Thank you, everyone, for you continued support. It really does mean the world to me.

-SUPERNATURAL -

Chapter 7

Love.

Overwhelming love.

His eyes widen in shock as the realization came to him. Of course this is love. It all seems so obvious now. Why hadn't he seen it before? What happens now? Should he pray to Cas? Tell him? No, not like that. Never like that. Face to face. It had to be done with them in the same room at least. But should he tell him at all? He'd hurt the angel so much since he found out about Cas. He couldn't risk it again. But what's worse? Him never saying it and Cas thinking he doesn't return his feelings? Or saying it, allowing Cas to get in too deep before he finally really does irreversible damage to him? Shit.

He wipes the tears from his face and pulls himself off the floor. He sweeps the room with his eyes. Completely trashed. He couldn't bring himself to care, not really. He needed a beer… or something stronger. His mind is still swirling with thoughts about his feelings and what he should do with them as he walks into the main room and grabs his whisky. He can feel Sam's eyes watching him, probably worried, but he couldn't care less. He needs a drink, he can judge all he wants. He pours himself a generous amount of whisky, keeping his back to his brother. He knows his eyes are all red and puffy from where he'd been crying and he knows Sam will jump all over that band-wagon the moment he turns. He takes a sip of the liquid, feeling it burn as it makes its way down, finally coming to a stop in his stomach, warming it. He let's out a pleasurable sigh at the feeling.

"Hello, Dean."

His blood freezes in his veins, his whole body tenses, his heart hammers against his rib cage and his eyes bulge wide. He's here. But he didn't come to him, he went to Sam. Hurt fills him, making him stumble and the need to grab the desk pushes him forward. He drops his glass and he hears it smashing into a million pieces in the distance. His breaths are coming short and fast now. He looks at his death grip on the wood, his knuckles are white. He should let go, regain his composure, but he can't. His mind is churning with a thousand questions. Why is here? Why go to Sam and not him? Why did he ignore him for so long? Is he okay? Is he still hurting?

It could have been hours, could have been minutes, he finally allows his grip to loosen and he turns slowly, afraid he imagined it. But he hadn't. Cas is stood next to Sam on the other side of the room, looking just like Cas. Trench coat, head tilt, confusion, the works. He almost jumped for joy. Almost. The anger was starting to invade his body now. "Where the hell have you been?"

He watches Cas flinch slightly, but he doesn't answer. Dean is not going to have that. He needs answers. Needs to know why? Sam places a hand on Cas shoulder and jealousy surges through him. Not because he thinks anything is going on between them, it wouldn't be like that. But because his brother's bond with the angel is still in tact while Dean's is fucked. Yeah, he's fucked it all up.

Cas turns to look at Sam and nods. Sam nods back. A silent understanding. Then his brother leaves the room. Dean doesn't take his eyes off Cas, still waiting for an answer. He watches as Cas closes his eyes briefly, takes in a deep breath and when he opens them again, he narrows them slightly. "I've been dealing with the angel problem. I have found out who their leader is."

The anger is burning through him now like a hot poker. He doesn't care about that. Not at the moment. He needs this to get personal. Slowly he starts to move towards the angel, but stops immediately when Cas takes a step back. The realization hits him full force, the anger dimming a little bit, but still prominent. Cas doesn't want to be near him. "I called for you."

Cas dips his head and mutters an 'I know.' at the floor. He knew. He heard him. Dean knew this. But hearing it made it real. Cas had been purposefully ignoring him. Should he tell him? Tell him how feels?

"Why?" His voice his full of venom. If he didn't keep this anger alive he knew he would collapse in a heap on the floor, dying inside. He would never let that happen.

Cas snaps his head back up. "You know why."

Dean takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Cas."

"I know. You've said that."

"Are you going to leave? Or do you want to stay?" He feels like he's begging. Begging for him not to leave him again. He can't lose him, not now, not ever. He wants to be selfish just this once.

"It would be best if I leave." He can see the anguish in his blue eyes at that small sentence, and Dean wants to take it all away, relieve him of it all.

"Why?" It's barely a whisper.

"You know why," he whispers back.

Yes. He truly does know why. He looks Cas up and down for a moment. Making a decision. If he lets Cas leave, that will be it. Their friendship would be over and he would never see him again. Could he allow that? Maybe for Cas. But he needs him and he can't let go.

