Chapter 20
The sound of waves created a gentle, relaxing background as Ed and Olivia allowed themselves to recline in their chairs and watch Noah fill cups with sand and dump it back out. After a long few days of being together nonstop, in a somewhat cramped hotel suite, the Tucker family was ready for some time apart. Ed jumped at the opportunity to get Olivia and Noah out and about along the West Coast. He had diligently googled toddler friendly ideas and eventually decided to just take them over to the Santa Monica Pier where there was an aquarium, a few kiddie rides, and an open beach. Ed found himself full of contentment as he watched Olivia smile and Noah point out all the activity.
After an hour long stroll through the aquarium, with Noah energetically jabbering to the biggest, most colorful fish, they stopped for a quick lunch and headed to the sand. Noah had dozed for a little bit in the shade of an umbrella Ed purchased, but was now awake and back to playing and enjoying his time.
"This is nice," Olivia murmured. Her brown tinted aviators rested about midway down her nose and her hair had an eluding wind-blown, beachy look. She wore no makeup, allowing her natural tone and freckles to be highlighted. Ed, assuming they'd spend a little time on the beach, encouraged her to wear swim gear. So she had thrown on a deep blue swimsuit under her cream colored sundress. After being together and dating for a little over a year, Ed found the sundress slightly uncharacteristic, but he couldn't help but admire her smooth, tan legs as she stretched them out in front of her.
"Very nice," he said, still eyeing her.
Olivia smirked and looked at him, her eyes peering over the top of her glasses. "See something you like?"
Ed just grunted. "I see a lot of things I like," he said, leaning over to kiss her cheek and refocusing himself before getting carried away. "Noah seems to enjoy the sand."
"He does," Olivia sighed. "I should've gotten him to the beach more last summer. And this summer."
"There's still time."
"Yeah," she said, her voice dropping to a whisper Ed could barely hear. She kept watching Noah, allowing herself a few minutes before continuing. "Speaking of time…"
Ed tensed, as he had a feeling what was coming next.
"Dodds called this morning," she said slowly, turning her chair and body so she was facing Ed. "I'm gonna have to get back soon."
Ed gave her a small smile and grabbed for her hand, kissing the top of it and holding it tight. "How soon?"
"Couple days," she said. "Today's…Sunday? Right?"
Ed let out a laugh. "To be honest, I've lost track."
"I was thinking I'd book the red-eye back tomorrow night," she suggested. "It'll give me one more full day with you, Nate, and Emma. I can help get things organized for you or just hang out with Emma tomorrow while you and Nate deal with estate stuff."
"Too bad I can't just sign his name on this stuff," Ed mumbled. "He can't wrap his head around any of it, and yet I have to drag him along merely for his signature."
Olivia gave Ed a sad smile. "The law isn't always kind in these scenarios."
"No kidding."
Keeping one eye on Noah, Olivia scanned Ed's body language. He was still tense, jaw tightly locked. The bags under his eyes were more pronounced in the sunlight and she couldn't help but notice that his hands were almost constantly in fists. She reached over and rubbed at his shoulders a little bit.
"Tell me what you're thinking?"
Ed didn't answer at first, he just kept watching as Noah filled the cup Ed purchased at the aquarium with sand and dumping it over his legs before giggling. Just as he was about to answer, Noah looked up and gave Olivia a wide smile.
"Ma!"
Olivia's jaw dropped as her entire focus shifted to her son. His blue eyes were bright as he looked at her with an excitement and adoration that could only be found on a small child's face.
"Ma!"
Tears sprung to her eyes as Olivia moved out of her chair and reached for Noah. She plucked him from his little spot under the umbrella and held him tightly, not caring that now she was now covered in sand as well. Trying not to alarm the little boy, she held back the happy tears and pressed her forehead to his.
"You like the sand, sweet boy?"
Noah just grinned and patted her cheeks. "Ma!"
Olivia chuckled. "That's right," she said. "I'm your Mommy."
