Disclaimer:
Carol Peletier, Sophia Peletier, King Ezekiel, Henry, Jerry, Shiva, and any other recognizable character or plot of The Walking Dead belong to AMC Network and Skybound Entertainment, Image Comics and Robert Kirkman.
In no way is the author claiming ownage of any of the characters nor is there any economic/monetary gain at any time. The author is extremely respectful of the original creators and is willing to take down this work of fiction if requested.
No copyright infringement intended.
Original characters are the property of the author.
Keeper of my Heart Chapter 12: Kiss My Sorrows Away
Getting Sophia to go to bed, on a regular day, is never a hassle. As much as her daughter adores to play, Sophia has always been a cuddler. Given the chance, Carol is sure that her daughter would choose to snuggle in bed as her mother reads a book to her over playing with her doll. Today, however, has been anything but a typical day and Sophia is refusing to go to sleep.
Carol can see she's fighting sleep. It is evidenced by the way her daughter's eyes slip half-close before Sophia gives a tiny jump and opens them wide. She knows that it's because of the morning fright and the uncertainty of whether Ed had found them or not. Despite knowing that it hasn't been her father at the door, Carol knows Sophia is still worried. She had played all day albeit much quieter than any other day and she'd always made sure to be near her mother or Ezekiel, just in case. Now, she's refusing to sleep just in case Ed comes for them in the middle of the night.
Carol supposes it also has to do with Sophia sensing her mother's hesitation and fear. As they had finished with Michonne -after talking to her all day and planning a strategy for court- and the night had grown closer, Carol had started to feel the unending nervous pangs in her belly at the thought that soon she will have to take pictures of all her scars, pictures that will leave Ed's cruelty as evidence. Scars Ezekiel will have to see and photograph.
It's not vanity, not at all.
She has long accepted that she isn't a beautiful woman. Ed had drilled it into her every day, reminding her how she was lucky he had taken pity on her by marrying her. Ed told her, more than once, that had it not been for the bet his friends had made with him, he'd have never even looked at her and she would have ended up unmarried and cast aside. She knows that she has, or had, some features that people would consider beautiful on their own, but on her they never seemed to quite fit right together. She knows this, but baring her body to Ezekiel isn't what's bothering her.
The thought of Ezekiel seeing how weak she had been eats at her. She knows that he will see each and every scar, each stitch that had long healed, each broken bone that had been forced back into her body, every word carved on her skin. Ezekiel will see it all.
What will he think? Will he look at her through the viewfinder of his camera in disgust? Will he believe the cruel words left on her skin?
She shakes her head to clear the thoughts away before looking at Sophia once more. Her daughter is fighting sleep again though her eyes are almost closed. She waits silently to see if she will go to sleep but at the last second Sophia slams her eyes open once more.
"Dad?" She asks as she tries to look around.
Carol places a hand on Sophia's chest and shakes her head so that her daughter can't sit up. "He's not here." She promises. "He's not going to find us, sweet pea."
"No?" She can hear the incredulity in her daughter's voice and doesn't blame her for not believing her.
"No, Soph," Carol assures her. "We are safe here. Remember what Ezekiel said? As long as we are here we are safe?" She waits for Sophia to give a nod before continuing. "And even if Ed were to find us, I wouldn't let him anywhere near you."
"No hurt mommy," Sophia begs.
It breaks her heart to see her daughter worried about her well-being. So many times Sophia had seen Ed hitting her, had seen the aftermath of his anger and knew that Carol would physically put herself between them to receive punishment in order to protect her. It is normal for her to worry given all the evidence of the past times they had tried to flee. It is up to Carol to assure her that this time it is different.
"He won't hurt me," Carol promises as she makes sure that Sophia is wrapped up in the blankets, tucking the ends under her tiny body. "I won't let him. Ezekiel won't let him."
Sophia plays with her bottom lip as she thinks through her worry. Slowly her eyes start becoming droopy again so Carol hums to her softly, hoping to relax her fully into sleep. "You are safe here, sweet pea. Mama is safe here."
Sophia seems to accept her words for her eyes fully close, her lips parting as she relaxes. Carol remains by her side, gently threading her fingers through her daughter's auburn hair and humming to her. When Sophia doesn't wake for a couple of minutes, Carol lets out a sigh. She knows her time has run out and that she has to go take the pictures. Pushing it back for another day is simply out of the question. The sooner they are done the sooner they can be sent to Michonne and she will be able to figure out the course of action. The sooner they are done the sooner Carol will know Ezekiel's reaction. She needs to get it out of the way to go on with her life.
Leaning down over Sophia, Carol places a kiss to her forehead. "I love you, Soph." She whispers.
"Love... mama," Sophia mumbles in her sleep before curling further against her stuffed tiger. Carol waits for a beat to make sure she doesn't fully wake up before moving out of Ezekiel's bedroom.
She leans against the closed door with her forehead pressed to the cold wood. With her eyes closed, Carol focuses on her breathing to try and avoid having a panic attack. She has to do it, she has to be strong for Sophia, for herself.
"You can do this," she whispers under her breath. "You can do this. It's just Ezekiel, he's not going to hate you, or judge you. You can do this."
"Is something the matter?" Ezekiel's voice makes her almost jump out of her skin, her forehead bumping against the wood as she jumps.
"Ow!" She whimpers, already reaching to cover the sore spot with her hand. She can hear his quick steps as he crosses the distance between them. A hand presses to her arm to turn her slightly towards him.
"Have you injured yourself, milady?" Ezekiel gently brings the hand covering her forehead away, his fingers rising to smooth over the spot where she made contact with the door.
Remembering what she'd just been doing, Carol quickly shakes her head and covers his mouth with her hand. Ezekiel's gaze turns inquisitive but he doesn't try and move away or say a word. Bathed in silence, Carol waits to hear for Sophia's voice. Surely the little girl would have wakened with the sounds.
