Chapter 12
He wasn't there.
He was too late.
His heart ripped through his chest, sending jolts of pain shooting throughout his body. Collapsing on the floor, he barely registered the pain in his knees as they hit the concrete. Tears fell, silent and commanding. He was too late. He'd missed him. He'd prayed and yelled for close to an hour, begging for him to come back, pleading with him to believe he was sorry. But the he didn't come. Silence rang through his ears, deafening him. Longing cascaded through him, longing to hear the flutter of his wings, to hear his gruff voice bellowing his name, longing to see his piercing blue eyes; even if they were going to hold contempt and hatred. Dean didn't care. He just wanted, needed him here.
This was always going to happen. Dean was always going to fuck up. This was what he had been trying to avoid. He heaved a sigh as the tears finally slowed. One last time, that's it, he told himself, one last time to get him to come back, if after that he still doesn't come, then he would have to face the obvious.
He sucked in a sharp breath, building the courage to say what needed to be said, what he was so very afraid of saying. But Cas needed to hear it, needed to know the truth. "Cas," his voice was barely a whisper and Dean hated how defeated he sounded. But it was the truth. He was defeated. He was so sick of fighting this, fighting what he so desperately wanted. He was sick of hurting Cas, so sick of hurting himself. He was just sick of it all. If this didn't work, if Cas didn't come then he didn't know if he'd ever get over it, didn't know if he'd be able to mend his broken heart and that thought terrified him.
"Cas?" he spoke a bit louder this time. "I know you can hear me. This is going to be the last time. No more begging, no more getting angry. If you don't come now, then… then I know… right? But.. you need the truth first… I'm scared, Cas. I'm scared of what this is between us. I'm scared that I'll someday lose you. I'm scared what that will do to me. But most of all… I'm scared… I'm scared… by how much I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, so much that I'm terrified by it. Please, Cas, just… you don't have to come back, just promise me that… you'll never forget that your loved, that I love you so much."
There it was. Out in the open. He'd never been so honest in all his life. He waited for a heart beat, his ears straining into the silence, listening for the familiar sound of wings. But nothing came. He shook his head as more tears started to fall, his heart now became too heavy in his chest. He slowly stood, his legs buckling underneath him. He had no idea how he managed to stay up right. He swayed slightly on the spot, the pain he was feeling was immense and he had no idea if he would survive this never ending cycle. He hadn't hoped for him to return, he hadn't allowed himself to, but the disappointment and the reality of it came crashing around him.
He turned on the spot and froze. His heart stopped beating, and his eyes grew wide. He was here. He had come. For a moment, he allowed the relief and happiness to swarm his brain, allowed it to completely take over. But when he looked into those bright blue eyes, he felt a shiver run through him. This wasn't Cas. This was Castiel, the angel. He gulped past the lump in his throat.
"Cas?" Fear took a hold as Cas tilted his head to the side and squinted.
"Hello, Dean."
Dean licked his lower lip. Cas watched the movement and narrowed his eyes further. What the hell is going on with him? Dean knew, of course he knew. He was protecting himself, detaching himself from his emotions. He doesn't want to be hurt again. But who does? The sadness swept through him. He'd hurt him so much.
"I'm sorry, Cas. I… I will understand if you want to walk away… for good. I just needed you to know why first. I need you to understand."
Cas took a step closer to him and Dean fought the urge to run to him. God he wanted him so much. He flexed his fingers in agitation. "Do you want me to walk away?" Cas sounded cautious, like he was trying to herd in a wild animal, and in a way that was what Dean was, a wild animal in need of taming. Dean shook his head. "Do you want me to stay as a friend?" The last word was a whisper and Dean knew how much strength it had taken for Cas to say it. Dean shook his head. "What do you want, Dean?"
Cas took another step towards him and Dean fought the urge to run to him again. He can't use physical affection to show him what he feels. No, Cas needed more. He needed this conversation and as much as Dean hated the idea of laying it all out there, he would do anything for Cas, anything. "You. I want you, Cas. I want..." Cas stopped walking closer, eyes wide, his hands trembling, the emotion back. No longer Castiel, but Cas. Dean tried not show he'd noticed and continued, "I want all of you. I want..." He closed his eyes and pictured what he wanted. When he opened them again, he was full of determination, determination to get this out, to get it all out. "I want to be able to kiss you whenever I want, hold you whenever I want. I want to go to sleep with you, I know you don't sleep, but I want to fall asleep with you there, right next to me. I want to wake up next to you. I want to talk to you, laugh with you. All of it. I want…."
