Unintentional Hero
Author: Nightstar Fury of Nightstar Productions
Rated: M for a variety of things that will happen
Pairing: Hiccup/Astrid
Disclaimer: I do not own HTTYD
70; I'll Be Okay
Hayden had gone to his room and just about slammed the door making the house shake slightly at the force. They others just sat there in shock-after the last almost three hours Hayden admitted that what they were doing wasn't helping him in the slightest-that it was making him worse and the suicidal thoughts increasing. They thought it had been going well until his mother brought up something Hayden hadn't mentioned-that during his time as a POW, he had been taken for two hours and tortured for the information on how to train dragons and get Toothless to be a weapon for them. They knew Hayden wouldn't budge and obviously stayed strong through the torture but then why did he get so defensive when asked to talk about it? He just said to drop it out right-they felt like he was hiding something big that happened and refused to talk about it.
"He has his knife on him right now and he's alone in there," Camille whimpered.
"He won't...hurt himself again. He...promised," Avery replied.
"Actually he didn't. His mother told him to stop and he nodded-but he never promised." Palmer added.
"He won't-he's just hurting right now. We made him talk about everything-except whatever this...was that happened in Iraq when you two were captured. What happened, Mrs. Haddock?" Theo asked.
"Well we were locked up about thirteen hours together-five of them we talked about everything back home. How he joined, that things between him and his father, that he had a girlfriend but at some point the enemies came in and pulled him out. He was gone two hours and when he came back he looked like hell. Bruised, bleeding, cut slightly. I asked him what happened he just said he was interrogated and tortured but he never talked." Valora informed calmly.
"You think it was more than what he said?" Gerald asked her.
"He's...defensive about it. He told us everything else without a problem-aside from some crying and shaking but when it came to this, well you saw...he shut it down quickly and then got mad..." Valora sighed sadly. Avery sighed as she got up and moved down the hall towards his room.
"Avery don't-you don't want to push him right now..." Dylan said softly.
"I'm not going to just sit around while he suffers alone again. I'm not going to make him do anything-but I want to be with him nevertheless," Avery said as she moved to Hayden's door and took a breath before lifting her hand and knocked twice, "Hay-Hayden? Can I come in?"
"Leave me alone..." he responded lowly.
"I can't do that babe-I'm sorry...not after earlier. Please...let me in?" Avery whimpered a bit with her head on the door-it was silent a few minutes, all of them wondering if he'd actually let her in the room. The handle turned as Avery looked up and saw Hayden standing there before her. Tears in her eyes she just wrapped her arms around him tightly, burying her face in his chest. Hayden closed his eyes and hugged her back-he knew they were trying to help but having him talk all about it at once wasn't the best way. Even in therapy sessions it would have been broken down into parts to talk about. That's what Anderson used to do for him-take it day by day not all at once. He hadn't meant to snap at them-or say what he did but it was the only way to make them stop asking.
"Stop crying now, it's okay." Hayden told her.
"It's...not, and...neither are you. How can...you keep saying it's okay..." Avery cried against him.
"Because I know it will be eventually." Hayden said as he lifted her chin up so their eyes would meet, "I'll be the first to admit that I'm a complete mess, unstable as fuck, and just want it to end by any means necessary," he then wiped her tears with his thumb and kissed her lightly, "but I'll be the first to tell you that like everything else-eventually I'll be okay. I got passed all of their deaths, I accepted what happened but that doesn't mean it hurts any less or doesn't come back at random. Anderson's death hit me harder than the others-he's the only one I couldn't stop, couldn't save, and couldn't bring home. Words said can't be unheard, things seen can't be unseen, things done cannot be undone. That is something I have to live with. No matter what I do or where I go-there will always be triggers to it and those will be the harder days I have to get through. But I will be okay with time," he admitted to her.
"But you said that we weren't helping you-you admitted to...wanted to end it anyway you could and I'm...scared you're going to try and kill yourself again," Avery sobbed still. Hayden picked her up bridal style and carried her back into the living room as he set her down on the couch lightly before kneeling in front of her with his hands on her knees.
"Avery, listen to me. I said that because I was mad, but it wasn't entirely untrue. Fitting six years of pain and suffering into one afternoon while I'm still pretty intoxicated, lacking serious amounts of sleep wasn't the best idea. I get how intervention works. You wanted to confront me about what was going on to drive me to try and kill myself. You wanted me to tell you what's bothering me but it was not something that should have been attempted in one day. Even in therapy-it wouldn't be attempted. Because it brings to much on at once-it doesn't give the victim time to heal or talk about how they felt for each individual situation that occurred," Hayden stated.
