Chapter 12
The next evening, Olivia and Rafael Barba were on her couch sipping drinks. He had been surprised when she messaged him that morning and asked him to just meet at her apartment, but dutifully did as she requested. Olivia was an incredibly private person and when she had reached out about a "personal matter," his curiosity peaked.
Ed helped get most of Olivia's stuff back into her place earlier that day before his meeting. They only needed two trips: one with the crib, changing table, and a few other larger items including suitcases and another one with the smaller items they had forgotten such as groceries, toiletries, and couple of stray balls.
"Ya know," Olivia said thoughtfully. "Perhaps we leave a few toys here, unless they are in the way? Less to pack when we pop over next…"
Ed had grinned in relief, hearing she planned to return. He kicked himself for even doubting that possibility. Ed knew she was ready to get home, and he also knew that their living together had sped things up in a way that had caused Olivia to panic. What heartened him, however, was her willingness to work through that panic. He hid the fact that he suspected something had occurred or was wrong, and went about doing what he needed to do in order for Olivia and Noah to settle back into their home.
Now she was on her couch, divulging Noah's paternity to Barba, but doing so in a "hypothetical" sense.
"Hypothetically?"
"Yes," Olivia emphasized. She was leaning forward on her couch, elbows on her thighs, wringing her hands as she spoke with Rafael. He came as a friend, not an ADA, but her nerves were still high.
"Hypothetically," he began, "the only people who need to find out, are the ones you want to tell."
Olivia didn't say anything. She let the information sit out in the open and bit her bottom lip contemplatively. Ed's face kept going through her mind as she debated what to do, but she hesitated to pose that kind of question to Barba. The NYPD rumor mill may have been going, but it wasn't likely that the ADA was aware of her budding relationship with Ed Tucker and she wanted to keep it that way for the time being. Rafael, however, wasn't stupid and he could tell Olivia was holding back.
"Liv, what is it?" He said the words gently, but with an authority that gave Olivia pause. She studied her friend's face, which was full of concern.
"Ya know, keeping things a secret has never really worked out for me," she said with a bite to her tone. "I pride myself on being honest."
"Olivia, this isn't lying…"
"Is it?" She pushed back, tears evident in her voice though she desperately tried to hide them. "When I fill out that final paperwork, and I leave 'father' blank, is it not lying? And couldn't that come back to bite me in the ass?"
Barba remained silent, carefully studying his friend and colleague. His respect for Olivia Benson was high and, to him, it didn't matter what decision she made regarding Noah's paternity. She would still be the most honest, loyal person he knew.
"I can't lose him, Rafael," she whispered. "I can't…"
"You won't, Liv," he assured her. "You won't. You don't have to tell anyone this information. No one even has it now."
"Melinda does."
"And she's bound, by law, to not reveal it to anyone."
Olivia let out a deep sigh and ran her hands through her hair. "I don't know what to do."
"Hypothetically," Barca said, going back to their original conversation theme. "Hypothetically, if I'm you, I tell no one."
Including Ed. Olivia finished the sentence silently in her head and allowed her eyes to drift to her lap.
Ed sat in his wing back chair sipping coffee and enjoying the sunrise over Manhattan. The view from his living room windows was decent. Those particular windows faced south and being on the 21st floor gave him a nice view of the midtown high rises. He took another sip and sat back. Early morning was his favorite time of day. Ed enjoyed watching the city come to life and light begin to filter off and through the buildings and streets. It was during this time that he found himself the most contemplative.
It had only been two days since Olivia and Noah had gone back home. During that time, Ed had kept busy both at work and spending time with Emma and her friends. He hadn't had many moments to really look back on Olivia's stay and her seemingly hasty exit, which was for the best since it had given him a knot in his stomach. He could tell by the look on her face, when she returned from that phone call, that something was wrong. In fact, he had been able to tell something was wrong for most of that day. As time had gone on and their relationship progressed, he learned when and how to push for information from Olivia Benson, and he had wisely decided not to push then. But that did not stop him from being concerned. Since she had left, they had communicated semi-regularly through text messages, but he hadn't actually heard her voice in two days. He missed her.
