A/N: Early again but I wanted to post something on the first day of the new year (Happy New Year everyone!) and also I need the serotonin I get from comments lol. Here's to 2021 being better than 2020. Lord knows the bar for it to be is pretty fucking low.
Chapter #21:
Merry Chrysler
"She lives her life like a flame; a dance of purposeful chaos… Her enchanting light can guide you and quell your fears… She's hot; warming those who respect her and burning those who don't… She is a flame with an unforgettable glow… A weak man will try to dim her luminance… but her soul mate will take pleasure in fanning the blaze." —Steve Mariboli
"Gift time you heathens!" Tony yelled loudly. It was third time trying to get our attention since most had chosen to ignore him the first two times. Christmas dinner was a more intimate affair than Thanksgiving had been, and it took place on the evening before Christmas rather than the actual holiday. Really, it was almost a normal family dinner night with the exception of Pepper and Betty being here. Rhodey wasn't here, he was with his own large family, and tomorrow morning Tony and Pepper actually were going to fly out and see them. Apparently, Tony, the guy who adopted any sad looking soul who stood still long enough, had been adopted by Rhodey's mom and family years ago. Bruce and Betty were also planning on leaving tomorrow morning for their own Christmas vacation. Thor wasn't here. He was either out in New Mexico with Jane or in Asgard. There was really no telling since he refused to carry a phone.
That left the usual crew to eat and drink while celebrating the holiday season. I was still bummed out that Granny couldn't come, but I had facetimed her earlier today and planned on calling her tomorrow too.
I threw myself onto the couch with a grin. Seconds later, Clint sprinted to the couch to throw himself on top of me. With a laugh, I tried to escape but it was all for naught. Hawkeye tackled me into the cushions. If I wasn't so tipsy it might've hurt.
"Children, calm down." Natasha smirked and took a seat beside us. Like the redhead, the others took open seats in the living space like normal human beings. Clint finally got off me, but the only reason he did was to hurry over to the tree and dig through wrapped gifts with Tony. The air was filled with conversation and laughter. I think I was more drunk off it than the many spiked eggnogs Clint kept shoving into my hands.
Tony and Clint were throwing out presents and my eyes widened as my pile grew. I knew the Avengers had gotten me gifts, but to see it in person was shocking. The last wrapped gift I had gotten was from a secret santa party my dorm threw freshman year in college. It had been an ugly ass sweater and not the fun Christmas kind.
"Alright, my gifts first." Tony demanded as he pointed around the circle. He still held a small red box with a golden bow on it. All his gifts were wrapped in shades of red and gold. He tossed me the box, and I caught it with ease. "That one's for you, sunshine."
I stared down at the suspiciously small box, "Tony Stark, if there are car keys in this box I will kick your ass." The group chuckled while opening their own gifts. Tony just smirked at me and I shook my head, "Stark."
"Open it already!" Tony replied.
I yanked the box off and opened the small box to see a Jeep. A wide grin spilt across my features as I pulled out a toy car that could fit in the palm of my had. It was a gray two-door Jeep. My eyes glanced up to meet Tony's. He was beaming at me, "Like it?"
"I love it." I replied with a laugh.
"Good. The life size model is in the garage."
My eyes widened and Pepper smacked him, "He's joking."
The other gifts Tony got for everyone were also small knick-knacks, and it was kind of funny to see the billionaire give such simple things. Clint had gotten a keychain shaped like a dumpster which everyone, expect him, thought was hilarious and fitting. Bruce went next, his gift was wrapped in a really pretty blue paper, and when I tore it open my eyes landed on a pack of Avenger themed fuzzy socks. I immediately tore open the pack while the others continued with their gifts and swapped the Christmas themed socks for the Hulk pair.
"You're gonna choose the Hulk pair when mine are literally right there?" Clint grabbed the purple Hawkeye ones to shove in my face and I kicked him back to the floor.
Natasha went next and I was surprised to see that everyone got something knitted. I pulled on the cozy, dark green beanie, "You knit?"
"It's relaxing." Natasha replied with a shrug, "Plus, it's the only hobby where I can also use the tools to stab someone with."
"She's not joking." Steve added while wrapping the blue and red scarf he got around his neck. Then around and around it went, with everyone opening their gifts. Clint's gifts were an absolute wreck. I got a random baseball cap with a small Captain America shield on the forehead, which I actually really liked, but Tony ended up with a too small plaid button up wrapped in a Walmart bag. Pepper got me a cute pair of earrings, claiming the price limit didn't apply to her since she was also thanking me for putting up with Tony, and Betty got me a book I had mentioned to Bruce that I wanted to read.
It didn't hit me until Tony picked up my gift, but I suddenly realized I was actually nervous. These were the Avengers for crying out loud and I picked out random less than $20 items for them to keep. Plus, after getting their cute gifts I just felt kind of lame. Would they like them? Think they were dumb?
For Tony, I got a giant white mug that read 'World's Okay-est Boss'. He let out a bark of laughter when he read the words and immediately turned to show Pepper with a smirk.
For Clint, I framed the pet adoption papers he got me after signing my name at the bottom. His eyes lit up in excitement and he whipped around to brag to Tony that he had officially won custody.
For Natasha, I made her a blue and white braided bracelet that matched the red and black one I made for myself and now wore. We had joked about it on girls' night after watching a movie where the characters had matching bracelets. She smirked and used her free hand and teeth to tie it to her left wrist.
For Bruce, I had gotten him a set of two ties. One was light blue and covered in a cute little doodles of all sorts of science equipment, and the other was light green with a little gamma radiation sign at the bottom. Bruce chuckled, shooting me a thankful smile, and Betty leaned over to wrap the gamma radiation around his neck and loosely tie it sloppily over the tie he already wore.
For Steve, I had gotten him a vintage, bomber style, dark brown leather jacket. The fur around the neck was a light cream, but a little worn out. Steve stared at it with wide eyes while Tony immediately jumped up to claim I had broken the limit, but I jumped up to argue otherwise. I had found the jacket in a pawn shop and basically fist fought the guy for him to only charge me $19.98. Tony narrowed his eyes suspiciously and slowly sat down. Steve slid the jacket on, luckily it fit perfect, and he grinned at me.
Pepper and Betty had both gotten sweaters from me, and I had actually gone over the $20 limit for both of them. Not that I'd ever admit. I didn't need Clint chirping into my ear repeatedly about how I broke the rules.
Overall, it was a successful first Avengers Christmas Eve. All the cute gifts I had were amazing, but the warmth in my chest was the best gift of all. It had me feeling like a cheesy main character of some cheap ass Hallmark Christmas movie, but I didn't even care. The others began to disperse around the penthouse, but before I could get up, Steve crossed the space between us to sit next to me.
"Thanks for the jacket." He hummed while rubbing his hand down the front. Steve smirked, "You know this is the wrong era though."
"Ok, I actually did know that, thank you." I scoffed and he chuckled. "I just thought it'd look good on you and I was right."
