Chapter 5: Wash Away The Pain
Sakura Haruno felt somewhat uneasy standing in the Hokage's sparse office next to her former sensei. The tension between her and Kakashi was almost palpable, but she failed to comprehend its cause.
Their dinner yesterday had been a quiet affair —save for the light chatter here and there to keep the atmosphere from becoming incredibly tense, or worse, awkward. Thankfully, their food was so delightful it made it difficult for anything to distract them from enjoying it. After all but wiping their plates clean, Sakura escorted him home because his house was closer and then she went back to her house, and that was the end of her eventful day.
Okay, maybe not.
After going back home and getting in her queen-sized bed, she couldn't, for the life of her, fall asleep. She was too busy thinking back to that one moment during their dinner when Kakashi had reached over across the table and wiped the corner of her mouth with his thumb.
It wasn't that big of a deal, really, they were relatively close friends. She wasn't particularly embarrassed by what happened, but there was no other word to explain the sensation that twisted her gut for the remainder of their dinner.
Or there was, but she refused to acknowledge it.
Naruto had done similar things a few times before (even though it always ended up with him getting smacked) and they forgot about it the next minute. Somehow, with Kakashi, it felt more ... intimate, and that was why the rosette felt slightly uncomfortable. That, and because Tsunade was staring at the both of them like she knew exactly what was going through her head.
"I'm sending you on an undercover mission." The Hokage finally spoke, and her eyes felt scalding on Sakura's skin. "We've gathered valuable intel of a multimillionaire named Kamaru Toishi who may or may not be involved in the development of the drug you mentioned in your mission report from last week."
Sakura's breath hitched in her throat, and her heart nearly skipped a beat. "R-really?"
Tsunade nodded. "Genma and Ino were on a mission of their own, but one of the men they captured was privy to an illegal deal that went down between this Toishi character and another. We only know what Ino managed to gather, but it seems like Toishi was financially contributing to the development of a new drug."
"How do we know it's the same drug?"
Sakura started at the sound of his voice, much to her mortification, and fought desperately to keep from flushing under Tsunade's sharp, all-knowing gaze. And yet, the blonde's eyes seemed to pierce right through her to scrutinise her bare soul. Sakura wasn't sure what her mentor saw there, or what was there in the first place, all she knew was it wouldn't do to be distracted.
"We don't," Tsunade replied, the corner of her mouth tilting down, unhappily, "but Toishi was recently seen in the Land of Stars."
Both shinobi froze. That was too big of a coincidence to pass.
"Right now, Toishi is on a trip to Naka's island with his new wife. I want you two to gather more intel," Tsunade explained in an authoritative voice and then her tone took on a dangerous tilt. "And Sakura, I trust you'll give them hell once we have enough dirt on them."
Sakura gave a jerky nod. "Yes, shishou."
Sakura stood in front of her closet unsure of how to proceed. She didn't own a piece of clothing that was remotely appropriate for a vacation —let alone a honeymoon. Tsunade said she'd provide them with an outfit for when they arrived there, but the rest was on her.
Kakashi dropped her home ten minutes ago, and they had reached an agreement that they'd depart in one hour, but Sakura was no longer so sure that was enough time to compile outfits to last her up to two weeks.
She noted that the only appropriate piece of clothing she possessed was the dress she wore to Hinata's eighteenth; a half-sleeve, skin-tight navy blue garment that reached just above her knee.
Sakura groaned. Ten more outfits to go…
The young medic ended up raiding Ino's closet. The blonde wasn't at home, but Sakura suspected that had to do with her latest mission that Tsunade mentioned and the men they captured.
Sakura, unfortunately, couldn't borrow most of Ino's shirts for the blonde was more blessed in the chest department than she, but that didn't desist her from snatching a few skirts and the rare dresses that fit.
It was a rushed task of finding personal favourites she'd previously borrowed and trying things on lightning fast, glancing in the mirror and either discarding or packing the item.
Thirty minutes later, Sakura was writing her friend a note explaining the mess and that she'd have her belongings back in a week or two even if her life depended on it. Sorry!