Dean gulped and took a step closer to the man he was so in love with. They were now inches apart and from here, Dean could see all of the shock coming out of his eyes. Cas was shocked by this revelation, whatever he'd been expecting, it wasn't this. He cupped Cas's face in both hands, pressed his forehead to the Cas's, still staring into his eyes, he wet his lips once more. "I want you to take me. To make me yours and only yours. I want to be yours in every single way."
Cas reeled back, breaking their contact, his eyes wide. "Dean… You don't have to. I know you're terrified of this." He gestured between them.
"Yeah, I am. I'm terrified of it all. But having you, in that way, it's a good scared, you know?"
"But what if you run again? I can't.., I can't keep this up. I can't keep thinking I have you, to then lose you, to then have you and so on. I can't do that. If you want this, if you really want this, then stay, Dean. No more running."
"I promise. No more running."
Cas shook his head. "No. I need you to really think about this. Because… because the next time you run, I won't come back. It will be for good. Do you understand?"
Dean felt that jolt of pain in his chest again. Sam had been right, everyone has their breaking point, and it looks like Cas had reached his. Could he really do this? He thought about all that he was scared of, all that terrified him. He must have been silent for too long because he felt Cas touch his cheek, his eyes imploring him to answer. "I-"
"Dean. Its okay. If you really don't think you can't run again, then go now."
But he didn't want to. He didn't want to leave him, not again. "I-" Why couldn't he just say it? He frowned.
Cas sighed and dropped his hand. "I'll make it easier for you, Dean." Cas sidestepped him.
Panic and terror flooded Dean's senses and he reached out and gripped his arm. Cas looked down at where they were joined, his brow creasing. He was confused. Dean thought hard as he frowned at the terror that had spiked. Cas leaving willingly, Cas was leaving because Dean couldn't say what needed to be said, that was worse than all the other terrifying things he'd thought of. Worse than if Cas had died, because that wouldn't have been willingly.
"Don't leave," his voice was a plea, his eyes begged. "The thought of you leaving like this, this feeling… it's almost as bad as when I thought you were going to die. I.. need you to stay. I can't promise I won't run. I will, a lot. But it will be me needing a little more time to wrap my head around it. That's it. It will never mean I don't want you, or I don't love you. It's just me needing time and you need to be patient. I need you to be there when I get back, because I will always come back. That I can promise you."
Cas sucked in a deep breath. Dean waited patiently. It was all on Cas now. Could he accept this? Could he do this? Dean hoped he could. Cas's eyes didn't give anything away and with every second that ticked by Dean felt his heart stutter and droop in his chest. Of course Cas couldn't do this. Dean was asking too much of him again. He was about to open his mouth to say that it didn't matter, that Cas could walk if he needed to. But before a single word escaped, Cas had sealed his lips over Dean's. Dean couldn't move, he couldn't register what was happening. Cas stuck his tongue between Dean's parted lips and that's when he melted into it. He moved his mouth gently in time with Cas's. Dean had no idea how long he'd craved this. How much he wanted it but the relief shone through him at finally having that contact. The taste was amazing, the feeling intoxicating. But all too soon it came to an end. Cas pressed his forehead to Dean's.
"I promise. I promise I will be here when you run, Dean. Always."
Dean smiled the biggest smile he had ever smiled in his life.
- SUPERNATURAL -
Castiel led Dean back into the bunker. Sam was no where in sight and he was silently grateful for that. They needed time together, alone. They both needed to explore what this was. Yes, they were both in love, yes they both wanted to be with each other. But could they? Could they both do this? Dean had said he wanted Castiel to take him… What did that mean? Did he mean to be with him? To have sex with him? Castiel was confused and he needed to get a clear picture of what Dean really wanted.