Steve's smile softened and I watched as he pulled a wrapped square out from under the coffee table and held it up to me, "For you."
My eyes widened as I took the red and white gift from him, "What do you mean? You already gave me the blanket." Steve had bought random things for each person too, and I thought the thick, warm blanket he got me was perfect. I'd get to use it during every Netflix night we had. "You can't get me two things! I only got you one!"
"That was not one of our set rules." Steve shook his head with a grin. He shrugged nonchalantly, "The rule was under $20 and everything I got you totals to under that limit."
I twisted my lips into a fake pout and bumped my shoulder into his, not that it did much to his hulking form, "I'm getting you back for this."
"Just open it." Steve chuckled. I turned my attention to the gift and began to peel away the wrapping paper. Inside was a picture frame, but when I flipped it over I realized rather than being a camera taken photo it was a drawing. A sketch. It looked like it was done in pencil, but it was of me and Granny. She was beaming at me with a warm smile while I laughed. The art literally looked like a moment frozen in time though. With wide eyes and mouth agape, I snapped my head back to Steve. The blond was smiling, but he looked a little nervous as well, "What do, uh, what do you think?"
"You drew this?" I gasped, still in awe. Steve nodded once and I turned to look at it again. This was incredible. My own art skills were below zero, but I recognized amazing work when I saw it. A chuckle fell from my lips and I gave him a watery smile, "I don't even know what to say, Steve. I love it."
His nervous smile morphed into the one I was more familiar with and I didn't hesitate to throw my arms around him in a tight hug. As we pulled back from one another, I was startled by Clint who was standing inches away while leaning on the back of the couch.
"Jesus." I mumbled.
"No, it's Clint." He replied and I rolled my eyes. "I have another gift for you too, Aj."
Clint shoved a tiny box into my hands and my eyes narrowed at him in suspicion. Steve getting me a second gift was sweet and kind and perfect, but one coming from Clint screamed 'prank' and 'bad idea'. Cautiously, I popped the top off with my thumb, expecting something to jump out at me, but instead a small cutting of some plant sat inside. It took me a second to realize it was mistletoe.
"Damn it, Barton." Steve snapped. I glanced up to see him glaring at Clint with pink tinted cheeks. The tips of his ears turned red. It was one of Steve's tell-tale signs that he was embarrassed.
"Wait, what the fuck did he do?" I heard Tony yell from somewhere across the room.
Steve turned to me, the panicked look in his eyes told me he was about to start stumbling over his words, but I rolled my eyes and reached out to grab his chin. I pulled him forward, turning his head a bit, and planted a kiss on his cheek, by the corner of his lips, for a few seconds. When I leaned back, Steve's entire expression could only be described as soft.
"Whoa, hold on, what the hell was that?" Clint complained. "On the cheek? What sort of kindergarten bullshit is this? I expected on the lips at least, maybe some tongue—"
His words were cut off when something hit the back of his head and exploded in hunks of already melting snow. Clint spun around and saw Tony holding another snowball that he must have gotten off the snow covered deck. He pelted it, Clint ducked, and then Steve reached out to pull us down as well, so the chunk of snow flew over our heads as well.
"Don't start something you can't finish, Stark!" Clint yelled and sprinted to the deck doors.
Pepper, who was standing beside Natasha at the bar, both with mugs of something warm, shook her head, "My boyfriend is twelve."
"Lucky. Mine is seven." Natasha rolled her eyes. Still, the two of them watched their loved ones wrestle outside on the deck in the snow with small smiles of affection drawn on their features. Clint shoved a handful down the back of Tony's shirt, and then Tony retaliated by pushing down on Clint's head so his face pressed into the snow that collected on the deck floor.
"I, uh, I didn't put him up to that, I swear." Steve cleared his throat.
I chuckled and hugged the picture frame to my chest, "I know. Still, sorry I just grabbed and kissed you. I figured cheek would be a safe bet, but I still should've asked. I just wanted to shut the bird man up."
"No, it's fine! More than fine. Not more than I just mean…" Steve sucked in a breath while I chuckled at him. He smirked, "So? How's this Christmas going so far? We doing ok?"
I grinned, "More than ok. This might just be the best Christmas I've ever had, and yes, part of the reason for that is because Tony is currently drowning Clint in three inches of snow."
Steve laughed and I leaned against his shoulder to stare down at my newest Christmas gift a little more. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and we both settled back into the couch.
How'd I get so lucky?
Once upon a time, Christmas was his favorite holiday. He didn't remember that until recently. Aj had told him a story of how she always wanted to go ice skating, and it resurfaced an old memory he thought was lost. Steve and him taking Rebecca all the way out to Central Park so they could skate. Of the three of them, Rebecca was the only one who could stay on her feet. Walking home in slightly damp clothes from busting his ass so many times hadn't even bothered him. The memory was too happy to be soiled by the cold. That seemed to be happening a lot lately. Talking to Aj would shed light to old memories buried deep in his brain.
It was one of the many reasons why he loved talking to her.
When he had originally called her, he knew it had been a terrible, terrible idea. Every survival instinct in him screamed that it was a mistake. Bucky had to know she was okay though. He couldn't really explain it, but he needed to hear her say she was okay. The call was supposed to be a one-time thing. A quick conversation followed by broken burner phones and the suppression of his memory of her. The moment she asked him if they could talk again though… God, he had wished he had been stronger.
A good man would've told her no, but Bucky didn't feel like a good man anymore.
He couldn't resist indulging in that selfish desire.
Talking to her numbed the ache in the back of his mind. Ever since they started, he hadn't had a missing identity day since. Bucky still had nightmares. He didn't think anything would ever halt the overwhelming dreams of blood and death. Hell, he had come to terms with the fact that he deserved it. It was his hands who took those lives, shouldn't he live the rest of his own life haunted by the fact? It only seemed fair. Whenever he woke up from those nightmares though, he remembered who he was. There were still moments. Times where his consciousness would drift away and he felt the tether to who he was slipping away, but it never lasted as long as it usually did.
Bucky felt like he was on solid ground today. He had a good grasp on his mental state. The problem was that a holiday like this reminded him of everything he had lost. As hard as he tried, he couldn't remember the last Christmas he spent with his mother and sister. That's what he had been doing for the past hour. Sitting at this small patio table in a beautifully decorated plaza listening to the soft hum of Romanian carols sung by a choir on the other side of the plaza. Bucky desperately tried to remember the last gift he gave Rebecca, but nothing came to him.
The sharp shrill of an incoming phone call actually made him jump in his seat. With a frown, he shoved his hand into his pocket and pulled out the tiny burner phone in his much larger hand. A number he ironically had memorized flashed on the screen. Aj was calling him. It was nearly 1:30 in the afternoon here which meant it was around 6:30 in the morning in New York. Why was she calling so early?
Bucky leaned forward and flipped the phone open, not giving her a chance to speak, "Aj? Is everything ok? Are you—"
"Merry Christmas!" Her bright voice cheered through the speaker.