When no fearful 'mama?' is heard, Carol releases Ezekiel's mouth but quickly slides her hand into his and pulls him away from the door as fast and as silently as she can.
"Sorry," she offers once they've reached the safety of the living room. "It took forever for her to go down."
Ezekiel gives her a little smirk and a nod. "Michonne's un-announced visit must have shaken her far more than I originally believed."
"Yeah. She thought... we both thought it was Ed." Carol dips her head down in shame at still feeling completely vulnerable to her husband's possible presence.
One of Ezekiel's gentle fingers presses against the underside of her chin, guiding her face upward until she locks eyes with his chocolate brown irises. His gaze is comforting and warm, not a trace of pity in them. She knows right away that he doesn't look down at her for still being afraid despite providing everything for their safety. Carol can't help but feel even worse as she recalls the insecurity she had felt just moments ago even though she knows it's also a direct result of her husband's abuse. Ezekiel believes in her and she has to trust him as much as he trusts her.
"Do not hide behind shame, Carol." He begs.
She sniffles as her eyes instantly fill with tears. The last thing she wants to do is burst out crying but she feels so on edge with the prospect of the pictures and the unannounced visit as well as Sophia's reaction. Hearing the tenderness in his voice pushes her over into the void, begging her to release the pent up feelings in her heart.
His reaction is instant; slowly pulling her into his embrace, giving her every opportunity to pull away and cradling her against him when she doesn't. She wraps her arms around his waist and presses her face to his chest. Just like he'd done earlier with Sophia, Ezekiel starts humming and swaying slightly from side to side. Just like Sophia, Carol slowly calms down until her sniffles are non-existent and her tears have been absorbed by his shirt.
"I don't know how you do it." She whispers as she pulls back, her eyes instantly seeking his. "How you can calm Sophia so effortlessly. How you can calm me."
Ezekiel's lips curl upwards in a beautiful smile. "Perhaps it is because my love for you, for both of you, is strong and true."
She can't help but blush at his words. Before she can lose the sudden bursts of confidence she stands on her tiptoes and presses a kiss to his lips. It's just a soft peck but as she pulls back she can't help but wish it was more. By the way he sighs and leans down so that their foreheads are pressed together, she knows Ezekiel wishes it could be more too. He doesn't push her though, instead, he continues humming and swaying slightly.
Carol quickly loses track of time once again, simply allowing him to embrace her and protect her. She feels safe in his embrace, loved. She takes a deep breath and lets his scent wash over her; the soft smell of his cologne, which he'd applied that morning, filters into her nose and relaxes her. If only she had been younger when she met him. If only it had been him instead of Ed that she'd met at the dancer's door. If only he was her husband and Sophia's father.
He isn't and she has to deal with her current husband before she can even solidify something with the man that is stealing her heart.
Pulling away and instantly missing his embrace and warmth, Carol moves towards the couch where she sits down. She fidgets for a second, rubbing her suddenly sweaty hands down her thighs to dry them against the material of her jeans. "We have to take pictures."
Ezekiel gives a nod before following her and reaching for the camera he has left on the coffee table. It's not a professional camera by any means but it is certainly a newer model. "I know you've been hesitant all day, preparing yourself for this undoubtedly hard endeavor. I do not wish to further complicate the situation by insisting on taking the pictures. If you prefer, I can demonstrate how to operate the camera so you can take photographs and not feel so exposed while doing so."
Carol's mouth drops open in astonishment before she can stop it. Can he read minds? She knows the thought is dumb but that's all she can think about as she stares at him. It's like Ezekiel has been able to read inside her very soul, know that she feels unsure, exposed, insecure of her strength, and instead of pushing her to do something she isn't comfortable he's willing to let her deal with it on her terms.
"Have I said something wrong, Carol?" He asks after a couple of seconds of silence between them.
Carol quickly closes her mouth and shakes her head. "No, you've... you've said all the right things. Even with your flamboyant way of saying it."
Ezekiel chuckles and grins, his whole face lighting up as he shows her his pearly white teeth. "I aim to please and make my Queen happy."
Carol raises an eyebrow at his words. Did he just call her 'his Queen'? Why does her stomach suddenly house an army of flying butterflies? Why does she feel like a schoolgirl with her very first crush as she hears that her crush likes her back? It's silly, especially with what they'd just been talking about, but she can't help but focus on it.
"Queen?" She questions as she tries very hard to not let the corner of her lips curl upward.
"You are my Queen if you accept the title," Ezekiel replies as he joins her on the sofa, his camera still clasped by his hands. "I have no real Kingdom, no real riches to bestow upon you, nothing to offer you but this home and my love. Sophia has become my princess and it would be my honor for you to be my Queen."
A sudden thought runs through Carol and leaves her stammering, her heart racing fast and hard against her chest. "Are you... are you asking me to..?"
He narrows his eyes as he tries to understand what she's trying to stammer out. When he finally catches her meaning he quickly shakes his head.
"Am I asking you to marry me?" He runs by her. She gives a shy trembling nod of the head. "No, Carol. I have heard of engagements that arrive rapidly after a man and a woman meet but that is not what I aim to accomplish. Not tonight. Perhaps in the future, if the occasion arises and everything has run the course we wish for it to run, maybe then I will ask for your favor. For now, I just wish to make you feel loved, protected, cherished, worshipped even. I wish for you to know that no matter what I will stand by your side as a King would with his Queen, defend you as your personal knight whenever you shall need of my services."
"You don't have to call me a Queen for that," Carol notes.
"I am very much aware." He promises with a small nod. "But the title fits you much better than that of a Lady."
