*Ieyasu Tokugawa*

I didn't understand fully what had happened the day before with Sumire. It was unlike me to respond to a lack of words within myself by opting for physical contact, but I had to admit that it had felt good to lean on another person, literally and metaphorically. And Sumire… Maybe it could be explained by her being uncomfortable around men in general, maybe it had more to do with a shy personality that she had started to display, but…

She'd looked like she wanted me to touch her, and scared about that or something else. There was no way I could risk it without knowing for sure, taking her experiences and choices into consideration. Besides, I didn't even know what I wanted. Nothing along those lines had crossed my mind until now. Well, I'd thought she was a man, so the possibility hadn't even crossed my mind. Having to think about her in this new way was unprecedented and unpleasant, but it wasn't as if I completely detested the way it felt either.

People used one another, yes, so there were certain kinds of relationships I didn't see the point in. But Sumire had me starting to reconsider. I could see now that there were times you had to fight instead of being used, no matter the cost or how unsavory the methods were. All that said, I was interested in knowing her more. But that didn't translate immediately into knowing how I felt about romantic and sexual relationships. I'd never really been able to put a lot of investment into things like that. Still, that I was thinking about it at all probably meant something.

There was nothing too special about Sumire. I'd thought that when I knew her as Botan and I thought that now. So maybe romance and the like were just about finding someone to by wholly un-special together with. Or did someone become special when love happened however it did? I was getting ahead of myself. No one had brought up love. This was only a matter of hopefully and likely fleeting attraction that wouldn't even have been a problem if I hadn't found out that Sumire was a woman. But hadn't I noticed certain features when I'd thought she was a man? I didn't even know anymore.

I had far better things to worry about. Battling Shingen Takeda again was inevitable since Nobunaga and I had defeated him previously. He'd be back for revenge. And as if I hadn't had enough of a reason and desire to cut the man in half, he'd gone and hurt Sumire too.

Dammit, it kept going back to her. She had rested obediently the day before and had gone back to her place in Nobunaga's castle this very morning. We'd had yet another war council that took up most of that time until the afternoon, when Sumire had stayed behind afterwards to talk to Nobunaga about what had happened to her and Mai, and now I was skulking towards Sumire's room to help change her bandages once I'd finally found the time.

When I entered, I was surprised at the face I saw. "Masamune?"

He laughed at me. "Why do you look so surprised? You're not Botan's only friend."

"We're not friends," I muttered, automatic response to his teasing to be contrary even if the denial wasn't true. "Now get out, Masamune."

"Fine, fine, if you want him all to yourself that badly, I won't get in the way." Masamune stood after clapping Sumire's uninjured shoulder. "I'll meet you later, then."

"Yes! Thank you." Sumire smiled brightly up at him.

Hmph. Awfully chummy, the two of them. "You're the one who wants to bed him," I muttered so that only Masamune could hear me as he passed. He had no right to tease me about friendship or whatever else.

He snickered. "Jealous, I see."

Hardly. I waited until I was certain he was out of earshot and checked to make sure the door was tightly shut before kneeling in front of Sumire. "How are you feeling today?"

"Better. But my arm doesn't want to be lifted any higher than this." She raised her arm straight out and looked as if she were in pain from just that.

"Well, don't strain yourself. That will just make the healing process slower. You'll be even more useless."

"Right. I'll be careful." She nodded, ignoring my jab.

My thoughts were spinning as I laid out fresh bandages and poultice. I wanted to ask, but I shouldn't ask. Dammit, I was going to ask. "What are you doing with Masamune?"

"Nothing," Sumire said quickly.

"Uh-huh." I'd take the hint that she didn't want to talk about it. Even if they had their secrets, it wouldn't be bigger than the secret Sumire and I already shared. Not that it was a contest. I made a circling motion with one finger. "Strip."

Her face turned bright red. "Is that really the best way you could have phrased that?"

"Point taken. Now please strip. See? I said please. Isn't that better?"