He held Dean's hand in his, tightly grasping it, feeling those warm fingers in his. The feel of it made his heart soar, made him needy and achy, like he was desperate for any type of contact with the man. He wound his way through the bunker, dodging furniture. They were both silent. Both deep in thought. Castiel wondered what Dean was thinking. He glanced at him out the corner of his eye. Dean's face was solemn, his lips in a tight line, his eyes darting from side to side. Was he regretting this? Was he thinking of running again? Castiel hoped not, but judging by the look on his face, it certainly appeared that way. The ache was back in his chest. He tried to ignore, tried to concentrate on the feeling of Dean's hands in his, on the rough, warm skin against his smoother hand.
They finally made it to Dean's room. Castiel glanced at the guns that littered the wall as he let go of Dean's hand, reluctantly. His eyes swept across the desk, the pictures, the bed. He heard the soft click of the door. He knew what he needed to do and the jolt of the pain at the thought made him feel sick. He didn't want to do it. He didn't want to risk Dean accepting this solely for him. He slowly turned around. His eyes caught Dean's green ones, the were full of worry as he leant casually against the door, his arms folded and his one foot firmly planted against the wooden door.
Castiel gulped nervously. Dean looked so relaxed, so normal, so… him, worry and everything. "Dean… I don't want..."
Dean's eyes filled with panic and terror and it made Castiel's heart jump painfully in his chest at the sight. He didn't want to hurt him, didn't want to send him into a panic. "You don't want what?" His voice was shaken. He was terrified. Castiel took a step closer but froze when Dean visually shrank back. "If… if you don't want this, Cas, I will understand. I've hurt you too many times to count. I wouldn't blame you." He shrugged casually as if it was no big deal, but Castiel knew him better than that. He was bothered by the idea, really bothered.
"Dean, of course I want this." Dean's eyes brightened for a moment, happiness filling them, then confusion took over.
"So, what don't you want, then?"
Castiel sighed. How was he suppose to explain without Dean jumping to the defensive? He thought for a moment, his brows furrowing in concentration. "I don't want to force you. I don't want you to feel like you have to do this just to make me happy. If you really don't think this could be something you can do, then tell me now. I'd rather the honesty, Dean. It would be better later down the line."
Castiel watched Dean smirk. "You're giving me an out?" Castiel nodded. "I want this, I really do. All I ask is that your patient with me."
"I can do that." Castiel found himself smiling. It soon dropped when another thought came to mind. "What is this?"
Dean's own smirk dropped. "What do you mean?"
"Well, are we just friends? Or are we more?"
Castiel witnessed Dean frowning again. He prayed he'd give him the right answer, prayed he would give in and tell him exactly what he needed to know. Dean sighed. "I'm not ready to label this yet, Cas."
Castiel shook his head, disappointment flooding his system. That's not a proper answer and Dean knew it. "I'm not asking you to. It's just, I need to know, Dean. I've put myself on the line so many times in the past couple of months, only to be shot down and burned, every single time. I need to know. You don't have to label it. Just explain it to me."
Dean's eyes softened. "This is for the long haul, Cas. You and me for as long as we want each other. There will never be any one else. I won't go off and pick up random girls. I won't go looking for happily ever after with some chick. It's you, Cas, it will always be you. Even if you decide this isn't something you want any more, I will never be able to go back."
Love. Pure Love. It soared and swirled and filled and swam through him, lifting his heart, warming his chest. Castiel couldn't hold back any more. He took massive strides towards Dean, who dropped his arms, dropped his leg, his eyes widening with shock at the sudden change. Once Castiel reached Dean, he gripped the man's face in his hands and pressed his lips to his. The hunger and passion and love pouring through, breaking free. Dean hummed with pleasure as he opened his mouth, allowing Castiel to lick and taste him. He felt Dean's hands reaching around his waist, pulling him closer, their crotches touching. Castiel gasped at the sudden arousal that swam through him. He hadn't intended to get aroused, he just wanted to show Dean just how much he loved him, that was all. But he felt the swell of his cock, felt the blood pumping through his veins.
Dean broke the kiss first, his breathing ragged, his lips swollen and red, green eyes full of lust. The sight of him, aroused, sent shivers down his spine. As much as he wanted to rip Dean's clothes off and take him for himself, all of him, he knew Dean wasn't ready. Not yet.
