Chapter 13
"Don't do this. Johnny D is a psychopath. Do not open this door."
Barba's words played on repeat in Olivia's head as she hurried down the sidewalk to meet Ed at the designated spot. It hadn't taken Rafael long to realize that she had named Johnny D as Noah's birth father on adoption paperwork. She assumed he would be surprised, but she didn't think he would react quite as adamantly as he had. The tone of his voice as he said those final words to Olivia contained a slight bit a fear, and ever since the elevator doors closed, the pit in Olivia's stomach grew. She rushed back to her office, called Ed to meet her and he named a place, then she took off out of the squad room, desperate to get to Ed before the information leaked to IAB.
The month following Olivia's move back into her apartment had flown by. Between getting ready for the official adoption inspection, trying to keep control of her squad, and attempting to see Ed at least twice a week, Olivia was tapped out. The most recent evenings with Ed had consisted of dinner, Olivia finding another excuse not to tell him about Noah's paternity, and then falling asleep on his lap as he played with her hair. Ed was content to just be there in her presence, offering her some security, but his worry had not waned. Instead of pushing or prying, Ed positioned himself as a steady presence in Olivia's life, hopeful that she would eventually open up. She knew that was what he was doing, and despite her desire to talk to him, she never did. But her time was up. Olivia made the decision to list Johnny Drake as Noah's father on the adoption forms, and now she was racing the clock, hopeful she could still be the one to tell Ed.
Olivia slowed as she reached the entrance to the bar Ed had selected. Working to catch her breath, she eyed the menu and made a note that this seemed to be a nicer location than Ed usually picked. He was a sucker for dive bars and had a talent for finding the ones most full of character and charm, but they were typically dark. This place was full of light, and from what Olivia could tell, actually had linens on the tables.
She took a few more deep breaths and gave herself a small pep talk before silencing her phone, straightening her light-weight trench, and pushing the door open. Ed was already at the bar, his hands cupping a glass with what Olivia assumed was bourbon, and a glass of red in front of the empty barstool he had reserved for her. She had to once again pause, for Ed was ruggedly handsome. His steely jaw and sharp blue eyes had become one of the most comforting and reliable things in Olivia's life. As she moved towards him, finally catching his eye, all she could do was pray that those things remained constant, despite having kept this information from him for over a month.
"Hey," she breathed out. Ed stood and leaned towards her for a brief peck on the lips before he helped her shed the trench. He hung it on a nearby coat rack and returned to take his seat next to her.
"Cheers," he whispered, his eyes not leaving Olivia's face.
"Cheers." Olivia took a big gulp of her wine before setting that glass down and picking at the cocktail napkin it sat on. She admired the white, marble bar, once again thinking of the deviance from their usual stops. Doing her best to stall, she murmured her approval of the location and Ed retorted that he was glad she liked it. After giving her a few more minutes to collect herself, Ed reached out and lightly grasped her wrist, his face full of concern.
"Olivia," he began, "what's wrong?"
"I…" she stammered, her voice shaky and her mouth suddenly dry.
Ed shifted his hand so it was gripping hers, squeezing gently so that she knew he was right there next to her. "Somethins' been up for a while now, Liv. Whatever it is, I'm not goin' anywhere. You can tell me."
Olivia held onto his hand as if it was her only lifeline and bit her lip. Ed could see the conflict swirling in her eyes, and he sensed she was about to talk, so he sat quietly and waited for her to speak. She finally took a deep breath and turned to face Ed. She used her free hand to trace his jawline as she admired his features. Ed turned and kissed the palm of her hand before grabbing that one too and resting both sets of intertwined hands on his thigh.
"About a month ago," she began, "Melinda Warner came to me. She had run Johnny D through the system, getting everything in order. She must have tested a lot. Because a match popped up."
Ed squeezed her hands tighter and scrunched his face up, not quite sure where this was going.
