Unintentional Hero
Author: Nightstar Fury of Nightstar Productions
Rated: M for a variety of things that will happen
Pairing: Hiccup/Astrid
Disclaimer: I do not own HTTYD
67; By Your Side
-Hayden's POV-
I couldn't do it anymore, I just couldn't. Death everywhere I looked, my friends telling me that I killed them, the nightmares, the flashbacks, being unable to sleep and eat right. I just couldn't do it anymore and I wanted it to stop, I wanted the pain to end for good. After leaving the War Zone seeing all the deaths, seeing that I lost it during a game, I just knew I was done. I attacked my own friends as if I were still in war, mercilessly. I didn't see them, I saw enemies. When I got to the apartment I just hit my knees and cried uncontrollably-I found the bottle of soco and just started taking shots to numb the pain but it didn't work. I tried cutting-I'd been doing it for about two months and hiding it with long sleeve shirts-but that wasn't enough either. I couldn't stand this pain anymore-I wanted to feel nothing. I knocked over a few things too and found the box that had the dog tags of my fallen friends-seeing them there all I heard were their voices telling me to join them, and we'd all be together again just like old times. There wouldn't be anymore more pain, no more hurt, no more anything. I couldn't this anymore, I knew that now. No matter what I did, I would never be able to live normally with it weighing on me the way it did. I grabbed my gun from the closet and loaded it with the clip, I wrote a short note and left it on the living room table along with my dog tags in line with the others.
I let the tears fall from my eyes as I raised the gun to my head, eyes closed and then...
"HAYDEN, NO!" I heard then felt myself get tackled done and the gun kicked from reach, I fought and struggled in Theo's arms-crying hard and just pleading him to let me go so I could end it. I didn't deserve to live after all my friends died because of me. I didn't know who else was there and I didn't care either, I just wanted to die. I wanted to stop remembering everything. I wanted to die. "Ssh...it's alright, Hayden...it's okay now...just relax...please..." I heard Theo soothe. I didn't know how long I struggled for though it was no good against Theo-I felt really tired as he restrained me, things were getting dark and blurry around me and finally I felt my body give out and it went black around me.
-End Hayden's POV-
They watched as Hayden yell, cry, and struggle for close to fifteen minutes before his arms gave out and his head dropped as he was motionless. Theo slowly let go and checked his pulse and breathing, "He's alive, just knocked out right now...Gimme a hand with him guys..." Theo said as he carefully went to pick up Hayden with help from Ethan and Dylan.
"He just...tried to kill himself..." Avery felt weak in the knees as she made her way over to him-tears in her eyes.
"I should have seen the signs months ago, I knew something was wrong...he's been too quiet and distant-just like Tarelto had been...Anderson's death set him over the edge, that's why he snapped. Those nightmares were way to deep for him to be okay...I should have known it wasn't right when he pulled that gun the morning of my wedding...His PTSD is way worse than I thought...I mean we all deal with it but...Hayden just keeps it to himself, acts like he's okay when he really isn't." Theo sighed.
"You can't blame yourself man, none of us knew..." Dylan said now.
"What...do we do now? Take him to the hospital for attempted suicide?" Heather asked.
"No...he doesn't need that right now, he'll just shut down on them and be stuck in there longer," Palmer stated.
"Call Gerald and Valora over. Gobber and Maria too. Hayden's not going to be out for very long and I doubt he'll remember what happened given how upset he was...he's so tired physically and emotionally. It's time for intervention...he's not going to like it but he needs it. He doesn't need doctors, hospitals, or anything like that...he needs family, friends, and support. That's the only way he's going to start getting better...he needs to talk about what happened. We know most of it but not from his side..." Theo sighed.
"But he's told us about all the deaths..." Camille said but Jasmine shook her head.
"Not from his side of it. Sure we all see death, but it's different when its you behind the gun doing it...Like...Avery, what did you feel when you shot that soldier who tried to kill Hayden...?" Jasmine asked now.
"I felt...terrible. I know why I did it, to save him but afterwards I just...felt like a murderer and that...Hayden wouldn't of been hurt if I'd just stayed in Berk instead of going to Afghanistan...he even told me that if anyone was the murderer it was..." she stopped looking back at Hayden now with wide eyes, "him...he said it right to my face."