"Fine." She shot me a glare before screwing her eyes shut and unceremoniously yanking her clothes off. A sharp breath hissed through her teeth as she lifted her injured arm above her head, and I winced in sympathy.

The slightest brush of my fingers as I moved to unwind the bandages already on her made Sumire flinch, and I jerked back in response. Dammit, how was I supposed to work when she looked so frightened? Resisting the utterly despicable and nonsensical urge to sigh and/or hug her, I asked, "What's the matter?"

"Nothing," she squeaked. "Do it. Rip it off! I can take it!"

"Keep your voice down!" I snapped.

"I'm trying!"

"You're clearly not!"

"Just do it! You're killing me here!"

"What are you even talking about?! You're the one who started yelling without warning! I'm just trying to help you and do my job!"

"WE'RE BOTH YELLING! WE SHOULD STOP!"

"Shut up before I make you!"

"And how would you make me, exactly?!"

To prove my point, I put a hand over her mouth. "Like so."

"Mmph!" She grunted a wordless protest.

"I need you to calm down and be quiet. I'm a medical professional and you're a patient. There's nothing more to it, so get out of your own head. Nod if you understand." I smiled slightly as she bobbed her head once. "Good. Now I'm going to remove my hand and we're both going to be nice and calm. Okay? Okay."

"You're more medical than professional, wouldn't you say?" She mumbled the second I lowered my hand.

So I put it back, pressing my palm lightly to her mouth. "You're incorrigible."

Her response was muffled, but there was laughter in her eyes and I felt her smiling.

I moved my hand to pinch her cheek before busying myself with unravelling the clean bandages. "Just let me do what I came here to do, will you? I want to leave as soon as possible."

She nodded and was silent throughout the rest of the process of me inspecting her wound—no signs of infection, thankfully—and reapplying the binds. Her face was red and her eyes were screwed shut the entire time, but she survived the humiliation she undoubtedly felt. I worked as quickly as I could to spare us both.

Once done, I pulled her undershirt back over her head. "Look. You made it. Was that so hard?"

She opened her eyes and smiled shyly, with no small measure of relief. "It was downright unbearable."

Her words struck me as honest, and I didn't know how to respond to the anxiety I suddenly felt. "You… You know I'd never hurt you, right?" Every word felt layered with stupidity, but I was compelled to reassure her; I needed to . She'd barely been comfortable enough to let me do something we'd agreed to and that benefitted her keeping her secret. For this to work, I needed to get her to let go of whatever was holding her back.

"Of course I know that."

"Then why are you so uncomfortable around me?"

"Nooo, what? I wasn't, no. No." She laughed awkwardly.

I gave her a withering stare in response.

"Okay, so I was a mite skittish. It's just that… Well, I'm a woman and you're a man. How can I not be aware of that when I'm half naked in front of you, even if it is just for the sake of my health? And I know I didn't phrase that the best, but you know what I mean."

I had legitimately not thought about it like that. The way I considered our doctor-patient relationship was only proper, I knew, but it was still embarrassing to know she was thinking of it differently the entire time no matter what I said.

When I didn't respond immediately, she continued. "And, um, I know that's my fault. You've been very chivalrous about the whole thing, and –"

I barked out a laugh. "Chivalrous? Let's make that the first and last time that word is used in reference to me, okay?" I leaned closer to her, looking into her eyes pointedly. "Listen. We're… friends. You can trust me."

Her eyes widened. "Friends. You said we're friends."

"Yeah."

A delighted, wickedly satisfied grin alighted on her face. "You admitted it. You can't take it back."

I felt my face redden with indignant embarrassment. "And just like that, I take it back. We're not friends. I loathe you."

"Ieyasu is my best friend in the world and nothing can stop our friendship!" Sumire laughed.

"Delusional," I muttered, trying not to smile or laugh with her. "Sumire?"

"Yeah?"

Since I seemed to get into these incomprehensible moods around her, I gave into my desire to know. "What are you doing with Masamune?"