"That's...my fault," Theo sighed.
"It's no ones fault. I should of gotten help long ago-real help instead of bottling it inside, bleeding it out, or drowning it in alcohol. Today was only the first time I ever attempted to kill myself-but it's not the first time I've thought about it," he said calmly.
"We know-when Tarelto died..." Jasmine said.
Hayden shook his head, "No. I've thought about it a lot more then just today and when Tarelto died. Ever since being home when the nightmares and flashbacks came. The morning of Theo's wedding-the morning I pulled the gun and had no idea where I was. I wasn't being truthful about my reasoning for doing it. It was true I woke up having no idea where I was or who the shadowed figures were in my room. But...I didn't pull the gun because I thought I was about to get attacked. That nightmare...I saw Anderson and the others die again. But they only asked me why I didn't help them, why I killed them. They kept telling me to join them-be free of the stress of the world and it'd be like how it was when they were alive. In that nightmare-they pulled their guns on me and shot me together. I heard my name get called out and it went black-then I woke up. The first thing I saw was myself. I wanted...to shoot myself."
"What...do you mean, you had the gun facing...Theo, Ethan, and Dylan..." Avery stated.
"But in the dark-that's all I ever saw was darkness and there was always a hooded figure telling me I was a murderer, that I could have saved them but didn't. Right before the nightmares would end, the figure standing before me was me. Me telling myself that I'm not a hero, just a murderer playing dress up in a soldiers uniform...I've thought about killing myself so many times-but always stopped because someone would call, or come here, or for a short period...I'd get distracted and it would be okay but at night-just the darkness, me, and myself...this time-after seeing it all again in one day, I just...couldn't force it back, I just wanted it to end so I wouldn't have to see it anymore..." Hayden informed her.
"And you...still feel that way, don't you?" Heather asked.
"I do, won't lie about it. But, something happened after I knocked out-being stuck in that darkness again. For once there was a light-something for me to follow. That light-I heard voices. Theo's, Gobber's, and Avery's...I wasn't alone in there and I realized I wasn't alone at all. Truth be told, Avery...my nightmares are at bay when I'm holding you in my arms at night. When I saw how scared you looked after I tried to kill myself-I knew I'd never be able to do it. No matter what-I'll never kill myself even if I have the desire too. I know one way or another-I'll always be okay because I have you," Hayden told her as her eyes widened a bit. "I know my joining the military was hard on my family and friends-and though through some tough times-you all stood by me anyway. It will take some time, and I'll never forget it but eventually-I'll be okay again, because I have all of you beside me to get me through it."
"We're sorry for making you do it all at once, we should have known better being in therapy ourselves...we've been recovering slowly-and we made you do it in one day out of fear," Theo said softly.
"Don't worry about it-you know everything now." Hayden told him, "And you, stop crying...it's not befitting for such a beautiful woman-about to be a bride and then wife, to be crying." he said wiping her eyes again as she tried to nod. Avery leaned forward and hugged him tightly as he wrapped his arms around her-locked in a comforting and loving embrace. The two held it another few moments before separating as Avery wiped her eyes again while he kissed her forehead again.
"So we don't...like have to worry about leaving you alone for extended periods of time because I'll be honest-one of the main reasons we freaked was because we knew you had a gun here..." Theo said sighing.
"I'd kept it in my closet the night Avery slept over a few months back-when I got home from laser tag, I just...freaked and tried anything to numb the pain. Drinking, cutting...when it didn't work, I just couldn't stop. I normally don't even get that far in thoughts. I suppose being drunk just made me less able to think clearly about reasons to stay and made the flashbacks worse-harder to fight and recover from." Hayden shrugged now.
"That's why I said no more drinking while you're recovering-or at least supervised drinking..." Valora stated softly.
"Yeah, yeah-I got it." Hayden stated to her with a sigh, "I'm good on the drinkin for a while-way to much soco," he mumbled tiredly.
"Stomach hurt?" Avery asked, Hayden nodded once to her as she kissed his forehead.
"Bread should soak up some of that alcohol, and a shower would do you some good, son." Gerald offered.
"I am totally cool with that-you all...wanna stay for lunch or dinner? I'll order pizza or something." Hayden offered.
