Unintentional Hero
Author: Nightstar Fury of Nightstar Productions
Rated: M for a variety of things that will happen
Pairing: Hiccup/Astrid
Disclaimer: I do not own HTTYD
72; Thank You's
So far the morning had gone from calm to chaotic-then back to calm. Hayden had woken up late thanks to his fiance turning his alarm off on him and then he went flying with Toothless only to discover that his dragon was suffering PTSD just like he was-Hayden couldn't believe he didn't think of it right away. Toothless and him had seen the same things-of deaths from humans and dragons. Toothless actually fell to a point where he didn't know where he was anymore but thankfully, Hayden broke through him and brought him back-he almost cried doing it to. The thought of losing his best friend terrified him-he really would lose it beyond repair if he lost Toothless. There would be no coming back from him from that. He'd be so trapped in grief-he'd shut down completely and he probably would even care anymore either. He'd never be the same if he lost his dragon. But after all that, now it was time for the evaluation from his superior officers on his mental state.
Once back in the apartment now, everyone found a seat around the room but Hayden had to stay in front of Boggs, Greenhalgh, and Evans for this. They had to watch his facial expressions, responses, tones of voices, overall behavior. This was going to suck and Thor only knew how long it would take to complete. "For those of you new to evaluations-they are not normally done this way. It's generally one on one due to privacy issues so while I'm aware all of you may know what Mr. Haddock here has been through, I ask that you all remain quiet." Evans stated calmly.
"We understand sir," Theo nodded-as did the others.
"Mr. Haddock-you will be asked a series of questions regarding previous evaluations, situations, thoughts, feelings, and-" Hayden already groaned.
"Look. I've been through this for six years now-I know how it goes. Just friggen start it so that way maybe I can get on with my life," he remarked with his arms over his chest.
"You seem irritated right now, any particular reason why?" Boggs asked.
"I feel that evaluations are a complete waste of time when it's the same inane bullshit as before. You ask the same questions every time, it gets kind of boring to constantly repeat." Hayden answered.
"Well we do them to see how the soldiers are doing after war-it's just protocol, Lieutenant Colonel." Greenhalgh mentioned.
"Well let's see-you removed me from active duty because of my mental state so it goes without saying that you know without an evaluation that I'm very unstable. Why are you going to sit here and waste my time, their time, and your own on asking questions to find a result you already know?" Hayden asked them calmly now.
"So you openly admit to to being unstable?" Boggs asked.
"I never tried to hide it," he sighed, "Honestly, you saw what I did in Iraq when Anderson died-was that not enough of a reveal that I'm mentally unstable in every sense of the word?"
"You also said you could prove you were okay but didn't care," Greenhalgh insisted.
"And I can," Hayden replied now.
"But you just said-" Evans began quickly.
"I know what I said, Lieutenant General Evans. How do you suppose I was supposed to prove I was okay when still in Iraq? After just watching a man who I considered my older brother get shot, then blown up to save me? How would you assume I respond to that situation. You have a brother, Boggs. Would you not snap if he jumped in front of you to save you from being shot? Would you be able to say you're okay after he saved you a second time by pushing you out of the way of a grenade, saluting you with a smile and saying 'so long'? Would you be able to handle it perfectly fine?" Hayden asked.
Boggs was rather quiet now obviously not having a response to Hayden's question. "We didn't assume you were okay-you snapped completely in a rage," Greenhalgh reminded.
"I know what I did-never said I was proud of it but who can blame me after seeing what I'd seen? Anyone would of done the same thing. Its instinct to be fueled by so many emotions at once that you have no idea what to do-you lose it. Because you don't know what else to do," Hayden said calmly now. The others were just looking a little surprised at his answer, what was surprising was that he wasn't wrong. When faced with something like that-you wouldn't know what else to do and you unleash everything you were feeling at once then when he'd returned he was cold because he'd let everything out at once then there was nothing left to feel-but empty. "It might be true I'm unstable as hell right now but that doesn't mean I won't recover in time," he added calmly.
