A/N: I am so very sorry for the late update. I was ill for a week and when your ill you really don't want to do anything, well I don't anyway. The second week I struggled to write this, I couldn't seem to get my head back in the game. It took me a week to write it, I've never taken that long to write a chapter before. After I finished it, life got hectic with work and appointments for the kids, so I struggled to find time to edit it.
Anyway, point is I am really, really sorry and I really, really hope you can forgive me for the excruciating wait. As a way to apologise to you all I have made this chapter longer than what I usually write. I hope you can all forgive me.
So, here it finally is. I hope it was worth the wait.
Chapter 17
Dean couldn't quite believe this was happening. After two weeks of nothing, of no affection, no physical contact, he was finally kissing Cas. And God, didn't it feel amazing? His lips were wet from where he'd been crying, but he didn't care. His tongue slid into his mouth and stroked across Cas's own tongue, gently and lazily. This was a kiss that didn't need to be rushed, this wasn't hunger or passion. This was just pure love and longing.
Cas pulled away too soon, leaving him whimpering for more. When he opened his eyes, he saw the same love he'd felt in that kiss written upon the angels face. He allowed a slow lazy smile to crawl across his face and he stroked the back of his hand down his face, feeling the rough stubble. It itched like mad, but it didn't matter, it felt awesome beneath his skin. Cas smiled in return and it made Dean's heart jump with happiness.
A cough sounded from the other side of the room, making Dean's heart plummet into his stomach. Cas's eyes widened with shock and they both glanced at Sam, who was stood uncomfortably, shuffling from foot to foot, trying to look anywhere but at them. Reluctantly, Dean pulled away from Cas, missing the contact instantly.
"Uh, I'm sorry, Cas. I had no idea." Sam sounded apologetic and the urge to shake him rushed through Dean. He's right, he had no idea and yet again he thought he knew best. When is he ever going to learn?
"It's okay, Sam." Castiel sounded all forgiving. This just infuriated him even more. Why the hell was he always so understanding and so forgiving? If he wasn't then maybe he would have actually put his foot down long before now, stopping Dean from running. Even as he thought it, he hated himself. This wasn't Cas's fault, not even by a long shot. This was all on him. There was no one to blame but him.
Dean stood and started to pace. He could feel the two sets of eyes on him, burning through him, watching him warily. The anger was surging its way through his veins, setting him on fire and he needed to release this pent up energy.
"Dean?" Cas sounded concerned and yet again a new wave of rage washed through him, causing the flames within to spread.
He stopped pacing and faced both his brother and… his angel. "This is not okay. None of this okay. Sam needs to learn to stop interfering in what doesn't concern him. And you… you need to stop being so understanding and forgiving all the time."
Cas stood and eyed him with confusion. "Are you saying I shouldn't forgive Sam? Because he didn't know."
"No. I'm not saying that. I'm saying, time and time again you forgive us… me. You forgive me when you really shouldn't."
Dean closed his eyes, willing this burning fire to just go away. When he opened them again and caught Cas's eyes, he sucked in a sharp breath at the sorrow that now filled them. He forced himself to look away as he felt the anger start to subside. His thoughts ran back to the kiss they'd just shared. He thought about the love and longing they'd both poured into it. And what was he doing now? Causing another problem, that's what. He was allowing his self-destructive side to come to the surface. He was starting to sabotage his one chance to make this right. Again, he closed his eyes and took in a couple of steadying breaths. He wasn't going to do this again. He wasn't going to ruin it this time. He couldn't.
"Dean?" That gruff voice sent a very awakening shock through his lower abdomen. His eyes sprang open and they caught Cas's again. He was looking concerned and panicked. The sight of it sent Dean spiralling into self-hatred. This is what he'd done to him. He'd made him fearful that at any given moment he was going to run… again.
