Chapter 14
Castiel felt the sting of rejection, like so many times before. It felt like he was almost growing accustomed to it now. He replayed the scene in his head, watching as the flicker of hurt crossed Dean's face, then his walls building back up and shifting into place. Dean was pushing him away again and he knew that he couldn't go anywhere, not with his promise echoing around his mind. He promised he would be there whenever Dean was going to run, promised he would wait. But should he? How many more times are they going to go through these motions?
Sighing, he took the mug of coffee and shuffled off down the corridor. He'd heard Dean turn off the shower, heard him enter his room, and Castiel knew exactly what Dean had been thinking when he saw it empty. But he needed space, they both did. He had honestly thought about just staying, proving to Dean that he wasn't just going to up and leave him, but he couldn't, not when they had made love mere inches away. Instead of thinking about Dean running and the problem that they possess, all he could think about was the way Dean had felt, clenching around him, his erection rubbing against Castiel's stomach, the way Dean had looked when he had finally tipped over the edge. No, he had needed the space from that, from those amazing images.
As he neared the bedroom, he felt his heart droop in his chest. How would he find Dean? Angry? Upset? Relieved? That last one is the one Castiel feared above all else. If he was relieved, it would mean only one thing, Dean didn't want him there.
He rounded the doorway and was startled by what he saw. His shock made the mug slip slightly in his grip, it made his blood freeze in his veins, it made his breathing cease, it made the colour drain from his face.
Dean was curled up on his bed, head on the pillow, knees pulled tightly in, eyes closed, and tears were streaming down his face, silently. He was biting his bottom lip in an effort, Castiel could only assume, to stop a sob from breaking out. He truly looked like a broken man and Castiel wanted nothing more than to go to him, but he knew Dean wouldn't want that, wouldn't want him to see him so vulnerable. Castiel allowed his eyes to rake up and down the other man's body. Dean was only clad in a towel around his waist and he knew that would make Dean feel even more vulnerable if Castiel had chosen to go to him.
He cleared his throat, alerting the hunter to his presence. He quickly averted his eyes, knowing Dean wouldn't appreciate being ogled in this current situation. "I've brought you some coffee." His voice was low and barely audible but he knew Dean had heard him.
Castiel couldn't help himself, the urge to look at him was too strong. He caught those green eyes with his blue ones and was shocked by what he saw there. What had he been expecting though? Anger? Resentment? No, what he saw there was pure shock and disbelief, as though he couldn't quite believe that Castiel was stood there, that he hadn't really left. This left Castiel reeling a little. Had Dean forgotten about his promise? Or maybe he just thought Castiel would back out of it, break it. This sent a wave of sadness and disappointment through his body. Did Dean really think so little of him?
With caution he watched Dean slowly uncurl himself and sit up, his legs now dangling over the edge of the bed, his feet not quite touching the floor, and his one hand was pressed into the mattress beside him, keeping him balanced, his other hand was gripping the towel tightly, ensuring it wouldn't fall. His eyes were still wide and Castiel watched with slight amusement at how his mouth opened and closed a few times. It wasn't very often anybody made Dean Winchester speechless, and a small, tiny part of him was revelling in the fact he had done that.
He didn't say anything, wanting to allow the hunter to wrap his head around the fact that he was still there. He itched to go to him, though, an itch that was slowly getting harder to ignore. Dean dropped his eyes to the floor, glaring at it, his brows furrowed. If looks could kill, the floor would surely be dead by now, Castiel mused to himself.
"You didn't leave," Dean's voice was soft and unsure of himself.
"Of course not," Castiel responded, starting to move slowly towards him.
Dean snapped his head up. Castiel stopped his advances, his heart now beating wildly in his chest as he watched those walls go back up. His heart broke at the sight. Dean was trying to protect himself from any more pain, any more hurt. Castiel could understand that. Over the past month or so, they have done nothing but hurt each other, or themselves, and Dean wasn't accustomed to feeling this way. But then again, neither was he.
"Why?" Dean spoke through gritted teeth, as though getting the question out was too much hard work, as though he really didn't want to know the answer.
Castiel sighed and closed the distance between them. He felt Dean's eyes burning through him, but chose to ignore it as he set the coffee on the night stand. He crouched down and looked up into Dean's eyes. "I should leave. I have much to do, Dean. But I made a promise. A promise I intend on keeping."
