Chapter 7: Paralyzed
Notes:
Sorry I had to change the rating and warnings, you can blame it on Sara.
Sara desperately tried to hold on to the comforting oblivion of an unusually dreamless sleep and struggled against waking up. She could slowly feel herself lose the battle as awareness was pushing at the edge of her mind.
The first thing her semi-conscious mind noticed was that she couldn't move. She was pinned against a firm chest, trapped by a pair of strong arms that were tightly wrapped around her, making her feel as if she were being squeezed to death by a python. Her eyes sprang open, and her whole body tensed when the panic set in. She was suddenly back on the Freighter being dragged out of her cell by the pirates, Anthony, Hendrick slamming her to the floor choking her, washed ashore of Lian Yu Ivo's former men and prisoners making sure she knew just what they thought of her "Ivo's little bouzin", members of the league teaching her a lesson,… hands all over her body, holding, pushing, hurting, hurting, taking what was not theirs to take… she frightfully gasped for air.
Just to calm down after the first couple of breaths. Her body slowly relaxing as the familiar smell of home registered in her mind.
The muscular arms and solid chest no longer felt threatening but reassuring and dear to her. Her eyes fell closed again in relief and her arms, that had tensed in preparation to push at and hit the presumed threat, loosened up just to hold on to the broad shoulders and neck a little tighter. Pulling herself closer.
Ollie.
She was with Ollie. She was safe.
Sara nestled her head between his neck and shoulder, breathing in his unique scent while her frantic heartbeat slowed down to its normal, steady rhythm. She burrowed into him, trying to get even closer, albeit it being impossible, his hold on her was so tight that there was no space left between them, but she still tried to snuggle closer, to somehow get absorbed by his body. Trying desperately to make the world and her new reality disappear.
She wasn't ready yet to face the truth. The truth that she had now truly become a monster. A monster with an unquenching thirst for blood. She recalled how much better and calmer she had felt after giving in to the blood lust and killing mercilessly. Not that she had been given any other choice as to surrender to the voices of the demons in her mind and do their bidding as they whispered to take, take, take. Take the life she was holding in her lethal hands. Let the violence take over, relinquish the little control she had over her blood lust and actions and to just ride the unbelievable high that came with the brutality with which she had committed the murder and every additional, unnecessary drop of blood she had spilled just increased the exhilaration.
She was scared, more scared than she remembered ever being. She had no control over her body once the red haze and twisted darkness in her took over. No way of restraining herself, of stopping before an attack became a kill with the relive that the blood-smeared hands brought, at least until the haze cleared and reality set back in, bringing with it the utter horror of what she had done.
She was dangerous.
Reigning in the desire to take revenge for her murder took everything she had out of her. Keeping her hands in check and pushing the demons voices to the deepest, darkest corner of her mind whenever Thea was close drove her to the brink of insanity and demanded every ounce of self-control she could muster. God, she was more afraid of herself and what her weary hands might do to the young woman she considered as much a sister as she did Laurel than she had ever been of the pirates on the Amazo or Anthony, after he had let his true colors show and she had realized with horror that her savior was not a knight in shining armor but a devil in disguise. Even a Mirakuru induced Slade or Ra's al Ghul himself never managed to scare her as much as she did herself right now.
Sara knew that Oliver would want to talk about the Lazarus Pit and the blood lust once he was awake. But how was she supposed to tell him about her thirst for blood? How the demons in her mind begged for his beloved baby sister's blood? How her hands twitched in anticipation and need to feel the knife, hidden on her body at all times, slide into the tiny brunette. How she could almost feel and taste the blood on her hands and the satisfaction, relief and utter peace this unspeakable and unforgivable crime would bring her.
One of the only things keeping her from giving in to the promise of peace was the certain knowledge that she did not deserve any kind of peace. Not after everything she did before her death, and unquestionably not now after her resurrection and all the horrible crimes she had committed since her rebirth in the Lazarus Pit.
She couldn't stay here.
She had to leave because all it took was one moment. One moment for her to slip up and lose the precarious hold she had on the chains that held her demons back, one second for her to carry out the unforgivable sin. To execute the unthinkable and murder sweet, loving and innocent Thea in cold blood.
She'd much sooner cut out her own heart before laying a hand on the girl whose mother she had sworn to protect her and take care of her no matter what at the tender age of 14 right before she watched the then 6-year-old for the very first time. A promise she had always taken seriously. Even in her rebellious phase during her teenage years. When she enjoyed going to every extreme possible, chasing any high she could get, trying anything and everything she could get her hands on and away with in the name of having fun. But never when she was supposed to watch the youngest Queen. Not even when Ollie and Tommy tried to get her to take part in their private party (trying whatever money had made possible for them to get their hands on) after little Thea had gone to sleep.
There was nothing she wanted more than to just crawl under Oliver's skin and hide inside of him for the rest of her life. The voices in her head had never been as quiet and far away as they were right now while everything Oliver surrounded her. His arms, body and smell. It was almost as if his presence alone was repelling the demons under her skin and muting their voices. The unquenching thirst and gnawing hunger for blood that was constantly tormenting her seemed far away. Not gone, never gone, but bearable. Her skin no longer felt stretched too tight over her bones, it finally fit again, and her hands weren't itching for the next kill.
Sara didn't dare to move. She barely allowed herself to breathe out of fear of waking up her sanctuary and loosing this oasis of peace and quiet. Her save haven. It was due to her complete stillness in his arms that she could pinpoint the exact moment Oliver stirred. His tells of waking up were small, almost unnoticeable she probably wouldn't have picked up on them right away if she weren't completely motionless. She felt his fingers on her back flex just the tiniest bit, the rise of his chest as he pulled in a deep breath reverberated in her own, the twitch of his right leg (she was pretty sure he never got the surgery to actually get his knee fixed properly) for being in the same position for too long. All those signs pointed towards Oliver being close to waking up, but not quite there yet. Sara wondered if he might be fighting the same battle against reality as she had an unknown amount of time ago. But still she did not dare move.
Oliver's strong hands were slowly moving up her ribcage now just to stop in the middle of her shoulder blades respectively, only his thumbs didn't still. They were stroking her on both sides of her spine in a slow and comforting pattern almost as if he was aware of her feelings and trying to give her some kind of reassurance that he would not shatter her peace, now slowly nuzzling his cheek against her head in addition to stroking her back. If only they could stay just like this forever. Only him and her. No one else.
The entire world had fallen away until all there was, all that mattered was Oliver Jonas Queen.