He swallowed past the lump in his throat, gulping audibly. He chose to ignore Cas for the moment. His brother was still in the room, he needed to be dealt with first. He turned to face him, who was still stood in the doorway, looking just as concerned as Cas. He wanted his brother to disappear, to leave them alone. He can't do this, not in front of him. It was one thing being vulnerable and open towards Cas, but it was something completely different when there was an audience.
Sam could read Dean better than any one else and he instantly understood, the concern washing away as he nodded once. Without saying anything else, he finally left, closing the door softly behind him. For a few moments Dean stood motionless, staring at the solid wood, unsure of what should happen next.
He felt a hand grip his shoulder, the heat surged through his t-shirt and onto his sensitive skin. He gasped at the contact and slowly turned to face his angel, who had his head tilted, confusion now evident in those eyes.
It was now or never. He needed to be so completely honest with him, more so than he'd ever been with anyone ever. He could feel his heart beating nervously in his chest, could feel his breaths coming in short and fast, could feel the sweat gathering on his forehead. So many things could go wrong, so many doubts played around in his mind. He was about to open himself up to be hurt and it just didn't sit right with him. This wasn't who he was. He didn't tell the truth, didn't put his emotions on display. He hid behind huge, thick, solid walls. It was safer there. Less risk. He'd never even opened up to Sam, not completely. Sure he'd be honest every once in a while, just enough to satisfy his brother, but that was it. So this was huge. If he could barely open up to his brother, how the hell was he suppose to be like that with Cas?
This had to happen though. For Cas. For himself. For them. He just had to ask himself one question. What was worse? Being that broken man that he'd been for the past two weeks? Or putting himself out there?
He ran a hand down his face, trying to scrub away the sudden tiredness that had overtaken him. He couldn't remember when he'd last slept and with all this emotional turmoil rolling around his head, he felt like he was ready to collapse.
"Okay, here it goes." Cas narrowed in his eyes as if he was trying to work out a very difficult puzzle. "I really did mean what I said, Cas. I'm done running." Cas looked at him sceptically, unsure of where Dean was going with this. "That's why I need to be honest with you."
He watched as if everything that happened next was in slow motion. Cas took a step backwards, his arm dropping from Dean's shoulder to his side. Pain was scrunched up in his features and Dean knew he was trying to hold back the full force of his hurt. Dean's heart broke at the sight. He wanted to back peddle what he'd just said, perhaps not say anything at all, but he couldn't, he had to remind himself why he was doing this.
Dean took in a shaky breath and rushed his words out before he lost the nerve to say them at all. "I'm scared. Terrified, actually. I love you so damn much and it scares me."
Cas's eyes softened at that statement. "Why?" His voice was just as soft and Dean watched his pain turn to uncertainty, unsure still of where Dean was going with this.
"Because…. Because it means that you're the only person in the entire universe that has the capability to completely and utterly destroy me, Cas."
He watched Cas with wariness. Cas's eyes grew wide and his mouth hung slack. If it had been any other situation, Dean would have laughed at the look. But as it was, this was serious and he'd just bared his deepest, darkest fear. He'd never put himself out there like that before and he was so unsure of how Cas would respond. He shuffled nervously from foot to foot, darting his eyes down to the floor, panic slowly made its way through his system. Had he just made the biggest mistake of his life? Should he have kept his mouth shut?
He was just about to to open his mouth, tell the angel that it didn't matter, forget he'd said anything. Before he could, a firm hand gripped his chin and tilted his head upwards, forcing him to meet his eyes. Cas was looking at him with so much adoration that it took Dean's breath away, his mouth was tilted in a small, shy smile. Dean held his breath, waiting for what Cas was about say. It couldn't be that bad, surely, not if he he was looking at him like that. While Dean was trying to convince himself of that, Cas's soft but rough voice pierced through his thoughts.
"The same goes to you, Dean."
Shock coursed through his veins and his mouth fell open as the words swirled through his mind. Was he serious? Of course he was. Cas wouldn't joke about something like this, Dean didn't even think he could joke about anything like this.
"Really? Aren't you, like, scared of it?" He kept his voice soft and wary, unsure if he actually wanted the answer.