Once the rosette was sure she had everything she required, she made a beeline to the gates, hoping Kakashi didn't decide to forgo his usual habits today out of all days. It would reflect poorly on her if she managed to arrive at her set destination after her team captain.
The long yet moderately more comfortable silence that settled over them made her heart wrench even if she was partly contributing to it. Kakashi wasn't one to initiate conversation and expecting him to now was just unrealistic. He was walking a few steps ahead, intent on giving her the space she seemed to need. Sakura wasn't sure if she appreciated that or resented it.
The plan was for them to hike to the marine dock in the Land of Flowers and take a boat to Naka's island from there for the sole purpose of avoiding being traced back to Konoha if all went to hell and they were discovered.
The sun was slowly setting overhead and bit by bit; a mute chill began to settle over the forest, rousing goosebumps on the exposed skin of her legs. Soon, the sky darkened, and the shadows elongated, merging their surroundings with the night and concealing them from any prying eyes.
"We'll stop here." Kakashi's voice was soft, as quiet as the night, and to her surprise it made her shoulders relax.
They set their camp in the little clearing and Kakashi started a small fire using a fire jutsu when she looked away.
Sakura rolled her eyes at him. She'd known him for over seven years and she'd yet to see his face. It was disappointing, and it made her a little sad, but like everything revolving around this man, she knew he had a good reason behind it.
Kakashi's eyes creased unapologetically and just like that, whatever remained from yesterday's built-up tension dissolved like it was never there in the first place.
They sat by the fire for warmth and ate the canned food Sakura had packed in a sealing scroll prior to their depart before retreating to their sleeping bags.
"Goodnight," she wished his sleeping figure, eyes fixed on the stars peeking from behind the trees overhead.
"Goodnight, Sakura-chan."
It was pitch dark in the thick forest, with the occasional blur of greys and blues as lightning struck overhead.
Sakura's shallow, rapid breathing filled the night, echoing loudly in her ears. She couldn't see, and the sound of the heavy rain drowned out everything else including the squelching sound her feet made as they sank ankle-deep in the muddy ground.
Her heart was thumping wildly in her chest —slamming briskly against her ribcage as she struggled to make sense of her surroundings. The air was freezing cold, and it made her teeth grind and chatter together. Her senses soaked it all up, and her hold on reality began to falter as the illusion threatened to take over her mind.
Grasping onto rough bark, she ploughed forward, her mind numb and her fingers ice. Someone was cursing from within the night —it was faint, but she heard it inside her head, loud and clear.
Gradually, she became aware of the nearby presence of another person. It was a man, and he was holding onto someone still, murmuring softly to them.
Lightning struck again, and it made her jump. It cast its eerie glow on the sleeping forest, and for mere seconds she thought she saw a flash of silver.
"Hello?"
Her call fell upon deaf ears, but suddenly there was a soft glow within the darkness, chasing away shadows and forming a figure.
Sakura's breath hitched in her throat as her frantic eyes pieced together the hunched figure of Kakashi holding onto a corpse. There was a distinguished darkness surrounding his light and bit by bit it began to close in on him, slowly diminishing the light that illuminated his presence.
She watched the receding light with growing horror. Something told her that this Kakashi would disappear with it.
And then she'd be left all alone in this endless darkness.
"Kakashi?" she tried to say, but her words had no sound, and her throat was closing in and tightening up at the realisation.
The silver-haired man on the ground was bleeding heavily from a gash in his head, the remnants of his broken ANBU mask lying pitifully on the ground, covered with mud and blood. He was still murmuring, and it was incoherent at best. He sounded as broken as he looked but he was smiling, and Sakura's stomach was threatening to spill its contents all over this sickeningly realistic world she was stuck in.
"…so s'rry…" he slurred, the body of his partner falling from his numb arms as he sank to the ground and Sakura noticed the blood dripping from his mask, where his mouth was located. "…Obito…"
The kunoichi swallowed thickly against the rising bile in her throat and attempted to move. To her terror, she found her bones to be laced with steel and impossible to carry. They grounded her —held her prisoner— mere steps away from the dying man she held close to her heart.
Panic began to settle in her gut like a heavy block of cement, and the blood in her veins felt like ice. Kakashi was dying, and she was stuck watching it.
