Chapter 15
Emptiness. Hollow.
That was all he felt now. Nothing. He didn't feel happy, sadness, anger, love. There was nothing. Just this emptiness that was swallowing him whole, refusing to let him go, refusing to let him be. In some part of his mind he wanted to cry, to scream, but he couldn't. As soon as the thought came to him, he was sure to push it away quickly, before his eyes welled up. He wouldn't allow himself to feel the sorrow, or the pain of losing Cas. He couldn't. This was all his fault anyway.
He glanced at the bedroom door, knowing that any moment now Sammy would enter, trying to coax him to eat something, to shower, to do anything but lie in this god damn bed. He didn't want to do any of those things, he didn't want to do anything but lie here and allow his mind to numb itself from all thoughts. He'd lost all concept of time. It could have been days, it could have been weeks, or even years, since Cas had walked away. Dean hadn't tried to call for him, he didn't feel like he deserved the forgiveness, not that he'd be willing to give it to him. There was no way he was going to try and earn it back. There was no point. Even if Cas did, miraculously, forgive him, Dean would fuck it all up again anyway. So what was the point?
As if on cue, a knock sounded on the door. Dean turned away, sighing, his eyes latching onto the ceiling. He heard the door opening, but he refused to look. He didn't want to see the worried look in his brothers eyes. If he did, he knew he would crumble, would be forced to put on a fake show that everything was okay. He couldn't do it. Not any more. After years of doing that for his brother's benefit, for Cas's benefit, he was just so tired. All he wanted to do was curl up and die.
Sam's heavy breathing could be heard from the doorway as the light spilled into the room. Dean could almost hear the cogs working in his brothers brain, he was trying to figure out a new way to get Dean to leave the room. "Dean?"
Dean didn't respond, didn't know if he could. How long had it been since he last said anything? He knew the last words he'd spoken was to Cas, knew exactly what those words were. But how long ago was that?
"Dean, please." Still Dean didn't say anything, silently praying for his brother to leave in peace. Usually, his brother wouldn't stay for long, couple of minuets at most. Sam would sense it was pointless and just leave, ready to try again soon. This time was different. This time he heard footsteps draw closer to the bed. He forced himself to keep staring at that damn white ceiling. He was not curious about what his brother was doing. He wasn't allowed to feel anything but the pain he felt at losing the best thing that had ever happened to him. Nothing but this bottomless pit of agony.
The footsteps stopped. Nothing could be heard except heavy breathing. Dean desperately tried not to glance at Sammy, but with every silent second that passed, he could feel his will crumbling. Just as he was about to give in and look at the man next him, his brother spoke. "This has to stop, Dean. It's been nearly two weeks!"
Without any real thought, Dean snapped his head around to stare at his brother, his eyes grew round and his mouth hung open in shock. Two weeks? Was that all? It had felt so much longer. His brother's eyes were watery and emotional. Damn! He should not have looked at him. He was starting to feel a stir in his chest, an urge to make his brother feel okay again, to make him stop worrying. Urgently, he turned his head back around, his eyes latching back onto the ceiling. He's not allowed to feel anything else, nothing else. That's how it needed to be, for now, anyway.
"Dean, please? You have to eat something. You can't stay here forever."
Dean wanted to snap a retort back, something like, 'Oh, yeah? Watch me!'. He kept his mouth firmly shut instead, waiting, willing his brother to just go already. To leave him alone to drown in this unbearable grief.
A few moments passed and finally, finally, Sam withdrew from the room, sighing heavily, closing the door behind him. Dean released a hard breath, a breath he hadn't realised he was holding. Silence, at last. He was alone again, alone to keep feeling this agonising pain. To keep feeling everything he damn well deserved.
It could have a been minuets, it could have been hours for all Dean knew, and still he hadn't moved an inch when another knock sounded at the door. This one sounded different, more hesitant, more nervous. He didn't move though, didn't make a sound. Whatever Sammy wants, it can't be good if he's knocking like that. A few moments passed and the door slowly swung open and still Dean couldn't bring himself to move, to look at his brother. He knew, deep down, that he should move, should show signs that he really was okay, just to stop Sam from worrying, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't escape this constant pain that had rapidly enveloped him whole.
"Dean?"
Dean swung his head around so fast that he saw black spots in front of his vision. He closed his eyes as a wave of nausea washed through him, and he tried to gulp past it. When he finally opened his eyes again he saw the man standing nervously in the entrance to his room. His heart picked up speed, his body twitched with need. He wanted nothing more than to dive across the room and embrace him. Disbelief wormed its way through the shock. Was he imagining this? Was this his brain's way of torturing him? Had he finally gone insane? He didn't dare move, didn't dare blink, afraid Cas would disappear. He could feel the hope igniting and he tried so desperately to push it away. Even if he was really here, that didn't mean anything, not really, This might be Cas coming to say goodbye, to make this final. If that was it, he didn't think he would be able to cope with those words.
