This chapter picks up pretty much where the last one ended, but it also covers a bit of ground. This is also in Lilith's perspective, and it's still a challenge.
This also has a little more abuse, but not much. It's the last of it as far as I can promise. I honestly don't know if it would really happen, but I can say that it ties into the larger picture as a whole.
This chapter is also longer since it has a little more to do than most of the others I've written for this story.
Thanks so much to everyone who's added this to their favorites and follows. I really appreciate it!
Read on and I'll leave more at the bottom.
Teacher
It was early still when Athelstan woke Lilith up before the other monks. The insects chirped, and the little birds sang with the new light, signaling that dawn would be soon. She knew it was time for her new lessons, and all Athelstan told her was that it had everything to do with the water.
"It's usually best to do this when it is warm," he whispered to her as they walked through the monastery to go outside. "But who knows when Father Cuthbert will decide when we go on our next mission. And besides, you're old enough to know how to do so much more than what he deems appropriate. I already knew this when I came here."
"What is it then?" she asked. They stepped outside into the early morning chill, and he draped a cloak over her.
"I'm going to teach you how to swim, Lili."
The beach was as still as it had been since the last missionaries had returned, the boats pulled up onto the sand and the baskets meant to hold the clams they harvested empty. The waves ebbed and flowed gentle as ever, giving the semblance of order, but Lilith knew that not to be the case.
"This is also best done without clothing," Athelstan said when they stopped and put the clothes they had carried at their feet. "But that wouldn't be quite right in this case. So I've brought one of your older dresses for you to wear. Now," he said and turned her to face him, "you trust me, yes?"
Lilith nodded.
He took off her cloak and held it up so there was a partition between them. "Change then, and take off your shoes."
She did as he said, changing out of her newer dress and putting on the older one that barely went to her knees. Her shoes took the place beside her clothes, and she took her cloak from him to wrap it round herself. "And what about you?" she asked.
Athelstan frowned at her but then picked up a pair of pants he'd brought. He put them on under his robes before removing his hood and then the habit that covered his body. As soon as he did, Lilith saw a fresh scar over the curve of his shoulder.
"Athelstan! You have a scar!" She rushed forward and immediately touched the wound that looked like it was still healing. "How?"
He looked at her hand as she traced the scar with her finger. "Well, while we might be good servants of God, I'm afraid not all of us are able fishermen. Brother Cenwulf especially. We had barely enough fishing line to close it, but we did our best." He laid his hand over hers. "It is only a scar, Lili. We all have them, and we all heal from them. When you're older, you will understand. Now come. We have only enough time for a little this morning, but perhaps we will have more time later."
He took her hand in his, and together, they walked to the edge of the water. The first little wave came in just as they reached the wet sand. Lilith gasped at the coldness, holding Athelstan's hand tighter.
"Don't be afraid," he encouraged. "It's only water. If you do not fear it, then it will not harm you. And I'm right here. I won't let anything hurt you."
Lilith took a deep breath and took another step into the water. Slowly, they both walked into the water until it was almost to her waist, and Athelstan turned her to face him.
"You still trust me?" he pressed, and she nodded. "Good. Right now, I need you to trust my hands. I will not let you go until you are ready."
He reached into the water for her and lifted her in his arms, holding her until she relaxed and then laying her on the water. "Let the water cradle you, Lili. Let it envelope you like a blanket. You will float and then you will not be afraid."
First, her head was covered so that only her face was above the water. When before she had been grasping onto Athelstan's arm, after a moment, she extended both her arms into the water. Then her legs and feet took to the water, allowing her to lay on top of it like he said she would.
"That's it!" he exclaimed. "You're doing it! That's good, Lili. That's wonderful."
For another minute, Lilith reveled in the feeling of the water around her as Athelstan supported her. She opened her eyes to see the brightening sky above her, feeling weightless for the first time in her life. She forgot about the horrible things Father Cuthbert did to her. She forgot about the terrible things Brother Cenwar had said to her when he was alive and all the awful things Brother Cenred did to make her learn. It all faded away as she floated in the water.
"Are you ready, Lili?" Athelstan questioned, and she knew what he meant.
"I'm ready," she answered after thinking on it less than a second.
Gently, he let go, allowing her to float on her own.
Athelstan and Lilith snuck back into the monastery before the sun had finally crept over the horizon. They stopped by her room and put away her wet clothes before sitting down to comb her hair.
