I sit on the outdoor loveseat with my arms wrapped tightly around Tobias and my head resting on his hard chest. My naked feet are tucked underneath me as I stare into the blue and orange flames in the fire pit as they lightly dance on the gentle, warm summer breeze. We haven't said a single word to each other in about an hour. He's leaving me to my thoughts, and I'm leaving him to his but I'm not sure it's a good thing. We should be talking about this but with us both so steadfast in our decisions, a conversation could devolve into a fight, and I know neither of us want that.
"You really don't want another baby with me?" I quietly ask, my voice small, finally breaking the deafening silence. When he doesn't answer, I unwrap myself from his embrace and sit cross-legged next to him. He turns his body and rests his arm on the back of the loveseat behind me so we can look each other in the eye. I watch him struggle with his answer.
"Not if it puts your life at risk, love," he finally says, "no."
"Tobias, I love how much you love me but you do realize that I put my life at risk on a daily basis just by walking out our front door," I say then chuckle humorlessly. "We live in a faction where we routinely jump on and off trains."
"If you died jumping on a train it wouldn't be my fault," he says. "If you died because I got you pregnant, I couldn't live with myself."
"I know you," I say as I reach out and caress his stubbled chin. "If something were to happen to me, you would find a way to blame yourself no matter what."
"You do have a point there. I'll give you that," he says with a sigh.
"We aren't getting anywhere, are we?"
"Not really," he says. "Tell me something, have you been thinking about this a lot lately? You haven't said a single word about wanting another baby until today."
"Not a lot but every once in a while, it would cross my mind," I say. "I think about another baby each time one of the girls reaches a milestone but until today, I thought it was just too soon. But when I got to thinking about it during the movie, I realized now is the perfect time. Tyler would be 5, Tessa would be 3, and Teagan would be 2 if we got pregnant right away." I sigh knowing that I might never get to hold another baby who has his or her father's eyes and tears well up in mine. I reach up and wipe them away before they can fall, hoping to hide them from him but I fail.
"I hate not giving you what you want the moment you ask for it," he says, pain audible in his voice as he cups my cheek and wipes the dampness away with his thumb. I can't help but lean into his palm. "It tears my heart out, love. I never want to see pain in your eyes put there by me like there is now."
"But?" I say, sensing he has more to say.
"I can't get past the fact that having another baby puts your life at risk," he says. "You're right, we live in such unpredictable times. You don't know how much I want to just lock you and the kids away so that I know you'll always be safe. I wouldn't survive without you. Maybe you forgot about my worst fear." Images of that gut-wrenching fear landscape play in my mind like a bad movie and I shudder.
"I haven't forgotten," I say. "I lived it, too."
"Then how could you want to take yourself away from me, away from the kids?"
"I don't," I emphatically say. "Do you really think that?" He stares into my eyes with an intensity I don't quite understand.
"What I can't wrap my head around is that you know what could happen but you're willing to take the risk. Do you find something … missing in our life? I thought we were happy, Tris."
"I am happy, Tobias. We are happy. Never ever doubt that," I say, leaning up and softly pressing my lips to his. We sigh into each other's mouths before I pull away. "I have a wonderful, hectic, fulfilling, chaotic life that I find myself loving more and more each day. I have the three most beautiful, loveable, smart, funny children who keep me on my toes. I can't describe the depth of my feelings for them but I knew I would never be the same the moment you gently laid Tessa in my arms. I felt unconditional love for the first time in that moment. And then there's you." I caress his cheek and smile warmly at the man I vowed to love for the rest of my life, in good times and bad and I do. "Each day I wake up more in love with you than the last and wonder how in the world I got so lucky. You are the other half of my heart, baby, and I thank God each day that he led me to you. I don't want to have another baby because something is missing, Tobias. I want another baby to add to the joy we already have. I think that's a risk worth taking." He looks at me for a moment then turns his eyes to the fire pit. I watch him watch the dancing flames and wonder what he's thinking about. When I can no longer stand the silence I say, "You're awfully quiet. I don't want this silence to turn into a rift between us."
"I'm thinking about what you just said," he murmurs, still not looking my way. "You're right, our life if damned near perfect, and I've never been happier." His deep indigo eyes finally meet mine, and his emotions are unreadable, which sets my heart to racing in my chest. "Each night after we kiss goodnight, I watch you sleep and wonder how I'll ever be able to love you more than I do in that moment but unbelievably the next night … I do." He glides the backs of his knuckles up my jawline, leaving a trail of heat on my sensitive skin. "You are hands down the best thing that ever happened to me, and I will do everything in my power to keep you safe, happy, satisfied, and loved each day of our lives.