"So you are okay-coping well with everything from Anderson's death?" Evans asked.
"Did we not just go over this?" Hayden sighed heavily.
"We merely want to know how you're handling it? Are you seeing a doctor about it, are you taking medications, are you having suicidal thoughts, have you attempted to kill yourself at all since being released from active duty because of Anderson's death?" Boggs asked calmly now.
"I'll answer those in order for you: No. No. Some. And, yes." Hayden responded.
"You've...tried to kill yourself?" Evans said a little surprised now.
"I swear if you keep asking the same question I'm just gonna walk out," he rolled his eyes. His friends and family were surprised-why would he admit that he'd tried to kill himself? He knew his officers would order him to suicide watch-didn't he? "If you can sit there and be quiet like my friends and family did when I told them yesterday-I will do the same for you. No interruptions, no comments, and if you try to admit me to a psych hospital: I will leave on Toothless-and I promise you won't find me," he warned coldly now.
"Hayden!" Avery said in fear now.
"Those are my terms-take 'em or leave em. I will agree to tell you everything-in detail with no holds barred. I won't hide my emotions, feelings, thoughts, anything if you will agree that you do not admit me. Do we have a deal gentleman?" Hayden asked firmly. Evans, Boggs, and Greenhalgh looking at one another then nodded. "Say it," he ordered.
"We swear by the Soldiers Honor that we will not admit you if you tell us everything in detail." Evans offered his hand to Hayden-who took it and shook it, then did the same with the others before sitting back down with a heavy sigh.
"Then I suggest you get comfortable because this one hell of a story so I hope you didn't have anywhere else to be today," Hayden mentioned.
"Wait-hold on, we were there for all of Anderson's death-how long is this exactly, what did we miss?" Boggs asked.
"Oh! You thought my state of mind was due to just Anderson's death," Hayden asked as they slowly nodded-then he laughed. "That wasn't even a fraction of it. My state of mind has been fucked up and unstable for six years-since the first tour in Afghanistan,"
"Now wait just a minute! You haven't been to counseling for any of the last six years-you mean to say you've been keeping to yourself this long?!" Greenhalgh asked.
"Correct," Hayden replied. "All of it had a hand in my suicide attempt-which was yesterday afternoon by the way."
"We agreed not to send you over Anderson's death-you've been holding out on all your evaluations then! We should admit you right now!" Evans stated firmly.
"But you won't because you agreed not to." Hayden remarked now.
"We will because this has clearly been going on a while-six years, Lieutenant Colonel! I'm surprised and disappointed. We agreed not to admit you on Anderson's death and you just admitted the last six years have had a play on your attempt which was yesterday?!" Evans replied.
This time, Hayden wasn't calm. His eyes narrowed as he slammed both hands down on the table which made the three officers flinch a bit, "You won't because you'll be in violation of our deal-which you swore on the Soldiers Honor and shook on, that you would not admit me if I told you EVERYTHING. I never agreed to just talk about Anderson's death-I said everything and everything is a grand culmination of six years. So go right ahead-admit me and break the deal and dishonor soldiers everywhere," he warned.
"And I swear I just heard Anderson laugh and say 'Atta boy, Haddock'!" Theo chuckled slightly.
"Come on officers, you didn't really think I'd put myself in a position that would screw me-did you? I'm not gonna tell you everything attributing to my PTSD, depression, and attempted suicide without a little insurance that I won't get screwed and taken away from my family and friends. I'm a soldier-I fight for them. I knew you'd pull something like this-that's why I made you swear to it before I started talking. I know the words I said, its just to bad you didn't realize the words you were agreeing to. I said everything-you didn't bother to ask what everything entailed, your fault-not mine, sirs. Now are you quite finished?" The three of them were shocked-Hayden just outsmarted them to get out of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital.
"You sneaky asshole," Camille giggled now.
"I thought we went over just how sneaky I am," Hayden remarked.
