Unintentional Hero
Author: Nightstar Fury of Nightstar Productions
Rated: M for a variety of things that will happen
Pairing: Hiccup/Astrid
Disclaimer: I do not own HTTYD
32: Pain Becomes Strength
The day had come for them to deploy to Afghanistan. Hayden's second time there, and it was Night Terror's first time and as expected they were a little nervous. The plane was being loaded with gear they had to take with them to Afghanistan. Hayden was standing with Toothless-more like laying against him in full gear with a his infamous M16 laying in his lap. They could see his eyes were closed and there wasn't any real emotion on his face. "I'm actually really worried about him." Heather mentioned standing next to Theo and Jasmine.
"We all are, but he won't talk to us. Anderson should be able to talk to him when we get there." Theo said.
"What should we expect there?" Ethan asked.
"Ask the Captain, he's in charge of the platoon which is made from two squadrons if you remember. Alpha Fire and Delta Fire are the squadrons. We'll likely be in barracks A and B like the first time." Theo replied.
Of course, Hayden was listening as he stood up slowly with Toothless beside him. "Time to load up." He said plainly as Toothless climbed the ramp first while forty-four soldiers including himself got on. Hayden hit the back where the pilots were as he then sat down against Toothless again with his eyes closed. The plan moved down the runway then took to the air after the back hatch shut. "Back in to the fray, bud...You ready?" Hayden asked rubbing Toothless's head as he received a croon or worry for his dragon. "We got this, just like last time." Toothless licked his check and relaxed.
"What's it like?" Dylan asked.
"What is what like?" Hayden replied.
"Being in a war zone?" Heather said softly.
"Its going to be nothing like what you're expecting. I highly advise you to take it seriously and follow orders without questioning them." Hayden said with his eyes closed.
"Yes, Drill Sergeant." The group replied.
"You don't have to call me that anymore, you graduated Basic." Hayden stated.
"Well you been out of Basic for three years and you still call your Drill Sergeant...well, Drill Sergeant." Ethan said calmly.
"Out of respect. You can call me Sir, Captain, or Captain Haddock." Hayden remarked.
"Yes sir." They replied.
"Now get some rest. We got roughly thirteen hours before we get there. I believe the pilots said we have two layovers, an hour each. This could change still but for now that is the flight plan." Hayden said as he pulled his hat over his eyes and relaxed. The rest of the flight was pretty quiet.
(Afghanistan; Twelve & A Half Hours Later)
The flight plan had changed indeed. They flew from Berk at eleven 11am to the first layover location for three hours, then the layover was an hour and thirty minutes before boarding again and flying about four hours, another layover for and hour, then flying three more hours. Total flying time was ten hours, layover time was two and a half hours making their arrival to Afghanistan 11:30pm but given also the time change, it was actually 4am with the four hours and thirty minute jump ahead. Reaching the base, the plan hovered a few minutes then finally landed and the hatch opened. Hayden was already up, and boy did everyone see how fast his personality changed: he was like a completely different person. "Alright, Alpha and Delta...move out." Hayden commanded.
Without an argument they all did what they were told with Hayden and Toothless out last as always. "Haddock! Glad you're back!" Came Major White's voice as he came over.
"Sure...Because who the hell is happy about being in war. Update on the situation?" Hayden asked.
"In the middle of an attack, Anderson is on the front lines or he'd be here greeting you. Take your men to the barracks, same as the first time and we'll talk after the attack is over." Major White said.
"How long has this attack been going on?" Hayden said now.
"About an hour now. Go on, we got it." Major White smiled a bit. Hayden shook his head as the Major blinked.
"Believe me, with the week I've had...I could use a little battle time to blow off steam. Holgerson, take the platoon to the barracks...I'll be back." Hayden cracked his neck as he jumped on Toothless's back then grabbed a rocket launcher and hulled it over his shoulder. "Toothless! Sky bud!" His dragon took to the sky.
"What's he gonna do?" Dylan asked.