She turns away from him for a second, quickly running through her mind all the reasons as to why she shouldn't let him call her that.
She certainly isn't a Queen, nor does she feel she has Queenly attributes. She doesn't hold titles or riches either. It somehow feels perfect though, as if she's meant to be his Queen. Would it be terrible for him to call her that pet-name? She wants to say yes, to give him the permission he seems to seek but at the same time, a part of her tells her to hold on and slow down, something they keep saying they'll do but fate continues to prove them wrong in. Her mind tells her she needs to slow down before she's hurt once more, not that she truly thinks he would hurt her in any way but she can't control what her mind thinks in order to protect her. She closes her eyes and lets out a deep sigh.
"I do not wish to make you uncomfortable." She hears Ezekiel whisper, his voice showing a slight tremble of uncertainty. Out of the corner of her eye she watches as his shoulders slump and he curls inward just slightly.
Quickly she makes eye contact with him and gives him a tiny smile. "You aren't... just... let me think about it all right?" Seeing his expression drop even further Carol quickly adds. "I'm not saying no. It's... it's not that I don't want you to call me that, I just need to make sure we aren't rushing into anything."
Seeing Ezekiel rear up into another phrase, Carol quickly places two of her fingers over his lips, her smile never faltering so that he will see that she's not outright denying him. "Let's get through this. If... if afterward you still want to call me 'your Queen', then I'll say yes."
His chocolate eyes seem to search her blue eyes to try and see if she's telling the truth or simply letting him down slowly. Instead of averting her eyes, Carol focuses on letting him see every ounce of love she feels for him, love she can't quite understand but doesn't want to question, every ounce of calm and protection he makes her feel, every ounce of happiness he has brought into her life in the time they'd known each other and lived together. Slowly his smile returns until it's once more brightening his face.
He presses a tender kiss against the pad of her fingers. "Very well."
Carol watches him fidget with the camera as he turns it on. Once more she feels nerves take over her. She's about to expose the darkest secrets she has kept hidden by layers of clothes. She's going to forever leave photographic evidence of their existence. Once she does this there is no going back, no hiding it anymore, no pretending they don't exist. They will be out in the open for all to see, for Ezekiel to see.
She can feel her hands trembling even as she clasps them together to prevent them from shaking too much. Carol subconsciously bites her lip then tilts her head back as her eyes flood with unshed tears. She knows that a panic attack is right around the corner waiting to strike if she isn't careful with her breathing, so she focuses on taking in air through her nose and slowly letting it out silently through her mouth.
She's so focused on her breathing that she doesn't realize Ezekiel has been talking to her. "... then you just have to focus with the aid of the viewfinder and release your hold on the button. Do not move it or the flash will make the shot blurry."
"I don't think I can do it." She finally whimpers out as she regains control of her voice. It comes out as a shaky whimper but it is at least loud enough to catch Ezekiel's attention. "I thought I could.. but I can't."
Placing the camera on the coffee table in front of them, Ezekiel then slides off the couch and into a kneeling position in front of her. Carol hears the scraping of the table legs against the wooden floor but she refuses to look down as he pushes the table to the side to make space for himself, settling as comfortably as he can. She can sense he raises a hand and feels it press to her knee before he rests his chin against it.
"Carol." He whispers, trying to catch her attention, trying to divert her focus from her fear and focus on him instead.
With his free hand, he parts her clasped hands and guides one of her hands to his hair so that she can play with one of his dreads, something they had discovered she enjoyed doing and that could quickly ground her to reality. Immediately Carol starts playing with the strand, letting its texture make the ends of her fingers tingle. Still, she doesn't tilt her head back down.
"Confide in me, Carol," Ezekiel begs. "You know I will shelter your thoughts and fears and guard them with my very existence."
Carol's chin quivers as she tightens her jaw to prevent herself from talking. She's resolute that she will not take the pictures, that she will not share for fear of people, of him, seeing the full evidence of Ed's torture and have them think that she deserved them. She cannot see the pity in their eyes as they examine the pictures to try and figure out if her soon to be ex-husband had been cruel enough to her. She cannot see the look in his eyes, that she is sure he will get, once he sees that beneath her clothes all there is to find is cruelty and pain traced on her very skin.
"I can't... I'm not strong enough."
"It is hard for a person to bear their very soul for the scrutiny of others." He agrees with her. "But I believe the strength to get through this lies within you. You can do this, Carol."
She shakes her head, her hair brushing back and forth against the back of the sofa. Her chin trembles once more even as she attempts to catch her breath. Already she can feel the beginnings of the attack take hold of her; the tightening on her throat, the uncontrollable shaking, and crying. She's about to fall apart and there is nothing she can do. Not even the grounding that Ezekiel's hair has provided her aids her.
"Would it help if I bared my own?"
His question surprises her enough to tilt her head down. She blinks rapidly, hot salty tears falling from her eyes and sliding down her cheeks. Carol makes no move to brush them aside and neither does Ezekiel. Her tears will hopefully wash away her fears and lessen the pain left behind by her husband.
"Your... own?" She asks between forceful intakes of air.
Ezekiel nods before pressing a kiss to the side of her clothed knee and pulling back. "I too have scars, Carol. Some I proudly carry and some that time has allowed me to bear."
This is the first time she's heard of him having scars. She knows they are more than the scrapes and bumps that even the clumsiest person could have, especially if he's offering to bare them to help her find peace, but she's not sure how bad they are.
"Would you like to bear witness to them?" He asks her.
She slowly nods before blinking rapidly once again to clear her eyes from the incessant tears that will then run down to her cheeks.
Ezekiel pulls back once again only to pull his legs from under his body and quickly start work on rolling his jean leg up. Once he is done he turns his leg just enough for Carol to see. It's faint but the healed puncture marks show what had certainly been a deep painful bite.
