A/N:

Trigger Warning: self harm

I want to make clear that these themes are in fiction only and I don't ever intend to pretend to know how someone who feels this way would behave or act, because again this is a work of fiction. However, I never intend to make anyone feel any type of way about this. So if there is anything I can do to help anyone, change anything here, please reach out. I'm here, willing to listen and to learn.

I know I've been gone for quite some time, but I felt no motivation given with how things in the world have been going. But, I recently realized that many of us come to fiction to ease minds and rest our souls. So if this fic is that for you, then thank you and I hope to see you soon with the next chapter. Please leave a review to let me know how you like it!

Chapter 12: Decision

"Loyalty means nothing unless it has at its heart the principle of self - sacrifice" - Woodrow Wilson

All things considered, Arthur had seen worse. Granted it had never been like this, staring down the tip of his sword at an entire pack of wolves, but still, it could have been worse. He didn't realize he had said any of this out loud until Lancelot let out an involuntary guffaw.

"Sire, with all due respect. I don't think that matters. Having been in worse or not, I think these dogs have a fair-mind to rip us to shreds today."

"Ahhwww where's your sense of adventure at Lance-y?" Gwaine called over, "this is going to be fun!"He swung his sword around in one hand almost showing off, making one of the wolves closest to him growl as he edged around Gwaine, looking for a soft spot in his defense to attack. Lancelot had just enough time to spare Gwaine an incredulous look.

"Why does it not surprise me that THIS is what you find enjoyable?" Percival lowered his stance to strengthen his foot hold, his back bumping up against Leon.

"Perhaps we have made a slight error in coming at nightfall, sire."

Arthur just let out a frustrated huff as the collapsed fort behind him remained silent. He couldn't explain why but he knew Merlin was inside and it made his blood boil thinking of his manservant having barricaded himself inside. He knew it was a long shot but they had found evidence that he was here and he would be damned if he didn't drag the scrawny man out on his ass before he got eaten by these wolves.

"Merlin," he called over his shoulder into the fort. "I swear to god, why do you have make everything a thousand times harder than it has to be – " Arthur never got to finish his complaint because at that moment one of the wolves closest to Elyan's position, lunged forward, only to be deflected by the swift down strike if his sword. That broke the rest of the wolves out of their prowling and they all began to frenzy. It was clear these beasts hadn't had a meal in sometime and the offering of this much flesh in front of them sent them into predatory rage.

For the first while, they were able to keep them back as they formed a tight formation with Arthur once again in the center. It worked for a while until a large grey wolf lunged forward and set his jaws firmly upon Lancelot's arm, the weight of him broke the protective stance they had created which allowed for a an opening in their defense. From there it descended into pandemonium. The wolves set themselves upon their prey with ferocity and very soon had them overwhelmed.

It didn't matter that they beat back one wolf, for another was there instantly to take its place and their vision became full of snapping jaws and crimson stained teeth just inches away from their throats. More than once, they only survived by the skin of their teeth.

One wolf pounced from Arthur's right, nearly landing him but instead taking down Gwaine who was thrown to the ground, and in his haste he put the only thing in the way he could think of to keep those fangs from sinking into his neck. He jammed the hilt of the sword lengthways into the animals maw to keep its mouth open and away from him, though for how long, he couldn't be sure exactly.

"Gwaine!" Percival yelled out his head whipping frantically in the knight's direction even as he worked furiously to keep the absence of the man from creating a weak spot in their defense of the King.

"Oh shut up Percy, I'm FINE. Remind me, when we're finished, I'm going to make a rug," he grunted, shoving the creature off, "out of this one!" He collected himself, rolling onto his knees and jumping up to slash at the two wolves in front.

"Sire, I don't wish to be-" Leon grimaced in pain as a foreleg sweep caught his shin and he felt a hot flash of pain. "-I don't wish to be rude, but I think we might have bitten off more than we can chew here. There's too many!"

And he was right, all around them, the pack grew. There had to have been at least 20 of them, and still more were appearing from the dark forest beyond. Arthur knew they couldn't hold them off for much longer. All of a sudden, as they considered their options, while cutting and slashing haphazardly the wolves grew even more vicious, leaping through them. One caught Arthur on the arm, while Leon and Elyan were pinned down by others, using the leather cuffs on their forearms to protect their faces and necks from the assault.

He could barely think straight for the panic was setting in threefold and Arthur knew if they didn't find a way out soon, they would not find a way out at all. There were no other sounds than that of snarls and growls and the yells of his knights as they fought back under the onslaught but it was clear that they were losing and losing fast.

The King heard a sharp cry of pain that he knew came from Lancelot and began to despair when no matter how hard he tried he couldn't shake himself loose of the animal's grip and its canines pierced through his cuff and finally tore into skin. The wolf gave a mighty shake of its head, and dug in its back legs while pulling down, ultimately dis-balancing Arthur so that he fell to the ground, and tried to protect his face with his free hand, forcing him to let go of his sword. The pain in his arm grew sharper as the teeth cut deeper and the yells from his knights grew louder. Arthur knew then that they had lost, he had brought his men out on a fool's errand and they would die for it.

But then, as quickly as it had began, frenzy stopped, and Arthur grew aware of a ferocious howl piercing through the night. It sounded as though it were right on top of them and when he looked up, sure enough there was a huge wolf up on the balcony high up on the fortress. Even in the black dark of the night, the obsidian of its fur struck Arthur as luxurious and ethereal. It was watching them its blue eyes visible even from so far away and then the wolf melted away into the form of a human, and Arthur was stunned to see Merlin standing there, wearing only a pair of trousers and wielding a scepter which he slammed on the stone of the balcony.

