Published November 26, 2017, on the Feast of Christ the King
"Nowhere to be Found"
"'I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign Lord.I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak, but the sleek and the strong I will destroy. I will shepherd the flock with justice.'" ~ Ezekiel 34:15-16, New International Version
Takashi Shirogane was missing in space. Again.
Unbelievable. And yet, somehow, it was believable, at least to the four teenagers who had known or knew of him at the time of his first disappearance.
This time, Pidge did not feel the same kind or degree of devastation she had felt upon learning that the crew of Kerberos mission was missing. She knew much more about space, and about Shiro, than she had back then. She knew there were many reasons to be worried, but also many reasons to believe Shiro was still alive and would survive. He had said that Matt and Pidge were survivors, but if anyone could be called that, it was Takashi Shirogane, the officer of the Galaxy Garrison, the pilot of the Kerberos mission, the Champion of the Galra gladiatorial arenas, the Black Paladin of Voltron. No one could match his strength in body, mind, and conscience.
Pidge felt angry at herself. She had been so urgently determined to tow the Black Lion on board, but she had neglected to check that Shiro was present before telling Allura they were all ready. When she expressed her sorrow over this, the other paladins told her not to blame herself. Even Keith, who was more devastated than anyone else, said it was not her fault.
"This isn't the first time Shiro's gone off the radar," Lance reminded them, grasping for something positive in the bleak situation. "Everyone who assumed he was dead turned out to be wrong."
"Yeah, but a year went by before he turned up again," Hunk said gloomily. "Who knows how long it could be this time?"
"Don't say that!" Keith burst out. "We'll find him. Last time, no one on Earth bothered to look for him. We can, and we will."
"Of course we will try," Allura said, wringing her hands, "but we have much else to do, now that we've defeated Zarkon. The Empire is weak, but it still needs to be liberated, and quickly, before it can find anyone to take Zarkon's place."
It was a strange coincidence, Pidge reflected, that they had lost their leader at the same moment the Galra Empire lost its leader.
For a while, everyone was morose and out of sorts. Lance did not crack jokes as often, and when he did, it seemed to be more out of habit than genuine humor. Hunk tried to find solace in cooking, but gave up out of fear that he would get foodstuffs in his eyes and salty tears in his dishes. A few times, he resorted to stress-eating, but when this caused the others to express concern for his health, he improvised substances similar to chewing gum and jawbreakers to give himself the illusion of consumption. Lance and Hunk both found themselves most happy and at ease when they were in the field, liberating planets. Allura and Coran busied themselves with contacting various planets' leaders and laying out plans for a coalition that could fight the Galra Empire together.
For the second time in her life, Pidge buried herself in research and investigation regarding the Kerberos crewmembers. She knew that Shiro ought to be her priority, but she had almost nothing to go on, so she took the relative lull in the war effort as an opportunity to follow the lead she did have: the video footage of Matt. She began making short trips to make inquiries about the people in the video and the clothes and weapons they used.
Keith also went on trips in the Red Lion, spending long stretches of time searching for Shiro. When Keith was around, they tried to give him his space, knowing he had even more on his shoulders than the rest of them. After Allura and Coran, Keith had probably suffered more loss than any of them. He had lost his parents when he was young, and missed Shiro after the Kerberos crew was captured; he had met Thace only to leave him behind to die; and now Shiro was missing again.
Pidge, however, knew that even when people wanted to be alone, it was nice to at least have the option of company. So on a day when she and Keith both happened to be at the castle between expeditions, she carried her computer to the lounge, where Keith was loafing on a couch. He only glanced at her when she sat down. "Hey," she said. "Mind if I read out here?"
Keith's expression was mistrustful, his tone prematurely annoyed. "If you're here to try to talk to me, I'm not really in the mood."
"I'm not. I come here to read anyway."
"Oh."
Pidge settled on a couch and pulled up the Bible files. She jumped between the ends of the four Gospels, comparing their accounts of Easter Sunday. The tomb had been as empty as the Black Lion after the battle: there was no dead body, which made the followers doubt that the leader was dead, but the leader's absence made it impossible to know for certain, until he returned.
Out of the corner of her eye, Pidge saw Keith looking at her. When she raised her eyes to him, he looked away immediately, so she ignored him; but he reminded her of something else she wanted to look for.
After she had been scrolling through passages for a few more minutes, Keith asked, "What are you reading?"
Pidge quirked an eyebrow over her light-filled glasses lens. "I thought you didn't want to talk."
Keith scowled. Pidge conceded, "The Bible."
