Unintentional Hero
Author: Nightstar Fury of Nightstar Productions
Rated: M for a variety of things that will happen
Pairing: Hiccup/Astrid
Disclaimer: I do not own HTTYD
69; Not Helping
Hayden sat there on the ground watching the journal he'd made slowly burn away in the fireplace-he was quiet and not really saying anything after he'd told the the others in the room that he'd tell them about Anderson's death from his side of things. This meant they would know everything said between the two in Anderson's last moments of life. Hayden wanted no part of thinking back to it all: of course he hadn't forgotten himself and never would but that didn't mean he wanted to talk about what had happened. It happened six months ago now and for Hayden, it still hurt as if it was fresh to him. How the others were managing to cope-he had no idea but he wasn't. He couldn't-even with time, it just hurt too much to lose Anderson. The two of them weren't just friends, they were brothers in every sense of the word. Harry even chose to name his son after Hayden and Toothless: how did one even handle that? And Anderson was supposed to be Hayden's best man at the wedding in two months, but that wasn't happening now.
"You ready to tell us?" Jasmine asked lightly.
"In all honesty, no, I'm not but something tells me I'm not going to get a choice in the matter," Hayden remarked coldly while staring into the flames-among them he saw Anderson being blown up, the same smile and salute as the day it happened.
"So long little brother." Hayden heard Anderson's last words echo in his mind as he closed his eyes tightly and clenched his fists until his knuckles cracked before getting up and moving away from the fire as he took a few deep breaths.
"Hayden?" Avery asked slowly as she went to put her hand on his arm-but he moved away from her as she saw him shaking slightly.
"Don't...just don't touch...me right now-I don't...want to hurt you by accident..." Hayden forced out as Avery looked at him sadly and nodded stepping back. Hayden had his back against one of the walls-his hands gripping his head tightly before finally sliding down to the floor with his knees up. The shaking seemed to stop as Hayden sighed with his arms draped over his knees and head down-eyes still closed before lifting his head towards the ceiling, head against the wall and his eyes just stayed glued to above him with silent tears slipping down.
"I really don't think this is a good idea to keep pushing him guys..." Palmer mentioned softly.
"I agree-he's going to break," Gerald stated.
"Believe me, I'm already broken," Hayden remarked softly. "It never stops, hasn't since it happened. I can't even look at the fire without seeing it over and over again. Part of me is here at home, but part of me is back there. There's no end in sight-even though I'm home now, I'm still fighting for my life..."
"Wait...those words," Camille pointed out now.
"What are you talking about?" Rachel asked curiously.
"Remember that day Hayden saved the junior class-Theo and the others Strike One said they saw that entry in Hayden's journal?" Camille reminded.
"It was something Gobber told me a long time ago, I turned it into a song. Was a good way to get out how I was feeling at the time. I finished it after I saved Mom," Hayden replied.
"I told ya?" Gobber asked, Hayden nodded to him.
"Well you said you couldn't tell us how you felt, why don't you sing it then?" Theo offered.
"Really not in the mood to sing right now," Hayden stated as calmly as he could.
"Please Hayden, we want to help you and if...singing songs or whatever helps get out how you're feeling then..." Avery began.
Hayden kept his eyes on the ceiling. "The only person to ever hear that song completed was Anderson, right after I got back from two week leave..." Hayden added.
"Let us hear it...please?" Valora asked gently.
"Fine..." Hayden forced himself off the ground and went to his room-he came out ten minutes later with his laptop and an acoustic guitar. Hayden set it up on the table as he found the instrumental version-then he sat on the couch with the acoustic in his lap before taking a breath and starting the file. The media player loaded as then Hayden began playing light notes on the guitar while closing his eyes. "I been home about six months now, and I still have my doubts. I'm not sure how I got here-or how I'm gonna get out. My Mama says I look the same, as I did before I left-but if she could see inside of me, it would scare her to death," Hayden started as the others just stayed quiet while the music picked up.
