Chapter 28

"Ed."

Olivia was panting, her arms moving frantically to grasp anything she could as Ed moved furiously on top of her. As soon as they got back to her apartment after disclosing, Ed wasted no time pinning her against the door and kissing her slowly and deeply. He would never admit it, and she would never push, but Olivia could tell that Sciano bringing up her past relationships had upset him. Both professionally and personally, as she knew he hated to think about her with other men, particularly Brian Cassidy. Her hand had remained tightly in his grasp the entire cab ride back and she noticed his chest puff out occasionally as he would exhale, a signal she had come to recognize as Ed trying to regain control of something that had emotionally poked him.

Knowing it was the middle of the day, Olivia worried less about how loud they were being as she imagined most, if not all, of her neighbors were at work. She allowed herself to completely focus on how Ed was making her feel, and she let out shrieks and screams as he would change up angles or bite at her skin. As the couple hurdled towards their climax, they both let out loud, carnal cries before collapsing against each other to catch their breath.

"God damn," Ed panted, tightening his hold on Olivia's sweaty body and pressing his face into her hair. The couple laid in silence for a little bit, content to hold each other and come down from a euphoric high.

Finally, Olivia fidgeted slightly and placed a kiss on Ed's chest. "Feel better?"

"Never felt bad," Ed quipped, knowing Olivia would call him in the lie.

She just grunted. "Try again, Captain."

"Relieved we disclosed," he commented. "No more sneaking around…"

"Well," Olivia said slowly, "it's not like we were really sneaking around the last few months…"

Ed chuckled. "True." He bent his neck so he could kiss Olivia's lips and smiled softly at her, running the pad of his index finger along her cheek.

"You make me happier than Brian Cassidy ever could," she whispered, correctly sensing Ed was not going to bring it up, but as his smile grew, Olivia knew she made the right decision bringing it up herself.

"Haden?"

Olivia blinked a few times. "He…well, it was just never going to work."

"But he made ya happy? Treated ya well?"

"He did," Olivia allowed. "But…it was never…this."

Ed continued to stare at Olivia, his eyes raking over all of her features. "As much as I hate thinking about ya with him…I hate thinking about ya being alone even more…"

Olivia's face softened even more as she let his words sink in. She could feel the depth of Ed's love for her grow daily, but that statement hit her harder than most. It revealed how not only he loved her, but how selfless his love for her was. Reaching up to his face, Olivia copied his previous movements and traced his rugged cheek bones with her fingers. "You…you are everything, Ed," she finally said, unable to think of anything else to say. Her voice lowered to a whisper as she eyed his lips. "Everything."

Several make out sessions later, Olivia reluctantly pulled away from Ed ever so slightly and checked her phone. "Ugh," she said. "Fin…"

Ed groaned and tickled her spine as she listened to the voicemail, smirking as he saw the goosebumps form on her skin. She shot him a look and stood up, moving to find her clothes as she called Fin back.

"Yeah," she finally said after listening to his updates. "No, it's fine, I'll come in for a bit. Just give me half an hour. Okay. Yeah. Just…keep her there."

She turned around and almost laughed at how pathetic Ed looked, still laying naked in her bed, only now he was pouting.

"Poor thing," she muttered, holding her arms out to help him up. "Come on," she said. "I need to shower."

Ed diligently followed her, happy for a few more minutes, but he knew the shower had to be quick and wouldn't involve sex. As the warm water streamed over them, he was happy to just have her in his arms, kissing at her shoulders as she lathered and rinsed her body.

"Probably not gonna see ya tonight, huh?"

Olivia let out a soft sigh and turned around in his arms. She rubbed his biceps and kissed his collarbone. "Probably not," she finally responded. "Noah needs to stay in his routine. And, Ed, I'm not sure you need to leave your kids for the night right now."

Ed nodded and pulled Olivia tightly into his chest. "I don't," he said. "I…Emma…that scared me, Liv."

"It did me too," she admitted, content to keep her head against his shoulder as they swayed under the shower head. "I feel awful she was alone for that."

Ed took a deep breath. "I feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions," he finally said, careful to make sure it didn't make Olivia feel guilty about wanting time with him. But she understood.

"I know. I feel the same way, and I'm not even their parent."

Ed let out another sigh and squeezed Olivia tighter for a few more minutes, before shutting off the water and reaching for the towels.

"We'll figure it out, baby," he said confidently, drying her off before drying himself. "It'll just take time. Patience."

Olivia gave him a sad smile. "Lotta people in your life require your patience," she whispered. "Your kids…your job…me."

Ed shook his head and kissed her lips. "Uh uh," he said. "Don't do that. You, Olivia Benson, are worth every bit of time and patience it takes…and will take…to make this work."

