Unintentional Hero

Author: Nightstar Fury of Nightstar Productions

Rated: M for a variety of things that will happen

Pairing: Hiccup/Astrid

Disclaimer: I do not own HTTYD

33: First Fight

-Hayden's POV-

I'd felt useless and miserable for the last week until I got to talk to Anderson in person again. Something about that man just made me feel better and understand things from a different view that I'd been seeing them. Anderson and Gobber were my go-to guys if it could be said that way. Gobber was former military, had seen a lot in his twenty years of the military. Anderson had been in ten years and still going, but they'd both been to war and lost close friends too. Anderson admitted that losing people the way I did, wasn't something he'd fully experienced. He'd seen his friends die, but not the way I had so he knew why it was so hard on me. The deaths of my friends weren't spread out over the years, they were over the year itself. They all died on the first Iraq tour, and then Tarelto killed himself before the second Afghanistan tour began because he didn't want to risk seeing anymore death, and he couldn't get his pain to stop. Honestly, it sounded a lot like me. I literally felt the same way.

As soon as I realized that, I knew I needed to talk to Anderson or Gobber. However, Gobber was back in Berk and I couldn't leave base and I sure as fuck wasn't gonna call him to talk about it. That left waiting until I got to Afghanistan to talk to Anderson-which is exactly what I did. I might have been able to take Tarelto dying better, if I hadn't seen him do it. If I'd been told instead of seeing it, then while it would of hurt: I would have been okay. I knew Tarelto's pain and suffering, I'd been feeling it since probably Oivind and it just got progressively worse as time went on. I'd been in the military for four years now, my contract would end in two and I honestly didn't know if I'd rejoin or not. I didn't know if I could take any more death around me. Having Anderson around helped to a degree but the pain was still there and Anderson confirmed that the pain would always be there-but to turn the pain to strength.

Pain to strength, I didn't understand what he meant at first but also I was extremely tired and knowing Anderson was only a few feet from me laying on his cot made me comfortable, and safe so I was able to sleep. The nightmares still got to me, but they weren't as bad. Arriving to Afghanistan, I took the first chance I had to fight again-the pent up sadness, and rage was getting to me so I took out on enemies. Hearing Anderson was on the front lines, something just snapped and I sped off, then nearly watching Anderson die when he was standing two feet away: I nearly lost it. I don't know what I'd do if I lost Anderson or Theo. Both of them meant a lot to me. Theo was my first friend at Basic, we've been sharing a bunk since that day in D barrack four years ago. And Anderson, he was my brother. Theo was too, they all were like brothers to me but Anderson was just like me. It was as if we were brothers, if I ever lost Anderson: I'd go on a rampage that someone would have to kill me in order to stop me.

I knew my squad had to be asking about me by now. I'd been with Anderson for three days since arriving back to Afghanistan. Anderson told them I was recovering but never anything more than that. I was grateful too, I didn't need the slew of questions right now. Anderson told them until I got back that they were off duty: as in no patrols or area secures. That was good for them, I didn't want them thrown into the fire like I was. Especially without me there. The three days I was there, Anderson made sure I ate, and slept plenty. I actually ended up sleeping a full fourteen hours that first night after telling Anderson everything about how I was feeling. He made sure I ate, then let me go back to sleep. I barely left his office at all and we spent most of our time talking about how I felt. My suicidal thoughts were gone now, I still felt the pain but I was working on making that my strength. Anderson was right, if I used the pain of losing others to fight back so it wouldn't happen again, it made me stronger.

My desire to protect was incredible, Anderson told me that. I hadn't talked to anyone back home, I knew they were worried but Anderson actually said it was a good thing I didn't call them. Because I needed to worry about myself for once. So here we were at the end of three days and honestly, I hadn't felt this...stable in a while. I couldn't say good, or great because I still felt shitty but my mind was in a better place than when I started this thing three days ago. Right now, it was just Anderson and me. If I had to take a guess it was around 2pm: I was back to sleeping and eating normally again. Anderson told me I'd made great progress but now it was time to see if it would hold. "So how do you feel today, Hayden?"

-End Hayden's POV-

"Well...It still hurts but I guess it always will no matter what I do." Hayden answered softly.

Anderson nodded, "That it will. How are the nightmares?"

"Still there, the voice telling me I'm a murderer stopped, and I'm seeing things as they actually were..." Hayden shrugged a little. Hayden had told Anderson everything: from the voice saying he's a murderer to when he saw himself dead from killing the kid four years ago. Hayden didn't hold back anything he felt, or thought. He wanted the help and he knew Anderson could help him so he had to tell him everything.

"That's good, Hayden. That's really good. Now...Big question: do you still feel like hurting or killing yourself?" Anderson asked slowly looking right into Hayden's eyes.

"No...No I don't." Hayden replied calmly. Anderson sighed with a smile finally as he hugged Hayden tightly.

"I'm glad. You had me scared, kid. Can't lose my lil brother. Ready go back to your barrack?" Anderson asked after Hayden hugged him back, then he nodded to Anderson. "Well let's get ya back then. Expect Theo and Jasmine to tackle the shit out of you too." Anderson chuckled.