"Mamamamama," Noah kept babbling but strained to get down from her lap and back to his toys. Olivia reluctantly set him back down and watched him fill his cup once more.
"Ma! Sa!"
It was Ed that chuckled this time, ditching his chair and laying down on his side to help Noah play.
"No stopping him now," he said with a grin, pointing out different objects to try and coax more words from him. But Noah was not deterred. He now had two words in his repertoire which he babbled endlessly, not caring to learn any more. Ed eventually gave up and went back to his chair, once again reaching for Olivia's hand.
"A good feelin', huh?"
"The best," Olivia cooed, still staring at her son. "Just…the best."
Hands still clasped together, the couple sat in a comfortable silence for a little while. The only sounds came from the ocean and other families scattered along the sand. After a while, Olivia fidgeted slightly.
"You, uh, you were about to say something…earlier," she began, but with trepidation, for she sensed that she would not like what was about to happen.
It was Ed who fidgeted now, twisting his lips and balling his hands back into a tight fist.
"Yeah," he said, taking a few deep breaths and finally turning to look at Olivia. He reached out and played with her hair, tracing his index finger along her lips. "I…"
Olivia gave him a soft, sad smile. "Just spit it out, Tucker," she said, hoping to lighten the mood. It worked as Ed chuckled a bit before his face once again grew serious.
"I applied for Paid Family Leave early this morning," he said. "Asked for a month. Chief doesn't seem to think it'll be a problem for approval."
Olivia nodded, biting her bottom lip. She had assumed Ed would be staying in Los Angeles for a little while, but hearing him talk about a month hit her hard. It was a long time to be apart, even if it was something they had to do.
"Okay," she whispered, trying to offer him a smile but her lips trembled.
"I know," he said softly. "But I can't…I can't ask the kids to uproot this soon after…well, what happened."
Olivia narrowed her eyes a bit. With Noah still content in the sand, it was as good a time as ever to have this conversation.
"Are you going to ask them to?"
Ed sighed and rubbed his face. "My job, my life, my, well, you…are all in New York," he said with a shrug. "But Emma…she only has one year left."
Olivia swallowed hard. She couldn't imagine the heartache of Ed remaining in LA for an entire year. Suddenly that feeling she had so often when men let her down after promising to be there for her returned. She desperately fought it, knowing this was different. The circumstances were different. Ed would never let her down in that way if he could help it. But her heart was racing, because this situation was not entirely in her, or Ed's, control.
Ed noticed her turmoil immediately.
"Olivia, I'm gonna make this work," he promised, kneeling next to her and cupping her face.
"Ed, your kids have to come first."
"I know," he said. "But…that doesn't mean you're second. It just means I have a lot of firsts and I need to figure this out."
"Ed, it's okay," she said, her voice breaking slightly. "It's okay."
"It's not okay right now," he said. "But I'm gonna get us there."
"Don't make promises you can't keep," she said, surprising both herself and Ed with her words.
Ed just squeezed her hands, desperate to reassure the woman in front of him that it was going to be okay. "I can keep this one."
Emma came into the hotel suite carrying two iced coffees. She half skipped over to her brother, who was hunched over his laptop and typing quickly. Emma hopped onto the sofa, causing Nate to stop typing and look up.
"Thanks, Em," he said, taking his beverage and taking a sip. "Hot out there?"
"Not too bad," she said. "Nice to get out of this room."
"Maybe I should go finish this essay in a park…"
"What's it for?"
"Summer work for next semester's English Lit class," he explained. "I know it's like, six weeks before the semester starts but I felt like…doing something normal."
"My brother the smarty-pants," Emma teased, taking a big gulp of her coffee and setting it down.
"You're pretty smart yourself," he said, shrugging off the compliment. "Could always join me at Stanford."
Emma let out a snort. "Yeah, right," she said. Neither sibling spoke for a little while. Nate pretended to go back to his assignment, but stared blankly at the screen. Emma sat curled up on the sofa, picking at the material of her cutoff denim shorts.