Dean furrowed his brows in confusion. "What promise?" he spoke in a whisper, again unsure of himself for asking. Castiel hated that. Dean had never been unsure with anything before, never. He was always so focused on what he wanted and needed. But right now, Castiel could tell this was the most unsure he'd ever been.
"Have you really forgotten?" Castiel replied. He placed his hand in Dean's. He could see the fight warring behind those green orbs. Castiel knew he wanted to tear his hand away, walk away, but he knew he also wanted to stay. Castiel didn't give him a chance to make the decision. "You're running again, Dean. I promised I would be here when you come back."
Dean stood abruptly, almost knocking Castiel back off his feet. He watched as Dean moved away from him, keeping his back to him. Castiel slowly stood, not allowing his gaze to waver, but still allowing Dean his space. Dean had to come back to him on his own terms, that's how this needed to work.
Finally Dean turned. The tears were back and there was such sadness in his eyes. Somehow, Castiel didn't think he was going to like what came next. "We can't do this, Cas. It's not going to work. I mean, long distance relationships never work."
Castiel huffed a sigh of relief. He wasn't running from his feelings, from what happened last night. He was running because he thought they were going to break against the strain of being so far apart. "Who said anything about long distance?"
Amusement swam through him at the sight of the bewilderment that was now written across the hunters perfect features. "But… But you said..."
Castiel moved across the room in one swift movement, leaving them inches apart. His smile softened, his eyes serious. He could feel the heat rise through his body at the close proximity. "I said I needed to make sure the angels are okay after Naomi. I did not say I would be staying to assistant them."
"Then why go at all?"
"Because I need to make sure they have someone to follow. Angels don't do well on their own. They are still my family, they are still my responsibility. I'm the reason for they're suffering. The least I can do is ensure they are safe before..." He allowed the sentence trail off, not knowing if Dean would appreciate what he was about to say.
"Before?" Dean pressed softly, his eyes wide and his breathing shallow. If Castiel was really tuned in, he'd probably hear the wild beat of Dean's heart.
"Before… Before I leave them, for good. When I get back, Dean. I don't plan on leaving, ever. If that's okay with you, that is."
Castiel had expected relief or happiness at his words, but what he saw instead was pure, unwavering fear. He took a step back in shock, his eyes growing wide and this horrible sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Did he not want him to stay? That thought cut deep into his chest and he had to fight the urge to rub at his chest to ease it.
"But what if you don't, Cas?"
Castiel tilted his head to the side in confusion. "Don't want?"
It was Dean's turn to close the distance now, cupping his face in both hands, his eyes swimming with tears. "What if you don't come back? What if they are just as angry with you as those other angels? What if I..." He watched as Dean swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing slightly. "What if I lose you?"
Castiel sucked in a sharp breath that burned his lungs. Dean wanted him to come back, he wanted him to stay, wanted to keep him here. He was just scared, scared of what might happen. He reached up and cupped Dean's hands with his own, knowing that he will need as much reassurance as he can give. "I will come back. Nothing will keep me away. Nothing."
Dean sucked in a breath and closed his eyes, as though he was trying to regain his composure. Castiel waited patiently, waiting for him to come to terms with whatever was running through his head. "I almost lost you, Cas. Naomi almost… I can't go through that again."
His eyes were still closed as a lone tear escaped. Castiel reached out with one hand and gently wiped it away. "Look at me, Dean." It took Dean a few more moments and a couple of shallow breaths later, he finally opened his eyes. Castiel forced himself to remain calm as he looked at the concern written in those watery, green eyes. "I know you're worried. I am too. But this is something I have to do. Please. I need to know your okay with this."
Dean turned around sharply, leaving Castiel's hands hanging in mid air. He was so shocked by the sudden movement, it took him far too long to realise that he should drop his hands. Dean kept his back to him and Castiel could see his shoulders rising and falling. He was struggling to keep his emotions in check, struggling with the worst scenarios his mind could conjure up. When he finally turned back round, the first thing that Castiel noticed was how his eyes had hardened and sadness washed through him again. Dean was shutting himself off, or preparing for an argument, either one wasn't something Castiel wanted. "But I'm not, Cas. I'm not okay with it. I will never be okay with it and I can't pretend otherwise. If you go, then it has to be without my blessing."