"Our zoo once housed a sick tiger that needed rehabilitation. She was a beautiful specimen, white as snow with grey stripes, but in-breading had brought complications to her health and so her owners had neglected her and abused her. The night we received her at the zoo she was agitated, caged and looking to make a quick escape. When the head zookeeper fired the tranquilizer gun she grew terrified and before the medicine made effect she attacked. I placed myself between her and a pregnant zookeeper. She latched to my leg, broke a bone and tore ligaments. It has now healed but the scar will forever remain."
Before Carol can say anything, Ezekiel is already standing, rolling up his shirt to expose his belly. There, on the left side, is a dark mark. Carol knows right away what it is for she too had a similar scar on her body.
"I tend to forget that humans have the capacity to harm others ingrained in their psyche. I was young, thought myself as invincible and decided to go for a midnight run. A drugged man confronted me, taking me by surprise. All he wished for was for money to secure his next high. When I replied that I did not possess money he withdrew a knife and proceeded to remind me of the perils of the night. That night I almost died were it not for a bickering young couple who happened upon me on the trail."
To hear that the kind man that stood in front of her, the kind man that had opened his home to her and Sophia and had done nothing but love them, had almost been killed brought a new wave of tears to her eyes. This time Ezekiel quickly leans down to brush them away prompting Carol to instinctively press her cheek against the palm of his hand, seeking the comfort only he can give her.
"Do not shed a tear for that occurrence. I do not blame the young man. Whatever he had been running from by getting high was enough torture for his soul."
"He could... have killed you."
"It was long ago, Carol." Ezekiel reminds her. He takes her hand without pulling away from her and guides it to the scar. The skin is tight and smooth. However deep it had been it has healed long ago. "Do you feel that? It's healed. I am alive by the grace of the creator and that is all that matters."
Lowering himself back into a kneeling position in front of her, Ezekiel takes a deep breath then starts working on unbuttoning his shirt. By the way his hand trembles, Carol knows that the scar he will now show her has a deep meaning. Whatever it is was painful when it happened.
He opens the ends of his shirt once he's done unbuttoning then lets the material drop. He raises his arms and pulls at the white undershirt by the back only to pull it off his body and letting it drop to the floor. "Perhaps this is the only scar I posses that could hold a shade to your own." He warns her.
Slowly, Ezekiel turns until his back is to her. There, clear as day, is a slightly ridged scar in the shape of a buckle. Without his guiding, Carol raises a hand and gently traces the tridimensional scar. "What..? What happened?"
"I was but a young boy," Ezekiel explains. "A young black boy with too many hopes and dreams. At least that's what the older white men believed. They took it upon themselves to remind me that I had no place in their world. I was pulled into an alleyway and attacked by a group of emotionally fragile men. One of them had a belt buckle, a thick metal belt buckle he was not afraid to use. That which you feel is the remaining evidence of his wielding of the belt."
"How old were you?" Carol asks as she continues caressing the skin.
"I was a young lad of ten."
Carol can't help but marvel at the fact that even though Ezekiel has clearly had instances were he could have lost hope, were he had been beaten and left for dead, were he could have decided that all men were evil, he still has a warmth and care within him that they couldn't take away. She's not sure if it's because of his strength or his resolution in seeing the best in everyone, but his humanity has somehow remained intact.
"Scars can either serve to remind us of the cruelty engrained in humans or to bear witness of our survival." Ezekiel turns his body so that he is facing her, her hand still making contact with his warm skin. "I do not pretend to know what you've suffered at the hand of your husband. I do not wish to tell you to forget the torture and pain. I cannot decide for you what your scars will remind you of. What I can do, what I will do if you allow me, is to carry the grief they've left imprinted on your skin and to show you that no matter what you uncover, no matter what we photograph, you are perfect in my eyes."
"You don't know what you'll see." She can't help but say in a broken whisper. "What he's left behind."
"I don't, you are correct." Ezekiel agrees with her. "But I know what I've seen, what I've witnessed every day; you are the most wonderful woman I have ever encountered, flawed as only a human can be yet caring, loving, ethereal. You are the most protective mother, a mother willing to die for her child, for our princess. You are a strong woman willing to stand completely bare in front of strangers to prove that Edward should be behind bars, to show her strength by taking photographs of what he's done so he will never have the opportunity to do it again. You have the purest soul despite the pain and damage and fear. That is what I've seen, that is what makes you irreplaceable to me."
He reaches for the fingers she's left pressed against his skin and gently squeezes them before guiding them up to his lips. "That is what I will always love."
Carol takes a deep breath and lets her eyes slip closed. She's not sure if she is everything that Ezekiel has just said she is but she knows she wants to be. She wants to feel as strong as he sees her, she wants to prevent Ed from doing this to anyone else, and she wants to prove that her scars, her pain, serves to show she has survived it all.
Taking another deep breath, Carol then swallows to push back the tightening feeling on her throat. Finally, she slips her eyes open and gives Ezekiel a nod. She has to take these pictures not because she's being forced to do them but because it will be the first step to regain ownership of her body and soul.
"Do you wish for me to leave the camera in your possession?"
She shakes her head, her curls flying on either side of her face. "Can you take them? There's some I couldn't be able to reach and... I... I trust you."
Ezekiel gives her a tiny smile before nodding and standing up only to reach for the camera. Following his movements, Carol stands up as well though she still fidgets, her fingers quickly finding each other before she forces herself to let go of her hands. The pain and fear are still there, tingling in the back of her mind, but she pushes them away, choosing to focus on Ezekiel's loving gaze instead.
"At your pace." He promises.
"I... I don't know where to start." Carol admits. Should she just peel off her clothes and get it done with? Reveal her whole body in one go?
"We could commence with the less concealable ones."