"Just watch..." Jasmine giggled a bit. Hayden sped off over the front lines with a whistle from his dragon's speed.
"Is that a Night Fury?" Asked one of the men closest to Anderson, he looked closer now and started cheering.
"Haha! HADDOCK IS BACK!" Anderson yelled out then saw the launcher and his eyes widened slowly, "Oh shit...Haddock, you crazy son of a bitch! EVERYONE GET DOWN!" Anderson knew what Hayden was going to do, it was nuts but Anderson knew Hayden wouldn't of done it if he wasn't sure it would work. Hayden got closer and had Toothless hover, he noticed a lot of the enemy soldiers had stopped to look up. Hayden position the launcher and aimed with a grin.
"Hey assholes? Did ya miss me?! No? Well, I'm back!" Hayden pressed the trigger as the RPG was released, he saw the soldiers start running for it. "TOOTHLESS, PLASMA BLAST...NOW" Hayden commanded. As soon as the RPG hit the ground, so did Toothless's blast as it created a much bigger explosion but as the smoke cleared the base could see the enemy retreating. Hayden huffed as he turned Toothless around and the two landed in an slightly open area. Hayden got off Toothless while the soldiers were cheering at the victory. Hayden saw one enemy who hadn't run sneak up behind Anderson to stab him but Hayden was a lot faster and had his pistol at the enemies forehead as the area fell quiet. "I'll give you a ten second head start...One." Hayden warned coldly. The soldier dropped his weapon and ran, sure enough after ten seconds, Hayden aimed his M16 and shot the soldier in the back of the head. "Ten..." He finished.
"Saved my life kid, hope one day I can return the favor." Anderson patted his back with a smile but then he noticed that Hayden wasn't smiling, or enjoying the victory at all. "What's wrong?" Anderson asked now, his face becoming worried. Hayden glanced at him but when Anderson saw his eyes, he saw sadness.
"Can we ta-," He sighed now, "I need to talk to you, Anderson...please?" Hayden said calmly but with a serious voice.
" Of course and...I'm getting the feeling you want to talk to me alone?" Hayden gave a nod. "Meet me in my office in ten minutes then, alright? Everything okay?" Hayden closed his eyes slowly and walked off with Toothless following him sadly. Anderson's eyes met Theo's and the two had a silent conversation that Anderson clearly got the message of: Hayden isn't okay.
Hayden reached the barrack ahead of the others after putting Toothless away, he sighed heavily when the rest were coming inside. "That was a pretty awesome move ya pulled up there..." Ethan said.
"It's not about awesome. It needed to be done. I want you all unpacked and asleep before I get back, that goes for Delta Fire too. It's been a long day, and we got work to do tomorrow. Is that clear?" Hayden stated getting to his feet to leave the barrack.
"Crystal, Captain." They replied, Hayden then walked out heading to Anderson's office which wasn't far from the barracks they were staying in thankfully. Hayden reached the door and took a breath, Anderson needed to know about Tarelto and Hayden needed someone to talk to because the last week since Tarelto's suicide, he'd been a mess. He couldn't sleep more than an hour, he barely ate, and his mood had out right been fluctuating like a woman on her period. Hayden knocked on the door and waited.
"Come in, Hayden..." Anderson said opening the door for him, Hayden walked in and just stood there at first while Anderson closed the door and moved next to him. "What's going on my friend?" Hayden turned his head, unshed tears rested there, he went to tell Anderson but saw the image of Tarelto on the ground again and started shaking. "Hayden?..." Anderson asked, Hayden just stood there still and closed his eyes tightly. Anderson knew something bad at happened for Hayden to be shaking and on the verge of tears. Anderson led him over to the chair and made him sit down. "What happened?"
"It's...Tarelto..." Hayden finally said as Anderson pulled over a metal chair to sit next to him.
"Is he in some kind of trouble, I didn't see him with the group?" Anderson asked, Hayden flinched lowering his head now.