"You will have to tell Father Cuthbert that you've already had your bath," he said as they finished. He turned her to face him. "And when he presses, you must not let him know. He can be persistent, but you must also be."
She reached for his hand and took it in hers. "It will be our secret," she agreed.
For the next two months, every morning, Athelstan and Lilith snuck down to the beach, and he taught her to swim the way he did. And then every night, after supper, he showed her his drawings so she could learn how to paint them like he did. He bound her a new book so she could draw in it, and she practiced every day while he was in the scripture room with the old texts.
It was the first time since Athelstan had begun traveling that she felt happy again, even with Father Cuthbert punishing her every day for any of his rules being broken. Every day, she thought about telling Athelstan, but then she saw how happy he was to be back in the monastery, and she couldn't bring herself to say anything. So she endured whatever the abbot decided was necessary.
At the end of May, when the spring rains had brought flowers and fragrance to the island, Father Cuthbert announced they would leave on their next mission and go to Paris before the beginning of June. This time, they would be gone until the beginning of the next spring, meaning they would not return for almost a year. Lilith wasn't surprised when Father Cuthbert chose Athelstan to go with them, and she wasn't surprised when he separated them at the end of the night with the intention of the boats leaving the following morning.
This time, she didn't get the chance to say goodbye to him.
There wasn't much time for Lilith to mope or hide the way she wanted to. The day after the boats left with Athelstan, Father Cuthbert saw to keeping her as busy as he could. He gave her chores to do in the kitchens and the latrines. It was disgusting work, and it did nothing to keep her from missing the one person she could talk to and who at least tried to understand her. It did nothing to deter her from practicing her drawing, even if it did keep her from swimming.
Soon, it was summer, and though she was tempted every morning to swim in the cool waters off the beach, Lilith knew Father Cuthbert would do more than punish her. She tried to at least keep up her reading and writing, and Brother Cenred saw how much she missed Athelstan. When he could do nothing to distract her, he released her from her studies, which allowed her to spend more time in her room with her journal.
Time stretched into September, and for the first time since she'd been a year old, Lilith had to face having her birthday without Athelstan. Instead of having a small celebration like they'd been doing, Father Cuthbert simply left her new clothes on her bed and another book of gospels for her to read. All day, she could not keep the tears out of her eyes. At breakfast. During prayer. While she was fed the goats. Not even when she sat with Brother Cenred in the chapel reading.
"You must stop crying, girl," he demanded, exasperated. "We've not finished even half of your lesson today."
Lilith tried to swallow her tears. "I'm sorry, Brother Cenred." She began reading the text again, but her voice would not stop quivering. Then she had to stop, making her tutor huff again.
"Oh, you are useless like this. Go on back to your room. I'll come get you when it's time for supper."
She didn't wait, rising and hurrying away before he changed his mind. She had cried more in one day than she had in all her life, and she had no power to stop it. Without Athelstan there, the monastery was just a cold, horrible place, and she hated it there alone. And with everything Father Cuthbert did, Lilith realized that she was miserable.
Autumn disappeared, turning to winter and forcing Lilith to remain inside even when all she wanted was to go outside. Even on days when the sun came out, the cold seeped through the windows and kept her sitting at the hearth in the main hall from sunup until sunset. Brother Cenred would have her read there, instead of making her do it in the chapel, and Father Cuthbert made her only tend the fires in the chapel and the main hall. It wasn't much, so she resisted only a little.
There was more ice than snow that covered the ground, making everything shimmery instead of iridescent. It wasn't uninviting, but it was much more slippery and it hurt when she fell on it. It only happened a few times, and she had to tend to her bruises on her own, but she was used to doing that. Eventually, she had to stay away from the icy paths and keep to the grass that crunched beneath her feet.
The ice melted away as Spring drew closer, and the little flowers began to bloom again, meaning that the missionaries would be back soon. It meant Athelstan would be back soon, hopefully in one piece with regards to Brother Cenwulf. Father Cuthbert forbid her from going to the beach to greet them, so she stayed at the top of the embankment, watching them pull out of the water and land where they usually did.
Athelstan was the first one out of the first boat, and though it took him a moment to find her, once he did, he waved. She waved back, grateful for him to be back, but also worried for the next time he would leave.