"There was that one time when he was training Night Terror that he snuck off Fort Dreki to go see Avery. Gone all night and still made it back before the sun rose," Theo snickered lightly.
"THEO! No one was supposed to know about that!" Hayden said quickly.
"Oops," Theo covered his mouth quickly. Hayden face-palmed with a sigh now as Avery just blushed. "They didn't have sex or nothing-"
"THEO-shut the fuck up!" Hayden scolded shaking his head in frustration, "You are so lucky you're one of my best friends or I swear to the Gods, I would kill you..."
"We can certainly...touch base on that later-the story, Mr. Haddock," Greenhalgh sighed-clearly all three of them defeated by Hayden outsmarting them. Hayden moved into the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle then sat back down, taking a deep breath he began to tell them everything from the beginning-just as he'd done the day before when it was just his friends and family: this took about an hour or so to get through and then he stopped taking a breath and getting up.
"Uh, you served four tours-that was only two of them," Boggs mentioned.
"And it's also about 12:30pm or so and I'm not gonna make all them sit through this a second time without lunch. Besides-I need a break..." Hayden admitted as he moved into the kitchen to figure out what to make for lunch for everyone.
"So you all left things out yesterday," Evans remarked now looking to Theo, Jasmine, Heather, Ethan, and Dylan.
"We knew you'd admit him if we told you everything." Jasmine replied lightly.
"He should be admitted from all we've heard on just two tours-I'm rather afraid to hear the rest," Greenhalgh stated with a sigh-from the kitchen they heard music start playing. Avery got up slowly and peered around the corner as Hayden was looking at his laptop screen and scrolling through music it seemed but as she looked closer she saw he was actually watching a video of him and the original Strike One. Hayden was sitting at the counter, hunched over slightly with his arms down, eyes glued to the screen and silent tears falling from his eyes. Avery looked back at Theo sadly-then motioned for him to come look. Theo got up and moved towards the wall as he saw Hayden sitting there. They knew him talking about it again was hard for him, the guy wasn't getting any time to heal.
"I'll talk to him," Theo said as he moved into the kitchen now and pulled up a stool beside him, "Hey, I know I'm not Anderson but-you know you can talk to me right? Sittin in here like this alone isn't good for you bro,"
"Yeah, I know-I just...talking about all the death, I wanted to see something else ya know-back when it was good for us," Hayden told him with a sigh.
"Well you could share with me, I was on Strike One too and so was Jasmine..." Theo offered.
"I didn't want to cry in front of them..." Hayden admitted softly.
"Hey, your video made me cry on my wedding day-you think I cared?" Theo smiled with a hand on his back and rubbing it some.
"No, guess that's what makes us different." Hayden lifted his head.
"No, Hayden-it makes you human. You can cry, no one is gonna care. We know how much this hurts you-hurts us to see you hurting. We want to help but you can't keep hiding how you feel like this-we know your tough, maybe tougher than all of us put together man but you can't be strong forever, it's destroying you from the inside. You can...cry, scream, yell, swear-whatever you want just don't hide it from us. Okay? Why not slide that SD card into the TV and play it for everyone-I know I want to enjoy it. Lunch and show," Theo offered.
"I don't know, Theo..." Hayden sighed pausing the video now and closing his eyes.
"We can mourn together-it still hurts me too." Theo patted his back. Hayden looked over at him, seeing his smile-Hayden couldn't say no to him. It hurt Theo and him the most-they were the original Strike One. Hayden nodded as he pulled the SD card out of the laptop and closed it. Next they whipped up a quick lunch for everyone-just sandwiches as they brought it out and set it on the living room table. Hayden moved the side of the flat screen TV and slid the SD card in as he turned it on while everyone could see the video Hayden had originally been watching. Another one of them hanging out in the bar on leave-drunk out of their minds too and singing. Hayden didn't say anything as he leaned back on the couch after turning it up when Theo sat beside him-offering him a beer.
"That a good idea right now?" Hayden asked.
