*Ieyasu Tokugawa*
I was sitting my Botan's bedside and didn't turn at the sound of slow, careful footsteps behind me.
"Is he alright?" Mai asked.
"He will be." It was the afternoon after the previous night's incident. Mai had been quickly cleared of having anything wrong with her besides the usual and had been quickly taken back to her room and Nobunaga so that I was able to focus on Botan. I'd taken the ronin to a secluded room and patched him up to the best of my ability, which meant he would be just fine. His wound hadn't been exactly lethal, but too much blood loss would have put him in some danger. Or her, I should say?
That was why I had taken such care in treating Botan privately. Whatever reason she had for pretending to be a man, I'd respect it until she got the chance to explain herself. I was the only one in my home that knew, as I'd concealed it even from the maids who had taken Mai away.
"This is my fault," Mai murmured as she dropped to sit at Botan's other side.
"Yeah." The story Mai had told was that Botan had told her not to go out alone at night but that she had anyways and had just so happened to run into Shingen Takeda out for a stroll in Azuchi. It wasn't that I didn't believe the gist of her story, but she had clearly been trying to cover up for Botan's failure on the job. Still, they had both come back alive. That would be enough and we would get Botan's side of the story when he woke up. She. Whatever. I didn't know anymore.
I'd seen her chest for myself. I couldn't speak for the mind but Botan was a woman in terms of body. I'd been suspecting but had talked myself out of believing it. Now that it was confirmed I felt strangely calm. This was just what it was.
"He asked me personally to be more careful," Mai fretted. "I'm so stupid…!"
"What are you complaining to me for? Isn't there something more productive you can do for his sake?"
Her face lit up. "I think there is. Thanks, Ieyasu!" And like that she was a strange woman.
"It's not like I was trying to help," I muttered. I waited for a while to make sure no one else would come through the door, then pulled back the blanket from Botan's body to start changing his bandages. The injury to his shoulder would certainly hinder him in upcoming battles, but he had mobility. It would be better for him to remain on rest, though.
As a medical professional, I wasn't fazed by seeing a woman's chest. It was just another body part that could be treated for injury if need be. Wrapping Botan's shoulder meant that exposing his chest—her chest?—was necessary. To wrap the arm, I wrapped the chest too. Botan seemed to keep his chest bound anyhow, so it was likely more convenient for everyone involved. With a sigh I sat his body up against mine and unwrapped the bindings from the night before. No sign of infection. The wounds weren't deep enough to make amputation an option we needed to consider. He would be fine. Once done I fixed his clothes and laid him back down. Simple as that.
"Good morning," he whispered once I had drawn away from him.
My heart jumped with a startled fright but my face didn't change. "It's the afternoon."
"Ah." His face was bright red, and for the first time I started to catch on to some embarrassment of my own.
"How long have you been awake?"
"I don't know. I'm not sure what was a dream or not. But not long, I think."
"Well, you'll be glad to know that you're fine."
"Thank you." He sat up slowly, and the blanket fell back into his lap. He touched his shoulder gingerly and winced, then used both arms to hug himself. "So you know."
"What do you think?"
"Hm…" His cheeks got even redder and he drew the blanket around his shoulders, concealing himself.
"I haven't told anyone else and don't plan to."
He smiled gratefully. "Thank you."
"So, officially… Are you a man or a woman?"
He tucked hair behind his ear nervously, then loosened it again. "I'm a woman."
The change in his—her—voice was instant. It became softer, higher, and for an instant I didn't know how to deal with it. "Is your name really Botan?"
"It's… It's Sumire. Sumire Shinanoki."
Sumire. It would take a while to get used to. "Why are you running around disguised as a man?"
She hesitated. "It's a long story. Just let me think. Please." I waited patiently for her to continue. I certainly didn't blame her for needing a while to gather her thoughts. "You know… How you told me it was better to let yourself be used?"
My cheeks flushed now, but with shame. "Yeah."
"I live as a man so I don't get used."
"… Ah." That was why she had gotten so angry when I'd told her that. Getting used in this world as a woman was completely used from getting used as a man. I couldn't even fathom the implications. "I'm sorry. I would have never said that if I'd known."
"It's alright. We live in different worlds."
"We do." There was no denying it.
"Um… And Mai? She's alright?"
"Barely a scratch on her."
Sumire smiled, one warm with relief. Damn, I was already seeing everything about her differently. Male androgyny had shifted into female beauty. Not that Sumire was beautiful. She was pretty, maybe, overall rather plain. Cute on the best of days. "I'm glad."
"What happened last night?"
Sumire sat up straighter, businesslike. "I fell asleep for just a moment, it felt like, and then Mai was gone. I don't know why she left, but I chased after her into town. I heard her scream and rushed in to help, and she was getting kidnapped. It was Shingen Takeda. I escaped him, barely, and then he and Kenshin Uesugi were both there. Kenshin was about to kill me, but I escaped by…" Her expression twisted with bitterness and her hands clutched the blankets above her chest. "Revealing… myself. To him."