Lilith waited until he was in front of her, smiling with his arms open, to go to him, holding him for the first time in over nine months and crying for the first time since her birthday. He held her as tight as he ever had, speaking softly to her in the moments they had before the others made it up from the beach.
"Stop crying, sweet girl," he murmured. "I'm here now. I'm not leaving again. Not for a long time. Not if I can help it."
He nudged her back gently, leaning over just a little to look at her. "You've gotten taller," he said, and he looked proud. "And your hair has gotten so long. I hope Brother Cenred has been tending to it like I asked him to."
Lilith laughed just once and then started crying again.
Athelstan stood up and pulled her closer, turning so they could go inside.
"Come on," he said as they walked. "I've brought you many gifts, to make up for being gone so long."
She didn't argue, allowing him to take her wherever he wanted.
They went to the chapel, and Athelstan opened his satchel, pulling out no less than four wrapped packages. The first was a leather bound journal with smooth parchment paper. The smallest package held a shiny, silver cross that looked just long enough for her to wear under her dress. The last two packages held the largest pieces, as Athelstan revealed a blue stitched dress and a matching blue cloak.
"I had to think of a few ways to get these packed without Brother Cenwulf finding them," he said as she flipped through the pages of the journal. "And even though I might not have succeeded, I paid for all of it myself, so it's not like he could stop me. The journal and dressings were all made especially for you, Lili. And Father Cuthbert never wanted you to have your own cross because he wanted you to know what it meant to wear one. In a way, I understand his reasoning because you were a baby. But now, I believe you understand better than most of the others here. You understand, don't you, Lili?"
She looked at the cross in its cloth pouch, marveled by its shimmer and knowing it must have cost a lot. While she realized he was asking her about her faith and belief, Lilith knew it was who gave her the cross that meant more to her than what it represented. So when she looked at Athelstan and his pleading blue eyes, she answered him the only way she could.
"I understand," she promised.
He leaned over and kissed her head, scooting closer as he pulled his own journal from his satchel. "Good. Now, these things I've brought for you are yours and no one else's. We'll have to find a safe place for them in your room. And more than that, this," he said and opened the journal to a new drawing, "is the abbey of Saint-Germain-des-Prés. We visited it while we were at the market."
Lilith reached out without waiting, tracing the lines of the abbey as he had drawn them. "It looks so much bigger than the monastery," she said, awed by how beautiful it looked.
"Oh, it was," Athelstan affirmed. "So many more rooms and a chapel probably ten times the size of this one. I wanted you to see it as soon as I did."
Her fingers came over the lines of the doors just as his met hers, and he took her small hand in his.
"Lili, I'm sorry I missed your birthday," he said gently. "I promise you it won't happen again. I should have fought to stay here until after, like I always do. The next time Father Cuthbert sends missionaries out, I won't be going with them."
She lifted her eyes to his, wanting to believe him and knowing it wouldn't be that easy. "And if he still makes you go?"
"I won't go," he assured her. "I suppose if you had not come when you were a baby, I would do anything Father Cuthbert asked, but you did come. And I realized while I was gone this time that it used to matter to me that I did as Father Cuthbert asked. But it doesn't matter so much anymore."
He paused, and she spoke before he could continue. "And what matters more to you now?" she asked.
He exhaled heavily. "Don't you know by now?" he questioned. She shook her head just once before he stopped her. "You matter to me more, Lili. I've been caring for you since you were a baby, and I've watched you grow to be so beautiful. I am more than certain that this is what God would want me to do. To keep you safe and watch you grow into a beautiful young woman. And nothing Father Cuthbert says will keep me from doing that now. I swear."
She almost told him right then. The only thing keeping her from it was knowing that somehow, one day, Father Cuthbert would know what she did, and she knew that would be the end of her time with Athelstan. Even though they were alone, the walls had ears, she'd discovered. And only a few of the monks still believed she belonged there, so none of them would be inclined to help her if that ever happened.
So, still, she said nothing. She took her gifts and held them like the precious things they were, and when she sat at supper with Athelstan that night, she prayed for the strength to endure her punishments a little while longer.
The next morning, Athelstan resumed their swimming lessons, and he showed her how to tread water before taking her further out so he could teach her to kick and use her arms to move. Since she wore her older dress, Lilith felt safe in the water, and she felt safe with Athelstan. One day soon, she would feel safe enough to tell him the truth.