"Exactly we know what he's told us or we've seen ourselves but we don't see the war he fights with himself. To Hayden, he's not in Berk...he's still in Afghanistan or Iraq." Sanchez said.
"Well he's not going to fight alone anymore, we're going to help him. I can tell he's been drinking, we only left him alone for about twenty minutes...and I don't see any bottles," Camille said softly now as she rubbed Avery's back.
"I do..." Ethan said bending down and pulling out an empty bottle of Southern Comfort.
"He's had that a while, last I saw that it was less than half full..." Jasmine informed lightly.
"Least he didn't have enough to kill him, could be due to him to passing out tho. Let's get everyone over here...we gotta do this when he wakes up or he's just going to take off and keep trying," Theo sighed softly, they all looked at him. Camille called her parents and had them call Gobber, then Jasmine called Maria-all of which were just asked to come over and they'd explain when they arrived, they said it involved Hayden and was pretty big-this was enough to get them all to leave their jobs or what they were doing to come over. Chairs had been set up, everyone was just watching him sleep-if it could be called that. Even knocked out, he was still having nightmares.
"He's sweating...we should take his uniform off, at least the coat..." Ethan said, agreeing with him-Theo got up and lifted Hayden as they could remove his outer coat but what they saw shocked them. All along his arms were cut marks, some old, and some fresh as in that day too.
"He's been cutting? We see him...every day..." Avery whimpered out. Theo didn't say anything, he just had Jasmine bring the first aid kid as Theo applied cream and wrapped Hayden's wrists-then there was a knock on the door as Jasmine opened the door and let in Gerald, Valora, Gobber, and Maria-who had Hayden Fury with her.
"Welcome...please come inside," Jasmine offered allowing them in, they saw Hayden on the couch, his arms wrapped while they found a seat.
"What's going on?" Valora asked.
"Intervention for Hayden when he wakes up...he tried to kill himself about half hour ago. He's been cutting, drinking, distant...we got to him before he pulled the trigger, held him about fifteen minutes when he just cried, struggled, yelled until he blacked out..." Theo sighed heavily as his parents gasped, so did Gobber and Maria. "It's pretty bad...and we don't even know how deep it goes or where it started..."
"I told him to talk to me if he felt like that..." Gobber lowered his head.
"You knew he was having trouble?" Gerald asked looking towards his friend.
"I knew he was having trouble, I didn't know it's gotten this bad...the lad hasn't told me anything about how's he been feeling since his twenty-four hour pass. All he asked me was how I live my life after war..." Gobber sighed heavily.
"This isn't just trouble guys...he tried to kill himself, he wrote a note and everything. He's been suffering for Thor only knows how long and I don't know about the rest of you...but I'm not losing my brother," Theo said looking back at Hayden who was still making pained facial expressions in his sleep-Theo could tell he was stuck in another nightmare but didn't want to wake him up and risk him freaking out again. Hayden was already going to be upset or pissed when he woke up and saw them all there staring at him. "When he wakes up, you can't jump him, or yell at him...everyone just has to stay quiet and let him wake up on his own and realize where he is,"
"We will...we just want him to be okay," Camille nodded, Avery was just quiet, her eyes were on the gun on the table-completely unloaded though.
Hayden continued to move around slightly, head turning side to side, him breathing heavily and mumbling something about someone not dying there. Theo had to assume it was a nightmare as he got up and crouched on the floor. "Hayden...it's okay bro...it's alright. I know it's dark where you are-listen to me, it's Theo...follow me bud, come back to us..." Theo said softly.
"I thought you said not to wake him," Ethan stated.
"I'm not, I'm helping him get out. In PTSD, I'm sure Valora and Gobber can confirm-a lot of nightmares involve being lost in the darkness, seeing your worst fears come to life, seeing people die over and over again, seeing things differently than how they actually happened. With PTSD, you are trapped in your own mind, a prisoner of it and when bad enough, you don't know how to find your way out, basically meaning you can't wake yourself up...it's like...sleep paralysis. You know you want out but you can't get out." Theo explained.