"I'll prepare myself...Are we cleared for missions again?" Hayden asked now with a smile.

"If you feel up to it, there's an area to secure tonight? Only eight sectors. Reported quiet activity." Anderson stated to him.

"We'll do it. I could use a little field time..." Hayden nodded.

"I'll let the others know." Anderson nodded to him while they walked of Anderson's office and started back for A barrack. Hayden took a deep breath while walking. He was blessed and lucky to have Anderson, the man really was like an older brother to him. Anderson had joined the military six years before Hayden did when he was seventeen himself, and now ten years later: Anderson was twenty seven, he was seven years older than Hayden and definitely gave off the big brother vibe-which Hayden liked. That someone was protecting, looking out for him instead of him doing all the looking out for. Reaching A barrack, Hayden took another breath before Anderson opened the door and walked in. "Alpha Fire! I bring you your captain..." Anderson announced as Hayden walked in now.

"Did ya miss me?" Hayden asked, as warned-Jasmine and Theo rushed over and hugged him tightly.

"Yes we did and we were worried sick!" Theo mentioned quickly.

"Sorry about that. I'm fine now." Hayden told them, Jasmine and Theo offered a glance-obviously not convinced. Hayden sighed, "Look. I'll admit here and now that after Tarelto killed himself...I was a mess. I wanted no part of anything. I didn't want to talk, I didn't even want to move. I didn't want to live," They gasped again, "But that's why I chose to get help. Because I knew if I didn't...I'd end up doing the same thing as Tarelto did. I promise that I'm okay. Not gonna lie, it still hurts but it always will. Losing friends you've made, and fought alongside...It's not easy and nothing prepares you for it every time that it happens. But I know how to turn my pain into strength, and I'm gonna use it to fight this war so we win." Hayden said, Anderson smiled proudly as he put a hand on Hayden's shoulder and shook him a bit.

"Atta boy, kid." Anderson told him.

"We're glad you're okay, Hayden...But you should seriously call home. Camille and Avery have been calling constantly to check on you..." Theo said handing him his phone. Hayden sighed as he looked to Anderson.

"You mission starts at 2200. Briefing thirty minutes before hand, report to my office for it. You only need Alpha Fire for this one and I'd make sure your teams are set since yours, Haddock, is down another man." Anderson told him.

"Will do, Anderson. See you at 2200." Hayden nodded affirmatively. Anderson went to leave, "And Anderson..." The man stopped and looked back to Hayden, "Thanks for the last few days...I really needed it."

"You're welcome kid. Now call your family and relax a little." Anderson smiled with a nod as he left the barrack. Hayden took a breath as he finished greeting the others and finally got to his bed to lay down.

"Yep...beats a cot for sure." Hayden sighed out.

"You slept on a cot for three days?" Ethan asked.

"Anderson wouldn't let me out of his sight, including while I slept so we camped out in his office on cots for three days." Hayden replied calmer, he really did feel a lot better than three days prior. Now he had to face Avery, Camille, his father, and the gang back home. Hayden sat up and looked through his contacts: it was 2:15 for them in Afghanistan so that meant it had to be about 9:45am on Berk. He knew Avery would pick up; Camille and Avery both said they were starting community college in a year, that they wanted time off from school to work and save some money first. Hayden pressed the contact name and put it to his ear.

"Tell her to tell Rach I'll call as soon as I getting better reception..." Ethan asked.

"Update your towers, that should improve it." Hayden said, then Avery answered with a frantic, worried voice.

"Hayden! Oh thank Thor!...How are you, are you okay? Are you safe? What's been going on?!" The slew of questioned he hadn't wanted came at him. "Camille and the others are with me too. Rach wants to know if Ethan is still good because she hasn't heard from him."

"Calm down babe...I'm sorry I haven't talked a lot since last week...Had some stuff going on. Tell Rach Ethan is fine, his cell sucks out here. I'm okay, I'm safe, and I'll tell you the rest in a second when you relax." Hayden stated softly.

"Okay...I'm sorry, I was just really worried..." Avery replied gently.

"And don't freak out. I'll you you everything if you promise to stay calm and let me finish before saying or asking anything..." Hayden said.

"Alright..." Avery said as calmly as she could.

"A week ago, Tarelto killed himself in the forest at Fort Dreki. He left a note saying that he didn't want to go back to war, and he couldn't handle the pain of losing people anymore. Said he couldn't do it. And," Hayden closed his eyes as the others watched, he hadn't even told them this yet but he wanted them to know he was better than before so he'd say it, "the reason I got so quiet and cold was because...I saw him do it." Hayden heard the gasps and saw them looking at him with shock and worry.

"You did what!" Jasmine exclaimed.

"I watched...Tarelto kill himself. I only went looking for him, I saw the trail leading into the forest and when I got there he was already on his knees, crying, with the gun to his head. I called to him not to do it but I was too late. He pulled the trigger and...I just hit the ground on my knees crying until you all came." Hayden said calmly.