Feelings that didn't belong to her surged through her shell-shocked brain; relief, longing, sorrow, and most revoltingly: excitement.
She didn't need a guide to know who those feelings belonged to and she realised with a horrible jolt that Kakashi wanted to die as memories that weren't her own flashed through her mind's eye.
All those years in ANBU, where this young man sank deeper and deeper into darkness, had all but one purpose: his demise.
His name fell as a silent scream from her parted lips as the man on the ground coughed violently into his hand, spraying blood everywhere to join the pool of crimson forming beneath him.
The light around him shook and wavered, becoming a thin outline that traced the surroundings of his figure and Sakura knew it was almost over. Especially when the feeling of elation that didn't belong to her overflowed in her chest. Kakashi was at death's door, literally and figuratively.
This had to be a dream. Kakashi couldn't die. He wasn't supposed to. She tried, again and again, to call for him, to approach him, but it was all in vain.
Sakura's body began to collectively convulse with her expanding sense of panic and dread as the reality of the scene ahead of her began to truly sink in, and she watched Kakashi's skin grow sickly white from blood loss.
His whispered goodbye was her doing.
"KAKASHI!"
Oh, how good it felt to hear her voice again; to feel the vocal chords in her throat reverberate when his name tore through as a sob to convey the uncontainable urgency that threatened to choke her as darkness filled her vision and clouded her surroundings.
Sakura jolted up in her sleeping bag like she'd been struck by the same lightning that was the cackling life force in the very same dying man she couldn't save. The very same man who now sat crouched by her side, kunai in hand, alert and looking very unsettlingly panicked.
Her arms shot out and wrapped around him before he could as much as open his mouth and demand to know where the threat lie.
Sakura squeezed him tightly, her breath rushing out of her in the form of a broken sob. It was just a dream. A nightmare. Her worst one thus far.
It didn't matter that Kakashi's whole body went rigid in her hold, concern rolling off of him in waves. What mattered was that he was alive and in one piece, his skin its natural healthy colour lacking bruises and life-threatening wounds.
"S-sakura?" he stammered, voice thick with an emotion she couldn't quite place in her frenzied state.
He brought his palms to her shoulders and attempted to gently push her off to check her for any injuries, but Sakura refused to budge; instead, her hands slid to his chest and grasped the cotton material of his dark shirt firmly in her hold, yanking him even closer to her. "D-don't go," she whimpered pathetically into his neck. "P-please."
He smelled wonderful. It wasn't so much the pleasantness of the smell but rather its familiar warmth. The earthy scent with the subtle undertones of coffee beans and aftershave filled her being and surrounded Sakura oh-so-completely as he reciprocated her hug and wrapped strong, safe arms around her waist, tugging her closely and nestling her against his chest, right over the strong rhythmic thudding of his heart.
Sakura Haruno wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole. She couldn't even muster up the courage to look at Kakashi without wanting to die from mortification.
She should've known it was a bad idea to allow herself to sleep in close proximity to him when she knew she'd be dreaming horrific things from his past. Kakashi had sounded so… so scared, when he said her name like he might be passing out the next minute. Had she really frightened him that much?
Probably. Not many things were capable of making her break the way she had that morning. Seeing Kakashi dying somewhere in a black void just about shattered her.
If this was truly a memory, then Kakashi really was on a forest's ground once upon a time, coughing up blood and knocking on death's door. The thought made her sick to her stomach, and she had to make a conscious effort to keep from losing her recently-consumed breakfast.
How could she have been so oblivious to his internal struggles? All her life she saw Kakashi as the perfect representation of a shinobi —a strong, unbreakable man who fought on and pushed through no matter how risky and gruesome his mission became.
And it wasn't as if discovering this more vulnerable —more human— side of him changed her admiration of him in anyway but rather, it made her hate herself. Kakashi had been suicidal at one stage in his teenage years, and here he was, still going, still pushing through.
How did her fourteen-year-old self ever think she understood real struggle or real pain? She had been too busy wallowing in self-pity, missing her teammates, feeling useless and pining after a boy who never gave her a second look.