"What are you doing to me, Cas?" His voice was a whisper, full of wonder and awe. Castiel frowned. Dean smiled shyly. "I just mean… I've never… felt like this… ever. Not with any one. It's… amazing. I mean… this isn't me, but it is, and… I don't know how to explain it."
Castiel smiled at him. He knew exactly what Dean was trying to say. Castiel felt it, too. Felt all of it. Instead of replying, he kissed him again, softer this time, gentler. Instead of the hunger and passion from before, he poured his heart out, poured the love out. Dean hummed in appreciation as he kissed back. Castiel broke away first this time.
Dean didn't smile this time. His eyes shone brightly, happiness radiating from them. "Cas… I… need you."
"You have me, Dean." His voice was raspy, full of emotion. Castiel knew that was okay though, knew that Dean would accept whatever emotion Castiel needed to show. Dean shook his head. He closed his eyes, banged the back of his head against the door softly and groaned. Castiel was confused. Is that not what Dean needed to know? Isn't that not what he wanted to hear? "Dean?"
Dean opened his eyes, determination held his features. Castiel sucked in a sharp breath at the change. "No, Cas. I mean… I need you." He rolled his groin against Castiel's and he sucked in another sharp breath at the feeling of Dean's bulge against his.
"Dean, do you mean…?" He couldn't finish the sentence, didn't know how to. Dean nodded. "Are you sure?"
"Yes. I need to feel you. I need this, Cas."
Castiel nodded. He pulled away, watching as Dean showed confusion. He smiled at the other man, showing him he was okay with this, but he was also a little amused. "As much fun as it would be, Dean, I'm not going to take you up against the door. Maybe next time, though." Dean's eyes darkened with lust at his words. Good. That's exactly what Castiel had intended. His smirk soon vanished when he held out his hand for Dean to take. He took it willingly. When their skin made contact it sent a bolt of electricity shooting up Castiel's arm, making his breath hitch and stutter. When he spoke again, his voice was sot and full of the love that he was so accustomed to feeling. But now he was was able to show it and it made him so happy, so elated. "Our first time isn't going to be rushed. It needs to be gentle and soft and perhaps somewhere comfortable. I want to show you just how much I love you, Dean. We'll have plenty of time to give into the desperate need we are certainly both feeling. But for now, I need this to be slow."
Dean's mouth dropped open. Panic flooded his system. Had he been wrong to say that? Is that not what Dean wanted? He was about to ask when Dean quickly got over his shock. "Okay. I just never pictured it this way." Castiel's curiosity almost got the better of him. Dean had pictured this moment? Really? What had he pictured it would be like? Now was not the time to ask though, so Castiel filed it away for later. He would definitely ask later. But first the had more important things to be doing.
"Are you sure this okay? If you don't want to do this, just say." He needed to make sure Dean was totally okay with this. If there was even a sliver of doubt he needed to know. This was a big deal for Dean. It was a big deal to Castiel as well, but it was more so for Dean. It all came down to this, the reason Dean kept fighting it, the panic that he had felt.
Dean nodded enthusiastically. "Yes. I am so sure, Cas. No more talking now. I want this, I want you."
Casitel smiled and slowly led Dean to the bed. Yes, the time for talking was surely over.
- SUPERNATURAL -
Okay, so there it is. Now I can promise you, I left it there on purpose. I felt that what may come next will take up almost a whole chapter. Sorry. But I can promise you that in the next chapter, there is that big moment for both of them, you know, the one we've all been waiting for.
Please tell me what you thought. I would love to know. Plus I want to know what you think will happen next. I know its kind of a given. But do you think Dean will go through with it? If he does, who do you think will top and who will bottom? Will there be foreplay? If they do go through with it how do you think they will both react to it? Will there be awkwardness? Or will they just finally be happy?
Please let me know. Oh, and I haven't pre-planned this story. I just start typing and see what comes out. That's probably why its taken so long to get to this point. So I have no idea how the next chapter will pan out yet. So your opinion and thoughts intrigue me as I have no idea where this is going.
Thanks for all the wonderful support as always. Until next time…
