I must have deleted and restarted this chapter three times. I couldn't convince myself that it was good enough for you guys, but Sazzledazzled and Edwardsfirstkiss have deemed it worthy. I trust them so here it is. *bites what's left of my nails and hits *publish*.
Much love to Sazzledazzled and Edwardsfirstkiss for pre-reading and editing this mess. They both deserve gold medals but it appears I'm fresh out. Instead I give them my undying gratitude.
SM owns Twilight but Devilward and his minions are mine. *laughs evilly while creepily rubbing hands together.*
The Devil's Plan
Chapter 21
Choices Made
"Can I get you anything to drink or eat?" Edward asked, as he took Bella's coat to hang up in the hall closet. Bella shook her head 'no': and held out her hand for his. Even with the weight of what he was about to tell her weighing on his mind, he couldn't help but smile as he felt her warmth surround him.
"All I want is you." She didn't mean for her words to come out so overtly sexual but then again, it wasn't a lie. His presence had rapidly become an anchor in her life, tethering her to the ground when visions of her dreams threatened to pull her under. Edward's green eyes flashed quickly with what she hoped was a shared feeling. She wanted to be everything to him too.
"You have me." He promised with a small smile. Without another word, he proceeded to walk her into the three season porch off the kitchen. Bella frowned as she realized this was the same room where he'd first told her about that woman. She understood it was Edward's story and he must feel comfortable in order to speak to her about it, but being back in the same room where he'd told her about his torrid affair with an older woman, made her anxious all the same.
Edward tugged her hand gently and guided her to sit beside him on the settee. It had begun to snow on her drive over and from the glass encased room there was nothing to obscure the view of the white flakes as they fell to the ground.
"It's kind of beautiful isn't it?" He asked staring out onto the yard and the woods beyond. The falling snow wasn't thick enough to cover the lush lushness of the evergreen trees but she had to admit the contrast of the white over the green was beautiful.
"It is." She agreed. The silence stretched between them as they continued to watch the flakes fall.
"I like watching the snow fall. I find it soothing somehow. It's as if the snow covers all the faults in the world. For instance, you can't tell that Kodi went on a puppy rampage the other day and dug up a bunch of mom's flowers leaving puppy sized holes all along the fence line." Edward pointed out into the yard, where indeed the snow had covered the evidence of the chubby little guy's crime. "I think that the snow makes everything fresh and pure again. Even if it's only for a little while." Edward's voice fell off and Bella watched him close his eyes as he took several deep breaths. She realized that he was hoping the snow would somehow cover up his perceived crimes as well. She wanted to rush to his defense and make him admit that he was a victim and had no wrongdoings to cover up, instead she wisely kept silent, knowing that he needed to come to that realization himself.
Finally, Edward broke the silence. "I didn't tell you all of my story." Bella nodded, remembering that night he'd said he wasn't ready to tell her the rest.
"I'm guessing that the rest isn't very good?" She asked quietly, her eyes dark with sympathy.
"Good? No. It's not good. It's horrible and I feel as though part of my soul is eternally blackened because of it." His statement shocked Bella.
"Edward, no matter what you're about to tell me, you're a good person and your soul is not in jeopardy. She assured him with a squeeze of his hand. He looked up at her, his eyes dark with what she could only guess was guilt and despair.
"Do you really believe that?" He asked in a quiet voice.
Bella leaned forward and planted a soft kiss on his temple. "Yes. I really believe that." She whispered, leaning her head into his shoulder, hoping he could feel her sincerity through her heated skin.
Edward took several deep breaths, attempting to bolster his courage before beginning his tale.
"No one knew about the affair. I mean, we didn't slip up with our text messaging or were seen together in compromising positions. No one knew anything. Not mom, dad, Emmett…And then suddenly she called me and told me it was over. I was devastated." Bella mashed her lips together in an effort to not interrupt to tell him Tanya was good riddance to bad garbage.
"I pleaded with her to not do it. To not throw me away. I loved her, or at least I thought it was love," he said, pausing to take a deep breathe which he let out slowly and deliberately. Bella recognized it as what some people would call a calming breathe. In Edward's case it was the calm before the storm.
