Unintentional Hero
Author: Nightstar Fury of Nightstar Productions
Rated: M for a variety of things that will happen
Pairing: Hiccup/Astrid
Disclaimer: I do not own HTTYD
27: Just Hold Me
-Hayden's POV-
I was beyond thrilled to be home again. I made it to my sister's and girlfriend's graduation and pulled off the best way of hiding that I wasn't there. I was pretty sure they are gonna be mad at me for a while too but I don't care. And as a bonus...my second tour of duty ended. Tarelto and Holgerson called me to tell me that in a week they'd be back from Iraq and the best news, we were stationing right at Fort Dreki. It was the best news I could have ever gotten: approved leave for a week, tour ended, and stationed in Berk-which was an hour away from my girl, sis, Dad, and friends. I knew I couldn't just leave base to see them whenever but at least I was closer to home and perhaps with the tour being over I could get more time to leave base to visit them. I certainly wasn't a private anymore so I should have a little more freedom. After all, I did have Toothless who could take me for the day and get us back before 9pm, not that I really had to abide by that either.
The graduation party had been awesome and I had told Dad I was home so he helped me set something up for Avery since I'd missed it not once but twice. Dad was letting me use the backyard to throw a Second Chance Prom for just our friends. And yeah I invited Ethan, Dylan, and Heather just because I knew Rachel wouldn't go without Ethan and Felix would be miserable without Heather. Not to mention...Camille confided in me that she was developing a crush on Dylan and I almost went to his house to warn him that if he hurt her I'd kill him and no one would find the body! Yet still, I refrained from doing so for Camille's sake. The only two who wouldn't have dates were Seth and TJ but they weren't worried about that at the same time. The only person who didn't know what I was planning was Avery. I just told her to wear something semi-formal because I was taking her to dinner. Of course eventually in this week off I had, I would be taking her on a real date since we'd been dating about two years now and we've never been on one.
I knew I only had five days left after this so I was trying to make the best out of each one by doing something with either family, Avery, or friends. Tonight around 6:30pm, it would be with all of them. I didn't have time to rent a tux so I'd be wearing my military formals, the green coat and black pants with black shoes. I wasn't wearing the hat though-no need for it in my opinion. Right now it was only four and I was at Dad's, making sure everything was set. He'd be taking pictures of the couples, there would be food, music, dancing. Everything you could expect at a prom would be here tonight and I couldn't wait to surprise Avery with it. I got a text from Seth saying that he and TJ found dates so I said it was okay to bring them. I checked the clock: still an two and a half hours to go. I couldn't wait to do this.
(6:30pm)
Everyone had already arrived except for Avery and she was on her way. I told her I couldn't get to her so she had to get a ride to my house. She already texted me to let me know she was on her way and would be there in five minutes. Was it bad to say I was incredibly nervous? I'd been planning it since I called Dad to let him know I was coming home so he knew the whole time that I'd be there for the graduation which is why he didn't looked surprised at all when I showed up on stage, he just smiled. He knew the whole plan: I couldn't keep him in the dark about any of it.
"This was an awesome idea, Hayden...Avery is gonna love it!" Rachel beamed, "Thanks for including us."
"You guys are my friends so of course I'm gonna invite you," I replied.
"We didn't think you considered us friends..." Dylan said.
"I don't," I huffed. "You're only here because Ethan is dating Rachel and Heather and Fishlegs are basically dating."
"So why are you being nice to us?" Ethan asked.
"Didn't we just go over this? Only here because you have relationships with my friends. And a good friend will do anything to make their friends happy-I'm not a complete asshole all the time ya know," I stated as I saw Avery's mom's car pull up from the living room window as I took a breath and made my way outside with the most serious face I could muster. I saw her step out wearing a knee length purple dress and black heels. The dress was spaghetti strapped with a sequin black belt. "Hello Mi'lady. You look stunning as always," I greeted her softly as I kissed the back of her hand with a slight bow then looked back at her to see her blushing.