"Hey Nate?" Her voice was soft and unsure, a big change from their banter just a few moments ago. It caught Nate's attention and he clicked save, closed his laptop, and turned his attention to his sister.
"What is it, Em?"
"What, uh, what do you think is gonna happen now?" She didn't make eye contact, instead focusing on making an already decent sized hole in her shorts at bit larger and more frayed.
Nate let out a sigh. "Well," he began, twisting his lips the exact way Ed would often do. "I mean…dad lives in New York."
"Yeah, but we live here," she countered. "I just got settled and made friends."
Not sure how to proceed with the conversation, Nate leaned back and rested his head on the back of the sofa, staring at the ceiling. "It's insane how our lives just…completely changed…in an instant."
"A fucking long instant," Emma snapped, referring to the fact that she saw the whole thing. It was the first time she had brought it up at all, and it startled Nate for a bit.
"How are you doing?" He didn't know what else to say or ask, so he settled on the question, thinking it was safe.
"I'm fine," Emma responded tersely. "Just fine. Everything's awesome. I just wanna know what's happening next."
"Emma…" Nate began to push, and then stopped. He could see anxiety swirling in his sister's eyes. She had held it together pretty well for the last few days, and he had been worried she would snap. This was her typical way of handling things. She'd power through, convincing everyone she was taking things quite well, then she'd completely explode. Lash out, yell, scream, all kinds of things, until she was worn out and guilt ridden by things she said. Eventually she'd even out again, but Nate had been bracing for her moment. But, to his surprise, it didn't come, even as he continued talking. "Well, as for next," he said, "I guess dad since lives in New York, are we…supposed to move back?"
"You mean me," she said quietly. "You have your Stanford place. I'm the one that's gonna have to move."
"I could always transfer," Nate said, biting his lip as he pondered the idea. "Probably not right away, but maybe I could? Then we'd all be out there…"
She stayed quiet. As much as she didn't like moving to Los Angeles to begin with, they'd been there just over two years and she was finally feeling settled. Emma had good friends, was active at school, kept her grades up, and was looking forward to her Senior year.
"I don't know," she whispered. "You love Stanford. And I…well, I don't even know what I love right now."
"I mean," Nate said, scratching his head. "I guess we'll have to figure it out soon? Or…perhaps we aren't gonna have much of a choice…"
His words trailed off as he watched Emma's face go pale and her breathing speed up.
"Emma?"
"Stop…" she whispered breathlessly. She suddenly had a light layer of sweat on her forehead. Nate reached for her, but she violently pulled back and threw her hands up. "Don't touch me."
"Okay," he said slowly. "Okay. Want me to call dad?"
Emma shook her head and tried to slow her breathing. "No," she said. "I just…I can't deal with this right now. I can't…I can't think about it…any of it."
Nate didn't say anything else. He just tried to let Emma calm down. After a few minutes she stood up and bolted to her bedroom, the sound of her rummaging through and tossing things around traveling out to the living area.
"Nate, are my running shoes out there?"
By the time Nate took a look around and wandered into the bedroom, Emma was slinging clothes and other items across the bed searching for some workout clothes.
"I didn't see them," he said, eyeing the room is sudden disarray. Emma was almost too organized in his opinion, and she kept her room and spaces clean. So to see her throwing things around in order to find something was a new experience. "Did you bring them? I don't remember seeing them at all, actually."
"I thought I did," she said, finally stopping and spinning in a circle to view the room. "Fuck," she growled. "I bet they are in the mud room."
Nate looked closely at her before making his next offer. "Want me to go get them?"
Neither kid had been back to the house since the day after their mother's murder. And even then, they had entered through the back door and gone immediately upstairs to pack some things before leaving abruptly. They hadn't even entered the front half of the house, where the living room, kitchen, and designated mud room right as you entered the garage were located.
Emma just shrugged and slung the t-shirt she was still grasping across the room. It knocked into a lamp, causing it to shake but not fall, before landing on the floor on top of a pile she must have thrown earlier. "Just…fuck all of this."