Unfortunately, Castiel understood this. He didn't want to understand, he wanted to fight Dean on this one. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. "If I go, will I still have you to come back to?" Somehow he needed to know, he needed to know that Dean would wait for him, no matter how long this took.
He had expected Dean's eyes to soften, to hold love and kindness. But he didn't change. He was still protecting himself, still keeping himself emotionally distance. Castiel's heart broke, because he knew. He knew Dean wasn't going to be there. He wasn't okay with this. He was never going to be okay and he was going to make Castiel suffer because he was suffering. They stood staring for too long but Dean never ventured an answer. Maybe Dean didn't know the answer, or maybe he just didn't want to voice the truth. But either way, he felt his heart sink, felt the loss of what they'd shared. He shivered with the knowledge that if he walked out that door he wouldn't be welcomed back.
A huge part of him didn't want to leave, didn't want to loose this, but another part needed to go, needed to make sure the angels were okay. Why didn't Dean understand his urgency on the matter? Anger started to replace the hurt and sadness. He was always bending over backwards to accommodate Dean's needs. Why couldn't Dean offer him the same curtsey? He voluntarily hardened his own eyes, allowing Dean to know he wasn't okay with this. Dean's own eyes widened slightly at the change, but quickly went back to glaring.
Castiel took a step towards him. "I have done nothing but help you. I have done nothing but try to be understanding with the dangerous decisions you have made. Why can't you do the same for me?" Dean didn't answer, didn't look like he was going to either. The anger that had been rising within started to burn furiously through his veins. "Answer me," he finally bellowed.
Dean jumped at his voice. "Because I can't lose you," he yelled, his face growing red with his own anger.
"And you think I can lose you? You constantly make stupid, dangerous, selfish decisions, but I at least understand why you need to do them. Why can't you understand why I need to do this?" This was becoming a shouting match now, but Castiel was not going to back down from this.
"I do understand, I just don't agree."
Okay, well that was something, Castiel thought to himself. He took a couple of steadying breaths, dousing the fire within to peter out. "Will you still be here when I return?" he asked, softening his eyes. Even if he didn't like the answer, he needed to hear it. He slowly started to prepare himself for the heartbreak that was sure to come.
Dean looked down, his own anger diminishing. "I don't know." His answer was barely audible, but Castiel heard it. No amount of preparing was enough for this. He felt his the crippling pain shoot across his chest and he forced himself not fall to the floor from the weight of it. He swayed on his feet as his eyes started to sting. He knew what was coming and he didn't want to do that, not here, not in front of Dean. If he was going to break, he had to do it far, far away.
When Dean looked up, he saw the sadness and pain shining from them. This was hurting him, too. The anger was slowly igniting again. What gave him the right to hurt because of this? This was, after all, his decision. "You're a coward," he spat through gritted teeth.
Dean's eyes widened in surprise. Castiel was surprised as well. Not by the words, but by the venom that came with them. "What?"
"You heard me. You're just finding reason after reason to end this. If you don't want this, at least tell me straight instead of using excuses." Those words hurt, but there was no way he was going to show Dean that.
"I-" Dean's eyes darted from side to side. That was it, that was the end of Castiel's heart as he knew it. Dean didn't know what to say, he didn't know if he wanted this. Castiel, not once, thought those words were true. When he'd called him a coward it was just a way to get Dean to hurt just as much as he did. It was petty, he knew that, even more so when he said that Dean didn't want this. He thought he did, especially after last night.
This was the end. He couldn't be here any more, he couldn't be near the man he will never have any more. "I'll make this easy on you." He turned to walk out the door, his heart no longer beating in his chest, no longer hurting. He was finally numb from it all. This was his limit. He couldn't take any more.
Startling him, a hand reached out and gripped his hand. Castiel froze, not looking over his shoulder. "I do want this, Cas. I'm just scared of losing you. If this is something you have to do, then okay, I support you and I will wait for you. I will be here when you get back."
Castiel didn't feel anything. He was just saying it, that's all, to stop him from leaving for good. But Castiel didn't care. Dean had hurt him too many times to count and this has gone far enough. He slowly looked into those pleading eyes. He pushed that hand away, shocking Dean. "I don't know if I want to return."
