Malcolm lay stunned in the middle of the road. He wasn't sure what had just happened but he knew he'd been talking to someone. He tried to look around, but his vision was blurred. A sizeable crowd of pedestrians had gathered to see what had happened, so he tried to pull himself to at least a sitting up position.

"Jesus Christ, Malcolm!" Jamie MacDonald.

That's right. Malcolm remembered. He'd been walking with Jamie. And he'd been in the middle of bollocking the Shadow Brexit Secretary on the phone.

Jamie was knelt down beside him in the road. "Haly motherfuck, are ye awrecht?"

"Am A awrecht'?" Malcolm asked. "O coorse A'm awrecht, whitfor wud A na be awrecht?"

"You were just hit by a car, mate." Jamie said, slipping back into English.

"A wiz?" Malcolm frowned, having no memory of this. He didn't feel any pain anywhere, yet Jamie had no reason to be lying, after all Malcolm was the one lying in the middle of the road. On... The Mall. Yes, his vision was coming back into focus now. And so were his thoughts. People. A crowd of people.

Malcolm put his hand on his knee and tried to pull himself up, but failed. "Whit...?"

"Don't try and get up, Malc, you might be hurt-"

"I'm fine, Jamie." Malcolm insisted. "Just help me up."

Jamie sighed and stood up, pulling Malcolm to his feet. "You uh... is your arm supposed to look like that?"

"I'm fine, Jamie." Malcolm insisted. He bent down to pick up his phone and walked, limped, out of the road. "Nothing to see here folks! Disperse!" He shouted to the gathered crowds. He looked over to the driver of the car that had hit him.

"Malcolm, you dare-"

"Hey!" Malcolm knocked on the window of the car. "Give me that phone."

"Uh..."

"Give it to me or I will ram it where the sun doesn't shine-"

Jamie grabbed Malcolm's arm. "Malc! Stop it! You're acting more erratic than usual-what the fuck's got into you?"

Malcolm turned and glared at Jamie.

"That move won't work on me, mate."

Malcolm turned back to the driver. "If you call the cops or an ambulance or the AA, I swear it'll be the LAST mistake you'll ever make. Now drive."

"Don't drive, stay there." Jamie said. "Malcolm." He pulled Malcolm to the wall. "Jesus Christ I think your shoulder's dislocated."

"It's not. I'm fine." Malcolm lied. He was starting to feel a horrible burning pain at the top of his arm. "Let's just go to headquarters, yeah?"

"I think the Leader's gonna send you to a hospital if he sees the state o you."

"Fuck him. I'm a big boy now. He's my boss, not my father." Malcolm took a step forward, but his knee almost buckled under him.

"Jesus." Jamie muttered, lunging forward to catch his friend.

"I'm fine, Jamie." Malcolm said, a little bit more aggressively. "I mean I just got hit by a fucking car so I'm hardly getting on a Boris Bike any time soon, but I'm not... a dead man walking."

"Mate, I'm taking you to casualty." Jamie said. "I'm not having you slipping into a fuckin coma gone brain dead on a life support machine and being fed through a tube."

"That'd be a great time actually." Malcolm said. "Finally get some peace rather than constantly being on my guard."

"Where's the nearest?"

"St Thomas's. Through uh... there," Malcolm pointed to St James's Park, "and uh... past the bridge-y thing." He couldn't think properly-the pain in his arm was much worse and had spread across his shoulder, chest and neck. It was overtaking all of his thoughts and all he could focus on was the pain.

"You're not making sense." Jamie said.

"No. I-I am." Malcolm insisted. "I know it."

"Your eyes are glazed over. I'm calling an ambulance." Jamie said, pulling his phone from his jacket pocket. He hit the numbers 999 and put his phone to his ear. "I need an ambulance please."

"Jamie, no, please don't do this." Malcolm practically begged, but was interrupted by Jamie putting his finger up to stop him.

"Hello, yes. I was just walking down the street with my friend. He was hit by a car." Jamie lowered his hand and looked over at Malcolm. "He's acting funny and his eyes are like... glassy. I think he might have broken his arm. Maybe his neck too, he's holding that funny." He paused to listen to the operator. "Erm... We're on The Mall right now. Up at the Trafalgar Square end, by the ICA-Malcolm!"