"I…" she began, swallowing hard. She wanted to end this heavy conversation before going to work, but she felt things were still up in the air. "It has to work, Ed," she finally said. "I need it…I need you."

"You have me," he growled. "I'm yours until you kick me out. And even then…"

Olivia finally laughed as Ed smirked at her. He always knew the exact moment to move their conversation from serious to light hearted.

"Alright," he said reluctantly. "Get dressed. Go to work. I'm gonna pop into the office as well, and I'll call ya tonight?"

Smiling, Olivia kissed his lips and reached for her under garments.

"Sounds good."


"Where ya want it?" Ed asked as he entered Nate's apartment with the last of the boxes they brought over from the storage unit.

"Just drop it in my room," Nate said, breaking down an empty box and looking around the place with his hands on his hips. "I'm kinda wiped…"

"Me too," Ed exclaimed, wiping his brow and collapsing onto the dark gray futon. "Shoulda found ya an elevator building."

Nate laughed and plopped down next to Ed, propping his feet on a box that sat where a coffee table should go. The father-son duo sat in silence for a little while. It was a comfortable silence, not one in which either man felt like they needed to say something. It was a silence that Ed and Nate shared together often; they enjoyed being together, and often didn't need words to express that. Ed and Nate Tucker genuinely enjoyed each other's company, particularly as Nate got older. Eventually, though, Ed wanted to talk to his son.

"How ya feelin' about being back?"

Nate chewed on his lip, a habit Ed assumed he had picked up from Emma. "Its strange," he admitted. "In a way, it feels exactly the same as last year. But…"

"Nate, I want you to do what you want and need to do," Ed began, reaching out to squeeze his son's shoulder. "And if what you want and need changes, at any point, you let me know. Because then we'll make some changes. Okay?"

Nate nodded, but didn't respond. Ed studied his face closely.

"Your mom come up here much last year?"

"A couple of times," Nate said. "She and Emma came to a game last fall. Stayed the weekend and showed her around campus. It was fun. She came up a couple times in the spring, but the football weekend was probably the best."

Ed nodded and kept his eyes on Nate, making sure he wasn't upsetting him more than he should. But the younger version of Ed Tucker seemed okay. "She was real proud of ya," he allowed. "You knew that, right?"

"Yeah," Nate whispered, giving Ed a sad smile. "She told me all the time. Called me her 'Ivy League Son.' And gave me everything I ever needed. You both did."

"We're both proud of you, Nate."

A lone tear made it's way down Nate's face. "Part of me wants to leave Stanford. Go back east so I'm closer to Emma. You. But…I also…she was so proud that I got into Stanford. I wanna make her proud…"

Ed felt his own tears stinging in the back of his eyes. Despite how their split had happened, and the way Suzanne had destroyed his trust in people, she had always been a good mother to their kids. Even at the peak of their conflict, after the divorce yet before Ed found a groove with having his kids over, he knew deep down that she was a good mother. It was devastating for him to watch his children deal with such a traumatic loss.

"Nate," he whispered, leaning forward on his elbows and making sure to keep eye contact with his son. "She's always gonna be proud of you. Stanford or not. She loved you."

Nate closed his eyes and allowed his head to drop and Ed reached out to squeeze his shoulder again. "What is it, son?"

Shaking his head and once more biting his lip, Nate struggled to keep his emotions in check. Once he had successfully pushed them down, he looked up to Ed with blue eyes filled with guilt. "I shoulda been there," he said so softly, Ed barely heard him. "Bailey and I, well, I was supposed to take her home but we ended up parking somewhere and…I just shoulda been there."

Ed felt his heart crack, but kept the emotions off of his face so Nate wouldn't shut down. "Nate, this isn't your fault. There's nothing you coulda done."

"I could've been there. Gotten Emma out of the house…get the gun from Chris…just…I should've been there. And I was too busy, ya know, and I…I let them down."

"Look at me," Ed said firmly, moving from the couch to sit on the box right in front of Nate. "This is not your fault. It's not. Your. Fault. Not Emma's. And not your mother's. This…Chris did this. And, if you had been home? You couldn't have stopped him."

"Emma…she was alone. And now…"

"I know," Ed said softly, trying not to think about how terrified his daughter must have been and focus on his son. "And…we're gonna help her. But don't blame yourself."

"Right," Nate said, letting out a deep breath.

"It'll take time," Ed allowed. "We'll getcha there. It's gonna be okay, kid."

Nate looked up at Ed and gave him a small smile. "Thanks, dad."

Ed slapped his thighs and heard a crunch right before the box he was sitting on semi collapsed and caused him to fall into a pile of Nate's packed belongings. Nate burst into laughter and stood up to help his father out of the box. They both laughed and embraced, grateful for the reprieve from heavy emotions.

