*Ieyasu Tokugawa*
She looked good. Damn, did she look good. Not that I would ever be able to tell her without creating yet another misunderstanding or tense situation, but still. And her hand was unbearably warm, so I pulled away and crossed my arms the instant her fingers had finished wrapping around mine.
Sumire didn't look phased, just put her arm back at her side and kept it there. But what had she expected me to do? Why had she done it? It wasn't as if I could have just let her hold my hand so casually. There was too much meaning behind it. Or was that only in my head?
There was no specific destination in mind, but I wanted to talk to Sumire alone somewhere. I wanted to know more about her. Everything, really. If I could just have that, maybe there would be enough security to be more decisive on how/what/if/whatever I felt or needed to do. After roaming around the market streets and almost losing Sumire in the crowds as I sped ahead of her due to nerves and the general frustration that filled me in her presence, I gave up and went to the training grounds.
Formations and mocks battles were practiced in an open field distanced from the populous so as not to offend the delicate sensibilities of the common people. Not far from Azuchi's throng was a narrow but sturdy bridge; once crossed, we would find ourselves in relative peace. The field was littered with echoes of the laughter, blood, sweat and unadmitted tears of soldiers, those fallen and living alike. A river ran through it, forming a sort of border between it and the world of conflict beyond. Sumire and I dropped down on its banks; there was some distance between us, and I couldn't seem to bring myself to face her properly.
We hadn't spoken at all since leaving the castle. I was being utterly ridiculous, going around and around in my thoughts while on the outside Sumire and I were in a mire of total silence. I'd basically ordered her to come with me, and here I was acting like a child. It was lucky she didn't look mad at me for all but leaving her behind in the town.
"Sorry." She apologized before I could think of a good conversation topic. And why was she apologizing before I got the chance to? Damn it all. "I won't do things like that anymore. I promise. It was wrong of me to do that. Since you already made your feelings clear."
How could I have made my feelings clear when I didn't even know what they were? I was stupid, she was stupid, love was stupid, and here we were. "What are you talking about?" I snapped, angry not at her but at myself for being so inept.
"You rejected me. I'll respect your boundaries. Because, well, I appreciate our friendship. And I appreciate you." She smiled slightly and dipped her head.
Yet again, everything felt like it was going all wrong. There seemed to be one glaring disconnect between us concerning one thing. "When did I reject you?" I demanded.
She looked at me like I had gone positively insane. "In the library."
"What?"
Finally, she seemed to lose her patience with me. She'd been remarkably calm up to that point, considering my behavior. "In the library!" She yelled, eyes wide with disbelief. "I told you I was attracted to you! If you had wanted to tell me how you felt or anything like that, that would have been the time!"
"Hold on. You also said at the time that you didn't know what you wanted to do about your attraction or what it meant to you. How the hell was I supposed to respond to something like that?"
"But you… Actually, that's a good point," she mumbled. "Okay. To make this simple, let's just explain our thoughts clearly and calmly. I'm not mad at you. I don't want to yell or fight."
"Me either, obviously. And that's probably for the best." I shifted to be facing her, as I should have been smart enough to do in the first place. I should have faced her in all things. Be clear, open and honest with everything. "What did I reject, exactly?"
She blushed. "My… feelings?"
"That wasn't exactly clear. Being attracted to someone isn't the same as wanting something more, and you didn't mention anything like that. Again, how was I supposed to react?"
"Good point…" She put her face in her hands and groaned. "You were right. I am stupid."
"True, but that's fine." So she'd thought some confession and rejection of sorts had happened… I hadn't seen it that way at all. It was a marvel she'd been so calm and kind around me since then. Goodness. Sumire was such a wonderful woman. If I kept hesitating, she'd definitely meet someone else who could make her happy. I didn't even want to think about it.
So that was it then. Unquestionably, I wanted her for myself. But how to convey that… And it didn't change the fact that, no matter how close we felt, I didn't know very much about her. Okay. Okay. Calm down.
I took a breath. "To put it plainly. You have feelings for me, right?"
She blushed. "I do. I don't know what that means, but…"
Those same words we kept tossing around as reasoning for our hesitation. I had a very important realization as she said them. "I'm just as stupid as you are," I said, dumbfounded.
"Honestly, that's good to hear. At least we're on the same page." She smiled.
That was the last time I'd give her that concession. "I'm being serious. Listen." I looked into her eyes, trying to show how serious I was. "Why does it matter that we don't know or understand something?"
