A/N: I am so sorry for the long wait. I had it written when I posted the last chapter but when I read over it, it didn't sound like the way I wanted the story to go. So I deleted the whole thing. A couple of days later I had half the chapter written but when I turned my computer on I found out I had lost it. So I had to re-write it again. This chapter has turned out to be a pain in my ass lol.
Anyway enough rambling. Please review they make me so very happy. Oh and thank you to everyone who has shown their support.
Here's the next part of the story.
Chapter 9
The steam from the shower filled the bathroom, making it difficult to see anything. The hot water cascaded down upon his naked form, water rolling down his ribbed body. Dean had no idea how long he'd been in the shower for, but by the look of his wrinkled fingers, he could hazard a guess that it had been a while. The water was soothing and he tried his best to ignore the memory of what had just happened. The embarrassment and humiliation of it. His brother had been sat right there. What the hell had he been thinking? He hadn't, not really. His mind had been completely focused on Cas, focused on the panic that had been consuming him, focused on the fear of losing yet somebody else.
What's going to happen now, though? Will Sam be disgusted? Will he get angry? Dean knew that the moment he joined them back in the map room, Sam would fire a billion and one questions at him. He wasn't ready for that. Not yet. He'd only just figured out he was in the love with the angel, only just about managed to choke up the courage to tell the dude. Last night. It was only last night. It seemed a million years ago now. Now Sam knew. Maybe he didn't know the whole story, but he knew enough. What was he going to do? He didn't even know what he and Cas had yet.
Cas. He could picture the lust that had filled those blue eyes, could almost feel the erection Cas had, poking at his ass. He gulped past his arousal. He shouldn't be thinking about that. Not when he had a crisis going on. He needed to figure out what he was going to tell Sam. But he couldn't get rid of those thoughts. He wanted the angel so badly it hurt. Dean thought back to the panic that he'd felt. Why did he feel that? He loved the guy. Isn't that what people do when they're attracted to one another? Have sex? So why? A small voice at the back of his brain started to get louder and louder. At first he couldn't make out what it was saying. After a few moments of glaring at the tiles, he figured it out. It's because its not just a hook-up, its someone you're in love with.
Of course. He panicked because he didn't want to mess it up. Dean knew that it was partly because he'd never had sex with a man before. But he knew that wasn't what was holding him back, not really. He needed it to be… perfect? Special?
Cas was in love with him. He knew this. Has known this since their first run in with that angel weeks ago. Yet the surprise coursed through him. Why did this shock him? He thought back to last night. To every detail. His thoughts drifted from the taste, to the feel, to everything. Then it hit him. His eyes widened. It was the look. The look in Cas's eyes. They were filled with love, wonder and… worship. The guy freaking worshipped him. He had made him feel like he was the most important creature in existence and it freaked him out.
Dean frowned. That's why he panicked. The real reason anyway. He couldn't take the emotions that Cas was feeling because he shouldn't be feeling them. Not towards him. If there was one thing Dean was certain of, he wasn't worthy of the love Cas was giving him.
He needed to face the music. If he stayed in there much longer, he knew Cas and Sam would start to worry. He turned the water off and stepped out of the shower stall. The water dripped from his skin and his hair, leaving droplets on the tiled floor. He grabbed a white fluffy towel and started to dry himself. Again he found himself thinking about Sam's reaction, about what type of questions would be fired at him. His heart sank. He still hadn't figured out what he was going to say. As much as he loved Cas, as much as he enjoyed being with him, he just wasn't ready for the world to know. But Sam did know. Nothing could change that.
Wrapping the towel around his waist, he padded out of the bathroom, a cloud of steam followed in his wake. His eyes caught Sam's and he froze. Sam was leaning against the wall opposite, his arms crossed and a frown upon his features. Once again panic was starting to bubble inside of him. Sam looked angry. He cursed himself for not thinking of anything to explain away his actions. He wasn't ready to tell his brother that he was in love with a guy, in love with an angel, in love with Cas.