Malcolm had collapsed back on the ground, causing more people to look-some were in the earlier crowd.

"Jesus, why do you do this to me?" Jamie muttered, kneeling down to him. "No, I-he just... he just collapsed. Fell down to the ground. Er... no, I don't-his eyes aren't open. I don't think he's conscious. It happened earlier too." He put his fingers on Malcolm's neck to check for a pulse. "Yeah, there's a heartbeat. It's very fast-should it be fast? Oh-okay." He then put ear to Malcolm's chest to check for breathing. "Definitely breathing. I think he just... fainted."


The Leader of the Opposition, was still in his house, getting ready to leave for work that morning. His phone kept ringing, but each time, it was his Shadow Home Secretary, so he sent it to voicemail while he piled up his papers and shooed away his pet cat until he couldn't ignore the calls anymore.

"Hello."

"Thank god you answered this time." The Shadow Home Secretary said.

"Something wrong?" He asked.

"Tucker-Malcolm Tucker, your senior press guy-he's just had an accident."

"What kind of accident?"

"A pretty serious one." She said. "According to Jamie MacDonald, he was hit by a car, he's out cold and they're waiting an ambulance."

He leaned up against the wall and put his head in his hand. He needed his spin doctor. Yes, he was aggressive and sweary and lots of other things, but he couldn't afford to lose him. Not right now. Not as the Opposition were about to take on the Prime Minister.

"Are you still there?"

"I'm here, yes." He said. "What happens now?"

"You've got Jamie and your other advisors. Oh and the press are probably going to hound you about that, so good luck."


"Morning." The Home Secretary greeted, walking into his office at Number 10. "Heard the news?"

"What news?" The PM asked. "Your tough on crime news?"

"No." She said. "Well that too." She leaned towards him. "It's Malcolm Tucker. There's been an accident."

The PM's eyes widened. "You're shitting me."

"I am not." She said.

"Oh, don't tell me he's finally had that massive aneurysm he's been working towards? Those bulging veins in his head he gets when he shouts, they've finally burst and killed him, right?" He asked.

"You're the Prime Minister, you should be checking the news."

The PM picked up his phone and unlocked it to check the news app.

"He was hit by a car-parts of The Mall are cordoned off." She said. "What do I say about that if the BBC ask? 'We can't rule out terrorism as a motivation'?"

"Christ." He slammed his phone on his desk. "This is going to be top news all day, not your crime policy."

"Why'd you think I'm here?" She asked. "Get your press people and spin doctor onto it."

"Oh and how the hell do they spin this?" He asked.

"I don't know, but I'm not a press person nor am I your spin doctor. What I am is the Secretary of State for the Home Department," she began, "and I have a policy coming out about prisons today so that should be top news and not... not the Opposition's top bloody press man being in a coma or whatever-and even if he dies from this, I want my prisons policy to be top news."

"I'd love nothing more than that too." The PM said. "We're the ones in government. I'm the Prime Minister now. I run the country. It should be us in the news and not the Opposition."

"Get your press people onto this." She said.

He picked up his phone. "Right on it."


Jamie entered St Thomas's hospital out of breath and stopped at the A&E reception. "I need to-I need... fuck me. I need to see... Malcolm Tucker." He said, panting heavily.

The receptionist frowned as if she recognised the name, which she probably did, and tapped something into her computer. Leaving Jamie to catch his breath at the counter, she turned to one of her colleagues.

"You don't know if we have a Malcolm Tucker in, do you?"

"Like the politician?" The other woman asked.

"I think he means the politician."

"There's a Tucker outside of resus. Not sure if it's the same one or even if they have the same first name. If that helps."

"Yeah, it's the same one." A porter said as he passed. "Malcolm Tucker, the politician guy. Hit by a car-saw it on the news when I passed by the waiting area."

The first woman turned back to Jamie. "You'll find him outside resus."

"Er... where's that?" Jamie asked.

"I can take you." The porter said. "Come on."

Jamie followed the other man down the corridor.

"So how'd you know this politician guy?"

"Oh uh, we work together." Jamie answered. "For uh... the Leader of the Opposition."

"So you're a politician guy too?"

"... yes." Jamie said. "Except neither of us are politicians. We just work in politics."

The two walked in silence as they turned a corner and walked down another corridor.