"Because it's…" She trailed and her voice when she continued, suddenly soft and small, was almost drowned out by the constant rushing drone of the river. "It's frightening. Not to know what I'm getting into."
"And you've never felt that before?"
"Of course I have! That's been most of my life, it feels like." She laughed, though it was sad.
"But you got through it. You figured things out."
"I had to. And I see where you're going with this, but it's not that simple. It involves you. If I make a mistake, I could hurt you."
I reached out and touched her hand, and she didn't pull away, instead blushing more deeply, so I twined my fingers with hers. "That's alright. I think that would be much better than what we're doing now. If we keep using the excuse of not knowing what to do or not understanding how we feel, we'll never act on anything. I don't know about you, but I'm already sick of feeling so frustrated."
"True. I'd rather figure things out as we go than keep spinning around like this," she agreed slowly. "It certainly doesn't feel good."
Now or never. I had to say something. So, falteringly, I tried to parse out the tangle within myself. "I… want to learn everything about you. Well, I thought that maybe it would help to know you more before deciding how I felt or what I wanted to do, but it doesn't matter when. That's how I felt when we came out here, at least, but now I realize how unproductive that would be if I'm only using it as an excuse. Erm, when my mind is already made up, too."
"Yeah?" She breathed, almost a squeak.
I felt simultaneously hot and cold. Was this how it was supposed to be? I didn't dislike it. "It is what it is. I want to be with you." It still was, as Sumire had said, frightening. But expecting logic here clearly wasn't working and frankly made no sense. It was far better to leap in, acting against what instincts had been driven into me by harsher experiences. It was the same for her, too, I knew that. Caution had kept us both alive and safe at one point. It wasn't an easy thing to let go of, and we never would completely. But with each other… Maybe just a little bit. That would be enough.
Sumire gripped my hand tightly. "If we actually want to do this… It's going to be complicated. I don't feel safe enough yet, to change the way I'm living. Um, I'm sorry."
Meaning, she would continue acting as a man. "That's your choice."
"That might lead to misunderstandings for you. From the others."
"As if I'd care about anyone else's opinion," I said, then leaned closer to her. "So say it clearly one more time, Sumire."
"You already know how I feel…" She mumbled, eyes widening when I lifted her hand to press my lips to it.
"Even so. Tell me again."
"Are you always going to be so demanding?" She smiled gently, shyly, and I felt myself smiling too, relieved that we didn't have to dance around one another anymore.
"Probably."
"Well, in this case, I'll oblige you." She looked away, clearing her throat, then met my eyes. "If this continues, I'll probably fall in love with you. Er, if you don't mind."
And now I was the one blushing. I hadn't expected such a bold declaration, one spoken with complete seriousness to boot. "Of course I don't mind. We wouldn't be having this conversation if I minded."
She shrugged, trying to suppress a joyful grin but failing horribly. "Just making sure."
"Starting now, then. We're lovers." The word tasted strange and unfamiliar but not altogether unpleasant.
Sumire laughed, putting her free hand over her mouth. "I don't know what to do," she said, muffled. "I'm so happy. What now?"
"How would I know?"
"Hmm…" She put both arms out, tugging her hand away from mine. "Can I…?"
Someone was certainly eager. Ah, but that was alright. The hopeful look one her face was nice too. "Do whatever you want," I muttered, embarrassed now that everything was settled.
With that said, she didn't waste time in tackling me, arms winding around my back as her body pressed close. I somehow managed to stay upright, though I was close to being knocked flat. Once I caught my breath, a surprisingly peaceful and warm feeling washed over me. Sumire held tight, huddling to push her face into my neck.
"If you say that, you need to be prepared for the consequences," she teased, muffled. "I might get greedy, so just bear with me, okay? And tell me if I ever annoy you or anything gets to be too much."
"It's all fine. Go ahead and give me your worst along with your best," I replied quietly, somehow awestruck by how aware of her I was. Her breath on my neck, how her tightly curled fingers pressed into my back, the warmth and weight of her. I drew my arms tightly around her, surprised at how small she actually was. Lithe and strong, yes, but even so. She was still a woman. Beneath that disguise, there was a feminine body. A body that someday, maybe I'd…
Okay, time to stop.
"Up, up," I urged, easing Sumire away. "Get off."
"Too much too soon?" She asked nervously, putting her hands to her crimson cheeks.