"Merlin…" Arthur heard Lancelot choke out, hearing it almost through a daze. He could scarcely believe his eyes. He looked just like he did the night they had lost him. Like not even a day had gone by. But he hadn't even so much as glanced at them. Merlin's attention was on the wolves.

The reverberations of it clearly affected the wolves as they immediately tucked tail and retreated into the forest behind them. Merlin stared out into the forest and slammed his staff down once again and the Knights heard the distant shrieking howls of the wolves and somehow knew that they wouldn't be back to attack them again. When Gwaine looked back up, Merlin had finally made eye contact with Arthur, and it felt like he would never be able to breathe again. His breath stuck in his lungs and he couldn't bring himself to look away, though that was something Merlin took care of on his own. He was the first to turn away, and retreat back into the decrepit building.

"Merlin!" Arthur yelled, but the man paid him no mind, and they could hear the sound of an old iron door dragging shut. He scrambled up and began to wrench rocks away from the buried old door, exactly where it had been when they last came here, 3 years ago. Soon the Knights had joined him.

"Merlin, what the hell are you playing at?! Open this door, right now!" Aside from the sounds of tumbling rock, the inside of Circe's castle remained silent, un-answering. After an agonizing amount of time unearthing the door, Arthur rammed it with his shoulder, attempting to break it down.

"Merlin, please!" Gwaine pleaded, "Let us in, mate. Whatever is going on, we can help!"

Still, there was no response from the man inside. Arthur was beginning to get angry. Here he was, three year later, they were trying to help him. And the lousy oaf was once again refusing in his usual bizarre roundabout way. Arthur turned around and motioned for Percival to move forward. The burlier man wasted no time in digging his hands into the rubble and trying to clear a path. It was clear that his way was working better so the other knights moved closer to capitalize on the movements to gain access to the buried door. After all, this was years in the making and on the cusp of finally being solved.


Merlin's mind raced, he had done it. He'd shown himself to them, even though he had sworn that he would never put Arthur in the position where he could come to find him. He tore at his hair as Arthur's yelled threats from outside reverberated around him. In his haste to protect them Merlin had put them all in greater danger than he could on his own handle.

Suddenly, the buried door rumbled and Merlin knew that some way, somehow, Arthur was going to find his way in. It wasn't a matter of if, but when. That other part of him, the wild side howled in anticipation, the predatory side of him relishing in the chance to try fresh meat again after years of deprivation. He could smell the blood surging through their veins and practically salivated at the thought of tearing into it and feeding on the warm lifeblood that coursed beneath their skin. The urge was so strong that it almost knocked Merlin off his feet. He staggered to the cabinets lining the walls, barely touched from Circe's days and grabbed a set of iron keys from the ledge. He was losing control and fast, the side of himself that he barely kept in check on a good day threatened to overwhelm him. He grabbed the sheepskin sheath off the rack near the ledge and threw himself into the cells Arthur's men had been imprisoned in before. Merlin had repaired it for just such a situation, where he couldn't control himself. He shut the doors behind him, locked it and threw the keys in the corner of the cell in the back, out of reach of anyone who would come in. Knuckles clenched tightly around the dagger in his hand, Merlin knew exactly what he would have to do. The sound of rubble crumbling away from the entrance only confirmed his fears as cold air lanced through the inside of Merlin's shabby home for the last years. It felt like ice in his lungs and gave him some semblance of clarity. He had known this was coming, and in some way, he had prepared for it too. He needed to protect his friends. No one else could protect them but him.

Merlin fought with his warring mind long enough to uncover the knife and in one smooth bring it up to his throat. His body mirrored the same actions as it had on the day he had thrown Arthur and his knights out. His physique kept changing from beast to man. The long fur sprouting constantly, his eyes flushing animalistic and back to human repeatedly, Merlin held resolute however, and kept his stance, kneeling in the center of the cell, perfectly out of reach from all sides, completely free from intrusion.

Within seconds, the rumbling increased and gave way to the sound of falling debris. A plume of dust, dirt and snow filled the air, the violent winds from the mountain permeating the chamber. All the knights spilled inside including Arthur, they coughed, trying to squint in the swirling air and froze, not comprehending what they were seeing.

He could see something that looked like relief that quickly turned to horror. Arthur took off his gloved and approached slowly, Gwaine and Lancelot were not far behind, their eyes quickly assessing the situation, taking in both the cell and the key ring at the back of the cell. Their options were bleak and they knew it, Merlin thought to himself satisfied, he had known the two long enough to decode the looks they tersely shared amongst themselves.

"Merlin – "

"Stop –" The warlock said roughly. He had no interest in listening to what they would say. He knew that if he let himself get into any kind of discussion, his resolve would weaken. The resolve he had spent years building up to this moment. He didn't blink, he didn't move, though his body rippled with the changes threatening to take total control at any moment. His canines elongating and shrinking im time with the breaths he took.

Merlin could see them panicking, trying to come up with something, anything. But he knew it was futile.

He had made his decision.

One slash of his blade and it was over. Blessed silence rung in his ears. Finished. At last.

Until it wasn't and he felt something burn inside him . The same pain and agony from before, setting his being alight. He could no longer move and he dimly registered his King yell for him to stop.

And he did.

He could never disobey his King. Even in death.