"I cried, I yelled…nothing would change her mind. She was so cold. The way she did it. She broke my heart with three words, 'I'm done, Edward.' Three words delivered in the coldest voice I'd ever heard anyone use. And then I heard nothing more from her. I stopped eating. I wasn't sleeping. I was like a zombie just going through the motions of living for almost two months before the bottom fell out." Bella sensed from the sudden rigidness of his body that the secret was about to be spilled. She reached out and took his other hand, encasing both of his cold limbs in her warmth. He kept his eyes down and away from her but he squeezed her hand in appreciation.
"My dad was on duty the night she came in to the ER." Edward paused to take a deep breath. Bella could practically feel the anxiety flow through his body as he drudged up the memories.
"When the nurses recognized her name, they called her husband, but he was in surgery so they called dad. He told me that she was barely conscious. Her skin was ice cold but she had a high fever and was vomiting. My dad diagnosed her with sepsis and immediately called for Marcus, but he wouldn't return my dad's page. They were able to get her stabilized and then started to look for the cause of her sickness. After examining her they found the cause, an infection." Edward paused to take another deep breath. After exhaling, he looked deep into Bella's eyes. "She'd had an abortion," Edward said, his voice shaking with emotion. "she aborted my baby before I even knew it existed!"
The sound of Bella's gasp echoed in the glass encased room but was quickly overtaken by Edward's sobs. Bella thought back to the timeline of the affair and quickly did the math in her head. "This would have been your baby's first Christmas." She said in a whisper. Edward nodded silently as he bent over in grief. Bella quickly moved to embrace him, putting her arms around his shaking body and laying her head on his back.
"I knew something was wrong that day," she said as tears rolled from her eyes onto his t-shirt. Her thoughts were muddled as she tried to wrap her head around the thought that the boy sobbing in her arms was almost a teen father. Bella's body trembled with feelings of profound compassion and concern for Edward as they warred with feelings of disgust and loathing for Tanya.
They continued in this manner for several minutes. Finally, Edward pulled away from her. She mirrored his motion as he wiped the tears from his face.
"What a mess right?" He asked with a sad smile that Bella immediately returned.
"I'm so sorry you went through that. It must have been horrible."
"It was but then it got worse." He turned to stare out the window, noticing that the snow had begun to slow down. By morning there would be hardly any evidence of its existence. The warmer daytime temperatures would erase the snow's pristine beauty, leaving ugly grey slush in its place, he thought absently.
"Worse? How?" Bella asked, turning his attention back to her.
"After word got around the hospital that the chief's wife was in the ER from a botched abortion, things kind of snowballed from there. Marcus finally came to the ER, where my dad was still overseeing Tanya's care. He was obviously worried, but when he saw the chart, he started screaming obscenities, calling her a whore and all kinds of terrible names. My dad tried to calm him, but Marcus was livid. Evidently, he'd had a vasectomy after Alec was born. He knew the baby she'd aborted wasn't his. He stormed out of the ER proclaiming to everyone that she'd better hope her lover was going to take her in because she wasn't his problem anymore. I remember my dad coming home that night and talking to my mom in his office. I was still barely existing after Tanya dumped me so I didn't even bother to ask what was wrong. I was so tied up in my own problems…The next night dad and mom called Emmett and me into his office. They explained that Tanya was very sick and was going to be staying with us while she recuperated. They didn't tell us what was wrong with her and I didn't ask. I was caught up in thinking that her being stuck in the house would give me the chance to win her back. I would take care of her and she would fall back in love with me." Edward paused and looked at Bella. "Pathetic. Right?"
"No, I think that just shows how passionate you were about her." Bella said sincerely, looking him straight in the eyes. Their gaze held for several moments until Edward's lips turned upward into a small smile.