On the contrary… "Not exactly." I frowned, trying to glance discreetly at her chest. It looked completely flat. Of course I hadn't paid attention when I'd been helping her in a medical capacity, but now I was curious. Under those wrappings and baggy clothes, what did she look like?
Naturally, she followed my gaze and crossed her arms over her chest. "Um…"
"Sorry." I stood and offered her my hand. "It's time we get back." We couldn't let ourselves be distracted from our duties. At least, not too much. Only now when the initial excitement had passed did it occur to me how potentially devastating it could be to start a romance just as war was about to come hunting us. Well, I'd simply have to not die. It was comforting to know that Sumire would stay behind safely in Nobunaga's castle with Mai when the time came.
She grasped my hand, neither of us letting go until we were in view of the town, where prying eyes always wandered. Neither of us wanted any rumors starting; we'd never hear the end of it if the likes of Masamune or Hideyoshi got word of our relationship. Not that they wouldn't figure it out eventually, but it would be nice to enjoy the peace while it lasted. Sumire didn't speak either, and I was content to continue in silence. Besides, it wasn't entirely clear whether or not she was mad at me. I'd rather ruined our first explicitly romantic moment.
Just when I was formulating an apology, she spoke. Though we were back in the relative safety of the castle's halls, empty in the coming night, she whispered.
"It's not as if I don't want those things too. But, well, that doesn't stop me from being nervous…"
Right. I'd forgotten that our entire relationship was generally out of order. Still, to be talking about this when we hadn't even gone beyond holding hands… Well, that was a thing easily rectified.
Once we reached the door to her room, Sumire turned and stood in front of it for a farewell. I deliberately chose not to think so that I wouldn't hesitate. After glancing back to make sure we were indeed alone, I seized her shoulders and advanced for a quick, rough kiss. It was only a moment, but my stomach tightened and heat washed over my body. As I stepped away, Sumire's hands curled in my scarf, loosening it from my neck as she tugged on it. It was ineffectual in drawing me back in on its own, but I got the message clearly and leaned in of my own volition.
Once, twice, our lips met in quick, tentative taps as we figured out what the best angle was, shifted closer, held tighter. My arms drew around her lower back as hers slipped around my neck, and I felt an unfamiliar and intense elation as she shuddered against me. My mind seemed to fizzle out, and there was only sensation, the body of a person dear to me so close it felt as if there was no way for us to untangle.
But untangle we did as Sumire broke away with a gasp, though she kept her arms around me. "I, I ran, ran out of breath," she panted.
"That's why you breathe through your nose." I said it as if it was obvious, but the truth was that I'd held my breath for a few moments at the beginning too.
"Right… Of course." She looked nervous, and I couldn't help but find that cute. "Um. So, we can… er, try again? Is that okay?"
Goodness. She'd be the death of me. My heart, my pulse, all of these feelings—I'd never been in such wild flux before. "Yes. It's okay." I could imagine very few situations in which it wouldn't be.
She smiled sweetly and kissed my cheek. "Thank you. For being patient with me."
"Likewise." Resolving to be a bit gentler this time, I lifted my hands to tuck hair behind her ears and cup her cheeks. She closed her eyes and tilted her chin up, and, for one last time that night, our lips met and an ever-shifting, passionate flow moved between us.
When we pulled away from one another, Sumire snuck a quick kiss to my cheek. "Goodnight, Ieyasu." With that, she danced into her room. The image of her eyes, bright with joy and embarrassment, lingered in my mind. I took it, and her, with me and remained locked in a blissful daze for the rest of the night.
*Sumire Shinanoki*
Just as I was about to knock on the adjacent wall between Mai's room and mine to see if she was awake so we could squeal and gossip together, a different, insistent rapping on my door sounded. My chest leaped and squeezed, and I threw the door open expecting Ieyasu to be there.
"That sure was a long farewell," Mitushide purred. "I had to wait quite a while."
I slammed the door shut and leaned against it. Some time passed before a series of polite knocks reverberated against my back.
"Botan, my dear. I'm just here to leave a quick message, but I'd like to say it to your face."
Eyes narrowed, I opened the door just slightly and peeked out from a narrow slit. "Why is it that you always seem to come along at the moments when I'm the happiest and rain on them?"
"You may feel free to consider it my life's purpose."
"So? What can I do for you?"
"You have four remaining favors to do for me. You'll complete one of them tomorrow."