Determination is now filling him. He can't let him leave. He can't allow it. He walks fast, kicking furniture out of the way in his haste. Cas watches him, carefully, concerned, shocked, unsure of what's going on. Dean doesn't stop, doesn't want to. He pushes Cas hard against the wall. There is a small thump. His fists are bunched into the trench coat. Cas lets out a small gasp. Before Dean can even comprehend what he's doing, his mouth his sealed with the other man's. Cas doesn't move at first, shocked. After a moment Cas opens his mouth and starts moving it against Dean's their tongues swirling together, saliva mixing. Dean's mouth is sore from slamming it against Cas's but he doesn't care. The taste of him is intoxicating and amazing and he never wants it to end.

A gust of wind rushes past him as he is flung through the air. He's too shocked at what's happening. He crashes against the same desk he had a death grip on moments ago. He moans through the pain of it. When he looks up, he sees Cas, still standing against the wall, his chest heaving and his eyes angry, burning through him.

Dean opens his mouth to say something, anything. But he's pinned to the spot by those blue eyes and he gulps past the lump in his throat. Cas is really angry.

Cas finally moves from the wall and for a moment Dean thought he would come over there and start beating the shit into him. He cowers back slightly, afraid of what Cas was doing.

"Never do that again, Dean." Then he's gone.

What the fuck? He thought Cas wanted this. Thought he wanted him. Shit. Now he'd really fucked up. He thought back through all there conversations. Not once had he said he wanted this. Not once had he said he wanted Dean. Yes he loved him, but that doesn't mean he wanted this. Now he felt like a fool. A fool for believing he could actually be happy, even if it was for a second.

The tears finally came.

- SUPERNATURAL -

Guilt? Anger? Love?

What should he be feeling? He watched as children played on the park, the sunshine glowing down upon their smiling faces. Dean had kissed him. Why would he do that? He's already made it so clear in so little words that he doesn't feel that way. So why? He loved the feeling of Dean pressed against him, loved the feeling of the those lips against his. After the initial shock, he finally melted into it. Groaning. But his thoughts finally caught up. Anger surged through him. Dean shouldn't be kissing him, leading him on like that. It wasn't fair, not to him or Dean.

He sighed. He shouldn't have left, not like that. He should have talked to Dean, found out why and even if Dean wasn't willing to talk they still needed to talk about the leader of the angels. He should go back.

That's exactly what he did before he could talk himself out of it. He landed in the same room Dean had kissed him, his eyes instantly fixated on the wall where he'd been pinned against. The room was eerily quiet and it sent a shiver down his spine. He gazed around the room with his blue eyes and they caught sight of Dean. Still on the floor where he'd been thrown to moments ago. Breathing hard. Tears rolling past his closed lids and down his flushed cheeks.

The sight of him, so vulnerable, made Castiel stumble back. He was hurting. He was in pain. Should he say something? Go to him? Comfort him? He couldn't though, frozen to the spot at the sight of the crumpled man before him. Footsteps could be heard from down the corridor, then Sam was stood in the entry way. Castiel didn't take his eyes off Dean, expecting him to open his own eyes at the sound, but he didn't. Castiel frowned in confusion.

He glanced at the younger Winchester, who's eyes were darting from one man to the next, confusion in his own eyes. Castiel looked back at Dean. His heart hurt for him, hurt for what they had become. He rubbed absent-mindedly at his chest, trying to ease the pain that had accumulated there.

"Cas?" Dean's eyes opened at the sound of his name, instantly locking with his blue ones. For a moment no one breathed, no one moved and Cas didn't know if he should be the first one to say something. He watched as Dean took in a deep breath. Castiel needed to say something, anything, that would comfort the man. How could he though? Sam was stood right there and he knew Dean would not appreciate it. "Cas?"

He looked at Sam then, still confused. "I… I… Uh… I know who the leader is." He looked back at Dean. He was now pulling himself up off the floor, his gaze darting about the room as if he was indecisive to where he should place them. "Turns out we were right not to trust Naomi."

"Shit," Sam blew out through his teeth. Everyone knew what that meant. Castiel kept his eyes on Dean. Dean hadn't even reacted to the news. Instead he swiped the palm of his hand down his face, clearing the tears away. Grabbing the bottle of whiskey, he slowly moved towards the entry way, shoulders sagging as though all the fight had completely left him. He was a defeated man now. Broken. The pain in his chest intensified as he watched Dean shove past Sam and head down the corridor. He needed answers. Why was he so hurt? Why had he kissed him? Sam had watched where Dean had left, and Castiel heard the soft click of the door. There was no anger. Nothing. This didn't sit well with Castiel. Something was seriously wrong. Surely he hadn't hurt Dean that much by pushing him away. Dean didn't want this, not really. He could be attracted to Castiel, sure, but he wasn't in love. And Castiel couldn't do this if it wasn't what they both wanted. He needed to explain this to him, needed him to see that it was for the better.