Spring blended into Summer, and the green grass and colorful flowers bloomed for Lilith to draw and paint. The goats and geese all obeyed her when she sat down to draw them in her journal, and sometimes, the sky did as well, allowing the sun to shine so she could be outside for as long as she wanted. Athelstan sat with her often, keeping her company and showing her different ways to sketch the things around her.
At the end of August, about a month from her birthday, Athelstan revealed to her that he wished to teach her some of the languages he'd learned while traveling. She already knew Latin better than most of the monks in the monastery, and Athelstan was certain she would pick up the others he knew just as well.
"We will need Father Cuthbert's permission," he said as they walked to the abbot's study. "Because to teach you, we will need to use the scriptorium where you learn your other studies, but if I make the case properly, he will have no reason not to grant my request."
"What about him not wanting me to learn anything outside the monastery?" she asked as they stopped at the door to the study.
Athelstan smiled. "Well, we've already broached that subject, haven't we?"
Lilith smiled as well, bowing her head as he knocked on the door.
"Enter!"
They stepped into the room together as Father Cuthbert rose from his altar to face them.
"Brother Athelstan, what brings you here when you should be preparing for supper?" the old man asked, eyeing Lilith pointedly.
"We're on our way to the kitchens now, Father Cuthbert," he assured the abbot. "But I wanted to ask you about Lilith's lessons. She's already done so well with Latin, and she writes better than half the rest of us. I wondered if it would be possible to teach her some of the languages I learned while traveling."
Father Cuthbert immediately shook his head. "I have already forbid teaching her anything outside these walls. And we taught her those things only out of charity. To do more than only necessary would make her more curious of the world, and to do that would make her more defiant than she already is. No."
Athelstan looked at Lilith as she looked up at him, and he spoke again, more insistently. "Father Cuthbert, with all due respect, I am the one who taught her to read. I taught her to write, and I have helped her more than anyone here. If anyone knows of her curiosity, it is me, and I believe teaching her about the world will give her more than we ever could. I will take full responsibility of her from now on."
The abbot watched Athelstan and then Lilith. "That will not be possible," he said, "as you will be leaving on our next mission before the end of the week. And therefore, you will not be able to teach her these new things."
Lilith sighed as she stood next to Athelstan, knowing it had been too good to be true. Of course Father Cuthbert would continue to take him away from her.
"No," Athelstan said, and she looked at him, seeing his teeth clenched.
Father Cuthbert was stunned silent for almost a minute. "No?" he repeated.
Athelstan shook his head. "No, Father Cuthbert. I will not be leaving again. You sent me on those missions because the Word of God needed to be told, and I have done that. But I also realized the last time that you might have also done it to separate me from Lili. She needs someone familiar with her now, and I can see that I'm the only one she trusts. So I won't leave her again. And while I'm here, I will decide what she's taught. I'm only asking your permission because I will need the scriptorium to do so. Will you grant me that?"
The old man couldn't speak for a moment, looking at Athelstan like he was a demon. He clutched his cross with both hands, turning his eyes to Lilith before he relented. "Go on then. You have my permission. Just go."
Athelstan smiled instantly, holding Lilith hand tighter before he pulled her out of the abbot's study so they could go about their day. Lilith smiled with him, feeling like a weight had been lifted off her little shoulders for the first time in nearly two years.
The first language Athelstan taught Lilith was Frankish. He said it was spoken in Paris, and that none of the other monks had thought to learn more than basic words to get by with people outside the city. It wasn't like her mother tongue or Latin, and it was difficult to form the words even with her teacher to help her. None of the sounds of the words seemed to fit in her mouth at first, but slowly, she could hear them form from the papers Athelstan wrote them on. Slowly, she began to feel the connections with what she heard to what she saw.
After a couple of weeks, Athelstan began writing down the Northern languages he'd encountered in places called Denmark and Svealand. He explained that while none of it had been written for him to learn in the beginning, he had encountered enough of the sounds and phrases to memorize them as they related to different things. The Northern languages were even more different from what Lilith was accustomed to, and her pronunciation of many of the words suffered greatly even as her teacher remained patient with her.
It helped that they were mostly by themselves in the scriptorium when they practiced, since none of the monks wanted to listen to other languages being spoken. To Lilith's ears, it sounded like the word she wanted but slightly different. To the monks apparently, she could have been cursing them to eternal hell. Maybe she was. In any case, once it was time for her to go outside and tend to the animals, they all returned to their work and left her alone with hers.