"Hey, Handsome, what's with the uniform?" Avery asked after we shared a light kiss.
"We're going somewhere that is semi-formal and I didn't have time to rent a tux: this was the next best option," I smiled gently.
"Well, I'm ready when you are." Avery said: I offered her my arm as she giggled and linked hers to mine while I led her to the backyard fence but didn't open the gate yet. I faced her lightly.
"Call it old fashioned but I thought we could enjoy a nice evening right in the backyard...But before we go in, I have to ask..." I cleared my throat pulling out a small clear box with a light purple rose corsage resting in it, "Will you go with me to Prom?" Avery's eyes widened as I opened the gate and revealed the completely decorated backyard to her. Rope lights hanging from trees and running along to the house, a table with food and drinks, tables for people to sit at, a spot where my CD player rested with an AUX cord running to my phone which was playing music, then of course she saw our friends there all dressed up nice. A banner at the top read: Second Chance Prom.
"Hay—Hayden what is all this?" Avery asked softly.
"Well I missed Junior and Senior prom because of deployments so I made a Second Chance Prom right here in the backyard for us. If of course, you want to go with me?" As I offered the corsage again. I saw her wipe away a tear as she nodded her head to me and I sighed in relief. I took the corsage out and placed it on her wrist before leading her under the arch where Dad took our picture. A standard first and then one of us kissing, I led her right to the middle of the backyard and started dancing with her. It was every bit of worth it to see the overjoyed smile on her face while we danced around for hours it seemed: our friends were doing it too. I had a good selection of fast and slow paced songs in a playlist on my phone that would play at random. We stopped to snack, and eat, grab a drink too. Oh, it was such a good night, and I guess I ended up shocking my friends with the fact I could dance. They asked where I learned but I told them I didn't, I just went with what felt right.
As it got later, the others had to leave and Camille went to give her feet a break evidently. Around 11pm, Avery and I were still dancing slowly to the music playing-which I turned down after 9:30 so we didn't bother the neighbors. "This has been amazing." Avery whispered laying against my chest.
"I'm glad you enjoyed it, babe. I felt bad knowing I missed Junior and Senior Prom so I wanted to make up for it," I replied to her.
"You definitely did, Hayden...I think this prom was better than both of the originals." Avery smiled as we shared another kiss-which gradually became deeper and turned out into a make out session in the backyard but we didn't care: it was just us out here. "I wish it wasn't so late...I don't want this night to end and have to go home."
"Who said you had to go home?" I asked her and she arched a brow at me, "You're over eighteen, Avery. You don't have to go home if you don't want too. You can stay the night-I know I won't mind."
"You mean like sleep over...with...you?" Avery asked a little surprised.
"Well yeah, why not? It's not like we're going to do anything but cuddle on the bed, I already told you, and everyone else that we're not doing that because I don't want to risk you getting pregnant while I'm still active in the military and can be deployed at anytime again," I said calmly.
"I was meaning to ask...how long will you be active in the military?" Avery said softly.
"Not sure, never gave it much thought. When I joined, I didn't have all I do now but it would feel wrong to just up and quit. Why the curiosity?" I questioned.
"Well...We have been together two years now, and I'm a high school graduate...At some point...I want to be able to settle down and have a family..." Avery looked down a bit: I lifted her chin so our eyes would meet.
"Let's not worry about right now, okay? We got a lot of time. You still want to go to college, and I've got the military. Let's just enjoy what we have and when the time comes for it to happen, it will." I winked at her and she smiled, nodding, as I kissed her again. "Come on, let's get inside. Unless...you want to go home, I'll fly or walk you there," I offered gently.
"I want to stay with you..." Avery blushed slightly.