Sam pushed away from the wall and allowed his arms to swing by his sides. Dean couldn't move, couldn't think. "What the hell was that, Dean?"
Dean kept his mouth firmly shut. What the hell was he supposed to say? He darted his eyes in the general direction of the map room, hoping beyond hope that Cas would come around the corner and rescue him. But of course Dean wasn't that lucky. He was going to have to deal with this without him. He was going to have do this on his own. He swung his eyes back to his brother.
He opened his mouth, not sure what he was going to say. His brother beat him to it. "Cas is your best friend. He's family. And you just kissed his face off. What the hell, man? I don't know what's going through your head, but you can't do that. Not with him. Not ever."
Anger surged forwards and Dean narrowed his eyes at his little brother. What gave him the right to tell him what he can and can't do? Nothing. This had nothing to do with Sam. With the panic pushed aside, he allowed the anger to talk for him. "And why not? So what if I kissed the guy? What's the big problem?"
Sam's anger intensified. Dean almost took a step back from it, but somehow he managed to keep his feet firmly planted to the spot. "Cas is not one of your little play things, Dean. He's our family. When this goes south, and it will go south, he will be left heartbroken and I can't have you do that to him."
"Nothing's happened, Sam." The anger was making its way out of his system. Now he just felt tired. So very tired. Sam was only repeating what he himself has thought too many times. He shouldn't be angry at his brother for that.
"You just kissed him, Dean," Sam spat, taking a step towards him.
"Yeah and that's all that's happened. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to get dressed." Dean started walking away, his heart beating erratically. That did not go down well. This whole thing was one big fucking mess. He paused at the turn in the corridor and looked over his shoulder at his brother, who was watching him closely, suspicion evident in his eyes. Then Dean caught onto what Sam had said. "Just for the record, Sam, Cas is not just a play thing." Dean turned and started walking again, satisfaction blooming within his gut as he caught sight of Sam's eyes widening. Good. Serves him fucking right.
- SUPERNATURAL -
Castiel waited patiently for the brothers to return. His eyes scanned the laptop that Sam had been researching with, his mind not really taking in any of the information. He couldn't help the worry from springing up, couldn't help his thoughts from wondering to Dean. He hoped he was okay, hoped he wasn't freaking out. Sam had gone to find him. Dean had been in the shower for forty-five minutes and Sam was starting to worry.
It wasn't too long before his mind wondered to the kiss that he'd experienced only moments before. It had felt amazing to have Dean pressed up against him, feeling his desperation and his hunger. It was just as good as last nights one. He shifted in his seat as the arousal tangled in his gut. The urge to go to Dean was strong, and somehow he held back, knowing that Dean needed space, for the moment at least.
Sam came shuffling into the room, looking quite lost. Castiel frowned in concern. What happened between them? He was about to open his mouth to ask when Dean came in behind him. Castiel watched Dean with concern, but relaxed a little when he spotted the small smirk playing at his lips. Castiel's confusion only swelled though when he caught sight of Sam watching his brother with narrowed eyes. Whatever had been said between them, Dean had come out on top and Sam was not happy.
"So, what's this lead then?" Dean asked, sitting next to Castiel. He leaned back in his chair and put his booted feet on the table. His posture screamed relaxed and content. But Castiel could see beyond it, he could see Dean was worrying himself sick. Over what, Castiel couldn't tell. Perhaps it was what his brother had said. Maybe it was something else entirely.
Sam spoke first coming to stand opposite Dean. "We think that she's in an abandoned warehouse, not too far from here."
Dean frowned. "Why would she be in a place like that?"
"We're not sure. We need to figure it out, somehow," Sam replied, crossing his arms. Castiel knew it was a defensive posture. He didn't like Dean questioning him.