Dean didn't say anything, not because he didn't want to, but because he was unsure of what he should say. What do you say to a guy you've hurt too many times to count? 'Oh, hey. I'm sorry for being a jerk, forgive me?'. Sorry wasn't going to cut it, not this time.
Cas moved cautiously, covering the distance between the doorway and the bed. He stopped at the bed, his eyes narrowing in on him. He wilted under that penetrating stare, under those steely blue eyes. They were accusing Dean of something, what, he didn't know. He'd fucked up so many times in the past few months.
"When was the last time you slept?" Cas's voice was soft. If Dean hadn't been looking into those hardened eyes, he would have sworn Cas was feeling sad for him. But as it was, he was staring into those eyes and he could feel the anger flowing from them.
He didn't answer, not knowing what to say. He generally didn't know when the last time he slept was. All he knew was that his body was exhausted, screaming at him to sleep. He had tried, plenty of times, but every time he closed his eyes he would picture the way Cas's body had felt against his as they showed each other just how much they loved one another. He wasn't allowed to think about the good times with him. It was his fault there was going to be no more of them.
Cas sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. Dean stared at his trench coat clad back. What was he doing here? He wanted to ask, wanted to ask all the important questions, but still he couldn't bring himself to talk. Cas turned to look over his shoulder. His eyes had softened now, filling with sadness and guilt. What did he have to feel guilty about? Reaching out, Cas touched the back of his hand to Dean's cheeks. Panic hit him hard and fast, he recoiled, moving urgently out of the touch, shuffling across his bed as his heart hammered in his chest. The electricity he'd felt from that one small touch sent thrills rushing through him. He wasn't allowed to feel that, he wasn't allowed to feel good after everything he'd done. It was easier than he thought it would be to ignore the hurt that had fallen upon the angels features, but all he could focus on was the way his head spun from the sudden movement, sending the room spinning around him. That had been the first major movement in forever.
Cas dropped his hand to the bed, lowering his eyes and Dean knew he felt guilty. He wanted nothing more than to tell him he had nothing to feel guilty about, that this wasn't his fault, but he couldn't get his mouth to work. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left like that."
He watched as Cas turned back around, his head bowed towards the floor. Dean didn't think about what he was doing, didn't register it until he was slowly moving back across the bed towards Cas. He should stop. He shouldn't allow himself this. He continued anyway, knowing that this movement had nothing to do with him and everything to do with Cas. He wanted Cas to be okay, he wanted to comfort him, show him that this wasn't his fault.
On his knees behind the angel, he slowly, cautiously, wrapped his arms around the man, linking his hands at his hard chest. With a deep breath, he leant his head against the hard muscles of his back. As the contentment filled him, he fought against the urge to remove himself from Cas. He wasn't suppose to feel this, not after everything, but once again told himself that this wasn't about him, this was about Cas.
He felt Cas lean back into the embrace. Dean should say something, something reassuring, something that would make the angel feel better. But what? Without thinking, he spoke, his throat hurting and constricting in protest, but he ignored it. "You were right."
Cas turned and Dean tried to release him, but Cas reached up and held onto to Dean's linked hands, sending that familiar electricity shooting through him again. Their eyes locked and for a moment neither of them said anything. He knew Cas wanted him to elaborate, to explain what he meant by that. "I was being a coward. Trying to find an excuse to end this." He hadn't realised how true that was until he uttered those words.
"So, you want it to end?" Cas's voice was laced with pain and sorrow and understanding, it broke Dean's heart. He could have sworn he heard a hint of hope as well, surely he'd imagined that. He considered the question. Did he want it to end? He thought back to the last time they saw each other, the way he had pushed him away at the first sign of trouble.
"I did."
Cas moved so suddenly, sending Dean to his ass on the bed. He watched with shock as Cas started to move towards the door. Panic pushed all reason out of the window, if there had been a window. He was going to leave again, he was going to leave Dean all alone, feeling the agony of loss. "Wait, Cas!" Cas froze, but didn't turn, he saw that as a good sign.
Quickly, he moved to the edge of the bed, not allowing the nausea and the dizziness to take control just yet. "Please, don't go. I can't… I can't do this any more."
The tears came freely, flowing fast and hot. Cas didn't turn, didn't look at him and that just made the tears come even faster. "Do what?"
Dean swiped at his tears, trying to form his thoughts into words. He hated anything remotely to do with expressing his emotions. He needed to do this for Cas, Cas needed this from him. "I can't feel this way any more." He stood and slowly moved across the room, afraid that Cas would disappear on him again. He once again wrapped his arms around the angel, pressing his chest against his back and leant his forehead into his shoulder blades. He felt Cas stiffen with tension but he didn't move away. Small mercies. "I've missed you, so damn much," he whispered.