"Hey, we're just drinkin with the guys bro. Just like old times," Theo winked-Hayden smiled at him and took the beer and twisted it off as he and Theo clanked the two together and took a swig as both of them just watched the screen. Everyone else just stayed quiet watching the two boys watch the videos play through-bar trips, relaxing in the barracks on Visithug and in Iraq. Hayden and Theo actually started laughing when they saw the video of the Strike One and Anderson singing Smash Mouth's All Star-they even started singing along. They hadn't seen Hayden this happy in a long time so why ruin for him. Avery and Camille even glared when the officers were going to remind him that he still had two more tours to talk about. The video played for about thirty minutes as it stopped on a shot of all of them together-one where they'd all just come off a really long and hard mission. "See, told ya it'd be worth it if ya just watched it with me. I miss them too bro," Theo said with an arm over his shoulders.
"I'll stop doubting you," Hayden forced a chuckle as he went to get up to turn the TV off-just as he was about to, he heard something. "Hey kid,"Hayden's eyes widened as he froze-that was...Anderson's voice. Hayden quickly backed up and looked at the screen-sure enough all the guys of Strike One were there-except Theo who Hayden had to guess was recording. The background was the Alpha Fire barrack from Afghanistan-the first tour. "Yeah, we're talking to you, Sergeant Haddock." Anderson laughed.
"Alright so this is right before we all go on leave for two weeks. You're outside on an aerial patrol right now, sorry bout stealin ya phone." Lennox chuckled with his normal grin. Hayden...had never seen this before. He'd watched these videos at least a thousand times-and had never seen this on them.
"Shut it, Lennox. He'll be back in like ten minutes with his dragon's speed-he's been itching to go home and surprise his sister so let's get this done before he comes back," Anderson smacked Lennox upside the side of the head.
"Right, sorry Lieutenant Anderson. Well who want to go first?" Lennox asked.
"I will. Sup, Sergeant," Matthews beamed brightly now as the camera zoomed in on him, "So, we all decided to go around our little Strike One group here and just let ya know how thankful we are to have you as the leader of the unit. I mean shit, you saved my life a week ago-you got shot for me. Don't think I'll ever be able to repay that debt to you my friend. Anyway wanted to say thanks for all the laughs in Basic and since being here, I was terrified as shit when we got deployed but somehow-you didn't panic and you're younger than all of us, except Theo. You're an awesome friend and I'm proud to fight beside you. Love ya bro," the screen zoomed out with Matthews giving a thumbs up.
"Alright sap, geeze. It's a thank you, not a marriage proposal." Said Tarelto chuckling.
"You zip it, he saved your ass too in the mission. You were shocked as fuck to find out that our 120 pound Sergeant hulked your almost 190 pound body over his shoulder and off the streets in a fire fight to get you out of there when you were knocked out,"
"Stop your arguing, whose next?" Anderson asked them.
"Bring that phone over here, I got something to say to 'im," Lennox smiled as the camera zoomed in on him. "Hey, Haddock. Been a long ten months huh? Was sure I'd be dead by now with some of the positions we got ourselves into durin missions...but you-you fucker, always managed to get us out safely even if it meant you got hurt doing it. You're a fighter-some of us really didn't think you had it in ya to survive this long. Seventeen years old, Sergeant, and dragon rider of a damn Night Fury. I'm jealous as shit but you're a damn good friend to all of us, Haddock. You're the brother I wish my parents had instead of givin me four little sisters. Hope one of these days I can save your life and pay ya back for savin my hide all this time. Thanks for all you do for us, Sergeant. You're the bomb-no war pun intended. Stay you my brother," Hayden already felt the tears forming in his eyes but they didn't fall down his cheeks. The camera zoomed out now.
