Unintentional Hero

Author: Nightstar Fury of Nightstar Productions

Rated: M for a variety of things that will happen

Pairing: Hiccup/Astrid

Disclaimer: I do not own HTTYD

68; Tell Us

Hayden didn't know how long he'd cried for-he didn't show anyone his face while he did it, he kept it buried in Avery's shoulder but after a while the cries became softer, then to whimpers, finally to silent sobs before he just kept his head there while Theo and Gobber stayed close to comfort him as well. He wasn't ashamed that he cried, he did it when Oivind, Ritka, Matthews, Lennox, Tarelto, and Anderson had died. Normally he didn't let people see him cry but he knew somehow he wasn't going to get away with just hiding out in darkness to cry alone-no his fiance, family, and friends probably weren't going to let him out of their sight for the next two weeks until they knew he was cleared to be by himself. When Anderson put him on suicide watch, it was for three days-making sure he ate and slept, also talked about whatever was bothering him. Given this just became intervention, he knew they were going to make him tell them everything he was feeling. Hayden finally pulled himself off Avery and used the palms of his hands to wipe his eyes.

"I'm sorry..." he whispered to her.

"Don't be sorry for being human, Hayden...I'm sorry too, I'm your fiance and I didn't even see how much you were suffering and I should have..." Avery replied.

"I should have told you...told anyone..." Hayden looked down, his eyes trailed to the gun again and closed his eyes as Gobber understood. The man got up and lifted the gun, the note, and empty bottle to move them out of sight for Hayden before returning and sitting beside him.

"You know why we're here, don't you lad?" Gobber asked.

"Yeah...and I won't fight it-I know I have issues..." Hayden sighed heavily.

"Well it's good you've recognized you have a problem, that's always the first step. This is intervention, Hayden. Top help you. We know you have nightmares, flashbacks, and it's all due to severe PTSD. You've been trying to hide it, and say you're okay when you know you're not. So what we want you to do...is to tell us everything. What the nightmares are like, flashbacks, thoughts, feelings...and we don't want you to hold back either. We're your friends and family-we aren't gonna judge you, Theo said to him.

Hayden nodded to him, "Lets get him some water, and something to eat. He was drinking, and didn't eat lunch..." Avery offered.

"Don't want you getting dehydrated and pass out on us..." Gobber mentioned as Valora returned with a sandwich and water bottle, "Eat it slow or you'll make yourself sick," he reminded. Hayden nodded, he didn't say anything as he just ate the sandwich-then sipped the water bottle between bites. It only took him about fifteen minutes before he just closed his eyes, "And that would be the headache. Jasmine, would you be a dear and get the aspirin?"

"Of course," Jasmine nodded as she went to get up but Hayden stood anyway-slow since he wobbled a bit.

"I'll get them since I have use the bathroom anyway-and no I don't need an escort..." he stated moving down the hall to the bathroom.

"Well at least he's not arguing with us on it..." Theo said.

"I think he realized now that his PTSD is out of hand, and he's always wanted help but I don't think he knew how to ask for it," Maria offered, "Harry had a hard time after his first few tours too, but I asked him to get help so he did. He was actually seeing a psychiatrist before he died," they heard the bathroom door open as Hayden went to his room, shut the door, then came back out-changed out of his BDU and into civilian clothes. Black jeans, pair of socks, and long sleeve shirt and sat back down on the couch.

"Feel a little better now?" Avery asked him, he gave a short nod to her.

"You ready to start?" Gobber asked him.

"I guess..." Hayden shrugged.

"Well first we want to ask a few things, then you can tell us everything okay?" Theo told him. Hayden nodded to him, "When did this start? Not just the suicidal thoughts but the entire PTSD as a while. First tour, second?"

"First tour..." Hayden admitted.

"That was six years ago man...really should have held it in this long," Palmer sighed.

"Was it when Oivind died?" Jasmine asked, she knew she hadn't been in the military at that point but Hayden had told her Oivind was the first friend he'd ever lost to war.

"No...I handled that pretty okay," Hayden said now.

"Alright, now...the cutting, when did that start?" Theo asked.

"Two months ago...after your wedding," he looked down at his covered arms now.

"I'm just going to assume that the drinking escalated from casual to alcoholic over time?" Gobber asked, Hayden nodded to him. "Have you tried to kill yourself any other times than today?"

"No...only time I ever had the desire to was after...Tarelto died," Hayden replied lightly, "but Harry helped me through that one..."

