Chapter 8
"How long will this take?" Olivia asked, following Jim, the contractor, out of her back bedroom and into the living area where he left the hard notebook he needed to get all the measurements and details written down.
"Well, your room is large. Should be relatively easy to split it down the middle and add a couple doors, creating a small hallway here," he gestured, keeping it simple which Olivia appreciated. "I imagine you'll want a small closet carved out for the second room?"
"Yes," she replied. "And I'd like the molding to match throughout, and fresh paint in the rooms."
"So…four to six weeks," he said, scribbling things down. "We need ya to get board approval from the building, we'll take care of any permits, and can aim to start after the new year."
Olivia shifted from foot to foot and crossed her arms. "I need this done by March at the latest," she said. "I have to have a legal, two bedroom apartment."
Judge Linden had said at the one year mark Olivia could legally adopt Noah. With the help of Trevor Langan, they worked backwards from the proposed May date and made plans to begin filing paperwork, hopeful she would be cleared and able to move forward as soon as possible. Trevor was busy making sure there were no blood relatives in the picture and trying to circumvent any potential curveball, while Olivia was making sure she had everything in order on her end. Her first step, however, was to make sure Noah had a bedroom. Olivia tossed around the idea of moving, but she loved her apartment. It was a secure building, near plenty of parks, and was zoned for good schools. She quickly decided to convert her current place, got a couple of bids, and with Ed's help, selected this company. Once the project was complete, she could file paperwork and set up a series of home visits.
Jim looked up. He didn't show much compassion, but he gave the impression that he understood the importance. "Barring something catastrophic, that won't be a problem," he said. "First few weeks we'll need ya out so we can demo a bit and reconfigure. Once the basic walls are up, you can be here at night at least. Got somewhere to go?"
"I'll figure it out."
"Great," he said, tearing off a copy of his estimate and packing up. "I'll talk to my guys, you get board approval, and we'll go from there."
"Thank you," Olivia said, walking him to the door. Once it was closed, she turned all the locks and leaned her back against it, letting her head fall back and closed her eyes. Nerves fried, she made her way into the kitchen and poured a glass of red wine, checking her messages. She had one from Lucy, indicating she would be bringing Noah back within the hour and two from Ed, asking how the visit went and if he could bring dinner. Olivia sent Lucy a response but waited on Ed's. She collapsed onto her couch and took a big sip of her drink. It had been a little while since she had a quiet apartment, all to herself. She needed a little time to calm her anxiety about the impending project and timeline for Noah's adoption before giving Ed the green light to head over. She took another sip before setting her stemless glass on the coffee table and letting her head fall into her hands.
"Deep breaths, Olivia," she said to herself. "Deep breaths."
"You okay?" Ed finally asked, having noticed something was off with Olivia for the first hour he was over. Noah was holding onto the coffee table, inching his way around and making sure to take each magazine and toss it to the ground before moving to another section. Olivia was content to let him do as he pleased.
"Yeah," she said softly, not diverting her eyes from Noah. "I'm fine. Just tired."
Ed cocked his head to the side and studied her profile. She had scrubbed all of her makeup off before his arrival and had put on her lounge clothes. For Ed, this was his favorite look of hers, completely natural. She was beautiful and each time he got to see her like this, he felt a deep sense of gratitude. But he also felt responsibility, for Olivia did not trust easily, and he was determined not to fuck this up.
"Ya sure?" Ed didn't want to push, but she had been quiet all night. She made small talk over dinner, updating him on the construction timeline, but not offering much more than bare bone information. He quickly got the sense she didn't want to talk about it, that she was overwhelmed, so he shelved the conversation momentarily. But he didn't want to let her stew by herself much longer.
"Yeah," she said again, though this time it came out as an exhausted sigh. "It's just…a lot."
Reaching out to play with a strand of her hair that had falling from its clip, Ed remained silent. He knew enough about Olivia Benson to know not to push hard, that she would talk in her own time.
"Trevor is…digging," she allowed. "Making sure there aren't traces of relatives. And I'm just…on edge. The construction is the least of my worries, I suppose." She quieted for a second and allowed herself to be comforted momentarily by Ed's touch. Letting out a chuckle she gave him a side glance. "Though I will need to purge my closet if its getting cut in half."
