A/N: Okay so we are finally coming to close. Maybe a couple more chapter left. I feel like crying now because I've enjoyed writing this so much. I would like to apologise for all the emotional crap throughout. I've really pulled on everyone's heart strings, haven't I?

Anyway, please review. I would love to know what you all think. Any advice would also be appreciated. Anything, whether that would be about the plot or the way I written this story. Just for any future stories I plan on writing, which I really do plan on writing.

Let me know how my first Destiel fic has panned out so far. I look forward to hearing off you all.

Enjoy!

Chapter 16

His heart was a shattered mess as he watched the angel hovering before him, eyes wide, expectant, waiting, hoping. Dean tried to process the question, tried to process that Cas hadn't left yet, tried to process that he was in the most vulnerable situation he'd ever found himself in. He tried to move closer to the angel and ceased his movements as the aching throbbed through his entire body, screaming at him that he needed sleep and food, but this was important. He couldn't check out yet, couldn't use excuses to shy away from this conversation.

He took in a shaky breath. He had begged Cas not to leave, had promised him he wouldn't run. He didn't think for one second that Cas would actually consider his promise. Now, after the question had left his mouth, Dean was left wondering if he could come through on it. Could he really come through on a promise like that? If he was to stop this feeling inside of him, this depressed and dangerous feeling, then he had to follow through with it, there was no other way around it. Cas needed this from him, needed him not to run no more. If he couldn't stick to it then Cas would have no other choice but to leave again, to protect himself.

As the silence dragged on, he watched with painful wonder as Castiel's blue eyes met his green ones, holding nothing but sadness and disappointment. He desperately wanted to take that look away, wanted to reassure him that he would hold his promise, no matter what.

He opened his mouth, to do just that, but just as he did, Cas disappeared, leaving through the open door. The panic hit him hard and fast. He was about to lose him again. No, he can't, not again. He can't keep playing this broken, useless man. He just can't. Finally, his limbs started to work properly, his brain kicked back into gear and he jumped from his bed, throwing the covers back violently. He raced out of his room, his feet slapped against the floor, his arms pushed against the cold air, urging him to go faster around the bends of the corridor.

"Cas, wait!" He saw the billowing trench coat disappear as it rounded the corner, and for a moment Dean hoped that he will see that messy black hair appear, but it didn't. "Cas!"

The panic was consuming him now, making his heart beat ten times faster than it should be. He felt the tears threatening to fall down his pale cheeks. Entering the library, he paused at the sight before him. Cas was stood with his back to him, arms hanging limply by his sides. That's not what caught his eye, it was his brother. Sam was blocking the only exit out of the bunker, arms folded across his muscled chest, eyes narrowed in angrily at the angel.

He didn't say anything, unsure of whether they are aware he'd finally left his room. He took an unsteady step forward as he tried to will his weakness away. Now was not the time to be weak, now was the time to prove to Cas that he could do this.

"You can't leave, Cas. He needs you!" His brother's voice was low and steady, but it held accusation and anger. Sam was trying to fix this. Even Dean knew that the only person that could fix this was him.

"Watch me!" Cas bellowed in that powerful angel voice that Dean loved so much. He tried to side-step Sam, but Sam just followed, not allowing him to leave, not allowing him to make his hasty retreat. "I came here and accomplished what I originally planned on doing. There is nothing left for me to do. Now move!"

"Cas?" He watched as Cas's body stiffened with tension and Dean had never hated himself more. The tears finally came then, no longer able to hold them back. This is what he's become now, an emotional wreck. Somehow he was okay with that.

Cas slowly turned to face him. His eyes were soft but wary and Dean wanted nothing more than to bundle him up in his arms and just kiss away all their pain, all his pain. Of course, he couldn't do that, he would only be rejected. He fisted his hands at his sides, forcing himself not reach out to him. Cas needed space and that's what he was going to give him. Nothing good could come out of unwanted comfort.

