Chapter 11
The scream tore up from the darkest depths of his stomach, up through his chest, past his frantically beating heart, up through his throat and out his mouth, into the warehouse as the angel blade came down in a swiping motion.
Panic tore away at his insides. This was it. He was going to lose him. After everything they'd been through, physically and emotionally, this was the end. The end of everything. The end of hope and love. The end of Dean Winchester as everyone knew him. He would not come back from this. He would never be who he was before.
The deep throated scream startled Naomi. She hesitated, tearing her eyes away from Cas, darting them towards him, her eyes glinting mischievously. His feet were glued to the concrete floor. He knew he should move, to try and stop her. But he couldn't. Frozen in fear. This is what this feeling was. Fear. He'd felt fear before, of course he has. The many times he'd lost Sam, or about to lose him. The many times he'd almost died himself. The many times he'd witnessed his nightmares. The many times he'd lost Cas, or almost lost him. But this time was different. He was in love with him. If he lost Cas now, he would lose himself too.
He tried to get his feet to move, tried to save the man he loved. Thoughts of regret swirled through his mind. He should have told him sooner. He shouldn't have tried to fight this feeling of pure love so much. He shouldn't have hurt him. Shouldn't have caused him pain. He should have shown him just how much he really and truly loved him. Is Cas about to die without truly believing it? No, he can't. He can't die thinking that.
A movement in the corner of his eye. But he couldn't bring himself to look away from those evil eyes of Naomi. He wanted to plead with her. Wanted to beg her not to do this to them. They didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve this.
"I came to realise, Dean, that if I killed you, right here, right now, Castiel would be lost to us. Its better this way. Its better to everyone, humans and angels alike, if you all die."
He opened his mouth, to argue. But nothing would come out. The fear still drowning him. Movement again. He couldn't bear to look. He tore his eyes away from hers, and into Cas's. They were of understanding and love. It made Dean ache inside. He wanted to reach out, comfort him, tell him not to accept this fate. But of course, Cas had. He had accepted that this must happen. If it were to save Dean, he would happily die. He wanted to shout, yell at the top of his lungs at how wrong that is. He doesn't deserve that type of devotion, not after everything that he'd put the angel through.
He'd forgotten about the angel coming towards him. So when he was thrown into the corridor behind him, he let out a yelp of surprise. He skidded to a stop, his breathing ragged and his body screaming in protest as he tried to move. Tried to find Cas with his gaze. He couldn't see him. Couldn't see if she'd made that final blow. No, all he could see was that angel coming towards him again.
He tried to get to his feet, quickly, his fighting instinct kicking in. A blinding white light filled the room behind the dick angel, making Dean freeze, his blood running cold, his heart stopping. Cas!
No, he couldn't be dead. Not yet. There was so much for them to do together. So much more they could be. Pure anger ignited in his veins. He wasn't dead yet. He couldn't be. He needed to see for himself. Needed to see his dead body. But that fucking angel was in the way. Quick as lightening, he grabbed the angel blade from beneath his body, faking a groan as the angel made a grab for him, then in one quick motion, he pushed the blade up and into the ribs. He felt it sink deliciously into the depth of his chest. A blinding white light. Dean couldn't look away, not this time. He was pushing on adrenaline alone now. The angel dropped to the floor, and for a moment Dean allowed the satisfaction of the kill fill his body. Then he remembered. Cas!
He jumped up, ignoring how much his body hurt. He made a beeline for the large room and came to a halt at the sight before him. Sam was breathing heavily, hatred curling and twisting around him as he stared at… Naomi's body. Not Cas. It hadn't been Cas. His eyes caught sight of Cas's surprised eyes. He was alive. Relief and happiness filled him to the brim, pushing all thoughts and doubts and fears far from his mind.
Rushing forward, he noticed how much his heart was beating, how much he longed to be near him, to hold him, to feel that he was truly still here. He stopped just short of him, his breathing came hard and fast and he looked at the beaten up man before him. Cautiously, he reached out a finger. Just a touch. That's all he needed. One touch. Cas was gazing at him with concern, but Dean pushed all of that aside. Just one touch, that's all. He would forever be happy, never needing anything else.