After a long embrace, Ed pulled back and slapped Nate on the back. "Come on," he said. "Show me one of your favorite places to eat."


Carisi's head popped up as he saw a young girl shuffle off of the elevator and into the squad room. She appeared nervous, but not lost, as she looked around. He stood up and slowly approached her.

"Can I help you?" He asked, using his softest voice, typically reserved for victims. The girl looked up at him and gave him a soft smile.

"I'm looking for Olivia?" Her blue eyes were wide as they darted around.

"What's your name?" He knew that Olivia typically appreciated her detectives vetting people before allowing them into her office, which Carisi took very seriously.

"Oh," she said, shaking her head. "I'm Emma. Emma Tucker. She's expecting me…"

Carisi's eyes widened in realization. "Oh! Sorry, Emma," he said. "Didn't mean to quiz ya. She's right in there." He pointed towards her half open door. Emma thanked him and slowly walked through the squad room. Rollins' eyes followed her movements, but Emma didn't notice. She merely slid into Olivia's office.

"That Tucker's daughter?" Amanda asked Carisi quietly once he returned to his desk.

"Yep," he said. "Has his eyes, for sure. IAB-ish."

Rollins let out a laugh and shook her head. "Okay…"

Olivia was finishing up an email when she heard the soft knock on her door. She looked up just in time for Emma to slip in.

"Hey, Emma," Olivia said, hitting send before tossing her glasses and standing up, a warm smile spreading across her face. "Thanks for coming by."

"Sure," Emma said, looking around Olivia's office. "It's kinda cool to see where you work."

"I just need to finish up a few things," Olivia said, gesturing to the couch in her office. "Make yourself comfortable? A couple minutes then we can get out of here."

"Okay," Emma said. She sat on the couch and continued to admire the Lieutenant's office until Olivia finally closed her laptop.

"Alright kiddo," she said, packing up her bag but leaving her computer. "Let's go spring Noah, shall we?"

The duo bid goodbye to the detectives and headed out into the warm afternoon. It was pushing evening hours, but given it was late summer, the daytime lasted longer. They quickly decided to get Noah, stop for an iced coffee, and then spend some time in the park until dinner. Once they situated themselves on the grass, Noah busied himself with a wooden truck and Olivia was able to quiz Emma about her day.

Ed had been gone for a few days now and despite Olivia's worry that Emma would be uncomfortable with the arrangement, they had managed to have a good time together. After the first day, which had been slightly awkward, they had eased into a routine. Olivia regularly found the two of them laughing or debating over the latest headline, whether serious or funny. They weekend had given way to a work week, however her and Emma would occasionally check in on each other via text and when Olivia had arrived home on Monday, Lucy had already dropped off Noah, a casserole was in the oven, and the two of them were cuddled on the couch watching Moana.

Olivia had decided to shake it up that Tuesday. She took Noah to daycare, left Emma a year-old gift card she had to a clothing store, and told Emma to go nuts and then come by the 1-6 that evening and they could leave together. Though having only spent four days in Olivia's care, Emma's face lit up at the opportunity to see more into the older woman's life. It gave Olivia a true hope that the young girl was finally loosening up around her and that perhaps they were turning a corner.

"I got ya something!" Emma exclaimed suddenly, as if she had just remembered her purchase. She dug through her tote bag and pulled out a small box, handing it to Olivia. Olivia took a quick peak to make sure Noah was still occupied and then opened the box.

"Emma," she gasped. "These are beautiful."

Emma reached over and helped her pull the earrings out of the box. They were simple, gold earrings with a small, tear drop shaped, turquoise stone that hung down. "The guy said this was the last pair left in this collection. He told me all the stones had been different. Not sure why these didn't sell, because they are gorgeous, but perhaps they were meant to be yours."

Olivia swallowed hard, as she felt a rush of emotion begin to surface at the gesture. She fingered the earrings, tracing over each portion before turning to Emma and smiling at her.

"Thank you, sweetheart," she said, her voice slightly shaky. "I love them. And you, well, this means so much to me."

Emma reached over and hugged Olivia's neck; it was rare for the young Tucker to be the one to instigate a hug. Olivia's eyes closed as she gave her a firm squeeze before they both retreated back to their spot on the blanket and focused more on Noah.

"Did you get anything for yourself?" Olivia finally quizzed, once she got her emotions in check.

"Of course," Emma said with a laugh. "Some dark jeans, these cool strappy shoes, and a couple tops. Oh! And a hat. I'll show you when we get home."

Again, Olivia's heart soared as Emma referred to them both going "home." She knew it was still too far off to really merge their families, but the few days she had with Emma gave her immense hope that perhaps it could happen sooner rather than later.