"Turns out," Olivia said, before letting out a shaky laugh. She ducked her head, hair falling on both sides, and swallowed hard. Ed untangled one of his hands and used his thumb and forefinger to lift her chin up. That was when he noticed a lone tear running down her cheek.
"Liv…" he rasped, wiping the tear and kissing her forehead. "Just tell me, baby. Tell me so I can help."
Her lips began to quiver and as she let out a long puff of air. "He's…Johnny D…he matched with Noah."
Her last few words came out almost as a whimper and Ed had to make sure he heard correctly.
"He…what?"
"Johnny D is Noah's biological father."
Ed felt his stomach drop, but he tried to push his own shock and fear aside because it seemed like Olivia was crumbling in front of him. "Liv…"
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," she said quickly, her voice still shaky and eyes full of tears, though no more had escaped just yet. "I know I should have, it was wrong not to, but I just…I didn't want to put you in a compromising position and I was so…I guess I just wanted it to go away."
Ed was still holding her hands on his lap, but he was silent. His face had hardened and Olivia couldn't tell if he was mad at her, or the situation, or perhaps both. So she just continued with her rambling apology.
"And, when she first told me, Emma was still here and I wanted you to enjoy your time with her and not have to deal with me and all of my drama," she explained, knowing everything she was saying sounded like an excuse. And it was. "And by the time she left, well, I couldn't decide if I should come clean, or keep it to myself. I didn't know if telling you meant you'd have to say something, and I didn't want to put you in that kind of position. And then Barba said…"
"You told Barba?" Ed asked, his head jerking at bit at that realization.
Olivia, thinking he was now mad, explained quickly. "I needed advice - on who to tell, if I had to tell anyone, if he thought courts would find out…"
"Liv, family court and criminal court are two different circles. You know that."
"I do know that," she admitted, and then her voice softened and got quieter. "I was just…scared."
Ed let out a sigh. He took a hand to rub his face vigorously. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't upset that she kept this from him, but one look at her face caused him to momentarily forget about that and focus on her.
"What, uh, what are ya gonna do with the information?"
"I named him on the forms," she whispered, her eyes closing as she willed the tears away. "I couldn't…I couldn't lie…"
"Olivia…"
She looked back up and a few tears began to run down her cheeks, dripping onto their joined hands. "What have I done?" she rasped. "He…he could…oh god."
Ed couldn't take it any longer. He stood from his barstool and enveloped Olivia in his arms. He gripped her hair, holding her to his chest, and rested his mouth near her ear. "It's gonna be okay," he whispered to her. "It's gonna be okay."
"I'm sorry," she said, pulling herself together for the time being and sitting up once again, allowing Ed to go back to his stool. "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you right away…"
Ed let her apology sit for a little bit and breathed deeply. "Liv, I get why you didn't tell me…I really do," he said, choosing his next words carefully. "But…"
"Trust is a big deal for you," Olivia finished for him. "I know that. And I…I'm just so sorry. You have every right to be mad at me."
"I'm not mad, Olivia," he said quietly. "I'm…hurt you didn't tell me sooner. But I'm not mad. And we'll get past this."
Seeing that Olivia was nearing full blown sobs, Ed signaled for the bartender to bring their check. He threw down some bills, grabbed their coats, and ushered her out quickly.
"Come on," he said. "Let's go get Noah and order take-out. Anything ya want."
The next day, Olivia sat behind her desk pretending to go over paperwork. She had been staring at one file for about an hour, and had retained none of the information. The night before had drained her. Finally coming clean to Ed, wrangling a cranky, clingy Noah, and then finishing the night seeking Ed's advice on Amaro had left her with no energy. Fin had noticed the slight paleness to her face, but hadn't said anything to her or the squad. He knew Olivia well enough to know she liked to stew in solitude. Nick, however, didn't pick up on any of that and stalked into her office about midway through the work day.
"Sarge?" He asked, knocking lightly before entering Olivia's office even before she looked up.