"My turn!" Tarelto said, "Hey jackass, thanks for savin my life during that mission. You're a lot stronger than you look for a kid. And I ain't hittin on ya either but if I was gay-I'd snatch you up in a heartbeat," Hayden saw the others face-palm and he actually did it himself too but still watched the screen, "Annnd now I've made this awkward. Sure hope when you see this you don't have a girlfriend, I swear I'm not competing for ya. Any girl to get you is gonna be lucky and we better get invited to the weddin too or we'll crash it like the drunkards we are!" The others laughed a bit now as Hayden just shook his head in defeat. Only Tarelto. "Well guess I better make this short, like the other said: you're fucking awesome, Haddock and we're lucky we got you as unit leader. You're a great soldier and a greater friend, love ya like a brother. Peace out!"
The camera moved to Ritka now who only shook his head at Tarelto's piece, "You're such an idiot, Tarelto. For all you know the Sergeant is bi or gay and he has the hots for you," Hayden face-palmed again shaking his head again with a sigh. "Don't worry bro-I ain't gay for you either. I got a girl and daughter back home, they on Visithug right now-can't wait to see them when we go on leave. Told my lil girl she could call you Uncle Hiccup, Theo mentioned it was your nickname," Hayden turned and glared back at Theo now who nervously whistled, then Hayden looked back to the screen. "Anyway, like with what Lennox said: a lot of us might be dead if not for you on missions. We mainly did this because we know you've been kind'a miserable since Oivind died-you know it ain't your fault so we hope you ain't blamin yourself. I know that...Tarelto, Lennox, Anderson, and myself didn't know him well but if he was a friend to you then he was a friend to us too. We just want ya to know that we're glad you're our leader and we're proud to fight by you. Glad to know you got our backs so you can bet your ass we'll always have yours. You're our brother and we love ya, Sergeant. Thanks for all you do for us," Ritka smiled wide as the camera went on Anderson last as Hayden saw his smiling face-the one same smile he gave before he died.
"Hey kid, I'll keep it short for ya-pretty sure we just heard Toothless so you'll be back soon. The others took what I was gonna say so now I gotta wing it. Seventeen or not, Haddock: you're a damn good soldier and friend. I knew there was something about you when I met ya ten months ago. Told myself that 'this kid is gonna go far and do great things as soon as he finds the strength to believe in himself'. I named ya Strike One leader because you remind me of myself when I was your age, I only thought 'here comes trouble'. But you surprised me, kid. You aren't just a soldier to me, you're a one of my best friends and if nothing else-a little brother. Hope you know you can always come to me if you got a problem-not sure if I can solve them all but I'll do what I can. You're a sarcastic little shit too, always made me laugh. You're a good kid, not sure what made ya join the military but I'm glad ya did. We're all much happier with you as our friend and on our side-fightin with us. Call it doom and gloom but hope you know that although Oivind is gone, he's still with ya and if...any of us ever die-know we'd be with ya as we are in life. We got your back and we always will no matter how close or how far we are. You're family, Haddock-to all of us," Anderson said as all of them now stood together in a salute with smiles. "Love ya, kid."
"So long for now little brother," they all said together-that did it. Hayden let the tears fall from his eyes as he hit his knees holding his arms with his head down. The others didn't know what to do, neither did the officers. Hayden had never seen that part of the video before-how hadn't he!? Theo got off the couch now and moved in front of Hayden.
"Why didn't you tell me about this..." Hayden asked him.
"Hayden...I didn't know about it. That wasn't me recording," Theo admitted to him. Hayden just cried-he didn't know what else to do but that. An unseen part of the video where his friends stole his phone to leave thank you messages to him, calling him brother. How did he even respond to this? He didn't...know what to do except cry and for once he really didn't care who saw him doing it. Theo just rubbed his back looking up at the video-it was left on a shot of the guys and Anderson saluting and smiling. After a good ten minutes of silence except for Hayden's crying, they watched him get up slowly and move towards the door-he stepped out and just looked up at the sky.
"Thank you," was all he said before taking a deep breath-then a smile slowly came to his lips, "You are all a bunch of assholes-but thank you my friends, my brothers,"