It took him a moment to calm his panic and realize what this call was. Bucky let out a sigh of relief. He covered his face with his gloved hand, "Jesus, you scared me."
"Oops." Aj chuckled over the line. "My bad."
"Yeah, you sound real remorseful." Bucky replied. The sorrow he had been wallowing in seemed to momentarily drift away. He dropped his hand from his face and settled into his seat for hopefully a long conversation, "Merry Christmas, doll."
"I wasn't sure if I'd get the time to talk to you later. I think it's gonna be a busy day, but I couldn't not talk to you. Especially on Christmas." Aj explained with ease. "I got the morning off from working out so I'm walking to our coffee shop right now."
Our coffee shop.
It was such a small thing and it was probably pathetic how much it warmed his heart. Despite her having no earthly idea where he was, Aj always talked as if he was a friend sitting right there next to her.
"Well thanks, talking to you is the best gift I could get today." Bucky admitted.
Aj's voice rose slightly as excitement filled her, he wished he could see the grin he knew she was wearing, "I actually got you a gift!"
"Huh?"
"I mean, obviously I can't give it to you today, and I doubt you'll give me an address so I can mail it." Aj continued nonchalantly, but Bucky was still hung up on the words 'I got you a gift'.
It took him a second to get his tongue working, "You…You bought me something?"
"Of course, I did, dummy." Aj scoffed. "Wanna know what it is?" All he could bring himself to do was hum an affirmative to her question. Aj needed no further prodding. She continued, "So, ok, it's a magnet—"
"You bought me a magnet?" Bucky asked in disbelief. He felt his lips twitching up in amusement. She was going to be the death of him, he swore it.
"Yes, I did." Aj said firmly, defending her choice. "It's really cute. It's that picture of Steve in his Captain America get-up, the one they used in enlistment posters where's he's pointing—" Bucky knew exactly what picture she was talking about. He could even remember teasing Steve about it years ago. "—Anyways, it's him pointing and the words around him say, 'I want you to have a very good day'."
Bucky broke down into laughter at the thought. He couldn't help it. All he could picture was the cute dame bouncing around a store, seeing a magnet like that, and immediately thinking of him. This was another reason he loved talking to her. The only times he laughed these days was with her. Just like in the bunker, there was something about her that filled him with light. Sitting here at this table, he wasn't some broken villain mourning a past life. He was Bucky Barnes, enjoying a conversation with his gal, wishing he could see her.
"I'm assuming you didn't plan on sticking it to my fridge."
"Oh, of course not. That's so boring." Aj chuckled. "It's going on your arm, for sure. That way you always remember to have a very good day."
God, her words made him feel soft, but he knew he didn't deserve it. Bucky felt his smile falter. He wasn't sitting in Romania talking to his gal, wishing she was here. Aj wasn't his gal, and he didn't deserve these stolen moments with her. Aj was filled with fire and every piece of her was made of some kind of chaotic recklessness. Bucky saw it the moment she rose from the ground, bleeding, to keep fighting. Aj was a fearless storm and she either didn't see the danger that surrounded him or chose to ignore it. Knowing her, it was the latter. The way she casually mentioned his arm, talked about sticking magnets to it, Aj didn't see it for what it was.
His arm was a weapon of mass destruction.
He cleared his throat and tried to remain casual, but he couldn't hold back the tenseness in his voice, "There's a reason I keep the arm hidden, Aj. It's not exactly comforting for others to look at. Not to mention…" Bucky swallowed a lump in his throat, "It's associated with some God-awful moments."
"When I think of your arm, I think about how nice it felt on my face." Aj said suddenly. He knew she was blushing. Bucky always knew when she was. Her voice shifted when she was embarrassed. His mind drifted to the memory of resting his hand on her face, trying to stave away a burning fever, "And, it gave me relief when I held it while going in and out of consciousness. Not to mention you used it to get me out of that hellhole." She let out a small chuckle, but all he could think about was how shocked he was the first time she grabbed his hand without hesitation. Even people who didn't know the story behind the metal prosthetic, they paused because of how terrifying it tended to look. Aj in all her chaotic, loving energy had just grabbed it tightly with a soft smile in return. "Bucky, there's no part of you that doesn't bring me comfort. No part of you that doesn't make me feel safe."
Was he still sitting? He was, but it felt like he was floating away. Bucky felt like the entire plaza was shifting and that if he let go of the metal table he would just drift away. As if her first words hadn't blown him away enough, she added, "As lame as it sounds… I think every inch of you is amazing."
Bucky should argue. A part of him wished he could reach through the phone and shake some sense into her. His mouth wouldn't—couldn't form the scolding words though. Every word soothed him, and he was just selfish enough to take his own comfort from her voice. As much as he knew that he didn't deserve this, by God was he so thankful that the universe let his path cross hers.
"You're too good to me, doll, you know that?" Bucky replied, his voice a little more broken and huskier than he meant it to be. His words had been more of a harsh whisper.
Aj let out a soft sigh, "I wish you were here. Steve wishes it too, you know?"
"I know."
His acknowledgement was followed by a moment of silence. She began to order multiple coffees and donuts on the other end of the line. Bucky wished he could be in their coffee shop beside her. He also wished, more than anything, that he could see Steve. It hurt to think of his best friend, his brother, and the pain he was causing him. If he was back home, he could simply pull Steve aside and ask the blond what he got Rebecca for last Christmas. Steve would remember. He had always been one of the most important people in Bucky's life and now he was the last connection he had to his pre-military past. It all came back to that guilt though. Bucky wanted to spend Christmas with Steve and Aj, more than anything, but he knew deep down he wasn't worthy of that kind of happiness.
"What are your plans today?" Bucky asked when she finished ordering. He didn't like leaving long gaps of silences, though they didn't happen often in the first place. Still, Bucky was always afraid the silence would make Aj grow bored and that she'd hang up.
"I actually have no idea." Aj laughed lightly. "Clint just told me that I needed to be ready, but he didn't clarify anything beyond that." Bucky felt like he knew each Avenger personally. The stories Aj told seemed to put him in the moment. It's why he knew Clint was the disaster of a human archer. "Knowing him it could be literally anything, both legal or illegal, and it probably involves mistletoe of some kind."
Aj ended her sentence with a snort that was somewhere between amused and tired. Bucky couldn't help but chuckle, mildly confused, "Your adopted father is trying to kiss you?"
"Ew, no!" Aj cried out and he shook his head with a grin. She let out a small laugh that sounded suspiciously like music to his ears. Damn it, he was pathetic. "He keeps trying to get me and Steve under it."
Bucky hated how quickly his smile fell and how his shoulders instinctively stiffened at the words. Aj didn't seem to notice and continued telling him the story of how Clint had given her a small box as a fake Christmas present last night when she was sitting beside Steve and it ended up being a clipping of mistletoe. He felt a pang of something in his chest and it took a few seconds to recognize it as jealousy. Jesus Christ, he was fucking jealous.