Carol swallows and gives a tiny nod. Somehow starting with the ones on her face, hands and feet make it much easier to deal with. She pushes back the set of unruly curls that hide her forehead and reveals the long-ago healed scar above her right eye. Ezekiel gives her one last encouraging smile before moving behind his camera to work on focusing what is probably not considered that big of a deal to everyone else.
"He... he slammed my face against the edge of the table." She explains with a tremor in her voice. "Dinner wasn't ready on time and he got mad. I was setting the table and he just snapped."
If she focuses hard enough she can still feel the weight of his hand on her neck as he rapidly pushed her down. A shiver runs through her and her whole body shakes from it. She closes her eyes quickly, trying to forget the image of the table's surface fast approaching and flinches when the flash breaks the blackness.
A kiss against her cold skin catches her off-guard and makes her jump in her place, her eyes slamming open. It's just the soft press of Ezekiel's equally soft lips against the scar on her forehead, but she hadn't been expecting it.
"Forgive me. I didn't mean to startle you."
"No, it's okay," Carol assures him. "Just... caught me off guard."
Slowly he approaches again, once more giving her ample time to move away if she wants to. Carol remains in her spot though, waiting with bated breath for the contact of his lips against her skin, waiting for the salve that will heal the invisible sore that has festered for years even when the wound has healed.
She stretches her arms just enough to offer her hands for him to inspect with his camera. Again, the injuries could easily be explained as simply slightly weird fingers but she knows better. She knows Ed slammed the cover of the piano over and over her fingers, keeping her hand in place by forcing it against the keys with one of his own. Now, her fingers look slightly crooked, not enough for others to notice, but enough to paint a tiny portion of the picture of Ed's cruelty.
When Ezekiel is done taking the picture of her fingers he once more presses his lips to the digits, hoping to ease whatever ghost of pain has been left behind.
Carol then turns her right hand over and raises her long sleeve to show a series of five ridges on the soft part of her arm. "Knife wounds." She explains as the flash once more lights the room. She flinches once again, though this time not as sharply. "He wanted to see if his knife was sharp enough."
Ezekiel yet again places a kiss on the offending marks, his lips lingering on the slightly whiter lines. Carol swallows as the feel of his breath against her skin makes her shiver. She quickly forces herself to focus.
Her feet are next so she sits on the sofa to not tower above him. She'd never had beautiful feet, at least not to the untrained eye. As a ballerina, most of her craft had been dependent on the strength of her feet to stand on tiptoes for long, grueling hours. Now, years later, she still has ballerina's feet but they were now accompanied by slightly bent bones that haven't quite properly healed and still give her problems on cold nights. Ed had been particularly cruel, twisting and breaking broke and ligaments so that she wouldn't dance again. It had all been explained away as part of her craft but she'd had to be the clumsiest ballerina to end with the feet she now had.
"Don't kiss those." She quickly interjects after he's taken the picture and before he can lean down to press his lips to her skin.
Ezekiel tilts his head slightly in question. "Why not?"
Carol scrunches her nose and gives him a little shrug. "They are feet... ugly feet."
"Strong feet that carried you on the stage, that sustained you during turns and jumps. Feet that held their ground as Ed tried to get through you to Sophia. Feet that walked you towards the zoo and into my life. Strong feet that aided your escape from pain and suffering." He explains as he lifts first one foot then the other and places the smallest of kisses on them, his beard tickling her and making her squirm just a little.
She's not capable of laughing, not with the huge weight that settles on her chest, but she does crack a tiny smile at his antics.
After Ezekiel gently places her feet on the floor, he moves to pick up his camera once more. He doesn't say a word but Carol doesn't need him to tell her what comes next. Now comes the hard part; showing off the scars that had remained hidden, the scars that Ed had left behind in places no one could see. Scars that showed his real cruelty.
Leaning forward, Carol lets her hair fall around her face as her hands rise to feel around her scalp. It doesn't take her long to find the scar but she's not sure if he will be able to see it. "I got out of the shower one day. We used to have one of those showers that had a built-in tub. He caught a glimpse of me and told me I was getting fat. Next thing I knew he was slamming me backward. I caught the end of the tub and cracked my head open."
"I see it," Ezekiel assures her before quickly snapping the picture. No sooner has the light of the flash dissipated that she feels his kiss. She shivers and waits until he has moved away before rising from the sofa.
Carol reaches for the ends of her blouse, taking in a deep breath as she pauses before taking it off. She knows what awaits beneath the cloth; the scatter of marks over her belly and back. When she opens her eyes she finds Ezekiel looking at her with pride in his eyes. He is proud of her even though she hasn't revealed the worst yet, he's proud of her for just trying. It blows her away and gives her the final push that she needs. Swiftly she pulls the shirt over.
For as much strength as she had seemed to have, Carol quickly curls against herself. She knows her hesitation is normal; not only is she undressing in front of a man who makes her heart race but she's also bearing a body that has been poked and prodded and marked. A big part of her wants to close her eyes and simply let him take the picture he needs. The tiny part of her that needs to see his reaction to her body, however, makes her stare at him.
Slowly, Carol uncurls as Ezekiel waits for her to be ready. She can feel her body shaking but the tremor is nothing compared to what she'd first experienced. She bares her belly to him first. At first glance it is easy to see the burns left behind by his cigarettes; a series of small circular scars that rise from beside her belly button up to her left breast. They served to remind her of the times Ed had felt like being cruel but had not wanted to get up from his sofa. He'd simply wait until she was walking by before quickly putting out his cigarette on her. Besides the cigarette burns are thin stripes of scars where he'd delighted in making her feel pain by pressing the tip of the knife against her flesh and dragging it downward, upward or from side to side. They were faint, most of them not going too deep but still remained visible especially if the light caught them just right.