Before she knew it, the night before her birthday arrived, and Athelstan tucked her in after supper and a long day of reading and writing.
"You pick up these words like you have a spirit whispering in your ear, telling you what they mean," he teased as he put her journal away. "It took me nearly a month just to learn simple words, and soon, you'll be speaking in complete sentences in four different languages. There aren't words for me to describe how proud I am of you."
Lilith couldn't help but smile. "Even though it's a sin to have pride," she teased back, and Athelstan blushed slightly.
"Well," he said and pursed his lips. "I think perhaps it is pride in oneself that would be a sin, and while I do take pride in the work I do in the Name of God, it is not for myself. But this is so different. You are different, Lili. Not in the way Father Cuthbert says, but in a good way. In an amazingly human way. And in that, I am proud of you. Get some sleep, dear girl," he said and kissed her forehead. "Lots more to do tomorrow."
She took a deep breath as he rose and put out all her candles but one and left silently, and she was content for the first time in her life.
It was still quiet and dark when she woke from a dream, only this one she couldn't remember. The candle burned low, making her room as dark as it could be without being pitch black. At first, she tried to go back to sleep, but a twinge in her belly made her curl on her side. It stopped after half a minute, and she rose from bed to find some of the matches Athelstan had left for her. She relit the candle on her table and turned to go back to bed, seeing a dark spot on her bed where she had been laying.
Curiously, she carried the candle closer and reached to touch the spot, discovering it still wet and warm. Was it blood? Was she bleeding?
She searched her arms for a new mark or maybe an old scar that had begun to bleed again, pulling her gown off and then seeing the back with the same dark spot on it. Where was the blood coming from?
Lilith moved to the window and saw that it was only just brightening outside, deciding she needed to clean up before any of the others woke. She took one of her older gowns from the corner and slipped her feet into her shoes, thinking she should wake Athelstan but wanting to be clean when Father Cuthbert saw her this morning. So she decided to go by herself.
The halls of the monastery were quiet and dark as she crept through them silently, holding her cloak around her as she unlatched the main door and slipped out into the predawn that still smelt dewy from the cool air. She ran down the embankment to the beach as it set empty, and she looked back once more before removing her cloak, her shoes and then her gown.
She was in the water when she realized where the blood was coming from. As she tread water off the beach, she slid her hands through the water, saw the blood again and looked down, realizing the source was inside her but not from her marks, since the last one was more than two weeks old.
The sky lightened as she hovered in the water, her back to the beach for much longer than she intended. She meant to be inside before anyone was awake, but then she heard footsteps coming closer, turning to see Brother Cenwulf and Brother Cenred running toward her.
"Get out of the water this instant, girl!" Brother Cenwulf shouted at her.
Lilith didn't move from where she was, because she was naked and Athelstan always told her not to let any of the other monks see her without her gown, including him.
Brother Cenred stalked into the water toward her. "Get out of the water now!"
Before she could move away, he grabbed her and dragged her to the beach where her clothes were laying.
"Let me go!" she screamed. "Please!"
He nearly threw her down, glaring but also looking at her more strangely than anyone ever had.
"Father Cuthbert will have a lot to say about this, you little devil," Brother Cenwulf sneered at her.
The cold air cut through Lilith's bare skin like a knife being driven through her, and even when she tried to grab her gown, Brother Cenred stopped her and picked her up. Neither of them did anything to cover her up as they hurried away from the beach and took her inside to where Father Cuthbert was certainly already taking his morning prayers.
Lilith couldn't keep from crying. Not only had she been caught doing something she wasn't supposed to be doing, but she was also fairly certain Father Cuthbert would see the blood on her and no longer regard for her as a child. Of everything she'd read in the scriptures and stories, she no longer was a child.
Unexpectedly, when Brother Cenred and Brother Cenwulf dragged her into Father Cuthbert's study, she saw Athelstan there already and reached for him.
"Athelstan!"
Of the men in the room, he was the only one who looked concerned for her, hurrying to her immediately.
"What's the meaning of this?" he demanded, trying to reach for her but being stopped by Brother Cenred.
"This little heathen was swimming in the water just now, Father Cuthbert," he shouted, squeezing her arms in his hands so she would scream. And she did.
"Brother Cenred, let her go," Athelstan ordered.