"Terrified. You've almost done it. You've almost destroyed me, Dean. If I stick around and then you run again… I don't think… I don't know if..."
Cas dropped his eyes to the floor, the smile fell and his brows furrowed together. Dean's heart constricted painfully. He knew what he was trying to say, because he felt the same way. They would have to be in this together, because if Dean walked away now he didn't think he could survive it. "I'm done running."
He listened to Cas inhale a shaky breath, his eyes slowly latched onto his. Dean wanted to scream at the look in his eyes, the sadness and the pain was so clear, it had no place being there, not when Dean was offering to be in this with him, not when he was putting himself out there for all to see. Doubt clawed its way forward. Had he finally done irreversible damage? Is this finally the moment that he would tell him to stick it, that he's had enough? Dean gulped past the lump in his throat, praying silently that this was not going to be the end, that he could actually fix this.
"Dean," Cas sighed, and Dean hated the way he said his name more than he'd ever hated anything. He took a step back from him, giving himself a moment to breath, to gather all his strength for the final blow. Cas looked upon him with caution, nibbling his bottom lip, probably trying to figure out how to phrase what he was going to say next. "You… You have to be one hundred per cent sure that this is really what you want. You have to be one hundred per cent sure that you will not run again because I can't keep doing this. It confuses me, frightens me and pains me all at the same time. So you really need to be positive that you can do this."
The doubt and pain evaporated from his heart, only for it to swell with joy and happiness. But he was also very mindful of what Cas was doing. Yet again he was being selfless, he was putting Dean first, allowing him to have an out, allowing him to go back on what he'd said. He was allowing Dean to walk away if that was what he truly wanted.
Dean allowed a small smile to play at his lips. He took a step towards Cas, who was still looking at him warily. He placed both his hands on Cas's face, cupping it in his palms, feeling the scratchy stubble against his skin. He looked hard into those amazing blue eyes, determination set within. He had to be honest about his feelings. For once in his miserable life he had to be honest with the one person that mattered to him most.
"I can't live without you, Cas. There's no two ways about it. When I said I was done running, I meant it. I love you. I love you so much that it physically hurts. I need you and I need to try and make this work. Not just for me or just for you, but for us. I need there to be an us."
He waited for Cas's response. Cas had been quiet for too long and he wanted to shake the man, yell at him to say something, but somehow he managed to keep himself in check and just waited. Finally, Cas moved his hands up and gripped his hands with them, slowly removing them from his face. For a beat, Dean thought he was rejecting him, about to throw his hands away. But he kept a firm grip on them, squeezing slightly, as if he was terrified of losing this moment. And, God, did he look terrified.
"I need there to be an us, too." It was barely a whisper, but Dean had heard it and his heart somersaulted in his chest.
Dean smiled, a teeth baring smile, full of so much joy that he was just about ready to bounce around the room, screaming just how happy he was. Instead he leant forward and gently placed his lips upon Cas's soft ones. For a moment, he thought fireworks had gone off between them as that delicious electricity shot through him, right down to his groin. He fluttered his eyes closed, basking in the feel of the angel against him. When he heard Cas hum from deep within his throat, he couldn't hold back any more. He pressed his mouth harder against Cas's, trying to deepen the kiss. But Cas pulled away, a small smile playing at his lips. Dean frowned with confusion, not understanding why he would pull away just as things were about to get interesting.
"I can't, Dean. Not yet. I'm..." Cas dropped his eyes to his chest, his smile dropping again and a frown marring his forehead. Dean understood. He needed to be sure Dean wasn't going to run again before they go there again.
"I'm exhausted. I should sleep. Will you, uh, you know? Come lie with me?"
Cas shot his eyes to Dean's again, plain shock expressed in them. Slowly he nodded. With shaky hands, Dean slowly started to remove Cas's trench coat, keeping his eyes fixed on his face, waiting for signs of reluctance. Cas soon got with the programme, kicking his shoes off. Once his tie was removed, Dean gripped his hand and tugged him gently towards the bed.
