Once again we are on the road, headed slowly to the place I have been living, but cannot call home. I feel like she knows I'm avoiding it, the question sits in her eyes, but she never asks. She does, however, talk about anything that comes into her mind. A neverending barrage of questions, comments, statements and nonsensical words. For some reason, I'm enjoying every minute of it.
"I think Argo would appreciate it if you stopped talking. " Argo is shaking her head around in annoyance.
"I don't think Argo likes me." She screws up her face at me.
"Well she has high standards." I pat Argo on the neck..
"Are you saying, I'm not good enough for your horse?" She seems completely flabbergasted by this.
"I didn't , she did." I nod my head at Argo. Gabrielle just glares at me.
"Will you teach me how to use the staff?" She asks, twirling it, then dropping it. It has made for slow going.
"I don't know." I tease her.
"Come on please?" The staff goes flying behind her.
"Well only so you won"t kill people with that thing." I duck as it goes flying over my head.
"Oops." Her hands fly over her mouth.
"Like I was saying." I watch her run to pick the staff up on the other side of Argo. "You're going to kill someone, and most likely it will be me."
"Oh come on. I'm not that bad." She frowns, looking at the weapon in her hands. "But Queen Melosa said I have potential." I try not to laugh and end up snorting.
"Yes, potential." I avoid all eye contact with her. She slaps my leg and continues twirling her staff of death.
Xxxxxxxxxx
"So Xena, what is it like?" I poke the fire embers with a stick.
"What?" She sharpens her sword without fail every night. I watch the muscles in her arms move with each stroke of the stone against steel.
"Your….castle." She hasn't really told me where she lives, I can only guess it's a castle.
"It's bigger than I'd like, but not as big as you'd think."
"That's not very descriptive." I give her a grin when she looks up, but she has a sad sort of smile on her face.
"It sits on land ripe with fruit trees, grape vines, and olive trees. It's no castle, but it is three stories tall with a courtyard, a bath house, stables, and housing for the servants. When I'm not at war, there are barracks for the single men in my army down in the far corner of my land."
"It sounds beautiful." She looks so sad that I move to sit next to her.
"It does, doesn't it."
"So why are you avoiding it?" Xena doesn't look surprised by this question.
"It represents who I was."
"And what are you now?" I watch her face become stoic.
"I honestly don't know." She sighs, putting her blade down beside her. "The darkness, the death…...every night I'm haunted by the things I've done." I touch her arm with my fingertips. She flinches slightly, but doesn't remove them.
"But Xena, you have the power to make things better."
"I have the power to make war!" Her anger seethes before she reigns it back.
"Xena." I take her reluctant hand in mine. "You are so much more than the past. You can be the leader Greece needs."
"I don't want the power anymore! It comes with too much. I've lost myself within it."
"And what will happen when you leave?"
"Someone else will come along. There is always someone else."
"Like Rome?"
"Well what would you have me do, oh all knowing one?" She scowls at me.
"You change."
"It's not that simple!"
"Of course not. But you are already different. Abandoning your people would be selfish." Xena grunts in annoyance.
"So are you a sage as well as a warrior bard?"
"Maybe." I shrug at her. "Mostly I'm Greek, and I don't want Rome destroying what we have."
"So take the lesser of two evils?" She quirks her eyebrow at me.
"The person in front of me is not evil." I reach up, moving hair strands from her face. "An evil person would never have saved me from those slavers."
"Maybe, maybe not."
"You aren't the person you used to be."
"How do you know?"
"Because that person would have killed me or enslaved me by now." She knows the truth, I think she just has a hard time accepting it.
She becomes more sullen as we draw closer to her home. Her whole demeanor changes, as her posture becomes stiff and straight. As we enter her land, we are surrounded on both sides by grape vines, standing in endless rows. There are men and women walking up and down the rows, removing bugs and weeds, checking the grapes, and various other tasks.
The villa itself is a beautiful site made of clay and stone. We enter through an opening in the wall onto a magnificent courtyard. A man appears, immediately grabbing the reins of Argo.
"This is beautiful." I twirl, trying to take it all in. She walks up to the well, pulling up cold water from its depths.
"Alexius!" She shouts before drinking deep. A man comes running down the stairs, stopping with a bow before Xena.
"Lord Conqueror?"
"Send a messenger out to the generals. We'll meet in two days time. Let the aristocrats know I want updates from them all." She commands with no emotion. "Make sure the cooks are aware of our extra guest." He waits a moment, making sure she is done, before scurrying off.
"Is he a slave?" I'm hesitant to ask, but can't help myself. Her head whips my direction, eyes full of darkness.
"I only have freedmen here. I don't control what the Aristocrats do in their polis, but I don't condone the use of sex slaves, not anymore. " I actually feel myself cowering under her words. She is the Lord Conqueror, no question.