At this, the annoyance in Keith's expression faded, replaced by surprise and curiosity. "You have a Bible?"
"Yeah." Pidge adjusted her glasses, feeling like she was on sensitive ground. "You've read it?"
Keith shrugged. "Bits and pieces. When I was trying to piece together the lion carvings in the desert, I researched different folk tales about lions, and some Bible stories came up."
"Do you have a favorite?"
After a moment's thought, Keith admitted, "I liked John the Baptist."
Pidge smiled. Of course Keith would identify with a desert hermit awaiting a special arrival. "I like David and Goliath, and stories about families that overcame challenges together. I find myself relating to lots of different parts. There are so many symbols and parallels."
"Like what?"
"Like … fighting for justice, hoping for peace … leaving or losing your home … getting separated from people you love."
Keith grunted.
"You remind me of Simon Peter. He had a lot of faith in Jesus, and Jesus wanted him to lead the Apostles and other disciples." Keith had a visible emotional reaction to this, but Pidge could not tell what emotion it was that flashed across his face. She continued, "But when Jesus predicted that he was going to die, Peter refused to believe it." Keith looked surprised at this revelation. Pidge gave him a lopsided smile. "Plus, he made a lot of mistakes, and was kind of a hothead, like you."
Keith thought about this for a moment before querying, "You think Shiro's like Jesus?"
"Well, he is our leader. And you're pretty close to him, like Peter was to Jesus. And I think he sees more in us than we see in ourselves, the way Jesus seems to with his followers."
"Wow." There was a strange mixture of admiration and sarcasm in Keith's voice. "That's deep, Pidge."
She shrugged modestly. "Jesus talked a lot about the people he led. Sometimes he used kingdom imagery, sometimes pastoral imagery. I'm not sure exactly how that would translate to our situation. I don't know if Shiro is our lost sheep, or if we're the sheep without a shepherd."
Keith rolled his eyes, but Pidge could have sworn the corners of his mouth turned up for a moment. "Okay, now you're just seeing things."
"Once you learn about all these analogies it's hard not to see them!" She wondered about that sometimes. Was pervasiveness an indicator of truthfulness? Or was it simply a change in perception, like a new pair of glasses?
Keith interrupted her musing with a question. "Do you believe them? The stories?"
"Lance asked me that recently. Sometimes I think I'd like to. It's nice to have something to believe in … and to know someone believes in you. But I think I have that, in my family and friends."
"Yeah." Keith turned his head to look back at the void of space. "After my parents, Shiro was the first person who really believed in me."
Pidge nodded. She knew exactly what he meant. Shiro always encouraged people to believe in themselves. He had repeated her father's words of encouragement when she was anxious about finding her lion. He had reassured her that they would find Sam and Matt. And on more than one occasion—including their most recent battle—he had rallied his teammates' spirits when they most needed confidence in themselves and each other.
"I came to space to find my brother," Pidge reflected. "But I ended up with four brother-figures … plus a big sister and wacky uncle." She met Keith's eyes and half-smiled at him. "Anyway … I'm not giving up on Shiro any more than on Matt and my dad. We'll keep looking until we find them."
Keith let out an exasperated sigh, letting his head fall back on the couch pillows. "What could happen in the meantime? He was gone for a year, long enough to fight in arenas, lose his arm, be tortured and experimented on, probably be forced to kill people…" Keith's breath hitched, and he turned away from Pidge, unable to continue.
Pidge did not know what to do. She was good at having intellectual conversations, and she understood what Keith was feeling (possibly better than anyone else on the team), but she had no experience with giving people comfort, especially people who were so reserved. "Do you want me to go?" she asked tentatively.
It took a moment for Keith to answer; when he did, his voice was tightly clipped. "I want you to do whatever it takes to track down Shiro as quickly as possible."
"I will." Pidge closed her computer, then leaned over and gave Keith a quick, slightly awkward one-armed hug before she stood and left the room.
Author's Notes
I chose the epigraph today after hearing it read at Mass.
For more on Keith's investigation of the lion carvings and his similarity to John the Baptist, check out my short story cycle "Make Straight His Paths."
I had a tricky time deciding whether Keith would have this discussion in this story, or in "Make Straight His Paths," or with Lance in "Catholic Means Universal"; and whether it would be before or after the team found out about Shiro wanting Keith to be his successor, which parallels Jesus designating Peter as the rock on which the Church would be built (Matthew 16:13-20) and asking him to take care of the flock (John 21:15-17).
Music: "Nowhere To Be Found" by Nathan Tasker
