Chapter 24

Ed and Olivia watched the three kids from their perch on the kitchen barstools. His right hand gripped her left thigh firmly and Olivia occasionally let her head fall onto his shoulder. Olivia knew that she and Noah should leave soon and give the three Tuckers time to settle in. Noah had also missed his nap and she could tell that he would crash soon, but she wasn't quite ready to leave Ed. As wonderful as it felt to have him, and his kids, back in New York, she was still craving one on one time with him.

Correctly reading her mind, Ed gave her thigh a squeeze then took her hand and stood up. "You three okay out here for a couple minutes?" He looked pointedly at his two, and both Nate and Emma nodded with a smile.

"Yep," Nate said. "Take whatever time you need."

Ed nodded and tugged on Olivia's hand, leading her back down the hallway and into his room. He left the door open a crack, just in case anyone needed anything. As soon as he turned around, Olivia crashed into his chest and held him tightly around his waist. Ed closed his eyes, kissed the top of her head, and rubbed her back as he held her just as tightly. They embraced for a few minutes before Olivia reluctantly unburied her face from his chest and pulled back slightly so she could look up into his eyes.

"Hi," she whispered.

Ed gave her a soft smile and traced her cheek with his index finger. "Hey beautiful," he said softly. "I missed you."

Olivia gave him an almost shy smile. "I missed you too," she responded. "I know it was only a few weeks but…"

"Seemed longer with the distance," Ed finished for her. "And, even when I got to see ya out there…it wasn't the same."

"No, it wasn't," Olivia agreed. She moved her hands from his lower back to his chest and massaged lightly. "I know we have to leave soon," she finally said. "But I don't want to. Not yet."

Ed just nodded and cupped her face. He leaned down and brushed her lips with his, nuzzling her a bit before pressing their lips together again for a deeper kiss. Olivia gripped his t-shirt as he slowly backed her against the wall, making sure their bodies pressed against each other as much as they could.

Olivia let out a soft gasp as they parted, finally needing air, and licked her lips as she eyed Ed. "I missed that too," she said with a smirk, causing Ed to chuckle and reach a hand up to play with a strand of her hair.

"Soon, we'll settle into a new routine," he promised. "I don't know what it will look like, but it'll happen. Trust me."

"I do trust you," Olivia whispered, almost too softly.

Ed smiled and moved to kiss her once again, holding her face firmly in his hands and parting her lips with his tongue. Giggling from out in the living room finally pried them apart. They both wiped their lips a bit and grinned sheepishly at each other.

"Ya know," Olivia said thoughtfully, allowing Ed to lead her over to his bed and they sat side by side at its foot, making sure they had an eye on the door. "I know I had said, before all of this, that I was all in. But…the last few months have made me realize just how far in this I am."

Ed, slightly stunned at her words, sat quietly and looked at her intently, hoping she would continue.

"It scares me a little," she admitted, staring at the floor, unable to meet his gaze. "Or a lot, really. But…I find myself wanting to just be in your presence. Noah just…loves you."

"I love him, too, Olivia," Ed finally said, reaching over to cup her face, forcing her to finally meet his eyes again. "And I love you. More and more with each passing second."

Olivia smiled, closed her eyes, and leaned her cheek into his hand.

"The way you've stood by me, and my kids, these last few months…"

Olivia popped her head up and looked at him with wide eyes. "I would have never let you do that alone."

"I know," Ed reassured her. "But…"

"I get it," she whispered. "And I know that things will be different. Hard, even…with this new transition. And I'm still all-in, Ed Tucker. I really am. But I'm just nervous that this will set us…as a couple…back a little bit." Olivia let out a scoff and a laugh. "God, that sounds so selfish of me, doesn't it…"

"No," Ed said firmly, cutting her off and kissing her lips. "You are not selfish, Olivia Benson. Not by a long shot. And…I feel the same. But I promise you we will figure this out."

For the next few minutes the couple sat at the foot of Ed's bed and stared into each other's eyes. Ed and Olivia firmly believed in each other, they loved each other, and right then and there they made a silent commitment to keep fighting to figure out how to make their relationship work, but there was still a nagging feeling in Olivia's gut that, despite their words and efforts, somehow this wasn't going to work the way she envisioned.

"I'm not gonna lose you, Liv," Ed said softly, kissing first her forehead, then her nose, each cheek, and finally her lips.