"We know, we remember. Harry was always someone you could go to when you were upset-and he was always the one to calm ya down," Theo mentioned, "We know what happened to him, Hayden. Palmer, Sanchez, and Shaw told us that you got removed from active duty because of you losing it on the battle field. We didn't know that, we didn't know what happened until earlier today. That's how we knew something was wrong and came rushing, these three showed up at the mall and asked us how you'd been. They told us that Anderson's death is why you were taken off active duty. They told us what happened to him, what you saw-and we rushed here and saw what you were going to do."

"I just..." he started.

"It's okay, we understand now but you have to know how much that scared us. Scared me, Hayden. You're like a brother to me-and I handled losing all the others because I know I had you still, my first friend ever. I didn't have friends before you, I made friends because of you. If I'd lost you, I might not of recovered because I wouldn't have you to help me just like you now have lost Anderson and he's not here to help you." Theo said.

"He died saving me, twice...and there was nothing I could do to stop him," Hayden shut his eyes tightly.

"Hey, don't do that to yourself. It's not your fault...besides, right now might not be the best time to go into detail about it..." Theo said motioning to Maria.

"Don't worry about me, Theo. I know what happened to my husband. Hayden told me everything about it," Maria said lightly, the others gasped a bit.

"You know he was suffering?" Avery asked.

"I didn't know he was suffering, he told me he was getting help for himself. Had I known he actually wasn't then I would of said something months ago...Hayden told me about it after I got home from the hospital with having Hayden Fury...he explained that he didn't tell me before since I'd been in labor," Maria informed. "Hayden, you said you were getting help and were okay..."

"I was okay. The war...was over, I was home with family and friends again, I didn't have to live at Fort Dreki...I was fine...until the nightmares started again. Until the day of that parade to welcome home the soldiers, hearing the fireworks, the cheering, the gunshots during Harry's funeral...it just came back," Hayden told her softly.

"But why didn't you tell us baby...it didn't have to get this far, we would have all...more than happily sat down to talk to you about it all," Avery asked him.

"I thought I could handle it, that over time like with the rest-I'd be okay. And I was...I got through all of their deaths just fine after some time passed. Then we played laser tag and...it was like it happened all over again. It was too real for me and I just...I snapped again. I didn't know what else to do, it wouldn't stop. I came home, started drinking, then cutting...when that didn't work...I just fuck it..." Hayden looked down again.

"We know, Theo told us...and I'm so...sorry cuz. I didn't...even think about what you'd been through and seen when I did what I did..." Seth told him now.

"It's okay...it was...a while ago," Hayden told him.

"Hayden, how often do you drink?" Valora asked him now.

"Every night or other night...I drink when I'm alone, sometimes I go to the bar-really hard to put a number on it..." Hayden admitted to his mother.

"Well the drinking, and the cutting stops now...not saying you can't drink the rest of your life but for now...you aren't using it to numb yourself into unconsciousness..." his mother stated firmly as he nodded.

"And now it's time for you to tell us everything, Hayden...everything since this started. Feelings, emotions, thoughts...all of it. Don't hold back and if you want to cry, you can...we'll get you through this but you gotta tell us what's going on in that head of yours," Theo put a hand on his back. Maria got up know as she carefully handed Hayden Fury to Hayden to hold, she stepped back with a smile.

"I know holding him makes you feel closer to Harry-so maybe it'll help you get through this a little easier," Maria told him. Hayden looked down at the baby in his arms, Hayden Fury-the child that Harry named after him because they were pretty much brothers. This baby looked exactly like his father in every way. Hair and eyes, even had Harry's smile. Hayden Fury was now five months old, he looked up at Hayden and giggled happily. The baby held his finger before yawning and then falling asleep in his arms. The others just watched, they loved seeing the smile return to Hayden's face when he held this child-Maria had the right idea. Harry always used to make Hayden feel better, and now his child seemed to do the very same thing.

"You ready to talk to us, Hayden?" Theo asked him.

"If you want honesty, no, I'm not. I know we all saw the same things but...how I see them it's just...I don't know, different." Hayden replied.

"We didn't see everything you did...We know about the deaths but we never saw...Harry, Ritka, Tarelto...didn't see none of that. We didn't...hear the words between you and Ritka, or you and Harry...there's a lot we don't know. And in order for us to help you-we need to know what you know, what you see...I know it's hard for you to talk about it, Hayden...but we can't help you if you don't tell us and if we can't help you...well after this whole thing-we're gonna have to admit you." Theo said.

