Chapter 2

Ed could hear Noah's cries from outside of Olivia's apartment door. Not having a key, but unsure if she heard his knock over the baby's wails, he moved to knock a little bit harder before he heard the jiggling of the locks as his knuckles were about to make contact. The door swung open and he had to stop his jaw from dropping at how disheveled Olivia appeared. Though no less gorgeous, her hair was half falling out of a bun, her worn pink colored t-shirt had what seemed to be spit up stains down the front, and one of the sleeves hung off her shoulder revealing a gray cotton, lacy bra strap. In any other circumstance, Ed would tease her. But the exhaustion and frustration on her face made him quickly forget her appearance and go into "helper" mode.

"I brought food," he said simply, holding up a bag of take-out.

"Thank you," Olivia gushed, hurrying him into the apartment and kicking aside rattles, dirty burp cloths, and squeaking toys so he didn't trip. "Though, it's possible you'll want to drop it and run." Her tone was sarcastic, but had a hint of truth to it.

Ed placed the bags on the counter and turned around to survey the place. Olivia had gone over and lifted Noah from his play pen. The little guy's face was red and puffy, saturated with tears as he hiccuped into Olivia's shoulder. He watched as she swayed back and forth, patting his back. "You're okay, baby. Shhh shhh."

Ed scratched his neck, not quite sure what to do. Noah had been with Olivia for a few weeks now and Ed was a regular visitor, usually coming over once a week for dinner and spending a few hours with them on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon when he wasn't working. He did his best to give Olivia space to get used to being a new mother or, technically, foster mother, but the more time they spent together, Ed desperately wanted even more. He got the same sense from Olivia, but she would often suppress it rather than give in. Ed was patient. He knew, with her, he had to be patient and let her go at her own pace. Plus, her life had been one large rollercoaster over the last year or two. She needed time. But despite that truth, she also appeared to want him around.

"I thought maybe he was teething," she explained, her voice slightly strained. "But he doesn't seem to want any of the things all those stupid books tell me to give him for teething…"

She paused to nuzzle Noah's cheek again. "Please, baby boy, it's okay. I'm right here. Calm down."

The cries gradually turned to whimpers, but Ed took note of how congested he sounded beyond the normal post-cry congestion.

"Liv, uh," he said, rubbing his chin. "Ya think it's another sinus infection?"

Olivia bit her lip and shrugged. "Possibly," she said. "You've have had a rough go, haven't you Noah?"

Ed smiled. Watching Olivia Benson as a mother was beautiful. Poetic. And so deserved. Ed, too, had to shove down the thoughts that it could all be temporary. "Wanna call the pediatrician, or wait this one out?"

Olivia hesitated. She refused to be one of those mothers who called with every strange noise her child made. But with Noah, he had actual health issues. She was well aware that even the simplest of colds or infections could turn serious. Olivia had kept him with the same pediatrician he had been with for continuity, at least for the time being. At his last checkup, and the first in which Olivia was the main caregiver, the doctor commended his growth and overall health but noted that his lungs were still slightly congested from his last infection.

"He still shows signs of delayed lung development, low immunity, and a tendency for asthmatic reactions" the doctor explained, "but this is as healthy as I've seen him. Just don't let your guard down."

"Let's just…see how the night goes," Olivia said. "See if he will eat." She passed the baby over to Ed, who immediately checked his gums for potential teething. While he inspected, Olivia dug through the take-out bags. "God I'm hungry," she exclaimed. "I'm not sure…well…I haven't eaten anything all day."

Grabbing plates and silverware, she made quick work setting them up at the counter to eat. Once it was all set and ready, she took Noah and set him in his walker, turning on a few of the toys. Olivia had no sooner sat down and opened the lid to her dinner than Noah let out a loud wail, his arms reaching for her and his face scrunched up into a pathetic pout. Groaning, Olivia let her forehead hit the counter before throwing her napkin down and getting up. She grabbed Noah and cradled him a little bit, swaying back and forth. "Okay, sweet boy, okay. I know you're upset. But I really really need to eat…can you just…ten minutes, Noah. It's all I need."

Ed, having yet to touch his food, stood up to look for the baby carrier Olivia purchased for when she ran errands. As he scanned the room for the item, he finally took in the disarray of the place. Things must have been rough the last few days he thought, beating himself up a little for not checking in more often. Finally seeing the carrier, he went over, adjusted the straps and buckled it around his shoulders and torso.

"Come here, big guy," he whispered, taking the baby from Olivia. He didn't ask, but she gave him over without protest. Ed got him fixed into the carrier and against his chest, before reaching for the red blanket and softly rubbing it against his little cheeks. Slowly Noah began to calm, taking more normal breaths. After a few baby sighs, he seemed perfectly content. Olivia admired the scene, her arms crossed in front of her body, and a grin on her face.