And Kakashi… Kakashi was an ANBU captain, a warrior, an orphan, a lone soul. His entire team was dead. It was easy to state plain facts and recite information but when she really allowed herself to think about it, how in God's name did Kakashi manage to survive that? If she even lost one person from her team, she knew without an ounce of doubt it would tear her to shreds.
Sakura couldn't begin to imagine her world without Naruto's sunny smiles and comforting presence; or Sai's rude yet always funny remarks; or Sasuke's dumb rare smiles that still gave her butterflies, but only because she was happy when he was happy; it definitely wouldn't be the same without Yamato around to keep everyone in check and back her up when the boys became too much of a handful. And Kakashi… the whole of Konoha wouldn't be the same without Kakashi.
The mere thought of a world where they no longer existed was enough to make her eyes pool with tears, and it took her all not to let them go.
How did the man walking in stoic silence alongside her ever live through that unbearable agony?
Not for the first time, Sakura wished she had been less selfish. Maybe then she would've noticed that Kakashi wasn't okay, that he'd never be okay. Because how could one get over so much loss?
Sakura's admiration of him hit new heights, if possible.
Yes, he did seek death instead of waiting for it to come to him, but she wasn't sure she could blame him. Because if their positions were reversed… she was certain she would've never made it out of that dark, dark hole.
Sakura felt her breakfast coming up once again but swallowed against it, refusing to let Kakashi see her so vulnerable once again, especially now that she knew of some of the things he'd been through.
"I get nightmares too." He spoke so softly it was like he was breathing the words.
Sakura froze at the sound of his voice, her heart jumping to lodge in her throat. He didn't seem fazed with her reaction, and she was quick to resume her walking, her face heating up for the hundredth time that afternoon.
"Some are atrocious, and some I've gotten used too." He carried on, and Sakura dared glance at his face as she matched their pace for the first time that day, choosing to walk beside him. He was, after all, disclosing something personal. A part of her immensely warmed up at that.
His eyes were fixed on the clouds overhead, and his hands were shoved in his pockets. Looking at him seemingly so lost in his thoughts made her stomach somersault; why was it that everything about him felt so intimate lately? It was as if she was violating some law by witnessing this side of him.
"I'm sorry," she said looking away, unsure of how to respond, but also knowing that it was important to give any reaction. The corner of his eyes creased within her peripheral vision.
He waved his hand in a careless gesture. "I'm just trying to say… ninja get nightmares, it comes in the job description. But… they get better… eventually."
Sakura couldn't help but smile at him. She already knew all this but having him talk to her about it made her feel somewhat special. He was obviously making an effort to deliver this little speech.
"I know," she replied, just as softly, and turned to look ahead at the narrowing dirt road, oblivious to his eyes on her. And as an afterthought, she added, "thanks."
They stopped in a small clothing shop in the Land of Flowers at around six in the evening, just as the sun began to set on the horizon.
Thankfully, the store was nearly empty, save for the young woman manning the counter and the elderly lady sitting beside her, a steaming cup of tea in hand. They didn't seem to notice the pair of ninja sneaking into the single dressing room in the outlet.
Kakashi wordlessly handed his partner a change of clothes that was provided to them by Tsunade and kicked his well-worn sandals off.
"Why did she give me a skirt!" Sakura hissed under her breath, holding the silky cream-coloured fabric up for him to see. "Do you know how impractical these are?"
The silver-haired man snorted quietly at her misfortune and shrugged as he kicked his jounin pants off. Sakura paused, her eyes fixing on the snug orange boxer shorts he wore. Her mouth dropped open.
"Ehm." Her partner arched an incredulous eyebrow and motioned to his half-naked figure. "Some privacy please?"
"You own orange Icha Icha themed underwear." She deadpanned in a voice just above a whisper. She could barely believe her eyes; how dorky was this ex-sensei of hers?
Kakashi diverted his gaze and… was that a blush creeping over his mask? Sakura picked her jaw off the floor and pressed her palm to her mouth to block the giggles bubbling in her throat.
"What's wrong with them?" Kakashi said, affronted.
"Oh, nothing." Sakura snorted into her hand, her shoulders trembling with the strain of holding back her laughter. "Don't worry; they're cute."
