Published July 9, 2017
"Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again"
Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves,and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. ... Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ~ Ephesians 4:14-16, 25, New International Version
"This is what being a paladin of Voltron is all about. It's time to man up!"
Pidge's feeling of confidence and camaraderie dissolved when she heard that phrase. Strange that it should do so: she had never felt bothered when the other paladins spoke of her as a male. "Boys, let's suit up." "It's been an honor flying with you boys." But this phrase suggesting that they had to be men bothered her now. She knew Hunk really meant they needed to be grown-up, tough. In that sense, she had been "manning up" ever since she decided to try passing as a boy. But it reminded her that despite everything they had been through, despite her new personal commitment to the team and its goal, they still did not know her for who she truly was.
If she was going to stay and be a permanent member of this team, she needed to trust them fully, and they needed to know her fully. Having passed on so many opportunities already, Pidge knew she should not let another one go by without taking advantage of it.
After she let the confession fall from her lips, she did not look at the others to see their reactions. She adjusted her glasses, looked at the room's periphery, rested her gaze on the floor, all while her mouth rambled—until Lance made a loud vocal reaction: "You're a girl?" Pidge could guess what was going through his mind: all the sexist comments, sexual innuendoes, and dirty jokes he had made around her; all the times he had farted in her company (she had noticed that he never did so when girls or respected adults were around); all the unladylike things he had seen Pidge do. Maybe he was embarrassed about his behavior. Or maybe he was trying to reconcile his idea of what girls were like with what Pidge was like.
But the others, when she finally looked at them, were smiling, kind and understanding, unquestioning and accepting. If their words were true, they had figured out her secret already. Shiro complimented her for owning who she was, and then there was nothing more to say.
Only Lance tried to prolong the discussion. "When did this happen?" he demanded after the meeting adjourned.
"It didn't happen," Pidge insisted. "I've always been a girl."
"Well, when did you start acting like a boy? You never corrected our pronouns—and I've seen you go into men's bathrooms!"
"I started pretending when I joined the Garrison. Iverson had given me a restraining order because I kept trespassing and hacking to find information about my dad and brother."
That made Lance pause. "Really?" He was becoming incredulous and more impressed. Hunk and even Keith echoed his demand to know the full story, so Pidge told it as succinctly as she could. They seemed to grow in respect and admiration for her after hearing how many school rules and federal laws she had successfully broken. "Replacing the camera footage," Lance muttered, "Why didn't I think of that?"
Once the story was known, they necessarily shifted their focus to the mission on the Balmera. Pidge knew she was being a bit juvenile by teasing Hunk about having a girlfriend, but she felt justified in it since he had called attention to his mistaken theory that she had a girlfriend.
Pidge thought about making some kind of poster to leave behind on planets they visited. Lost: Commander Samuel Holt and son Matthew Holt. If found, contact Katie Holt, alias Pidge Gunderson, pilot of the Green Lion of Voltron.
She decided against this idea when Shiro pointed out that the Galra might pick up such a trail, and if they knew about the Holts' connection, they might hurt or threaten Sam and Matt in order to get to Pidge and the other paladins.
Instead of a widespread campaign, she settled for leaving the information with their alien allies—not strangers like Rolo and Nyma, but communities who proved trustworthy friends and allies, like the Arusians and Balmerans. "If you come across my family," she asked them, "tell them I'm looking for them; and if you can contact us, let me know where they are." It would be a slower process, but it would be safer for her team and her relatives.
After saving the Balmera, they had a period of time which could have been relaxing in comparison to the excitement and chaos of the past few weeks. But they still had tasks that needed to be accomplished: Coran needed to get the Castle working smoothly after the battle; Shiro wanted to see if Sendak had any useful information; and Pidge wanted to examine the Galra crystal, in the hope that it might help reverse engineer other Galra technology.
The tasks should have been simple, in Pidge's opinion, because technology was supposed to be reliable. Even if something had glitches, if you took the time to examine and repair it properly, it would serve you well.
She lost some of her faith in technology when the Castle's systems turned on its inhabitants. It shook her almost as much as the food goo attack shook Hunk: they were both reminded of how helplessly dependent they were on the thing that interested them most. The experience probably should have been humbling, but was really more frightening than anything else.
When Allura willingly destroyed her father's artificial intelligence, erasing his memories and severing her last tie with him, Pidge could not help but think of her own father. Every day she sacrificed the opportunity to search for him, but she it was still possible for her to see him again. Allura had no such hope, and relinquished his recorded memories knowing that she would never see her father or hear his voice again.
Sam Holt had sometimes talked about legacy, in relation to discoveries or journeys or advances in technology that would benefit future generations. He always said, though, that his children would be his greatest legacy. Allura seemed to feel the same way about herself and Voltron.
All things considered, Allura seemed to recover from the loss of her father quickly. Not that she got over it—perhaps she might never get over it—but she accepted it and did not let it inhibit her daily work. Pidge wondered briefly if she herself would be able to cope so well after such a loss, but she could not let herself dwell on that hypothetical situation. All it did was increase her anxiety. Still, Pidge wondered, not for the first time, which was the greater burden: Allura's grief for what she had lost, or Pidge's anxiety for what she might be lose.
Music: "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" from The Phantom of the Opera musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber.
