I suddenly remembered i had this... thing. Chapter three of Emotionless. It may not be very popular, but meh.
_Hey, Alastor.
The brown haired male turned to Eren. They were in the forest, training in the outside in couples. It was a cold night, yet Bane stayed outside the tent, gazing at the sky. His teammate got near him.
_Are you not going to sleep?
_Hum, yeah, i guess i should. Are you not uncomfortable with us sleeping together?
_Why would i? After all it's just an training excercise, right?
_Yeah... i suppose so. Let's go then.
Once inside the tent, Eren found it hard to fight the impulse of asking Alastor about his past. It had been a while since the chat he had with Armin, Jean and himself. His partner, on the other hand, simply stared at the tent's ceiling. Eren decided to take his chances, after all, he wouldn't feel angry. He hoped.
_Alastor... -he began softly.
_What did you feel Eren? -Bane said suddenly- When you killed those men?
_Huh? Why do you ask me that?
_I'm just curious. How did you feel? -Alastor laid on his side, looking at Eren's green eyes- Angry? Guilty? Happy? -the last word came in an almost accusing tone.
_I... i was... well -he had trouble to find the words- i wasn't sad. But i wasn't happy either! -he added quickly- I was just mad, raging at them. They were nothing more than animals to me... it was like...
_Like killing some annoying vermin.
_Yeah... i felt a bit guilty later, but not for them. It was -Eren's eyes filled with sadness- because of my mum. When she learnt about it... i know she cried, i heard her that night. I felt terrible... i had made my mum cry, but i felt better when i thought it was for a good reason. I mean, Mikasa would probably be dead, or worse.
_And what about your mother? How did she treat you after that?
_At first it was hard for her to... well, even to look at me. I guess i wasn't her little boy anymore, but she managed to overcome it. She was.. a great mother, and...
His voice broke suddenly. Against his own will, he sobbed. He missed her. Everyday he thought of her, clinging to those happy memories, to her voice, her face, her smell. Eren's worst fear was that: to forget about the woman he loved above anything else... to lose her forever. He turned to look at his companion, trying to straighten his voice.
_You... you said you killed before. Were you telling the truth? -Bane nodded- How... was it for you?
Alastor took a deep breath, eyes fixed on the tent's roof. Then he started talking, voice as neutral as ever.
_I was ten. It was a day like any other, full of routine. I was having a walk in the forest again, and chose to go to the deeper part. A while later i realized someone was following me. When i turned around i saw him. It was one of the men that by then worked at the mill, Hans. Thirty-something, bit bald, not really outstanding. But he had followed me for a reason. When i asked him what he was doing there, he said he wanted to look after me, since it was a dangerous place. I immediately knew what he was truly planning. He looked at me the same way he looked at some of the women back in the village.
Eren gulped. Suddenly, he wished he'd asked while they were back in camp. Listening to this alone was making his skin tingle in uncomfortable ways.
_I told him so. And he laughed. "What a smart brat you are." he said. "And since you are so smart, you'll do as i say or i'll use this". And he pulled a knife from his belt. I looked at it, then at his eyes, and turned around. I placed my hands against a tree, and told him to be quick.
Eren closed his eyes and turned to watch upwards. He fought to speak.
_And then... he... did he...
_Bastard never saw it coming. -Alastor allowed himself a satisfied grin- A smarter man would have known better than to trust a willing victim. As soon as he approached enough, i sent a kick to his balls that made him bend in pain. I didn't waste a moment, grabbed his head and smashed my knee against his nose. He fell on his knees, one hand on his face, the other on the ground. I gave a kick that one of the soldiers taught me, right on his elbow, and i heard it crack. He fell flat on his face.
_Did that kill him? -Eren's voice was a bit skeptical. It didn't sound really lethal. Painful as hell, but...
_What? Oh, no. I was going to leave him there. Go back to the village, and wait for him to crawl back. I didn't think he'd admit his defeat at my hands. He'd have made up a story. But... then i thought, if he went after me, he could go after other kids back home. I faced a hard choice... until i remembered his knife.
_God...
_He was swearing and promising to kill me when he saw me pick it up. The fucker froze, and then started babbling about everything being a joke. When he tried to stand, i kicked him on the head to stagger him. I Knelt on his back, his good arm pinned under his body. Then i cut his throat, like dad when he killed a lamb.
