Chapter 25

It was pushing one in the morning when Olivia quietly opened the door to Ed's apartment and slipped in. She toed her boots off, hoping not to make much noise as she began made her way to where she assumed Noah was sleeping in Ed's room. Instead, Olivia noticed a soft light on in the living room and veered back to the left of the foyer.

"Hey," she whispered, coming around the couch and smiling. Ed was sitting up, feet on the coffee table, and had dozed off holding the television remote. Noah was curled up at the other end of the couch, clutching his stuffed bear in a deep, peaceful slumber.

Ed blinked a few times as his lips curled into a smile. "Hey yourself," he said, his voice hoarse from sleep. He leaned over to take a sip of water and stood slowly, moving towards Olivia. "How ya doin'?"

Olivia shrugged and allowed Ed to engulf her in his arms. They stood in the middle of his living room, holding each other close for several minutes before Ed felt Olivia's body begin to shake.

"Hey, hey," he whispered, rubbing her back a bit harder and rocking them back and forth. "I'm right here. You're okay." He kissed the top of her head repeatedly and tightened his grip as she sniffed. "Talk to me, baby."

Olivia took a deep breath and pulled back slightly so she was able to look up into Ed's eyes while he kept his arms around her back. "I…" she began, her bottom lip trembling.

Ed kept one hand on her back and leaned over for a tissue, dabbing at her face while she fought to regain her composure. "There," he said softly. "Now, try again…"

Olivia smiled at him and gripped the front of his white t-shirt. "I'm just so tired," she mumbled.

"I know," Ed whispered, one hand continuing to rub her back and his other hand running along her cheeks to dry her tears.

"There's so much happening," she finally admitted, diverting her eyes almost as if she were ashamed to admit she felt that way given what Ed was dealing with.

Not batting an eye, Ed brushed her forehead with his lips and validated her feelings. "There is a lot going on," he said. "And you've got it coming at ya from all sides right now."

"Yeah," Olivia sighed, her face falling back into Ed's chest. "I…I miss you. Talking to you. Being with you. But I'm just so tired right now…and I know you are too. I don't know how to do this…"

Heartbroken at Olivia's turmoil and pain, but knowing it was too late for them to even try to sort things out, he said the only thing he could think of.

"Noah's already out," he said. "Just stay here tonight. We'll put little man in the room with us."

"Ed, your kids…"

"They'll be fine," Ed said. "I already mentioned if you were too late, you might just stay. Nate barely reacted and Emma smiled, mentioning you had been going nonstop. So, one problem solved. Pallet on the floor for Noah?"

If Ed had a king-sized bed, he would've considered putting Noah between them in the bed, but selfishly he just wanted to hold his girlfriend. He knew they wouldn't be able to do anything. Even if Noah wasn't in the same room, Olivia was exhausted. But Ed desperately wanted to take her into his arms, hold her close, get her to talk to him a little bit more, and try to help her rest before she got drug back into the grind the next morning.

"Okay," Olivia whispered, surprising Ed, but she was too tired to form an argument. "Plus, there's always a chance my phone will ring in the next few hours."

Trying to ignore that comment, Ed turned her around and walked her back into his room. He immediately started the shower and moved to grab a pair of his boxers and a t-shirt for her to wear. He tossed them on the bathroom counter and padded back towards his bed where Olivia seemed to be frozen. "Come on," he said, guiding her into the bathroom. "Take a shower. Wash off the day. I'll get Noah settled."

Olivia shot Ed a grateful smile and nodded. "Sounds good."

While Olivia showered, Ed grabbed the cushions from his couch and placed them on the floor near the foot of his bed. He covered them with a fitted sheet and made a little make shift bed for Noah, complete with his favorite blanket of Ed's - a soft, green and brown flannel throw - and his teddy bear. He gingerly placed Noah on the pallet, gently tucked the covers around him, brushed his bedhead away from his forehead and placed a couple of kisses there.

"Night, little man," he whispered. "We'll be right here. You just sleep."

