Chapter 19
Bane stood blocking Hange and Mina's path to the door, his arms crossed while his cold eyes went from one to the other.
_This is my room. -he said in a low voice, yet in a tone which held the strength of a shout- And that is my private journal. I demand an explanation.
The two women glanced at each other and Mina spoke before Hange could tell her otherwise.
_But Han... Squad Leader Zoe told me you were suppossed to give her your notes, that's why i helped her search through all, uh, this mess.
Alastor's head turned slowly to look at the slightly cowering woman still holding his notebook, who inhaled through her teeth looking at the void.
_I... -she began, stopped and sighed- might have used a wrong phrasing. I told Mina i recquired your journal, but you never told me where you had it, which is true...
_Because i wasn't planning ever to. -he answered instantly.
_... and she assumed i had your permission. But Alastor -Hange said eyeing him with suspicion- if your notes have anything we could use, don't you think it's fair for us to read them? Or is there something you don't want us to know?
He remained still a few seconds, taking deep breaths while looking down, and Hange hoped her argument would be solid enough to persuade him to consider considering his apparent complete commitment to the Corps and her strong hunch his journal could have more than mere notes given how he reacted when she had a chance to read; not to mention the notes, according to what she managed to read hastily, spoke of Eren up to the the time of his first transformation. And then he bowed his head in defeat.
_Fine. You win, you can read it.
_Good! -she said joyful- Now if you excuse me...
_No. -he cut her- Read it here. In front of her.
_Why? Didn't you say this was secret?
_Something i see is not respected here. -he answered with acid tone- And since you dragged Mina into this, she has the right to know. Begin, at any page you want.
Zoe glanced at the poor girl, who was red from shame and anxiety, and decided confronting Bane further would be to push her luck too much so she went straight to the point and searched without paying attention until she reached his notes on Jaeger and began reading.
_"Eren Jaeger" -she intoned like a child reading to a teacher- "Bold, idealistic and honest, to the point of being stubborn..."
The woman went on until she reached the part where he mentioned his condition of titan, point at which she took a deep breath and resumed.
_"Despite everything, his newfound condition hasn't changed his nature. He remains as driven and bold as always... if not even more" -she read- "I wonder if i someday will be able to show such bravery, to commit my life and soul to a cause with the same fire he sports in his heart".
_That's so sweet. -Mina chirped weakly, glancing at him then at Zoe- Squad Leader, can we stop here? I think he's embarrased at having it read aloud.
_Don't you dare. -he replied in the moment- Proceed until the end, Zoe.
Hange barely glanced at him, blush starting to appear on her cheeks as she went on.
_"His display of bravery is different from others: it's fierce and straightforward, unlike Armin's unsure but relentless pushing or Kirstein's grim but capable leading despite his fear. It seems my quest to understand emotions and feelings becomes more and more complex and interwined: bravery can show mixed with of a bit of cowardice , or at more accurately uncertainty, or completely devoid of it; yet both are undeniably part of the same feeling, the one that is associated with those who face the odds with dignity even at the gates of death."
_And?
_It's over. -Hange said bitterly- I thought...
_You thought i had the guts to make notes on Eren's condition and develop theories i wouldn't share with you. -he replied coldly- Despite being possibly vital in our mission.
_I... yes. I'm sorry.
_Whose idea was to put Izan on my team today? -he asked suddenly- I assume it was to make the session longer and distract me from thinking about my notes by focusing on training the rookie.
Hange's eyes widened a bit and she hesitated before sighing and looking down.
_Erwin's. -she mumbled- Once i told him my thoughts he decided to have you as busy as possible while i checked your journal. Speaking of which, why...?
Bane raised his left hand to show the bundle of wire he held since his equipment's failure.
_Gear malfunction. I neglected its maintenance for some time since i chose to focus on your tests on Eren and data recopilation. -he paused then added, just to twist the knife- Not that it really matters to you as i just found out.
Zoe looked clearly embarrased as she looked at Mina apologetically for tangling her in such mess, then turned to look at him.
_I apologize if...