"Sure ya don't want them to go ahead and start working?" Ed asked, knowing she was stressed about the timeline, but he also recognized her deep desire to have a normal, first Christmas with her little boy.
"Noah's had a rough enough start," she said. "Who even knows what his actual first Christmas was like." Her voice broke a little bit at her last statement and she quickly reached up to swipe under her eyes. "He would've been…weeks old and, well, God only knows…"
"Listen, Liv," Ed began, but Olivia shook her head.
"Ed, it's okay," she said. "I understand."
"No, let me say this," he said, firm in making sure they were on even ground. "I didn't purposely leave out that I typically spend Christmas Eve with Suzanne and the kids. I was…waiting…for the time to bring it up."
"Ed, I promise it's okay," Olivia said, reaching for his hand and kissing the top of it. "Your kids have to be your priority."
Ed gazed at her for a little bit as she tried to smile and hide the disappointment. He was grateful for her efforts, but it didn't make him feel much better.
"Maybe," he said slowly. "But that doesn't mean you aren't one."
She ran her fingers along the fabric of her couch, eyes following its path. "Not easy," she said softly. "Trying to…do this."
Ed reached out and grasped her hand again, effectively stopping her movement and causing her to finally look up and deep into his eyes. "We can do this, Olivia," he said with a slight desperation in his voice. "We can. It may not be easy, but ya gotta trust this. Trust us."
"Okay," Olivia whispered. "I trust you."
"Carisi…" Olivia said, not attempting to hide the annoyance in her tone. "Just…figure it out."
Sonny nodded and made a hasty exit. Given his bumpy start, the young detective was quick to listen to Olivia and do as she wished. Even Olivia had to admit that Carisi was growing on her and slowly beginning to find a place in her squad. But his annoying tendencies still surfaced, and she was not in the mood to deal with him today.
Once the door closed, she pushed back in her chair and spun around, admiring the couple of photos she had finally placed on her credenza of Noah and then gazed out the windows. They were five days from Christmas. Most of her shopping was done, but nothing was wrapped. She had invited Ed over for the night, hoping they could tackle the wrapping together once Noah was asleep. There had been a subtle tension between the two of them recently, and Olivia couldn't quite put her finger on it. Sure, she was disappointed about Christmas but there was a part of her that was also relieved. Thanksgiving together was one thing, but sharing her first Christmas with Noah seemed like a larger step. Blaming it on the upcoming construction and adoption proceedings, she went ahead and invited him with the hope of smoothing out the underlying worry before they parted for the holiday.
A knock on her door interrupted her thoughts. "Come in," she called, clearing her throat. Amanda Rollins peeked her head in.
"Ya got a sec?"
"Of course," Olivia said, turning her chair back around, but still leaning back as if to present a more casual environment.
Amanda sat down in the chair across from Olivia's desk and leaned forward, playing with her fingers. Olivia let her sit for a little bit, hoping she would reveal why she had popped in, but she never did.
"What's up, Amanda?"
The detective finally looked up. "I was wondering," she began, "if we usually have someone in the office over the holiday, or if people are just on call?"
Olivia shuffled a few folders around on her desk, as she imagined Amanda was about to make a last minute request for time off, which she was unlikely to be able to accommodate.
"I only ask because I know Fin has his son in town, Nick is traveling, Carisi has…family," she said. "And this is your first Christmas with Noah. So, I could be here. Ya know, if someone needs to be."
Olivia paused and finally took a good look at the blonde. Assuming she would either be with her sister, or perhaps even Nick, Olivia hadn't considered that Amanda had no plans. She didn't seem upset, however, and her offer to work felt genuine.
"Rollins, no one has to be here," Olivia said, folding her hands in front of her. "I've got you first on the call-in list, but you don't have to give up your holiday."
Amanda was quiet. Olivia studied her face and leaned back in her chair slightly. "You have plans for the day?"
"Nah," she said. "Keeping my distance for now…"
Olivia chewed her bottom lip, unsure of how to proceed. After years of spending holidays alone and working, Olivia had a deep understanding of how Amanda was feeling. She used to sacrifice her holidays for Elliot each year, and never thought twice about having Chinese food delivered to the precinct that afternoon, despite Cragen insisting she could stay home unless a call came in. This year would be different, and Olivia couldn't help but feel a little selfish with her day. But the more she thought about it, the more she realized that adult interaction later in the evening might be a welcomed activity.