"I can still taste the powder from the barrel of my gun. I can hear my Sergeant screamin' 'Run, Soldier, run'. I can feel the backpack on back-God, it weighed a ton. And I see death in every single thought...They taught me how to put that uniform on-I just can't get it off." It was this set of lyrics that made a few people in the room widen their eyes in shock. Those were the words that Theo and the others of Strike One had said were in Hayden's journal the day he got shot from saving the entire Junior class in high school when the Jeremy guy tried to hold everyone hostage.
"Last Saturday they honored us in a small parade downtown. When they shot off those fireworks-I nearly hit the ground. And while they smiled and cheered for us, all I could do was stare. Cuz part of me is here at home but part of me is back there," Hayden took a breath now-his eyes never opened.
"I can still taste the powder from the barrel of my gun. I can hear my Sergeant screamin' 'Run, Soldier, run'. I can feel the backpack on back-God, it weighed a ton. And I see death in every single thought...They taught me how to put that uniform on-I just can't get it off!" His voice was louder while the music was stronger, "God, there's no end in sight. Cuz even though I'm home now...I'm still fighting for my life..."
"I can still taste the powder from the barrel of my gun. I can hear my Sergeant screamin' 'Run, Soldier, run'. I can feel the backpack on back-God, it weighed a ton. And I see death in every single thought...They taught me how to put that uniform on-I just can't get it off..." The music slowed considerably but didn't stop. "Well, the devil's won some battles and he may win some more-but don't he know that the Archipelago soldier will always win the war..." Hayden stopped strumming on the guitar now as he laid his hand over it so the vibration of the strings would stop resonating sound while the laptop stopped playing as well.
"That was...I don't think I have the words for that," Heather stated softly.
"I called it 'A Soldier's Memoir'. I got the chorus from Gobber when I was home on that twenty-four hour pass from Visithug. I'd told him how I felt about earning the Dragon Heart and Distinguished Service Cross-that the only reason I got out of that fight alive was because I'd killed a kid. Gobber told me those words and I held onto them. Then over time as I lost more and more people-I added more to it and finally just made it into a song. Anderson was the only one to see the entire thing completed. He had let me use his guitar to make the soft tune and then over the last couple months I've used my laptop for the extra instrument sounds," Hayden stated softly placing the guitar down and looking at his laptop which had a picture of him and Anderson on Hayden's twenty-first birthday.
The two of them had a shot in their hands-arms over each others shoulders with wide smiles and clearly drunk. It had been a screenshot from a video taken that night, Hayden wouldn't play it right now though-he knew he'd start crying. "The day Anderson died was nothing short of a living nightmare. I'd always told myself after losing Ritka, Matthews, Lennox, and Tarelto-that if I lost Theo or Anderson...I would snap completely because I wouldn't know what to do with myself anymore. Theo and I have been best friends since Basic. And then Anderson-the man was always like an older brother to me since the first deployment to Afghanistan. He never cared that I was made Sergeant at my BCT graduation and he didn't even think twice about naming me the Strike One leader-guess he saw something in me that I didn't at the time," Hayden started with his head down.
"We know it was hard for you to lose him," Jasmine stated gently.
"Hard doesn't even touch the surface," Hayden sighed. "Evans, Boggs, and Greenhalgh had asked me to take Toothless up to offer a little cover from the sky-to scare them to give the front line soldier a chance to breath because we'd been locked in battle for hours. I kept telling myself I wasn't going to scare them into retreating again-not like when Avery got hurt. I'd fight like the rest-but while I was locked in my own thoughts, I hadn't been paying attention. I heard Anderson call my name and when I looked up I saw an enemy preparing to kill me. I just told myself 'this is it, this is how I'm gonna die' but the shots rang out but never hit me..."
/Flashback/
He was with Sanchez, Palmer, and Shaw along with Anderson, Boggs, Evans, and Greenhalgh on the front lines to push back the enemy just so they'd have a minute to breathe.