So that was why her clothes had been torn. She'd done it herself in a last-ditch effort to evade death. "I'm sorry you had to do that."
She almost looked like she was grieving. "It turns out I'm useless. I can't even protect myself, much less Mai."
While my first inclination would usually have been to respond sharply or unsympathetically, my heart went out to her in that moment. "You survived and brought Mai back home. That's the best any of us could have done in that situation."
A slight smile curved on her lips. "You're kind."
"I'm not," I grumbled.
"You helped me when I needed you. That means a lot. Thank you."
"I get it, so you can stop now."
She laughed. "Okay." Then she turned her face away. "So you… changed my bandages."
"I didn't look more than I had to. In the moment you weren't a woman or a man, you were just another patient." Not that I hadn't been especially aware that I had been treating an ally and not some random stranger, but still. That was what had stuck out to me, not her body. "Trust me, nothing inappropriate crossed my mind."
"Y-Yeah." She put her hands over her face as she turned back to me. "I'm sorry. I can't seem to get over this…"
"How, exactly, have you been successful in hiding that you're a woman for this long? I had my suspicions after one prolonged interaction with you."
"That's because I… Because you…" She began but stopped herself and dropped her hands into her lap. "I'm not good at hiding myself, it's true. I've relied on not spending too long in one place or with the same people. That's what's good about being a ronin, you know? It's not considered strange behavior for me to be alone or skittish."
And I had been so unkind, thinking her choices were based only in dishonor. But if I apologized again, we would just fall into the spiral of her thanking me or complimenting me or doing whatever else she could do to make me flustered. "What now? You could probably quit your job now with no hard feelings on anyone's part."
"I want to stay until the war is over." Botan—no, Sumire, I still couldn't get used to it—stretched her shoulder and gritted her teeth. "How long until I can fight again?"
"You could still lift a sword, but too much movement will just open your wound again. The less you strain yourself, the faster you'll recover."
"Damn," she swore softly.
"Why so eager to get yourself killed?"
"I want to protect Mai."
"Because she's a woman?"
"Yes. And because she's my friend, I think." Sumire lowered her gaze bashfully. "Not that I know what that's supposed to feel like."
"Hey, just because I know your little secret doesn't mean I want to hear about all of your problems. If you have concerns with Mai, just talk to her about them and leave me out of it."
Sumire smiled lopsidedly. "It seems like more often than not your scolding is actually solid advice. You ever notice that?"
"It's not my fault the rest of you lack common sense."
"Whatever you say." She sighed. "I should go back soon, shouldn't I?"
"Maybe." Something in me rejected the idea of her leaving. Were there any good reasons for that? I tried to find one. Was it because she needed to keep resting? No, she'd be fine wherever she rested so long as she could either change her own bandages or find someone she trusted to help her. But that in itself, finding someone to do that, would pose a problem. "Who else knows about you?"
"Only Mitsuhide."
"That's why you've been sucking up to him?"
"As if I had a choice," Sumire groaned.
"Blackmail, huh… Well since I know now, you can tell him to leave you alone. Only if you're so inclined."
"He… promised to look into something for me. So I think our current arrangement is fine."
"Look into something?" Should I even ask?
"Um, well…" Sumire smiled. "Do you want to hear about my problems or not?"
Yes. No. "Just one more."
"My home was destroyed. The people who did it claimed to be Oda soldiers. I don't think that's true after meeting all of you, so I just don't know anymore. I'd like to know, I guess, but it's not like I can't move on and live life if I can't learn the truth. But yes. Mitsuhide is looking into it." She shrugged. "For all I know it could have been random brigands."
Every word from her mouth made me feel like more and more of a terrible person. But I didn't know what to say anymore. Apologies just wouldn't be enough. How could I convey it? How I felt in that moment, wanting to reach out to another person in sympathy for their pain.
I'd never felt like this.
*Sumire "Botan" Shinanoki*
I figured it must have been frustrating for Ieyasu, to hear sob story after sob story from me, but I felt so incredibly relieved to talk it out, especially after the heated conversation we'd had the day before. I wanted to stay in this space with him forever, just talking and sharing, or even saying nothing. I liked his company, I liked the way he spoke so casually and callously but with such a subtle undercurrent of caring to it all.
But he had been silent for a while after I'd concluded the explanation of my working relationship with Mitsuhide. He seemed to be lost in thought, looking in my direction but not quite. "Ieyasu?" I got his attention carefully.
He gave a start before leaning over without warning. I froze and caught my breath when his head hit my unwounded shoulder. "Sorry," he murmured.