"As you wish, Mi'lady," I replied as I turned the music off and slipped my phone in my pocket. I brought in the CD player and set it on the counter. The food and drinks were already inside so I just grabbed the table cloths and centerpieces: the rest I'd clean up tomorrow. I shut off the rope lights and led Avery inside the house, then I shut and locked the sliding glass door. We went to Camille's room first so Avery could borrow a pair of my sister's pajamas for the night. She changed in the bathroom first while I changed in my room then she knocked and I let her in. I was wearing my sweats with no shirt and I saw her staring at me, or maybe it was the spots I'd been shot in. I wasn't entirely sure.
"God damn, Hayden...You're so buff now. You were such a twig in freshman year..." Avery giggled as she ran her arms over my now defined muscles. Yeah, it was true. I was a scrawny twig back then but three years changed a lot when you carry a shit ton of gear, heavy boxes, and people. Not to mention, I still always did my morning runs for an hour or so. I chuckled at her while she felt my four pack abs, and chest. I watched her shudder and giggle again like a middle school girl with a bad crush.
"Yeah yeah, don't go spreadin' that around," I said as I laid down in my bed and moved over so she could join me. I put my arm out as she laid her head on my chest then used that same arm to wrap around her shoulders while she draped her arm over my chest.
"Hayden?" Avery asked.
"Hm?" I replied after closing my eyes.
"I'm really glad you're home. It's been hell without you here, I've missed you like crazy and always worrying if you're okay when deployed. I really love you," Avery said snuggling against me. I was quiet a moment, staring at the darkened room at the ceiling. If only she knew what it was like over there, she wouldn't say it was hell without me home.
"I'm glad I'm home too. I've really missed you and the others. I love you too, now get some sleep babe." I told her, she nodded and closed her eyes. I waited about ten minutes before I felt her breathing even out and knew she was asleep. 'I just hope I can sleep now that I am home...' I thought, closing my eyes again. Sure enough, within the hour I had knocked out too. I'd been mentally and physically exhausted since Ritka's death. Now with Eli and Daryl dead too, it was worse and just like always, my nightmares were bad: my inner self telling me that I'm nothing more than a useless murderer.
-End Hayden's POV-
(Tuesday)
It had gotten bad, the nightmares and flashbacks were constant but he pushed them aside and showed everyone he was fine but he knew he wasn't. The sounds of bombs, guns, and more went off in his head; seeing the building Ritka was in going up in flames after an RPG hit it; seeing the utter fear in Matthews's eyes when he was shot in the leg then saw the RPG coming at him and Hayden unable to run back to get him, and finally he was seeing Lennox die in his arms after saving his life. Hayden needed to talk to Gobber, he needed this to stop. He wasn't sleeping and couldn't bring himself to eat a lot. Hayden was meeting up with Avery for dinner tonight but before all that he needed to see Gobber and talk about these flashbacks he continued to see no matter what he did. But reaching the diner, the hostess informed him that Gobber was on a two week vacation-which sucked because Hayden would be at Fort Dreki by the time he came back. He guessed he'd just have to deal with it.
Hayden met Avery for dinner at a small diner, not Gobber's though, so they could eat together. Avery ordered alfredo with chicken and broccoli, Hayden got a burger and fries. Both had sodas. After an hour and a half there, they decided to go see a movie together and that took two hours too. Now they were at Avery's house since her parents were at some party for her Dad's job and wouldn't be home until later on. Roughly it was 8:30pm while they were locked in a make out session on her bed. They'd been going at it about fifteen minutes before breaking apart because they both knew what could happen if they didn't and Hayden was adamant on not having sex with her unless they were 110% positive that she wouldn't get pregnant and Avery admitted that because her period was irregular that there would be no way to pinpoint her ovulation times each month. And that wasn't a risk Hayden was willing to take. He couldn't...not after what happened to Ritka where Hayden had to go tell his fiancee and three year old he was dead.
