Chapter 8
Dean turned his back to Cas, unable to stare into those blue eyes that were begging him, pleading with him to accept this. He shouldn't need him so much, he shouldn't put Cas through any more pain. But it all came back to which scenario was worse. He couldn't decide. Couldn't decide if he should say 'to hell with this.' He couldn't decide if he should just walk away and pretend that he hadn't just told Cas the one thing that would break him.
He felt Cas move from the door, footsteps behind him. Sucking in a breath he turned to face the angel. His blue eyes were still pleading with him to answer the question. What did he want? He wanted him, of course, but he could he do this. Cas was only inches away from him now and Dean couldn't think clearly, couldn't kick start his brain back into gear. He needed out of here, just for a few moments. Just to think. He moved around Cas, and towards the door, muttering an I'm sorry on the way past. When he reached the door he placed his hand on the handle and paused. He took a glance back at the man he was so desperately in love with. Cas had his head dipped, his shoulders were sagged and he just simply looked defeated as though he couldn't take much more of this emotional roller coaster they were both aboard. Dean glanced away and placed his forehead on the door, just like his angel had done before and he sighed. His mind pulled up memories of everything they'd both been through of the years. Losing each other time and time again. They both deserved this. They both deserved to be happy, even if it was for a small amount of time. They deserved to feel wanted and needed. They both needed this.
He needed to take this leap of faith. They both needed him to take it. "You," A whisper.
A sharp intake of breath from behind. Dean turned slowly. Cas's eyes were wide with shock, burning right through him. Dean pressed himself back into his bedroom door. "What?" Cas asked, barely daring to hope. Not wanting himself to put himself out there not like he has before.
"I want you, Cas. I shouldn't. We shouldn't. We will only get hurt. But… I can't help but be selfish. I want you, all of you."
Dean was taken aback by the hand that now pushed against his chest. He hadn't seen Cas move, hadn't heard and Dean gasped in shock at the sudden contact, the heat burning through his t-shirt and igniting a sudden arousal that pooled in his stomach. Cas's eyes were once again pleading, begging. "Say it again," he whispered, pushing his face towards Dean so that they were only inches apart. Dean gulped past the lump in his throat, feeling the stickiness of it from where it had completely dried up. "I… I want you."
Cas shook his head, eyes closing. Dean watched in awe as the angel opened them with frustration. "Not that, the other thing."
Realization came to him then. A small crooked smile curved his lips. "I love you."
Dean gasped as Cas's lips finally closed the remaining distance. This kiss wasn't like the one in the main room. This one wasn't Dean's desperation's, Dean's hunger, this was all Cas's. The need pouring of him as he poured all of his passion into, his tongue swirling with Dean's. Cas pushed his body completely against Dean's and Dean could feel the erection poking against his own through their pants and Dean groaned, the vibration of it on their lips only fuelled the hunger. Dean couldn't hold back any more. He grasped the sides of Cas's face, feeling the stubble scratch against his palms, he pushed his lower half against Cas's which ignited a small moan from the angel. Cas's free hand grazed against Dean's hip, pushing his t-shirt up so that they were skin to skin and the heat of it had Dean moaning again. The kiss was still bruising, still passionate, still everything and it wasn't enough. Dean needed more. More contact. More of Cas.
As if sensing this, Cas broke the kiss, leaving Dean to whimper quietly at the loss of those perfect pink lips, pulling his t-shirt up and over his head. Before Dean could even register what had happened, those lips were on his again, still hungry, still needy. He could feel both of Cas's smooth, warm hands running across his hard abs. The touch wasn't gentle, it was hard and desperate and it sent shock waves of heat through his body. He jerked his hips again with a moan. His own hands pushing that beige trench coat off of his shoulders and down his arms, allowing it to fall on a heap behind them. He needed to feel Cas, all of him. He tugged on the tie as the taste of the angel became intoxicating. His head swam with lust and he felt dizzy.
This should feel wrong. This should feel sinful. This shouldn't be so good. But it was. It was so, so good. And it didn't feel wrong, just the opposite. It felt right, like this is what they'd been leading to all these years. This moment. Here and now.
The tie came lose and Dean threw it to the side not caring where it landed. Cas broke the kiss again and Dean's eyes dropped to the angel's red, swollen lips. God, he looked so sexy like that. Hair, ruffled, lips parted slightly, lust in his eyes. Cas bent his head to the crook of Dean's neck and started sucking and biting. It was hard and it hurt slightly. But Dean didn't care. The act sent goosebumps travelling across his body, sending shivers up and down his spine. He groaned again, pleasure filling his voice. He fumbled with the buttons of Cas's white shirt, the desperate need still coursing through him. He could feel his heart speed up as Cas moved down over his collar bone.
