New chapter... what else can i say?

Chapter 5

Bane's fingers turned the potato swiftly as he peeled it in a single continuous motion. While kitchen duty wasn't one of his favourite chores, he thanked the break in the routine since it gave him some time to let his mind wander about, check whatever fault he perceived in his technique or think of another ways to improve his condition as one of the most likely recruits to become part of the top ten. Today however, it seemed his partner didn't have the intention of leaving him alone.

_So um, Alastor...

_Yes Mina?

_Do you... uh...? -she asked awkwardly.

_Sometimes i do "uh" -he answered uncaringly- but other times i go "eh". Pass me another potato.

_What i mean is... i want to ask you something.

He grunted his permission, the potato's skin falling in a single, long strand as he moved the knife with almost surgical precision; then cutting it in small cubes at astonishing speed. Mina cleared her throat, handing him a carrot next.

_Do you... like someone here? -she probed. He stopped, knife about to touch the vegetable.

_There are some people i'm willing to spend time with because i find them... interesting, or at least agreeable. -he resumed his chores and reduced the carrot to small pieces- Next.

_I know, but i mean "like" as in... you know. -she finished shyly, hand trembling slightly when his grazed her own; Bane's eyes locking on hers for the first time in the day. He looked away and began cutting.

_No, i don't know. You seem to forget that.

_Are you sure? -she said almost whispering.

_Of course i am.

_Oh. And... wouldn't you like to know? -she blurted, face red.

Alastor stood still, knife in hand. He turned to Mina, who looked at him expectanctly.

_I want to know. -he said, giving a step in her direction. She gasped when his hand rose, nearing her face... and passed from her to take a sharpening stone from the shelf- That's why i'm joining the Corps.

_No! That's not what i mean! I'm talking about... about love, and romance and...! -he shushed her; he didn't like noises while working in the kitchen.

_I don't want to experience love in particular, i want to experience anything Mina. Strong emotions, something that makes me feel... that makes me feel, period. Other than discomfort or a slight sense of pride from my skill, or the satisfaction of... -he left the phrase hanging as he sharpened the blade. Some things she didn't needed to know- What i mean is that whatever i felt up to this day is at best a faint impression of true emotions.

_But why would you choose fear? Why not love?

_Fear sometimes comes in the company of thrill from what i've heard. It's simple, you only need something, or maybe someone, dangerous enough. If anything manages to make me feel fear, it'll be a moment i'll never forget... wether i feel pleased with the results later or not well, at least is a step. But you speak of love... and there are few things more complicated around here.

_Why?

_Love comes from attachement -he answered resuming his cutting- which comes from bonds. Bonds are made -he pointed at the next thing to slice- by spending time with people, enjoying their presence, knowing them. You can't love someone you don't know -he said as he began peeling- and you know nothing of me, nor do i from you. But knowing is not enough; you need to be capable of feeling affection and guess what i don't?

_Never? -she asked with a sad tone- Not even for...?

_Dad saw me as either a worker that lived in his house and was paid with food, or a tool that consumed food three times a day -he intoned, oblivious to her shocked expression-. I think mom was sad at first, then... got used. I was there, and worked. It was profitable, end of question.

_I can't understand.

_Good. Otherwise you'd be like me. Look -he put the knife down and turned to face her- you talk about love as if it was a single thing, recognizable and unmistakeable. But i've watched, studied people since i had the ability to reason decently, and found that love, or attachement or whatever you want to call that is not a thing you can classify as one strong emotion; it has shades, shapes, changes.

_Like what? -she asked defiantly- It's not like you can feel, right? How can you know?

_I've seen the way a young couple walks by the hand down the street oblivious to everyone, i've watched elderly couples who didn't need to speak to understand each other, who bicker and argue about the same things only to break the routine and then calm down and go on like nothing happened -he said without stopping his slicing-. I've witnessed soldiers sit down side to side with comrades who lost friends, family or were just too afraid to fight when the titans breached the walls and consoled them, or feigned courage in hopes of making their friends find their own, and i think that can also be called love. I've seen how parents and children cherish each other and wondered if i would someday find myself in such position. No Mina, i can't feel love. But that doesn't mean i can't see it, just as you can't touch your shadow but you can still see it.

The girl blinked repeatedly, trying to process all he said. In her mind, an image began to form: one of a kid whose days were spent one after the other with only routine to guide him, devoid of all she had in her childhood: games, friends, parents, joy, fights and even tears were unknown land to him.

_Was... was it always like that to you? Your childhood? So empty?

_Aside from reading whatever book i could get and my trips to the nearby forest, yeah. Empty. And i want to see if that can change.

_Why? Why do you want that? -she asked, taking a step forward and looking him in the eye from her lower height. He tilted his head, like a puppy looking at its owner.