His finger grazed down Cas's stubble, his touch feather light. They came to a stop at the bottom of his jaw. Now he could be happy. This was Cas. He was alive. He was still here. He hadn't left him all alone. He shuddered at that thought, shuddered at what could have been.
"Dean?" His gruff voice, was croaky but gentle, cautious.
Dean shook himself back to the reality. Now was not the time to dwell on this. Cas needed him, needed his help. He shook his head and with both hands he unshackled Cas's wrists with the key Sam had thrown his way. Cas instantly dropped and Dean caught him, both of them falling to the floor. He heard Cas groan in pain, but Dean held him tighter. It was all going to be okay. Cas was alive, that's all that mattered. He was alive. He was here.
He felt Cas shiver and Dean frowned. Was he cold? He shouldn't be cold. Angels don't get cold. Fear started to fill him again. Cas wasn't okay. He was dying. He was going to leave him. "Cas..." He didn't know what to say. Didn't know how to help. The feeling of being useless started worm its way into his brain.
"I'm.. fine," Cas's gravelly voice vibrated against Dean's chest. "I just need… rest."
Dean nodded, not quite believing it. Not giving himself that kind of hope just yet.
A hand on his should. He looked up into his brothers soft eyes. He was worried too. Dean didn't know if he was worried about him or Cas. "Come on, Dean, let's get back to the bunker."
Dean nodded again. He didn't want to let Cas go. Couldn't let him go. He was his life line, his everything. He needed him. Needed him to anchor him, to keep him sane. If he let him go, he feared what these feelings would stir up. He felt Cas start to pull away and panic surged forwards, his grip tightening. No, he can't leave. Not yet. Just a little bit longer, that's all. He needed this reassurance, this feeling of his solid body against his own.
"Dean, it's okay." No its not. Its not okay, because he'd almost lost him. This was why he didn't let himself love. This is why he didn't let himself have what he wanted. They always end up dead. Every single time. Leaving him alone, to nurse the hole they would always leave behind, the hole that was punched straight through his chest. Abruptly, he pulled away, dropping Cas. He crawled backwards, his eyes wide and fearful. Cas looked at him, his own eyes wide and shocked at the sudden change. Then his eyes narrowed. Dean just shook his head. No, he couldn't do this. He couldn't have this. He will die. He will die and it will be all his fault. He needed to protect him. Protect him form the dangers that followed Dean around like the plague.
He stopped crawling, glancing from his brother to the angel. Then his eyes caught sight of Naomi, dead on the ground, her words echoed through his mind. Words of how Dean had to die so that Cas could be with them again, could be an angel again. This was all his fault. He'd made Cas rebel, set him on the course to where they are now. Every mistake Cas has made, it was all his fault. Every time he'd died, all his fault. Everything his fault.
He caught sight of movement and he snapped his eyes to those amazingly bright blue eyes. Cas was terrified. He was slowly moving towards him on his hands and knees, his arm stretched out. "Dean?"
No, he couldn't touch him. If he touched him he would be lost. Dean would lose himself in the other man and he couldn't do that. He couldn't allow himself that. He needed to protect Cas. Needed to make sure he was safe. For Cas, the safest place for him was as far away as he could get from him. Dean jumped to his feet, shaking his head violently. The tears came fast, burning his cheeks. A sob threatened to escape. It was clawing at his inside, begging to be let free.
"Dean?" His voice again. Scared. No, he didn't want to hurt him. Didn't want to cause him any more pain. He should go to him, comfort him. He itched for it. But he couldn't. Which was the worse case? He needed to protect his life not his feelings.
Looking down at the man he so deeply loved, he softened his eyes, pouring all the sadness and grief he was feeling into them. He heard Cas gasp at the change. The angel stood on shaky legs. Sam reached out and grabbed him, steadying him. A spike of jealousy shot through him. It should be him helping Cas, not his brother. But he tramped it down. He needed to remember, to keep in mind why he was keeping his distance.