"He's...dead, Harry," Hayden said quietly, Anderson backed up a bit in shock. "He," Hayden clenched his fists, "He killed himself...He killed himself a week ago because he couldn't...take anymore death, and didn't want to come back here but they wouldn't let him...out of the arm so he...committed suicide to get away from it all." Hayden finally said and Anderson was just beyond words of what to say. Tarelto was dead, he had killed himself?
"What...do you meant he couldn't take it anymore, Hayden...He was smiling and laughing when I was there a month ago." Anderson asked, Hayden reached into his BDU and pulled out the letter Tarelto had written before killing himself and let Anderson read it over while he was still shaking. "This is why you boys are sent for psych evals and counseling after tours of duty, or any time someone dies...This is why I asked you if you were alright last month...What happened? Who found him and told you about it?"
Hayden was quiet again, looking down with his eyes shut tightly. He didn't care if Anderson saw him cry or not, he knew he couldn't hid how he felt with him around. "Tarelto got really quiet after I announced the deployment back here. He got distant and stopped talking the entire month, then last week, he never returned to the barrack after dinner. I asked if anyone saw him, one of the privates said they heard Tarelto say he was going for a run..."
"Tarelto hates running unless he has too...He'd never willingly do it." Anderson pointed out.
"That's why...I went looking for him. I looked everything for twenty minutes and couldn't find him until I noticed the grass leading into the forest had recently been walked on so I went in on a gut feeling." Hayden said.
"Wait...You found him? Oh Hayden...I can see why you wanted to talk to me now. You're the one who found him dead...aren't you?" Anderson asked. Hayden looked over at him sadly and Anderson's eyes widened.
"No, I didn't find him dead. I found him when he was crying and on his knees with the gun to his head. I yelled for him not to do it but I was too late...and he just...I fuckin watched him kill himself, Anderson and I don't know what the fuck to do anymore! Every single member of Strike One is dead except Theo and I, and I swear to God if I lose anyone else I'm going to lose it." Anderson was shocked, Hayden watched it? No wonder he was a complete mess right now. Doing the only thing he though he could do, he hugged Hayden tightly.
"Ssh, it's okay. It's alright, Hayden...We'll get through this. Some...soldiers just can't handle it no matter what they try. It's overwhelming to bare the loss of so many people because of war." Anderson told him as calmly as he could, it hurt him to know about Tarelto too. All of them were good friends, and while Anderson had been dealing with loss of friends all his life since he joined the ten years ago: he knew Hayden had been on two tours, now on his third and lost a great deal of people he cared about and he'd only been in the military four years now.
"It's not alright...I couldn't save him...I couldn't save...any of them, Anderson. I couldn't save Ritka because I wasn't strong enough on my own. I couldn't save Matthews because Theo and Tarelto held me back from running after him. Lennox died in my arms saving me. And now...Tarelto...if I'd just gone five minutes before...I...could of saved him. I didn't know he was suffering so much...Now he's dead...He killed himself and I watched him do it. I can't sleep, eat...think..." Hayden said.
"Hayden, you can't blame yourself. Now I know you're a good soldier, you're a fantastic soldier but you aren't invincible and you can't protect everyone on your own. War is not...a predictable thing and the only thing we are trained to do is fight, and understand the risks, to accept them. We aren't trained to handle losing our closest friends in combat. It doesn't matter if we know it can happen, no one is ever prepared to lose a soldier, or a friend." Anderson told him.
"And I know that. I accepted...what happened to the others. But Tarelto...it's different. He wasn't...killed by enemies. He...took his own life because he couldn't handle it anymore. And for Odin's sake...I don't know if I can either..." Hayden said frustrated.
"Hayden!" Anderson said quickly, "Don't you ever say that again!"
