This chapter is told from Lilith's perspective, and I hope I did okay. It's been a while since I was a ten-year-old, and even if I wanted her to be a little wise beyond her years, I still wanted her to act like a child.
There's also a small scene of child abuse at the beginning of the chapter. I tried to make it as brief as possible, but I hope it's not too bad. There will be many places in the story where I had to take creative license without taking away from the time period.
Also, of course, because I'm old school, I don't own Vikings. You should know this. Please keep reading!
Defiant
Lilith could hear Father Cuthbert yelling for her above the wind as it howled around the eave of the roof, and she knew she was in trouble. The sea was in turmoil today, signaling a storm on the horizon, and that usually meant she had to close all the window sills and make sure the gutters were clean. He was always giving her disgusting things to do, and she never liked doing them.
"Lilith Incarnatus! Get out here this very instant! Don't make me get the whip on you, girl!"
Lilith Incarnatus. Like an insult. Like she was a demon for making him look for her. She huffed, rising and walking off in the opposite direction so she could ease around to the front walkway like she had been there the whole time. Athelstan always liked when she played jokes like this on him. Father Cuthbert, not so much.
The abbot was out of breath when he came back around the corner, huffing and then glaring when he saw her there. Though he'd been old when she was a baby, he was even older now and therefore always cross with her when she did what she wanted. He'd already taken a paddle to her, and she was sure the next time would be worse.
"Oh, you little devil," he cursed. "I ought to whip you until you can't sit down. Get inside now. Before I decide to make you miss your supper."
"I'm not a little devil," she countered as he grabbed her arm to pull her inside. "Athelstan always says I'm more innocent than any of you."
He yanked on her arm, dragging her along until they were in his study. "That boy has completely spoiled you," he complained. "Believe me, I'll be doing something about that when he returns. Not enough discipline for you, not nearly enough!"
Pushing her into the chair in front of his desk, he opened the drawer on the left of his prayer podium and took out the razor he only used once a year. He stepped toward her and strapped both her arms down, warning her with his eyes not to fight him or it would be worse. Before the blade touched her arm, she screamed.
"Athelstan!"
Father Cuthbert glared at her, for she always invoked Athelstan's name when she defied him. He flipped her arm over so the underside showed ten identical marks in her flesh, not hesitating as he pressed the blade and drew blood.
"Athelstan!"
The blade burned as it tore through her skin and the layer underneath, sending pain through her whole arm just like every other time he'd done it.
Just as the blade withdrew, she lifted her foot and kicked him away, knowing she couldn't get out of the chair and watching him fall into his desk and curse under his breath. Without saying anything to her, he slammed the blade down and stormed out of the room. She didn't know where he was going, but it couldn't be good at all.
The entire time he was gone, she tried to pull her arm from the ropes holding her to the chair, to no avail, and when he returned with Brother Cenwar, Lilith knew she was in serious trouble.
"Athelstan can't help you, devil," Brother Cenwar spat, which was something he did often. "You can yell for him all you want. He's not coming."
So that's what she did, over and over until she was taken to her room and locked inside with two fresh wounds on her forearm to go with the ten already there.
Athelstan wasn't supposed to be back for another two months. These new marks would be healed by then.
She wanted him back now.
That night, she dreamed of a shadow slipping under her door and out of her room to where the others slept. It slid in and out of every dark nook and cranny of the monastery until it reached Brother Cenwar. The man only barely woke when he saw the shadow and screamed. Lilith screamed too, as loud and as long as she could until she was awakened by Father Cuthbert shaking her.
"Stop your crying, child," he commanded, holding her against him the way Athelstan always did.
She couldn't. She couldn't stop seeing the shadow. It covered everything. There was no escaping it.
The next morning, Brother Cenwar was found dead in his room, the door locked and the window latched.
The missionaries returned a month before her birthday, their heads filled with stories of their new churches and their stories sounding like the ones Lilith read in the books she kept hidden in her room. Athelstan had only amazing things to say about where they'd gone, showing her the drawings in his book he'd sketched while they had traveled.
"There weren't many people who wished to receive the word of God," he told her as they ate supper in the main hall with everyone else. "But the ones who did were astounded by our message. And the world out there is so big. I never realized how much there was to see. I can't wait to go to Paris. Brother Cenwar says the churches there are incredible. Where is he? I haven't seen him since we came back."