"Athelstan, I'm sorry!" she cried. "I'm sorry."
He looked up at Brother Cenred, clenching his jaws. "If you do not let her go now, you will not have to worry about God anymore, Brother Cenred."
Something about Athelstan's eyes frightened him enough to comply, and instantly, she was in Athelstan's arms, crying harder than she ever had.
"Have neither of you any compassion?" he pleaded to the two men who had brought her in.
"Brother Athelstan," Father Cuthbert said calmly, and Athelstan turned to the older man. "Let us not make idle threats until we know the extent of what has happened. Brother Cenred, why have you brought this child here now?"
The older of the two glanced at her, glaring as he spoke. "This little beast was swimming in the water when Brother Cenwulf and I were collecting the baskets for the kitchens. None of us here has taught her to swim. If it wasn't plain enough when she came here, it should be known now. She's got the devil in her."
Athelstan sighed as he held Lilith tighter, doing his best to cover her body from them. "Brother Cenred, you are mistaken."
"You say that only because she has bewitched you, Brother Athelstan," Brother Cenwulf accused. "If you had remained distant like the rest of us, you would believe the same as we do. We thought separating you from her would diminish her influence on you, but clearly — "
"I taught her to swim! Just as I've taught her everything else she's learned here. None of you has ever learned anything about her, and she does not have the devil in her. How would any of you know what that even means?"
"She's an abomination!" Brother Cenred shouted.
"She's a little girl!" Athelstan shouted back.
"She's dangerous!" Brother Cenwulf cried.
"You're all scaring her! The only thing any of you has ever shown her is fear and hatred, and all she's ever done is be born and live in this place that is no place for a child. She has sinned no more than any of the rest of us, and you should all be ashamed of yourselves for behaving this way."
He looked down at her as she looked up at him, but he didn't smile. While he still kept her covered, Athelstan took her arm and turned it over, discovering the marks there she had been hiding from him.
"What is this?" he demanded.
Lilith bit her lip, still shivering and trying not show it.
None of the others said anything, causing him to raise his voice. "What are these? Are these scars?"
When the men around him still didn't answer him, Athelstan grabbed her gown from Brother Cenwulf and pulled it over her before he stood before them all with her behind him.
"Who did this to her?" he yelled.
Finally, Father Cuthbert spoke, calmly and as though it was not as large as concern as it was being made. "I am the one who saw to discipline her when she was defiant," he confessed. "And I had every right in my capacity as the abbot of this monastery, as I have exercised with the rest of you. It was my responsibility to ensure she was rid of her wickedness. But I see now that there was no hope of that with you looking after her."
The anger in Athelstan's eyes changed to fury immediately. "You mean, you abused her. Because she didn't follow your rules? Because she has a mind of her own? You mutilated her for what? Because you couldn't control her?"
"Yes," the old man admitted. "And it is clear to me now that she has already corrupted you."
Athelstan clenched his jaws again. "Then I am better for it," he countered, and the old man gasped. "And I should pray to God that none of you ends up exactly where you all belong. For doing this to a child. An innocent child who never did anything but stir up your pride and your wrath, and in others, lust, because I see it in their eyes."
He took her cloak and her shoes from Brother Cenwulf, taking her hand and addressing them all directly.
"None of you have to be concerned with her well-being anymore," he told them. "She won't need any of you to help her after this. And for the first time since I came here, I am ashamed of all of you."
He didn't give them a chance to respond, pulling Lilith from the room and taking her back to her room.
Neither of them spoke as they walked, but Lilith wanted to tell him everything. She hadn't wanted him to find out like this.
"I don't blame you for this, Lili," he said just as they reached her room. "None of this should have happened to you." He opened the door and then closed them inside, sitting on the bed with her. "Why didn't you tell me before?"
She sighed as two thick tears fell from her eyes. "I wanted to," she cried, and he embraced her as tightly as he could. "But Father Cuthbert said he would take me away from you. He said he would send me away. I thought he would stop if I was good, but I was never good enough."
The room was quiet outside her cries, and he held her until she stopped, leaning away to look at her as he wiped her tears away.
"He should not have done that," Athelstan said, still holding her. "I would never have let him do that. I swear." He exhaled heavily, looking over her shoulders as he spoke again. "How long has this been happening?"
Lilith bit her lip like she had before. Her shivering had stopped, but she was still scared of him seeing how bad it was.