Ed stood up and watched Noah sleep for a few more minutes. The shower was still running and he could only assume Olivia would stay under the warm water for some time. Making his way around the apartment, he folded up blankets in the living room and turned off the lights, leaving only the under lighting in the kitchen on a dim setting. Ed double checked the locks and ambled towards his bedroom, stopping briefly to listen in on Emma, who had also been having trouble sleeping for some time. Not hearing anything, Ed felt relief flow through his body as he closed his bedroom door behind him. He finally had everyone under one roof, even if it was only for a few hours. Swapping his sweats for a pair of lighter sleep pants and a fresh, gray undershirt, he stretched out in the bed and scrolled through his iPad while he waited for Olivia to emerge from the shower.

It took another fifteen minutes, but eventually Olivia made her way out of Ed's bathroom. He followed her movements as she tip-toed over to Noah and spent a few minutes speaking softly to him as he slept and gently cuddled him. She finally stood up and Ed admired her long, tan legs that seemed even more alluring when she wore his boxer shorts. The navy t-shirt was a little big, but she looked cozy as she moved to clip her wet hair on top of her head, allowing her jaw line and neck to be more prominently featured. Olivia put her jewelry in a little dish on Ed's nightstand and looked around for her phone.

"I plugged it in over here," Ed said reaching over to the matching nightstand on his side of the bed and held it up. "Ya want it by you?"

Olivia nodded. "Probably best," she said softly, plugging it in, checking the volume, and finally collapsing onto Ed's mattress. Ed immediately shuffled so that Olivia's head was resting on his chest and his arms were wrapped firmly around her. "Your shirt's gonna get wet," she murmured, but made no attempt to move.

"I don't care," he whispered into her damp hair. "Don't care one bit."

"I never texted Lucy," Olivia said, trying to sit back up but Ed tightened his grip.

"She can get Noah from here tomorrow," he said simply. "We'll text her when we wake up."

"When do you go in?"

"I can be a little late if I need to," he responded. "We'll text her in the morning."

"Okay." Olivia smiled, not minding that Ed had made the child care decision for her, and shifted so she was even closer, intertwining their legs. "I know we can't…ya know…" she said softly, nuzzling her cheek against his t-shirt. "I just wanna be…close."

"I'm right here," Ed whispered. His fingers brushed lightly along her neck and upper back.

"I've missed this," she murmured. "Missed you."

"Me too, Liv," Ed said, searching his brain for a way to promise her things would settle down, and they'd find time for more of this. But instead, he settled on focusing on Olivia's current headspace. "Do you wanna talk a little more?"

Olivia let out a sigh. Ed was never one to push her into talking about what was wrong. She knew that he, deep down, always wanted her to talk. He desperately wanted to know what she was thinking, how she was feeling, and especially what was hurting her. Over the last couple of years, Ed Tucker had moved from someone she semi-despised and was nervous around, to someone who made her feel safer than anyone ever had. Despite that safety, she had never fully disclosed her entire ordeal with William Lewis or Lowell Harris. He only knew what IAB files had in them and a few details she had let slip here and there. Olivia had left out the more traumatic bits and pieces of her childhood, as well. And Ed, ever the patient and intuitive man, never pushed her, but remained aware that she held back what he assumed to be an avalanche of trauma. Ed resigned himself to never knowing every detail of every ordeal, but he believed Olivia when she expressed how safe and secure he made her feel, and that was what mattered most to both of them. Even as she laid against his chest, with life seemingly falling apart all around them, he somehow made her feel safe.

"My mind keeps going back to Nadia," she finally admitted. Her tone was low, almost as if she was going on autopilot as she spoke. "I mean, we don't know for sure who was involved yet. It could just be some kind of sick copy-cat. But…today…all I could think about was Nadia. And how…"

Ed tightened his hold on her, pressing his lips to her forehead and keeping them there, making sure she knew he was right there with her. That she was safe, protected, and no longer in those dark places that her mind wanted to take her.

"How easily that could've been well, in another…instance…" she paused, taking a deep breath and trying to stop her body from shaking and dissolving into tears again that night. But Ed knew where she was going. He kept on hand around her waist, holding her body to his, and moved his hand to tip her chin up slightly so he could look into her eyes and try to ground her.

"It wasn't you," he whispered. "Yates isn't Lewis. There are…similarities, yes. Perhaps too many for you right now. But you're here. You're right here. With me, with Noah, with Nate and Emma. You are safe. You survived."