"You told us...you found him dead..." Heather mentioned.

"I know. Because I didn't want to deal with the evals and shit again. I'm not...a big talker on how I feel. So I bottled it until we got here so I could talk to Anderson...That's why I was gone for three days, because I confessed to him that after seeing Tarelto take his own life...I felt like taking mine to stop all the pain I felt from losing friends to war..." Hayden closed his eyes again.

"HAYDEN HICCUP HADDOCK! HOW DARE YOU NOT CALL AND TELL US THIS WHEN IT HAPPENED! WE'VE BEEN WORRIED FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK AND A HALF! I can't believe you-you promised you'd call if you felt upset again! I told you not to bury it!" Avery screeched upset and clearly angry.

"Well I'm sorry if I didn't feel up to talking after I watched another one of my best friends die, Avery. Okay, this wasn't a battle against enemies, he took his own life because he didn't want to risk seeing anyone else die and have to feel the pain. And seeing him do it...I realized that I was doing the same thing. Bottling my pain from seeing people die, and refusing to talk, trying to tell myself I was okay when I wasn't. What were you gonna do if I called and told you: hey babe, sorry I'm calling so late but I just watched one of my friends shoot himself in the side of the head and I feel like doing the same thing. Think you can help me?. Really? Avery, you don't know what this feels like. You don't have to see it, or remember it, or deal with it. What would you of been able to do if I called and told you that? Were you gonna fly out to Fort Dreki on Stormfly to hold me? Were you going to tell me it'll be okay babe, it'll just take time? Or were you going to be in so much shock that you didn't know what to do yourself?" Hayden asked.

"Hayden...Don't get mad at her for caring, we've all been worried about you." Camille tried.

"Worrying about me isn't gonna bring my friends back, is it? Want to know where I've been for three days? Under a suicide watch by Anderson so I didn't lose it. When I got here, I told him what happened and he refused to let me out of his sight. I've been recovering. You can't help me deal with this because you don't know how it feels. Anderson does, he's been through it too. Now I know you're worried but no amount of anything I do or tell you will change that. You will worry whether I'm here or home. Now it still hurts but at least the desire to plaster my brains on the wall is gone. Take that for what you will...In the mean time, I got a squadron to prepare for a mission tonight. I'll call you next time I can..."

"I'm...sorry, I didn't...mean to upset you." Avery cried. Hayden sighed as the door opened and Anderson was there again.

"You didn't," Hayden closed his eyes, "I was upset to begin with. Talk you later. Love you, bye..." Then he hung up.

"You know you caught the attention of the other officers, don't you?" Anderson asked.

"Yep, just don't care. This is why I don't call home because one way or the other...it becomes an argument. And this time...I made her cry-fucking go me," Hayden mumbled.

"You both need time to cool off. You just got off recovering, talking about it so soon probably wasn't a wise idea. Do we need to camp out in my office again or you good?" Anderson asked.

"I'm fine..." Hayden said.

"Then try to keep it down, call her back later on and apologize for getting angry. And don't you dare hesitate on coming to see me if this gets worse, understand?" Anderson said firmly.

"Yes, Major Anderson, I understand." Hayden remarked.

"You're such a sarcastic little shit, Haddock but you're a good kid with one hell of a temper. Save it for the enemies, would ya?" Anderson chucked a little.

"With pleasure." Hayden chuckled back as Anderson left again and he sighed.

"So we have a mission tonight?" Dylan asked.

"Yes. Eight sector area to patrol, clear, and secure. Just the twenty-four of us are going, we'll take four sectors each and I want radioed check in updates every time a sector is cleared or something seems off. Got it? I want eyes and ears on everything." Hayden commanded.

"Sir, yes sir!" They replied.

"So what about teams, Cap? We're kind'a down three people for Strike One..." Theo said.

"Working on it now," Hayden said glancing around the room at who was there. Most of the teams were already made, there were just some that had to be readjusted because of deaths that occurred, "Alright. Marx, Milstead, Nichols line up." They did as they were told. "If you are an original member to Alpha Fire, take your place with your unit leader." Hayden said, they all did and that left the new people who didn't have a spot yet. In moments he had them rest of the teams filled-except his own because the only people left were Ethan, Dylan, and Heather. He didn't trust them not to fuck something up in someone else's group so that made his choice clear. "Lanviks, and Ericksen...You're with me on Strike One..."

"On your...team?" Heather asked.

"Yes." Hayden said firmly before leaving the barrack and going around to see Toothless, he missed his dragon. Hayden sat with him while he ate, and relaxed there wondering how he'd apologize to Avery tomorrow after the mission was over. He hadn't meant to make her cry, he just didn't appreciate getting yelled at by people who were supposed to be on his side. It took a lot for him to be able to tell them what happened to Tarelto, and that he had to watch. It took a lot for him to admit he wanted to kill himself but ask for help instead. He thought they might be proud of him for doing that, or happy he was feeling better but instead he was yelled at for not calling for a week and a half. It wasn't a good feeling either way. For the time being, he just wanted to relax with Toothless until it was time for the mission.