"Don't run. Please, Dean. Don't run."
Those simple words cut so deep, reminding him of a time when he did run. Of a time when he promised Cas that he would never run, never again. But he had to. This time he had to break his silent promise.
"I… I'm… I'm sorry."
Them he turned and fled, his feet pounding on the concrete, his heart breaking in his chest. He could hear Cas calling to him. Dean was grateful that he couldn't go after him, that his wounds slowed him down. He needed out of here. As he pushed his way through the doors and into the night, there was only one thought echoing in his mind.
Save Cas!
- SUPERNATURAL -
He didn't know where his feet were taking him, all he knew was he had to get away. The need to escape was pulsing strong. He couldn't have these feelings. He couldn't let Cas get hurt. Anyone, everyone, but him. Never him.
He felt his cell vibrate in his jeans pocket. Ignoring it, he kept walking, fast, never slowing. His breathing was hard and panic swirled around inside his stomach, making him feel queasy. He had to go home at some point. Had to face the music. Had to have that dreaded conversation with Cas. It would break the angels heart, hell, it would break his heart. But it had to be done.
Glancing around, he frowned. Where the hell was he? He caught sight of a familiar sign post. He was only five minuets from the bunker. Even through his panic fuelled haze, he still felt the pull of Cas, still felt that longing. He groaned inwardly. He could never be with Cas. He could never allow himself that happiness.
He stopped outside the bunkers door, his heart heavy in his chest. It was better to get this over with. He opened the bunkers door, with a small creak and stepped inside. It was eerily quiet. Careful not to make a sound, he shut the door, his shoulder tensed when it was louder than he wanted it to be. He didn't want to alert Sam to his arrival. The need for Cas, the need to talk to him outweighed whatever his brother must thinking. He'll deal with him later. He descended the stairs, slowly and cautiously, his eyes sweeping the room beyond. Nobody. Were they out looking for him? He hoped not. This talk needed to happen, while Dean still had the courage to go through with it,
Briefly he thought about calling out for them, but decided against it. The thought of having a lecture from his brother made him shudder with shame. He could almost picture Sam's face, pinched in disgust, yelling at him. He couldn't deal with that, not now. He slowly made his way through the bunker. In the distance he could hear two voices. He made his way towards them.
As he reached the kitchen, the voices grew louder and he stopped just outside, staying outside as he listened. "How are you feeling, Cas?" his brother asked the angel. Dean's heart twisted painfully in his chest. While Dean was having his dramatic meltdown, he'd forgotten Cas was injured.
"I'm healing well, Sam. I'm almost back to full health."
"That's not what I meant."
"What did you mean?" He could almost see the angel tilt his head in that adorable way of his, confusion filling those perfect blue eyes.
Sam sighed. "I meant about Dean taking of like he did."
Dean waited for the answer. In his mind he could see Cas frowning, contemplating the question. "He… he promised he wouldn't run. So… it..."
"I get it, Cas. He'll come back."
"But in what state of mind? He ran. I think… I think Dean will keep running now. I think he won't stop. It's something… I will have to… live with."
Dean's heart broke at the sound of the unshed tears in his voice. The urge to go to him, to hold him, to comfort him was becoming strong. He fought with everything he had to keep his feet firmly planted on the ground. He needed to get through this. He needed to be strong for both their sakes. This was never going to work, whatever this is. It can't work.
"But you shouldn't have to."
Cas sighed. "I know. I don't want to. But it's not like I can force him into anything. If he truly believes he should run from everything he is feeling, then he will."
Sam's turn to sigh again. "I know, Cas. He can be really thick headed. He's my stupid, idiot brother and I love him, but God, I could punch him. He's causing all this pain, and for what? Because he can't face his feelings?"
Dean couldn't take it any more. Is that what they really thought? That he couldn't face them. Anger surged forwards and he stepped into the room, his fists clenched, and his heart beating erratically. He focused on his brother, not daring to look at Cas because he knew that as soon as he locked eyes with him, he was would crumble. He needed this anger. He needed to be able to get it all out.