"That's fine with us. We missed lunch because we...came here," TJ mentioned with a nod as the others did the same.
"We gotta go meet up with a few others. Oh! Greenhalgh, Boggs, and Evans are coming through tomorrow to check on you," Palmer mentioned.
"I'll deal with them tomorrow then, see ya guys at the wedding in two months right?" Hayden asked them, they nodded and soon left the house.
"I have to leave too, the kids will be getting off the bus in about fifteen minutes-if you need anything at all, Hayden...you call me, understand?" Maria stated as she got up while holding Hayden Fury-who was now awake and giggled while reaching for Hayden who took him with a smile and tossed him in the air a bit making him giggle as he rubbed his nose to the young Anderson child then kissed the boys forehead. "Definitely loves his uncle," she smiled watching the two interact.
"You be good for your mother, kid," Hayden told the baby in his arm-it was the nickname Anderson had given him, kid. Hayden handed the baby back to Maria and hugged her as she left the apartment. Now inside was Jasmine, Avery, Theo, Olivia, Gobber, Dylan, Ethan, Samantha, Valora, Gerald, TJ, Seth, Rachel, Felix, and Heather. "Well I'm gonna shower, make yourselves comfortable," he said as he grabbed his wallet out of his back pocket and handed it to Avery, "Order what you guys want, just use my card babe-unless you feel like joining me?"
"Really?" Camille said arching a brow.
"What?...Oh you think we're gonna do that? No. It was mainly so someone was keeping an eye on me in case I black out because I'm still drunk right now..." Hayden rolled his eyes. Avery smiled shaking her head as she handed his wallet to Theo-then stood up following Hayden to the bathroom. Not more than five minutes later they heard the water turn on-then the shower as they all sighed. Jasmine grabbed her phone as they called for pizza. Got five larges, some wings, and mozzarella sticks-told by the pizza place it would be there with in the hour after Jasmine gave them Hayden's card information then they all just sat around talking about the last few hours.
Hayden really had been through hell and somehow still managed to find some kind of a smile. Sure today had been horrible for him to talk about but he managed it all with only crying and shaking a few times. The biggest break down was when he talked about Anderson's death-his friends and family knew that was hard, especially with what was said between the two. Avery came out of the bathroom while Hayden went down the hall to his room to get changed while Avery relaxed on the couch. "Well he feels a lot better than when he went in," she stated.
"Well you figure he's been holding in how he feels for years-except to maybe Anderson. Even if he talked about it all at once, it probably does feel good to him for others to know how he's feeling now or at least know whats been on his mind for the last months-years even," Gobber pointed out, "I'm still shocked he took the words I gave him and he turned it into a song..."
"Yeah that was...incredible. I didn't know he liked to write lyrics and make songs," Jasmine said in agreement with the others in the room who were nodding. Hayden came out wearing a pair of brown sweatpants, brown slippers, then a light-long sleeved sweater that was forest green he also had music playing from his phone which was clipped to the waistband of his pants. A new song had just started as Hayden was humming along to it-then he took his phone out when it started ringing. "What's up, Drill Sergeant?" he answered.
"Haddock! Good to hear from you again!" DS Ramirez greeted as Hayden only shook his head as he put it on speaker phone now.
"You called me-shouldn't I be saying that?" Hayden asked him.
"I was just testin ya, lad. And how many times I gotta tell you that you don't gotta call me that no more?" DS Ramirez chuckled.
"You don't have to tell me, I just choose to. You were the first CO I ever had-out of respect, sir. Was that not the first lesson you instilled into us six years ago?" Hayden questioned now.
"Instilled? I'd go with scared," the man laughed.
"I wasn't scared of you. The day I met you-I just called you a big bully which I'd dealt with all my life anyway. Wasn't anything new to me to be yelled at for not doing something right. Either way, what did you call for?" Hayden replied now.
"Well ya see-remember all those dragons we'd rounded up for the dragon school," the man trailed off as Hayden sighed.
"Out with it-not in the mood to be run around the bush..." he mumbled.
"We've got a Whispering Death problem," Hayden almost smacked his forehead.
"I got the master list for the dragons going to the Berk location three days ago, there was no mention of a Whispering Death being moved there. They have to be rounded up separate from the others because they don't play nice with other dragons. Same with Speed Stingers and Changewings," Hayden remarked.
"Well no one told us that! We just got told to move them, only this Whispering Death is huge-like a Titanwing one. White, red eyes and tail..." Hayden just about froze.