"Okay," she whispered, shoving her worries back down where they belonged. Olivia leaned in for another kiss, but the sound of little footsteps running down the hall gave her pause. "Think our alone time is up, Captain…"

Noah burst in the door, proudly holding up a structure he made with legos. Olivia cocked her head, unsure of what it was, but Ed seemed to get it.

"Ya make a dump truck, pal?" He asked, hoisting the little boy up onto the bed. Noah jabbered, some real words and some made up, as he animatedly explained to Ed what each piece was. Olivia stood and wrapped her arms around her waist as she looked on. She loved watching her son bond with Ed.

"I'm gonna gather our things up," she said softly. "You two…hang out for a bit. He missed his Ed."

Ed nodded, gave Olivia's hand a squeeze, and watched her walk out of his room and down the hallway before turning his attention back to a very alert Noah.

Olivia wandered down the hall and noticed Nate and Emma tossing Noah's toys into their designated basket. "You two don't have to do that," she said quickly, moving to help. "He's keyed up tonight. I'm sure he made a mess…"

"It's no problem," Emma said. "He's so much fun. I'm sure we didn't help him settle down."

Olivia smiled, happy to hear a somewhat cheery tone from the young girl, but could tell from the sunken look in her eyes that it was mostly a surface appearance. Nevertheless, she allowed herself to gloss over it for the moment. "He sure loves playing with you both. Thank you for indulging him."

Nate stood up and stretched. "As many times as I make that flight, it never feels any shorter," he exclaimed. "My body feels stiff."

"You need a long stretching session," Olivia commented. "And a good night's sleep."

Nate let out a chuckle. "What's that?"

Olivia smiled softly. "You're asking the wrong person," she ribbed.

Emma let out a sigh and allowed herself to collapse against the couch, not bothering to get up off the floor. She rested her head back on the cushion and closed her eyes. Olivia opened her mouth to say something, but Ed quietly came up behind her and kissed the back of her head, startling her slightly.

"Sorry," he whispered.

Olivia turned around and her heart melted. Noah had fallen asleep curled into Ed's chest, clutching his Lego creation. His little eyes were closed, his hair was sticking up in a few locations, and his mouth was parted slightly as he let out a few nasally breaths.

"Sweet boy," she murmured, reaching to take him but Ed shook his head.

"I got'em," he said. "Wanna grab your stuff? I'll walk ya home."

Olivia nodded and moved to get her bag and Noah's backpack. She gave Nate and Emma a quick hug, promised she would see them soon, and headed to the door.

"Will you two be okay for a couple minutes?" Ed asked sincerely, suddenly wondering if he should be leaving them on their own hours after their arrival. But Nate quickly reassured him.

"Yep," he said. "I think we'll unpack some."

Emma nodded and yawned. "Yeah," she said. "Hang out in my new room."

Olivia flashed her a smile from the foyer as she slipped on her sneakers.

"Just…don't be too long?" Emma's eyes were wide, but her face immediately hinted at some remorse for her comment.

"Half an hour," Ed promised. "Call if you need me before then."


A couple of weeks passed and Olivia found herself sitting in her office, rubbing her temples as she came to terms with a new case possibly involving Greg Yates. Her mind began to drift backwards in time, replaying the case from start to finish. Olivia had never admitted to anyone, including herself, how hard that case had been on her. So many correlations to her ordeal with William Lewis, but she was a seasoned detective and had seen it all, and then some. At that point in her career, she felt she was a master at separating her personal life and trauma from the job, but when cases hit especially close to home, it proved challenging. Somehow, the original case she was able to power through up until she got home after the trial was over and could let go. But now, in the present, with everything seemingly coming back up, Olivia was forced back to not only the original Yates ordeal and Nadia's unfortunate fate, but her own recurring trauma with Lewis.

Additionally, she now had Rollins going rogue which did nothing to help with her already growing distrust of the young detective. Deep down, Olivia understood Amanda. She could remember putting herself at risk, going against Cragen's orders and not telling anyone, in order to get justice. It was a drive that had never quite left her body, but she had wised up over the years and come to realize that sometimes what she had viewed as doing anything for the cause, was in fact just carelessness that could hurt the case. Olivia's problem was she didn't quite know how to reason with Amanda, partly because she didn't seem to want to hear it, but also because Olivia was frustrated and tired.