"You should've seen how red Steve turned." Aj was still laughing, "Even the tips of his ears went red. I knew Clint wasn't gonna leave us alone, so I kissed him on the cheek. I was worried I'd be crossing a line into his personal space, but he didn't mind so that's good."
Yeah, of course the punk wouldn't mind. Bucky had his suspicions, listening to the stories Aj provided him about Steve, but he always shoved them aside and didn't bother digging further. This evidence essentially sucker punched him. Steve liked her. Bucky understood why, there was no confusion there. Aj was a hell of a dame, and Steve always went weak kneed for strong, independent women.
"I mean, if Clint had made my friendship awkward with him over a prank I would've—… hey? Bucky?"
"Y—Yeah?" He blurted a little more forced than he meant.
"Oh." Aj replied. "I just wasn't sure if I lost you there for a second, I couldn't hear you."
Yeah because he was too busy being in crisis to reply to anything. Bucky rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, "Nah, just listening real close. You know what your voice does to me, doll."
Bucky flinched at his own damn words. He needed to stop saying shit like that. Aj chuckled and lowered her voice, "Oh yeah? Am I making the ever-charming Bucky Barnes swoon?"
If somebody accused him of swooning 70 years ago, he would've denied it up and down seven different ways to Sunday. Bucky Barnes doesn't swoon. Right now, though? There was no better word to describe the way his pathetic ass felt. Bucky shifted in his seat and cleared his throat, "Uh, something like that. You get your coffees yet?"
"Huh? Oh, no not yet. I ordered a bunch to bring back to the Tower." She answered. "Mostly so if they ask why I left the Tower I have a valid excuse."
Bucky sighed; it was reminder that because of him she was lying to people she cared about. Lying to Steve, "Sorry."
"For fuck's sake—" He could almost hear her roll her eyes at him, "How many times do I have to tell you that I love talking to before you believe me? If telling a few white lies is the price then whatever. It's a price I'm willing to pay."
The conversation shifted to something lighter after she picked up her order and made her way back to the Tower in the cold. Bucky tried to fully understand what he felt. His brain was broken, maybe that meant his emotions were all fucked up too. Realistically speaking, you couldn't fall for someone over the phone, right? If you didn't count the three days in the bunker from hell, then he had only talked to her for two weeks. Granted, during those two weeks they talked for at least an hour every day, usually more, and then they also texted. Still, that was nothing. Bucky was not falling for her. He was not falling for his best friend's gal.
"Alright, well I'm outside the Tower." Aj said sadly. "Are you going to do something fun today?"
"Does talking to you count?" He asked.
"No." She chuckled, and he was glad he could make her laugh one more time. "Get a good Christmas dinner somewhere, Bucky. For me, ok?"
Bucky couldn't help but nod, "I promise."
"Ok." Aj said slowly, drawing out their goodbye. She spoke again, "Well, you make sure that you have a very good day today."
Bucky chuckled to himself and resisted the urge to tell her that any day he talks to her is considered one. He cleared his throat, "Only if you do too."
"Alright. I'll text you later and let you know if Clint dragged me to rob a bank or something." Aj replied, and he smiled at the excitement in her voice, "Merry Christmas, Bucky. Wish you were here. Maybe you'd have a better chance of keep Clint's mistletoe away from me since Tony has been struggling."
"I…" He swallowed, "Merry Christmas, doll."
He hung up the phone and pressed one hand over his eyes. He was not going to picture standing under the mistletoe with Aj. He was not going to picture standing under the mistletoe. He was not—
Bucky abruptly stood up and began to move. Walking would clear his head. Sitting at that small, restricting table would leave him in the chasm of questions that the conversation had left him with. Here's what he knew:
His name was James Buchanan Barnes. Bucky to his friends. He was from Brooklyn. His mother's name was Winnifred Barnes. His sister's name was Rebecca Barnes. He served in the 107th infantry. His best friend's name was Steve Rogers. His best friend was head over heels for a firecracker of a dame. And, Bucky Barnes was 100%, definitely, super not falling for Aj Bradshaw.
His feet came to a stuttering stop as he noticed a little, dark haied girl bouncing down the sidewalk next to her father. She had on a pale blue dress and the color of it made his heart skip a beat. He knew what he did for his last Christmas. Bucky had bought her a bow. Rebecca had been devastated when she lost the ribbon she used to wear in her hair. So, Bucky and Steve scrounged up as much spare money they could to buy her a pale blue ribbon she could wear in her dark hair. A hair accessory to show off to all the other girls in her class that had been messing with her.
It was a memory he spent hours trying to yank out his malfunctioning brain, but after a 45 minute conversation with Aj the memory leaked to the forefront of his mind as easily as water leaked out of a broken bowl.
Bucky tore his gaze away from the small family that was now disappearing down the street. With a loud groan, he threw his head back and covered his face with his hands. The people passing him by that spared him a concerned look were ignored.
Fuck, shit, damn it.
His name was James Buchanan Barnes. Bucky to his friends. And, he was 100%, definitely, super falling for Aj Bradshaw.
I rode the elevator all the way up to penthouse, still glowing from getting to talk to Bucky at least a little today, and when I stepped off, I was greeted by an unusual sight. There were a lot of things I expected. In fact, I once came off the elevator and walked in on Clint hanging upside down from the second story railing above the dining area, using his bow to aim an arrow at a target that Tony was holding above his head. All of this occurring at 3:24 in the morning, mind you. Right now though, all I could do was stare at the giant, plush bunny sitting beside our large Christmas tree.
"Holy shit." I breathed.
"What do you think?" Tony called out with his hands extended out toward it as he came out of the kitchen with Pepper. Unlike her helpful boyfriend, she hurried over to me to help me juggle the boxes of donuts and coffees I had bought.
I blinked in surprise, but the surprise slowly turned to awe, "It's so fucking huge. I love it!"
Tony shot Pepper a look, and she rolled her eyes with a small grin, "You two really are cut from the same cloth."
She drifted away with the boxes, and I pointed to the bunny, "How'd you even get it up here?"
"Quinjet." Tony replied. "And a lot of determination."
"Nice." I admired it again before turning to Tony, "So? When do you and Pepper leave?"
"Pretty soon. The spy kids and old man are heading up soon. We were gonna say good-bye then head out." Tony shrugged. Bruce and Betty's flight had been crazy early so we had said our good-byes before going to bed. Tony suddenly wrapped his arm around my shoulders and began to drag me to the kitchen, "I bought you so many nice coats and you only wear this one."
I glanced down at the dark green, canvas jacket, "I like it."
"Yeah, yeah." Tony wave my words off and let go of me to grab a donut, "Well, when we go to Paris, I expect you to pack a few other jackets. Preferably ones that didn't used to belong to a homeless, blood thirsty amnesiac."
I glared at him, "Tony. You know how I feel about you talking shit on Bucky."
"Right. My bad." He replied nonchalantly. "I didn't think it'd distract you from the main part of that statement."
It took me a second to register his words and then my eyes widened, "Wait, what? Paris?"
"There it is." Tony smirked and pointed at me. He shot a look of excitement to Pepper who came back into the kitchen to join us. "She figured it out, Pep."