A boisterous crowd came barging down the sidewalk, emerging from one of the more wooded areas of the park. Their blanket was situated far enough from the sidewalk that the crowd wouldn't run into them, but close enough that their yelling was right in their ears. At first, both Emma and Olivia rolled their eyes and Olivia scooted Noah closer to them out of caution. But as the crowd got closer, the sound of a glass bottle breaking on the concrete rang throughout the area. All three of them jumped, Noah scrambling into his mother's lap. As Olivia went to soothe him, she looked over at Emma and saw that the girl's face had gone totally pale and she was frozen, staring wide-eyed into the grass.

"Emma?" Olivia said softly, reaching out to gently touch her arm, but Emma jumped again. Olivia turned and glared at the group, though their backs were now to the trio as they continued along the path, drifting further and further away. She reached into Noah's bag and grabbed a bottle of water. "Emma? Here," she said, unscrewing the cap. "Can you drink some of this?"

Emma didn't budge, so Olivia put the bottle down and just sat next to her, gently holding her hand. After a few minutes, Emma took a breath and without moving her eyes, spoke to Olivia in a soft, hoarse voice. "Get me out of here."

Olivia's heart cracked, but she wasted no time. Within minutes, she had packed up their stuff, put Noah in the stroller, and was gently guiding Emma out of the park.

"Walk or Uber?" She asked, unsure whether the fresh air would help or if the crowded sidewalks would make it worse.

"Uber…"

Olivia called for the Uber, pocketed her phone, and pulled Emma into her side. She held her closely with one arm, the other gripping Noah's stroller as they waited for the car.

"You're okay, Emma," she whispered, kissing the side of her head. "I'm right here. You're okay."


Several hours later, Olivia was reclined on Ed's couch with her feet on the coffee table while Emma slept on a pillow against her thigh. Noah was slumbering peacefully, curled up on Ed's oversized chair and the television, set to an HGTV show, illuminated the room softly. With everyone out cold, Olivia took a chance and dialed Ed.

"Hey babe," he said.

"Hey yourself." Olivia's voice was barely over a whisper which Ed picked up on quickly.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah," she said softly. "Kids are asleep with me in the living room, and I don't wanna wake them."

Ed smiled at the thought. "How was the day?"

"It was good for the most part," she responded honestly. "Had a little issue at the park. Loud group of kids broke a bottle behind us…Emma froze up. But I think we're good now."

Ed rubbed his face slightly and let out a sigh. "I'm worried about both of them."

"I know," Olivia said, thinking back to an earlier conversation they had about Nate and his self-blame. "I get you don't wanna hear this, but it just takes time and patience."

"I guess," Ed responded. "But…they will never get over this."

"Maybe not," Olivia mused and shrugged her shoulders, though Ed couldn't see her gesture. "But it gets, well, not easier. But it lessens and the hard becomes less frequent."

"Yeah…"

"Ed, I told Emma a little bit about my mom," she said, almost nervously as if Ed would be upset with her. "She was so mad at herself for reacting that way to the glass breaking. So I shared with her a little bit. Told her that often noises like that can still trigger me too."

Ed let out another sigh. He desperately wanted to be with Olivia in that moment. He wanted to hold her close, kiss her head, and let her know she was safe and loved, and would stay that way forever if she would allow it. But he couldn't, so he settled for a simple "thank you."

"Of course," she said. "I…she's finally opening up to me."

Ed let out a soft chuckle. "Obviously if she's asleep on the couch with ya…"

Olivia smiled and looked down at Emma, her face was finally relaxed and serene. She softly moved her long brown locks out of her face, hoping not to cause her to stir. "You raised two great kids," she said simply. "Hard not to fall in love with them…"

"Well, perhaps I'm biased but…"

"Nate doing any better?"

"I think so. I went with him to talk to one of the counseling centers. They'll match him with a therapist, and the school has a grant so it is all free. Sounds like there are some support groups too, when he gets ready."

"Glad you decided to stay until his roommates get there."

"Me too," Ed admitted. "But I'm missing you."

"We miss you too," Olivia whispered. "But…we'll see ya soon."

Emma stirred slightly, rolling onto her back and stretching slightly, letting out a soft whimper.

"I better go," Olivia said.

"Call me later if you can," Ed said.

"I'll at least text."

"I love you, Olivia. Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me…and I love you too."

Olivia ended the call, placed her phone on the side table, and adjusted the blanket that covered Emma's body. Once she was assured the young girl was back asleep, Olivia rested her head against the back of the couch and watched the latest home renovation show until she, too, drifted off.


Sorry for the delay - hope you're all still with me! Gotta wonder what's coming down the pipeline next, huh.