"Anyway," he said, breaking their connection. "I went to school that next day with a smile on my face. In my head I was planning to stop at the grocery store and pick up all of her favorite snacks and a few movies that she could watch while she recovered. And I did just that three days later when dad said she was coming home. I even grabbed one of those flower bouquets they always have at the checkout. Because of my stop, I was late coming home. Mom and dad were already home with Tanya. I quickly put the snacks onto a tray with the movies and put the flowers into a vase and began walking up to her room. I wasn't concerned with what my parents would think about the tray full of goodies I was carrying, they've always preached to us kids to be gracious hosts and to go the extra mile for guests. They would just think I was being a good host to a dear family friend. I could hear mom and dad talking in the office as I passed them on my way up to the guest room, so I picked up my pace hoping they would stay there and give me time to talk to her." Edward got up from the couch, Bella felt his absence as he moved to stand in front of her.
He looked nervously around the room before settling his gaze back on Bella. "I walked into the room and almost vomited on my mom's wool carpet. Tanya looked absolutely awful. She was so pale, that her skin had a blue hue to it from her veins being so prominent. I guess from the dehydration." He added quietly. "Her eyes were blood shot and were rimmed with dark circles. Even her hair looked unhealthy. I've never seen someone look so close to death yet, still be breathing." Bella looked on as Edward's expression changed; he had a haunted, faraway look in his eyes. She guessed that his memories were taking him deeper into the past and the hurt that still dwelled there.
"She was asleep but moving erratically as if her extremities were being poked with hot pokers. I rushed over to her, reaching down and put a hand on her shoulder. I guess it startled her, because she woke up with a start. Bella," he said in a low voice. "When she saw me, I'd never seen a person's eyes look so dead. There was absolutely no light in her eyes. I reached out to comfort her, but as soon as I touched her she moved away from me and began yelling," he whispered with profound sadness. Bella wanted to go to him but worried that he needed to get through the rest of the story without distraction. Instead, she settled onto the settee and swiped at the tears slowly running down her cheeks.
Edward's shoulders bowed as he leaned heavily into the window. "Do you want to guess what she was screaming?" He asked, not waiting to her my answer before answering his own question. "She started yelling hysterically that it was all my fault and I'd ruined her life. I didn't know what to do. I tried to calm her down. I told her that I loved her and that just made things worse. Before I could do anything, my parents burst into the room to find Tanya screaming that it was all my fault and that I had ruined her life and me saying that I loved her. I couldn't have chosen a worse way for them to find out about our relationship. Before I could process what exactly was going on, heard my mom exclaim, 'It was Edward?!' Mom's exclamation startled us and we both turned to see my parents standing at the door.
My dad demanded an explanation, Tanya stopped yelling at me and started sobbing again. Mom was screaming at Tanya, asking her how she could have done that to me, how she could have done that to her family and then she started saying that Tanya was a child abuser. Tanya's sobs got louder and before we knew what was going on, mom launched herself at Tanya. I threw myself between them, pleading for them to understand that we were in love. But my words only seemed to enrage mom and she fought harder to get to Tanya. Dad was finally able to pull her back but not before her nails found my face. My yelp of pain stopped my mother's attack. She pulled me into her arms, telling me how sorry she was and that Tanya would pay for what she had done to me, I pulled away from her and defended Tanya's and my relationship, which made things worse. My dad got a hold of mom, who was now sobbing and ordered me from the room. I of course was defiant and determined to defend the woman I loved. At least I was until Tanya yelled at me to leave her alone as she pushed me away. I was dumbfounded. I couldn't understand why she was rejecting me. My parents knew about us, the hard part was over. I stupidly tried to reason with her but she ignored me.
Tanya turned her back to me, refusing to even look at me. Dad told me to leave again and I did. I left the room in a haze of rejection and frustration. I went to my room and sat down on the edge of my bed, I felt so lost. I don't know how long I sat there, just staring at the carpet and feeling sorry for myself. I guess my dad must have shut the door to the guest room because everything was muffled for what seemed like forever until my parents came out and started down the stairs. I could hear the sounds of mom's sobbing and dad trying to comfort her as they walked down the hallway. I don't know how long I sat there it must have been several hours because when my dad came into my room it was much darker than it had been when I'd first come in." Edward stopped and turned towards the couch, catching Bella's eyes. They were rimmed red with held back emotion and pain. It made Bella ache for him even more.
