Chapter 2

"Did Severus have your ingredient?" Poppy asked while folding freshly cleaned bedding, not looking up once from the crisp crease she was perfecting.

"Oh," Moira paused, forgetting she had had an alibi. "No, actually. But he said he'll be fetching more soon." She hoped her tone didn't betray her, and she ducked out of her apron and removed her hat. "Poppy?"

"Mmm?"

"The new Defense professor…Remus Lupin?"

"What exactly are you asking, Moira?" She asked, a knowing look in her eye. She knew all about Remus, of course. He had been to see her frequently in his youth.

"I…I suppose I don't know. I just hadn't realized he would be here."

"Is there an issue?" She questioned, sounding as though her attention was now fully on Moira and the folding had become secondary. "You had courses with him."

"No! Of course not…I was just surprised." She breathed in deeply. "I just haven't seen him in ages, and you know, he never responded to any owls I sent. Oh, I don't know. And now he's here! I'm sure he'll be brilliant but it all just seems so…odd." It all came out as one long sentence. She was out of breath by the time she finished, plopping on to an empty cot and raking her fingers through her hair.

"He's a good kid." Poppy said.

"Kid?" Moira laughed. "We're on the other end of our damn thirties."

"Well," Poppy clucked, "when you're as old as I am, that's still a child."

"Fair enough," Moira smirked, nodding her head. "Should be an interesting year, at that. Suppose I'll be brewing up wolfsbane as part of my job description now."

"Shhh!" Poppy aggressively swatted her hands in the air in Moira's direction. "The students are not to know. Can you imagine what the papers would say? What parents would do? None of that." She looked around the hospital wing with wide eyes, scanning for any sign of students who might be awake. There were only two students in the wing as the school year had only just begun mere hours ago. "And no. Severus shall be the one to do those duties. He's quite skilled, as you know."

And I'm not? Moira internally rolled her eyes. If anyone cared enough about Remus to make the potion it was her, not Severus. There was a potential for bad blood there.

"Well I suppose I'm going to go finish unpacking and then head to bed. Goodnight, Poppy. I'll see you early tomorrow."

Poppy nodded, turning back to her work. She could be strict at times, and Moira still couldn't quite figure out if she really liked her.

Moira went to the room she had been assigned and popped open her trunk. Moira was someone who liked to be over-prepared, so taking only what was needed was quite a difficult task, but she liked to think she managed it with only a bit of an extension charm on her trunk…With a flick of her wand her clothes began to hang themselves in her modest closet. Shoes took their place beneath the robes, and small accessories filled a dish on her bedside table. It would be weird to be back at Hogwarts and yet not occupy the dormitories. Weird, but probably much more comfortable and spacious. She had the room to herself, only sharing the general area with Poppy. It was adjacent to the hospital wing, so she would be in close proximity should she be called upon.

Moira took a seat on the windowsill, peering out at the expansive and sprawling grounds. Her eyes were lit by the moonlight as she observed the great lake, ripples and waves bubbling on the surface—surely the giant squid was having a nice night swim. After a few minutes lost in thought, Moira changed into her night clothes and settled into bed. This would be her new refuge for the year, and in the coming weeks she intended to make it as home-like as possible.

In a sleepy haze Moira's eyes eased open, awakened by the sound of footsteps pacing in the hall outside her door. She put on a set of robes quickly and tried to peak out the tiny window in her door, but it was far too dark.

"Lumos," she whispered, her wand lighting up as her hand twisted the knob of her door. She heard a voice outside say "oh!", and she entered the hall.

"Of course." She sighed. "Remus, what are you doing?"

"I suppose I fell into old habits. The life of a prefect…patrolling the halls." He put his hands in his pockets, looking slightly embarrassed and taken aback. "I'm sorry if I woke you. I didn't expect anyone to hear me."

"I'm a light sleeper." Moira responded. "Refamiliarizing yourself with the castle?"

"Yes, I guess you could say that. There's a lot I need to refamiliarize myself with." He looked at her for a long moment, his eyes apologetic. Moira held his gaze for as long as it lasted, then cast her eyes to the stone below. "Dumbledore was optimistic about me being here, but I'm worried about…" he trailed off and shrugged. "Well, quite frankly, I'm worried about everything."

Moira nodded. This was definitely the Remus she remembered. So gifted, so bright. So absolutely capable. And yet so self-deprecating it was painful.

"I don't think you need to be. You'll be brilliant. And you're quite good with students. You were always so kind to the first years. Have some faith." Just like that she had resumed her role as Remus's cheerleader. It felt familiar, and yet she still felt rigid and out of practice.

"It's not so much the instruction part…that's certainly part of it." He opened his mouth to continue, but then shut it. He pressed his lips together, mulling over the words in his head.

"Remus…" Moira began, trying to regain his attention. His eyes looked distant, as if he were imagining something far away from where they were in the moment.