"You told me if I felt that way I could come talk to you! That's why I'm here, Anderson. I can't...stop seeing Tarelto's back to me, on his knees, crying and pulling that trigger. I can't unhear the solemn gunshot that rang out through the Fort Dreki base when he did it. And I can't unsee the words on that piece of paper. I can't...stop hearing him tell me all month...that he was fine. After he did it...I just hit my knees and yelled out as loud as I could, I cried and then the other DS's and Alpha Fire found me there. The others don't know I saw what happened first hand. No one at Fort Dreki does...I lied to them. I told them I found Tarelto dead when I arrived...They don't know I watched him do it..." Hayden said.
"You had the desire to hurt yourself?..." Anderson asked with widening eyes, Hayden forced a nod.
"Just something...anything to take the edge off...I don't want to feel this way anymore. Anderson, I haven't slept in four days. I haven't eaten more than once a day since it happened...And all I've wanted to do since it happened...is do the same. But I didn't...I waited until I could see you in person, to talk instead of bottling it." Anderson could see the pleading look in his eyes, the one of him asking for help because he really needed it.
"I will help you, Hayden. You're like a brother to me and I don't like seeing you in this state. You said no one knows about this, that you saw Tarelto do it?" Anderson asked, Hayden nodded to him. "I'm not going to tell anyone, if they find out you saw something like that and had thoughts of suicide yourself then you're in for a world of forced counseling. It's about 0500, you need to sleep and eat. And I'm keeping you here until you've slept at least twelve hours, and eaten three meals. I will tell the others that you're sick." Anderson told him. Hayden nodded again as Anderson went and grabbed him an MRE, "Eat. I will be right back." With that, he left the office.
Hayden sat there sadly, he wiped his eyes and opened the MRE to start eating. He just hoped he could. Meanwhile, Anderson reached A barrack and walked in seeing the others awake still. "Major Anderson!...How's Hayden, where is he?" Theo asked quickly scrambling to his feet.
"Captain Haddock is...recovering." Anderson said.
"It's...because of Tarelto, isn't it?" Jasmine said quietly. Anderson nodded once.
"What happened? Did he actually talk to you? He won't talk to us and we're...worried he's going to hurt himself..." Theo said gently.
"Listen to me, all of you and don't ever repeat what I tell you. Not to other soldiers, or other officers. And don't talk about it because you might hurt Hayden more than you mean to. He's incredibly unstable right now, he's having a hard time coping with the deaths of his friends on the last tour, and now with Tarelto. Hayden confessed a few things to me and because of it, I'm keeping him with me until he can't control himself." Anderson stated. "You don't need to worry, I can get him through this. He just needs time. He's going to be staying with me the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours. And don't mention anything to him or he'll relapse."
"We understand, Major. Take care of him...He means a lot to us." Jasmine said calmly.
"You have my word. Get some rest, you guys are cleared of work until you your Captain returns." Anderson then left the barrack to return to his office.
(Anderson's Office)
When he got back he saw that Hayden had thankfully eaten all the food from the MRE and was just sitting against the wall holding a picture of the original Strike One group from the first tour in Afghanistan. Anderson went and sat beside him looking at it. "I remember that picture, first mission you guys did alone with no injuries, and the area secured without a problem. Oh you guys were so excited then, I don't think any of you slept that night." Anderson chuckled a little but he didn't see Hayden do the same.
"Does it get easier, Anderson? After so many deaths do you just...stop hurting?" Hayden asked quietly.
"It always hurts, Hayden. When I found out about Ritka, Matthews, and Lennox...I came in here and cried. And I was worried as shit for you and Theo. And when I heard that you had Oivind's little sister...I've been trying my damnedest to get to you. But no, Hayden: it doesn't doesn't stop hurting. I lost people...years ago when I was a private myself, and it still bothers me now when I lose people. I know how protective you are, I saw it earlier when that enemy was going to take me out. I've never seen you get so cold so fast and you still shot him under the pretenses he was going to kill me." Anderson told him.
"I hate how this feels...I haven't even told my family about Tarelto, I've ignored them all this past week because I just didn't want to talk until I saw you." Hayden said.