"Not only am I blessed to have you as my wife but my children are extremely fortunate to have you as their mother. As you know, I didn't have the best role models growing up. Because of that, I really didn't know what a mother or a father was supposed to look like, how they were supposed to act, and how they were supposed to love." The breeze picks up a bit and blows my hair across my face, and he reaches across the open space and lovingly tucks it behind my ears. "But because of you, my kids will never know anything other than a kind word and a gentle touch," his bottom lips quivers and moisture glistens in his eyes, "and for that you have no idea how grateful I am. I can see where you're coming from now."
"Are you saying we can try to have a baby?" I ask, trying not to get my hopes up.
"What I'm saying is that I'll think about it and really consider your wishes," he says. "It's the best I can promise right now. I may understand but I still don't agree." It's better than the straight out no I got earlier. I throw myself into his arms and knock him back on the loveseat, landing on top of him. My lips find his, and I kiss him passionately.
"I promise to consider your feelings, too," I pant against his mouth as my fingers fist into his hair. I feel his hands run the length of my back again and again, never settling in one place. "I love that you're willing to think about it."
"I can tell," he murmurs, never taking his lips off mine. I suddenly pull away and stare down at him.
"I am so sorry, Tobias," I say and confusion fills his features. "I'm sorry that this evening hasn't turned out the way either of us expected. I'm sorry that I walked away from you. I'm sorry about the crack about making love; that was totally uncalled for and juvenile. I'm sorry that I hurt you." He manages to sit us both upright, and I wrap my arms around his neck as he rests his hands on my hips. "I know I should have just talked to you instead of walking away to get some air. I just needed time to think, and sometimes I have a hard time thinking straight when I'm around you. I know it sounds like an excuse but it's the truth." He takes a deep breath then exhales slowly.
"I hate when you walk away from our problems. Up here," he touches his temple, "I know you're not running away from me but here," he touches his heart, "it feels like you're abandoning me when I need you the most." His words are like a rusty knife to my aching heart.
"My first inclination is to get as far away as possible from whatever stressful situation I'm facing. I'm not sure why and I'm not sure it will ever change," I say, forcing myself to look in his sad eyes, although it's the hardest thing I've had to do today. "This may sound horrible but most of the time your feelings don't even cross my mind when I walk away. I'm just trying to gather my thoughts. But if I'm being completely honest there are times that I know exactly what I'm doing and I want to hurt you as much as you're hurting me." Silent tears stream down my face. "I'm so sorry, Tobias. Using your … insecurities against you is unforgivable." He touches his forehead to mine and closes his eyes.
"The next time we argue, love, remember how you're feeling right now so maybe you will consider my feelings and think twice before walking away from me," he says. Shit! I hurt him … bad.
"I didn't mean to hurt you by telling you that," I say.
"Never apologize for telling me the truth, love," he says. "I understand the need to think. We all need to think through situations from time to time, especially tough ones. I just wish you would tell me that you need a few minutes to think instead of just walking away. Not only does it piss me off but it hurts."
"I'm really sorry," I murmur. "I love you so much and hurting you is the last thing I want to do."
"It's been a rough evening," he says.
"Yes, it has," I say. "Is there something I can do to make it up to you?" The corners of his lips twitch, trying to hide a smile and he clears his throat.
"I could think of a couple things … if you're in the mood," he huskily says.
"Oh, I'm definitely in the mood," I say. He wraps his arms around me, and I tighten my embrace around his neck. Just as my lips meet his in a fiery kiss, my stomach grumbles loudly, and he pulls his mouth from mine and laughs his deep belly laugh I love, which I didn't think I would be hearing tonight.
"I better get you some food," he says. "You're going to need all your strength tonight." Desire blooms deep in my belly at his casual comment, and I know that we're fine … for now. He lowers his hands and grasps my backside roughly. He startles me a bit when he goes to stand. I grasp my arms tighter around his neck and wrap my legs firmly around his waist then he carries me to the kitchen, his lips moving leisurely with mine the entire way. He deposits me on the island and peels himself from my embrace after a particularly enthusiastic kiss that leaves us both breathless.
"What are you going to fix me?" I ask as I stare at my husband's perfect, tight butt as he leans over looking in the refrigerator. He clears his throat and I meet his eyes, which are focused on me.