"Please, don't go." He was back to begging again and he was more than okay with that, even if his brother was watching with a shocked expression. Dean Winchester never begged, pleaded or showed any kind of emotion except rage, everyone knew that.

"Dean-"

"No, you can't leave." He could feel the panic swelling up again as he watched Cas become guarded, and sorrowful, even guilty. He was going to leave, no matter what Dean said. "You can't leave. I didn't even get to answer your question. I'm sorry it took me so long, I was just shocked. I thought you'd left and even if I had come up with a scenario where you came back, that would have been the last thing I thought you would have said." He was rambling, he knew it and he really didn't care. He could feel the pounding in his head return, he could feel it spinning out of control. His vision was starting to get dark, Cas and Sam was going in and out of focus. He chose to ignore it, needing to get this out. "Please, Cas. I really did mean it. I promise, no more running."

He watched as Cas took a step forwards. The darkness was starting to close in and he could feel himself swaying on the spot. His body ached from being so weak, his stomach felt empty and he could feel the bile rise up. His breaths started to come fast and short, trying to take back the control he seemed to have lost over his body. He shook his head, needing his vision to return to normal.

His green eyes latched onto blue ones as they widened in shock. Cas was frozen mid-step. No, he didn't shake his head at him to stop his advances. He opened his mouth about to apologize, but paused as the darkness grew. Was he about to pass out? No, he couldn't. What if he does and Cas leaves him again? He wouldn't have a chance to try and stop him.

Dean tried to push the panic away, knowing it was making the darkness close in quicker. He glanced at his brother. This was it, he was about to pass out.

Just before the darkness engulfed him, he saw his brother's eyes widen. He knew what was happening. Years of practice had alerted him to the signs. He watched with slight horror as Sam shoved his way past Cas, knocking him sideways, darting towards him, yelling his name.

His legs gave out then, his knees hitting the hard wood floor. Just before his head hit as well, he felt his brother's large hands cradling him. Then nothing. Just darkness.

-SUPERNATURAL -

It was too much. Everything was too much. He wanted so badly to be out of this vicious cycle that had its claws buried deep inside him. After Dean had collapsed on the floor, Castiel thought his heart had been ripped from his chest as the panic swelled within him. He hadn't realised he was so bad. He really didn't. There he'd been, on the floor, breathing, but unconscious, proof that Dean was in a really bad place. He waited for two days, two days of Sam telling him small reports of Dean's health. He was eating, if you could call it that, a sandwich here and there, not much, not like he use to eat. He'd finally showered, which Sam seemed ecstatic about, might have something to do with the smell, not that Cas noticed. According to Sam, he still wasn't sleeping though, which Cas didn't find all that surprising considering Dean hardly slept anyway.

For two days, while Sam nursed Dean back to health, he waited patiently in the library. There was nothing much for him to do but think, think about every conversation, every touch that had passed between him and Dean, questioning what would have happened if he'd done something different. If he was being totally honest with himself, none of this would have happened if he hadn't let slip that he was in fact in love with him in the first place. But after that… after that, there was so many things he could have done differently, said differently. He'd asked too much of him, that much was obvious. Again, he should be honest with himself again. What if Dean wasn't the only one running? What if Cas was pushing him away? Castiel wasn't the type to do that, but he'd been hurt so many times, he was terrified of it happening again. It's not a feeling he wants to grow accustomed to. Love… Yeah, he'd feel that over and over again. But pain, heartache? No, he could do without that. What if he's the one causing the heartache now? What if this is all his doing?

Late into the evening on the second day, Sam had announced that he was doing a food run and gave Castiel direct orders to not visit Dean because he could do without the added stress. Cas could get behind that, of course he could, Dean's health came first, always did, always would.