Hayden couldn't do that to Avery, get her pregnant even if by accident and then worry constantly if he would make it out of war alive and someone telling Avery and his child that he wasn't coming home again. The thought terrified him to no end and Avery understood that-which Hayden was thankful for. After breaking their make out session, they laid on the bed smiling, Avery laying in his arms like always. "I never get tired of that..." Avery panted a bit.
"Me either..." Hayden replied: their kisses always got a little intense and even once or twice Hayden's hand slipped under her shirt to her breasts and massaged them while locked in their kisses. Another reason he stopped the make out sessions after twenty minutes because after that they would get locked in too much and give in to the intimacy. They'd talked about maybe doing foreplay but decided against it for the time being because if that ever went too far, then they knew they'd end up having sex. They wanted each other but Hayden wouldn't take the risk, he refused to allow himself to no matter what.
"You staying over tonight?" Avery asked.
"I can if ya like. Don't forget were going to the theme park tomorrow with Camille and Dad," Hayden smiled.
"I won't, I'm looking forward to it," Avery smiled wider, Hayden chuckled as he kissed her forehead and closed his eyes with a yawn. "You look tired."
"Yeah...I haven't been sleeping that good. But I guess it's just what I'm used to with always being on alert," Hayden shrugged.
"Well, you're safe now, I got your back so get some sleep." Avery said as she snuggled into him and relaxed. Hayden wanted to nod but couldn't. She might be able to protect his body but couldn't protect him from himself. At some point he did fall asleep and it began again.
-Hayden's Nightmare-
"RITKA!" he yelled out, but he was too late when the RPG hit the building Steven was in. It changed to Eli being hit, then caught in a grenade blast and Hayden couldn't reach him, "MATTHEWS, NO!". Finally it switched to Daryl pushing him out of the way, and later dying in his arms. "Lennox...no...not you too…"
It started with all of them together, the whole Strike One unit on a mission and the days he lost those three played out slowly before him all while he couldn't move from his position. He watched himself leave Ritka alive and behind, then the RPG hitting the building he was in. He watched Matthews get shot in the leg, fall down and yell out but Hayden was useless to run back to get him because Theo and Tarelto held him back when the RPG came through. Finally with Lennox, he saw himself get pushed out of the way and Lennox take the bullet meant for him. He watched Lennox die in his arms.
"You're a murderer, Hayden Haddock. You're no soldier, no hero, no nothing. Ritka is dead because you left him to die. Matthews is dead because you didn't get to him when he was shot and then allowed the rest of your unit to hold you back. Lennox died saving you. You were involved in all their deaths, Hayden...directly involved and couldn't stop a single one of them."
Hayden saw the bodies of his lost friends, saw them die before him again while he could only hit his knees and cry out into the never ending darkness.
-End Hayden's Nightmare-
He snapped awake yelling out, he sat up quickly in a cold sweat panting hard. It took him a minute to realize he was in Avery's room still and sitting beside him, that's who he saw. "Hayden...Are you okay?" she asked. Hayden looked down blinking a bit, his hand tightening before getting off the bed and sitting on the edge of it with his hands raking across his shaved head. "You've been...thrashing around for fifteen minutes, you kept saying 'no it isn't true' and 'don't you dare die on me'..." Avery said, worried for him now. Hayden didn't answer her as he let his hands drop but kept his elbows on his knees, while still not looking over at her. Avery got off the bed and moved to her knees on the floor as she placed her hand on his gently. "Tell me what happened."
"Ritka isn't the only man I've lost since going back..." Hayden said quietly.
"Oh Hayden...I'm so sorry..." Avery said quickly as she hugged Hayden tightly. She knew how much he was hurting when Ritka died and to hear he lost more people since arriving back in Iraq honestly broke her heart. "I'm here if you want to talk about it, but I understand if you don't want to..." she offered.