Lilith pushed the food around on her plate, not meeting his eyes as she spoke. "He's dead," she revealed. "And . . . I think I killed him."
He stopped eating, glancing around before he turned her to face him and lowered his voice. "Why on Earth would you say something like that?" he demanded.
"Because it's true," she cried.
He shushed her before anyone could hear her, taking her hand and pulling her out of the main hall to the chapel as it set empty.
"Tell me what happened," he commanded gently.
"I had a dream about a shadow," she began. "It was here in the monastery, and it slipped outside my room to where the others were sleeping. It hovered over him, and he screamed. And then I screamed, like I do when I have night terrors. When Brother Cenred found him the next morning, he was dead. They said it looked like he was suffocated."
Tears fell from her eyes before Lilith realized she was crying, but she wasn't sad. She hated Brother Cenwar, and he hated her. There had been no love lost with his death. No. Lilith was scared. And Athelstan could see that she was scared. He took her hands in his, kneeling in front of her so she wouldn't have to look up at him.
"Just because you had a bad dream, it doesn't mean you had anything to do with what happened," he assured her. "Everyone has bad dreams, Lili. I have bad dreams. I had quite a few of them while I was away. I was worried about you. One night, I even thought I could hear you calling for me. But that's all they are. Bad dreams. Do you understand me?"
"But what if it's true?" she begged. "What if what Brother Cenwar said was true? What if I'm evil?"
Athelstan sighed softly. "Brother Cenwar was a cruel, unkind man for treating you the way he did. What happened to him was not your doing. No matter what he said, none of it is true, all right?"
Frowning, she bowed her head and nodded. He stood up then and lifted her in his arms to carry her back to the main hall. She felt him strain a little, but he adjusted his hold on her so she wouldn't fall.
"I've only been gone for three months," he said. "How have you gotten so heavy?"
That made her laugh, and he leaned up to kiss her cheek.
They made it back to the main hall, and he looked at the brothers as they all watched him. The room was quiet for a minute before the conversations that had stopped began again, and Lilith whispered to Athelstan where no one else could hear her.
"There was something else about the dream that scared me," she said.
"And what was that?" he asked.
She hesitated, only speaking when he looked at her. "I was the shadow."
That night, Athelstan told Lilith about everything he'd seen. He showed her everything he'd drawn in his journal and new words he'd learned.
"Everything was so green and beautiful," he revealed as he turned pages in his journal. "The coastlines were so high, and the people were all dressed so colorfully. Brother Cenwulf kept saying it was ungodly to be so colorful."
Lilith snorted. "Of course he would," she laughed
"But I thought they looked amazing. I wanted to bring a dress back to you, but Brother Cenwulf said we didn't have time for that. One of these times I come back, I'll bring you something from our journeys."
She looked at him, watching his face as he still flipped through the journal. "As long as you come back in one piece, I'll be happy."
He turned his gaze to her, sighing softly and leaning forward to kiss her forehead. "All right, sweet girl. It's your bed time."
He moved to stand up, but she stopped him, gripping his arm as hard as she could.
"Athelstan, I need to tell you something. About Father Cuthbert and Brother Cenwar."
He slipped his hand into hers. "What is it?"
She opened her mouth to speak just as the door opened, allowing Father Cuthbert inside alone.
Athelstan stood up from the bed quickly, stepping at least three steps away. "Father Cuthbert. I was just putting Lili to bed."
The older man glanced in her direction, not glaring but looking at her severely before he spoke. "Yes, well, I believe she is quite old enough to do that herself. And besides that, I have made changes to your duties while you are here, and until it is time for your next mission. Starting tomorrow morning, I will expect you in the scriptorium, copying the old texts into new bindings, and I expect this will take you most of the day, as we have many texts that need to be copied."
Athelstan glanced at Lilith, quiet half a minute before he spoke. "What about Lili?" he asked.
"There are plenty of others in the monastery who will be able to look after her studies, myself included. There's no need for you to concern yourself with her well-being when there are more than twenty people around her who can do just as well."
"But she — "
"Brother Athelstan, I will remind you that the care of this child is not solely your responsibility," Father Cuthbert said and huffed. "You are to do your newly assigned duties in the morning. Is that clear?"
Athelstan bowed his head. "Yes, Father."
"Good," the older man said curtly. "Now off you go. Lots to do tomorrow."