Sam faced Castiel again with wide eyes. "What the hell is wrong with him?" Castiel ignored him as he took long strides across the room, feeling the pull of Dean. He would never be able to get away from it. He will never be able to be rid of this feeling, no matter what happens now, this will never disappear. He shoved past Sam and made his way towards Dean's room.

For once they were going to have a serious conversation. No avoiding it. This needed to be done.

- SUPERNATURAL -

The whisky burned and he revelled in it as he sat on the edge of his bed, shoulders slumped. This pain is new. He'd never felt anything quite like this before. Is this what Cas felt when he'd rejected him? The tears streamed down his cheeks. He couldn't stop them and to be honest he didn't want to. This pain was worse than anything. All the times he'd died, all the times he'd been tortured in and out of hell, all the rejection from women, was nothing compared to what he was feeling now.

Never do that again, Dean.

Shit. He'd really fucked up. But then what's new. He was a complete fuck up. A complete disgrace. He wasn't worthy of Cas, never had been, never will be. But… But he wanted to be deserving of him. Wanted to feel him. Wanted to feel those lips on his. Wanted to see that smile and happiness back on his face as he realized what Dean kissing him had meant.

Life isn't a movie though. Things don't happen like that. But, God, he wanted to be selfish, just once he wanted to think of himself and have the one person he'd fallen in love with. He drank from the bottle again. The tears still coming. The pain still there. Yeah, he was a fuck up. No two ways about it.

The door swung open.

Cas was stood there. Chest heaving. Tears in his own eyes. Head tilted as he searched Dean.

Dean took in a deep breath at the sight of him. His heart constricted painfully in his chest. The angel closed the door behind him. His back now turned. His forehead resting against the wood. Dean waited, not wanting to break his train of thought. Why was he here? He didn't want Dean. He might love him, he might find him attractive but he knew that they could never be together. Could never have this. Whether it be because of the danger they were always in, or because he was an angel, or because he knew Dean would fuck it up eventually, they could never have this.

"Why?" It was a whisper and Dean had do a double take. Had he heard right?

"What?" His voice was thick and croaky from the tears that still wouldn't stop.

Cas turned then, his own tears now flowing freely down his face. He shuddered in a breath, fists clenched at his side. "I need to… I need to know why you kissed me."

Dean's mouth swung open. Cas didn't know. This wasn't a rejection. This was him simply not wanting to get his hopes up. This was him protecting himself. Had he really hurt the angel that badly? Shit. He placed his bottle down on the night stand and stood, wiping the tears from face. He didn't take a step closer. Not wanting to frighten him. He allowed a crooked grin to shine through. "I… I don't know what I was expecting, seeing you there, but… that's any easy one to start with. Because I wanted to."

He nodded as if expecting that answer. "But why did you want to, Dean?" Dean opened his mouth to say something, but clamped it shut when Cas held up his hand. "Don't be vague." Another deep breath from him. "What possessed you to do it. What pushed you to decide that it was a good idea."

Dean frowned then. There was only one possible answer to that and he wasn't sure if it was the right thing to say. But he had to, didn't he? It was the right thing to do. He had to do this for Cas. Cas needed to hear it.

"Because..." He took in a deep breath and stared Cas right in the eye. He could do it. He could do it. He could do it. "Because I love you."

He watched as Cas sucked in a deep breath. It was out there now. Nothing he could to stop the outcome of this. He watched him closely. Trying to gauge what he was thinking. "You mean… In love?" Dean nodded. "But… You rejected me. You..." He licked his lips. "How long?"

"I haven't known for long. But it's always been there. In every memory of you, of us. It's there. Faint. But..." He shrugged, unsure as to how he should end that sentence. He was nervous now. Cas still didn't want this, did he? Course he wouldn't. Him loving him wouldn't change anything.

"What do you want, Dean?" Dean frowned in confusion. "What do you want with me?"

He widened his eyes in surprise. Reality came crashing around him. What the hell did he want? Could they really do this? Could they really be happy? Could he really be that selfish and bring Cas into his fucked up life?

He didn't think he could.

- SUPERNATURAL -

I know! I'm evil. But it felt right to leave it there. Again, so sorry for all the angst. I don't think it's going to be that easy to be together. Something always stands in the way, whether it be the dangers of the job or themselves.

Anyway, I will try update the next chapter in the next couple of days. It's already written. I just need to edit.

Please review! I look forward to hearing of you lovely people.