"Alright, resus is just around the corner. Good luck."

"Thank you." Jamie said. He hurried down the corridor and turned the corner to see a doctor and a nurse standing by a gurney outside. The man on the gurney was Malcolm, still in his suit, but strapped up and immobilised with a spinal board, a neck brace and head blocks, looking rather pitiful.

"Malcolm! Thank god I found you." Jamie stopped at Malcolm's side. "You look like shit." He said, noting the visible bruising and grazing on Malcolm's face.

"I've been hit by a car, Jamie." Malcolm said. "I'm flat on my back here because you said I broke my neck."

"Well, you might have." Jamie argued. "I'm not gettin into that right now but, well... look, it's all over the fuckin' news that you're hurt."

"No doubt the Government are fucking... celebrating, yes?" Malcolm asked.

"Na, they're Twittering what a great bloke ye are." Jamie held his phone over Malcolm's head and scrolled through them. "Even after ye threatened to flay their skin off."

"Insulting someone while they're in the hospital is never a good move." Malcolm pointed out. A pained expression passed across his face.

"Somethin wrong, Malc?"

"Besides the pain?"

Jamie opened his mouth to answer, but through the resus doors came another person on a gurney alongside a doctor.

Malcolm's doctor had a message on his pager and looked at it. "Alright, Mr Tucker, we're bringing you through now."

"Help me, Jamie." Malcolm said as he was pushed through the resus doors.

"I can't." Jamie said, mostly to himself, as Malcolm was taken out of view.


The Leader of the Opposition was in a meeting with his Shadow Home Secretary and his Shadow Culture Secretary (and deputy leader of the Opposition) when his phone started ringing.

"You should get that." The Shadow Home Secretary said.

"Yes." The Leader nodded and answered his phone. "Hello? Oh Jamie, yes. How's Malcolm?" He nodded again as he listened. "That bad?"

"What's happening?" The Deputy Leader asked.

He put his finger over the receiver. "Jamie's over at St Thomas's and they're treating Malcolm for spinal injuries."

"Spinal injuries?" The Shadow Home Secretary muttered.

"I'm sorry, Jamie, I didn't quite-could you repeat that?" He asked. "Oh. Oh. Oh no. Is he going to be okay? Come back here and make sure it stays out of the hands of the press then. Alright. See you in half an hour."

"Tucker's in a coma, is he?" The Deputy Leader asked.

"No, the BBC are at the hospital." The Leader said.

"Christ, that's not good." The Shadow Home Secretary said.

"I think we should wait for Jamie to come back and then draft a statement." The Leader said. "After all, he knows better than us Malcolm's condition."

She nodded. "Yes, you're right. Focus on the Government first. Then Malcolm."

"And back to Brexit." The Deputy Leader said. "We're still going to go ahead with the plan, right?"

"Of course. It has to be done." The Leader said. "You know we'll have to look into the legalities of what we're about to do."

"Of course." The Deputy Leader said.

"Look for any loophole, any archaic law. Anything. Brexit must be stopped at all costs." The Leader said.


As soon as Jamie stepped outside the hospital, the media frenzy started.

"Mr MacDonald! Mr MacDonald!"

"-Malcolm Tucker-"

"-you were there-"

"-hit by a car-"

"-potential spinal injuries-"

"-comatose-"

"-surgery-"

"-broken bones-"

The overlapping voices became too much for Jamie, who pushed through the crowd of journalists with their microphones and notepads, trying to get information out of him. Ghouls. The lot of them.

Jamie grit his teeth and balled his fists, not realising he was doing so. "No comment." He said, sounding more angry than he'd liked to, but again, he didn't realise what he was doing.

"I've got nothing to say. No comment. Let me through."

"But Malcolm Tucker's unconscious-"

"I'm just trying to get to my Uber so I can get to work."

"Mr MacDonald!"

"Malcolm Tucker-"

"-he deserves-"

"-is he dying?"

"Oh just get out of my way, you useless wankers!" Jamie physically pushed a BBC news camera out of his face, knocking it down to the ground.

Jamie slipped into the back seat of his Uber and shut the door after him. "Parasites." He said, noting the reporters still harassing him out the window.

"You're going to-"

"Hang on a minute." Jamie said. He pushed a button that lowered the rear window.