"Hayden!" he heard Anderson call to him, as he looked up there was an enemy right in front of him with a gun up. Hayden waited for it, this is how he was going to die. The shots fired but never hit him as he saw a body shielding his. The person blocking him killed the enemy then fell back into Hayden's arms and he gasped when he saw who it was: Anderson.
"Stupid, why'd you do that for!" Hayden yelled at him seeing that Anderson had been shot three times: the shoulder, the left side chest, then the stomach. "MEDIC! Anderson is hit!" Hayden called out quickly.
"Because...you're my brother and I didn't want you to die," Anderson coughed weakly.
"You could have died dumb-ass! You have a pregnant wife and two kids waiting for you, don't be taking bullets for me!" Hayden scolded as he put his hand on the wound to try and apply pressure.
"Hayden," Anderson said putting his hand on Hayden's softly, "I need you to do something for me in case I don't make it...Tell Maria I love her and I have since the day I laid eyes on her...and I...want you to take care of my kids. Make sure...they know how much I love them and will always be with them...do that for me, won't you?"
"You know I will but you're not...going to die, Anderson...stop talking like that. You'll be fine...help is comin'." Hayden told him firmly trying to control his tears, this was just like when he lost Ritka and Lennox-both of them asking Hayden to do something for them before they'd died. Hayden...couldn't lose Anderson, he couldn't.
"Hey, don't worry about me kid...by the way, you were supposed to...get this after you got back from leave five...months ago," Anderson said as he pulled off a pin from his suit and shakily put it on Hayden's coat with a smile now. "You are a Lieutenant Colonel now, Haddock. Le-lead them...to victory," Anderson coughed up a little blood again with his hand to his chest. Hayden couldn't believe it, he was just...promoted to Lieutenant Colonel by Anderson himself. Why was...Anderson being this way, he wasn't going to die-Hayden wouldn't allow it!
"Grenade, everyone down!" was heard, but not by Hayden-he was to worried about Anderson. Harry forced himself up pulling his hand down hard then pushing Hayden away from him as he stepped back-Hayden recovered from his laying position to see Anderson standing straight up with a smile and a salute to him.
"So long, little brother." Hayden watched in absolute horror as Anderson was caught in the blast of the grenade, one that Anderson just saved him from being hit by. Tears streaking down from his eyes as the blast faded to smoke-no body present on the ground, Hayden shook as his head lowered, he saw what was on the ground before him: Anderson's dog tags, that Anderson he'd ripped off before stepping back and getting blown up...to save him.
/End Flashback/
Hayden gripped his head while remembering as he told it word for word-and he didn't hold it together either. Right after he got past the part where he saw Anderson's body land in his arms after falling back-he started shaking and crying all over again. The others couldn't believe it and honestly didn't blame Hayden for snapping when he did after it happened. Hayden told them the whole conversation, right up to when Anderson said 'so long little brother' with a salute and smile on his face-and that all Hayden could do after seeing Anderson die for him, was hit his knees and cry.
"What...happened after that?" Jasmine asked.
"After...I yelled out Anderson's name as loud as my lungs would allow me to-Boggs, Evans, and Greenhalgh rushed over thinking I'd been hurt. I told them Anderson died and no body to recover, I'd never been more cold in my life. I didn't know what to feel. I was hurt, pissed, shaking, and all I knew was every bit of my remaining sanity was gone. The higher ups told me not to do anything rash when I'd taken off my gun and vest. I specifically told them, 'I'm done. I am so fucking done with all of this...I've fucking had it. Oivind. Steven. Eli. Daryl. Jason. And now...Anderson. All of them are dead because of this fucking war and I've watched every single one of them die. Ritka with an RPG, Matthews getting shot and blasted, Lennox taking a bullet for me, Tarelto shooting himself in the head because you couldn't take it anymore, and now Anderson who died saving me not once...but twice. I just can't do this anymore, I'm done. I can't...deal with this anymore so I'm going to end it. You won't use the biggest weapons we have...Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything rash. I'm just going to show you what happens when every remaining bit of my sanity disappears.'." Hayden kept his head down now.