With no other option available, Athelstan glanced at Lilith and nodded slightly. "Go on to bed, Lili. I'll see you in the morning."
He turned to leave, but Father Cuthbert stopped him at the door, whispering sharply before releasing him abruptly. The older man turned his eyes to Lilith, warning her with his eyes. He left then and slammed her door shut, locking it behind him.
The next morning, during breakfast, Father Cuthbert announced they would be sending more missionaries out at the start of Autumn and that these would last twice as long to do twice the work. Of course, he chose Athelstan to go with the main group, and that meant he would be gone for six months.
Lilith knew why Father Cuthbert was sending Athelstan away. She knew it was because of her, and she knew it wasn't a good sign. And there was nothing she could do about it.
Thankfully, he allowed them to still celebrate her birthday, though only a few of the brothers chose to participate. One of them gave her a new pair of shoes, and another gave her a new dress that was longer since she was taller, and this one was as soft as the other was. It was only Athelstan's gift that she loved, as it was a leather bracelet that looked like it had been hand-sewn with every color imaginable.
"The merchant said it was the most difficult stitch that could be made, and so of course, it was worth quite a lot. And now you will have something of your very own to keep with you while I'm away. I promise I will think of you every day, sweet girl."
The bracelet was large enough to fit around the top of her arm, but she simply held it in her hands to look at all the colors and trace how they wove together over the leather. She'd never seen anything so beautiful.
When it was time for Athelstan and the other missionaries to leave, Father Cuthbert made Lilith remain in the monastery, forcing her to say goodbye to her favorite companion far away from the beach.
"I'll miss you, sweet girl," he whispered as they embraced. "I'll think of you every day." He leaned back and looked straight in her eyes so she would listen. "Behave. Please. And no more bad dreams, yes?"
She nodded and leaned forward to kiss his cheek. He returned her gesture and held her closer before turning to leave.
She stayed there until she could no longer see the boats, until the sun crested on the horizon behind her, until it was too cold for her to stay there. Once she made it back to her room, she found her bracelet and fastened it around the top of her arm under her gown, skipping supper and reading one of the books she'd hidden away.
Brother Cenred took over her reading lessons while Athelstan was away, and though he wasn't as cruel as Brother Cenwar, he still treated her the same as the others. And much like Brother Cenwulf, though not as frequently, whenever she pronounced something wrong, he used a cane on her hands to keep her from doing it again.
Lilith thought that if she did asshe was told that Father Cuthbert would grant her a few freedoms, but that turned out not to be the case. In fact, the longer Athelstan was gone, the more restrictive he became and more insistent that punishing her was the only way to keep her from becoming wicked. With each new mark he inflicted on her, she only hated him more. Nothing of what she'd read made her believe anything he said. Nothing she'd learned from Athelstan agreed with what Father Cuthbert told her. It just made her want to defy him even more. So she did.
She kept her word on the bad dreams, as far as she was able. The only dream she had was the same as the one she'd had before Athelstan left the first time. The wave got bigger every time, and different people died every time. Once it was Brother Cenred, and another time, it was Brother Cenwulf. Father Cuthbert always died. Lilith and Athelstan always survived.
The winter was as harsh as it always had been, and Lilith tended to the fires throughout the monastery like she was told. She wrote in the small journal every night, putting down her thoughts and fears, and she prayed for Athelstan every night, remembering what he'd said about hearing her call out for him. Though she wasn't screaming, she still hoped he heard her.
Spring finally came, and when the boats did not arrive as they were expected, Father Cuthbert instructed everyone to pray, so they did. Lilith watched the beach even though she wasn't supposed to be there. She saw them before anyone else, and she waited as the bells began ringing, running ahead of everyone else to greet Athelstan as he exited the boat.
"Athelstan!" she exclaimed as he caught her in his arms. "We worried about you. Father Cuthbert has been praying since last night."
"I'm here now, dear girl," he chuckled. "Thanks to a turn in the wind and helpful waves. I've missed you. Let's go inside. I've something to show you."
They walked to the monastery together, ahead of the others and passed Father Cuthbert as he watched from the embankment. Athelstan looked upon this place that he still called home like he was seeing it for the first time in years, and Lilith could see he was happy. She didn't want to ruin that, so when she thought about telling him what Father Cuthbert had done to her, she chose not to, not even when Athelstan presented her with a new gift.