In a flash, I understood everything behind that single awkwardly uttered word. I'm sorry for not understanding. I'm sorry for saying what I said. I'm sorry I hurt you when I didn't mean to. He didn't have to say it. Ieyasu was a good person, so I knew that this was how he would genuinely feel after really understanding why I had been so angry that he had called me dishonorable for doing what I needed to do to survive.
"Thank you," I whispered, indulging myself in nuzzling my face into his soft hair. He flinched and stiffened at first but relaxed after I drew back slightly to give him the space he seemed to need.
"It's fine. You're fine... doing that." The words, wisps that were barely there, made me shiver. I carefully pressed my cheek back to the top of his head and closed my eyes. It was so calming, I almost felt like I could go right back to sleep."You could stay here," Ieyasu murmured. "While you're recovering. You… don't have to go back to living in Azuchi castle immediately. I'll keep helping you dress your wound. That way no one else will find out. You'd be safe. Just for a few more days, if you like."
It was tempting. It was so tempting. Someone explicitly offering me safety and knowing companionship. I'd dreamed about this endlessly for years. I let out a softly contented sound and leaned my weight towards Ieyasu so we were futher pressed together, almost propping one another up as we slumped.
He tilted his chin up and I felt his breath on my neck. So warm. Tingles of heat started to spread all over my body. I wanted to tilt my head down, kiss him. Hold him, be held in turn in a connection emotional and physical in equal measure.
And that was exactly why I had to leave as soon as possible. I couldn't think straight. We had barely just become friends, it felt like, and here I was having romantic fantasies. The gesture likely didn't mean anything for him beyond trying to reassure me in his own awkward way. The offer to stay was just him caring for the welfare of a patient.
"Um…" My voice came out unsteady, bothered, so I tried to swallow down and contain everything in me that was running haywire. Ieyasu sat up straight too, watching me with an expression no different or more meaningful than how he always looked at me. It convinced me I was correct in assuming he meant nothing by what had just transpired. "I appreciate it. But I should go back as soon as I can. For Mai, and to explain what happened."
"Right." His voice, though. He sounded nervous, embarrassed, and it only made me more conscious as well. Was he blushing? Perhaps the redness of his cheeks was just a wistful illusion on my part. I was certainly blushing. Maybe he was pretending not to notice. Oh, I didn't know what to think anymore. I had no experience with these things.
"Thank you for the offer, though. I can't say that enough."
"It's no problem." He paused. "Do you feel confident in changing the bandages on your own?"
"Hrm…" I tried to raise my injured arm above my head and was greeted with blazing pain. "Agh! Geez, ow…" So, no, I would not in fact be changing my own bandages.
"Hey, hold it. Take it easy." Ieyasu put a hand on my back for support and I turned my head sharply away. He put both hands safely in the air. "I should ask. Are you uncomfortable being touched? I can be more careful."
My heart swelled that he had the decency to wonder and ask. "I…" I couldn't quite figure out how to respond. Should I be honest with him? "I'm usually alright." No, there was no way I could tell him. There was no end to the potential misunderstandings and awkwardness if I outright tried to explain that I actually felt very comfortable with him, as in I felt immense sexual attraction, and that was the problem I faced. "I just don't want to impose."
"Don't be ridiculous. I'll come see you in your room to help you change them periodically."
I smiled, overwhelmed and grateful for his kindness. He was willing to work with me, and that meant so much. "Ieyasu…"
"What? Don't make a big deal of it," he muttered.
"Okay. I won't even tell you how much I appreciate you. Not a single thing along those lines." All I would have to do is hold myself back and just appreciate the relationship we did have. I had confidence I would be able to force myself to remain professional, if only on the outside. But that was all I needed.
Ieyasu smiled begrudgingly. "Do one thing for me, though, and rest for today. Feel free to walk around but don't strain yourself. I'll let Nobunaga know you'll be back tomorrow."
I tried not to grin, though I was happier than was proper to be confined to Ieyasu's residence for just a little while longer. "Alright."
"Well… Bye." He backed away before standing. "I mean it. Get some rest."
I obediently lay down on my back, drawing the covers around me. "Yes, sir." How I would sleep when I felt so excited, I wasn't sure. Still, I closed my eyes and listened to him leave quietly, door shut softly behind him. I felt out of control, in a way both dreadful and wonderful, a sinking feeling that wouldn't relent and I wasn't sure I wanted to go away.
Did I even deserve to feel this way when I was so weak? Even as I started to drift into sleep, Kenshin Uesugi's words kept echoing in my head. I wasn't a warrior. He'd said that with such certainty. Conviction wasn't enough. Just because I'd found a cause to fight for and people I wanted to stand next to didn't mean I had the strength to earn the place I wanted.
So that was it. Instead of worrying about love or friendship first and foremost, I would worry about my power. The rest would follow, and then maybe I would find room to sort my feelings out. Maybe I would be able to pay back all of the kindness given to me.