Once they were both under the covers, both lying on their sides, facing each other, Dean felt the exhaustion slowly taking over. He didn't want to sleep, he didn't want to let his guard down. Fear gripped his heart. What if he slept and Cas was gone when he woke up? Cas didn't need to sleep, so what if he led there the entire time thinking? What if he came to the conclusion that this was too much? What if he changed his mind?
A warm hand on his cheek brought him out of his thoughts, brought his eyes back into focus. His breathing picked up as the fear started to consume him. "Sleep, Dean. I'll be here when you wake up." Cas's voice was soft and gentle, just a brush of air and it instantly settled the fears, putting him at ease.
He draped an arm across Cas's body, pulling him in closer, needing to be close to him, needing to feel this connection. Cas leaned in, placing a closed lip kiss onto his mouth and Dean hummed with contentment. "Sleep."
Dean didn't need to be told twice. The darkness closed in and then he was gone, drifting to the land of sleep as he felt Cas's breath ghost across his face.
- SUPERNATURAL -
How long had it been? Four, five hours? Dean looked so peaceful, more peaceful than he'd ever seen him in sleep before. His heart swelled at the sight, knowing that Cas had something to do with his contentment.
His thoughts swirled around his head as his eyes roamed across his still face. Doubts plagued him. What if Dean runs again? How would he cope? He didn't think he could survive it. But Dean had said he was done running, had said he was positive with his decision. The only way he would know if Dean was uttering the truth would be for him to take a leap of faith. For an angel that should be relatively easy, it was anything but. He wanted to, he really did. He really wanted to give in and allow himself this little slice of happiness. His fears were holding him back. He couldn't go back to being broken hearted, he couldn't go back to feeling that pain.
He'd dealt with all kinds of pain over the years, torture being at the top of the list. But the pain he'd felt at the rejection from Dean was something he just couldn't comprehend. He knew he loved Dean, that wasn't what was in question. Why did it hurt so much? He tried to imagine what Dean would say if he'd asked him and he knew exactly why it hurt. Love and pain bore a very thin line. They kind of go hand in hand.
For the past two weeks he'd been trying to figure out what this meant, what it all meant. Dean was the only person in the entire universe who could destroy him. Angels, demons and monsters could do that too, but it would be a different kind of destroy, the worst they could do would be kill him. The way he'd been feeling after Dean pushed him away, to be killed would be nothing compared to that pain. In a way he kind of wished something would kill him, just so he could get a relief.
Dean had bared his heart out now, admitting that Cas could destroy him. Dean had come to the same conclusion Cas had. That should be enough to hope. But he couldn't hope, he couldn't put himself in that position again. Dean had been right in saying he was running, too. He hadn't even realised he was doing it. How can he ask Dean not to do that if he was doing it as well?
A huge part of him wanted to uncurl himself from the man lying next to him, he wanted to exit the bunker and just breath in fresh air, wanting the distance to allow himself time to think. A smaller, more insistent part of him told him that it was a bad idea, that Dean would panic when he awoke, would fear the worst, his heart breaking. He couldn't do that to him, he couldn't allow him to feel the same pain he'd been feeling over and over again.
"You're still here." Cas jumped at the sound of his deep voice as it penetrated through his thoughts.
Forcing a smile, he knew what he had to do, what he had to say. "Of course." It should have been that obvious. He'd said he would be there when he awoke, but he knew, deep down, that wasn't actually the case. There was a very high possibility of him flying off and not looking back. The deepened frown upon Dean's face showed just how much that was a possibility. As always, he saw right through his smile, right through his positive, confident answer. He tried to think of a way to elaborate, tried to think of a way to explain what he'd been thinking all night, but nothing came to mind, nothing that wouldn't upset the man before him.