"Amaro," she said, shaking off the cobwebs and closing the unread file. "What's up?"
"So that exam is coming up," he said, referring back to an earlier conversation they had about the possibility of him being promoted. "Think I'm gonna register…"
"Nick…"
Narrowing his eyes, Nick studied Olivia's face and his hope faded. "You changed your mind, didn't you," he said, a small bit in his tone. "You don't think I should take it?"
"Nick, I ran the idea by Ed last night," she said, her tone staying professional. "He very honestly and plainly told me that you would not be promoted within the NYPD."
"What? Why?"
Olivia saw the anger fill Nick Amaro's body. She half regretted telling him, but felt obligated to do so. The last thing she wanted was for him to prepare and get his hopes up, only for them to be slashed after he had taken the exam.
"Your jacket is too full," she explained simply. "It's not gonna happen."
Nick scoffed. "And this came from Tucker?"
"Yes, but it's not him saying no. It's the department."
"Right, sure. So your post-sex pillow talk is about how I'm damaged goods?"
"Detective you are out of line," Olivia said firmly, standing up and resting her balled up fists in the middle of her desk.
"Am I?" He pushed, losing control of his temper. "Because just the other day you said it was a good idea."
"That's not wh…" Olivia started to explain, but Nick hadn't stopped his rant.
"…then all of a sudden you fuck an IAB Lieutenant and come back saying no."
"Get out of my office," Olivia growled out. "Get out and cool off before you say another word to me, Detective Amaro."
Nick turned sharply and headed towards the door, shaking his head. "Forget it," he said, venom spewing out of his voice. "Munch said not to fall in love with a job because she will never love you back."
Olivia stayed still, her body firm and tense as she watched Nick storm out of her office and slam the door behind him. The blinds rattled and she remained frozen for a few minutes before trying to normalize her breathing. Olivia moved to fix herself a coffee, giving her time to calm down, before sitting back at her desk, pretending to read files and trying to forget about the blow up that had just occurred.
The hallways and corridors that weaved in and out of the IAB offices were quiet. The decor in that particular department was plain, but clean. Mostly white and gray walls and carpets gave an almost sterile feeling and there wasn't much chatter that happened daily. IAB officers typically kept to themselves. There was no water cooler chat or crowded break rooms. For Ed Tucker, that environment had often fit his desire to isolate from people. He had transferred to IAB not long after his devastating divorce and the longer he stayed, the more he hardened. Bad cops only proved his theory that no one could be trusted. Despite knowing deep down that there were good people out there, Ed had made it so he never crossed paths with them. He was miserable and jaded, even more so after his ex moved out west with their kids.
The one exception to Ed's belief no one could be trusted was Olivia Benson. From the very first encounter he had with her, it was obvious she was honest and pure. In his mind, her only fault had been having Elliot Stabler as a partner. Ed knew that Stabler was a good cop, and ultimately a good human, but he made so many hot-headed mistakes that Ed couldn't help but jump into action whenever he could. But his interactions with Olivia had always been slightly different, though perhaps not to the naked eye. Dating back to when Olivia had been set up by the biker gang, Ed had this pull to give her protection and offer her ways out. He had suggested that perhaps she killed Clyde in a moment of trigger, perhaps in self-defense during a flashback. She obviously didn't go for it, and looking back Ed couldn't blame her. He had presented the option in a bitter tone, even though he meant it sincerely. As time went on, he worked harder to seem more genuine. Despite that honesty coming out during the Lewis ordeal, Olivia had remained true to the truth. But it was that trait that had given him so many false starts in trying to move past the fact that she kept Noah's paternity from him for over a month. Ed was determined, however, to get them through this tiny hiccup and come out on the other side with an even stronger bond to Olivia.
The shrill ringing of his cell phone startled Tucker out of his thoughts. He fumbled his phone before smiling at the incoming FaceTime call from his son.