"If you would have seen my dad's face…I've never seen him look like that…he looked as if he didn't even recognize me. To his credit he didn't yell, not at first. He just asked these obligatory questions, how, why, when and then he wanted to know if I understood what I'd done. I guess my silence wasn't the answer he was looking for because he then got in my face and asked if I understood how my selfish actions had just torn a family apart and nearly killed Tanya. I tried to tell him that we were in love and hadn't meant to hurt anyone when what he said finally clicked into place. I asked him what he meant by Tanya nearly dying. He shook his head and asked me what I thought getting an abortion at her age would do to her. He went on to further explain because of who her husband was, she couldn't risk going to any of the local hospitals or bigger clinics. She ended up driving to Snoqualmie, where she found a free clinic that had never heard of the infamous Dr. Marcus Denali. But something didn't go right and she developed an infection which grew to become septic. It's kind of ironic isn't it?" He asked sarcastically. "She was married to one of the most revered physicians in the state and a family friend of the number two doctor in the state, but she couldn't go to either of them for help. Instead, she fought it on her own before collapsing at her hairdressers and was brought in by ambulance."
"as soon as dad said the word abortion, it hit me. She wasn't just sick as I'd stupidly allowed myself to believe. She had blood poisoning from an abortion. An abortion she'd gotten to end her pregnancy with my child. I was a father for nearly ten weeks and didn't even know it."
"Oh Edward, I'm so sorry." Bella exclaimed, pulling him into her arms. Edward collapsed easily into her embrace. They stood together in shared comfort for several minutes.
"I know how you feel about teens being parents, but I would have loved that baby and done everything I could to be a good parent," he said in a muffled voice.
His statement took Bella by surprise, she didn't remember them ever having a conversation regarding teen parents. Though, she wasn't a proponent of teens becoming parents, she mourned along with the boy in her arms for the child he lost.
After several minutes, they pulled apart, both hastily wiping away their tears.
"That's why you moved here?" Bella said. Edward nodded, warily.
"Everyone in the hospital already knew that the newly appointed Chief of Staff's wife had an affair and an abortion, but when they found out that the father was the seventeen-year old son of the soon-to-be Chief of Surgery, then a big scandal erupted like a volcano. It seemed as if everyone in Seattle knew what had happened. As soon as Tanya could walk under her own power, my parents threw her out of our house, her sister came down from Vancouver and picked her up. Her husband had already filed for divorce and banned her from their house. I heard that he'd gone on a rampage, throwing all of her things out onto their yard, he froze all of her credit card and closed their bank accounts, making Tanya essentially homeless and penniless. Her son, Alec, wouldn't speak to her or Emmett. They'd been best friends practically since birth, eventually Alec forgave Emmett for having me as a brother and of course Emmett sided with him, but the relationship between mother and son were still strained. To my knowledge he never called the house once to find out if she was okay." Edward dipped his head low as he thought about Tanya and Alec's broken relationship.
With a slight grimace and shake of his head he continued his story. "Dad had worked under Marcus for years and had worked tirelessly to get the chance to take over when Marcus became the Chief of Staff, they had been really close. They golfed together, we had a family barbecues at least once a month and they even consulted on each other's patients. Mom had often referred to Marcus as the brother that dad never had. And despite their close relationship after everything came out, Marcus wouldn't even look at dad. He wouldn't talk to him on the phone, ignoring dad at the hospital… Any thoughts of dad taking over as Chief of Surgery, were gone. Mom...she was hit the hardest. She blamed herself, claiming that if she'd been more attentive as a mom and less intent on being a career woman, I wouldn't have fallen under Tanya's spell. She and Tanya had been best friends, the feeling of betrayal also weighed heavily on mom, on everyone." He added with a sigh. Bella could easily see how much his mother's suffering weighed on him.