Eren was sweating. A cold, freezing sweat that made him shiver slightly. He had killed, yes, but... but he never thought he could do it as coldly as that, with a foe that couldn't fight back. True, he was a dangerous man, but...
_Why... why didn't you just turn him in?
_I thought about that. But i realized that being a weird, lonely kid that trained physically instead of playing like a normal brat and avoided all contact with people, that was so... creepy, to say it kindly, could be a problem. He could claim i attacked him. Which, well, wasn't a lie, technically.
_Oh. -Jaeger struggled to remember why they had started talking about this, and... oh, right- And... how did it feel?
_Kind of... satisfying. No, not that way -he cleared, when Eren let a strangled gasp-. It was as i said before, like... killing some vermin, a rat in the barn. Nobody missed him. His body was found like, two weeks later, almost completely eaten by the wolves. Tragic, indeed. Although... -his voice trailed off.
_What?
_I got my hands dirty while doing it. Before i got home, a washed them in the river. Then i went back, and everything was normal. Until i went to sleep, and casually looked at my reflection in the small mirror i had. I wanted to see if anything had changed. But i only noticed a small stain near my jaw. Blood. Not really noticeable, but... when they began searching for Hans, mom looked at me as if she wanted to ask me something. Or at least, that's what i thought later... when they found him. She spoke to me less... even less than before. Didn't even look at me, if she could help it. Maybe she noticed it that night, that stain. Maybe she realized...
Bane yawned and gave Eren good nights. Eren mumbled an answer and, after a long while, fell asleep.
Morning found Eren in the akward position of resting his head on Alastor's chest. When he tried to move, his companion stirred and opened his eyes. Blinking sleepily, Bane looked at Eren and sat up without a word.
_G'morning.
_Morning. -Eren half yawned. Then all the memories from the past night flowed in, waking him in seconds.
_You still thinking about last night? -he asked dragging the words.
_Hard not to. You... have you opened like that to anyone? -Bane looked at the tent's roof, frowning.
_No. It's not the kind of thing you usually have in common with lots of people. That's why i talked to you. We're both killers. -Eren gulped, uncomfortable- Oh come on, don't give me that; we've both taken lives. Unlike those guys you killed, our reasons were different. That is what matters.
_I know, but i still don't like being called a killer.
_And what about titans? -Jaeger turned to him.
_What with those things? They're just mindless bags of shit. They all deserve to be killed.
_All of them?
_What are you talking about?
Bane took a deep breath.
_Three and a half years ago, a titan unlike any other humanity had ever seen appeared and broke the gate of Shiganshina. That same day, another titan unlike anything humanity had ever seen broke the inner wall as well, bringing hell to our world. Then they were never seen again and titans stopped after claiming all the lands beyond wall Rose, right?
_Yes.
_No! -Alastor's sudden outburst made Eren jump on his butt- No. They shouldn't have stopped. They had no reason to. Titans need no land. They need no food. That scratches any theory related to conquership.
_Our teachers already told us so. They barely think. What is your point?
_The Colossal and the Armored did more than barely think. They planned. Thay attacked the weakest points in the wall. They gave a solid hit to our defenses and broke them. If they had tried, they could have destroyed both wall Rose and Sina. Why stop then?
_I-i don't know.
_No one does. Or if they do, they shut up. -Eren looked at him in surprise- Why do you think the royal family have so much influence? And their friends so much money? You think they discourage us from learning about the outside to keep us safe? If they care so much about people, why are zones in which crime is so high? Why were Mikasa and her parents target of the scum that planned to sell her off? They don't care about us unless we are needed to make money; but they fear what we could find out there.
_Find what?
_The truth. Titans don't sprout from a hole in the fucking ground; they must have come from somewhere, right?. -Eren nodded- And these walls. The books say the king was in charge of building them to protect they remains of humanity, right?
_Yes, and...?
_Fuck Eren, are you dense or something? -Bane's voice had no anger, but only a slight shred of concern that made Eren blush in embarrasment- How, tell me, how can you build these fucking huge walls when there are hundreds or maybe thousands of giant fucking things that eat humans around? How can you build a damn palisade without them running around snacking on everyone? No, the king didn't build if he did... -the brown eyed cadet made a pause, and Eren's heart started beating faster fearing he wouldn't talk anymore.
_What? What is it? Come on, speak! -he pleaded. It was the first time he could speak with someone other than Armin about these kind of things, and even then Arlert spoke mostly about the outside world, not about the mysteries inside.