Cas sucked in a sharp breath and his brother swivelled around, his eyes growing round at the sight of Dean. Dean just narrowed his eyes. "I did face them. All of them. And for a moment I was happy."
Sam stood. "Dean-"
"No! This has nothing to do with you. So why don't you keep you fucking nose out? You have no idea what I'm thinking or feeling. So quit it. I'm not the bad guy."
"What are you thinking?" Cas's gruff voice cut across Sam who was about to say something, an apology maybe.
Dean felt the urge to turn to him, but he couldn't, he couldn't look at him. Fear started to enter his body again, but he needed the anger, the burning hot anger. He couldn't let that go. He could do this. He could tell him the reason. He kept his gaze trained on his brother. "You'll die."
Dean shot his head to the sound of a gasp. Cas was now standing. He regretted looking at him. He felt the anger leave him, he felt the pain and the heartbreak and the fear come forwards. He softened his eyes. His brother faded in to the background. He could do this. He could explain his reasoning. He took a deep breath and continued. "I can't… I can't watch you die. The safest place for you is as far away from me as you can get."
Cas sidestepped the table and slowly started to move towards him. Dean instantly took a step back pleading with eyes. He couldn't have him come anywhere near him. Cas froze. "I can't do this," Dean continued, watching as Cas's heart broke, right in front of his eyes. "I can't, I'm sorry."
He turned to leave, then collided with a solid form. Cas was stood before him, his eyes full of pain and love and so much more. Dean swallowed past the lump in his throat. He can't cry, not now, not in front of his brother and Cas. "Why?"
He watched as a stray tear fell down Cas's cheek. Dean could see the struggle, could sense it, Cas was trying hard to hold back his own tears, but he was losing the battle. "Because I can't."
Cas got angry, and he got angry quickly. Dean flinched at the sudden change. "I'll tell you why, Dean. You can't do this because you don't believe you deserve this. You believe that everyone who has ever been hurt, or died, is entirely your fault. Well, guess what? It's not. None of it is your fault. You have sacrificed so much for the greater good. You deserve to be happy."
Dean couldn't hold back the tears from tumbling now. Cas was wrong. So very wrong, in so many ways. He didn't deserve any of that. "It's not about deserving. I'm trying to protect you. This is for the best. Every bad, evil thing we come across… they will use this against us. I'm not just trying to save your life. I'm not just doing it for you. I'm..." Did he dare say it? Yes, he needed to be honest, with himself as much as with Cas. "I'm doing this for me."
He watched as Cas took a step back, his mouth hanging open. Dean watched as Cas rubbed at his chest. His heart was falling apart, again, and Dean was witnessing it turn to ashes. Cas nodded once and walked out of the bunker. Dean didn't know what to do? Should he go after him? Try to make him understand? Or should he find some good whisky and just get pissed as fuck?
"Dean?"He turned to look at his brother. "You won't lose him like that. Not if I can help it. But if you don't go after him, you will lose him in a whole other way."
"What?" His voice croaked with the tears that were building up.
"When you come to realise what a mistake it was to let him go, it might be too late. He might not give you another chance. You've hurt him too many times already. There's only so much a person can take."
Dean knew he was right. Deep down he knew. But could he? Could he really be happy? Could he let himself do this? The fear was still there, still swimming around inside him. "But..."
"Dean!" His brother's voice was a warning. The look in his eyes said, 'stop sacrificing everything for everyone else'. Sam was right. He wasn't just sacrificing his own happiness, he was sacrificing Cas's. He couldn't do that.
He tore his way through the bunker, hoping he wasn't too late. The need to be close to Cas was strong. The need to hold him was stronger. His heart was beating erratically.
Please don't be too late. Please.
- SUPERNATURAL -
I know! I'm so evil! What do you think will happen? Do you think Dean can get over his fear? Do you think Cas will forgive Dean? Please let me know by leaving a review. Thank you.