"Dad decided that the only solution was to move somewhere in which no one knew what had happened. Emmett was furious about moving. He didn't want to leave his friends, teammates…There were so many fights between him and my parents, over moving…I offered to be the one to leave. I begged them to send me to live with my grandma in Chicago. But mom was adamant that we would work through our problems as a family. So, we moved to Forks, where we would all get a clean slate," he paused, laughing darkly. "A clean slate! What a joke! Dad and Emmett hate it here and they've turned their anger toward me! We may have moved away from Seattle but the scandal didn't move away from us! I walked around this house feeling as if I'd single handedly destroyed everyone's life and they reminded me of how I'd fucked up at every chance. You saw it. That first night, when you had dinner with us."
"I remember." Bella offered quietly. She remembered how it surprised her as to what lengths Emmett would go to hurt his brother and how it seemed that his father was more than happy to chime in. The sadness on reflected in Edward's face as he saw her out to her car, haunted her for days. "Edward, couldn't they see what it did to you?"
The fire that had built up and spilled over into his previous comments seemed to lessen with his next sentence. "They could." He stated simply. "I know Emmett could. I don't think my dad meant to be so hurtful."
"Why do you think that? I mean, from what you've said, he put the whole blame on you. That woman should have been put in jail for what she did to you. Why didn't they press charges?" Bella had been wanting to press him for that answer since he'd first shared his story months ago. If a man had dared to abuse her the way Tanya had Edward, she knew that Charlie wouldn't have rested until that man was behind bars. Bella couldn't understand why Edward's parents hadn't fought for him.
Edward shook his head, holding up his hands to try to and calm her. "They wanted too, they even went to the police department but the age of consent in Washington State is sixteen-years-old. Since I was of age when the affair started they would have to prove that she'd forced me to have sex with her. She didn't force me and despite everything, I wasn't going to lie about that."
Bella sighed at his admission. Her anger was leveling off, but it concerned her that Edward seemed to take all the blame onto himself. "But Edward, she used you. You may have willingly engaged in the affair but-"
"I know what you're going to say." Edward interrupted. "And I agree with you. It's taken several therapy sessions for me to understand that, but I still could not allow Tanya to be imprisoned because of what we had done, together."
"Even after aborting the baby without telling you it even existed?" Bella half whispered looking into his eyes and seeing the pain he still felt over his immense loss reflected in them.
Edward took several deep breaths, letting them out slowly. The tension in his shoulders slowly released with the calming breaths. "The loss of the baby, was difficult and I will always feel as if there is a piece of me missing because of what she did, but I can't deny that I had a part in what happened and she's paid a stiff price too." Bella huffed loudly at his last comment. Edward chuckled to himself at her action. He knew she was doing it out of love for him, but his time with Doctor Felix, had made him look at Tanya and what she too had lost with some sympathy.
"Did you get the chance to ask her why she had the abortion? Why she didn't tell you?"
"No. My parents guarded her door like she was a serial killer. I don't think she came out of that room once the whole time she stayed with us. I was, of course pretty much under house arrest. I didn't go anywhere without my mom or dad shadowing me. The last time I saw her, was from my parent's bedroom window as her sister helped her into a car. I never got the chance to tell her how sorry I was for everything."
"Good. She didn't deserve to hear your forgiveness."
"Bella, she lost her home, friends, family-from the conversations I've overheard between mom and Emmett, Alec still isn't speaking to her…she almost died." Edward reached out to hold Bella's hand, hoping she understood how much her support meant to him,
Bella pulled his hand to her lap, leaning in to touch his face softly. "Edward, that was her choice. She didn't give you one."
"Maybe I need to be grateful for what I've gained because of the choice she made?" Bella's eyes narrowed quizzically at his comment.
"What do you mean?" She asked.
"If she hadn't made the choices she did, I would have never have found you."
Soooooo, are we all still on board? I hope so because the next chapter is already half written. :)
Devilward is on the way! You didn't think that Edward was off the hook did you? Hahahahahahahaha!
Thank you all for reviewing. It means the world to me and I read every single one of them! Please continue letting me know what you think. Your support is greatly appreciated!
Until next time,
ruinedbyrob