"Well," she said softly and slowly. "If no case comes up, why don't you stop by Christmas Day, maybe that evening. We can have a drink and see if Noah is at all interested in all the things I bought him…"
Amanda looked surprised, but offered a small smile. "Are you sure?"
Olivia just nodded.
"That sounds nice, thanks Liv," she said. "I guess I assumed you would be with Tucker…"
Olivia stiffened at the mention, not going unnoticed by Amanda.
"Everything okay?"
"Of course," she responded. "He'll be in California with his kids."
"Ah," Amanda said, shifting as the room suddenly had a different tone. "Well, I'm gonna head out. See you tomorrow?"
"Absolutely. Goodnight, Detective."
Olivia let out a soft sigh and turned over. The sun was just beginning to rise, sending a soft stream of light into her bedroom. Without opening her eyes, she nestled herself into Ed's t-shirt covered chest and smiled as he traced a finger up and down her arm.
"What time is your flight," she whispered, her foot teasing at his ankle.
"Two," he said. "I have time…"
"Mmmmm. Five more minutes then…let's shower before Noah wakes up."
Ed smirked, held Olivia more tightly against his body, and kissed the top of her head. "Whatever you want."
Ed had come over the night before to help wrap Noah's presents. He had originally planned to head home that same evening, but surprised Olivia by announcing he was already packed and could stay, if she wanted. Elated, she didn't bat an eye at his assumption that he would be welcome. They spent the evening with Noah and once he was asleep, assembled a Little Tykes car that Olivia purchased, despite it potentially being a little big for him, and wrapped the rest of his toys and clothes before stashing them away in the back closet.
"I probably went overboard," she had mumbled at one point.
Ed just kissed the side of her head. "No such thing. Not for this. Not for Noah."
Olivia smiled thinking back to that moment as Ed's touch sent tingles down her spine. She rolled out of bed only two minutes into the originally planned five, beckoned him to quietly follow her, and started the water. The made quick work of stripping each other of their pajamas and clumsily kissed as they stepped into Olivia's shower.
"Shhhh," Olivia said through laughter, afraid of waking Noah. "I need this…"
Ed covered her mouth with his, kissing her deeply. He ran his hands up her sides, caressing the sides of her breasts, before tangling in her now wet locks and tilting her head back, giving him more access to her mouth. Olivia kissed back with equal passion, her whimpers muffled, but no less of a turn on for Ed. He pried his lips from her mouth and made his way across her cheek, down her jaw bone, and from one side of her neck to the other.
"Ed…"
His mouth kept going lower. He stopped for quite a while to kiss and nip at her breasts, before continuing his trail down her body.
"Oh god…"
Ed paused from where he was lightly running his tongue up her left thigh and smirked.
"Shhhh," he whispered. "You may wanna cover your mouth."
Olivia bit down on her bottom lip and her eyes rolled back as she allowed herself to get lost in the immense pleasure Ed Tucker was giving her.
Forty-five minutes later the couple was sated, showered, and dressed in casual clothes. Olivia put on a pot a coffee and went back to get Noah, who had begun to stir right as they stepped out of the shower.
"Good morning, sweet Noah," Olivia cooed as she lifted him from his crib. Noah, though awake, yawned and settled his face into Olivia's neck. "Still tired, baby?" She swayed a little bit as she moved around and got him on the changing table. "Let's get you a fresh diaper, and maybe we'll put you back in clean pajamas." Olivia leaned down and nuzzled Noah's face with her nose, eliciting shrieks and giggles. "There's my smiley boy," she said. "We have the whole day together. Ed's making some breakfast. Maybe we'll watch some cartoons. Whatever you want to do, sweet boy."
Noah blinked up at her and smiled, batting his arms around and grabbing at her face.
"I love you," she whispered, kissing at his chubby cheeks. "I love you, Noah."
At first, Olivia had hesitated to use those words. She was terrified to let herself fall in love with this baby only to have him taken away, but eventually the words came naturally. Noah deserved to be loved. And, despite her fear it would be temporary, she knew she deserved to love him. All of a sudden, the words came easily to her. Olivia was convinced, deep down, Noah knew what the words meant as his eyes would sparkle as he gazed at her every time she spoke.