However… However, he could feel that pull, the pull that always took him to Dean. He glanced awkwardly towards the bunker exit, where Sam had left only ten minutes ago. He shouldn't do that, he shouldn't go to him. Before he could even protest against it, he was making his way down the corridor and stopping outside of Dean's bedroom. Hesitating, he took in a deep breath. He should leave, he should go back to the library and wait for Sam to return. He tried to weigh up the two options in his mind. If he went back to the library, Dean would stay stress free and Sam wouldn't get angry with him for making him stressed. But if he entered… What would he even say? Goodbye? No, he couldn't, even if he wanted to, that was no longer an option. He wanted to stay, he wanted to be with the man he was deeply in love with. What if Dean doesn't want to? What if, over the past two days, he's come to a decision that this is too much trouble, that he's better off without Castiel? The pain shot through him at that thought. Decision made. It was the cowards way out, he knew that, but still, it was for the best.

Just as he went to turn and leave, the door opened. Castiel's heart started hammering in his chest, his eyes widened and panic took over. The cowards way out wasn't going to happen now. He allowed his eyes to graze over Dean. He looked exhausted, but he had a lot more colour in him now, and he looked a lot fresher. His eyes latched onto Dean's, and Castiel was slightly taken aback by the shock in them.

Castiel knew someone should break the silence and he desperately tried to think of something to say. "You should be resting." He was quite pleased with himself at that statement. It stayed in the safe zone and it was the truth, he should be back in bed, sleeping if that was possible.

"I needed to see..." His voice was barely a whisper, and Castiel needed to strain to hear it.

"See what?"

"To see if Sam was telling the truth." Castiel cocked his head to the side in confusion, narrowing his eyes. The truth about what? He was about to answer when Dean continued, "He told me you were still here."

A warmth spread through his chest, making his head swim with all kinds of emotions. Dean had been thinking about him. He smiled, a teeth showing smile. "Of course. You meant it? No more running?" Dean frowned which made Castiel's smile drop right to his stomach. Had he changed his mind? He started to move backward. The pain shooting through his chest. He couldn't let Dean see this was getting to him, that this was hurting him. "Never mind. Forg-"

Dean had reached out and grabbed his hand, sending a shock of electricity shooting up his arm. He paused, glancing at their joined hands, wondering what this small gesture meant. Why was Dean stopping him from leaving? When his eyes gradually met those amazing green ones, he almost pulled back with wonder. They were filled with hope and confusion. "Stay."

Castiel could only nod his agreement as his mouth dried up. Instinctively, his tongue ran along his bottom lip to wet it as Dean gently pulled him into the bedroom. Castiel quietly closed the door, listening for the soft click. When his eyes met Dean's again, they were still full of hope. He

wanted to so much to lean forward and kiss him, to taste him, to hold him close. He held back, knowing there were a few things he needed to say first, a few things that they both needed to discuss. "I owe you an apology."

Dean looked away, his uneasiness evident. "No, you don't."

"Yes. I shouldn't have left. I made my own promise and I broke it and look what happened." The sadness of the situation swept through him, making him want to cry and sob. Dean was like this because of him and the guilt was slowly consuming him, had been for two days now.

Dean smirked at him and his eyes finally landed on him. "Yeah, okay. I'll let you have that one. You were right, though."

Castiel removed his hand from Dean's, allowing it to drop to his side. He took in the state of the room. Clothes everywhere, bed unmade, dishes and glasses littered the floor. This wasn't like Dean, he'd always had pride in his room, it being the only one he'd really ever had. It was the first place he'd ever called home and now look at it. It was a mess and Castiel hated it, hated that this was what Dean had become. Instead of asking what Dean was on about, he moved past him and started picking up clothes, bundling them in his arms. He could feel Dean's eyes burning through the back of his head, but he paid it no attention, wanting to clean this mess up as quick as possible. He needed things to go back to normal, just a little anyway.

Finally, he picked up the last garment and turned to take them to the laundry hamper. Bur when he turned, Dean was blocking the door, arms folded across his muscled chest, eyes narrowed and lips drawn tightly together. He froze, unsure of how he should proceed. He didn't want to seem like he was trying to make an excuse to leave, he didn't want to send Dean spiralling, not when he was just starting to become himself again.