Kakashi huffed and pulled out a pair of dark pants similar to his jounin ones out of his backpack. "Just change so we can get going."
Sakura grinned at the sore expression on his face. "Hai, hai, captain."
"Alright, here we are." Kakashi halted her by placing a hand on her shoulder and pulling her to a stop. She turned to face him, inquiringly. "We'll go by Mr and Mrs Han. Are you ready?"
Sakura nodded with growing trepidation "yeah…"
"Alright then, after you, Mrs Han." He extended his arm ahead of her, his eyes creasing and his form bowing a little at the waist.
Sakura baulked. "R-right," she muttered absently, confused to why her stomach was twisting itself into a knot.
Kakashi had to be grinning under the mask if the way it stretched around his face was anything to go by. It was clear that he enjoyed teasing her.
Sighing, she sent him a withering glare, turned on her heel and began to march towards the small ship where many young couples stood in line ready to go on board.
Deft fingers caught her wrist and yanked her back, causing her cream-coloured skirt to flutter and float around her. She slammed into something solid and warm. "What are you—"
Her breath caught in her throat as her face stopped inches away from his, and then she was trapped in his bottomless eyes, at such a close distance that she could see the rims of his pupils. "Married couple Sakura. Honeymoon. Get in the act."
The breathiness of his tone, the seriousness in his eyes and the feeling of his breath on her chin made the hairs on her back stand straight. She gulped and resisted a shiver, her brain scrambling frantically for a response when it was too busy marvelling at the feel of his firm pectorals against her breasts. "S-sorry,"
His eyes creased, and gods, the quick transition from deadly-serious to smiley alone screamed dangerous. It reminded her that this was a man feared across all shinobi lands, whose gentle hold on her had been the lethal hold on many of his enemies' necks.
To her relief he stepped away and around her, putting a comfortable distance between them and allowing her some space to breathe and calm down her erratic heartbeat. "Let's go."
But this time, he held her hand in his gloveless one.
Sakura nearly shuddered at the electricity that shot up her arm as his cool fingers wrapped firmly around her own and began to drag her towards the ship. She stumbled after him, widened eyes fixed on their joined hands and heart rate erratic once again.
If Sakura were to be honest, she always thought Kakashi was a little too tense (if you ignored his slouched stance). He didn't seem to her like the kind of man to hold hands with anyone, mission or not. But one thing she did imagine correctly was the safety that radiated off being close to him.
The sturdy hold he had on her was doing absurd things to her body, and his touch slowly grew scalding to her skin, sending periodic waves of tingling heat up her arm. Sakura was sure her cheeks matched her hair colour.
"Um..." She coughed awkwardly when they boarded the ship, noticing the curious looks they were receiving, especially Kakashi with his ridiculous mask he refused to abandon. "Kakashi… your—"
"What's with the mask?" An old lady with chestnut weaved with silver coloured hair asked her husband, brown eyes glancing curiously at Kakashi. Sakura mentally cursed her teammate; he just had to go ahead and attract unnecessary attention!
"Ah…" Kakashi turned to face the couple, hand scratching awkwardly at the back of his head. "You see, I was mauled by an animal…"
The couple stared in horror. "Oh!" and then turned worried eyes to Sakura, as if awaiting her reaction.
Kakashi let go of her hand, and his arm snaked around her waist and nudged their hips together. "She still thinks I'm handsome, right darling?"
How in God's name did I get dragged into this? "Y-yes, of course —of course, you're handsome, honey."
That was all it took for the elderly couple to melt. They fawned over them and young love for the rest of the trip to the island, droning on and on about their early marriage days.
Sakura inwardly sighed. This mission just got that much more troublesome. The nosy couple exiting the ship alongside them seemed to be bent on intruding on every aspect of their 'sweet honeymoon' to reminisce the 'good old days'. Great.
Hey there, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! If you did, please review and let me know, it really motivates me, and we all know motivation = faster updates.
This chapter was a little fast paced, but I didn't want to linger on unimportant details and drag everything out.
Beta's by my awesome Denilmo.
Until next time -Rams