It had been a long slog for her, personally and professionally, for what felt like years. Right at the point that Olivia felt like things were settling, with Tucker, Noah and the job, everything seemingly fell apart again. As hard as she and Ed were trying, the last few weeks had proven excruciatingly difficult. Ed was dedicated to making sure he was with his kids, seeking out the right therapist, touring and interviewing high schools, both private and public, and getting to know their daily routines. Ed would lament to Olivia, most of the time on the phone as they had very little one on one time, that Emma was still quiet and didn't express much. Nate, on the other hand, had been more open with Ed, but was still placing himself in a protector and caretaker roll, which Ed wished he would leave to him.

Overall, Olivia was tired. She was tired, missing her boyfriend, worried about his kids, relying on Lucy more and more, missing bedtimes, struggling to keep her detectives in line, and was now facing the possibility that Greg Yates was somehow making a return to their lives in some way. As she had let her mind wander and wallow, her face had fallen into her hands. She was so out of it, in fact, that she didn't hear the knock on the door and was startled out of her thoughts when Carisi cleared his throat.

"Sarge," he said, clearly remorseful for startling her, but also concerned. "Ya alright?"

"Yeah," Olivia said almost too quickly. "I'm fine, just a little tired. Got anything for me?"

Carisi hesitated, but went ahead and updated Olivia on the findings, including a few more bits from Rollins. Not ready to send her back into the field, Olivia asked Carisi to give her a minute to figure out child care so she could tag along. Left alone again, Olivia bit her lip. Lucy needed to be relieved soon, and Olivia knew she couldn't get there in time if she joined Carisi. Guiltily, she dialed Ed.

"Hey Liv," he said, sounding short of breath.

"Ed, you okay?"

"Fine," he replied. "Darted out of a meeting to answer. Been a crazy day."

Olivia's heart sank.

"Ya need something?"

"Uh, well, I was gonna see if you could grab Noah," she explained quickly. "This Yates thing…"

Ed rubbed his face. He loathed that Greg Yates was back in Olivia's, and her squad's, mind, but he was slammed.

"Liv, I can't," he said, his voice full of regret. "There's no way I'm done before eight…"

Olivia sighed. "Okay," she said. "It's okay. I'll figure it out. I can just send Rollins out…"

"Hey," Ed said, almost as if he had an epiphany. "Lemme call Nate. The kids are home…I'm sure they won't mind."

"I don't wanna put this on them…" Olivia said, not sure if it felt appropriate to ask Ed's recently traumatized kids to keep her son so she could control an investigation. But apparently, Ed had already texted Nate.

"He responded with about twelve exclamation points," Ed said with a chuckle. "Let Lucy know they'll be over in about half an hour."

"Ed, are you sure this is okay?"

"Positive," he replied. "Plus…this means I may actually get to see you for five seconds."

Laughing, Olivia finally agreed and thanked him profusely. "I'll make this up to them."

"Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"Be careful. I love you."

"Love you too."

Olivia took a few seconds to breath before grabbing her things and hustling out the door.


Noah's eyes widened as he looked over the plethora of offerings at the movie theater concession stand. Excited at the opportunity to have Noah for the evening, Nate and Emma quickly decided to go see the latest Toy Story movie. Olivia gave them the okay and warned them Noah may not last, but they didn't seem to mind. Now in the middle of the action, Noah's senses were on overload.

"Ooooh!" He said, pointing to the popcorn machine where fresh kernels were exploding.

"Can he even have popcorn?" Emma whispered, whipping her phone out to google the appropriate age. "Hm, probably not," she concluded.

"They have pizza," Nate said. "Oh, how about pretzels?"

"Perfect," Emma said, moving to the counter and placing the order. Nate let Noah toddle around the lobby. He went up to every oversized movie poster and cardboard character cutout and scrutinized them. He eventually landed on the one of Buzz Lightyear and began to jump up and down.

"Buzz!" He said excitedly to Nate, pointing at the figure.

"Yep! That's Buzz. Ready to see him on the big screen?"

"Buzz! I see Buzz!"

"Sure do, pal," Nate said. He noticed Emma over at the counter with the concessions. "Come on, let's help Emma and get a seat." Nate held Noah's hand and went over, offering to take everything from Emma's overcrowded arms. However, when Emma went to pick up Noah, he fussed and kicked, reaching for Nate and sticking his bottom lip out. Unsure of what to do as Noah got more fussy, Nate finally put the food down and took Noah, who settled into his shoulder, and looked apologetically at Emma who was trying to cover up that the exchange bothered her.

