Originally published as part of a oneshot in October 2016.
Re-posted as two separate chapters in January 2017.
Combined January 2018.
"Defying Gravity"
"… none of us is obligated to go into a fire and save someone else from a burning building. But that all changes if you're a parent and the person in that burning building is your child. If that's the case, not only would everyone understand if you ran in to get your child—they'd practically expect it of you. … In my life, though, that building was on fire, one of my children was in it—and the only opportunity to save her was to send in my other child, because she was the only one who knew the way." ~ Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper
Katie got the idea from Gattaca, one of her family's many science fiction movies. Its protagonist had to hide his true identity and impersonate another man in order to fulfill his dream of becoming an astronaut. He did it in a society where genetic capabilities dictated what jobs people could get and everyone had to prove their identity on a daily basis using DNA samples. The Galaxy Garrison's admissions program was far less stringent, which meant it would be much easier to impersonate someone … or simply make up a new identity.
Once she made her decision, Katie considered applying in secret and simply leaving when the semester began. She did not want to endure more farewells, or give her mother the chance to forbid her from going. She could imagine the arguments, the pleas, the prohibitions: "You're all I have left! I won't lose you too!" But running away without a word, or even leaving behind a note, would probably cause Colleen even more anxiety and grief. Katie knew by now that not knowing, not having time to prepare, and not being able to say goodbye were the worst circumstances in which to endure separation from loved ones.
So Katie sat down with her mother at the table where they had eaten their last family meal, and said plainly, "I have a plan to find out where Dad and Matt are."
In one sense, that was all they had been trying to do for weeks. But in another sense, their work had been mainly research with a general direction but no precise destination. A series of concrete steps toward a clear goal would be quite welcome.
"How?" Colleen asked, not knowing what to expect at this point.
"I'm going to apply for enrollment at the Galaxy Garrison."
That was something Katie had planned to do for a long time, but now things were different. "You've been banned, Katie. They won't accept you."
"No, but they might accept Pidge Gunderson."
Colleen was confused, because she recognized Matt's nickname for Katie, but not the surname. "Who?"
Katie stood and turned her back to her mother. She took Matt's glasses from her pocket and put them on. Then she pulled her long hair back, twisted it into a bun, and stuffed it under a hat. When she turned around to face her mother, her resemblance to Matt was so great that the sight of her made Colleen's heart ache. "Pidge Gunderson is a precocious fifteen-year-old … boy."
Colleen covered her mouth, stifling a sound that may have been either a laugh or a sob. "Oh, Katie …"
"I'm our best chance of finding Dad and Matt," Katie insisted. "I'll be close enough to look for answers, and I'll get the training and opportunities I need to go look for them, if that's what it takes." She paused, waiting for her mother to protest, but Colleen said nothing. Finally Katie asked bluntly, "Are you going to stop me?"
Colleen moved slowly: she braced her hand against the table, pushed out her chair, stood, came up to Katie, and hugged her fiercely.
For the first time since making her decision, Katie's resolve almost wavered, because in order to find two members of her family she would have to leave the only one she still had. Both of them felt close to tears.
After a moment Colleen drew her head back, held Katie by the shoulders, and knelt to her eye level. "You will update me every day, whether or not you've made any progress. If you're going away, I need to know whether you're alright."
Katie nodded, tight-lipped, and hugged her mother again. "Thank you," she murmured. Her mother's approval had never meant so much to her as it did now.
Letting go of her last immediate family member would be Colleen's biggest sacrifice yet. But if this plan worked, all the pain that came with it would be worthwhile.
The two Holt women switched roles somewhat during the months before the school term started. Since the announcement about the Kerberos mission, Colleen had been busy with phone calls and research while Katie quietly supported her. Now, Katie was the busy one while her mother offered assistance.
Katie hacked into all the databases necessary to fabricate information and documents for her new identity. Colleen signed the fake birth certificate and enrollment application, claiming Pidge Gunderson as her nephew. She did not tell Katie this, but if the charade was discovered, she thought it better that the blame and repercussions fall on her rather than Katie. Better for her to be in jail and Katie placed in a foster home than for Katie to be placed in juvenile detention.