"Mr MacDonald! Have you got anything to say about Malcolm Tucker's hospitalisation-it's known to Sky News that the two of you are friends-"

"Oh go and harass Eddie Redmayne on the Tube-I hear he's at Cockfosters today."

"Mr MacDonald, what about-"

Jamie flicked the overzealous Sky reporter a V sign.

"Okay. Now drive." He said, closing the window.


Some time later, Jamie arrived at headquarters and walked into the meeting room. He was trying to hold himself together with his worry because he had to focus on his job.

"Jamie." The Shadow Home Secretary greeted.

"If anything happens to Malc, his sister's gonna call me." Jamie said. "So what's happening here?"

"We were just making a plan to stop a no-deal Brexit." The Leader said. "We can make a statement about Malcolm and get back to these plans later."

"What would you even say in that statement?" Jamie asked.

"You're the senior media advisor." The Shadow Home Secretary said.

"Oh shit I am." Jamie exclaimed. "Alright." He took a seat at the table. "Well," he picked up a notepad and a pen, "we should start with the basics. Malcolm Tucker was hit by a car on The Mall. He hit his head... and was knocked out-briefly." He scribbled down in journalist shorthand. "He got up and walked around for a bit before acting erratically and falling down unconscious again. An ambulance was called, so was the police. The driver, as far as I know, is being questioned by police, who have appealed for witnesses."

"I though you were a witness?" The Leader asked.

"Yeah, and I'll have to talk to the police later." Jamie said. "Alright, the paramedics arrived. Malcolm was awake by then. The blue lights were called and another ambulance came and took Malcolm to St Thomas's Hospital, where he is being treated for a head injury and a potential spinal injury."

"Alright." The Leader nodded. "Draft that statement."

"Aye." Jamie said. He stood up and took the notepad and walked out of the room.


"That's great. Thanks." Jamie said. He was standing outside the now-vacant Palace of Westminster. The press were gathered in front of him and the Leader of the Opposition was about to make a statement to them. He hung up his phone.

"What's great?" The Leader asked, adjusting his tie as he passed.

"Malcolm's just had some x-rays taken. He's doing fine." Jamie said.

"That is great." He said.

"Here's your statement." Jamie handed a paper over to the Leader.

He took looked at the paper and nodded. "Alright. Thank you." He walked to a lectern that had been set up previously.

Jamie stayed at the side and put his hand in his pockets.

"Good afternoon." The Leader of the Opposition said. "I'm sure you know why you're all assembled here. Our Director Of Communications, Malcolm Tucker, was hit by a car earlier today on The Mall. The investigation is ongoing and police have appealed for witnesses. I would like to echo this and say that if anyone witnessed what happened, please come forward to the police. Malcolm Tucker is currently being treated in hospital for a head injury and spinal injuries and will be unable to carry out his duties. Jamie MacDonald will be our Director Of Communications until further notice."

From the sidelines, Jamie's eyes widened. He took one of his hands from his pocket and ran it through his hair. Of all the things, he hadn't expected the Leader of the Opposition to say that.

He carried on watching from the sidelines, but knew that some cameras had turned to him.

"Erm..." Jamie walked over to the lectern, "I will carry this duty out to the best of my ability." Jamie said. "Until Malcolm Tucker recovers. This is a temporary thing. Wouldn't... wouldn't want to put my friend out of a job."

"Mr MacDonald!"

Jamie raised his hands. "No questions." He walked away from the lectern.

The Leader stepped to the microphone. "You'll have to excuse Jamie, he's had a long day."


"Bloody hell." The PM exclaimed. He was in his office in Number 10 with the Home Secretary and they were both watching the news on the TV. "The Leader of the Opposition making a statement. Your prisons policy's going to be bumped down the news for this."

"Then get the press here and I'll make a statement." She said. "I'll make an announcement. And I'll talk to... George Alagiah If I have to."

"Doesn't he host the News at Six?" The PM asked.

"Huw Edwards?" She asked.

"Simon McCoy." He said. "He hosts the afternoon slot."

"How do you know this?"

"I watch the news." The PM replied. "Also Google."

"Malcolm Tucker could be comatose on a life support machine for all I care. My prisons policy will be the top headline. Then it'll be protests in Hong Kong. Then it'll be horoscopes or some crap. And then, way down at the very bottom, it'll be Malcolm Tucker." She said. "I want to speak with Simon McCoy and I want to do it ASAP."