"Fine. You being the nerd can figure it out." He stood and stretched his arms above his head. Castiel watched in awe as his t-shirt revealed the tiniest sliver of skin. He licked his lips as the arousal came forth again, going south this time. Dean looked down at him and he froze. Castiel allowed his eyes to catch Dean's. And for a moment nothing else mattered, nothing else existed. It was just the two of them. Castiel was about to stand, not sure whether he was going to kiss the guy or drag him to his room. Thankfully he didn't need to make the decision. Sam coughed awkwardly. Dean dropped his arms and flicked his eyes to his brothers. The spell was broken and Castiel was left panting. "I'm going to go out and get beer. We're out." Dean finished and moved past Castiel.
Dean had almost made it to the bottom of the steps that led out of the bunker when Sam called his name. Dean turned questioningly. "When you get back, you know what you need to do."
Castiel turned to Dean and watched as the pain flooded his eyes. His own eyes caught Dean's green ones and determination sprung in them. To say Castiel was confused was an understatement. He watched as Dean surged forwards, a deep purpose in every step. From somewhere in the distance Castiel could hear Sam calling his brother's name in horror, but Castiel didn't care. All he could focus on was the man coming towards him. With numb legs, he stood. Dean slammed into him, grabbing his face in both palms and pushing their lips together hard. Castiel parted his lips in a gasp, the shock coursing through his veins. Dean took that opportunity to push his tongue in. After a small heart beat, Castiel finally started kissing him back. He tasted so amazing, so wonderful. He never wanted it to end. But of course it did. Dean leaned his forehead upon his, eyes closed, a small smile of content upon his lips. Castiel never thought he could love him any more than he already did, he was wrong.
Dean finally pushed away, opening his eyes. The love he felt spilling from him was intoxicating and Cas sucked in a sharp breath. "Beer." Dean murmured, walking backwards. Castiel watched as his eyes darted to his brother and they narrowed slightly. "Don't make demands to me, Sammy." Then he was gone.
Castiel swung around to Sam, seeing his eyes angry and his mouth set in a firm line. His jaw jutted out at an odd angle. Confusion once again pushed forwards. "What did he mean, Sam? What demands?"
Sam's eyes set on him and they softened a little. "I told him that whatever was going on between you, it needed to end."
Castiel took a step back, the betrayal filling him to the brim. Why would Sam ask such a thing? This had nothing to do with him. "Why?"
Sam sighed, his shoulders slumping. "Because this is going to end badly, Cas. He can't use you like that."
"Use me? What's he suppose to be using me for?"
Another sigh from Sam. "Sex, Cas. He can't use you for sex."
"He's not using me for sex. We haven't done that. He doesn't want to."
Sam narrowed his eyes. "Why?"
"Because he's not ready. He doesn't know if he will ever be ready."
Sam let out a laugh at that and Castiel grew more confused. How was this funny? He waited patiently for Sam to calm down. "This is just perfect. So what's he going to do? He can't go celibacy. Its not in his nature. He can't go the rest of his life without sex. I'm sure it won't take him long to find some nice girl and take her to bed."
Castiel sucked in a sharp breath. His chest hurt again at Sam's words, his heart breaking. Is that what Dean was going to do? Keep them both sweet while he went off to get his fill from other women? Sam's eyes widened and Castiel knew he hadn't meant to say all of that, not to him anyway. "I need to leave." His voice was trembling and he hated himself for it. He couldn't hide his pain from Sam. If he couldn't do that he wasn't going to be able to hide it from Dean either.
He turned to leave. His body aching and tired. He walked towards the bunker's exit his mind playing over those hurtful words that Sam had just spouted. He faintly heard Sam calling his name, but he paid him no attention. He needed to leave. He needed to think.
He slammed the bunker's door behind him. The tears finally came, his heart crushing him. Dean needed sex. Needed it like he needed to breath. If he couldn't get past his fear of having sex with him, he would most definitely go and find it somewhere else.
"Cas?"
Castiel looked into Dean's concerned green eyes. His hand was on his shoulder and it burned. It burned so badly. Castiel shrugged it off and walked past him, wiping the hot tears from his flushed cheeks.