"They told you to stand down too," Sanchez reminded.
"He didn't though, did he?" Maria asked, Hayden shook his head.
"Nope, I didn't. I snapped, all I saw was red. I broke all orders and told them, 'Fuck you and your standing down. I'm done running. You all wanted to know how I ended the war in Afghanistan-you're about to find out.' I called for Toothless and then had him take on Alpha mode-the one where he can glow blue and command every other dragon around. I told the higher ups to call back their soldiers if they didn't want them getting caught in my attack-surprised they did actually. I led the entire attack-I know I ended the Iraq war. Toothless fired one blast and the rest of the dragons did the same creating a mass of smoke and fire. I flew Toothless in and then about twenty minutes later-I walked back out and in front of Lieutenant General Evans and threw down the Iraqi army leader. Put a gun to the back of his head and said 'Say it or die', he said he surrendered and I just looked emotionlessly at Evans and said, 'And the rest are either dead, knocked out, or have already retreated and won't be bothering us again. Anderson promoted me to Lieutenant Colonel before he died, he told me to lead to victory. So I did. This is how you win a war: you don't show any fucking mercy. This is how I stopped the war in Afghanistan, I lost my shit and didn't show mercy. By all means, take all the fucking time you need to sign the treaty or whatever-but wrap this shit up because I'd like to go home...there is no longer a war to fight anymore'. Then for the next month-everyone just left me alone." Hayden stated.
"And...then you got removed from active duty, right?" Valora asked, Hayden nodded.
"I was called into their office a month later and told I would have to tell Maria about Anderson's death. They told me I was removed from active duty unless I could prove I was okay. I said I could but didn't care anymore. Then...we were sent home a week later. You know the rest from there..." Hayden sighed heavily now.
"There was...something I was curious about son..." Valora stated softly as Hayden glanced over to her. "When...you were telling the story about you being a POW with me in Iraq...you never told them about the two hours in which you were taken from the cell and returning looking like you'd been in a boxing match," Hayden flinched a little and closed his eyes.
"You were taken for two hours out of the cell? You didn't mention that when you returned," Theo said now.
"It doesn't matter. It was just interrogation, they wanted to know how to train Toothless-for me to train him to attack the base and use him as a weapon against all of you. I refused to answer or talk so I got tortured for two hours," Hayden remarked.
"What kind of torture?" Gerald asked.
"Whippings, punches, kicks-that's it, now drop it." Hayden stated coldly as he got up and the others looked at him worried.
"Hayden-you're...getting a little defensive on the subject. You promised to tell us everything that happened to hurt you..." Camille mentioned now.
"Enough, Camille. I did tell you-I had the shit beat out of me for two hours straight. That was it-Drop It." Hayden emphasized.
"You didn't tell us, Mom did. You wouldn't have said anything if she hadn't brought it up-you're holding back. How the hell are we supposed to help you when you won't be honest!" Camille retorted.
"You think you're helping me?" Hayden asked-which took them all back slightly considering Hayden's voice was incredibly calm and cold, "You aren't helping me-making me relive the last six years so you can see things from my point of view? The only reason I did this was so you'd get off my damn back," Hayden scoffed coldly towards them.
"But..." Avery started.
"Sure let's ask the soldier fresh of six years in the military to explain in explicit detail about everything that's haunting him-destroying him from the inside. But no-totally fine guys. You wanted to know so I told you every single thing that has happened in the last six years to me, that I suffered in my mind. I told you what happened, my feelings, my thoughts, the nightmares, the flashbacks. I want to stop seeing it all, not continue to. You're not helping me-you're just making me want to find any way possible to kill the pain. And trust me, you don't want to know what I have in mind to do just that so if you don't want me to break completely beyond anyone's repair-then I suggest you stop asking and God damn drop it. We clear?" Hayden stated, "How's that for fucking honesty," he added before walking away.