"Mind repeating that one more time for me. I'm pretty sure you just said...big white Whispering Death dragon with red eyes and tail," Hayden answered now.
"That's what I said, Lieutenant Colonel," DS Ramirez confirmed.
"That's not a Whispering Death, its a Screaming Death and you need to stay away from it until I get there. Where are you?" Hayden said getting up now and opening the door and giving a whistle for his dragon.
"About that...look to your left," Hayden looked to his left and saw DS Ramirez, DS Amunsav, as well Boggs, Greenhalgh, and Evans trying to take cover on the side of the duplex, "HELP!" they yelled together.
"Really, you couldn't have mentioned you were already here?! Maybe-I don't know, given me just a fraction of a warning so I could deal with this?" Hayden yelled back at them, "Get in the house..." he stated as they rushed in while Hayden saw the dragon overhear-growing and snarling, preparing to fire. The housing base gave off the warning horn as Hayden forced himself to not to hit the ground or instinctively reach for his gun. He shook his head to shake it off as the dragon focused on him now. "Toothless keep him busy for me bud," Hayden stated as he headed inside and looked at Evans with a glare and his hand out.
"What?" Evans asked.
"Hand over your gun," Hayden said.
"You're going to shoot it?!" Ethan asked.
"No I'm gonna...Ugh, just fucking hand it over already!" Hayden ordered, Evans handed it to Hayden as he took the clip out. Hayden grabbed a small box and set it down as he dumped the normal bullets on the floor while he reloaded the clip with something else looking like bullets only they were smaller and pointed at the top. Hayden reloaded the clip and pulled back the top to load one for firing-he moved outside and aimed for the dragon. "Toothless, move back pal," Hayden commanded, his dragon did so as Hayden fired the gun and hit the dragon in the side of the neck. It's eyes widened as it slowly lowered itself down to the ground whimpering almost.
"What did you do to it?" Theo asked.
"The bullets in the gun are actually just tranquilizers, dragon root mixture that renders them slightly paralyzed and at certain levels can calm a dragon down temporarily. Titanwings are harder to train because they believe they are elite and have more dominance. Hayden placed the gun down now as he moved in front of the dragon with his hand out as it growled at him. "Hey, don't get snippy with me big boy. We don't charge into your home and cause trouble, now why don't you relax..." Hayden said to it as it stopped snarling and pressed it's nose to Hayden's palm. "There we go, see-it's alright. Not gonna hurt you at all. I'm a friend to all dragons-but you shouldn't be here. Small place for a big dragon like you,"
"You're always so good with them," Boggs remarked.
"I'm not the lead trainer for nothing ya know," Hayden said with a soft smile now as the dragon let Hayden pull out the dart and toss it down while the dragon crooned comfortingly at him. "Head on home big guy, I'm sure your mother is missing ya." the dragon licked his cheek as a thank you almost then slowly took to the sky and headed off out of sight. Hayden came back into the apartment and fixed the Lieutenant General's gun before handing it back to him. "Next time find a better way to warn me-a text would of sufficed..." Hayden glared, "Are the rest of the dragons transported safely?"
"Yes. And sorry, when it happened-this is where we were close too..." Greenhalgh chuckled a bit.
"I bet-cuz I'm not dealin with enough already..." Hayden mumbled slightly with a bored look in his eyes.
"Hayden...you're...bleeding?" Jasmine pointed out, Hayden looked down as he saw the gash on his arm-he'd been hit with one of the spines that got fired right before he shot the tranquilizer at the Screaming Death.
"Heh, so I am..." without another word he blacked out and hit the ground.
"Hayden!" Avery cried with worry. Theo and Jasmine acted right away while breaking out the first aid kit to clean the wound and wrap it up.
"He'll be okay-he probably just blacked out from exhaustion and...everything else today. Been a long day for him-shouldn't of been moving that much after he'd been drinking so heavily a few hours ago. Let him rest," Theo said as he and Dylan moved Hayden into his room so he could rest. The other just sat around, Evans demanded an explanation and they told him everything except the part about Hayden trying to kill himself-they only revealed Hayden had a hard time in the beginning and still does at random but other wise is okay. They seemed content with the answer but said they'd return the next day to talk to Hayden themselves about his state of mind-after that they left and the pizza arrived so they began to eat but saved some for Hayden who hopefully woke up soon.