"You're running." Dean's voice was soft, holding no hostility which was a contradiction to his body language. Castiel tilted his head to the side and processed his words. Was that what he was doing? He didn't think he was. He just wanted to help Dean out. Dean let out a sigh and dropped his arms. "You're afraid, Cas. I get it. I really do. You don't want to hurt any more. But if I'm not allowed to run, then neither are you."

"I'm not running, Dean."

Dean chuckled quietly. "Okay. Before you take my dirty clothes out of here, let me finish what I was saying."

"Saying? About what?"

"About how you were right."

A fresh wave of panic flared within his chest. Dean was right, he was trying to run, run away from whatever was going to come next. That's the real reason he was gathering dirty clothes from the bedroom floor. He needed an escape, an escape he didn't even know he needed until that moment. He gulped audibly as the fear started to make him shake.

"Hey, its okay." Dean had taken the few remaining steps between them and grabbed either side of his face. Castiel froze mid-panic as the heat of those hands comforted him. "It's okay."

He took in a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I'm sorry. I don't know why..."

"I know and its okay. I'm done running, I promise." Cas nodded. "You were right. I was trying to find an excuse to end this. I don't know why, I didn't even realise I was doing it. But after the past two weeks… I never want to feel like that again, ever. I love you, Cas. I am willing to make this work if you are."

Yes! He wanted to scream it, wanted to show him just how much he really did want to. But something was holding him back. Dean let his hands drop as disappointment swept across his features, but he didn't take a step back and Cas was grateful for that. He thought about what Dean had said, thought about how he'd felt over the past couple of weeks, or even months. He'd been hurt so many times. Could he really risk it happening again?

"I want to," he said, cautiously. "But-"

"You don't know if you can risk it," Dean finished for him. He stayed silent, afraid to admit it. "I get it. I really do."

Castiel wanted to apologize, wanted to wrap him up and never let him go. He was going to do just that, but the door banged open and Sam stood in the doorway, an angry glare directed at him. Not Dean. Of course it wouldn't be Dean. Dean was the one who needed help, and besides, he'd specifically told him not to go and see Dean. He slowly wilted under that stare.

Although his eyes stay trained on Sam, he saw Dean turn slowly to face his brother. Castiel waited, he didn't know what he was waiting for, maybe for Sam to pull him from the room, rambling about how Dean needed less stress not more. Or maybe he was waiting for Dean to kick his brother out so they could finish their talk.

It was Sam who spoke first. "Cas, I thought I told you." His voice was eerily quiet, making him shudder uncomfortably. He knew Sam had a point, Dean didn't need any more stress. How was he to explain this to him, to make him understand that he needed to see Dean just as much as Dean needed to see him?

"Sam, you're not my keeper. Leave." Castiel could feel the anger rolling off of him, could feel him holding back the rage that he knew made him want to punch something.

"No. You don't need this." Sam sounded exasperated, as though he'd said this over and over again, a million times if not more.

"It's okay, Dean." He went to sidestep him, but an arm flung out, blocking his path. He froze, eyes wide as he latched his eyes onto Dean. His face was flushed with the boiling rage, the kind of rage he only ever saw when a world ending crisis became too much.

"It's not okay, Cas. He's not our keeper." Dean's eyes never wavered from his brother and Castiel gulped, knowing what was going to come next. The brothers were going to exchange blows, whether that be physically or verbally, that's what was going to happen. "I've tried to tell you over and over again, Sam. The only thing that will make me better is him. We need to have this talk, prolonging it isn't going to help. I need… we both need to know where we stand. If we're to go…" Dean gulped and his face grew sad. "If we're to go our separate ways, then the sooner I know the better."

Sam took a step into the room, his face changing from angry to sorrowful. Casriel stayed silent, unsure of what, or if he should say something. "Dean, you're just starting to get better. What if he decides its not a good idea? You're back to square one. I won't see you like that again."

