Chapter 21

Olivia sat with her legs crossed, tapping her fingers against the arm of the chair in Dr. Lindstrom's office. She had only been back at work for half a day before she realized that she was not in a good head space and called for an appointment, but the doctor had been out of town. Ten days later, she found herself across from him in his office, but she suddenly didn't know where to begin.

"Olivia, did something happen with Noah?"

"Oh, no," she said quickly, giving the doctor a large smile. "He's just…great. Said 'Ma' for the first time a couple days ago."

"That's wonderful, Olivia. You deserve that."

Olivia smiled and ducked her head. She took a deep breath and started to talk. "Ed Tucker, you know, I've mentioned him before."

Nodding, Dr. Lindstrom shifted a bit. "How is that going?"

"It's going okay. More than okay, actually," she paused and took a breath, the smile on her face turning into a frown. "Or…it was. I mean, technically it still is."

"Can you…explain a little more?" The doctor was trying to follow her rambling, but so far he couldn't tell what was going on.

"His ex-wife was killed last week."

"Wow," Dr. Lindstrom breathed out.

Olivia went on to explain what happened and how Ed had immediately gone out to California. She talked about how she finally decided to just join them and described what all had happened since then, including Ed taking the month of leave and her departure back to New York. By the end of her recap, tears were dripped down her face.

"Sorry," she mumbled, reaching for the box of tissues. "It was so hard to leave him there, not knowing what was next. And it's been…over a week. I tried to dive into my work but…"

"Don't apologize, Olivia," Dr. Lindstrom said softly, leaning forward to study her face. "What about this has you the most upset?"

Olivia looked up at the ceiling, trying to control her tears and contemplate an answer. It took a few minutes before she shifted and looked over at the doctor.

"I just don't know what's next. Or how this will work. Where do I fit in the picture, especially if he stays in Los Angeles? How can I…be who he needs…if we are on different sides of the country? And if he comes back with traumatized kids, where do I fit there? Noah? Is Ed going to have time for me…and everything that comes with me?" Olivia shuddered as she spoke the last few words and reached for the box of tissues next to her chair. "I…I love him. This is the first time I've been…with…"

Olivia finally dissolved into tears, unable to finish her sentence. Dr. Lindstrom sat, studying her closely and taking in her words, but he didn't speak just yet. He wanted her to finish her sentence.

"First time you've been with…" he said softly once she had regained a little composure. She was still clutching a wad of tissues and her face was red and puffy, but her breathing had calmed and the tears had stopped for the moment.

"He's so…strong," she whispered. "He's never faltered with anything…"

Dr. Lindstrom knew exactly what Olivia meant, but he wanted to see if she would say it, so he remained silent, but she skirted around the deeper point.

"I've just never had someone who made me feel this safe."

"It sounds excruciating, Olivia," the doctor allowed. "But it doesn't sound like Ed is questioning your relationship. In fact, it seems just the opposite. He needed you out there. He agonized over staying in Los Angeles. But ultimately, to me, it seems like he trusts you…and your relationship…enough to think the two of you can withstand this storm."

Olivia forced a smile and sniffed a few times.

"What about his kids? They need him."

Lindstrom nodded. "They do," he allowed. "And they will for a long, long time. But my guess is Ed needs you. And perhaps those kids do too."

Olivia just nodded and dabbed at her eyes.

"Do you trust your relationship with Ed?"

"I do," she said softly, but her tone was firm. "For the first time…I do trust my relationship."

"Then ride it out, Olivia," Dr. Lindstrom advised. "Keep communicating. Ask what he needs. Send him pictures. Go for a weekend if you can. But ride it out with him. My guess is the two of you will come out on the other side even stronger than you are now."

"I hope so," Olivia responded softly. "I sure hope so."


"Hey dad," Nate said softly, padding out of one of the bedrooms in his pajama pants and a t-shirt. It was a little after four in the morning and Ed had been awake most of the night. He had finally given up on sleep and turned on the television. Seeing Nate come out bleary eyed caused a pang of guilt, as he didn't realize the sound was all that loud.

"Nate," he said, scratching his head. "Sorry I woke ya."

Nate grabbed a bottle of water and plopped onto the sofa next to his father. "You didn't," he explained. "Couldn't sleep."

"Emma still out?"

"She is. Finally caved and took one of those sleeping pills."