"Oh." I eased out to stand with him in the hallway. "Alright. What is it?"
Without warning, he seized my previously injured arm and pulled on it, hard. I swung towards his head on reflex, uncurling my hand from a fist to make an open palm at the last second before I smacked him.
Mitsuhide smiled. "Good. Your arm seems to be feeling better."
"You could have just asked me how it felt!" I barked, pinching his cheek and tugging on it hard.
"Just making sure," he said breezily. "But as to your mission, now. There's a band of ronin that's been preying on merchants travelling to Azuchi for safety. To assure any incoming traders that the area is indeed secure, we'd like these ronin dealt with. I've ascertained the location of their hideout already. All I need you to do is remove them."
"No survivors, I take it?"
"Ideally not. They certainly have shown no mercy to the people they preyed on." He passed me a slip of paper with a neatly drawn diagram of where the hideout could be found in the woods near Azuchi.
"Understood. I'll take care of it."
"Not to worry, my dear. You won't be alone."
"Why, Mitsuhide! Are you volunteering to come along?"
"No, no. I've other things to do. Masamune, however, was very keen on getting the opportunity to, well, do as Masamune does."
Masamune, eh? I'd work hard, then, to prove to him that his effort in training me wasn't wasted. "Alright. The two of us can meet tomorrow to discuss our methods before we go."
"I think you'll find that Masamune only has one method. But have fun." Mitsuhide turned away, lifting a hand in farewell. "By the way," he added, "you and Ieyasu make a handsome couple."
"Thanks," I mumbled, and he laughed, glee echoing back to compound my embarrassment. Mitushide was like some omnipotent god, always knowing the best and worst times to come around. Best for him, worst for me, of course.
With a sigh, I knocked lightly on Mai's door. It wasn't too late, so I hadn't figured she would be asleep. Still, it came as a shock when she threw the door open and pulled me inside.
"Tell me everything!" She demanded immediately. "Also, would you like some tea?"
"No, it's fine." While it had momentarily abated with Mitushide's intrusion and with thoughts of the next assignment taking up space in my head, all of the joy of the reality that I, of all people, was now in a relationship came rushing back. A big, goofy grin spread across my face, and Mai threw her arms up in victory.
"Yes!" She cried. "You tamed the porcupine! The world thought it could never be done, but here we are!"
"Thank you, thank you." I put on a solemn face. "It was a long, arduous battle." Not really, but it was fun to play into her dramatization.
"I'm being serious, though. Of everyone here, Ieyasu was the absolute last person I would have pegged to fall in love. Aside from Mitsuhide, but he's barely an actual human being, so he doesn't count."
"True," I laughed. "But it's strange to think about. I feel like we were just together in the right place at the right time. That, if there were a different version of how things played out, maybe everything would be different."
"I feel like that sometimes too. Like, what if I hadn't come to this time period? If I hadn't been where I was that day, I'd have never experienced this adventure. I'd have never met Nobunaga, and Sasuke would have never met Yukimura…" She sighed. "Like here was hard at first, but I'm glad I'm here. Do you feel the same, Sumire?"
"I do. Part of me would trade anything to have my previous life back, but, since that's impossible… I'm happy."
Mai sighed. "It's not like I don't think about my family and friends and how much they must miss me. How worried they must be. But this adventure I'm on and the life I've built for myself is a once in a lifetime chance. The fact that I, of all people, am here, means something. I love everyone I've left behind, but I love everyone here just as much. This is the life I've chosen." She paused. "I know how that must sound to you."
I shook my head and smiled. "You have the right to choose how you want to live. I'm not going to begrudge you for what you've left behind. You must love Nobunaga and everyone else very much to have decided with such clear conviction."
"I do! I love them more than anything. I've decided to stay in this time period, no matter how many chances I get to go back."
"I'm not… in love. Yet," I said hesitantly. "I don't know if my feelings will change when I do. I just don't know. I just… I want…"
"Closure," Mai said gently. "And that's okay. But my advice, if it's okay for me to butt in to your business, would be to not let that get in the way of you trying to build your life and find happiness. There won't be anything left to live for after you do get that closure otherwise."
I smiled gratefully as she rubbed my arm comfortingly. "Thank you." I didn't know where my future with Ieyasu was going to go. I didn't know if the answers to what had happened in my past were going to help or heal me. But, for the first time in a while, I felt like I was really, truly… living.