On her right side was a scar that is very similar to Ezekiel's knife wound. He takes a picture of it then gently smooths his fingers over it. His touch is almost reverent. "Knife." He declares without her needing to explain. Once the picture has been taken, Ezekiel presses his lips to every burn mark and knife line then lingers by pressing his forehead to the knife wound scar.
"You are alive," He whispers. Carol isn't sure if she's hearing correctly, but it almost sounds like Ezekiel is thanking whoever might hear him for sparing her life.
"I am." She agrees with him.
When he pulls his forehead away it is quickly replaced by the softest of kisses against her tighten skin. Carol takes the chance to catch one of his dreads between her fingers, groundling herself once more.
When Ezekiel pulls away, brushing his tears, Carol pulls at the straps of her brassiere. She doesn't take it off but she uncovers enough of her creamy skin that Ezekiel can see another constellation of circular scars. More cigarette burns. She's been good at hiding them until then but they are now out in the open and with the flash of the light they are forever captured for the jury to see at a later date.
Another scar catches his attention and he takes a picture of it. It's not gnarly but it isn't a fine scar like the ones created by the knife. He places a kiss to the top of her collar bone, right over the scar, before asking her how she got it. "I don't remember exactly. I think he threw me against the kitchen counter and I busted my collarbone. When I complained of the pain he pushed against the bone with his knuckles. The bone pierced through."
As if to chase away her pain yet again, Ezekiel places a second kiss against her collarbone; this time lingering a little bit longer as a single tear falls down Carol's cheek. "You are safe here." He reminds her.
Carol gives a tearful nod as her chin quivers. Why does he have to be so tender? Why is he not appalled and disgusted by what she's shown him?
After rearranging the straps of her bra, Carol takes another deep breath and slowly turns so that her back faces him. It's been a while since she's seen the scars back there, but she knows what he's seeing. She hears a sharp intake of breath before hearing him sniffle.
Is he crying?
She turns to look over her shoulder but Ezekiel has the camera near his face and she can't quite see him. Looking away, she lets her head hang in defeat.
Ed had loved to whip her. Whether it was with a wooden spoon from the kitchen counter whenever she didn't make food he liked or his belt. It didn't matter to him as long as she was in pain. While the spoon left an imprint that eventually faded away, the belt was a whole different story. He would occasionally hit her with the leather part but most was done with the buckle. There is mark after mark, some having healed with the shape of the buckle and some that were just reddish lines on her back.
Meticulously, Ezekiel takes pictures of her back as a whole and then more detailed pictures of each scar. It is only after he's finished kissing the belt buckle scars that he finds one of the things that shame her the most. She can feel his hand trembling as he pushes down the top of the jean's waist to get a better view and feels his gaze as he studies the markings. She knows what he's seeing, can still feel the knife cutting deep into her skin as Ed pushed his knee against her back to keep her down, can still hear the echoes of her agony filled screams.
With a flash of the camera, the carved words on her lower back become evidence. "He was so angry that night. We'd gone to some work dinner and he thought I had been flirting with the waiter and one of his coworkers. When we got home he punched me, told me I was a worthless whore then proceeded to brand me. He said no one would ever want to have sex with me facing them and that the only way they could stomach it, like him, was if I was turned away. He said... he said he wanted all of them to see that I was a whore, so he wrote it where they could see it while we fucked."
She can hear Ezekiel's breathing grow harder as he leans in for the kiss that will take away Ed's emotional cruelty. It has affected him as much as it had affected her. She's very sure that he's never seen the scars of someone digging into your skin to carve the words 'Ed's whore'. It is normal, at least to her, that he is affected by it but she worries that his empathy will fill him with anger. The last thing she wants is for him to suffer in her name.
She turns her body so that the words are hidden to him. He's not looking at her, his head tipped down, his camera barely held by his trembling fingers. "Ezekiel?"
"Are you all right?" She asks when he doesn't react to her calling his name.
"I have never been consumed by so much rage." He admits to her in a low voice. It's not threatening, at least not to her, but it does show the anger that is starting to build within him. "If he were to stand before me I would have already struck him down."
"Don't, please." She begs as she moves to kneel in front of him. She raises his face so that he will look at her and finds his eyes sparkling with unshed tears. "He's done enough. Promise me you will not hit him if you ever see him. He will use it against you, against Sophia and me."
The realization shines in Ezekiel's eyes and he gives her a sharp yet controlled nod of the head. She knows that he doesn't want to hurt her cause and he will do as promised, but she also doesn't want him to hold on to the anger, to let it fester inside of him until it changes his very soul. She couldn't bear it if he ends up hurt for helping her, for loving her.
"Let's just finish the pictures." Carol urges. She wants it done, she wants to move on from it and give Michonne whatever she needs. Nothing she does will ever get rid of the scars that litter her body but at least they will not continue to be a secret she feels she has to hide.
With a little coaxing, Ezekiel agrees with her though his movements are slow and sloppy. She knows he is hurting for her. Knowing about her husband's cruelty is one thing but seeing the marks left behind is something completely different. She aches to do something for him, something that will bring back the easy-going smile he always tends to have, but she's not sure exactly what she can do.
In silence, she stands to unbutton her jeans and lowers them quickly. Ezekiel continues taking pictures, caressing every one of her scars and pressing a kiss to her skin. She has scars on her thighs and hips from knives and cigarette burns but nothing as harrowing as what he'd just witnessed, except for one. He pays special attention to the scar that goes from the side of her leg to her inner thigh; it's grown faint by the years and tight from healing but somehow she doesn't have to tell him how she got it for him to understand how painful it had been to get it. She doesn't have to tell him it had been another souvenir of the night Ed had marked her with his name.