"He needs to know we're here for him, that he isn't alone..." Gobber added nodding, "Come on now lad, you're safe, you're not alone. We're all here waiting for you," not long after that was said, Hayden's body seemed to settle-his face resting more calmly. Avery wiped the sweat from his forehead and cheeks as she closed her eyes sadly, "Don't worry lass, he'll be alright...after he talks about what's bothering him, he'll feel better. He's bottling it-he thinks he's okay when he's distracted but in the mind-we can't protect him there."
"But he was...fine with us before, we were having such a good time." Heather said.
"That's how it goes, he's burying it so he acts fine when he really isn't. I actually think he was fine until the second round of laser tag...by the way, what the hell, Seth..." Theo mumbled.
"What did I do?" Seth asked.
"You made him remember Tarelto killing himself with your little stunt of taking yourself out when TJ got trapped under the quote-unquote debris..." Avery scoffed with her arms crossed over her chest.
"Oops..." Seth looked down.
"For the love of Thor if you people are going to argue, will you take it outside..." came Hayden's voice which got them all to be quiet and look at him as he sat up slowly holding his head with a groan. "It's my fault, I told myself I couldn't handle laser tag after I read up on it. I just did it because I didn't want anyone to worry..." he mumbled.
"Why didn't you tell us, we wouldn't of minded finding something else to do," Theo put his hand up now and looked at Hayden slowly.
"Hayden...how much do you remember of the last few hours?" Theo asked him.
"Laser tag, coming here, taking a few shots, that's it..." Hayden shrugged slightly looking around the room noticing all of his friends and family were there looking at him sadly, his eyes fell to the table were the dog tags were, the note and the disassembled gun. An empty bottle of Southern Comfort too-what the fuck had happened? He didn't remember anything after taking a few shots. His eyes fell on his wrists and his widened a bit now, "Hang the hell on...what are all of you doing here,"
"Hayden...you...um..." Camille started biting her bottom lip as Gobber got up and sat beside him now.
"Lad...we're here because we know you aren't okay and need help after what happened. You tried to end your life," Hayden's eyes widened more as he began to piece it together. The note, the gun, the empty bottle, his wrists wrapped and the dog tags out. Hayden lowered his head-bringing his hands to it as he shook it while the memories came flooding back of him getting him, writing the note, and grabbing the gun to kill himself with.
"Son..." Gerald said, Gobber shook his head.
"Let him work through it, Gerald...he has too. He can't keep burying it, he has to see it, he has to face it, and fight it. It's the only way he's gonna get better or this will just get worse..." Gobber instructed.
"I don't see how this helps him!" Gerald argued.
"Because if he doesn't face that his burying his pain almost made him kill himself, if he doesn't see that it's driving him that low then he won't accept he has a problem, and he won't get help for it and if we force him to get help...he'll just shut down and we don't want that...so relax. We got this...you haven't been military-you don't know how much this sucks and we've all had to deal with it. Every soldier in this room, even your wife." Gobber mentioned.
"Val didn't go through this," Gerald remarked.
"Because she got help early. When soldiers return from war, they have forced into psych evaluations to see where their head is at. Everyone deals with it differently though, Hayden felt like it was part of the job so he pushed it aside until his friends started dying under his command, and he began to blame himself...that's clear enough in his note. The problem is, Hayden has been on four tours in six years alone and we have no idea how long he's been pushing this back..." Theo sighed.
"He tried to kill himself, he needs to be on suicide watch..." Sanchez said, "It's military protocol, Holgerson...if this gets out that we didn't get him admitted, all our asses are fried..."
"He'll shut down, he won't talk to them...he'll talk to us. We're his friends and family, he needs us right now not doctors who are just gonna drug him to the point he can't think straight," Ethan remarked.
"He already can't think straight, we're talking right in front of him and he can't even hear us." Palmer added, "Haddock isn't here right now, he's in Iraq or Afghanistan-still fighting a war."
"Listen to me...when Tarelto killed himself, Hayden buried it and broke down when he got to talk to Anderson-who wasn't a medical professional, he was just a really good friend to Hayden, practically family. Hayden talked to him, he'll talk to us...Hayden has a lot of pride is all, he doesn't like to ask for help," Theo sighed.