"Hey," Nate said soothingly, moving towards her slowly. "Take a breath. I can go get them."
"No, you can't," she replied, her voice harsh and slightly high pitched. "We can't go back to the house…our house. It's like…we just can't go back. So my running shoes can just fucking stay there. I'll go use the bike in the hotel gym and wear these stupid slip ons."
"Em…"
"Stop," she said, her tone becoming more desperate. "I just need to…do something. Anything. Okay?"
"Okay," Nate said slowly. "Go down to the gym. Want me to come?"
"No," she said, softening her voice and feeling badly about her small outburst. "I just want to be alone."
Nate gave a soft sigh and shrugged his shoulders. "Okay," he said. "Text if you need me."
Emma didn't say anything. She threw her make-shift sneakers on, grabbed her room key and phone, and made a quick exit allowing the door to the room to slam behind her.
Three hours before Olivia's flight back to New York, she and Ed came back into the suite with a couple of suitcases and bags on one of the hotel carts, along with several to-go meals they snagged from the hotel restaurant. Noah was sitting with Nate on the couch munching on Gerber puffs and watching cartoons. Nate shot them a smile, but didn't get up as Noah was curled up against him.
The adults got to work unloading the cart, placing the bags right outside of the kitchenette.
"I'll take it back downstairs," Ed said, but Olivia grabbed his arm to stop him.
"No," she said. "Let me. You help get the stuff put up somewhere."
They had made a trip back to the house in an attempt to get a good amount of the kids' stuff, particularly Emma's. Nate had let them know about the little episode the night before when they returned from the beach. Concerned, Ed suggested that he and Olivia go gather a bunch of stuff. Each kid made a list of things they wanted, but Olivia decided to just get as much as they could.
"You have to realize Emma may never want to come back here, Ed," she said, organizing the girl's clothes as she packed, making sure things would be easy to find.
"A big hotel bill," he grumbled. "But…"
"Ed." Olivia stopped and grasped his hand. "We both have a ton of points. It's fine."
"I know," he said. "It's just…this is a lot."
The two finished packing and now that they were back in the hotel, Ed looked around for Emma.
"She's in the shower," Nate explained. "Will be out soon. She spent time in the gym again and didn't want to be sweaty when Olivia left."
Ed felt his heart clench thinking about his girlfriend's imminent departure and tried to hide it from Nate, but failed.
"Dad, I'm really sorry…"
"This is not your fault," Ed said. "It's a tough situation, but I'm right where I need to be."
"Is this gonna…well…it's probably not good for you and Olivia."
Ed took a deep breath. "It's not," he said, deciding honesty was best. "But we'll make it work. We both want what's best for you and Emma."
The lock clicked and the door opened, effectively ending their conversation. Olivia came in and put her copy of the key onto the little table by the couch.
"I'm all checked out of my room," she said. "And I guess I won't be needing that. So make sure you put it in your wallet, Ed."
He just nodded and scooped Noah into his lap, nuzzling his cheek. The little boy let out a few giggles, but then squirmed, wanting to get back to his show. Emma emerged from the back room, wet hair pulled back in a pony tail and donning shorts and a t-shirt. She stayed quiet, smiling at Olivia and Ed, before moving to the kitchen.
"Want me to help sort this out?"
"Sure," Olivia said, walking over to help her. "I think they included plates…"
Olivia and Emma put together different plates and the four of them sat at the little table behind the sofa. Noah, realizing he was missing out, climbed down and toddled over to Nate, requesting to sit in his lap. They ate in silence, no one quite knowing what to say given Olivia's departure was quickly approaching. Emma stared at her plate, Nate focused on feeding Noah little bites of his pasta, and Ed kept his hand on Olivia's leg under the table as they eyed each other. Given none of them had a huge appetite, the dinner wrapped up quickly. Emma hurried and cleared the table, happily exiting the room to do the dishes. Ed tied everything else up in a garbage bag and took it down to the shute.