"Oh well," she said, shrugging. "I'll just grab all of this and follow you."

The trio made their way into the theater and got settled. Once drinks and snacks were spread out along the extra large arm rests that functioned more as a table, they sat back and the commercials began. Noah, refusing to leave Nate's lap, reclined against his chest and gripped his fingers. Emma eyed them with a small, almost sad smile, before ripping a piece of pretzel and popping it into her mouth, settling into what was becoming a familiar feeling of being left out and alone, despite being surrounded by people.


Several hours later, Olivia slogged back into her office to drop a few things, grab her bags, and finally get to Ed's to pick up Noah. It was pushing midnight and she was ridden with guilt as to how long she had left Noah in their care. Ed had texted around nine saying he was home, and for her to take her time, but she still felt awful. Despite feeling awful, there had been no way for her to get back home. This case was getting worse and more complicated by the minute, and despite finally packing up to leave, Olivia was confident she would be called back in by the early morning.

She had just switched her lamp off when Barba strode quickly into her office. He looked less sharp than he usually did, his shirt partially untucked, no tie, and he had some scruff on his face.

"Hey," she breathed. "I was just heading out…"

"Yeah, listen" Rafael said, distracted and clearly not realizing she was itching to leave. "We need to talk."

Shoulders slumped, Olivia dropped her bags on the floor, closed the door, and followed Barba to sit on her sofa. "What is it?"

"Couple things," he said. His foot was bouncing up and down, again causing Olivia's eyebrows to raise in suspense. Perhaps Barba, too, was deeply affected by what was going on. "I need you to get a better grip on your detective."

Olivia snapped her head back a bit, not at what he said but the tone in which he said it.

"I'm doing my best," she said slowly, trying to catch Barba's eyes, "but you know as well as I do that sometimes they do what they want."

"Do you want her to blow this case?"

"Rafael…"

"Do you?"

Olivia shook her head and ran her hands over her mouth, trying to avoid snapping at her friend. "No, I don't," she said firmly. "You know better than to say that to me…"

Barba's face finally softened a little bit. "Sorry," he said quietly. "I just…this is stressing me out."

"Me too."

The pair sat in silence for a few minutes, but just as Olivia was about to say she needed to go, Barba turned to look at her again.

"Listen, Liv," he began. "I know this isn't my business…but…I can only assume, given the fact I helped you redecorate their bedrooms, that you're involved with Ed Tucker…as more than a friend."

Olivia sat, tight lipped, but let him continue.

"You don't need me to tell you that this could bite you both in the ass if you don't handle it carefully, and openly."

"We are aware," she said slowly. "We had…talked…about officially disclosing. I mean, people sorta know at this point. But then…"

Barba nodding knowingly. The murder of Ed's ex-wife had thrown a major wrench into their lives, and he realized that disclosing was not a the top of either of their minds.

"I know that, Liv," he said. "And…I don't want to sound cold, but that won't matter to the higher ups if something happens and your paths cross professionally. You know that."

Olivia just nodded and bit her lip. "I know," she whispered. "It's just…things are hard right now. We never have time together. Between our jobs, Noah, his kids…things are…hard."

Barba leaned back and took a good look at Olivia. She had dark circles under her eyes, her face seemed almost pale, and she was now frowning.

Shrugging, she looked back up at Barba. "I'm just not sure what to do," she said. "I think, well, we probably should make sure that this is something we can even sustain before…disclosing."

"You really think it's that bad?"

"No," Olivia said quickly, mad at herself for doubting her and Ed's relationship. "I don't," she said honestly. She rung her hands together and rocked back and forth slightly. "I'm just…overtired, stressed, missing Noah…and missing Ed. And just…Yates…fuck…"

Barba, seeing she was on edge, backed off. He stood up and pulled Olivia up with him.

"Go home, Liv," he said softly. "I didn't mean to pile on. This all can wait. See your son. Talk to Ed. But…I'm serious about the official disclosure. Don't put it off."

Olivia nodded and smiled, bidding the ADA goodbye and slowly gathering her things again. The squad room was dark and empty as she drug her feet towards the elevator. As she waited for a car to arrive, she sent Ed a quick message and went back to rubbing her temples.

You'll figure it out, she said to herself. You'll figure it out.