"I told you to tell her like a normal human being, Tony."
I shook my head and held my hands up to stop the conversation flowing over my head. In the background, I heard the elevator open back in the main area. I pointed at Tony, "Explain yourself, tin man."
"We go on vacation after Christmas and before New Year's. So far, we've done skiing and tropical, this year is Paris." Tony beamed.
Technically, he had explained it, yet I still felt confused. Natasha walked into the kitchen and saddled up to stand beside me while reaching for a donut, "The day after tomorrow he's flying us out to Paris for four days. We're going to Disney."
My eyes widened again and Tony scoffed, "I wanted to tell her that part."
"Then why didn't you?" Natasha retorted with a smirk.
"We're going to Disneyland?" I asked in shock. The three others in the kitchen shot me a variety of smiles. Natasha's was amused, Pepper's was kind, and Tony's was the kind of smile he got when one of his extravagant gifts hit just right. Realistically speaking, I was a mature 26-year-old woman who could handle this news with tact and a normal amount of excitement. However, I found myself buzzing with delight, "Oh my God!"
I was going to vacation in Paris, France with a stop at Disneyland. This was the kind of vacation I would dream up in my head while trying to pass out in a bed that did not belong to me in a foster house that was hardly a home. The dream always ended with me being bitter and accepting that it wasn't going to happen and that I didn't even have a family to go with me. Yet, here I was. Going to Disney, going to Paris, and I had a family.
A projectile flew past my head and landed in the box of donuts right in front of me. I glanced down to see mistletoe sitting in the hole of a donut, and behind me Clint jumped into the kitchen loudly with an, 'Aha!'. We all turned around to look at him, and he surveyed the room. His arms fell in disappointment, "What the shit? Rogers isn't even in here."
"How did you become a spy again?" Tony motioned to him, "Your observation skills are absolute shit."
"Hey, it's Christmas. You're not supposed to hurt my feelings on Christmas."
"Criticizing you has no holidays."
"Morning." Steve walked in behind Clint. The archer barked out a curse that Steve raised an eyebrow at in confusion. Clint marched over, grabbed the donut with the mistletoe, and then hopped onto the counter to eat his snack. "Merry Christmas?"
I chuckled, "Merry Christmas, Captain Rogers."
His confusion melted away, and he came to stand between me and Tony. The latter of the men clapped his hands, "Alright. Time to say good-bye. I'm sick of you assholes and I want alone time with Pep."
"This is why she chose me as her father." Clint pointed to me with a mouthful of glazed donut.
Tony flipped him off, and everyone moved on from the argument. I gave Pepper a tight hug, thanking her for the earrings she got me again, and wishing her a Merry Christmas. I winked at her, "Sorry you have to put up with Tony alone."
"I'll try to endure it." She joked back.
"If I had known you were both gonna be mean to me I never would've introduced you two." Tony scoffed and pulled away from a hug with Natasha to yank me away from Pepper. I slammed into his chest and he wrapped his arms around me tightly, "Now, I know you're gonna miss me, sunshine, but I'm only a phone call away. Keep that in mind when you're crying yourself to sleep tonight."
I scoffed and untangled myself from his arms, "Gee, thanks."
"You, stop trying to corrupt our daughter." Tony glared at Clint who only gave him a smug, shit-eating grin. He then spun to clap Steve on the shoulder, "And you, keep your lips off hers, you 96-year-old shit. You'd be robbing the cradle."
Steve's face went red again, "Hey I'm not—it isn't like—"
"Don't you have a flight to catch?" I snapped at Tony.
Tony just snickered in amusement with a shrug, "Hey, it's my plane. It's not gonna leave without me."
Pepper wrapped her arms around his shoulders and began to drag him out of the kitchen, "Here's my last gift to all of you. I'm getting him out of your hair."
The kitchen echoed with thanks that varied from "Thank God!" and "You're a saint." To "Hell yeah!" and "Good riddance."
"Absolute traitors." Tony cursed and leaned back into Pepper with a grin, "See you assholes in Paris!"
Tony whipped around and wrapped his arms around Pepper. She let out a laugh as he picked her up and carried her to the elevator. I turned and leaned my elbows on the island counter, "So what's the plan for us? Are we robbing a bank?"
"That's not a bad idea." Clint shrugged.
"Stark throws money at us. Why would we need to rob a bank?" Natasha questioned and Steve nodded in agreement.
"For the accomplishment of it, duh." I shrugged and Clint pointed at me with his own nod of agreement. Steve rolled his eyes and grabbed my hand. He began to pull me out of the kitchen. "And where are we going?"
Steve yanked on my hand making me stumble into him and he replaced holding my hand with wrapping an arm around my shoulders as we went to the elevator, "Figured we'd give Nat and Clint Christmas morning to themselves. Plus, you may have skipped working out today, but you aren't skipping out on the gun range."
It was a good idea. The couple deserved a little alone time with one another on the holiday, but I still groaned at the thought of going down to the gun range, "I hate shooting. I'd have a better chance of hurting the bad guys by throwing the damn gun at them."
"You're not wrong." Steve countered and I jabbed my elbow into his ribs. He laughed and shook his head, "That's why we're going down to practice."
I scoffed, "I'm going down to practice. You're going down to laugh at me."
"Also, correct."
It took a moment for the elevator to get to us since Tony and Pepper had just taken it down to the garage. While we waited, I pulled out my phone to call Granny. It was a little after 6:30 in Alabama since they were an hour behind. That's early for most normal human beings, but I knew Granny was an early riser.
"Hello?" Granny greeted.
I hit the speaker button while stepping into the elevator with Steve, "Merry Christmas, Granny! You're on with me and Steve."
"Merry Christmas, Rosie." Steve chimed in.
"Aww, you sweethearts." Granny gushed, "Merry Christmas to y'all too. I wish I could be there… thank you for keeping my Aimee Jane company, Steve."
Steve chuckled, "Someone has to do it, right?"
Granny laughed like a schoolgirl trying to impress her crush and I narrowed my eyes at Steve who just gave me a smug smirk. Little shit. On the way down, we told her about Christmas eve dinner and the surprise plans for later that I was apparently not allowed to know about.
"Oh, I know where you're going." Granny chuckled.
I was standing in the gun range waiting for Steve to come back with whatever guns they were gonna make me work with today. I let out a small gasp, "What do you mean you know?"
"I was talking to Clint about it yesterday."
"How often do you call the Avengers to talk?" I asked in surprise. Steve came back in with some pistol looking guns and a look of amusement on his face. A look that told me he knew the answer to that question.
Granny replied, "Enough to know that you're also going to Disneyland the day after tomorrow."
"How do you know more about my day to day life than I do?" I scoffed.
"Tony told her." Steve answered for her. "They were on the phone a couple weeks ago. He needed some information from her to make your passport."
I blinked in shock as I remembered passports were a thing. It's not like I had ever been out of the country very often. In fact, I had only left America once and it was a shitty trip to Russia. Between getting my skull knocked in and meeting Vladimir I didn't remember anyone asking to see my passport.