After what felt like an eternity, he finally undid the last button, he couldn't wait any more. He needed the touch. He ran his hands up Cas's own rock hard abs, causing the angel to moan against him, sending vibrations across his heated skin, making him moan right along with him. Cas pulled back, crushing their lips together again. And Dean gasped into it, not expecting it so soon. Their chests were flush against each other now, their erections pressed together and Dean rolled his hips.
Without warning, Cas turned Dean around, pushing his chest up against the door. Dean gave a startled gasp that turned into a moan when Cas pushed his front against Dean. He could feel Cas's erection rubbing against his ass and he couldn't help but moan at the pleasure of it. Cas was kissing and biting his neck again and Dean threw his head back to land on the angels shoulder. This was so exhilarating and Dean's head spun.
"Dean-" Cas's lust voice filled the room, breaking the spell Dean had been under. Panic surged its way through him and he suddenly tried to move away. But Cas held him firm. "Don't." He didn't stop. Couldn't. He'd never done this before. Not with a man. Never been the submissive one like that. "Don't run. I won't do anything you don't want to. Just don't run from me again." Cas spun Dean back around and he froze at the pleading look in Cas's eyes.
His breathing came fast and shallow and all he could do was nod. He understood Cas wasn't going to pressure him, he understood that Cas needed to know he wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't going to run this time. But he didn't know if he was ready for this yet. He didn't know if he'd ever be ready.
Cas's pleading eyes turned to pure love and it made Dean's knees weak, made him swallow back a moan of pure panic at the sight. "I can't do this."
The hurt pushed its way to Cas's face. Dean frowned then his eyes blew wide open in understanding. He brought his hand up and brushed his thumb over Cas's swollen lips. The angel closed his eyes at the touch. "Look at me, Cas." It took a moment and when he opened his eyes Dean saw the pain there. They were begging him not to end this. "I didn't mean us. I meant this right here. I'm not ready." Relief filled those blue eyes and he hated what he was about to say next, but he needed Cas to understand what was at stake here, he needed to understand where Dean stood. "I don't know if I'll ever be ready."
Dean dropped his hand as Cas cupped his face in his hands. "As long as I still get to kiss you, that doesn't bother me. All I want is whatever you want."
The love that was pouring of the angel became overwhelming and suddenly Dean felt exhausted, mentally. He pushed forward and placed a small, gentle kiss to Cas's lips. He pushed his tongue into the depths of the other mouth, his tongue gently caressing Cas's and he moaned into. Cas pulled away, all too soon for Dean's liking.
"You should sleep," Cas whispered. And he was right. Dean nodded and padded over to his bed. He could feel those blue eyes watching his every move and a small bubble of happiness pushed at his heart. It made him smile to himself as he pushed back the blanket and slipped underneath. Cas turned to leave.
"Stay." He watched as Cas smiled gently down at him, the love and happiness of it hitting Dean in the chest, causing him to feel all warm and content. Cas laid next to him, facing the ceiling. Dean didn't want to cuddle, didn't want to feel that needy, so instead he rolled onto his side and gripped Cas's hand into his own, linking their fingers. Cas turned to look at him, shocked for a moment before he turned back to stare at the ceiling.
Dean fell asleep within minuets. Feeling safe and content and happy and loved.
- SUPERNATURAL -
Happiness swelled inside him as he slowly opened his eyes. He hadn't slept like that in a long time. It felt nice, normal and different. But a good different. His happiness was short lived though as the realization came to him. Panic and fear started to bubble within him.
The spot next to him was empty.
He reached out a hand to the spot that Cas had been occupying when he'd fallen asleep. Cold. He'd been gone a while. Why would he leave? He thought they had been happy. He thought that they were good. Maybe Cas didn't feel that way. Maybe he'd completely misread the situation. He pulled himself up to a sitting position and glanced at the floor by the door. The trench coat and tie were gone.
His heart tugged painfully and he wondered if he should call the angel, just to confirm what he already knew. Deep down he knew. Cas was gone and he wasn't coming back. He should be angry with him, should want to punch the guy. Especially after he begged Dean not to run away from him last night. Against his better judgement he couldn't do it, couldn't find the strength.
Cas doesn't sleep. How long had he lain there, his mind playing with different thoughts? How long did it take him to make the decision to leave? How long did it take him to realize that he couldn't have a sexless relationship?