"You've never had a sex slave?" Why can't I stop myself.
"Yes, I have." She growls, looking away. "I've had many slaves in my time. But…" She pauses, anger receding once more. "I'm not that person anymore."
"Part of you still is."
"Part of me will always be Gabrielle!" Taking a deep breath, she looks at me again. "I can't change the darkness in my heart."
"One of these days I'm going to prove you wrong." She actually smiles at this.
"I would love to see that happen."
Xxxxxxxxx
I see her to the bathhouse, and recede into my room on the top floor. As soon as we got close to my land, I could feel myself getting lost in my darkness. I fall too easily into this role of supreme commander, of Lord Conqueror. The feeling of terror is all too new to me, and I'm terrified Gabrielle is going to see me as I truly am. Damon enters the room, bearing clean clothes and towels. He helps to remove the clasps on my clothing.
"Lord Conqueror. What are your wishes with the Lady?" I wonder what she thinks of that title.
"Give her a new tunic and cloak, make sure the weavers see that it fits. We'll have our meal on my private terrace." He leaves me to attend to the tasks. Tonight I'll dress in my best tunic, white with gold clasps and trimming. Why not show her the other sides of me.
The sound of the distant waves lull me into a small sense of comfort. Leaning against the low wall, I let my eyes close and open up my senses. The smell of salt water, fruit trees and dirt permeates the night air. There's no movement, except for the occasional night creature, scurrying about. Then the sound of sandals echoing against the tile floor alerts me to my visitor.
I turn to the vision of a beautiful woman, not the simple farm girl I rode in with. Her cheeks begin to turn crimson, obviously not completely comfortable in her new clothes. A red tunic graces her body in all the right places, her hair braided above her head like a crown. She looks like the princess she has just become.
"Do you like it?" Gabrielle asks, doing a little twirl. I feel my eyebrow raise of its own accord, and I smile despite myself.
"It looks good on you." Her eyes look me up and down.
"Wow, you look different."
"I don't wear armor all the time." I smirk at her.
"It's a good thing." She moves closer, her fingertips on my arm. There alway seems to be a cause for touch. "It's so beautiful here." Looking around for the first time she notices the terrace is lit by strategically placed torches, giving just the right amount of light. The lattice work above us is crawling with vines that add to the shade during the day. I direct her to the small table, generally only used by me, that sits in the center of it all.
"I have a main dining area, but I thought you might like this." Sitting opposite her, I recline back in my chair as we wait for the food.
"Thank you." She looks at me in wide eyed wonder.
"If you are serious about being a bard, I can make sure you get new scrolls and ink."
"Why would you do this for me?" Finally, the question I've been waiting for. Leaning forward I try to form the words for what I'm experiencing.
"You challenge me, believe in the good in me, you don't bow before me." Her eyes narrow a bit as she takes in these words. "You make me feel like a person." Again, I continue to confess and expose myself too easily to her.
"No Xena." She emphasizes my name with a smile. "You'll see that you have more heart than anyone knows."
"Except you know?"
"Except me." She shrugs, grinning back at me now. "Now where's the food?"
The time passes easily, with talk about her childhood and mine, and a continuous flow of food and port. I give in to the good memories, avoiding the bad ones. Tonight is not the night for that. She is a simple farm girl in some respects, but so very different in many others.
"You dream big." I remark after we move to the bench, the food long gone.
"Is there any other way?" She"s looking at the dark sky, lit up by stars.
"You know, those are the heroes favored by the God's. "
"So many." She whispers.
"Greece produces many heroes, some of them are bound to be favored."
"Do you think you'll end up there?" She asks seriously.
"I doubt it, I've angered too many of them." I chuckle at the thought.
"Are you really Ares chosen one?" I consider whether or not answering.
"Yes. You don't get where I am without his favor. War and death, that's what he lives for." His name does nothing but bring bad memories.
"I'm sorry." She whispers quietly, putting her hand over mine. It catches me off guard.
"For what?" For the first time I really look into her eyes. They sparkle with the light of an unburdened soul.
"I shouldn't of brought him up." How did she read me so easily? I know my face showed nothing, it's something I'm very good at.
"So you're an Amazon Princess." I choose to deflect, moving my hands from hers. Hurt flickers across her face for the briefest moment. "Do you want to sit in with me when I speak to my generals?"
"Are you sure?" Her face lights up again. I shrug as if it's no big deal.
"Might as well start learning how to lead. We'll have dinner, and after, the boring talk." I wink at her. Hades, I'm so different with her. "You might want to get some sleep, we start your staff training tomorrow." Suddenly she lunges forward, wrapping her arms around me.
"Thank you so much." Her voice is muffled by my tunic. With some hesitation at first, I eventually return the hug.