"Never woulda pegged you for a baby whisperer, Ed Tucker," she said teasingly, her mouth contorting into a smirk but her eyes a dead give away at her exhaustion.

"I'm a man of many hidden talents," he quipped back. "Listen, I'll cover the food up and put it in the oven so it stays warm. Why don't you go take a bath or shower, get a few minutes of rest or whatever. I'll hang out here with Noah. And we can eat whenever he goes to sleep, or…well…just whenever."

Olivia ducked her head, but kept an eye on Ed. She should be used to it by now, Ed coming over and playing with Noah, taking them to the park, or just mundanely running errands for her, but something about him standing in front of her with Noah strapped to his chest melted her a tiny bit.

"I…" she stammered a bit, not wanting him to feel obligated to keep Noah, but knowing he wouldn't offer if he wasn't sincere. Plus, she desperately needed a shower. "Thank you…I won't be long."

"Take your time," he whispered. "We'll just have us some male-bonding time."

Rolling her eyes, Olivia kissed Ed's cheek before making her way back to her room and closing the door. Hearing the shower water run, Ed let out a breath and looked around the place.

"Alright No, ya gonna help me clean this place up or what?"


Three hours later, Ed and Olivia finally slogged to the couch with their take-out. Officially ditching the idea of using plates and proper utensils, they dug through the bags for plastic-ware and passed the containers back and forth, sharing the different entrees they ordered. They ate in silence for several minutes before Olivia let out a deep sigh and placed the white plastic bowl on the coffee table, halfway putting the lid on top of it.

"Ya alright?" Ed asked, following suit with his container. He pushed them over to one side and propped his feet up, snaking his arm across the couch and behind Olivia's back.

"I'm just…tired," she said, curling her knees up into her chest but allowing her cheek to rest on Ed's forearm.

"Not easy…bein' a new mom," he said before he could stop himself. They had both been cautious to not use the term "mom" just yet, even though all signs were pointing towards a clear adoption path for Olivia and Noah. "Sorry…" he muttered, unsure how to fix his blunder.

"It's okay," Olivia said, almost with a laugh. "I've…done it myself a few times." She shifted a little bit, leaning back against the arm, but moving her hand to grasp Ed's, which was still resting on the back of the cushion. "I'm just so afraid that it'll…not work out."

Ed listened intently, not taking his eyes off of hers as he watched her fight the tears. Gripping her hand more tightly in his, he offered nothing but listening ears.

"When Calvin…" she began, but shook her head, clearly not in a place to rehash that story. Though Ed knew details of how the boy was taken from her, he wasn't sure he realized until the look on her face in that moment how attached she had been. "I just don't think I can do that again…not with Noah. Not this time…" she whispered, a lone tear making it's way down her cheek.

Olivia's shoulders began to shake and that was all Ed could take. He took his arm down and scooted his body closer to hers. Cupping her face with his hands, he wiped a few tears away, kissed her forehead, and pulled her into his chest.

"I'm right here, Liv," he whispered. "Noah's right here. And for right now…everything's just fine."


It was pushing midnight. Ed and Olivia were still on her couch, only this time they were laughing. Olivia confessed to Ed that she made a Duane Read run for more diapers and because she had Noah's carrier strapped on, she didn't realize her shirt was on backwards and inside out until she got home and realized Noah was chewing on the tag.

"No wonder that clerk kept looking at me funny," she said in between chuckles. Ed just shook his head, the skin around his eyes crinkling a little as he laughed along with her and offered his on anecdote.

"Ah, I remember once I was coming in from grabbing a few things. I had Emma in her carrier, Nate had run ahead to push the elevator button. All of a sudden Nate erupted into laughter. I couldn't figure out why until I looked down and realized with every step I took, the bag of paper towels was hitting the side of Emma's face. Her little nose and mouth were all scrunched up and she was giving me this look of 'what the hell, dad.'"

Olivia had to dab the tears from the laughter off of her face. "Poor baby," she said.

"Really," Ed gruffed. "Her big brother was no help either. It's a wonder she survived childhood."

The room grew quiet as the adults calmed down from their laughter. Olivia reached out to stroke Ed's upper arm. "When's the last time you saw them?"

"Ah, Nate was here a little over a month ago," he recalled.

"Oh, that's right," Olivia murmured. She remembered wondering if she would end up meeting Ed's oldest and feeling a slight disappointment when she wasn't extended the offer, but at that point she wasn't quite sure her and Ed were headed towards something more serious. Ever since she brought Noah home, that had shifted and they both seemed to be on the same page: wanting to make it work, however slow they had to go.