"Well Evans, Boggs, and Greenhalgh are coming to check on him tomorrow." Shaw stated.
"Haddock was discharged from active duty because of what happened, because Anderson died for him. Hayden snapped, he disobeyed direct orders to stand down and he launched his own attack, one where he captured the Iraqi army leader, forced him to his knees with a gun to his head and made him surrender. Specifically said 'say it or die', and he said it with no emotion...this guy, as strong as he is-he can't handle this and we're not professionals so we shouldn't be trying to make him better either," Shaw said calmly.
"I don't like seeing him like this either, but I don't want to fuck up and make it worse. Making him talk about everything in one afternoon could break him beyond repair-if he's not already at that point given he tried to shoot himself like Tarelto did," Palmer sighed. Avery sighed as she crouched in front of Hayden and her her hands on his hands to try and have him stop shaking his head back and forth.
"Ssh baby, it's okay...come back to us. No one is going to hurt you anymore, you're safe and so are all of us because of you...it's alright now, calm down...I'm with you-me, Avery, your fiance. The girl you're getting married to in two months..." Avery said softly as she stroked his cheek with her thumb. "No one is mad at you-we're just scared and worried for you, we don't want you to die and leave us. We need you...I need you." Hayden's shaking lightened slightly as Avery carefully pulled his arms down and held his hands gently. Hayden was still not there, they knew he wasn't with them right now, he was with his fallen friends. Avery took a deep breath, "I cry and you comfort me. I'm lost and you hear my scream. So it's hard to watch you falling. When you run so deep in me...You live in me." she watched his shaking stop and his hands began to hold hers.
"Gonna stand by your side now. Let me kiss all your tears away. You can stay in my arms now. And I know I can make you believe again..." Avery sang to Hayden who only sat there listening, his head lifted slightly to look at her, smiling at him and rubbing his hand.
"I walk, but you can run through fire. I search for reasons, and baby you inspire. But I know somebody hurt you...And I know you really need a friend...Well you can take my hand." Avery lifted her head looking into his eyes, no one really expected her to start singing to him-or that it was apparently working, "Gonna stand by your side now. Let me kiss all your tears away. You can stay in my arms now. And I know I can make you believe again..."
"So when you're feeling like you can't go on! Don't you know you never walk alone no! And you live in me...Gonna stand by your side now! Let me kiss all your tears away...You can stay in my arms now! And I know I can make you believe again!" she smiled at her fiance as he just looked at her sadly, eyes full of regret. He'd almost killed himself-and left them all behind, including the woman he loved more than anything else. He expected her to be afraid, crying, and begging him to get help-but instead she was there in front of him, singing to try and calm him down.
"I'm gonna stand, stand by your side! Kiss all your tears away tonight. I'm gonna stand, stand by your side. Make you believe again...I wanna look in your eyes now and see you smiling...See you smiling again..." Avery put her hand to his cheek as he just leaned forward and hugged her tightly-Avery sighed in relief almost as she sat up on her knees and hugged him back. "It's okay, Hayden...you don't have to be so strong all the time-you can cry with us. We're your family and friends-we'd never judge you and we just want you to be okay again," Avery whispered to him. That seemed to be all it took-Hayden's body began to shake but not due to flashbacks or memories this time, he buried his head against his fiance's shoulder and started crying. Avery just held him, Theo had his hand on Hayden's shoulder-Gobber was rubbing Hayden's back lightly. If this is all any of them could do-was sit there and wait for Hayden to cry it out for a while, to understand that they were there for him and would continue to be, then this is what they'd do. For Hayden to have any hope at all of getting better-then he had to know he wasn't alone and that they'd be there for him, that they wanted to help if he only allowed them too.
Hayden had figured out why they were there, for intervention because of his attempt to kill himself. It took him getting this low with suffering endlessly to see that he really did have a problem. Drinking, cutting, burying his feelings until it consumed him to the point of trying to take his own life. And though everyone was there for what he assumed was intervention for him-they weren't scolding him, or forcing him to do anything, they were just being there for him but he knew it wouldn't stay that way. They wanted him to talk about everything, and he would. If they were willing to do this for him, then he could tell them what happened-and hopefully it would help because he didn't want to feel this way anymore.