"You know the protocol for attempted suicide, for suicidal thoughts...you're supposed to be institutionalized for a minimum of three days. Harry broke that once for your sake, and we're braking it again to help you." Shaw said now.

"I know-its just not easy to talk about...I've been...holding it back six years. I didn't want people to see the war in me-the only one I can't seem to win," Hayden sighed.

"Well babe-you don't have to fight this one alone. This is a war we can all fight with you because we're your family and friends. But we can't get to the battle if you don't take us there first," Avery leaned her head on his shoulder.

"It's just hard and I don't want to just break down in the middle of it," Hayden closed his eyes.

"Break down then, it'll help if you can get out how you're feeling and we're here too so you don't have to do it alone." Theo said. Hayden nodded, they were right-what was he so afraid of. He had tried to kill himself because he didn't want to tell anyone what he was feeling. He didn't want anyone know what was going on in his head but he knew now that he needed help. How could he of even thought of killing himself with all that was going on in his life? He's lost a lot of people and Anderson's death was eating away at him but he still had amazing friends, family, and a fiance he was supposed to marry in two months. They showed up and saw him in such a state and even though they should of locked him him-they weren't. They were trying to be there for him but he had to tell them everything. His eyes moved down to Hayden Fury in his arms, fast asleep too.

"Alright-you win, I'll tell you everything..." He took a breath as his mother brought him another water bottle and everyone just stayed quiet-they knew this was going to be hard for him, to tell them everything of the last six years. Hayden began telling them everything from the first death which was Oivind. He went in sections by each tour and what happened on each of them. He told them about the times he'd killed people-which he said didn't bother him terribly until he realized they'd been kids either his age or younger than him. He made sure to tell them about the first kid he ever shot, the one right before his leave when he earned the two medals. The others were shocked, Theo more so because he never knew about what happened on that mission-Hayden always said to drop it but now he understood why Hayden hadn't wanted to talk about it much.

Hayden talked about all the deaths of his friends, that he never stopped seeing it all. He repeated word for word the things Ritka said to him. Theo understood why Hayden was so upset now, and the others understood too. It was a lot for Hayden to explain-six years of pain that he'd buried deep down to try and act tough. After about two hours, Hayden Fury had waken up but Maria let Hayden feed him since Hayden so far had been making it through most of his explanations without breaking down completely-he cried a few times but made it through. Finally he was getting to the end of it with the final tour in Iraq: the one where Anderson died. Hayden had gotten past everything involving the POW situation when he saved his mother. Finally it was getting to the end, when Anderson died and the others just stayed quiet. No one knew what had happened, they know how Anderson died but not what was said to set Hayden off.

Hayden reached for his water bottle as Avery twisted the cap off since he only had the one arm to use with Hayden fury still asleep there after having eaten and been changed. The other were shocked to hear so far that last five years of Hayden's thoughts, feelings, emotion: he really had suffered and they were amazed how long he held on for before finally breaking which led to his attempt and they didn't even know about what happened between him and Anderson yet-that was coming next. Hayden also went into to detail about the fact he hated being called a hero or referred to as one because all he did was force enemies to give up because he made them afraid of him and Toothless; that in itself should have been rewarded. He made mentioned that he didn't feel he earned any of the medals he had that it made him sick to his stomach to have them on display.

"So that's why you always used to get mad when we mentioned you being a hero...?" Seth asked, Hayden nodded slowly.

"You want to take a break? From the talking-we did just spend two hours going through six years..." Theo asked with a hand on his shoulder.

"Maybe a small one, I need to stretch..." Hayden smiled softly.

"Want me to take the little one?" Maria asked him as she got up, Hayden went to hand off Hayden Fury but the child seemed to be gripping his shirt tightly-Hayden tried to have him let go but the child began to whimper and cry as Hayden pulled him close again and the baby settled down, remaining asleep. "Attached to you, just like Harry was..." Maria smiled.

"Seems that way," Hayden sighed softly, "I got an idea," Hayden adjusted his arm as he pulled his shirt off and let Hayden Fury hold it still as he handed him back to Maria.

"I'll get this back to you before we leave," Maria said.

"Don't worry about it-makes him happy. Its just a shirt. I got plenty of them." Hayden stated as he cracked his back, neck, and shoulders as he moved to the closet by the main entrance and pulled out one of his tan shirts that had ARMY written in dark green along the front as he moved into the kitchen and took off the bandages on his arms before returning inside the living room.