With nothing more to be said, Castiel exited the room, leaving a very hurt Dean. Castiel didn't care. He didn't care if this hurt them both. Not any more. He walked down the corridor, into the map room where Sam was sitting. He could hear Dean's cries, calling for him, pleading with him to wait. But Castiel didn't, couldn't. He wasn't going to let Dean get away with hurting him any more. Sam's eyes widened as a panicked Dean rushed into the room.
"Cas, please."
Castiel pounded up the stairs and out of the bunker into the warms sunshine. The moment the sun hit his face and he gulped in a lungful of air he flapped his wings and vanished, vaguely aware that Dean had followed him, still pleading.
- SUPERNATURAL -
Dean had no idea what had just happened. One minute they were discussing him leaving and the next they were debating over whether Dean wanted to be with Cas. He was honest, as honest as he'd ever been with anyone, including Sam. Yet, Cas still left.
He had pleaded with him to return, to not leave like that. The thought of that possibly being the last time they saw each other was clawing away at his insides. If Cas really did want to leave, then fine, Dean could understand that, as much as it hurt to think about, but… but he couldn't leave things like that. He needed Cas to know that he loves him, that he does want this, just as much as he does.
When it became obvious that he wasn't going to return, he hung his head in shame as the sharp bite of pain ricocheted throughout his chest. "Cas? I didn't want to do this through prayer. Hell, I don't even know if you're listening to me right now." His body started shaking as the tears came fast and quiet down his flushed cheeks. He fell to his knees, holding his hands in front of him, watching with fascination as they shook. He heaved in a shuddering breath. "I need you to know. I love you, Cas, and I'm waiting for you to return, if you decide you want to return. If you decide that you don't want to..." The words sliced through is already shattered heart and he forced himself to continue. "Please, just let me know you're okay, that you're safe. If you don't want to see me, then just tell Sam. I need to know you're okay."
He waited, just in case Cas returned. His eyes now darted around, his ears listening intently to the sounds around him, hoping to hear the tell-tale signs of flapping wings. But nothing came. Realisation hit then, sending him stumbling backwards, making him land on his ass. He'd hurt Cas too many times. Cas has had enough. But who could blame him, really?
With a heavy heart, he slowly pulled himself off the floor and shuffled back into the bunker. Sam was sitting at the library table and Dean completely ignored him, not wanting to discuss anything yet. Instead he headed for his room. Once there, he fell, literally, on to his bed, burying his face into the pillow. The tears started to come faster, the sobs pushed up from his chest. Not able to hold them in any more, he finally let out an almighty yell that was muffled by the pillow.
Finally, the tears stopped. His throat was sore from yelling, his eyes stung from the tears and his head throbbed. He rolled over, wondering how long he'd been led there like that. He looked at his cell on the night stand, pressed the button. He'd been led there all day. It was now reaching midnight. Sam hadn't been to check on him which Dean felt relieved and grateful for. He stood, grabbed a few items from his drawers and moved out of the room. Briefly the thought about how he hadn't eaten all day, his stomach had started to protest against it, but he didn't want to eat, couldn't stomach anything.
With one last longing look at the room, he sighed. There was no way he could sleep in there, in that bed, not after last night. With the weight of his pain, he moved down the hall in the hope of getting some sleep.
As he rounded the corner he ran into Sam, colliding with him. Dean didn't look at him, instead he waited patiently for him to move out of the way, instead his brother started to talk softly. "Look, uh, I know we had a hunt today, I got some other hunter to take it. Figured you didn't really want to go."
Dean didn't say anything as he kept is eyes averted. The pain in his chest was now hollowing out, numbing. He didn't answer his brother, couldn't bring himself to. He knew that if he did, Sam would see it as an opening and he really didn't want to talk. Sam sighed, moving to the side. Dean carried on walking, feeling Sam's eyes burning through his back.
That was when Dean realised. He realised what not wanting to eat, not wanting to hunt, not wanting to talk meant.
He was broken and nothing was going to fix him. Nothing except Cas.
I am so sorry! I really am! I had intended this to end a little happier, but my mind got away from me. Nothing is ever easy for those two. Please Review!