"Well." He began, snapping out of it and looking back at Moira. "I'm not quite conventional, am I?"

"Surely that needn't be an issue?" Moira posed, crossing her arms over her chest. There was a slight draft in the hallway, and her night clothes certainly did not help.

"I'll be missing some days around…well…you know." He conceded with a sigh. "And I have…well I have these." He gestured to the scars on his face. Moira could see him quickly unraveling within as more and more possibilities flooded his imagination. "What if I get more? What if someone sees me? The students cannot know and—"

Moira reached up to his face and lightly brushed her fingers across the deep and aged scars. Remus looked taken aback, but not offended. She smiled softly and closed her eyes. Something about the gesture brought her back to their teenage years, when she would whip up amateurish salves for Remus to try on the days after a full moon. Pomfrey's medicines were more effective, but he always humored her, nonetheless.

"Like I said, you'll be brilliant." She pulled away, suddenly remembering where she was and that they were not sixteen anymore. "You hid it so well for so long. I know you can do it. You're wicked smart. Besides, any kid that brings up the scars is a git anyways and probably has larger issues than mere curiosity. They'd be assholes to ask."

"I suppose you're right."

"I usually am." Moira chuckled. "Now why are you really in the halls Remus?"

His eyes widened and his mouth popped open into a tiny "o". "What do you mean, really? I told you, haven't I? Old habits and all…"

"Ah. My mistake. Old habits." Moira nodded playfully.

"Oh alright." He shook his head. "I was hoping you might be awake. Earlier was just such a rushed reunion and…well, I have a lot to apologize about."

Moira felt her heart skip a beat. He'd been looking for her? I guess that's what she had been crossing her fingers to hear, and what she had been hoping to pry out of him. Nevertheless, it still surprised her coming from him.

"Would you like to come in?" Moira asked, gesturing back to her room. Remus peered over her shoulder, weighing the options.

"I…would." He started slowly. "But Pomfrey…"

"She is close by, yes. Probably asleep by now I'd imagine. But if there's somewhere else you'd prefer?"

"My study would be fine. Or a classroom or…"

"Let's see this study of yours. So official and…professorial." She smirked. "I'm proud of you, Remus."

"Oh?" He blushed, looking down at his feet as they began to walk away from the hospital wing. Moira couldn't see his reaction in the dark, and for that he was grateful.

"I know this must have been a big decision for you…to put yourself out there. After hiding for so long." She turned to him abruptly. "Well, that's—that's to say I—" She clicked her tongue, angry at herself for her poor word choice. "That's to say I assume you were hiding, since I hadn't heard from you. It's not a judgement, I just—"

"No need to backtrack, Moira. I was hiding. I may be one of the most cowardly Gryffindors there is."

"That's not what I meant." She muttered, feeling like a wet blanket.

"I know it's not what you meant. But I mean it. I don't feel…brave for coming here. Hogwarts is comforting for me, and Dumbledore has always been kind to me. It's less about stepping out of a comfort zone than it appears." He said. "And I was not brave when I never wrote back to you. I was afraid of facing what had happened. To lose my best friends in such rapid succession…I was afraid that somehow, I'd screw up the one relationship I had going for me. Somehow me messing it up and losing you that way felt worse than losing you the way I really did."

"If it makes you feel better," she knew it probably wouldn't, and part of her felt a twinge of satisfaction knowing it would make him the slightest bit guilty, "you never lost me. I thought about you almost every day."

"I don't want you to think it was easy to ignore the letters. I wanted to meet you at the Hog's Head. I wanted to come to Christmas at your place. There were some nights that the only thing in the world I wanted was to play wizard's chess and drink butterbeers with you. But I was really not…" He paused, looking left and then right, trying to remember where his lodging was. "Ah, I believe it's this way." He pointed to the right and led the way but didn't continue speaking.

"Remus? You were really not…what?"

"Oh." He frowned, having hoped she would have let it go or forgotten he had been in the middle of a thought. "Well, I was really not in a good place at all. I was reckless and dangerous. I was self-destructive. When you're the only one left, you feel selfish and confused. I still do, honestly. But I'm…better…ish. Betterish, now." He nodded towards a door and unlocked it with the flick of his wand. "In we go. Maybe now we can have those butterbeers I've been wanting to share with you?"

Moira paused outside the door, letting his words sink in and her mind connect the dots. She supposed it had been like she had feared all along. He had self-isolated himself out of fear of his own instability. And he had punished himself for something he could not even control. She swallowed hard, trying not to let herself show what she was feeling. A day ago she would have been overjoyed to hear Remus Lupin offer her a butterbeer—and she was! But what she really wanted was to pull him into an embrace and comfort him, to take away all the pain he had felt in the last decade of his near solitude. She knew it was an impossible wish. The best she could do would be to try to be there for him now, as supportive as she ever was, and to share a butterbeer with him and catch up, reminisce…and try to understand where their friendship stood in the current moment.