"I'll get my press guys right on it." He said.


After delivering the statement, both Jamie and the Leader of the Opposition headed back to headquarters in silence. Once there, the Leader was about to go to the meeting room, but was stopped when Jamie started speaking.

"You really want me to take over Malcolm's job?"

"Well, yes." The Leader said. "I can't think of anyone more qualified-"

"You have plenty of people who are more qualified." Jamie said.

"Yes, I suppose. But you've known Malcolm an extraordinarily long time." He explained. "You've worked together in Westminster for years and before that, you used to work on the same Scottish broadsheet."

"There's lots of things I don't know about Malcolm." Jamie said. "I don't know anything about his private life."

"But you know how to do his job, don't you?" He asked.

"Yeah." Jamie said.

"I'm not asking you to replace him in every aspect of his life, just his job. Temporarily. While he's incapacitated in the hospital."

Jamie nodded. "Yeah. Course."

"Alright." The Leader said as opened the door to the meeting room. "Are you coming in?"

"Er..."

"You should be here, but you don't have to be." He said. "We're just having a small meeting about Brexit."

"Shouldn't the Shadow Brexit Secretary be here too?" Jamie asked. "I mean, if it's abour Brexit-"

"He knows what we're doing."

Jamie nodded and walked into the meeting room after the Leader. "Aye." He said.

"You seen this?" The Deputy Leader asked. He turned the telly up. "The Home Secretary. She's giving an exclusive interview to Simon McCoy."

"What about?" Jamie asked. "Not her awful 'tough on crime' stance?"

"Exactly that." The Shadow Home Secretary said.

"Sometimes I think the Government just can't stand to see another person making the headlines," Jamie said, "even if it is because that person's been fuckin horribly injured. They're selfish, evil bastards who dinnae care aboot na ane but themselves." He cleared his throat, not really meaning to have that outburst. It was hardly his first outburst. He was practically an outburst veteran. But he had just had a temporary promotion and he wanted to make a good impression.

"Yes. Well, it is our aim to make a Britain that's for the many, not the few." The Leader said.

"Let's just watch the rest of this." The Deputy Leader suggested, pointing at the telly with the remote.


It was a few hours later when door to the meeting room opened and in walked, limped, Malcolm Tucker, wearing his suit jacket draped over his shoulders because his right arm was resting at his side in a sling.

"Malcolm, I was so worried about you today." The Leader said, partly in shock because the last person he expected to walk through the door. "It's so good to see you up and about."

Malcolm pointed at Jamie. "You. I fucking..." He took a deep breath to compose himself. "The reason my neck was looking funny was because my shoulder was dislocated and my collarbone is broken."

"Ouch."

"I was holding it that way to compensate and you just... fucking wasted NHS resources."

"Haud yer whisht!" Jamie exclaimed. "Your neck could have been broken." He argued. "You would have been bollocking me if you were fucking fully paralysed so don't start that with me."

Malcolm sighed and shed his coat. "You're right. I'm sorry. You're right."

"How are you feeling?" The Shadow Home Secretary asked.

"My shoulder hurts." Malcolm said. "Like a lot. You have no idea how bad it is."

"He fainted from the pain earlier." Jamie said.

"Oh, let's see you get hit by a fucking car and not faint afterwards." Malcolm said.

"So what's the damage?" The Leader asked. "Is it just the shoulder-?"

"Dislocated shoulder, broken collarbone, sprained ankle, bruised ribs, concussion, whiplash, some bruises, cuts and a bit of road rash." Malcolm listed.

"Sounds painful." The Shadow Home Secretary said.

"Aye. I'll be back in work tomorrow though-"

"No you won't." The Leader said. "You were just hit by a car. You have a concussion. I want you to take at least a week off. Meaning I don't want to see you here until at least the twelfth."

Malcolm opened his mouth to say something.

"No arguing your way out of this one. Please." The Leader said.

Malcolm pulled a chair and sat down at the table. "But Brexit-"

"We can manage without ye, Malc." Jamie said. "Just take this time and get better. Ye'd do a better job against the PM when your mind's not clouded by painkillers."

"You should go home." The Leader said gently. "We have it all under control here."