The information that really mattered to the Garrison was authentic. Katie's medical records, intelligence quotient, and tested knowledge of relevant areas of science made the admissions counselors more than willing to accept her application, even though she was younger than the average student.
Colleen cried when the acceptance letter came. She tried to pass it off as pride in Katie's achievement and renewed hope that they would find Sam and Matt, but they both knew she was also sad and afraid now that her last immediate family member was leaving. Katie also felt a blend of emotions: she was relieved that her ruse had worked so far, that she had jumped this first and most important hurdle; but now that her plan was in motion, she had to make the transition from preparation to actual execution. She had much more to do than anyone else accepted to the Garrison.
Katie experimented with her clothes (many of which she had inherited from Matt), and found the right combination of turtleneck and training bra to hide her still-developing female figure. Colleen bought her clothes with lots of pockets, and even sewed in extra, hidden compartments where she could hide sensitive items, like data chips or feminine hygiene products.
They talked through potential problems that might arise. Katie would have to be extremely careful in preparing for and dealing with her menstrual cycle. She could not throw away feminine products in the men's bathrooms without giving away her identity, so during that time of the month she would have to use the few unisex bathrooms that were available. She and her mother devised clever ways to smuggle the products into her dormitory, even through the Garrison's mail inspection. If she ran out of those, she would have to improvise some kind of padding that she could change and wash in private.
Katie had always worn contact lenses, but she worried that the Galaxy Garrison staff would recognize her if they saw her face in plain view. So she tried wearing a pair of Matt's glasses, which had the same prescription she needed. It made her look very much like Matt, but she reasoned it would be better for Pidge Gunderson to remind people of Matthew Holt than of his sister. Plus, carrying something that belonged to Matt made Katie feel a a little more connected to him.
Colleen tried to call her daughter "Pidge" for the last week or so before she went to stay at the school, to help Katie get used to answering to that name. She offered to cut her hair, but Katie said wanted to do it herself. Her hair was going to be messy no matter what; in fact, that was one aspect of her appearance that would not change. She might as well take that natural disarray as far as it would go. But she left it until the last possible moment.
The night before the school term began, Katie and Bae-Bae slept with Colleen in the parents' large bed. In the morning, Katie made every other preparation before finally picking up the scissors. Somehow, cutting her hair had a greater sense of finality than anything else she had done to create this new persona. She tried not to think of it as severing a tie to her old life or identity. Changing her name, perceived gender, and known history would not change anything about her personality and core identity. Besides, ultimately, the chance to search for Sam and Matt made all of these changes and sacrifices worthwhile.
When she was done, she found her mother in the kitchen, packing peanut butter cookies and other home-cooked food for her to bring.
"How do I look?" she asked.
The short hair and glasses made her look like Matt, but Colleen tried to ignore that and imagine she was looking at a stranger. "You look … well, like a boy. A boy who hasn't hit puberty."
She smiled, her eyes soft with understanding. "Good. Let's hope everyone else thinks so."
Colleen tried to return the smile, but it was shaky, and her eyes were already watery. She inhaled deeply to calm herself, but released her breath as a sigh. "I always wanted you to be brave, and I'm glad to see you are … but I wish you didn't have to be. I wish there was another way."
"I know. I wish that too. But right now I think it's the best way."
Colleen came up to her, holding a small item. "I made you something. It's a digital Bible, with a file of your father's favorite verses."
"I don't know if I'll have time—"
"I know, but I'd like you to have them. They've helped me when I missed your father. They might help you too."
She closed her hand tightly around the device. "Thanks."
Colleen touched her daughter's face, pushing aside a few stray strands of hair. "Katie … Pidge. Be careful."
"I will."
Colleen hugged her. "I'm proud of you—and I know your father and brother are too."
"We're proud of you, too," her daughter informed her. "Not many moms would do as much as you've done for us."
"Sometimes I think I'm crazy to have done any of it."
"This whole situation is crazy. Maybe we have to be a little crazier than the rest to get through it."
That was the last time she heard her mother laugh before leaving.
Music: "Defying Gravity" from Wicked by Stephen Schwartz, and "Even a Miracle Needs a Hand" by Maury Laws, from the 1974 Rankin/Bass Christmas special 'Twas the Night Before Christmas