_A hundred years ago, something happened involving the titans. What it was i can't know. Only the royals and maybe their closest friends know. Something that made them flee, and hide here; something that maybe not only they remember.
_What do you mean?
_I mean that maybe the Colossal and the Armored didn't attack just because. I mean that a century may not have erased from memory whatever our or their ancestors, or whatever titans have, did back then. I mean that, to me at least, there's one thing that scares the royalists more than something that wants us dead for no reason.
_And what is it? -Eren's voice was a whisper, his hole being enraptured by Alastor's speech. His companion took a deep breath and fixed his eyes on Jaeger's green orbs.
_Something that wants us dead for a GOOD reason. -he crawled out the tent and began stretching. Eren followed shortly after.- Which is why you should rethink your goals.
_What do you mean?
_Do you want revenge? From a titan? Is like hunting a bear because it killed your mom. It's an animal, acting on instinct, not because it's evil. No, we won't beat them like these. At most, we can offer resistance. But i wonder, sometimes, if those two really understood what they were doing.
_Those two? The titans?
_If you plan it, you understand it. And the average person doesn't begin genocide and remain scarless. I'm guessing though, i'm no expert.
_But do you think they feel like us? They're not human!
_You say it like it's a bad thing. -Alastor chuckled at Eren's confusion- Look at me. Biologically, i'm human. But morally? I'd kill without mercy or remorse if i decide someone's a danger. No trial, no second chances. I feel no love, or fear, or attachment to anyone or anything. Who's to say those titans didn't know any of those feelings?
_But they're human feelings! -the black haired boy insisted.
_No. They're just words. Sounds people made up to give a shape to something whose concept they could barely grasp. Love, hate, friendship, loyalty, treason, life, death. It's only because we give them a meaning those words are so heavy. And i give them almost none. Except loyalty maybe. I like that one.
Eren sat in silence. He never got to think like that. He didn't like to think about things so complicated. But what Alastor told him made him doubt. Maybe the anwers weren't out there, but...
_Then why join the Corps? Don't you want those answers? -the other shrugged.
_Well, i don't really want answers; i merely feel the need to point it out to people who may care. Like you, or Armin. Tell him about our chat and see if he can sleep at all. As for me, i'll care about it when... well, when i finally care about it. In the meantime, i'll try my luck with titans and see if i can finally feel that surge of emotions everyone says you feel in those times.
_Alastor?
_Yeah?
_And what would you do if you find them? The Colossal or the Armored?
_I don't know. Ask them why, i guess. Well, as the Armored, cause i don't think the big guy could hear me. That Colossal is almost as tall as Bertie, isn't it? -he added with a smirk and Eren chuckled incredulously: Alastor made a joke! With titans, no less! - Hey, i have a sense of humour. I just happen to be kind of dickish.
_Yeah, i can see that. But still i'm joining the Corps.
_I'd expect no less of someone as stubborn as yourself. -Bane shrugged- Talking to you was nice though. Maybe we should do it more often.
_Yeah, we definitely should. -Eren said with enthusiasm- I mean, you'll blow Armin's mind with those theories. Do you think... do you think others would think like you if you told them?
_The others have their own projects. I don't see any of them trying to uncover the royalists secrets. It would be dangerous after all. Who knows how many people have died trying to find or reveal the truth? -At this, Eren went silent. He hadn't thought about that, about the perils someone with such task would face- Whatever; i told you, and that should be enough. Now we must get ready to go back to camp.
Later that day, once the cadets were in the dining hall, Alastor's eyes were fixed in Jaeger's table where the temperamental teen seemed quite focused in a conversation with his blonde friend. Armin barely touched his food, his blue orbs wide as he leaned until his shoulder touched Eren's, listening attentively at him, staring at the void. Bane couldn't see Mikasa's face, but he imagined her face presenting a slightly worried expression, as she did every time her brother tried or said something reckless. He looked back at his food and smiled, which in turn caught the attention of those who were sharing table with him. One of them -Franz- looked at where he did, spotted Mikasa and smiled smugly. Bane didn't notice; he'd set the gears to work in the "Survey Corps duo".
_Let's hope it brings some change to my routine. Franz, what the fuck are you giggling at?
End of Chapter.
I really, really really forgot about this. It's a nice thing to write though after the smutty things.