Ed let out a sigh, turned the volume down on the television, and leaned his head back so he was staring at the ceiling. "Been over two weeks…and I still don't know what the hell to do to help her," Ed admitted. "Or you, for that matter."

"Dad…" Nate said, propped his feet on the coffee table, resting his hands on his stomach, and turning his head to the side so he could see Ed. "You're doing it. You're here."

Ed just grunted, but reached out to squeeze Nate's shoulder.

"No really," he said. "Look, you can't change anything. You can't fix it. But you're here."

Ed turned his head to the side and finally caught Nate's eyes. "I'm always gonna be here."

Nate pressed his lips together in a firm line and stiffened his jaw. Ed almost had to laugh, as he looked like a younger version of the newly minted IAB Captain, but he was too concerned about the reasoning behind the look he was receiving. "You don't believe me?" he questioned, ready to be hurt by the admission, but he could also understand where it would come from. Nate's answer, however, surprised him.

"Of course I believe you, dad," he said softly. "I just…well, I just wonder…how long are we gonna do this?"

"Do what?"

"Dance around the fact that you live in New York. Olivia is in New York. And…well, we need to figure this out."

Ed gave his son a small smile, then sat up so they could really talk. "I don't wanna rush Emma. Or you."

"But you want to move her back to New York," he replied, cocking his head to the side and waiting for confirmation.

Ed twisted his lips a little bit and rung his hands together. "I do," he finally said, quietly but honestly. "I'm not going to make her. But I do want to go back to New York."

The father-son duo let Ed's admission sink in for a few minutes, diverting their gazes back to the television and pretending to pay attention to the late night replay of the Mets-Dodgers game. The last week had been a blur for Ed. His sleep was minimal at best, and he would lie awake most nights worrying about his kids. How strong Nate was being and how quiet Emma remained, as well as worrying about and missing Olivia. They talked every day, often twice, but each time they hung up he could hear a hint of trepidation in her tone. He knew she understood, and that she was supporting any decision he made, but he also knew that didn't necessarily mean she wasn't struggling with the situation.

Their most recent conversation focused on Ed's continual frustration and worry that Emma seemed too quiet, almost as if she was walking on eggshells. Nate had always been easier for him to crack open. He was trying to be strong and hold himself together, but despite that Nate would still open up with Ed, expressing his emotions at times and helping make decisions to keep everyone going. Ed was able to relate to his son more easily than his daughter. It was Olivia, however, that pointed out the fact that this two week span they had been together was potentially the longest he had his daughter with him, solely in his care, since the divorce. Ed regularly had his kids for weekends while they all lived in New York. He would take them on vacations, but those never lasted more than a week and were often shorter due to his job. Couple that history with the present situation, Ed suddenly found himself at a near loss. Sure his relationship with Emma had always been harder, more reserved than his with Nate, but they always had fun together. She would laugh, pick on him, all the things one would expect a daughter to do with her father. That just wasn't the current case. And while Ed understood, he was also worried and feeling a little helpless with Emma.

"Ya know," Nate said, startling Ed out of his thoughts, "I always kinda thought you intimidated Emma a little bit…"

Ed tensed slightly and raised his eyebrows at his son, the revelation feeling like a gut punch.

"I intimidate her?"

"Not…like in an awful way," Nate explained, trying to back track but still get his point across. "She's never been scared of you. I think she just always gravitated towards mom and enjoyed being with you, but could never figure out how to just relax."

Ed hung on to every word Nate spoke, hoping to finally get some insight as to how his daughter viewed their relationship and also potentially figuring out how to reach her.

"It's just gonna take some time," Nate shrugged. "That's all I meant to say. It probably came out wrong…"

"No," Ed said quickly, never wanting his kids to regret talking to him. "I get what you're saying."

Nate chewed his lip a bit before offering one more thought. "I can't help but think Olivia is just…well…she seems incredible. And would probably be good to have around…"

Ed gave Nate a small smile, understanding his double meaning. It would be good for Emma, yes, but also very good for Ed.

"Maybe if I offer to transfer back east, maybe Brown or Columbia, Emma would warm up to the idea of moving?"

Shaking his head, Ed grasped Nate's hand. "I don't want you changing things up, son," he said sincerely. "If you want to transfer because it's what you want, then I'll help you figure it out. But if you're wanting to transfer because it may help me…well…I can handle this."

"I just…" Nate said, his voice catching and revealing a few potential tears. "I just want everything to be okay."