Her smile faded, and she studied me with an unreadable expression. "Why do you care?" She finally asked.

I couldn't read behind the words, couldn't tell if they held accusation or admonishment or some sort of hope. I didn't know what I felt or how I wanted her to feel and was tangled in the web of these unfamiliar emotions and thoughts.

"I don't," I muttered in the end. "Forget I asked."

She smiled somewhat tiredly. "Ah, my little contrarian. We'll work on you being honest with your feelings."

"There are no feelings for me to be honest about."

"Right. Well…" She stood and nodded as she stretched her shoulder as far as it would go. "Thank you for your help."

Damn. Something in me felt twisted now, and it was all because of her. Part of me hated her for it. "Yeah." I gathered my things and edged towards the door. "I'll be back in two days to check on you again."

"I'll see you then." She bowed slightly and looked away, clearly waiting with impatience for me to leave. That said, I made my exit as quickly as humanly possible.

I wasn't looking to stick around in that awkward tension, but I also didn't like leaving so confused. What, exactly, had I done or said that was wrong? Nothing. I mean, I hadn't been entirely honest with my feelings or reasoning, but it was Sumire's fault too for asking such a clearly loaded question. It was impossible for me to act or speak from a place of truth without knowing what she expected from me. I had a feeling she thought the same way and that neither of us knew exactly what the hell was going on.

Stupid. We were both just entirely stupid people.

*Sumire Shinanoki*

Even as I ran to meet Masamune once the sun had just started to set, my thoughts were filled to the brim with Ieyasu. There was nothing I could do about it, and I hated that along with how I'd acted in the end. He'd clearly been bothered by me seeing Masamune for whatever reason, and I'd wanted an explanation. And, yes, I'd gotten irrationally angry and hurt when he'd done what he usually did and grumpily denied being curious or caring. But what had I expected? That was half of Ieyasu's personality. He didn't owe me anything just because I wanted something from him that I was too scared to name.

Masamune was prowling back and forth across the room we'd chosen to meet in when I entered. "You're late!" He crowed.

"I feel more like I'm exactly on time," I said. When I'd heard that there was a practice room within the castle that the warlords used to let off steam or hold both casual and serious duels with each other and with what few challengers dared them, I'd known exactly what I wanted to do. I'd barely thought about it when, before the war council that morning, I'd pulled Masamune to the side and asked him to help me become stronger. He also hadn't seemed to put any thought in before instantly agreeing.

Thus, we were here, in a room with no decoration except racks of wooden training swords on the walls. Masamune didn't give me time to breathe before starting in on our training regimen. We completed hundreds of mock swings before trading blows, and when we finally did fight, he showed me no mercy on account of my injury. He played to it, in fact, focusing on my wounded side and targeting it with all of his strength. This continued until all was a deep, inky and sterile dark outside and, after hitting the floor dozens of times, I lost the will to get back up.

"Done already?" Masamune asked with a hearty laugh.

"We've been at it for a long time," I wheezed. "You're just inhuman."

He sat while I lay on the floor panting. "Ah, that was fun, lad. It would have been even more fun if you were in full form, but still." He paused, taking a moment to examine me. "Why did you want me to train you, anyhow?"

I waited to catch my breath a bit more before speaking. "I'm too weak as I am."

"Well, yeah." He motioned to my arm. "But then again, maybe not. Your foes were no ordinary men. You and Mai are lucky to be alive."

"That's just the thing. I can't keep relying on luck. I'll never be able to protect Mai if I'm not as strong as the rest of you."

Masamune nodded. "I can see how that wouldn't sit well. I wouldn't be content if I were you."

I wasn't. I was far from happy with the way things were. "When I fought… When I lost to Kenshin Uesugi, he said something about me not being a warrior. Like there was some qualification I was missing. I know I'm not there yet, and he sized me up as not being able to beat him without even trying. When I thought of warriors, the first people I thought of were you and Nobunaga. I just want to know… Masamune, what makes a good warrior? What am I missing to be strong?"