Castiel felt his face flush with anger. Why was he talking like he wasn't here? "You think I want to?" he bellowed, his voice rumbling through his chest as his pushed past Dean. "You have no idea what you're talking about, so why don't you mind your own business."

Sam's eyes narrowed in on Cas, who didn't flinch. He wasn't afraid of him, and he didn't really care what he thought either. He just wanted him gone. "Oh, don't I? All I know is that you broke my brothers heart. He ended up a broken, depressed man. He wasn't himself. Just a shell. So don't stand there telling me to mind own business when you left me to pick up the pieces you shattered."

"I broke his heart? How about all the other times that you don't know about?" He was angry, so very angry at the way Sam kept looking at him, like he was the enemy. How dare he judge him so quickly, especially when he didn't know the whole story. "That was my last straw and I had no choice to walk out. I was trying to protect myself."

"What?" Sam's face paled and all the fight left him. It didn't make Cas's anger fade, not even a little. He hated how he was feeling, hated how he was always the first person to be perceived as the enemy, he hated these up and down emotions.

Castiel let out a sarcastic chuckle. "That's right. You don't know." He felt and hand on his shoulder, heard the warning call of his name from Dean, but he paid it no attention. "This has been going on long before Dean almost died. That's how long he's broken my heart for. How many times should I let it happen before I've had enough. Tell me, Sam, because I have no idea what the usual protocol for this kind of thing is."

His chest heaved up and down as he fell silent. The anger started to leave him and regret started to fill him. He shouldn't have said any of that. He rubbed a hand down his face and pulled it away quickly. It was wet with tears, tears he hadn't even realised had rolled down his face. He dropped the washing in his arm and started to walk backwards. His brain had gone into shock, he knew that as he stared down at his shaking hands. It had finally become too much for him. All these emotions, emotions that angels shouldn't even be feeling. This should have happened long before now. Perhaps he should feel grateful he's lasted this long.

The back of his legs hit the bed and he sat down heavily, sinking into the mattress. The tears had started to come fast and hot now and he tried desperately to suck in a lungful of air. Is this what people mean when they say emotional overload? Is this what was happening now?

He felt a presence kneel in front of him, but he couldn't focus on them, couldn't focus on anything that wasn't his own pain and exhaustion. Yes, he was so tired of all this, so very tired. Some part of him wanted to forget, forget about Dean and these feelings. Sometimes he wished he was still an angel soldier, when things were so much simpler. But even as he thought that, he didn't really want that. He would never give this up. Not his free will, not his friends and certainly not the feelings for Dean.

"Cas? I'm so sorry." Dean's voice brought him back from his thoughts and he instantly searched out those green eyes, those green eyes that were so full of sadness and guilt that it made Cas's heart ache.

"I- I can't do this any more, Dean. You either want me or you don't."

He closed his eyes, waiting for the end to come. Dean wouldn't be able to stay, he knew that was too much to ask. He would always keep running, that was just who he was and Cas could never ask him to be something he wasn't.

Two strong arms wrapped around his shoulders as he felt the mattress dip beside him. He leant into the embrace, needing the comfort they held. Inhaling, he smelt like soap and a little bit of his natural scent. Dean pulled away but still kept a hold of him. "Look at me."

Castiel reluctantly opened his eyes and caught the determination written on his face, but there was something else there too… Love. Pure love. It took his breath away, literally. "I want you, Cas. So much it hurts. I meant every word. I'm done running. I want you for as long as you'll have me."

He couldn't breath as he took those words in. The more he stared into those eyes, the more he realised Dean really did mean every single word. Pure happiness flooded through his system. He didn't care that Sam was stood there, watching their exchange. He didn't care that they had so much to talk about.

All he cared about was doing what he's wanted to do since leaving two weeks ago. He leant forward and pressed his lips to Dean's.