Before Rose
-NobleWriterofWho
Author's Note: Back at it again! The truth comes out finally! How is everyone going to cope? Warning: still rough read cautiously.
Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who.
…...
Chapter 7: Disbelief
"I know it was devastating to higher species. It raged across all of space and time. The fighting was everywhere. Then one day it wasn't. It was over. I don't have all the information but…you have no idea how many of our patients are here because of what they witnessed." She shook her head. "What did you see?"
He laughed. He couldn't help it. It was just so funny. She thought he was just another lost soul that had got caught up in the chaos. He was the chaos. He was the destroyer of worlds. "What didn't I see? I was there for all of it. Well, not the beginning, I tried so hard to outrun it. I failed."
"How could you have-didn't it last around 400 years?" she asked.
"Yes and no. In a linear sense, yes, but it wasn't linear. It was an abomination of time. Happening and happenings. Even for my people, keeping it all straight was impossible. It felt like an eternity. It felt like it would never end," he said, staring at the floor.
It was becoming more and more difficult to focus. His mind was wandering. It was like talking about it would take him back there. He couldn't go back. He curled his fists squeezing so tight they turned white. But wasn't that what he deserved? He needed to keep going. He had to tell Cara. He needed to be punished.
"Doctor, I know this is difficult. You don't have to keep going. We can pick up here another time-"
"No!" he screamed, then softer, "you need to know. Someone needs to know."
She nodded, scribbling something down in her notebook.
He took a deep breath. "I did a lot of terrible things throughout the war. I'm not denying that it changed me. I was a different man by the end of it, but it was still nothing compared to what was to come. I thought the stalemate would last forever. No one could win. But in the final days, the war started to turn. They invaded Gallifrey. Arcadia fell. Children were screaming and burning. I couldn't save them."
"Gods." Cara's eyes were glassy.
He rubbed furiously at his. He didn't have the right to cry. He wasn't the victim. He was a murderer. A mass murderer.
"Let's make sure we are on the same page," she said. "Last Great Time War in its final days. Dalek invasion of the Time Lord's homeworld Gallifrey. You were there. You were a warrior?"
"Yes, I was. I'd been fighting for a long time. I had to put an end to it. No more. No more." Those words unlike the rest bring him to a grinding halt. No more. His hearts are beating out of his chest. If he doesn't start breathing normally soon his respiratory bypass will kick in. He is a coward. Rassilon, so close to the end and he can't finish. He remembers the smell. The smoke. It had been so hard to breathe. Yet he had. He was still breathing; none of them ever would again. This didn't feel like life. Was he really alive? Was he just a husk remembering what life had felt like?
"Doctor, you are dissociating. Can you tell me where you are?"
"Yaran Heights."
"Good. Name five things you see."
He blinks. "You, the wall, the bed, the monitors, the tile."
"Five things you hear."
"You, the heating, Ms. Walterbury in 205, the monitors, birds." His hearts are slowing back down. He's here. He's not there. He's safe. He shouldn't be but he is.
She tilts her head. "You can hear birds?"
"They're outside. I have fantastic hearing," he said cheekily.
"Do you remember what we were talking about?" she asked.
He nodded.
"Do you know what caused that?"
"It doesn't matter. I want to keep going." He was breaking down. He might even be going crazy. It didn't matter. He had to finish this. "I-"
She held up a hand. "It does matter. We can continue though if you are ready."
"I had to end it. I had to. I stole the Moment. It was a galaxy eater; the most dangerous and powerful weapon in all of creation. And I used it. I stopped the Daleks. I sacrificed my own people in the process. I wasn't supposed to survive. I was going to die with them, but it went wrong. The TARDIS saved me and I regenerated. So I'm still alive. She won't let me die. I killed all her sisters, and she won't let me die!"
"Whose sisters?"
He sighed. "The TARDIS's. The other ships like her. She's the only one left in the universe."
Cara nodded. She was writing in her notebook. She looked rather calm. Her ears drooped but other than that she was tranquil. Had she not heard anything he'd just said?
Was he being too vague? He didn't want to go into further detail, but he would if he had to.
"Are you listening to me?" he asked.
"Yes, of course. I'm trying to make sure I get all of this down for future sessions," she said.
"Future sessions?"
"Yes, we are far from done. I'm proud of the progress you have made today, but there is a long way to go. You need to process these emotions and uh-memories," she said trailing off. Suddenly, it all made sense.
"You don't believe me!"
"I-it's not that simple. You are very sick. There is so much trauma you've experienced. When the mind is under intense duress memory distortion, even false memories can occur. This explains-"
"I'm a Time Lord! I know my own mind, I know what I lived through," he hissed, face scowling. It was insulting. He wasn't crazy! And she thought he was that far gone, he clenched his jaw.
"I need to confirm your biology. Furthermore, no one knows how the war ended. It was like they all disappeared. What I do know is the events that ended a war as large and devastating as the Time War could not have been caused by one man. Doctor, it is clear to me you have survivor's guilt. You want to blame yourself for things outside your control. You are not responsible," she soothed cupping his shoulder.
He swatted her away. "I am responsible! I burned Gallifrey. I burned the Daleks. That's why they are all gone. They didn't just disappear!" he screamed.
"Doctor…"
"I've admitted to committing genocide against my own people. You're just going to sit there and do nothing about it!"
"You want to be punished. You didn't tell me any of this because you wanted to. You just want me to hate you," she breathed.
He could see through the cracks. She was finally reacting. Genuine emotion showing through her calm facade. She was horrified. She was horrified by the wrong thing.
"Now that you know I'm a war criminal you have to turn me in. I'm a danger to this facility," he said. "It's your duty."
She laughed. "My duty! I'm a doctor here to help you. You are a danger to no one but yourself."
He shook his head violently. His whole body was tense. "Cara-"
"Alright, let's pretend I believe you. Who do I turn you into? If all the Time Lord's and other authorities are gone. Who has jurisdiction?"
The words were a slap to the face. He shuddered realizing she was right. "No one." He was alone. He was so alone he couldn't even be punished because no one remembered his crimes. No one alive anyway. They were all dead. "Which is why I've been trying to do it myself."
"Doctor, look at me." His gaze snapped to her. 'I will not execute you. Even if everything you have told me today is true. You will not die here."