Dean sighed, closing his eyes and Cas found himself wondering what he was thinking. Would he be careless enough to ask the dreaded questions. He hoped not. He hoped that he would just let it be. Instead of questions, Cas was shocked by what the hunter said next. Still with his eyes closed, as though he was afraid to look Cas in the eye as he whispered his, "I'm sorry."
"Dean." He didn't know what he was going to say, he didn't know how he wanted that one word word to sound. But it sounded like a warning, like he didn't want Dean to go there. Of course he didn't want that. He wanted to just lie there, enjoying these precious moments he got to spend with the only person he ever loved. He didn't know how long it would be till he would be forced to leave again, and he just wanted to savour every moment, every look, every touch.
Dean's eyes sprang open, determination set. Cas gulped, hoping that Dean would get the message. But of course, he didn't. Once he got something in his head, he refused to let it go. That was just one of the many qualities that he loved about the man. Reaching up, Dean cupped his face. His hand was warm and Cas found himself leaning ever so gently into the touch, needing the comfort of it. But somehow he seemed to crave so much more. This closeness wasn't enough, it would never be enough.
"I'm so sorry, Cas, for doing this to us. But I promise you, right here, right now, I will prove to you just how much I want this, want you. I don't care how long it will take. I will spend the rest of my life proving it to you."
Cas had never felt such strong emotions bubble inside him, pulling at his heart, filling him with such warmth. As he stared into those determined green eyes, he knew just how serious Dean was. He really meant everything he'd said. "I think we were both to blame."
He watched with fascination as anger overtook the determination. Why would that make him angry? Confusion swelled within and he was about to open his mouth to ask what the matter was when Dean jumped out of his bed and started to pace the length of it. Cas watched him with wary eyes as he leant up onto one elbow, unsure if he should say anything to comfort the man. But what could he say? He didn't even know what he'd done. Another thought popped into his head. What if he was about to run again? He couldn't feel that rejection again. Quickly, before Dean could say anything, he put his walls back up, forcing his face to go slack with impassiveness. His main priority was to protect his heart.
Dean stopped pacing and swung around, anger still evident in his eyes. "Why do you always do that? None of this is your fault. None of it. Yet for some strange fucking reason, you feel the need to share the blame. The only person to blame is me and me only. So don't you fucking start blaming yourself, do you hear me? If I hear you talk like that again I'll string you up by your fucking wings. Understand?"
Cas melted at his words, he couldn't help it. Dean wasn't pushing him away. Slowly and cautiously, Cas climbed off the bed, not taking his eyes off Dean as he went, partly afraid he'd have another explosion, partly afraid of what he was going to do next. Once he was toe to toe with the man, he carefully slid his arm around Dean's neck and pulled him in. Dean didn't fight him, didn't try to push him away. Instead he went easily, leaning his forehead on his shoulder, wrapping both arms around his waist.
"It doesn't matter who's to blame, Dean. What matters is we're both here and we're both willing to work on this. At least… I hope we both are."
Dean pulled back just enough to catch his eyes and Cas could feel his heart pick up speed, could feel the nervousness seep into his veins, making him shake slightly. "I love you, you know that, right?"
Cas felt his heart stop altogether. It's not like Dean hadn't said it before because he had. It was the fact that Dean was making sure he knew, that he understood just how much damage he'd done. It was enough to have Cas doubting his feelings, or that's what Dean thought. "I've never doubted that. Not once. I know you love me. That's never been in question." Dean let out breath of relief and smiled, a very elated smile. "I love you, as well."
If it was possible, Dean's smile grew wider. "Good. Now, I'm not ready to join the waking world yet. So how about we climb back into bed."
Dean didn't wait for a response, instead he pulled Cas back to the bed and they both climbed under the covers. Wrapping his arms around him, Dean pulled him to his chest as they both led on their sides. Cas snuggled closer and breathed in Dean's unique scent.
Not once in his entire existence had he ever felt like this. This was a completely new feeling to him, one he was very easy to label with a majority of different names.
Happy. Joy. Ecstatic. Peaceful. Content. That was just to name a few.