"I'm sorry you have to leave," Nate said softly. "It's been…good…to have you here."
Olivia felt her heart crack. "I'm sorry I have to leave too, Nate," she said. "I wanted to be here…and I wanted to stay. But…"
"Your job," Nate finished. "You do important work."
Olivia gave him a soft smile and reached over to pat his arm. Noah had long since gotten down and was now in the middle of his toys.
"Gonna have to repack his backpack," Nate said with a smile.
Ed and Emma returned to the room about the same time and Olivia reluctantly stood. "Okay," she said. "Let me grab our stuff."
"I got it," Ed said quickly, moving to pack Noah's little backpack and grab Olivia's suitcase and carry on tote.
Taking a deep breath, Olivia went to hug Nate first. She patted his back and squeezed him tightly before pulling back and searching for words to say. "I'm available," she finally said. "Reach out, okay?"
Nate just nodded, unsure how to respond. Olivia gave him a sad smile and moved over to Emma. She couldn't quite tell if the girl wanted a hug, but that question was quickly answered when Emma threw herself against Olivia and gripped her tightly. Olivia returned the hug, rubbing her back and whispering in her ear.
"Call me anytime, Emma," she said softly to her, still holding her close. She heard the girl sniff softly, so she pulled back slightly and ducked her head to meet her eyes. "Oh, sweetheart…"
"Thanks for coming, Liv," she said, her voice shaky but sincere. "We…I…"
Olivia just smiled sadly, kissed the side of Emma's head, and pulled her close once more. "I'm a phone call away. And…if I need to…I can be back here with you. Okay?"
Emma pulled herself out of Olivia's arms and wiped her face with her shirt sleeve.
Knowing she was having a hard time walking out of the room, Ed reluctantly moved towards the door. Olivia scooped up Noah, helped him say goodbye to Nate and Emma, and followed Ed out of the hotel room and down to the lobby.
"Uber is a couple minutes out," she said.
"Carseat?"
"No," Olivia grumbled. "I'll just…hold him tight in my lap."
Ed nodded, his jaw set and his eyes straight ahead.
"Ed…" Olivia began. "I'm…I'm so sorry I have to go back."
He dropped her bags and turned to her, taking both Olivia and Noah into his arms. "Don't ever be sorry," he whispered. "I'm so glad you were here…they needed you. I needed you. Still do."
"Promise you'll call me?" Her words were a little muffled by his chest, but neither one of them cared.
"I promise," he said. Noah squirmed, forcing them to separate slightly. Ed just cupped Olivia's face and stared into her eyes.
"I don't know what to say," Olivia exclaimed, finally allowing a few tears to escape. "See you…sometime? I…" She shook her head and sniffed, trying desperately to stop the tears from flowing but failing. It was excruciating to say goodbye without knowing when they would see each other again.
"Soon," Ed promised. "You'll see me soon. Either here or back in New York. Okay?"
Olivia nodded, then stiffened as she saw the car pull up. Ed put her bags in the trunk and took her into his arms once more.
"I love you, Olivia Benson."
"I love you too, Ed. So much."
He kissed all around her face before landing at her lips, tracing them with his tongue and making sure she could feel his love for her.
"Soon," he promised, holding the door open as she climbed into the back of the black SUV, clutching Noah to her chest. She gave Ed a small, teary smile and coaxed Noah to wave bye. Ed gripped the door before finally forcing himself to close it. As soon as the door was closed, Olivia allowed the tears to stream down her face as she clutched Noah to her. Chest heaving, she turned to look out the back window and saw Ed standing in the parking lot, hands in his pockets, watching them drive away. Eventually, when she could no longer see him, she turned around and buried her face in Noah's hair taking some deep breaths.
"Ma," he said, looking up at her with concerned eyes. Olivia gave him a small smile and tried to pull herself together.
"Mommy's right here, sweet boy," she said. "Let's go home."