"Do you like what you see?" he smirks, causing me to blush from head to toe.
"You know I love you in the kitchen," I murmur. He shakes his head.
"How about bacon macaroni and cheese?" he says, pulling a covered baking dish out. My stomach growls again and my mouth waters remembering the delectable comfort food he made last night.
"Sounds wonderful," I say as I hop down to my feet. "What can I help you with?" He glances over his shoulder, giving me a disapproving look. He puts the dish on the counter then turns back to me.
"You sit here," he says as he puts me back on the island. I grab him and pull him to me.
"I love you," I say.
"I love you," he says. It's obvious he means what he's saying. The proof is shining back at me in his eyes. "Let me get you some food."
"Are you going to eat with me?" I ask as he dishes up a generous portion and puts it in the microwave on high.
"Yeah. I didn't eat much earlier either."
"I noticed," I say somewhat somberly.
"Hey," he says and my eyes meet his. "No more discussing, fighting, or talking about babies tonight. I promised I would think about it."
"I appreciate that," I say as I give him a quick peck. "That's not what I was thinking about though. We have the power to really hurt each other, don't we?"
"I swear, you're the only person who could ever truly hurt me, love," he says.
"Do we give each other too much power over the other?" He furrows his brows at me then finally his face smoothes out.
"I don't think so," he says. "We just love each other. I'm sorry I hurt you. I hate when I'm the one who causes you pain. I'd rather tear out my own heart than put tears in your eyes." He's lowering his mouth to mine when the microwave timer buzzer indicates our late-night snack is warm and he closes his eyes and cusses. He moves his mouth to my ear and says, "I can't wait to get my hands on you," which takes my breath away.
"I can't wait either," I murmur. He gets the mac and cheese out and sets it down beside me then gets two forks out of the drawer and hands me one. When I go to take a bite, he slides the bowl out of my reach and frowns.
"What are you doing?" I can't help the way I look at him.
"What do you mean, what am I doing? I'm getting a bite," I say. He shakes his head, never taking his eyes off mine and stabs some pasta onto his fork then holds it out in front of me. He puckers his beautiful lips and blows on it, cooling it so I don't burn my tongue, and I suddenly find myself aching badly for him. I squeeze my thighs together firmly and squirm a little but it does nothing to relieve this throbbing want. Keeping my eyes on his, I open my mouth, and he slides the forkful in and gives me the bite. I moan as the comforting flavors explode on my tongue. I can't get enough of the smoky cheese and salty bacon. He's such a damn good cook. I need to remember to thank Hana for teaching him so well. I pick up my fork, now knowing what he expects and while I swallow my bite down, I spoon up a little for him. I hold it up in front of my pursed lips, and as I blow the steam away, his eyes dilate nearly onyx in the dim kitchen light. We take turns feeding each other small bites. We say nothing, we just enjoy the erotic electricity buzzing about in the air as we continue the snack.
There's something about him in the kitchen that does strange things to my libido. I want him, and I want him now and he's not even cooking. I set my fork in the nearly empty bowl and hop down from the island. I take Tobias' fork from him and toss it with mine then I very boldly lift my shirt up and take it off over my head. His eyes bug out for a moment as he stares at my nearly naked chest then he finally catches up with my mood. I'm not waiting any longer. He very slowly moves his fingers to the hem of his tight-fitting shirt and works it up his body. I watch as first his sculpted abs, then his chiseled torso, his well-defined pecks, and finally his strong shoulders are revealed to my greedy eyes. He tosses his shirt down with mine and I pounce. The garment barely leaves his fingertips as I throw myself in his arms.
"Let's go to bed," he murmurs against my neck as my fingers furiously work the buttons of his button fly jeans. His hard bulge pulsates below my nimble fingers and my breath hitches in my throat.
"Oh no, baby," I say as I place sporadic kisses on his bare chest, not recognizing the hedonistic tone of my own voice. "I want you right here in the kitchen." He growls as I slide his tight-fitting jeans and tiny boxer briefs over his lean hips, freeing his hard length. He leans over and works them the rest of the way off with my help then kicks them to the side. I take a step back and admire my virile man who is now standing in all his naked glory in the middle of my kitchen and desire spears through to my core. I dart my tongue out and quickly wet my parched lips as I stare at him in the subtle white glow coming from the single bulb above the stove. "You're perfect, Tobias Eaton." I'm not sure why but my voice sounds pained. "I want you … so much."
"You've got me, love," he murmurs, his voice full of want. I close the short distance between us then slowly sink to my knees before him, not taking my eyes off his.