"Morning…" Emma groggily said, stumbling into the kitchen. Her hair was in a messy bun on top of her head and her oversized sweats made her look younger than she was. Ed smirked, watching her fumble around for a mug and pour a cup of coffee.
"Why are you up?" He asked, smirking growing as his daughter grumbled. "I didn't understand a word you just said, Em…"
"Ugh," she said, coming over and sitting in the chair across from Ed's in front of the other window. "Couldn't sleep…"
Ed cocked his head to the side and studied her face. "Somethin' wrong?"
"No," she said softly, putting her mug down and picking at her pants. "Not really. Just thinkin'."
"Dangerous…" Ed mumbled, his smirk returning.
"Very funny, Dad," Emma said with an eye roll. She tucked her feet up under her and cupped the coffee mug with both hands as she started out of the window. "The city is so pretty in the morning…"
"My favorite time," he admitted. "Still quiet. New day." He kept his eyes on his daughter's profile. She had morphed from a little girl to a young women quickly, right in front of Ed's eyes, and he had trouble reconciling that in his head. She was still a teenager, in need of his care and protection, but she was no longer a little girl. And despite her typical quiet, contemplative yet playful personality, she could not easily hide from her NYPD father when something was bothering her. Though she would often refuse to talk about it. "What's going on?"
Emma shifted uncomfortably and put her mug down. "I don't even know," she admitted quietly. "Just couldn't sleep."
Ed checked his watch. "Can't be the time difference. Its four in the morning back in LA."
The pair sat in silence for a little bit. Ed got up, refilled his coffee, and came back over. "Ya want some breakfast?"
"Nah," Emma responded with a shrug. "Not hungry. We can wait until they wake up."
"Em…"
"Will I see Olivia again before we leave?"
Ed's forehead scrunched up in confusion. Was this what Emma was losing sleep over? "Of course," he said simply. "If that's what you want."
Emma just nodded.
"Is that what has you upset?"
"No," she said defensively. "And I'm not upset. I'm just…thinking. That's all."
"Maybe we can all go to dinner Friday night," he suggested. "Before your flight."
"Okay."
"Emma, what is it?"
"Mom's seeing Chris again," she mumbled. "And he's…fine I guess. But…"
Chris Dipasca had been Ed's partner years ago, before he had married Suzanne. Both he and his wife had been invited to the Tucker wedding, as Chris was a groomsman and Sarah a bridesmaid. A couple of years after the wedding, Ed returned home in the middle of the night following a negotiation that had taken hours. He had been tired, out of it, and as he got off the elevator on his floor, he ran right into Chris. Not long after that, it was reveled that Chris and Suzanne had been having an affair, off and on, before Ed and Suzanne had even married. The couple filed for divorce and Ed transferred out of the Hostage Negotiation Unit and into IAB.
It had taken years for Ed to even be able to be in the same room as Suzanne without feeling uncontrollable anger. He managed to force his way through Christmas and birthdays, but that was it. As the kids got older, he finally had to let it go. Ed wanted to be at plays and concerts and ball games, which meant he had to figure out how to be around his ex-wife. But Suzanne and Chris never fully separated. Both marriages in shambles, the two tried to keep a relationship but it was constantly in flux. The one thing that remained a constant was that the kids, Emma in particular, did not like Chris. And every time their mother decided to bring him back into the picture, Emma would tense back up.
"Ah," Ed said.
"Sorry, Dad," Emma said quietly. "I know you don't like when I mention him."
"Hey," Ed said, making sure to catch her eyes. "That was a long time ago. It doesn't bother me for you to bring him up. Hell, your mom even brought him up at Christmas."
"I hate it," she whispered. "I hate him."
"Honey…"
"I mean, it's fine," Emma said quickly. "Nate seems cool with it. I just don't like him. And I hate what he did to you…to our family. But it was a long time ago, I guess."
"Seems that way. But maybe it's not for you," Ed allowed, hoping Emma would keep talking. She rarely spoke about the split. He wanted her to open up if she wanted to.
"I guess being back here, seeing you with Olivia…I like Olivia. I promise you I like her," Emma said pleadingly, as if she was convinced Ed wouldn't believe her. "I guess it just makes me mad at mom all over again."
Ed leaned forward, rested his elbows on his thighs, and looked closely at his daughter. "Olivia and I won't do anything that you and Nate aren't ready for," he said firmly.