Olivia tried to smile, but her lips trembled and a few large tears rolled down her cheeks. Ed's lips followed their trail as he worked to kiss them away.

"I know this isn't easy," he continued. "But you've got something this go'round that you haven't had before…"

Cocking her head to the side, Olivia looked at him curiously.

"Me," he said simply, his eyes staring intensely into hers. "You have me."

Olivia pressed her lips to his, initiating a short-lived but passionate kiss, before settling back into his chest and taking deep, slow breaths.

"Thank you," she whispered.

Ed reached over to turn off the bedside lamp, enveloping them in darkness. The only light came from the twinkle of the city buildings outside of Ed's bedroom window.

"You don't have to thank me," he said. "I'm not going anywhere. I love you."

"Love you too," Olivia said with a yawn, finally allowing her body to relax. Ed didn't close his eyes until he felt her body grow heavy and limp with sleep. He waited a few more minutes, watching her face as the muscle tension seemed to ease with each breath.

Finally assured that everyone in his apartment was asleep and okay for the time being, Ed allowed himself to drift off, basking in the brief moment of contentment life had bestowed upon them.


Fin let Olivia sleep an hour more than she anticipated. Her phone buzzed softly on the nightstand a little after five that morning. Careful not to let out a groan, she moved slowly to cut off the ringer and extracted herself from Ed's grip and his warm, cozy bed. She looked over and smiled, for Ed was still out cold, his head half buried in the same pillow she had been using and his lips parted as he snored lightly. She resisted the urge to kiss at his face, instead moving to the bathroom to brush her teeth and try to make herself appear less run-down. Noticing the darkening circles under her eyes, she made the decision to start a pot of coffee before continuing to get ready and tip-toed down the darkened hallway.

Olivia puttered around in Ed's kitchen, hoping to find some already ground coffee so she didn't make too much noise. She finally found an unopened container of Folgers and grinned, knowing Ed would scoff when he realized what she used. Over the years, he had turned into quite the coffee connoisseur, but Olivia knew she'd be quickly forgiven. Turning around and getting ready to head back into Ed's bathroom as it brewed, she gasped and almost ran right into a groggy Emma.

"Emma!" Olivia exclaimed, still in a whisper. "I didn't hear you…"

"Sorry," Emma said, yawning. She rubbed her eyes under her large, light blue eyeglass frames. Her hair was pulled into a messy, matted bun on top of her head and she was wearing what Olivia could only assume was a pullover of Ed's as it swallowed the girl's frame whole and had the NYPD logo on it.

"Did I wake you up?" Olivia asked, feeling the guilt sink in that she may have interrupted Emma's rare moment of sleep. But the young Tucker shook her head.

"No," she said, stumbling her way towards the living room. "I…" she paused and looked around in a confused daze. "Where are the couch cushions?"

Olivia let out a laugh and came into the living room. "Ed used them to make a pallet for Noah," she explained. "But he should be awake soon. I can go grab them…"

"Nah, it's okay," Emma said, shrugging and reaching for the basket full of blankets Ed kept in one of the corners. "This'll work." Emma tossed a bunch of blankets onto the couch frame and collapsed onto it, using the one remaining blanket to cover her legs. "Pretty much the same level of comfort…"

Chuckling softly, Olivia moved towards the kitchen. "Coffee is almost ready. You want some?"

"Sure," Emma said, picking at her fingers. "You're up early…"

"As are you," Olivia put back, fixing up two mugs and moving into the living room. "I got called in," she explained softly, but then let out a gigantic yawn. "But I'm…taking my time a little bit."

Emma took a sip of her coffee and cradled the mug close to her chest as she eyed Olivia for a few moments. Olivia let her, waiting patiently for Emma to instigate some kind of conversation. Finally she did, but Olivia was surprised at the direction it took.

"Are you okay?" Her eyes were wide and sincere, and her voice was soft. Olivia felt her heart flutter with warmth and a tiny bit of hope that this relationship was strengthening just a little bit.

"I am," Olivia allowed slowly, not wanting to lie but also not quite sure it was appropriate to answer any other way. "Work has been a little tough, so I'm tired. But I'm okay."