Cas didn't move, didn't relax. "I can't do this any more, Dean."
Dean felt the sudden jolt of pain in his chest. Was Cas finishing this for good? Had he finally had enough of his drama? He felt Cas move in his arms, and he tried to hold on tighter, not ready for this to end yet, not ready to say goodbye. He didn't know how to, didn't know if he'd survive it. Of course, his efforts meant nothing to Cas, but to his relief he didn't step away, he just turned to face him. Slowly, and cautiously, he bent his head and caught Dean's lips. Instantly Dean melted at the feel of it, at the taste and he needed so much more. He opened his mouth to allow Cas's tongue access, but instead Cas pulled away. When Dean looked at him, his heart started to wilt at the sight. Cas had tears streaming down his face and Dean knew. He knew this was goodbye.
He held on tighter. If he let him go, the angel would disappear. Cas tried to extract himself from his arms, but he held on tighter. "Don't, please." Begging. He hated begging. But if this would get him to stay, he would do it hundred times more.
"Dean," he sighed with so much sorrow in his voice it made him loosen his grip slightly. "Please, don't make this harder."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." It hurt. Everywhere. He didn't want to let him go, not like this. He understood, so much. He understood why Cas needed to say goodbye, understood why he needed this to end. He was protecting himself, again. Always the need to protect himself, it shouldn't be that way.
"Dean-"
"I love you." He couldn't let him walk out that door without knowing what he truly felt, what he would forever feel. Cas's eyes widened at the unexpected words. Dean surged forwards and placed a small, gentle kiss on those perfect plump lips. To his surprise, Cas kissed back, just as gentle. He closed his eyes, memorising how they felt, how they tasted, how they moulded perfectly to his. He memorised how this kiss made him feel, so light, so warm, so happy. When he finally pulled away, he allowed the pain of the moment to take hold once again. The tears started up again as he withdrew from the angel and taking a step back.
He waited for the inevitable, waited for him to turn to leave, but he didn't. He was stood frozen, eyes wide. Dean felt frustration growing within him. If he was going to leave, he needed to do it now or he would end up begging again. He wasn't going to do that. He had no right to keep him here. He had no right to ask him not to go.
Nobody moved for the longest of moments. Dean opened his mouth, to tell him to hurry and go if he was going to, but Cas spoke softly first. "I can't."
Dean narrowed his eyes in confusion. "Can't what?"
Cas sighed and dropped his gaze to the floor. "Stay," he whispered.
"I know." Cas snapped his eyes back to Dean's in shock. "I understand, Cas. I pushed you to breaking point and now..." he took a step forward, but not allowing himself to touch the angel, if he did, he knew he would break. "You're scared. It's okay."
Cas tilted his head to the side, his eyes shrinking to slits. "It's a lot of things, but okay is not one of them."
"I understand. Just… if you're going to leave, please can you just do it." He was pleading with him, not knowing how long he could hold back for. Cas nodded in understanding. Dean loved the way he would always understand what he was trying to say without him actually having to use words. He turned to leave and Dean reached out, wrapping his fingers around his skinny wrist. "I just need you to know something first." Cas nodded for him to continue. "I will always love you. No matter what. I will always love you and… You need to know that the time we've spent together, it's that happiest I've ever been. I will always be so grateful to you for that."
He released the wrist, watching as Cas hesitated for a moment. He had no idea where that had all come from, but he knew it was the truth and it hurt so much. He needed Cas to hurry up and leave because he couldn't hold back his pain for much longer. He needed to break, he needed to cry, to sob, to scream, anything that would release him from what he was feeling.
"Same here, Dean." It was barely audible, but he'd heard it just fine. He couldn't hold himself up any more as those words pierced through him. He collapsed to the floor, heaving in a deep breath as he tried to take back control. But it was pointless. The tears came hard and fast, the sob started to bubble inside him and he flung a hand across his mouth to stop it. Cas couldn't see him like this. He needed to know it was okay. That it would all be okay.
He felt strong arms wrap around him, heard a soft mumbling in his ear, he couldn't hear what he was saying, all he could hear was the blood pumping loudly. He looked at the man who was holding him. His eyes were sad and filled with guilt.
Suddenly he didn't care that he was Dean Winchester. He didn't care that this wasn't something he didn't do, but everything be damned, he needed to try. Cas was the best thing that had ever happened to him, he was not going to let that go so easily. "Please, don't go. I'm done running. I won't run no more, I promise. Just don't leave me again."
"Dean-"
"I love you and I will shout it to the whole world if it meant you won't leave me. Please." He reached up and stroked the angels stubbly cheek, loving how rough it was against his skin. "Please," he whispered once more.