Dean slumped back onto the pillows, tears springing to his eyes. He refused to let them fall though. He couldn't be that mess again. Couldn't allow himself to become that needy, desperate hollow man again. He couldn't. He could get past this. Just push on. One task at a time, like last time. First he needed to shower. Wash away the sleep, wash away his thoughts.
Before he had a chance to move, a loud knock sounded on the door. "Dean?" Sam's voice. The hope that raised slightly at the knock instantly evaporated and he gulped past the lump in his throat. He wasn't going to get over this any time soon.
"Yeah?" His voice cracked and he rolled his eyes at himself. Could he be any more obvious.
"We found a lead on Naomi."
"What lead?" He wasn't interested. Didn't want to get back into that, not yet. Not while he held this emptiness in his heart.
"Come out and we'll discuss it." The sound of footsteps fading away.
Dean shook his head. Then frowned. He backtracked over what Sam had said. We. He sat bolt up right, his heart going a million miles an hour. No. It couldn't be. He'd left. Dean had set himself up for that after feeling the empty space next to him. He had just been preparing himself to go the rest of his miserable life living with this numb feeling in his chest.
He jumped out of bed. Not daring to hope. Not yet. He pulled on his clothes from yesterday and rushed out of the room and down the corridor, the whole time the hope growing within him. He tried to desperately push it down, shove it somewhere even he couldn't reach. But he couldn't stop it from bubbling up.
He came to a stop in the entryway of the main room. Sam was sat at his laptop and he glanced up at the sight of Dean, a frown of concern upon his face. Dean's eyes darted from his brother to the man standing next to him, hunched over the table. He stood straight, blue eyes boring into his, also concerned. Dean's green eyes took in the sight of Cas, his trench coat, his tie, his black hair. The thoughts of last night pushed its way forward and Dean had to part his lips to accommodate the heavy breaths of arousal. The relief was only brief until he saw Cas's eyes crinkle with a small smile. He understood. He understood where Dean's thoughts had just gone. This angel was going to be the death of him with all these tumbling emotions.
He should have cared that his brother was sat right there. But the happiness of knowing Cas hadn't left him, became overwhelming. He was no longer in control of his movements as he moved towards the angel. Determination set in now. Cas's eyes grew wide and took a step back, but Dean was faster. He pushed him up against the bookcase. Cas gave a startled gasp just as Dean pressed his lips to his. He pushed his tongue in, tasting him. The need and hunger clouded his judgement. He'd forgotten about his brother, forgotten about the lead they were suppose to be discussing. He groaned and so did Cas. He clung to him, desperate.
The need for air became to strong and he had to pull away reluctantly. They were both breathing heavy, the only sound in the room. Cas was the first to speak. "Sam's watching."
Dean froze. Had he really just done that in front of his brother? Shit. He hadn't been thinking. Shit. Slowly he turned his head to look over his shoulder, still not letting go of the angel. His brother's eyes were wide and his mouth hung open. He turned back round to Cas and closed his eyes. "Fuck."
When he opened them again, Cas was focusing his blue eyes on him. Concern pouring out of him. Slowly Dean removed himself from the angel and took a step back. He couldn't look Cas in the eye as the embarrassment filled him. "I'm going for a shower," he muttered and started walking away. He heard Cas calling him, but he ignored it, needing the space to gather his thoughts and trying get away from the humiliation he was feeling.
He was about to enter his room when he heard footsteps behind him."Dean?"
Stopping, he turned to face the angel. Cas was worried, fearful. He smiled at him. "Not running." That was all he needed to say to see the fear vanish from Cas's eyes before he pushed the door open and entered his room.
Yeah, he wasn't going to run. Not any more. So what if he made out with Cas in front of his brother. He was happy and if his brother couldn't get on board with it then he can go fuck himself. He was happy and he was planning to stay that way for a very long time.
- SUPERNATURAL -
Wow! That was amazing to write. I thought you all needed some free time from all that angst I've been pouring into this story. Tell me what you thought. Tell me what you think Sam's reaction will be?
Unfortunately there will be some angst to come yet. Dean needs to try and gets past the whole sex thing. Cas needs to be patient. And then there's Sam's reaction… Plus the whole Naomi thing. So yeah, plenty of angst to come. But hopefully the boys will keep their act together.
Let me know what you thought. I'm dying to know how I did. I wrote this chapter like three times because every time I tried to keep the angst out of it, it ended up in there any way. So, yeah. Please review! And thank you to everyone who has been supporting this story.