"If you don't?" Malcolm asked.

"We can handle it." He said.

"What is your Brexit plan?" Malcolm asked.

"Oh we're going to write to every other Party leader and we're going to ask them to join us in meetings to stop the PM from forcing through a no-deal Brexit." The Deputy Leader said.

"Aye." Malcolm nodded absently. "Good plan."

"It's our only plan." The Shadow Home Secretary said. "If this doesn't work or if the PM prorogues Parliament, I don't know what we're going to do."

"The PM said he won't prorogue Parliament though." Jamie said.

"When have you ever known anyone in his Party to either tell the truth or not do a complete 180 on what they say?" Malcolm said. "Remember..." he tapped on the table with his finger as he tried to remember. "Remember the old PM. She said she wasn't going to call a snap election and then she did not one week later. This PM isn't different. Plan for him proroguing Parliament. Because if I were him, I'd do the same thing."

"Are you sure?" The Leader asked.

"Positive." Malcolm stood up. "I'm going to call an Uber."


A/N: Yes, this is the event that happened in the last chapter. The Opposition communications director who was hit by a car? Malcolm Tucker.

And how did Malcolm get hit by the car anyway? Well, he was shouting at someone on the phone and didn't look both ways before crossing. Here in the UK, 'jaywalking' isn't a thing. Provided you look both ways, you can cross anywhere you like on any road you like, though it's safer to use either a Zebra, a Pelican, a Puffin, a Pegasus or a Toucan Crossing.

The Shadow Brexit Secretary is a thinly veiled Keir Starmer.

Malcolm and Jamie are speaking to each other in Scots. Since it's highly spoken in Glasgow (where Malcolm's from) and Motherwell (where Jamie's from), and since they do let some Scots out every now and then on the show, I can't imagine they don't speak it to each other outside work. That said, I don't speak Scots very well.

The Mall is the red road from Trafalgar Square to Buckingham Palace. Pall Mall is not the same thing and is located the other side.

AA=Automobile Association. You call them when you break down. Or Green Flag. Or the RAC, but AA is the most famous.

Boris Bike... it's easier for you just to google that.

Casualty=Accident and Emergency.

ICA=Institute Of Contemporary Arts. It's an art museum.

The Leader of the Opposition is a thinly veiled Jeremy Corbyn right down to the pet cat. Also, re: the Opposition, largest party that isn't in power is officially the Opposition.

The Shadow Home Secretary is a thinly veiled Diane Abbott.

Number 10 isn't referred to as 10 Downing Street or Number 10 Downing Street, it's generally just Number 10.

Resus=Resuscitation Room. Where the most seriously ill and injured go.

The Deputy Leader of The Opposition is thinly veiled Tom Watson, also the Deputy Leader of the Opposition and he is also the Shadow Culture Secretary.

Eddie Redmayne frequently rides the Tube.

Cockfosters is a real place. But Jamie wasn't referring to the place.

The V Sign is the British Finger.

Journalist shorthand is a weird alphabet that looks like a whole other language. And according to The Missing DoSAC files, Jamie used to be a journalist, so he would know it.

George Alagiah is a BBC newsreader, his slot is at 6pm.

Huw (pronounced Heew) Edwards is another BBC newsreader, his slot is at 5pm.

Simon McCoy is yet another BBC newsreader and his slot is from 2pm to 5pm.

Newsreader=anchor.

Jamie slipping in and out of Scots because that's what it's like for us bilingual folks sometimes.

'A Britain for the many and not the few' is Jeremy Corbyn's campaign slogan. Like I said, the Leader of the Opposition is a thinly veiled Jeremy Corbyn.

And Malcolm's just fine! Why? I thought it was funny that he just fell on his outstretched hand and his shoulder popped out of place and his collarbone snapped. So everyone goes through all that worry for nothing. He's actually just fine.

Yes, Malcolm is right. The PM (who is a thinly veiled Boris Johnson), just like Boris Johnson promised he wouldn't prorogue Parliament. And what's he done? He's prorogued Parliament. Basically, our actual Prime Minister is an unelected leader who's gone to an unelected royal to stop democratically elected politicians from doing their jobs (representing the public) for a month so he can force through his no-deal Brexit, and he's claiming it's in the name of democracy. If you want to know more... Google it. But he's basically a dictator now.