"That's a big question." He flopped to lay down next to me, putting his hands behind his head. "And one that I'll answer with a question of my own. Why do you fight, Botan?"

"Why? Well, I suppose it's to protect Mai. As my friend."

"That's noble and all, but it's not going to get you through."

"And why not?" I asked, confused. I'd thought that fighting for Mai's sake was the best goal I'd ever had. I'd never really thought of anything beyond survival before for myself, so hadn't fighting for the sake of someone else been a far better choice?

Masamune's gaze had suddenly become intense, and it captured and unnerved me. "You say that you want to fight for Mai, but isn't that just an excuse? Isn't it more that you're scared of reaching for something that you want?"

My first instinct was to become angry. Who did he think he was, talking as if he knew me? But it had been the same with Kenshin. Some weakness in me was transparent to them, and I needed to be humble and listen if I wanted to correct it. "I… I don't understand," I said slowly.

"You're not fighting for yourself, obviously."

"And you are? Everyone else here is? I was under the impression that everyone was fighting for unification and the welfare of the people above all else."

"In part, that cause is fighting for our own benefits. For the people, too, but if there wasn't something in it for all of us personally there wouldn't be a point. It doesn't sound like you get anything substantial for yourself from just protecting Mai."

"So what about you, then? What is it you get?"

His eyes glimmered with a fire I'd never felt within myself, and in that moment I knew that it was what made all of them stronger than I. "I fight to feel alive, lad."

"Alive?" I whispered, breath taken away by the simultaneous cold conviction and blazing joy in his statement.

Masamune continued as if he hadn't heard me. "Saying you only fight for Mai… That makes it okay for you to lose. You can afford to say to yourself, oh, Mai is safe and Mai's dreams are safe, so it doesn't matter if I fall here. That's not good enough. A warrior, a true one worthy of rivalling the likes of Kenshin Uesugi, will have a goal only they can see aside from the broad picture. A warrior fights for that certain something that forbids them from suffering defeat, even when they're in a losing battle or the clutches of death."

"Oh…" I breathed. Something I wanted… Did I dare to be that greedy? Could I afford to think beyond survival and fear?

Masamune laughed. "You should see your face! Don't look so scared, lad. All I'm saying is that you need to be a bit selfish. If there's a moment where a choice in battle is a choice between your life and death, thinking about Mai isn't going to get you through. What is it you really want?"

"I… I mean, you say that you fight to feel alive… I've only ever just wanted to stay alive. What more should I want…" The way Masamune spoke, it was obvious that battle was his life's blood. That was his reason, and it resonated. But me… "I just don't know," I said helplessly. "What am I allowed to want?"

"Allowed? It's not about that. It's about deciding regardless of whether it's allowed or even possible. It's working to make it happen and staking your life on it."

Hoping for the impossible. Anything my heart could possibly desire. "I'd like to get married."

"Well, well!" Masamune laughed.

I put my hands over my mouth, the words having come unbidden. "Please forget I said that."

"No need to be ashamed, lad! It's a fine dream. Nothing wrong with hoping to have a family when all of this is through."

It wasn't just wanting to marry, though, it was also everything that entailed. Living and marrying as a woman was what I envisioned. Maybe in a land unified under Nobunaga, justice among the individual people would reign as well. I wouldn't have to fear being hurt. So if I fought for even more… Maybe in the world that blossomed on the other side, even I would be able to live the life I wanted.

"Maybe it is a fine dream," I said weakly, smiling but unable to look Masamune in the eyes.

Masamune studied me thoughtfully. "I don't claim to know you, lad, but I know you're searching for something."

"I am," I agreed. "And I think you've brought me a bit closer to it. I don't think I would have been determined enough to think of going after what I want for myself on my own. Well… Thank you for your words." I laughed. "I guess that's what I'm trying to say."

"Thank me with your actions, not your words. And maybe buy me a drink."