"Dad said you've been busy," Emma explained. "And he said sometimes your job can be really dark. I sorta assumed he meant…it was dark right now."

Olivia cocked her head a bit and took a good look at Emma. Her gaze seemed glazed over, a little dim, and she had her own set of dark circles under her puffy eyes. Olivia continued to hope that Emma would open up to her, even just a little bit, but they never had many opportunities these days. Glancing quickly at the clock and deciding she had about half an hour before Fin got impatient, she took a tiny leap.

"It is," Olivia said. "Some cases hit harder than others. This one seems to be more…exhausting, I guess."

Emma kept studying Olivia's every move and every word. "You do look tired," she said. "When do you have to go in?"

"Soon."

"Oh…"

Olivia detected disappointment in Emma's voice and it tugged at her heartstrings a little bit. She reached out and rubbed Emma's shoulder before brushing a few strands of rogue hair out of her face.

"Are you okay, sweet girl?" Olivia bit her lip, regretting letting that monicker slip out, as she wasn't sure if Emma would receive it well. But either it didn't bother her, or she let it roll right off of her.

Shrugging, Emma set her coffee mug down and wrapped the blanket further around her body. "I guess so," she said. "I'm tired, too."

"I know you are."

"They gave me these sleeping pills. And they work…until they don't," she explained. "Like now. I'm awake, can't close my eyes, but I feel super…out of it."

Olivia just nodded, taking Emma's hand and holding it tightly.

"Dad found me a therapist."

"Do you like her?" Olivia asked, knowing Ed found someone as he had run the name by her before taking Emma.

"I guess," she said. "She's okay. She thinks I should be on other, regular medicine. Not just this…temporary stuff."

Olivia nodded, having assumed that eventually Emma would need to be on some kind of anxiety medication.

"How do you feel about that?"

"I don't really care," Emma admitted. "Everyone seems to think pills and sleep will just fix everything."

Olivia let that honest admission sit in the air for a bit before responding. "They won't fix it," she said simply. "They may help you cope. Help you get more sleep. But they aren't magic. There isn't a magic fix to trauma."

Emma let her head fall back against the back of the couch. "Right…" she whispered. She was about to say something else, but Olivia's phone buzzed again.

"Ugh," Olivia groaned. "Emma, I'm sorry…"

"It's okay," Emma said with a small smile. "Thanks for sitting here for a bit. I know you're late…"

Olivia sent Fin a quick message with her ETA and turned to fully face Emma. "I want you to call me, or text me, anytime okay? Even if I'm busy. It doesn't matter. If you need me…if you want me…you call."

Emma bit her lip and Olivia could caught a glance of unshed tears before they disappeared quickly. "Okay," Emma whispered. Olivia gave her a quick, tight hug before standing and heading back to finish getting ready. She put a light layer of makeup on, pulled her hair back, and grabbed her jewelry before kissing Ed lightly and letting him know she was leaving.

"Noah is still out cold," she said softly. "I've already texted Lucy to come get him here."

"Mmkay," Ed said, opening his eyes enough to kiss Olivia's lips once more. "Be careful, baby."

"I will," she said, pausing to look into his kind, tired blue eyes. It was hard not to let her mind wander to a place in which she would wake up to him every morning, where juggling childcare would be a two person game, not just her. But she quickly shoved those thoughts down, feeling bad for even going there given what all Ed had going on in his life, and got back down to business. "Lucy'll call when she's on her way."

"Tell her to take her time," Ed said, eyeing Olivia and trying to figure out what was going through her head. "Sure you're okay?"

"I am," she said. "I'll call you later?"

Ed smiled. "Sooner, if possible. I love you, Liv."

"Love you too."

Olivia moved to kiss and cuddle her son, trying not to think about how little time she'd spent with him while he was awake in recent days. Reluctantly, she returned to the foyer to grab her shoes, but noticed a bright pink post-it note with her name on it sitting on the little table next to a to-go coffee tumbler. Emma had drawn a heart under "Olivia" and the mug was full of steaming coffee with just the right amount of almond milk. Assuming Emma had already gone back to her room, Olivia smiled, wrote her own heart and a thank you on the post-it, took the coffee tumbler and left the apartment, making sure to lock the door on her way out.