_Why? Because i'm curious. Because i want to know what it's like to have your mind go numb or fly to the stars, your heart race or stop on its tracks, what it's like to feel overwhelmed by the odds and what it's like to feel oneself able to take on the whole world and ten more guys. That's why. Now are you going to help me with these or do we wait for Shadis to come and yell at us for the delay?

As if on cue, the door slammed open and Keith appeared, startling Mina and making Bane groan slightly.

_WHAT ARE YOU MAGGOTS TAKING SO LONG FOR?! THE COOKS WERE SUPOSSED TO START TEN MINUTES AGO! MOVE YOUR ASSES OR I'LL HAVE YOU DIGGING TRENCHES THE REST OF THE WEEK!

_Sir yes Sir! We're going now Sir! -Carolina shrieked as she and Alastor hurried to take the cut ingredients to the cooking room.

Watching them go, Shadis couldn't help but to feel a faint sting of pity. The only reason he didn't show up before was because he evasedropped on their conversation. It was true after all: Bane's condition as empty of feelings mesmerized him and at the same time, made him feel a slight envy; so many times he had hoped he could simply lift the charge of the lives of his former subordinates off his shoulders and move on, free from the corpses, the screams and the blood. With a pensive look on his face the old instructor left the building, thinking on how this young man could fit in the Corps and couldn't bring himself to wish him luck at his goal of feeling; he was more valuable as a soldier without such impediments in the battlefield.

_I guess i can only hope for you to do your best, soldier. The rest is up to you. -he mumbled to himself.

Later, finished their cooking chores, both cadets left the building to join the groups on their way to 3DMG practice. Carolina looked thoughtful the whole way to the forest. Once there she grabbed his arm.

_I need to tell you something. I have a crush on you. -Bane looked at her slowly reddenning face briefly before taking his gear.

_Do you now. -It was not a question.

_Yes but... you don't like me do you? -she said resigned.

_I wouldn't go that far -he stated with a raised eyebrow-; you're quite likeable actually. You are nice and cheerful. You brighten my days.

Mina lifted her gaze from the ground, cheeks bright red and eyes wide.

_Truly?

_Yes. I... like to spend time near you, wether you interact with me or others doesn't matter. Your demeanor... the way you are and act is a quite welcome break from the usual seriousness of life here.

Mina smiled at him and then looked down. She raised her head to speak but something got her attention.

_What's that?

When Alastor looked at where she pointed, Mina stood on her tiptoes and placed a kiss on his cheek. He turned to her surprised, to which she shrugged and smirked before leaving to meet the people arriving. Bane sighed softly and, by reflex, touched absently where she kissed him.

Nothing.

A while later Bane had forgotten about it, busy in seeking any targets to slice. The wind soared around him as he swung around the place, followed by other recruits. He narrowed his eyes when he spotted the dummy rise from the ground, attacking before it stood completely, hooking to a tree and swinging upwards in a fluid motion. His performance improved, he was aware of that. Then he saw Mikasa and Annie swing above him, dead set on the next target. Leonhardt was good, yet Mikasa's skill was simply overwhelming since she recovered from the pain of her rejected confession. Both women -Bane pretty much saw them as that, no matter the age- had earned his respect long ago with their strength and dedication.

Shifting his weight to regain control, Alastor followed an alternate route to avoid clashing with the dueling cadets. He didn't think it would be wise to challenge them at the same time. At least not yet. He focused on the nearest dummy and went straight to the nape with a powerful and accurate slash. Turning his head upwards he saw one of the instructor taking notes briefly before pushing forward into the forest, seeking more targets to strike before the time ran out.

Long after training finished and everyone left, Bane stayed on the forest's edge, leaning against a tree. With his eyes closed he seemed to sleep, until he heard steps -spaced, loud and strong- and opened them instantly. He stood straight and turned to the man standing a few meters from him.

_One of the trainers told me you had something to discuss with me... in private. -Shadis said, in a neutral yet somehow intimidating voice. The younger didn't flinch.

_I do, Sir. I have a... proposition.

_A proposition, huh? -Shadis managed not to show any surprise, standing with both hands behind his back as he usually did- And why would i care about it?

_I don't expect you to -he answered with a shrug- but i have to try.

Bane spoke. Shadis listened in polite silence. Once he was done, the older man eyed him with a mix of respect and uncertainty.

_You do realize you're facing a one way road, don't you kid? -he said gravely.

_The only one i could take, yes. -his voice didn't shake. It never did.

_You will have to train harder than ever if that is your choice. Your level right now is not enough. -The corner of Bane's mouth twitched so slightly Shadis didn't see it.

_A task i'm willing to take. Do we have an agreement?

Shadis closed his eyes briefly, then shot a crushing glare to Alastor as he announced his only request, stepping forward with his hand stretched out.

_Don't disappoint me kid.

Grinning like a wolf -Shadis was sure he never saw him do that- Bane shook his hand firmly.

_I won't, SIr.

End of Chapter