"I know you won't."
"Good," Ed said, satisfied that the subject seemed to be understood.
"Ya going over there tonight?"
"Don't you and the girls have play tickets?"
"Yep. Aladdin."
"Then, yes," Ed said, his face getting a small blush tone as he admitted his plans to visit his girlfriend. "I'll probably go over there tonight."
"You think I could go see her tomorrow?" Emma's eyes were wide and hopeful. "I thought maybe I'd leave my friends here and bring her something for her new, but not really new, apartment."
Ed smiled. "She would love that."
Olivia was sitting in Noah's newly carved out room, cuddling him in the rocker. His body was heavy, but he was still fighting sleep.
"We need to get you some curtains, sweet boy," she cooed, placing her cheek on top of his head. "We'll find some that match your blanket. And maybe even get you a toy box for your new room."
Noah reached up and grasped a clump of her hair as he yawned. The gesture melted Olivia's heart, and furthered her resolve to not make a misstep in this adoption process. Unfortunately for her own worries, she still couldn't discern whether or not revealing his paternity was actually a misstep.
"I'm gonna make this work," she whispered. "I promise you I'm gonna make it work."
She stayed there for another few minutes until she heard Noah's breathing gradually even out into his typical, nasal sounding sleeping breath. Not quite ready to put him down, Olivia let out a sigh, rested further back into the rocking chair, and stared at the ceiling. The weight of Noah's little body draped across hers brought her a peace that she very much needed. There was too much happening at one time for her. She wasn't even near the year mark for her last encounter with William Lewis, and was struggling silently in that aftermath. Receiving Noah had been the boost and encouragement she needed to keep moving forward, but the trauma was still there and it needed to be dealt with. But between reclaiming her unit and Noah, Olivia didn't have the bandwidth to take on something else, even if it was her own mental health.
Then there was Ed. He made things easy, most of the time, for her to breathe. He'd bring dinner, sit silently with her, watch Noah while she ran errands. He made her feel less alone, and his grip made Olivia feel like she was no longer just dangling in the open air of trauma and fear. But the relationship came with challenges and a need for energy that she didn't feel she possessed. Ed knew this, and didn't push her, but she wondered if that patience would eventually wane. She was convinced that at some point, he would realize that she was too difficult to be with.
Olivia shuddered at the thought, buried her face in Noah's hair, and breathed in his scent. Ed had given her no reason to doubt him. Her phone vibrated on the table, signaling Ed was on his way. Allowing herself a few more minutes, Olivia steadied herself before standing up, placing Noah in his crib, kissing his head, and cracking the door closed.
She had just finished washing her makeup off and throwing on lounge clothes when Ed knocked on the door.
"I guess the doorman has stopped alerted me of your arrival, Lieutenant," she said, greeting him with a smile and a soft kiss on his cheek.
Ed blushed at the contact with her lips. "Guess so," he said, his voice soft and low. He stepped in, shrugged off his coat and hung it up, and followed Olivia into the living room. Two glasses of bourbon were sitting on the coffee table.
"Cheers," he said, his voice still soft. His blue eyes were brighter, at least to Olivia, and he never took them off of her. Even as he sipped his bourbon, Ed's gaze stayed on her.
Olivia ducked her eyes and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Ed's hand quickly found hers, still near her face, and he grasped it, pulling her to him and pressing his lips against hers. Olivia let out a little squeak, surprised but thrilled at his assertiveness. He kissed her deeply until they finally had to part and catch their breath. Keeping her hand in his, Ed rested his forehead against her and resumed gazing at her.
"Ya okay?"
Olivia nodded and gave him a small smile. "I am," she whispered.
"I missed you the last couple of nights."
Olivia's smile turned into a slight frown and Ed immediately backtracked out of guilt. "I just meant that I got used to ya bein' there when I woke up," he explained. "Nothing more."
"It was a little weird to have a bed to myself," she admitted.
Ed continued to study her face, looking for signs that something was still wrong. Dark circles had crept under her eyes, and she constantly was either biting her lip or picking at her fingers. "What's going on, Liv?"
"Such a detective…" she joked, trying to lighten the moment, but Ed didn't move his intensive stare. "Ed, I'm just tired. The apartment, the case, Noah. It isn't anything major. Just me being…tired."