"Why'd you take the bandages off your arms?" Avery asked.

"Because Theo wraps way to tightly and makes it uncomfortable as shit," Hayden forced a chuckle.

"You don't mind...your cuts showing?" Camille asked, Hayden shook his head to her as he leaned against the wall staring out the window.

"You okay?" Gobber asked.

"You want the truth or a lie," Hayden replied casually glancing over to him now-already knowing what they wanted to hear, "I'm not okay. I just want to go to sleep-but I also don't want to close my eyes and just keep seeing it over and over again." Hayden answered calmly now.

"Well tell us how you feel, don't bottle it..." Theo offered as Hayden moved towards the shelves with all the picture from his time with his friends who were no longer with him: Ritka, Matthews, Lennox, Tarelto, and Anderson. All the pictures of them together-Theo too.

"That's the thing. I can't tell you how I feel because I'm not sure of it myself. I don't know how I feel-or...should feel? Mad, upset, depressed, miserable. Right now I'm just...numb, I guess." Hayden admitted without looking at them before going to a bigger picture of the Alpha Fire squadron on the wall and pulling it off a wall revealing a safe behind it.

"I didn't know we had that in here?" Jasmine blinked now.

"I had it installed one of the days you were out," Hayden stated as he turned the dial a few times-a clicking sound was heard then a small dial pad with numbers and a fingerprint scanner on it came out from behind a hidden door. Hayden reached into his pocket and pulled out his pocket knife-snapping open the blade as he pressed six digits on the number pad. Another tray came out as Hayden pricked his finger until it bled.

"Hayden!" Avery scolded.

"Chill out..." Hayden mumbled letting the blood drip twice into the tray then it went back inside as the fingerprint scanner glowed red while a small key lock came out of a hole and Hayden took the key off from around his neck and put it in the lock turning it to the left, the scanned turned blue he pressed his thumb to it, it turned green and beeped-then he turned the handle and opened the safe.

"Dial, number combination, DNA, fingerprint, and key lock? Who the hell you tryin to keep outta there?" Theo asked curiously.

"Well it's a safe, no one is supposed to be in it but the person trying to keep documents sealed away or stuff he doesn't want other people finding," Hayden remarked as he pulled out a leather bound journal and tossed it on the table before them. Hayden grabbed the dog tags belonging to his friends and placed them inside safely along with the gun that had been disassembled. He put it back together-then put it away before locking the safe once more and putting the picture back up.

"What's that?" Gerald asked.

"Journal I've been keeping since I joined the military. Every kill, death, missions, guard shifts, sleepless night, nightmare, flashback, thought, feeling...everything is in there over the last six years," Hayden stated softly.

"Why'd you bring it out?" Theo asked.

"To get rid of it. The last thing in the journal is me saying I'm going to kill myself because I can't deal with everything that happened in that journal anymore. At first it was just a way to pass the time, writing down everything I felt, saw, heard...but over time it became more of a memoir. Something that if I didn't survive on my own, if I ended up killing myself and people asked questions about what drove me to it-that would be their answer. The people who made the safe have the key, a sample of my DNA, the code, and combination-also they can bypass the fingerprint scanner to open the safe and in the event I died, they would open it and it was instructed to go to you, Theo to read to pass along to anyone who wanted to know." Hayden explained.

"But...why get rid of it?" Avery asked.

"Why keep something that would only remind me that I wanted to die because it it...?" Hayden asked in response, "I know I'll never forget what happened, but I know that I'm not alone anymore either. I never was, I was just to blind to see it. Keeping this," He lifted the journal now, "It was just go to serve that in every single entry I felt like I was alone-and that's not the case. I won't keep something that was basically a last will and testament of my killing myself and a way for people to know what drove me to do it," Hayden said as he tossed in the fireplace, crouched down and lit it-the book slowly began to smoke then catch fire and burn slowly into ash. Hayden stared at the flames silently and the others didn't say anything to him. "I'll tell you about when Harry died. I just hope you're ready to hear what really happened because it's going to take a miracle for me to get through this without flashing back and snapping all over again," Hayden sighed from his position.

"That's why we're here," Avery said moving beside him now. It didn't matter that they were there or not-this death was what made him snap and lose it completely. Anderson's death is what broke him beyond what he felt was repair and he honestly didn't know if he could recover from it. Hayden took a deep breath-he prayed he could get through this.