"It's called amber," he said, holding out a beaded necklace that shimmered in the low light of the chapel. "They trade this all over the Baltic."
Lilith took the necklace and ran her fingers over the beads. "What is it made of?" she asked.
He smiled as he answered her. "Tree resin. One of the merchants said it stays in the trees for millions of years to harden like this, and when they harvest it, it takes the shade of burnt gold. I thought of you the instant I saw this. Isn't it beautiful?"
She turned the beads over in her hands, feeling their coolness against her skin. "It's the most lovely thing I've ever seen. Thank you, Athelstan."
He leaned forward and kissed her cheek. "You're very welcome, sweet girl. You'll just need to find a good hiding spot so Father Cuthbert won't find it. Now," he said and covered her hands with his so she would look at him. "Tell me. You've not had any more bad dreams, have you? I know it's not easy in this place, but still."
Lilith didn't hesitate. "No. No bad dreams. I missed you every day, so I told myself to be strong for you."
Athelstan nearly blushed, but he wrapped his arms around her all the same and kissed the top of her head. "Oh, I did the same thing. Even though we were charged with bringing new villages and people into the Word of God, I thought of you. I thought of your smile and how mischievous it can be when you are up to no good. Father Cuthbert must be familiar with it by now."
She laughed softly against his chest, almost crying before she could stop herself. She had not been able to cope with watching him leave this last time. She didn't know how she would do it the next time.
He squeezed her gently as they sat together and then stood up with her. "Come, now. It must be around supper. Let's get something to eat. I'm famished."
The main hall was full when they stepped inside, and he sat her at the head table so he could get the last of the food and then eat with her. Some of the brothers watched them. Athelstan watched each of them, unable to deter them despite his best efforts.
Everyone inside the hall was quiet when Father Cuthbert stood to address them.
"I have decided that for the time being, we will be tending to the monastery until it is brought back into a better state. The living quarters have suffered severely with so many of our brothers gone. And while spreading the Word of God is a truly blessed thing to do, it is also said that cleanliness is Godliness. And once the state of this monastery is up to my standards, we will again revisit our travels."
Athelstan chose that moment to lean over and whisper to Lilith. "Plenty of time for me to teach you something new," he said. "Something everyone on an island surrounded by water must know how to do. But we mustn't allow Father Cuthbert to know. He wouldn't understand. Yes?"
Lilith smiled as she always did and nodded. "Yes."
After supper, Athelstan took her back to her room so she could find a hiding spot for her necklace, and once she was ready for bed, they both sat up so he could show her his new drawings.
"I wish I could paint like you," she said as they flipped through the new pages. "All Brother Cenred will do is make me read and write. And he smacks my fingers every time I make a mistake."
"He shouldn't do that," Athelstan said. He sighed softly, disappointed. "And now that I'm here, I'll talk with him and make sure he doesn't do it anymore. I promise." He squeezed her gently, and she looked up at him. "And I'll show you how to paint. You already do it when you're writing, but those are just words. Father Cuthbert won't approve, but I'll do it anyway if it's what you want."
Lilith smiled again and nodded.
"Then it's decided. Come on. Time for bed. I'm sure Father Cuthbert will have new texts for me to do in the morning."
He rose from the bed slowly, tucking her in and kissing her forehead before he extinguished all but one of the candles in her room so she could sleep.
Lilith watched him leave and then looked at her candle. She wondered about the places Athelstan had seen and whether she would ever see them. Father Cuthbert had already forbidden her from ever leaving the monastery, but she knew she would not always live in the monastery. And when she asked Brother Cenred about the places outside the monastery, he admonished her for even being curious about it. Lilith knew Athelstan would never do that, so she would continue to ask him about it.
The dream she had that night was filled with clear, perfect water all around her. She floated on top of it, and it surrounded her like it never had before. It wasn't a flood like in her other dreams. It was peaceful and inviting. She had never had a dream like it before, and it gave her hope.
Like I said, I did actually do a bit of research, and I discovered quite a few interesting things about this time period. I tried to incorporate it into the story as best as I could.
And I know the abuse of a child is nothing to romanticize. Believe me. I know. I hoping that by having this in her perspective, it can be revisited later on and dealt with.
So I'm hoping to upload one chapter a week. I'm still working on this one, but I'm also already working on part 2, so we'll see how this goes. I wanted to put these up since they're both kinda short.
I hope everyone likes it. Until next time!