"How can I help?"
Olivia looked down where their hands were joined and ran her fingers along his palm. She wanted so badly to bare her soul to him in that moment. To tell him how sorry she was that Emma was uncomfortable, how scared she was that Johnny D was Noah's biological father, and how tired she was of trying to fight her memory of William Lewis. Instead she smiled sadly at him and shook her head.
"Just be here," she said. "Be with me."
"I'm right here, Olivia," he said. "And I'll be right here as long as you'll let me."
Olivia ran her eyes over his body and paid careful attention to his facial features. Biting her bottom lip she looked at him pleadingly. "Take me to bed…"
Ed groaned. "Oh, my pleasure." He stood and pulled her up from the couch. Keeping her hands securely in his, Ed backed his way to her bedroom, eyes never leaving hers. Olivia nudged her bedroom door closed with her hip before she wrapped her arms around Ed's waist and kissed him. Ed held her face in his hands and tilted her head back, allowing him to almost swallow her mouth.
"You're so…so…gorgeous," Ed said, as his lips made their way across her jaw to nibble her ear and then move down to her neck. "And I'm so…so…lucky…"
"Mmmmm," Olivia's waist instinctively moved closer to Ed's and she could feel his desire for her grow. "Ed, that feels so nice."
He kept kissing her neck, taking his time and making sure every inch of skin had been touched by his lips.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Just gettin' started, baby…"
He soon had them both stripped down, him in his boxers and Olivia still in her panties, but braless. Olivia let out an "oof" followed by a chuckle, as Ed backed her against the wall. He trailed his finger tips down the sides of her breasts.
"Bedroom looks great," he rasped, nipping his way across her chest. He felt her shake with laughter.
"You haven't even looked at it," she said. Ed took a nipple into his mouth. "Ahhhh," she shrieked, not expecting the move.
"Gotta door. Don't need to see anything else," he said, releasing her and moving to the other one. Ed took his time, kissing, licking, and biting at Olivia's breasts. Her breathing quickened and her hips began to gently rock into his.
"Ed…"
He licked his way up to her mouth and kissed her, pinning her hands above her head and pushing her more into the wall.
"Whaddya want, Liv," he rasped into her ear, his breath sending pleasant chills down her spine. "Tell me what to do next…"
Olivia whimpered, her hips still bucking into his. "Fuck me," she whispered, biting the spot where his shoulder and neck came together. "Fuck me, Ed."
Within seconds he had Olivia on her back, in the middle of her bed, crying out in pleasure.
"Oh god," she gasped as the threw her head back as Ed fully sheathed himself inside of her. "Ohhhh yeah."
"You feel so good, baby," Ed grunted. "So good."
He moved inside of her, deep and firm, but slow. Olivia's cries matched with Ed's grunts as he kept the same, steady pace.
"Harder…"
"Liv…" Ed looked down at her. A tangled mop of brown hair was spread out across her cream colored pillow. Her face contorted with pleasure as beads of sweat ran down her temple.
"Please."
Not willing to leave her unsatisfied, Ed spread her legs further apart, gripped her thigh, and entered her again, this time a bit harder. His pace, and their breathing, quickened.
"Come on, Liv," he groaned. He was close, but refused to finish until she had come. He flicked his fingers between her legs and felt her begin to quiver.
"Oh goddddd." Any thoughts of her inner turmoil flew right out of her head as Olivia shrieked. Her back arched off the bed and her body shook as she came hard. Ed let out another loud grunt as he spilled into her and allowed his body to collapse on top of hers. Olivia held him to her tightly and buried her face in his neck, enjoying the feel of his full weight on top of her.
"Are you okay?" Ed was still breathing hard, but he could feel Olivia's body still shaking slightly.
"Mmmmm, I'm great," she moaned, but whimpered as Ed tried to move. "Don't move," she said. "Stay right here. Just…stay right here with me."
Ed's heart constricted a little bit, sensing there was a deeper meaning to her words, but remained silent. His body settled further onto hers, hips nestled perfectly between her thighs, pecs brushing against her breasts, and his arms around her back possessively.
"I'm right here, Liv."
"Thank you."
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