Athelstan took her shoulders and made her look at him, asking again. "Lili, how long?"
"Since I was a baby."
The horror in his eyes and on his face made her feel worse. She tried to move away, but he wouldn't let go.
"Since you were a baby? Why in God's name would he do that to a baby? I don't understand. I always knew you were defiant, but I never believed he would ever harm a baby like this. Lili, look at me."
She lifted her eyes to his, and he sighed softly.
"It's all right. You don't have to worry about him hurting you ever again. From now on, it will only be you and me. I promise."
That made her cry even more, and he embraced her again.
"No one will hurt you again," he whispered. "I swear that to you."
Once Lilith was calm enough, and after Athelstan had dried and combed her hair, he sat on the bed and turned her back him. She knew she could trust him not to hurt her, but it didn't change the fact that it still terrified her for anyone else to see.
"I promise not to be angry," he said as gently as he could. "But I need to see. I need to see what he did to you. And if I need to tend to any of them. With any hope, he would not allow them to become infected."
He tried to pull the gown up but she stopped him before he could.
"Wait," she pleaded.
"Lili, I promise, it's all right."
She shook her head. "It's not that. I want you to see what he did. Because he is a cruel old man who deserves whatever happens to him. It's something else. It's why I was outside. I was trying to get clean."
"Because of what?" Athelstan asked. "Why would you go outside to clean yourself?"
She bit her lip again, keeping her arms over her chest. "When I woke up this morning, I was bleeding. From inside me."
For one torturous minute, he said nothing and did nothing. Then he turned her to face him, holding her still as he spoke. "Lili, you are only twelve years old. How is that possible?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. But it's like what I've read. It's because I'm a girl. I saw it in my bed when I woke up, and it was on my sleeping gown. I knew Father Cuthbert wouldn't like it. I didn't want him to find out."
Athelstan took a deep breath, processing what she said and easing his hold on her. "It's all right. He won't ever know. I won't tell him. I promise. But we will need to be careful. Even if he doesn't ever know, the others won't understand either. So we will adjust your bathing schedule accordingly."
She nodded and turned around so he could lift her gown over head. His gasp was bad enough, but then he touched the most recent one that was near her waist. She shivered, covering her chest again instinctively.
"How long ago was this?" he asked of the most recent mark.
"A fortnight ago. I was in the kitchens when I wasn't supposed to be, and he had Brother Cenred hold me down."
He pushed out a heavy sigh, whispering softly a small prayer before he spoke again. "Lili, I am so sorry I never realized. This should not have happened to you. I should have – "
"You didn't do anything," she said, stopping him.
"But I should have known! I should have seen. I am responsible for you and your well-being. I should never have allowed anyone else here to care for you. Please, Lili. Please forgive me."
"Of course, I forgive you. I always will."
He didn't do anything for another minute, and then he moved his fingers over the marks covering the back of both her arms and then down the length of her back. It took no time for her to know what he was doing.
He was counting.
Lilith didn't need to count with him. She knew how many there were. Once a year since her first birthday, and then once for every infraction incurred. She finished her own calculations just as Athelstan did.
"Dear God," he whispered. "There are over seven hundred marks! Why in God's name would anyone do this to a child? I don't understand."
Her room stayed silent as she stood there, and when he finally pulled her gown over her to cover her again, he turned her to face him.
"I don't know how to make this right," he admitted. "But I promise you I will try every day after this. I promise you. All right?"
She nodded, and he held her closer.
"We should get you cleaned up properly, and I'll get us some breakfast."
That ended it right there, and when he felt all right leaving her alone, he slipped away to the kitchens to take some bread and meat.
Lilith felt a little lighter now that Athelstan knew what Father Cuthbert had been doing to her. She didn't like that he had to carry the weight of it with her, but now he could share the load, she knew nothing would be as bad as it had been ever again.
I tried to think of these marks like lashes, but just a few didn't make sense to me. I hope it's not too much for anyone.
This is also is where I tried to make Athelstan a little different from how he is in the show. I always viewed him as a strong person, but sometimes, the show took that away from him. So I tried to write him the way I see him.
Plus, this changes Lilith too. I can speak from experience that abuse changes a child, but I also know having someone there to share the burden gives you the freedom that was taken away.
Stay with me, and we'll do this together.
The next chapter will be from Athelstan's perspective. Until next time!