Hayden closed his eyes now: could he tell her about Matthews and Lennox dying? Could he do it without breaking down? He didn't know but he needed to do something because these nightmares would destroy him if he didn't. "Two more soldiers from my squadron, my unit were killed in action...Eli Matthews died in November 2019, and Daryl Lennox died June 2020, a week right before coming home..." Hayden began as Avery grabbed her desk chair and moved back in front of him to listen more. She knew how close Hayden was to his unit: they'd all been best friends since his deployment to Afghanistan. "Eli was killed because a sniper shot him in the leg while we were running to take cover from an RPG. He fell and before I could run back for him the grenade hit. Theo and Jason held me back from running into the explosion...When the smoke cleared, we got Eli's body and returned to base..." Hayden clenched his fist.
"And...what happened to Daryl?" Avery asked hesitantly: she couldn't imagine what he was feeling right now and truth be told, she was a little afraid to know how Lennox died. Hayden shook his head a few times.
"He...took a bullet that was meant to kill me..." Avery gasped quickly, "It was...just after a mission helping another pinned down squad in enemy fire." Hayden kept his head down as she felt tears pricking her eyes, "After so long of fighting I grabbed one of the jeeps and a rock, I sped it right into enemy fire. I got three hand grenades ready, used the rock to hold the gas pedal...and jumped out before it exploded. We got clear, ran to make the escape. While loading the rest of the jeeps, I heard Lennox tell me to move and he pushed me out of the way. When I got up...he'd been shot in the chest...he was alive for about three minutes before..." He stopped clenching his fist again and trying not to cry.
"Hayden...before what...? What happened?" Avery asked, tears rolling down her own cheeks.
"Before he told me to stay safe...and keep fighting...Then he died in my arms. He just...died..." Hayden said slowly while looking at his hands still seeing the image of Lennox slowly slipping into death there.
"Oh Gods, Hayden...I'm so sorry...That...had to be horrible...Gods I'm so sorry." Avery cried while pulling him into her arms. Hayden couldn't hold it, he started shaking and finally, he cried against her.
"I couldn't save them, any of them. They all...died on my watch, under my command...I let...my teammates down. Ritka...was alive when he told me to get clear. Eli...I could've gotten to him, and Lennox...that bullet should've hit me, it should've killed me!" Hayden cried.
"Hayden! It's not your fault!" Avery said quickly.
"There are so many times...that I should have been killed...And either I get really lucky...or someone dies in my place...When I joined the military, Avery...the Armourwing Company from Fort Dreki had one hundred and fifty soldiers including myself...And we went to Afghanistan right after Basic. There's only sixty-three of us left from that Company. When I got assigned a barrack in Afghanistan, and joined Alpha Fire...I met Ritka, Lennox, Tarelto. Eli and Theo were already with me from Basic...We became Strike One...And from the original Alpha Fire group from when I got there...twenty-eight people have died between Afghanistan and Iraq, between the two different deployments...and then Ritka, Matthews, and Lennox died making the total thirty-one people from the original Alpha Fire have died in action. Between the last two tours...I've lost thirty-one people from my squadron, Avery..." Hayden said quietly.
"But it wasn't your fault babe...It's war...and you've...said it yourself about the risks…" Avery tried to calm herself down.
"That doesn't mean it hurts any less when they do die..." Hayden put his head down.
"I know...I know, baby, and I wish I knew what to do to make this easier for you..." Avery said softly still holding him in her arms while he laid his head on her chest, arms wrapped around her waist.
"Just hold me...please. Just hold me and don't let go right now..." Hayden said softly, Avery nodded as she just continued to hold him. She knew everything was tearing him apart from the inside, losing three people in a row all within one year that you'd been best friends with had to be really hard and due to being a soldier who was used to just getting back up and getting to work, she assumed he never really grieved the losses. But now he was, his nightmares were eating away at him and it brought him to tears: something Avery had never seen Hayden do before, cry. So for now if all she could do was hold him, then that is what she would do. It was silent for another hour when her parents got home, by then Hayden had already fallen back asleep and Avery was in his arms the hold time. For once, he was able to sleep peacefully without his nightmares consuming him.