"How does he get me a passport without me knowing?" I asked. "Don't I have to like be there? For pictures or signatures or something?"
Steve shrugged, "I stopped questioning the little things like that a while ago."
"Forging official documents is not a little thing, Steven."
"For Tony Stark it is."
Granny chimed in, "I'm so excited for you. I know you're going to have so much fun, make sure you get me a souvenir!"
"Course, Granny. Do you think you'll be able to visit soon?"
"I'm still babysitting the kids." Granny replied and I appreciated that she didn't use my sister's name. "Hopefully soon though. You could always come down and visit yourself."
I don't think I was ready to meet my niece and nephews yet. They were kids and I didn't blame them for the sins of their mother, but I knew who I was as a person. The moment I saw them, I was going to love them. They were blood after all.
"Maybe." I lied. I knew Granny and Steve both saw through it easily, but neither called me out on it.
Granny quickly changed the topic, "Oh! Steve did you get my Christmas gift!"
"I did. Thank you for the sweater, Rosie." Steve replied with a smile. "I really like it."
"No, no, I meant the USO dancer uniform!"
Steve's eyes widened and I felt him turn to look at me in confusion, but I lowered my gaze to inconspicuously play with my bracelets. There was something really weird about handing Steve the skimpy dance uniform. I just knew I wouldn't be able to handle giving it to him without turning bright red for some reason so I figured I'd just leave it under my bed for the rest of forever. I think it all stemmed from Clint making that joke about me wearing it. I was perfectly normal until he did that. Well, normal for me, at least.
"No. I didn't get that actually." Steve said slowly.
"You didn't give it to him?"
I cleared my throat and avoided looking Steve in the eyes. I could feel the smug amusement radiating off him though, "Nope. Must have, uh—slipped my mind."
"Did you by chance try it on? I bet it would fit you, Aimee Jane—"
"Whoops, I gotta go shoot a gun. Love you Granny, Merry Christmas, bye!" I blurted in a rush before hanging up my phone. My eyes slowly drifted over to Steve. He was leaning against the divider, arms crossed, and smirk on his face. I narrowed my eyes at him, "You're enjoying this too much."
Steve just shrugged and lifted one hand to rub his jawline, "I told you. It's not often I get to see flustered Aj, and I really like her. Your face goes pink, all the way down to your collarbones, and your charismatic wit turns into panicked babbling."
"Hey, two can play at this game. You wanna be flustered? Because I can make you feel flustered just as easy, buddy." I pointed at him threateningly. The squeak in my voice didn't add the power I was hoping to put into the words though.
Steve pushed off the wall and held his hands out, "Try it. I'm not getting caught off guard today."
I tilted my head at the challenge while the overconfident Steve just leaned one hand against the ledge where the guns sat. With a determined smirk, I leaned forward, meeting him halfway, and spoke slowly. I let the words roll off my lips as sweet as honey as I could muster, "Keep looking at me like that, and I'm gonna start to think you're trying to get me into that USO dancer uniform, Steve."
He was supposed to turn red and stumble over his words like every other time we've joked around like this. Instead, he remained steady as his smirk turned into a soft smile. I was suddenly very aware that we were only a breath away from one another. His weighted gaze left my eyes and briefly traced down to my lips before coming right back up. I felt my stomach actually flip at the action. This wasn't supposed to be his reaction. Flirting as joke was a cornerstone of my personality. People don't take you seriously when you just flirt it off. I did it with Thor now when I saw him, I've done it jokingly with Sam before… Hell, I do it all the time with Bucky and admittedly there were times when the joke felt all too real and I needed to backpedal quick but it was easy to backpedal since we were on the phone.
This was the first time it happened with Steve.
I forced out a small laugh and quickly turned so I was facing the plexi glass that separated me from the range portion of this gun range. Quickly, I cleared my throat, "Ok, so maybe you win that round, Captain Rogers. I'll, uh, get you next time though."
"Uh huh." Steve replied.
"So, time to shoot!" I chirped and immediately reached for the noise cancelling headphones. I wrapped them around my neck and listened as Steve reminded me of different tips for when I fired the weapon. I recognized the handgun now, Clint had already worked with me with them, but I still listened intently to everything Steve said. The energy around us melted back into what it normally was, and I was thankful that my little slip up hadn't made things awkward. I don't know what the fuck that was about, but I'd bury it in the graveyard of things to ignore in my head.
'Dress warm'
That was the only hint Natasha gave me for where we were going, and it was hardly a hint since there was no place in all of New York City that wasn't cold right now. She hadn't said to pack a ski mask so I assumed the bank robbery thing was off the table. Steve and I had spent an hour down in the gun range. Luckily, after that first weird moment things had been completely normal from then.
I figured most of the clothes I wore this morning would be warm enough. I swapped the shirt for a sweater, wrapped a scarf around my neck a few times, and grabbed the beanie Natasha had made me. It was a dark green. The same shade as Bucky's jacket. I saw what she did there. I shot Bucky a quick text, 'Not robbing a bank, will keep you updated'.
Quickly, I parted my hair and braided it into two French braids before pulling the beanie over my head. The phone vibrated against the counter and I picked it up to read the text Bucky had just sent back.
'I'll keep an eye out on the news for you'.
I chuckled and shoved the phone into Bucky's jacket and clipped the pocket shut with the snap button it had. Technically speaking, it'd be smarter to just leave the phone at home, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to do it. What if Bucky needed to get in touch with me? Like, for an emergency or something? Not that I'd be very helpful in any emergency relating towards him.
I was halfway down to the lobby when Natasha told me to hurry my ass up. The lobby was still empty save for three familiar faces waiting for me by the front doors. Natasha was dressed similar to me. Warm coat, thick scarf, and a navy blue beanie over her bright red hair. Her hair had gotten longer and I knew she was planning on cutting it again soon. Steve had on a long tan, wool coat over a white sweater with a dark scarf hanging around his neck. It was definitely an outfit designed by the Black Widow.
"Took you long enough!" Clint barked out to me. He had on a black peacoat that I hadn't seen him wear before.
I pointed at him, "Wow. That's a really nice jacket, Clint."
Clint preened before popping his coat's collars, "Aw, thanks—"
"But you still somehow look homeless?" I raised an eyebrow at him, "How is that?"
"Ok, damn, that's uncalled for, kid."
Steve and Natasha chuckled before dragging the two of us out into the cold. All my questions were ignored while they lead me down the streets of Manhattan. It wasn't snowing right now but based on the way the clouds above us looked it would be at some point later today.
"Where are we going?" I demanded again with a laugh.
"Patience is a virtue, Aj." Clint replied from in front of me without even looking back.
I scoffed, "That's rich coming from you."
My arm was looped through Steve's arm, like it always did when we walked, and he used his other hand to pat the one holding onto his arm, "You'll like this, ok?"
"Really? Because I kind of feel like I'm being kidnapped."