_Save it. -he said- And get out. You stay Mina, you'll help me organize this as it was before.
_I think i should aid you. -Zoe insisted- She has nothing to do with this, only followed orders.
_Which implies no ill intention from her. -he pointed- And unlike her, i have no trust in you for the time being. Now... get... out.
The last three words were said in an increasingly strained tone and the woman stared at him surprised at the sudden display of cold anger. She nodded at the clearly offended scout and left his journal on his nighttable before leaving; she was on the doorframe when he spoke once more.
_Squad Leader.
_Yes? -she inquired turning to look at him, but Alastor remained with his back on her.
_I request to be left out of tomorrow's experiments, if it is possible.
Hange's features shook momentarily, but she controlled herself and nodded.
_Permission granted. I'll... i'll inform Commander Smith of it.
Once she was gone, Bane looked around checking on the documents they'd misplaced in their search then glanced at Mina.
_Start by ordering those. -he said pointing at a smaller pile- By date.
_Yes. -she mumbled and hurried to work- Sorry about... sorry.
_It's not your fault. -he said and began ordering another stash of papers while avoiding her gaze; it became momentarily hard to control himself after Hange left.
And if Mina saw him smile, all his work would have been in vain.
The moment he picked up his journal from the floor the day before, Bane knew his investigation could be in danger if Zoe developed interest on his thoughts on Jaeger. Even if he didn't think she'd ask for his journal without a very solid reason he felt leaving it to luck would be a terrible mistake, and something had to be done in case his superiors asked to see what he wrote; with people as curious as Hange and cunning as Smith, he could not allow himself to relax and assume his safety. He had to do something
Fortunately his brain had acted as quickly as his hand before, and immediately began considering options as he gathered documents in her office. The faster one would be getting rid of his notes, but it would only make it more suspicious; the second one was hiding them, but he couldn't be sure it would work always even if he changed the hiding place, nor if they'd try to do something so invasive. Yet his mind was certain she had interest in reading it: in the best scenario it would just be her childlike curiosity speaking, but something told the cold youngster Hange was smarter than that and would quickly relate his notes on Eren with his so far successful attempts at helping him control his powers. And hiding his notes would be equal to admit there was something he wanted no one to know.
Then what? he wondered as he searched.
And as ironic as it might seem, searching gave him the answer: among the chaotic heaps of stuff, he found a couple of notepads and journals still unused, showing but a light wearing on the leathery cover of some, probably forgotten amidst the erratic bouts of research. Bane quickly placed them under other books and files on his "to read" lot and kept seeking more documents, not wishing to arise any suspicions until he left her study. As soon as he got to his room however, he locked the door for precaution and started working.
He took one of the journals out of the lot and measured it against his own: luckily they were of the same kind and size only in different colours. Bane then searched among his equipment for the tools they gave all soldiers to maintain their gear as well as their uniforms while also taking a small knife for survival excercises he had and using it to carefully cut the glued section holding the pages on both notebooks little by little, a task he finished a short while later. Next Bane grabbed a small pot with glue used to repair a combat boot's sole when it peeled off and with care used it to join his journal's pages to the other book's cover, doing the same procedure with the unused one. He felt grateful the glue didn't have a too remarkable smell as he waited for it to dry, and once that was done came the more delicate part. He took the first journal, opened it aside the fake one and was about to start writing when he looked around, stood up and began taking documents and placing them on his small desk, his bed and some on his nighttable to make it look as if he'd been reading them. Satisfied, he resumed his task.
September 847
Arrived at military training camp. Attempt of intimidation from trainer Shadis unsuccessful. Short course on physical training. Tiring but not exhausting, earlier conditioning proven useful. Comrades distrustful of or repelled by my emotionless nature. Met Connie Springer, hit him with my plate.
Bane continued writing as time passed, completely focused on his task until he saw it was near dinner time and headed for the hall; before leaving he took the still unfinished journal with his original's cover with him and pretended to read it as he entered, knowing Hange would most likely notice his action. He ate quietly as always, not giving any signs of change in his behaviour until he was once more in his room and resumed his task. It didn't take him long to copy most of his journal up to the point of reaching Eren's part. Smiling a bit, he wrote up to the point before of his experience with fear and thought about his next lines, deciding to write something he believed but regarded as secondary since Jaeger's ability showed for the first time.