"I want to taste you, baby." I take him in my hand, my gaze never leaving his, and lick up his still stiffening shaft with the very tip of my tongue from root to tip. I don't know how he can get any harder or fuller but he does. He moans loudly as I continue my intimate assault. I smile up at him and kiss his manhood tenderly, easily running my tight fist up and down his length with the aid of my wet kisses. He whispers a hushed expletive then drags me up his body until I'm in his arms and his mouth is hungrily devouring mine, his tongue continually darting between my parted lips to taste mine. "I wasn't done," I pout.
"I need to be inside you right now," he says as his hands make quick work of my jeans and panties. I reach up and unhook my black lacy bra and toss it away just before he lifts me onto the island. The cold quartz sends a shiver down my spine or maybe it's the feel of his expert hands on me. He steps between my wide spread legs and pulls my body to his. As his talented tongue makes sweet love to my mouth I forget all my problems. I forget everything but the feel of his loving hands as they gently slide up and down my back, his hot breath mingling with mine as his gifted tongue glides effortlessly along mine, and his throbbing hardness pressing against my leg. He reaches between us and very slowly and very carefully inserts one long finger into my dripping womanhood. He mutters something that sounds like a prayer as he removes his finger from my most tender flesh and replaces it with his rigid shaft.
He very slowly guides himself inside me inch by incredible inch then stills. He slides the rough tips of his fingers up the sides of my body and then into my hair. He tilts my head just so then his mouth, once again, finds mine. I rest my hands on his hips as we move our lips together slowly at first but it doesn't take long for the passion to bubble up. He nibbles lightly on my bottom lip, making me gasp and as he thrusts his tongue between my parted lips, he begins to move inside me. I rock my hips in rhythm with his, clenching around his impressive length as he drives into me and releasing as he withdraws. He kisses his was down my neck as he pushes into me harder and faster, reading what my body wants perfectly. I wrap my arms around his neck, tangle my fingers in his hair, and throw my head back, giving him unfettered access to my neck and chest.
He suddenly pulls out of me, and I can't help my whine. I absolutely hate the empty feeling he leaves behind. He pulls me down off the island and turns me away from him. He puts his large hand in the center of my back and bends me over as he buries himself in my depths in one swift motion, causing me to cry out in pleasure. He doesn't remain still this time and starts a very satisfying rhythm. I grasp the countertop firmly with both hands and eagerly push back on every one of his calculated thrusts, feeling the familiar race toward some unobtainable summit. He wraps his body around mine and kisses my hair, neck, shoulders, and back as one hand massages a swaying breast and the other finds my throbbing nubbin.
"Oh God!" I hiss between clenched teeth as he roughly rubs the sensitive bundle of nerves in time with our frenzied thrusts. "Baby, I need to see you." The words are barely decipherable but he stops, pulls out of me, drags us to the floor, and I climb on top of him. I reach down and put him at my moist entrance, and he effortlessly slides into me, immediately picking up where we left off. I keep my eyes on his as I ride him hard, my release fast approaching. He suddenly sits up so we are nose to nose, and I wrap myself around him as I drag his mouth to mine. He kisses me with an unrelenting hunger I don't recognize as his hands help me move up and down his impressive length. I pull away and toss my head back, his name on my lips as the first wave of indescribable pleasure rockets through my writhing body. He continues thrusting up into me as I spasm and shudder and clench and shake. He finally buries his head in my hair, thrusts into me just so setting off a whole new round of earth-quaking pleasure, and laments my name over and over as he releases himself inside of me. Damn that was good! After I can move, I sit back a little and look him in the eye. He moves a hand up into my hair and kisses me softly. It's a strange departure from the passionate kisses he was giving me seconds before. "I love you, Tobias."
"I love you, Tris," he says. He hugs me tightly to him, and I feel him stir to life inside me. Again! Lucky me. I kiss his shoulder and chest then trace my name over his heart while he's busy kissing me everywhere and stroking my back gently. "What's this, love?" he murmurs. I look at his face to see what he's talking about and suddenly his entire body tenses. He roughly pulls out of me, making me cry out and turns my right arm so he can see it better in the dim light emanating from above the stove.
"What are you looking at?" I look at my arm then up at him. My heart sinks when I see the tortured look on his beautiful face. "Baby, what is it?" I look back to my arm and finally see what it is he's seeing … four evenly spaced fingertip bruises from where he grabbed me earlier. Fuck!