Ezekiel places a kiss there as well then presses his forehead against her belly, his arms going around her body. Her hand instantly goes to the top of his head, her fingers gently caressing the spots between his dreads. They don't say a word, simply remain in that position for what feels like a lifetime
"Ezekiel?." Carol breaks the spell with a soft whisper. "Do you remember what you told me before you started taking the pictures? About how scars could be either a reminder of the horrors or evidence we survived?"
She waits until she feels Ezekiel nod against her belly before continuing.
"You were right. I… I don't want to remember the horror, I want to move past it. You are helping me move past it and I don't think I've told you how grateful I am that you are, that you took Sophia and me in and are helping us every step of the way."
She feels Ezekiel pull back but he only does so he can press his chin against the softness of her belly. With the new position, Carol can see Ezekiel's chocolate eyes clearly. "Thank you."
"You have nothing to thank me for, Carol." He assures her.
Leaning down Carol presses her lips against his in yet another soft kiss. Instead of letting it just be a peck she remains lingering and simply enjoying the moment. Tonight has been a night of healing and kisses, something she hadn't thought would happen during the day when she'd been dreading nighttime. Yet, it had happened and she wasn't going to deny it.
Ezekiel hadn't pulled away from her, hadn't looked at her with disgust, hadn't thought she deserved the marks Ed had left behind. On the contrary, he'd wanted to erase them, wanted to kiss her pain away while never pushing her into something else, he even felt pain for her and not the kind that was laced with pity. In that instant, she realizes that whatever is growing within them, despite it happening quickly, is something she wants to hold on to. The love Ezekiel gives her, the love she feels growing every second, is pure and real and not something she needs to run away from but run towards. She wants to run towards it.
Carol knows she can spend all night kissing Ezekiel and she would have if it wasn't for little Shiva letting them know she was quite displeased with not having access to her favorite companion; Sophia. Carol can't help but let out a smile against Ezekiel's lips when she hears his groan. There is no doubt in her mind that he would have spent all night kissing her as well if he'd been allowed to.
"Get her sorted out, I'll go get dressed for bed." Carol urges
Ezekiel gives her another kiss once he stands up which she follows by one of her own. Eventually, he leaves her as she picks up her discarded clothes, folding them then pressing them to her chest.
By the time she makes it to his bedroom, Ezekiel is already inside, arguing with Shiva through whispers. Sophia, completely oblivious, has taken over most of the bed in her sleep but it seems the tiger cub wants nothing more than to snuggle against the toddler despite having her den to sleep in. Deciding to let Ezekiel deal with the tiger, Carol shakes her head in amusement and makes a beeline to the adjacent bathroom.
In silence, Carol reaches for the pajamas she's been using. She lets her fingers caress the softness of the material before putting it on. She takes her time in covering herself, her eyes sweeping over the scars as the material conceals them. Gone is her urgency to cover them up, to hide them from the world as if it was her fault she had them in the first place. Perhaps the feeling of empowerment is momentary but she rejoices in the fact that for the first time she's seeing the scars and she's not thinking of them as anything but evidence her strength and survival. When she has finished dressing she washes her face and teeth before opening the door.
"She is asleep, dear one." She hears Ezekiel try and reason with Shiva whom he holds in his arms. Shiva has no interest in reasoning and she wiggles in his embrace, letting out tiny growls of displeasure. In the end, Shiva wins and is gently placed on the bed beside a still asleep Sophia who turns and drapes an arm over the tiny tiger.
Ezekiel feigns disapproval and places his hands on his hips. A smirk slowly appears on his face. "The ladies in my life have me wrapped around their fingers."
Carol gives a low giggle before letting her eyes settle on her daughter. Sophia is completely oblivious to all that has happened, especially to the revisiting of the horrors Ed had put them through. She's safe in bed, warm and happy, sleeping with a tiny smile on her face. It means the world to Carol that she's able to sleep without worry that her mother will be killed throughout the night.
"You wouldn't have it any other way," Carol reminds him before making her way to her side of the bed.
She watches silently as Ezekiel nods before leaning down to hover over the small pair. He ruffles Shiva's head, playing with her ears, before leaning down to kiss Sophia's forehead. "Sweet dreams, my precious Princess." He whispers to her before placing another kiss on one of Sophia's hands.
Carol knows that Ezekiel will now leave them to sleep. He will retire for the night and make a bed on the sofa. The usual pang of guilt for making him sleep uncomfortably inundates her. Ezekiel is a gentleman and has said nothing about being uncomfortable despite having slept on the sofa for more than a month but she knows that his body is starting to feel the stress of the cramped area. She's caught him once or twice rubbing at his lower back and neck. Knowing he's willing to put himself through uncomfortable sleep every night to ensure Sophia and her comfort only makes her love him more.
Another pang, one that is less usual, follows suit and surprises Carol. The sudden need to have him close, to feel his arms around her grabs holds of her heart and squeezes painfully. She almost can't breathe.
Should she ask him to stay with them? Should she ask him to share his bed with them?
Looking at him as Ezekiel approaches, Carol quickly reaches for his hand, securing him to her. He raises their intertwined hands and places a soft kiss on her fingers. "I bid you a good night and sweet dreams, Lady Carol."
"Lady?" She asks, unable to stop herself from teasing him, wanting to prolong time so that he doesn't leave them, doesn't leave her. "I thought you said that didn't fit me."
Ezekiel's eyes widen. She's not sure what he is thinking but he seems amused by her words. "It is not nearly enough to describe what you mean to me, milady. However, I do not wish to push you into something you are not comfortable with, as I had previously mentioned. For now, Lady Carol, and until you give your permission to call you more, you shall remain milady."