"If you really wanna feel like you're being kidnapped, we can have Steve throw you over his shoulder." Clint glanced over his shoulder with a smirk, "I'd offer, but bad back you know…"
I narrowed my eyes, "Since when have you had a bad back?"
"Since I fell out of the vent and slammed onto the stove."
Natasha scoffed, "And who's fault was that?"
I chuckled and continued to follow the super spies. The small group of us walked all the way to Central Park. It was odd being out with all of them at once like this. Every person we passed shot us looks and a few even pulled their phones out to take non-subtle pictures of us. One girl had her phone up pointed at us, and I couldn't help but lift my hand to wave at her. Steve glanced to where I was waving and spotted the girl who turned bright red under both our gazes.
"Come on, come on." Clint whined and grabbed my hand. He yanked me away from Steve and the two of us went jogging through Central Park as Natasha and Steve followed behind us at a normal pace. Halfway up a path, Clint forced me to stop and pointed ahead to where a large crowd of people were ice skating. "You ready, kid?"
I grinned at him, "We're gonna ice skate?!"
Clint bounced beside me with the same amount of energy I felt. He dragged me down to a stand where a worker was renting out skates to a line of people. Despite always wanting to ice skate it was an experience I hadn't had the opportunity to explore.
"So, neither of you know how to ice skate?" Natasha raised an eyebrow as we sat on a bench tying the laces on our skates tight.
Steve's head snapped up, "Hey, I've been ice skating before."
"Not what I asked, old man." Natasha hummed before leaving to join Clint who was already on the ice.
I finished lacing up the old skates best I could. They were supposed to be tight, right? Steve was already standing and offered me his hand. I let him pull me up and we wobbled over to the ice. I glanced around, watching as eyes darted away from us, "Do you ever get used to people staring at you?"
"Eventually." Steve shrugged. "I don't even really notice it anymore. Unless they're being really obvious about it."
We got onto the ice, my feet shaking under me, and I held onto Steve's arm with a death grip. It was probably detrimental that I did though because the two of us glided over the ice for a couple of feet before we both went sprawling onto the ice in a mess of tangled limbs.
Steve let out a grunt, my elbow definitely jabbed into his gut when we fell, and I couldn't stop the laughter that exploded from me. Steve chuckled and leaned up onto his elbows to grin at me, "This is your fault."
"Excuse you!" I laughed. "You're supposed to be the skating pro! You couldn't use that super strength to keep us standing?"
"My super strength has nothing on your lack of balance."
I smacked the back of my hand into his chest, "My balance is just fine, thank you. I could've caught myself if I wasn't connected to a 230-pound lump of coal."
"You're the one who latched onto me, sweetheart."
We both stopped playfully bickering when two pairs of skates slid up beside us. Natasha and Clint stared down at us in amusement. Clint shook his head and made a 'tsk'-ing noise with his mouth, "This is just sad."
"You've been ice skating before though, right?" Natasha hummed in Steve's direction. He discreetly flipped her off with a grin that she happily returned.
Clint held his hands out to me, "Upsy daises, kid."
I grabbed his hands and after a minute of struggling, he got me shakily to my feet. Clint hooked his arm through mine and kept me steady as I tried not to stumble again. I glanced over my shoulder to see Natasha had pulled Steve up and she was doing the same, trying to keep Steve from falling flat on his face.
"Now lemme show you how it's really done." Clint winked and picked up his speed a bit, dragging me around the ice as I laughed.
Natasha was good at a wide array of random skills. Steve knew this, and if he were a weaker man, he'd be embarrassed to have her dragging him around the ice as the only reason he wasn't busting his ass. The redhead's arm was looped through his and they were a decent bit behind Clint and Aj who were spinning around on the ice. Aj had apparently gotten a hang of the skating thing and now Clint was getting fancy with how he dragged her on the ice.
"Hey, can I—er, can I ask you about something?" Steve cleared his throat.
Natasha chuckled, "Well, this should be good."
"I think—I mean, I know, but it…" Steve sighed, "I think me and Aj had a…a moment."
"You've spent three months with her, watching Netflix and eating cheap take-out food most of those nights, and you're telling me you're only just now having a moment?"
"No. I meant…" Steve shook his head. He had plenty of moments. In fact, the moments for him were just stacking up one after another. It was dangerous how many moments seemed to collect in his mind. "I think Aj had a moment."
Natasha's eyes widened in interest, "Oh. That's different. What happened?"
"We were down in the gun range talking to Rosie. She mentioned a—a USO dancer uniform—"
"Oh, I've seen that." Natasha cut in. "It's an actual antique, kind of like you. We could probably donate it to a museum, and they'd be thrilled."
Steve rolled his eyes, "Right. Well, Rosie brought it up and Aj got all flustered." His lips curled up into a smirk, remembering the blush that painted over her pretty features. Natasha shot him an amused look and Steve ignored it, "Anyways, she did the thing where she says something to try and get me flustered."
"Try? She succeeds 9 times out of 10." Natasha chuckled.
"Yeah, well, this was that 10th time then." Steve replied. "She leaned in, said her piece, and I didn't fold like a lawn chair. Instead, we just kind of…stood there, and…and—God, I—"
Natasha came to a sudden stop on the ice, nearly sending him toppling over onto the ice, "Oh my God, did you kiss her?"
"No!" Steve denied quickly. He didn't kiss Aj, but holy shit had he considered it. Steve had been determined not to fluster like he usually did when she shot him that look, but maybe it would've been better if he had. All he could think about was how close she was to him and how easy it could be to just close that space. It was the first time, in a very, very long time, that the thought ever even crossed his mind.
More than that, the nervous look that flashed across Aj's features had nearly done him in. The way her blush darkened as her eyes followed his gaze away from her eyes. The sharp breath she took in that he didn't even think she noticed. Steve knew how he felt, but this was the first time he thought Aj ever even considered the idea that he could potentially be more than what he was.
Natasha's voice drew him out of his trance, "You think she actually felt something?"
"There was something there, I don't know." Steve mumbled. "It was quick though. Before I could even fully register everything going on, she…she turned around and focused on the guns."
"We are all fully aware that she's allergic to that side of the emotional spectrum." Natasha chuckled. "That is interesting though. Hmm."
Steve shook his head, "I need more than just 'hmm', Nat."
"Has it been weird since?"
"No. It's like it didn't even happen." Steve replied, then mumbled, "I'm not sure if that's worse or better."
Natasha began to pull them forward on the ice again so they weren't just standing there while the crowds skated around them. He could almost see the gears turning in the spy's head as she thought. Finally, Natasha nodded once, "Looking at this from your point of view, you want to one day enter into a romantic relationship with her—"
"I wouldn't say—Not like, you..." Steve stumbled over his words at her clinical description of what she thought he wanted.
"Oh, so you don't want a romantic relationship?" Natasha replied coyly, "Yet, you obviously want to kiss her. Does that mean you're looking for what? A hook up?"
"For fuck's sake, Nat." Steve blurted, his face burning hot. "No."