- SUPERNATURAL -
Dean awoke a couple of hours later, his heart immediately plummeted to his stomach as he felt the empty space next to him. It was still warm to touch which meant it hadn't been long since Cas had left. He kept his eyes shut as he tried to will the hurt away. He knew it had been too good to be true. He knew Cas would change his mind eventually. He'd hurt him too many times, they weren't simply going to get past this as quickly as he'd hoped. A huge part of him doubted they'd ever get past it. There would always be that underlying fear swimming between them. Cas doesn't trust him not to run again and Dean doesn't trust that Cas wouldn't come to his senses.
The bed dipped next to him and he sprang his eyes open. His heart stopped beating and his breath hitched in his throat as he caught the sight of the man sitting next to him. He hadn't left. Dean didn't know whether to be happy or terrified of that. Cas offered him a small, sad smile and Dean couldn't help but think Cas was going to give him the final blow, the one that would finally kill him. He waited, not daring to breath, not daring to move an inch, not wanting to scare him away.
"I'm not leaving, Dean." Dean could see the determination in his crystal blue eyes and he so wanted to believe that. But eventually it would happen. He would come to realise that he'd be better off without him and when that day came, Dean didn't think he would stop him.
He smiled across at him, the smile that was just as sad as Cas's. This wasn't going to be an easy fix. They weren't just going to get past this. They didn't trust each other any more. Dean may be new to relationships, but he knew that one of the things that made them work was trust. If they didn't have trust, then they had nothing.
"Do you trust me, Cas?" He needed to know. He trusted Cas, even if he did leave him. He knew he would do it for good reason and Dean could understand that. He knew that he could get past his trust issues, but could Cas get past his?
Cas's smile faltered at the question and his eyes grew sad. "With my life." Yes, Dean knew that. They could fight back to back and he knew Cas trusted him to have his back, trusted him to protect him, that he would do anything to save him.
"What about with your heart?" He couldn't help the nervousness in his voice. He needed to know how far Cas's mistrust went, how deep it ran. Cas opened his mouth to answer but Dean held his hand up to stop him. He could see it in his eyes what he was going to say, it would be a lie, and he couldn't have that. He sat up so he was face to face with angel. "I need you to be honest."
He watched Cas gulp. "I want to."
Dean tried to ignore the ache in his chest, tried to put it to the back of his mind. He needed to put Cas first, needed to understand just how much damage he'd done. He knew it was a lot, he could see it in the way the pain shone from his eyes, the way it was set in his drawn down mouth. He was still hurting. "Do you think you'll ever be able to?"
Cas shifted uncomfortably on the bed, his eyes darting around the room and Dean could tell he was fighting the urge to lie. "I… I don't know."
The dull ache in his chest punched painfully through his heart. He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, he wanted to tear his way out of the room and drink himself into oblivion. How he managed to refrain himself, he would never know. His vision started to blur with tears and he knew what he needed to say. He dropped his eyes to the bed, trying to figure out how he was going to phrase it, but there was no easy way to say it, so he'd just have to grab the bull by the horns and plough forward. He caught Cas's eyes again, they were concerned and unsure of where Dean was going with this.
Dean took in a deep breath. "I want you. I need you. I love you. But-"
Cas stood abruptly, backing away, his eyes growing hard and Dean knew what he was doing. He was putting a wall around himself because he could sense what he was going to say. The sight of it broke his heart. He hated himself more than anything, right there and then.
He moved to the edge of the bed, waiting to see if Cas was going to say something. When it became obvious he wasn't, Dean carried on. "But, this isn't going to work."
"Why?" He flinched at the hardness in the angel's voice. Dean wanted nothing more in that moment to tear his own heart out.
He stood but didn't make his way towards Cas, knowing it would be pointless to even try. "You don't trust me and everyone knows that the key to a successful relationship is trust. If we don't have that we have no chance of surviving."