Carol licks her lip and looks up into his eyes. He's slightly taller than her, not enough to tower over her but enough so that she has to tilt her head back. Somehow the adjustment she must do feels natural and fills her with a warmth she would usually push back. She doesn't want to push it back though, she wants to let it envelop her completely. She doesn't want to be afraid or unsure anymore. She wants to enjoy the connection they've made, she wants to explore the love growing between them, she wants to remain by his side for as long as he will have her.
She shakes her head at him before she purses her lips so that he will kiss her. Catching her drift, Ezekiel leans down, raises a hand to gently cup her neck and cheek and guides their lips together. Hesitantly, Carol parts her lips and deepens their kiss, pressing herself against him. She wants him as close to her as she can have him.
When they part she instantly feels worry settle in the pit of her stomach. She knows that it is the moment to let him know she's ready for more, that she aches for more. Surprisingly, she's not worried that the will deny her but that she will not have the courage to request what she wants for most.
"Something worries you," Ezekiel notes as his thump sweeps back and forth over her cheek.
Carol doesn't deny it, as she normally would, instead, she leans against his warm hand and nods.
"What is it?"
Her throat clenches to stop the words from coming out but she fights against the feeling with everything she has. "Can… can you.. stay with us… with me?"
Ezekiel seems as surprised to hear her ask for him to stay as she feels for having asked. He snaps out of it quickly though, giving her a grin and a nod. "Whatever milady needs I shall provide." He promises.
With the promise that he will be back after a quick change, Carol turns to the bed once more. Just as she had noted, Sophia occupies more than her noted half of the bed but with her turning to cuddle against Shiva she's given them a little bit more space to work with. It will probably be a tight fit but Carol doesn't mind as long as Ezekiel is comfortable with it.
No sooner has she finished turning the bedsheets and sliding in, that Ezekiel appears at the doorway. He's changed into his pajamas which are simply cotton pants and a sleeveless t-shirt he usually puts on in the mornings. There is no doubt in her mind that he's wearing it now for her benefit, probably not wanting her to think that he's taking advantage of the situation by arriving bare-chested. She says nothing about it and instead brings up the lack of space. "Sorry, Sophia likes to spread out when she's sleeping. I think we can still fit though."
Ezekiel shakes his head letting her know that she has nothing to feel sorry about. "Mother always used to say that things could fit in the narrowest of space if they were meant to be. She was a wise woman, wise beyond what should be humanly possible. For all the years I have walked this earth I have never been able to prove her wrong. Tonight I know will not be the night I do so. If it's meant to be then I believe we will comfortably fit."
He waits for Carol to find her place on the bed before turning off the light, finding the bed in the semi-darkness and slipping in beside her. Carol's whole body stiffens instantly for she isn't used to sharing her bed with someone who will not hurt her, other than with Sophia. She notes that he's left some space between them and she knows that it is for her benefit. Ezekiel is truly a gentleman, the kind that is hard to find, but she's afraid that in his need to give her space he'll end up falling off the bed in the middle of the night.
"Fear not, milady. I have gotten used to sleeping in narrow spaces and shall not find myself rolling off in the middle of the night." He assures her or at least tries to because Carol is still worried. She worries because she knows Sophia will eventually move in her sleep and she's not quite sure how they'll wake up. For all she knows, Sophia will end up with her feet where her head is supposed to be, or laying with arms and legs sprawled out. Plus now with the tiger cub, she's afraid they'll end up hanging on to the edge of the mattress instead of sleeping.
"You don't… you don't have to stay." She offers as she looks over her shoulder. In the dark, she can barely make the silhouette of his face but its enough to reassure her that he is there, that this is real.
"I don't," Ezekiel agrees with her. "But I wish to. I would remain by your side every second of every day if I could."
Carol swallows visibly though he probably can't see it and takes in a deep breath which she slowly lets out. She closes her eyes against the insecurity that threatens to consume her and instead focuses on the feel of his proximity. She wishes he could be closer, holding her, protecting her and letting her feel his love through his simple touch like he'd done when they'd been taking the pictures. Maybe she's being selfish for wanting more but she can't help it. Not wanting to waste another second debating whether she should or shouldn't, Carol pushes herself back just a little, enough for him to know that he can hold her. She waits with bated breath to see what he will do.
A second later she feels the warmth of Ezekiel's hand on her hip. It's hesitant, the ghost of a touch but it is enough for her to relax a little.
"Is this acceptable?" Ezekiel asks near her ear. After she knows he slowly presses his hand fully against her hip then lets it slide over her waist, settling in the curb created by her body resting on its side. Subconsciously, Carol snuggles back until she is pressed against his chest, their bodies spooning together. It is only then that she finally relaxes fully, sinking into the mattress and the warmth of Ezekiel's body.
"Thank you," she whispers.
Besides her, Sophia wiggles a little before being settled by Shiva's soft chuffing noises. She can't help but smile, even Ezekiel lets out a soft chuckle. They are starting to feel like a family and though the thought had onced trilled and worried her in equal measures, Carol now finds herself marveling at how easy it all seems to be coming togeher.
Ready to sleep, tiredness taking over her body and making her limbs heavy, Carol truly feels at peace despite what she'd just put herself thru. She feels Ezekiel settling in as well, pulling her body a little bit closer to his. Her hand finds his against and she intertwines their fingers, pulling their clasped hands against her chest, securing them together.
"Ezekiel?" She asks just as she's about to nod off.
She hears Ezekiel give a soft hum in reply, no doubt in the middle of falling asleep as well before answering. "Yes, Lady Carol?" He asks sleepily.
"I think I would like to be your Queen." She whispers. "If you still want to call me that."
Ezekiel presses a soft kiss to the back of her neck in reply. "There is nothing that would make me happier, my Queen."
Before she can tell him how happy it makes her as well, sleep pulls her under, lulled by the soft chuffing noises, Ezekiel's warmth and the love that blossoms deep within her.