I laughed again, more jovially. "Sure, sure. Whatever you like." I paused then, thinking. We didn't know one another too well. Not long ago at all, Masamune had suspected me of being a traitor. Ieyasu too. I was grateful for the chance to break down the walls between myself and my allies. "Masamune? Is fighting really the only thing that makes you feel alive?"

His expression, a guarded smile, told me that I had overstepped my bounds and would in no way receive an honest answer. "Well, it's not the only thing by any means."

"Oh?" I tilted my head at him curiously, not reassured by his answer. It just sounded lonely somehow, thinking of his reason for fighting being the thrill of battle itself. What would be left for him in the peaceful world we were striving towards?

"Yeah. There's this, too." By just leaning over slightly, he closed the distance between us enough to press his lips to mine. It was just a moment, short but firm, and he backed away with a mischievous smile before I could even react.

Just like that, my first kiss stolen away. Was that all a kiss was? I'd imagined it with much more fanfare.

"I'd offer to show you much more, lad, but you don't look too interested." Masamune sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "Too bad."

"Uh. You…" I touched my mouth. But Masamune didn't know I was a woman. So, even thinking I was a man, he was attracted to me. "Masamune, you… I didn't think you felt that way…"

"Woah, lad. Don't think too much of it."

"That's not what I'm referring to," I said calmly. "I just had assumed you only liked women."

"I hadn't thought about it much until you told us you liked men. I don't know. Really, any warm body sharing my bed at night sounds like it would be enough."

"I see…" I could never have brought myself to think that way. Love seemed a thing so terrifying and out of reach that I had built it up in my head as this grand, almost divine thing over time. It was only natural that wasn't the case for everyone else.

"But I'll take the hint that you won't be one of the people sharing said bed." Masamune smirked. "Besides, you're interested in Ieyasu."

"What?!" I barked. "No! Recant your statement!"

Masamune laughed from deep in his belly. "See, you clearly do. If you'd reacted so obviously to me, I'd have had you right here. I wouldn't take my time about it like Ieyasu would."

"How can you say things like that so casually?" I squeaked. "Cut it out!"

"It's fun to tease someone with reactions like yours. You're a lot like Mai." Masamune ruffled my hair. "It's just in the way you look at him. So nervous."

Well, yes, the thought of being near Ieyasu made me nervous in a way both wonderfully fluttering and unbearable. But that wasn't love. Interest, though… Was I interested, like Masamune said? "I really don't understand," I said honestly. "There's just way too much I don't understand."

"Nothing wrong with that. Just chase after the knowledge you want without fearing failure. Unless failure means death. In that case, fear failure."

"You're a sage. Such wondrous advice."

"Oh, stop. You'll make me blush." Masamune stood and pulled me to my feet as if lifting a feather. "Tomorrow, then. We'll meet here once in the morning and once at night. Get some rest, because I certainly won't go easy on you."

"I wouldn't want you to." I followed him back outside, and we walked together until we had to part different ways towards our rooms. "Goodnight, Masamune. Thanks again."

"Anytime. And lad?"

"Hm?" I caught my breath when he bent and whispered into my ear.

"Just let me know if you change your mind."

"Er… Okay." I put my hands to my red cheeks as he stood up straight, wishing I would willfully control my reactions. I wanted to tell him that that was impossible because of his misconception about my gender, but the words, as I was so used to holding them back, wouldn't come easily.

He laughed. "I can't help you with your dream of marriage, but I can cure your loneliness for a night if you need."

I sighed as he waved and walked away with a confident swagger that only he could make charming rather than annoying. A strange man, and pushy, but I admired him. I could trust him, maybe, too. Someday. And maybe, if everything he had said that night was true, the world where I could dream of anything I wanted was attainable. That very world, however, lay at the end of a path of war. To fulfill this dream on my current path would be to kill others. But even so…

It was as Masamune said. To live, to dream, I would indulge in my own selfishness.