Despite everything, his newfound condition hasn't...
He kept writing until past midnight, adding more notes on other people he didn't really deem relevant but still could make it seem as if his journal focused solely in studying the behaviour of his comrades, as it originally was. With a nod, he left the fake journal partially hidden but still easy to find among a small number of papers while the real one was buried amidst a bigger group still to read; he was about to go to sleep when he thought about the possibility of them reading his journal without his permission, something they could only achieve when he wasn't nearby which meant would be done in his 3DMG practice. If so, he needed an excuse to return and check if his journal was missing so he had a reason to confront Zoe; otherwise he'd never be sure wether they tried something and his plan worked or his superiors didn't fall for it despite his precautions. Considering this he got to work on his equipment, knowing very well the same tools he used to maintain it could easily be used to sabotage it.
Back in the present, the soldier ordered documents and eyed reports as he did to see if there was any valuable information among Zoe's ramblings and notes when Mina called his name.
_What is it? -he asked, noticing her slight blush when she looked away.
_Just wanted to know... does your journal speak of all the people you've met?
_The ones i consider relevant enough. -he clarified and she nodded slowly.
_And did you... did you write about me?
He stared at the girl a few seconds before picking his journal from the small table, then flipped through it up to a certain point and offered it to Carolina. She took it anxiously without a word and began reading. Alastor had read the first lines to remind himself of what he wrote about her.
Cheerful and always willing to lend a hand; average skill but works steadily. Encouraging of others, is not easily swayed by difficulties during training. At times leads other recruits involuntarily if also somewhat erratically: could make a good second in command in a small group.
His other notes spoke mostly of what little they interacted, mostly observing the evolution of her performance, except for a small passage he decided to add midway to make it look more intimate and humane to other readers. The corners of his mouth twitched a bit when her eyes widened at the line.
_You... wrote about my kiss. -she whispered, blushing intensely. Alastor shrugged.
_It was the first time someone kissed me out of the blue. -he told the girl, who held the journal against her chest.
_And?
_Well, it felt nice; I mean it was a kiss. Can you give it to me now?
Mina nodded and gave a step towards him but then suddenly halted and eyed him hesitantly.
_C-can i... can i write something on it?
Bane frowned and was about to deny when he remembered that journal was fake and nodded his permission; Carolina beamed instantly and skipped to his desk where she hurried to use his pen and scribbled something. When she finished Mina closed the journal and handed it to him, and was about to say something when she pointed at something behind him.
_What about those?
Alastor turned to look and, just like that first time, she got on her tiptoes and planted a kiss on his cheek then bolted away and closed the door with a giggle while he stared with a surprised look. Bane blinked a few times then touched where she kissed him, also like back in camp. But...
It happened again: just like with Eren, a spark had run through his system in an instant; just like in that ocassion his heart raced. Only that now a pleasing warmth overtook him, a sensation so vivid he had to sit when his head became slightly dizzy from the stimulation. It lasted a few seconds but this time he couldn't hold to it as it vanished and he felt confused and slightly bitter. What had that been? And why did his ability act without him triggering it? Not wasting a second he stood up and locked the door to avoid any unwanted visitors and readied his true journal to write about this new experience. However, just as he was about to begin he remembered Carolina had written something down and on a whim decided to check what it was; he opened the fake journal and searched for the latest entry, easy to discern by the different handwriting. Aside from the day's date, she had written a single line; Alastor found himself staring at it briefly then at his real notes before shaking his head with a soft smile on his lips and copying it at the beginning of his own summary.
_Mina... kissed me... again... -he whispered as he wrote.
His quest had become even more complicated, and now extended to other people aside from shifters since he was sure Mina wasn't one of them; not only that, but apparently he wasn't completely in control of what was transmitted and to or from whom. Bane realized he needed to train his skill.
Luckily for him, he had the whole Corps to do so.
End of chapter.