"He told you."
He swung around, the breaking of his heart setting fire to his insides, pushing him to grow in confidence. "Sam had a lot of interesting things to say," he spat through gritted teeth. "Like, how he told you to end things with me because you're using me. Or how about how Sam thinks that if you can never bring yourself to have sex with me, you'll go find it somewhere else."
Dean's eyes widened in surprise. "What? He said that?"
Castiel watched as the hurt played across the man's face and he instantly softened his voice. "We can't do this, can we? It's not fair."
"Cas-"
"No. We can't. If you can't get past whatever is holding you back, you will hate me for the lack of a sex life. You'll be miserable. I could say it doesn't matter, go and have sex with whoever you want, but I can't. I'm selfish, Dean. I want you all to myself and I can't watch you have your way with other women. I can't. So, it's better if we just forget this ever happened."
He turned to leave again, the pain in his chest expanding, when Dean's voice rang out. "Do you even know what's holding me back?"
Castiel frowned. "It doesn't matter now. This is over. You don't really want this, not deep down. Sam doesn't want this to happen either. Its better this way, for everyone."
"I thought it was because you were a guy and I'd never really done it with a man before. I thought that's why I panicked last night. It's not the reason. Yes, I was scared of it but not enough to full on panic." Castiel shook his head. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear what else he had to say. But he stayed silent anyway. "It was the look in your eyes."
This had Castiel reeling backwards in shock. He'd scared him. He was too forceful. This was just another reason this needed to end now, before they got in too deep. But Castiel knew that the both of them were in this way too deep already. "I didn't mean to scare you."
"No. You didn't do anything wrong. The look in your eyes, it was pure love and..." Dean shifted uncomfortably. "And I don't deserve it. I panicked because… I realised that if we were to do that, it needed to be… I don't know. I just know that this-" He gestured between them. "Is the most real thing I have ever felt and I really don't want to fuck it up. I want it to be right. I want… I want it be as real as your love for me. I don't want it to be out of need or hunger or desperation. I want it to be about love and only love. But the thing is, Cas… I don't think I'm worthy of the love your offering."
Dean fell silent and Castiel felt his heart start to knit together again. Dean really wanted this. Wanted him. "But what if you're never ready?"
Dean shrugged. "Then a lifetime of celibacy will have to do. I can't go back to my usual hook-ups, not after feeling what I did last night. Even if you walked away now, for good, I can't go back."
Castiel's head swam with emotions. This was the most Dean had ever revealed to anyone. And somehow he felt privileged to be a part of it. Without thinking about his actions. He surged forwards and kissed him hard. They broke away after only a few moments.
"I thought you went to get beer." Castiel whispered, leaning his forehead against Dean's.
Dean let out a chuckle. "I lied. We already had some. I just needed to get away from Sam and his judgement."
Castiel laughed and kissed him again. "You are worthy." Dean pulled back in shock. "You are so worthy, Dean. You need to know that. Don't ever push me away because you think otherwise.
Dean nodded. "Come on, let's go back inside. We still need to figure out what Naomi's doing."
Castiel nodded in agreement and Dean led them back inside the bunker, their hands intertwined. Castiel had never felt happiness quite like this. It was amazing. It was wonderful. It was everything.
-SUPERNATURAL-
Well there it is! Cas and Dean have finally got their act together… but unfortunately there is a long way to go and still a lot more angst. But hopefully their love is strong enough to defeat all. I know I wrote Sam as a bit of a dick but he is a little. I think he judges Dean way too much. But hopefully he will come around and realise that Dean isn't just messing around.
So tell me what you think will happen next. I'm dying to hear what your thoughts are.
Hopefully the next chapter won't be such a long wait. But no promises. I'm very busy with work at the moment. But I will try and write as often as I can.
Please review. They mean the world to me. I love hearing your wonderful words, or not so wonderful ones, it really doesn't matter to me. Thank you again.