"That's my job," Ed said reassuringly. "I'm gonna make sure it's okay. For Emma and for you. Transfer if that's what you want if we end up back in New York, but do it for you."

"Staying here…Emma staying here. It just doesn't make sense."

Ed let out a sigh. He had two paralyzing fears at the moment. One was somehow losing Olivia if he didn't get his family back to New York in a reasonable amount of time. But the other one was causing his daughter even more pain, and possibly causing her to resent him, by forcing her to move back east.

"I know," Ed whispered. "But I just can't…I cannot handle the idea of her hating me…"

Nate looked over at Ed with tears in his eyes and shook his head. "She'll never hate you. We'll never hate you. You're all we have, Dad."

Squeezing his shoulder, Ed tugged Nate over and kissed the side of his head.

"Call Olivia," Nate encouraged. "I bet she'll know what to do."

"I bet you're right, son."


Olivia had just finished cleaning Noah up from his breakfast when her phone rang. Assuming it was work, she groaned and moved to pick it up, surprised to see a FaceTime request from Ed. She smiled and answered.

"Good morning," she said. "Early out there for ya."

Ed's eyes lit up and his lips curved upwards. "Never too early to see you."

Laughing, Olivia rolled her eyes. "Nice line, Tucker," she said, moving around the counter. "Noah, say hi to Ed!"

Noah smiled and waved both hands, desperately trying to get out of his high chair and grab the phone.

"Hang on Ed. Let me get us settled." Olivia paused the video call, hoisted Noah onto her hip, and quickly moved them over to the couch. Noah was on her lap still trying to grab the phone when she un-paused and Ed's smiling face filled up her screen once again.

"Oh-kay," she said, bouncing Noah a bit and pressing their cheeks against each other as they conversed with Ed. "Much better."

They spent the next ten minutes catching up on little things. Ed would still try to get Noah to say his name, and he'd just babble and grin. It was almost as if he was teasing him. Eventually Noah climbed off of his mother's lap and moved over to his toy box. Olivia watched him for a bit, making sure he was okay, then settled her gaze back on Ed.

"You look exhausted," she said softly, her mouth contorting into a slight frown.

Ed rubbed his face. "Not sleeping a lot," he admitted. "Missing you."

"I miss you too," she whispered. "How…how are things?"

Sighing, Ed just shook his head. "I dunno what to do here, Liv," he finally admitted. "Emma's not saying much. She just…goes through the day slowly. Nate is trying to be too strong, but is also for the relocation."

Olivia gave him a sad smile. "You know that I desperately want you back here," she said, her voice cracking. "Has Emma given any indication that she would be okay with it?"

Ed looked down and stayed quiet for a bit.

"Ed?"

"I haven't really mentioned it."

Olivia pressed her lips into a straight line and nodded. It would be a lie for her to say it was okay, that she understood. Because while she was trying to understand, she couldn't quite figure out why Ed was so hesitant to even begin the conversation. The pit in her stomach grew larger, as she was beginning to think he was convincing himself to stay out in Los Angeles. But then Ed surprised her.

"How can I bring it up?" His tone was pleading, as were his eyes as he looked at her through the screen. "What do I say? How can I make sure she won't…hate me? That I won't push her away?"

"Oh sweetheart," Olivia cooed. "She's not going to hate you. Honey, she's scared. She doesn't know what she wants. Talk to her. Be honest with her. She might surprise you."

"And if she doesn't?"

Olivia tried not to let her fear show over the phone, but Ed caught a glimpse. "If she doesn't, then we'll figure it out. Okay? Don't…let's not go there just yet."

Ed gave her a small smile and tried to move closer to the screen, as if that would somehow make her closer to him. "Liv, I love you."

"I love you too, Ed. It's…this'll work itself out. I hope."

Ed was getting ready to reply, but Olivia saw him fidget and turn around. Soon after, Nate appeared on the screen.

"Hi Olivia."

"Hi Nate," she said. "You Tucker men are early risers…"

Noah looked up at the sound of Nate's voice and scrambled over to the phone. He gave Nate a large grin and jabbed the phone with his fingers.

"Na!"

Olivia's jaw dropped and a smile formed on her face.

"Na!"

Nate just grinned. "Hey, No. How's it going?"

Noah babbled on, as if he was answering the question, but Ed and Olivia locked eyes while the younger boys chatted in the background. She could see the amusement in his eyes that Noah said Nate's name, but also a hint of disappointment.