Natasha laughed, "I'm joking. Look, this is good for you. Moments are a good thing. She has to come to you though. I'm not saying you can't push a little, but the first actual move has to be her."
"Right." Steve nodded in agreement. "No, that makes sense. I don't want to make her uncomfortable. Her friendship and mental health come first always."
"Good." Natasha smiled at him. "Because if you tried to make a move on her before she was ready, I'd slaughter you."
Steve chuckled, "Hey, I was your friend first." In response, Natasha winked at him and tore her arm out of his to skate away. His eyes widened and his feet wobbled as his balance shifted, "W—Wait, hey, Nat! Come on! Nat!"
"I can't drag your ass! You're too heavy!" I yelled.
Clint had planted himself on the ice, grabbed my arm, and told me to drag him forward. At my words, he scoffed, "How dare you? I'm sensitive about that!"
"Will you please just skate like a normal human?!" I laughed. He yanked me back and I let out a yelp of panic. Clint caught me before I could bust my ass though and kept his arm around my shoulders as we skated. "You ass."
"That's me." Clint beamed. I leaned against him and let him be in control of where our skates took us. As we took a turn, I could see Natasha and Steve not super far behind us. Clint scoffed, "Why are you looking back? Am I not enough for you, Aj? You can't take a break from Hunky McShoulders for even a minute?"
"Oh, shut up." I blushed. "I was just hoping to catch a glimpse of Steve falling."
"Uh huh."
I rolled my eyes and tapped my head against his shoulder, "What is your obsession with me and Steve?"
"I think he'd make you happy and I think you'd make him happy." Clint shrugged.
"We already make each other happy."
"Maybe you could be even happier?" Clint replied. I gave him a look out of the corner of my eye, and he chuckled. "For real though, can you tell me, with a straight face, that you don't feel for him? At least a little?"
I shook my head, "I don't… I don't think so. I don't know, I—I don't think about that kind of stuff."
"Why?" Clint asked, but not in an interrogation kind of way. He sounded genuinely curious.
"I…" I paused to think. It was a good question. The thing was, it wasn't hard to let people in as a friend. It was actually very easy. I just spent a lot of time forcing myself to not do it. Letting someone in romantically? That wasn't easy. The last real date I had ever been on was with Kyle and that ended with me joining an illegal fighting ring. To be honest, I couldn't put what I felt into words. The idea of being that vulnerable with someone, being touched by someone intimately literally made me feel sick to my stomach. "I like control. I need it. With every aspect of my life…being not in control makes me feel sick and I hate it. Feeling that way about someone—pursuing them in a romantic sense… You have to trust them enough to give up some of that control, I think."
Clint nodded, "Not necessarily. If someone really loves you then they should understand that. Help you work through it."
"I don't think it's something that can be worked through, Clint."
"I think your need for control stems from fear." He replied, "You've had a lot of…instability in your life. Anyone in your position would crave control."
I let his words roll around in my head. He probably wasn't wrong. I've always had a fear of the unknown, of the unfamiliar, and by having control of the different variables in my life I was able lessen the probability of being put into that kind of scenario. There was more to it, but that stays behind the door. This was a pointless, hypothetical conversation anyway.
"It's a moot point. Steve's just my friend, and…and I'm not the relationship kind." I shrugged and hoped by my tone that he would understand that I was done with this conversation. "I know Granny wants me to go and find my soulmate or whatever, but I don't think that's in my future."
Clint tilted his head, "You think you don't have a soulmate?" I shook my head and he laughed. "You're wrong."
"How can I be wrong about that?" I chuckled.
"I consider myself a professional on this topic." Clint bragged and I rolled my eyes, "Natasha is my soulmate."
I couldn't help but smile at his words, "That's sweet."
"I knew the moment I met her."
"Didn't you guys just start dating last year though?"
"Yupp." Clint chirped. "First, we were partners, then we were friends, then we were friends with benefits for a while there, then there was a small period where we kind of hated each other, then we were friends again, and now we're dating."
I blinked in shock, "Oh."
"See, here's the thing, Aj. When people hear the word soulmate they think of romance. Lovers." Clint said and I nodded in agreement. "But they're wrong. Soulmates come in all shapes and sizes. Friends, siblings, etcetera. Anyone can be your soulmate and I think you can have more than one."
I shook my head, "I think you're being real lax with the definition of soulmate."
Clint chuckled, "I think the term soulmate just describes the feeling we get when we meet someone and feel that spark. That connection. They leave a mark on our soul that can't be worn down over time. They help you be the very best version of yourself." He pointed at me, "For example, when I met Tasha… the moment she said her first words to me, I just knew. I can't explain it. I mean, her first words to me were a string of really mean Russian swears, but…"
"You just knew." I echoed.
Clint grinned at me, "Yeah. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that anyone who leaves a mark in your life is a soulmate. That doesn't diminish who that person is or the mark they left on you, but a soulmate just… is a whole new level. The mark isn't just some impact or change in your life. Something, some part of them, is just burned into your very being."
"Oh." I said softly, letting his words settle in my brain.
"That's why it sounds silly to me when you say you don't have a soulmate." Clint laughed with a shake of his head. He smirked at me with a spark in his eyes, "The universe is too big, too infinite, for you to think so small."
A slow smile spread across my features. I had never thought about it like that. The way he described it, his way of defining the word soulmate, it struck me hard. The idea of someone's mere presence burning something unique into your soul and vice versa was a more concrete way of looking at it. I shook my head once, "You know, sometimes you say some real profound shit, Clint. Like, wow."
"I've been trying to tell you guys that I'm a genius, but no one believes me."
"Yeah, because we've seen you eat a crayon before." Natasha's voice rang out.
The redhead slowly skated past us and turned around so she was skating backwards and facing us. Clint groaned, "That is so out of context."
"Wait, you've eaten a crayon before?" I questioned.
"I was sleep deprived!" Clint complained.
I glanced over my shoulder to see Steve's face scrunched up in focus as he tried to remain standing. I let go of Clint's arm and cautiously made my way back to him. Steve glanced up at me just as I reached him, and I slowly looped my arm back through his.
"Come to bring me down again?" Steve joked.
"Excuse you, I came to help." I squeezed his arm, "Did Nat give up on you because she saw you were a lost cause?"
Steve finally found his feet under him and we were able to carefully skate like two normal people, "I was more into sledding than I was skating."
"It's ok. If you were good at this too then life just wouldn't be fair." I replied. "Everyone needs some sort of flaw."
"I guess it could be worse." Steve chuckled in response. He shot me an amused look, "I could suck at shooting."
I slapped my hand into his chest with a scoff and it nearly sent us falling back onto the ice. Steve and I finally caught up to Clint and Natasha and the four of us just went around the pond in circles. A part of me couldn't wait until we got back, and I'd be able to text Bucky what we ended up doing today instead of robbing a bank. Just the other day I had mentioned ice skating to him. This really was shaping up to be the best Christmas I've ever had, and this year slowly turning into the next left me in a happy daze.