"He brought a couple of friends for a post-graduation trip. I didn't see them all that much, but we had a couple of barbecues on my building's roof," he mused, interrupting Olivia's inner thoughts. "I'll take what I can get."

"Mmmmm," Olivia twisted her lips. "He was, what, fifteen when they moved to California?"

"Sixteen. Emma was two months shy of fifteen."

"Rough ages to move."

"Yeah," Ed scoffed. "No kidding. Their mom and I, well, we had been split up for almost twelve years at that point. I just remember Emma begging Suzanne not to move," he said, his face dropping at the memory. "Begging me, her mother, anyone who would listen. I tried for full custody, but given the hours of my job, well, you'd think the courts woulda listened to her..." Ed trailed off, swallowing hard before continuing. "Nate coulda stayed, but Emma was told she had to go with Suzanne, so he went as well. Joint custody my ass."

They both paused. Olivia wasn't sure if she struck a nerve with Ed. He had always been open about his relationship with his kids, how the divorce and the move unfolded, and how he wished they were closer. He would share stories and pictures, but would also lament how they didn't seem to visit enough, and he was never sure where he fit in their West Coast lives. It was the tone in which he spoke this time that struck Olivia and helped her see just how much he had missed his kids over the last two years. It only served to further humanize the gruff, tough-as-nails Ed Tucker in her eyes and she wanted nothing more than for that to continue.

"I just assumed that I'd see them more. I make as many trips as I can but I miss out on a lot. Can't help but feel as if I just let 'em down constantly."

Olivia kept her grip on Ed's arm and leaned over to catch his eyes. "You're a good dad," she said softly. "And they know that."

Ed took a deep breath and shook his head a little. "Sorry, didn't mean to hijack the conversation," he let out his breath, a small smile returning to his face as he reached out to brush against Olivia's cheek.

"I want you to talk to me, Ed," she said. "I don't know…what exactly is happening here. But I do know that the support goes both ways. If you wanna be here, which I hope you do, then I want you here, and all that comes with you."

"I think you know I wanna be here, Liv," he whispered, twirling a strand of her hair around his fingers. "And I want all that comes with you, too."

The pair let their admission sit in silence. It wasn't uncomfortable, it was just the opposite: a realization that they still wanted the same thing. Ed leaned forward and gave Olivia a soft kiss, backing away slowly but keeping his eyes on hers. She offered him a smile and went back to resting her head on his arm. Correctly sensing she wanted him to keep talking, he continued with a more lighthearted conversation.

"I'm gonna head to San Francisco in a few weeks. Help Nate get moved into his dorm since Suzanne is traveling. Emma's gonna come too. We'll spend the week together, get him set up, then I'll head back here and Emma will…well, go back to L.A." His voice seemed full of life when he spoke about his trip, but it trailed off when he mentioned his daughter retuning to Los Angeles. Olivia could also see a hint of trepidation about how she would react given how much time they had been spending together. But he should've known better.

"Good," she said. "I think you all need that. We'll be just fine here," she assured him. "But Noah may want you to bring him back a present or two…"

Ed smirked and leaned forward, his lips meeting Olivia's in another light, but this time playful kiss.

"I bet I can manage that. Ya gonna be okay without your baby whisperer?" Ed's eyes were teasing as he kept his nose against hers, nuzzling her a bit.

"Oh, I suppose we'll make it," she responded. Suddenly uninterested in talking, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to Ed's, holding his head to hers with both hands. "Mmmmm," she moaned, kissing him some more until he was on his back, her hair hanging down from her face and tickling his cheekbones. After coming up for air, she looked down at the Ed, who had his eyes closed and his lips puckered, waiting for more. She brushed his lips with her fingertips and chuckled as he let out a disappointed groan. "I wish you could stay, but…"

"You have a baby in your room?"

One of the largest smiles Ed had ever seen grew on Olivia's face, causing his heart to nearly burst with joy. "I have a baby in my room…"

"Pretty good excuse there, Benson."

They both shared a chuckle as Olivia sat up, ran her fingers through her hair and licked her lips. Her face, though still smiling, held a hint of regret immediately causing Ed to get serious. "You know that's not why I'm here, Olivia, right? I mean…not that I don't enjoy…ya know…"

She grinned, watching him awkwardly struggle a bit as he tried to figure out how to tell her that he liked sleeping with her but that it wasn't his main objective. She finally let him off the hook. "I know, Ed. And I hope…well, I hope that we will figure this out together, when you're back."

"Absolutely," he said, his blue eyes piercing hers, making sure she understood how serious he was.

"Just, ya know, make sure you actually come back."

"Oh don't you worry about that, Olivia Benson."