"Soon," Olivia said softly. "He'll say it soon."

They stayed on the phone for a few more minutes before Olivia reluctantly took the phone from Noah and pulled him into her lap.

"Okay, sweet boy, Mommy has to get ready for work. Say bye bye to Ed and Nate."

"Bye bye!" Noah waved and Olivia helped him blow kisses into the phone. She gave Ed a smile and started into his eyes for a few moments.

"I'll talk to you later, Ed."

"Definitely. Have a good day, Liv. Be careful."

The phone call ended and Olivia allowed herself to fall back against the couch cushions. Her mind was about to move into more worrisome thoughts when Noah twisted his body so he was facing her and poked around at her face.

"Ma," he whispered, placing a sloppy kiss on her cheek.

Olivia took a deep breath and stood up, hugging Noah tightly to her chest. "Come on, sweet Noah. Let's get moving."


Emma stumbled bleary eyed into the living room of the suite. She moved to the coffee maker Ed had purchased and poured herself a cup, adding vanilla creamer and sat on the couch next to Ed.

"Was that Olivia?"

Her voice was scratchy, but Ed sensed a bit of energy in her question.

"It was," he said. "Face Timed with her and Noah before they started their day."

"Oh," she responded, her face slightly disappointed. "I was hoping to say hi."

Ed turned to look at her. He felt like he couldn't get anything right with Emma. Most of his time was spent trying to tip-toe and not force Olivia and the idea of New York on her, but perhaps what he was doing was causing her to feel left out.

"We could call back? Or maybe later tonight?"

Emma just shrugged. "It's okay," she replied, letting out a yawn.

"Sleep okay?"

"Yeah," she said. "I don't like those pills though. Makes me feel all groggy and gross when I wake up."

Ed reached over tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. He took a deep breath and tried to venture into the feared territory. "Em, how are you doing?"

She just shrugged. "I don't know how to answer that," Emma whispered, still not making eye contact. She swirled her mug, watching the medium colored brown coffee churn around. "Am I supposed to?"

"There's no supposed to," Ed coached. "But I want you to tell me when you need something, or want something, or even just…feel like you want to say something."

"Are we moving back to New York?" Emma's voice was monotone, but she had finally looked up and made eye contact with Ed. He stared at her for a bit with his mouth slightly open, unsure how to answer. Emma's blue eyes looked tired, confused, hurt, but he also saw a hint of pleading, as if she just needed someone to make a decision. She needed stability.

Ed swallowed hard, took her coffee mug and placed it on the side table, before taking her hands and looking directly into her eyes. "I'd like to," he finally said. "It doesn't have to be right now," Ed quickly added, "but yes. It would be hard for me to stay out here."

"Because of Olivia?"

"Yes," he allowed. "But not just Olivia. My job. We don't have a place to live here. Lots of things."

Emma just nodded and bit her lip. Ed could tell she was contemplating the idea.

"It's not that I don't want to," she finally said softly. "I just…I don't know what I want anymore."

"Oh, sweetheart," Ed said moving closer and finally pulling her into his chest. "I know…it's okay. Take your time…"

He expected to feel her shoulders shake, to hear her cries and feel her tears, much like he had with Nate. But nothing came. She remained still in his arms. Ed kissed her head and looked up at the ceiling, trying to find the right words. It was seeming like the decision would need to be his. Eventually, Ed was going to have to decide what their little family was going to do for the year, and despite his desire to return to New York, that nagging fear of it not bring the right choice stayed in his brain. They stayed like that for a little while. Eventually Ed heard the shower water cut off, indicating Nate would be rejoining them soon.

Emma shifted and sat up a bit, staying right next to Ed but looking at him. "I just don't like not knowing what's happening. If you're waiting on me, you'll be waiting a while. I can't even figure out whether or not to shower right now. So…can you just decide what we should do and tell me? Please? Just figure it out?"

Ed pulled his daughter back into his arms and he held her tightly. "Okay," he whispered into her hair, the weight of the decision falling more heavily onto his shoulders. Not willing to tell her right that moment that they would move back to New York, he decided to reassure her, talk to Olivia, and find the right words later. "Okay. I'll figure it out. I promise. Give me the day, okay?"

"Okay," Emma whispered, her body growing heavy against Ed's chest. It wasn't long before she had fallen back asleep. Ed adjusted so he was a bit more comfortable and settled into the couch, ready to stay there as long as Emma needed him.