"It'll get easier with time. Like I said, it doesn't matter how many deaths occur: you are never prepared to say goodbye to a fallen soldier, to a brother, or sister, to a friend." Anderson told him. Hayden looked at the picture again: the six Strike One members. All of them with wide smiles, happy eyes, and looking like they came out of a mine field but thrilled none the less. He didn't have a lot of pictures of all six of them together, but this one was his favorite. "Hayden. Even with them gone, they are still with you. Everywhere you go, they will be there guiding you. Like you said for Oivind: On the wings of our fallen, we will soar to victory. Ever notice the wind is high when you're flying? It's them. I know it isn't fair that they died, but this is the sacrifice we all vow to take if we have too do it." Anderson informed.
"Then how come I haven't died yet? I've taken so many risks...Been shot more times than I can keep track of...I should be dead by now..." Hayden sighed.
"You should, but you aren't. But you were still willing to make the sacrifice, Hayden. That's the point. When Ritka was trapped, he knew that he could have had you call for backup to get him out-but he didn't. Because he knew it would put them in danger. So instead, he covered you so you could escape. He knew he would die when he got trapped, he knew the sacrifice he chose to make to save you and his teammates. Lennox, risked his life to save yours. He saw you in trouble and pushed you. He would of done that for anyone, but it was you who was the target. That was the choice he made, to sacrifice himself to save you. And what happened to Matthews was unfortunate and sad. And you can't blame yourself for Tarelto, that's not your fault. He's not the first soldier to commit suicide, Hayden...and though it's hard to hear: he won't be the last. What Tarelto did was keep telling himself he was okay, told everyone else he was okay and he bottled up the pain. But when he found out about coming back to war where that pain started, he couldn't take possibly losing someone else so he took the way out so he wouldn't have to feel that again. Tarelto didn't take help because he didn't admit to himself he needed it, and it consumed him. I know you've seen a lot since joining, that's why I told you that you could talk to me and I'm proud of you for recognizing that you needed help so you didn't follow the same fate." Anderson put his arm around Hayden's shoulders now.
"So how do I make this stop? How do I make this feeling go away?" Hayden asked looking over at him.
"You don't. You can't. So you own it, and you do everything you can so you never have to feel it again. Now, that doesn't mean put your life on the line to make sure everyone else is safe. It means you take more caution on every mission you do. Closer check in times, don't split the group up to far locations, move in sync so you're always close to someone else to assist in back up. You do whatever you have to, in order to make sure you did all you could. Unfortunately Hayden, these types of things, they are meant to hurt but something I live by is that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I know it hurts but bottling, and trying to deny it hurts is the worst thing you can do because it means you're running. We're soldiers, kid. We don't run, we grab our guns and push it the fuck back, we win and we don't give up. So when that pain threatens to take you down, like an enemy would: own the pain, because it doesn't make you weak, it will become your greatest strength. Take that strength...and fight back." Anderson smiled at him.
For the first time in a week, Hayden smiled. "Thanks Anderson...I'll remember that."
"Good lad. Now, you've eaten?" Anderson asked, Hayden nodded to him. "Then it's time you get some sleep. I got two cots put away so we'll just sleep in here."
"Alright..." Hayden nodded, Anderson got up and pulled Hayden to his feet before going over to the closet and pulling out two cots. They set them up-then got pillows and a blanket, Hayden kicked off his boots and laid down.
"Rest up, Haddock...And if ya need anything, I am here for you." Anderson told him, Hayden nodded as the two shared a hand shake that turned into a fist bump before Hayden stared at the ceiling when Anderson shut off the lights and made his way to his cot and laid down. It didn't take long for Hayden to finally knock out, knowing Anderson was there made him more comfortable. Anderson listened to Hayden's breathing even out as he smiled shaking his head. "You're gonna do great things, Hayden...All you need is the strength to believe in yourself that you can." After that, Anderson too fell asleep.