Cas tilted his head to the side and narrowed in his eyes. "Did you really think I would trust you with my heart after everything?" Dean opened his mouth to answer but didn't get a chance as Cas carried on, his voice rising with each word. "I want to trust you with it. How am I suppose to start healing that trust when you say stuff like this? When you keep pushing me away? I'm sick of this. I'm sick of this feeling. I can't take this any more. Fine. You think it won't work, that's fine. I'll leave. I've been expecting it anyway, so don't worry about hurting me. It doesn't."
Cas turned to leave but Dean reached out and gripped his trench coat sleeve in his fist with a blind panic. Cas froze but didn't turn. "Don't leave, please."
A sigh escaped those beautiful parched lips and Cas turned slowly. "Why should I stay? This is all its going to be. You ending it, then begging me to stay, then pushing me away again. I'm not willing to live like that. Not any more. I had thought we'd gotten past this, but clearly only I have."
Dean bowed his head with shame. Cas was right. He was pushing him away again out of fear. No more. He wasn't going to do this again, not to Cas, not to him, not to them. With one fluid motion he pushed Cas up against the door, determination set in his movement. Cas let out surprised gasp as his body made contact with the wood. Dean pressed in close, his breath ghosting over his skin. Cas's blue eyes were wide and curious.
Dean didn't know what to say, didn't know how to express what he was thinking, so he did the only thing he could think of. He closed the gap between them, pressing his mouth to Cas's dry lips. Dean moaned into it, trying to show just how much he needed him, how much he loved him, how much he was sorry… again. He pressed his tongue against the slit of his lips, trying to gain access. That's when he realised, Cas wasn't moving, he wasn't kissing back. Pain shot through his chest once more. Was he being rejected?
He pulled back, closing his eyes. He couldn't see rejection in those warm eyes, he couldn't see it, it would break him, seeing it for himself.
Cas's voice startled him enough to open them. He didn't see rejection like he thought he would. There was no relief at that though, because instead he saw just more sadness and more pain and more heart break. "You can't kiss me and expect everything to be fine. Tell me what's going on, Dean."
It really scared him the way Cas was so in tune with him sometimes. He took in a deep breath. He hated voicing his thoughts, hated voicing his feelings, but Cas was pleading with his puppy dog eyes. If he was to gain Cas's trust again, he had to start with being honest and open with him.
"I… I thought you had come to your senses and..."
Realisation replaced the sadness. "You had thought I'd left." Dean nodded. "You were pushing me away before I could end it," Another nod. "Dean, you are so infuriating."
Dean couldn't help but laugh at the exasperated tone in his voice. It died quickly though as he caught sight of Cas's unamused face. He coughed slightly, trying to cover it. "I'm sorry."
Cas sighed and pulled him back towards him, making their bodies flush once more. Dean's heart picked up speed and he couldn't help the crooked smile grace his lips. "Promise me something."
"Anything, Cas," he whispered.
"When you next feel the need to run, to push me away because you're scared, you'll tell me. You need to try and get past all this. So promise me. If you don't want to tell me, then tell Sam at least."
Dean felt his heart explode with joy. He wasn't going to leave, he was still willing to work things out. "I promise." He would keep it as well. Cas was right, he needed to move past this fear.
Cas smiled, pressing his lips to Dean's. Dean pressed back gently, humming with contentment. All too soon, though, Cas pulled back, his smile still in place. "I think you should eat something."
Dean smiled a teeth showing smile, his happiness plastered for everyone to see. "Breakfast sounds like a good plan."
This was going to be hard work. Dean had the most work to do he figured, but he didn't care, as long as he had Cas in his life. Cas dragged him out of his room and down the corridor. They passed Sam who smiled at their smiles. Things could only get better from here, right?
A/N: Please tell me what you think. Your opinions mean the world to me. So review and tell me what they are, or you can just write to me and tell me you forgive me for the long wait at least. You can't see me but I am giving you all the puppy dog look right now, and I am praying you will all succumb to it.
Thank you all for reading and being really patient, that means a lot to me, too.