"Hey, Nate," he said, the screen finally clearing up so he could see his face, and noticed he had company. "Hey Emma! Didn't expect both of you…"
"Hey dad!"
"Nate, ya already back at your mom's?"
"Yep," he said. "Finished my last final. Was gonna wait a week to move back, but this kid convinced me otherwise."
Nate wrapped an arm around Emma, her neck caught in the crook of his elbow.
"Yeah, I guess I missed him," Emma said, wriggling out of her brother's grip.
"Everything okay?" Ed asked, concerned that Nate would cut his end of year celebrations short in order to return to LA to his younger sister.
"Yep." Emma and Nate answered at the same time, then they laughed. Ed rolled his eyes.
"How's Olivia? And Noah?" Nate's eyes got a bit larger as he asked the question. Ed's kids were still half convinced that eventually their dad's answer would be that she was no longer in the picture. A concern that they had spoken about at length with each other, as both kids liked Olivia more and more as time went on.
"She's good," he replied.
"I'm not convinced," Emma said, her eyes narrowing. "Your forehead gets that little crease between your eyes when you're worried…"
Ed just laughed and shook his head. "Your observations are strange."
Nate just laughed and Emma shrugged.
"The adoption paperwork was filed," Ed allowed. "So she's just a little anxious. We both are."
"She has nothing to worry about," Emma announced. "Her place looks great and Noah is happy."
Emma had popped over to see Olivia before she left from her spring break trip. Arriving with a small bouquet of colorful flowers, Olivia had welcomed her inside and they proceeded to chat for about an hour before Emma gave her a quick hug and departed. Olivia never did admit she overheard Emma talking about how uncomfortable the living situation had made her, but the one on one visit with the young girl had all but wiped out Olivia's worries about his kids not liking their relationship.
"We'll see," Ed said, trying to push thoughts of Johnny D's petition for visitation rights out of his head so he could focus on his kids. "What's going on there?"
"Chris is here a lot," Nate mentioned quietly. Ed quickly realized that perhaps Chris's presence was the reason for Nate's early return.
"Yeah," Emma said, before bouncing a bit. "So me an' Nate just go to the beach a lot."
Ed's eyes narrowed. "You sure everything's good?"
"Yep!"
Ed was about to ask another question when the landline phone on his desk lit up. "Hey, hang on a second kids." He paused the FaceTime discussion and picked up the call.
"What's up, Cole?"
"Shooting at the Drake trial," he said quickly. "Several people down, including at least one officer and the judge…"
The color drained from Ed's face. "Where…"
"Mercy…"
Ed hastily hung up, stood from his chair, and turned FaceTime back on.
"Listen kids, I gotta run…" he said quickly. The video on the phone got shaky and both kids looked on with mild concern.
"Everything okay, dad?" Nate asked, holding the phone further from his face in hopes of the jerky movement not bothering his eyes.
"Yeah," Ed said breathlessly. "Just..a case…I gotta run…love you both."
Nate and Emma didn't even get a chance to respond before the call was cut off. Ed didn't bother grabbing his light jacket. He attached his phone next to the cuffs on his belt and ran out of his office. Cole met him in the hallway and jogged next to him.
"Who was hit?" He asked, skipping the wait for the elevator and heading for the stairs.
"Not sure," Cole said, trying his best to keep up with the Lieutenant.
"Olivia?"
"I don't know…"
"I'll drive," he said, throwing the door to the outside open and turning towards where his cruiser was parked. "You find out what you can on the way up."
Cole did as he was told, radioing in to anyone he could think of, while looking at Ed out of the corner of his eye. His suspicion of a budding relationship between his partner and Olivia Benson kept growing. The iron-tight grip Ed had on the steering wheel as he weaved in and out of traffic all but confirmed that suspicion. And if that was the case, his hope that Olivia had not been hit by a flying bullet grew.
"I'm sure she's fine, Tucker."
Ed grunted. "I hope so," he mumbled under his breath. "I hope so."