Cas darted his eyes uncomfortably to the bed. "Come on. Let's get you in bed."
Dean shook his head in protest, he didn't want his bed, he wanted Cas. But Cas heaved him off the floor, dragged him across the room and placed him gently under the covers. He turned to leave and Dean reached out to grip his wrist again, panic overpowering him.
"I'm just going to get Sam to make you something to eat."
"I'm not hungry," he mumbled. He really wasn't.
"Tough." With that, Cas released his wrist and was gone from the room. Dean felt the emptiness once again and tried not to think about how Cas was probably just trying to find a reason to leave without him clinging to him.
-SUPERNATURAL-
What was he to do? He felt so lost, so unsure of himself. He had come here to say goodbye because he couldn't do this no more, he couldn't keep feeling this excruciating pain. He owed it to Dean to make it final, he owed it to himself. As he stared at the closed door, he found his heart pounding in his chest. Did Dean mean what he said? Was he really done running?
He couldn't believe that, couldn't allow himself to. Dean had hurt him so many times now, that he just couldn't open himself up to that hope again. Instead of thinking about this any more, he turned and slowly made his way down the corridor. He was going to leave after he got Dean something to eat. Once he'd done that, that would be it. He couldn't keep doing this. Before he had come here, he'd made himself promise to be strong, to not give in to Dean. He thought back to a moment ago, when they had been on that floor, embracing each other, Dean begging. He had felt his will crumbling, he had been moments away from giving in. That's why he'd suggested food, that's why he made a hasty retreat. He needed to gather his thoughts. He needed to gather his will power to do what was necessary, not for Dean, but for himself.
He walked into the kitchen, down the couple of steps and halted. Sam was sat at the table, coffee in one hand, and his tablet in the other. When Cas walked in, he looked up, placing both items on the table and smiled nervously. "Has he said anything yet?"
"Yes. Would it be okay if you made him something to eat?" Sam's eyebrows shot up into his hairline in shock.
"He's willing to eat something?"
This had Castiel reeling backwards in shock. He knew he hadn't been sleeping, but not eating? "Sam, I think its about time you explained to be what's been going on. It must be serious if he's not even eating."
Sam stood, his eyes darting from side to side nervously. "It's you, Cas."
"What's me?"
Sam finally locked his eyes onto Cas's, determination filling them. "He can't live without you."
Cas felt his heart pick up speed, felt his the hope spring forth. He tried to stamp it down, it has never done him any good to hope, but he couldn't stop it. Maybe Dean was telling the truth, maybe he was really done running. "I don't understand."
"Cas," Sam sighed. "He really, really loves you. I've never seen him like this, not with anyone. Not family, not friends, not girlfriends. Just with you."
Sam didn't wait for a reply. Instead he brushed past Cas and out of the kitchen. He thought about shouting to him about the food, but thought better of it. He needed to discuss things with Dean. Needed to understand exactly what he wants, especially before he makes his final decision. He knew he was going to say goodbye, but if Dean really was done with running and he loved Cas as much as Sam was proposing, then he'd be stupid to let that go.
He raced back to the bedroom, his heart thudding in his chest. He took in a deep breath and opened the door. Dean was lying in the same position he'd left him in, only this time he was openly sobbing. He'd not even realised Cas had entered the room. He watched for a minute, allowing the sight to tug painfully on his heart. Is this what he'd done to the man he loved? This wasn't who Dean was. He didn't sob, he didn't stop eating. No, Dean would get angry, would destroy things, hunt monsters, drink himself into oblivion and do it all over again. Maybe this is what love does to someone, maybe Sam was right and Dean really did love him.
He closed the door behind him. "Dean?"
Dean snapped his eyes to his, his sobbing ceasing, but the tears still came. "You… You forgot my food." That was as close to the real Dean as he was going to get. That comment didn't hold any of the playful manor Dean would offer with it, but it was closet he'd gotten since he'd returned.
"We should talk."
He watched as Dean sat himself up against the headboard, wiping his tears away. Castiel forced the twitch in his body away, he wanted to go to him, comfort him, to tell him he was never going anywhere and he didn't need to worry. But he couldn't do any of those things. Not until he knew.
Dean nodded his acceptance and waited. Castiel couldn't look him in the eye, couldn't bring himself to. He knew what he'd see there, fear of what was going to be said. He took in a deep breath, bracing himself for the answer that would surely follow. "Did you mean it?"
"Mean… mean what?"
Another deep breath. "Your promise. No more running?"
Castiel held his breath and waited for the answer that was either going to make him or break him.
A/N: Please Review! I know people are reading and I am eternally grateful. But the reviews seem to have stopped and some feedback would be great, I am dying to know what you think! Thank you to everyone who is supporting this story.