"Come on," she said, hoisting him up into the air, blowing air onto his belly, before cuddling him into her chest. "Let's go check on Ed."
She could hear the sizzle of bacon before the smell hit her nostrils and she paused. Ed Tucker, freshly showered, wearing jeans and tight fitting navy polo, was cooking breakfast in her kitchen. Olivia desperately wanted to freeze that moment in time, but she could feel a tiny bit of sadness bubbling up in her gut, knowing he was departing that afternoon for a full week in California. Shaking it off for the time being, she smiled and moved around to sit on a barstool, Noah perched in her lap.
"Smells good," she said. "Can I help?"
Ed just smiled. "Nah," he said. "I got it. Almost ready." He fixed up Noah's plate first, partitioning the eggs and mashed up banana into separate areas of the plate. He placed it on the island, letting the eggs cool, while he dished out helpings onto the two larger plates. Olivia place Noah in his high chair, wrapped a bib around his neck, and handed him the plate with his rubber spoon.
"Go ahead and try, Noah," she said, encouraging him to see if he could feed himself. He often would make a valiant effort, only to wind up with food everywhere and Olivia would eventually intervene. But she had to admit that it was adorable to watch how earnestly he tried to get food on his spoon and make it into his mouth.
Ed set a plate in front of her and sat down on the other stool. "Hey, listen, Liv, I was thinkin'."
"Uh oh," Olivia said, smirking as she sipped her coffee and raised her eyebrows at him.
"Funny," he quipped dryly. "Nah, I was just thinkin'…why don't you and Noah stay with me while your apartment is being worked on?"
Olivia felt her stomach drop as she placed her fork and napkin onto the bar and lowered her eyes, hearing Ed continue his reasoning.
"Look, it's not permanent. But it's silly for you to find a temporary sublet or stay in a hotel when I have two perfectly good bedrooms for you to utilize," he explained. As he saw the expression change from humor to nervous and perhaps afraid, he tried to speak quickly. "I just mean…this makes sense, Olivia. And it's easy. And you'll have help with Noah, too."
Olivia remained silent and looked down at her lap, trying to figure out why this idea caused so much anxiety to bubble up in her gut. Ed took Olivia's silence to mean she was angry.
"Hey, ya know what, forget I mentioned it," he said, waving it off. "Probably not my best idea."
"No, Ed," she whispered, reaching out and grasping his wrist. "Stop."
He froze.
"I'm not…upset," she explained slowly, but her voice was shaky. "I…are we ready for that?"
Ed just stared at her. "Well, I thought we were," he said softly. "It's just a few weeks…"
"I know…"
"Think about it," he said simply, shrugging his shoulders and finishing off his breakfast. "Think about it over the holidays. The offer stands."
Olivia nodded and went back to her food. The couple made small talk, but focused mostly on Noah for the next hour until Ed reluctantly announced he had to get home, grab his bag, and head to the airport. He kissed Noah's head, wished him a Merry Christmas, and made his way to the door. Olivia followed him, arms wrapped around her waist as if she was unsure where they stood. She watched as Ed put his coat on and patted his pockets for his gloves. Before putting those on, he moved towards Olivia and took her face in his hands, kissing her lips softly.
"Don't…don't stew over this," he whispered. "I'm sorry I brought it up…I thought maybe the offer would be a relief."
"Ed, it's okay" she said. "I'm being…I don't even know."
"It's okay, Olivia. Take your time."
She just nodded and leaned up to kiss his lips. "Merry Christmas, Ed."
"Merry Christmas, Olivia."
"Call me when you land?"
"Of course."
Ed kissed her one last time before opening the door and heading down the hall. He looked back before getting onto the elevator and saw her watching him leave, her bottom lip sucked into her mouth, a classic sign that she was unsettled. Ed was tempted to go back, to try and talk her down from whatever just happened, to explain there was no pressure, but he was pressed for time. Instead he winked at her playfully, which earned a soft smile, and then reluctantly got on the elevator, pressed the button for the lobby, and watched as the doors closed.
Hm. Review, please.
