Chapter 29
"Hey Liv, it's Ed. Just saying hey. Call me when you can."
Ed hung up the phone and checked the time. He had assumed Olivia would have a few moments around lunch time, but that apparently wasn't the case. It had been a few days since they had spoken in a way that wasn't text, and he was craving the sound of her voice.
It had been over a month since returning from dropping Nate off in California, and time was barreling forward at what Ed deemed a startling rate. Emma started her senior year at a brand new school: a private school in Manhattan, where she would have greater access to resources and a small student-teacher ratio to ensure a smooth-as-possible transition. The school required uniforms, unlike her school in Los Angeles, so Olivia offered to accompany her to pick out different versions she could wear each day, as Ed continued to despise shopping. Along with the practical side of preparing for the school year came a good amount of anxiety, and although Emma weathered it quietly and bravely, Ed was preferring to spend his evenings at home with her. Overall, she seemed to be doing better. Occasionally Ed would notice a distant look on her face, but as long as he or Olivia were there to give her a sense of grounding, Emma seemed to come out of it easily. She was regularly attending therapy, practicing the techniques she was taught, and genuinely building her relationship with Olivia, which gave Ed a tremendous amount of hope that someday they could all be together permanently.
With the return to a new sense of normal, Ed was finding the balancing act to be difficult. The first couple of weeks upon his return from California seemed easy. It was clear that Olivia and Emma were getting along, and the four of them would regularly meet for dinner or a weekend activity. However, once the school year began, Emma found herself buried in school work, Ed was hopelessly trying to remember Calculus, and the last few dinners had been canceled by Olivia due to the usual, back to school outbreak of SVU cases. Ed found himself missing Olivia fiercely, but unable to find a remedy.
It wasn't that the couple didn't prioritize their relationship, but they both recognized how out of sync their lives had become and made conscious decisions to focus on kids. The problem now, however, was that they had focused so much of their time on their children, that Ed was desperately missing his girlfriend.
"Tucker?"
Ed's head popped up as his partner interrupted his misery.
"Gotta officer involved shooting," he said, holding a radio that was loudly broadcasting various codes. "Let's go."
Ed nodded and closed his laptop. He grabbed his suit jacket, pocketed his phone, and hurried after Cole. As he was jogging towards the cruiser, he didn't notice the vibration in his chest pocket.
"Ed, hey, it's me. I'm sorry I missed you earlier…just wanted to say hi. Miss your voice. Call when you can."
Olivia tapped her pen on her desk as the ended the call. Tossing her glasses on top of her semi-closed laptop, she spun her desk chair around and stared out at the city skyline. In the same sense as Ed was focusing on his kids and their adjustment, Olivia was prioritizing Noah and his routine. After a rough few months over the summer, she was determined to have dinner with him at least four nights a week and be the one to tuck him in every night, if possible. Lucy was happy to have more regular hours and Noah's happiness seemed to be thriving now that his mother was around more frequently.
Ed and Emma would come over some evenings, and Noah delighted in the extra attention. The little boy was also warming up to Emma more and more. Noah had immediately bonded to Nate, but it took more work with Emma. Now that she was a semi-regular figure in his life, Noah was gravitating to her more and more.
Checking the time, Olivia realized Emma should just be getting out of school and gave her a call since Ed wasn't available.
"Hi Olivia!"
"Hey Emma," Olivia said softly, still staring out over the city. "How are you?"
"Good," she responded. Olivia could hear the sound of cars and horns in the background and correctly assumed Emma was walking back to the apartment. "Just got off the train, so good timing. What's up?"
"Oh nothing," Olivia said nonchalantly. "Tried your dad, he didn't answer, so I gave up on him and called you. Lots of homework?"
"Some. Not much. I got ahead over the weekend."
"I was thinking of heading out early to get Noah. Wanna come over? I need to figure out a Halloween costume and I'm, well, not very creative," Olivia admitted sheepishly. But with that admission was a tiny bit of selfishness, as it was a good excuse to get Emma over, which would in turn bring Ed along later.
Emma laughed a little bit and shuffled the phone around. "Sure! Half an hour?"
"Perfect. Let yourself in if I'm not there."
Smiling, Emma thought back to when Olivia gave both her and Ed a key to her apartment the previous week. "Awesome. See you soon."
Hanging up, Olivia couldn't help but let a smile grow on her face as well. For once in her life, things were falling into place. It was hard and took a lot of juggling and prioritizing, but it was working. She quickly gathered her stuff, checked in with Rollins, and hurried out of the squad room, anxious to spend time with her son and Emma.
"I hate cases like these," Ed mumbled to Cole as they trudged out of the emergency room and towards their cruiser. He shoved his hands in the pockets of his overcoat and let out a huff.
Officers, responding to a shooting on a playground outside of a project area in Brooklyn, had arrived to the scene and immediately bullets flew at them. Both officers had ducked behind the doors of their cruiser and fired back. The shootout lasted not even a minute, but by the end of it, two of the shooters from the playground were down. Unfortunately, so was a fourteen year old boy who was unarmed.
"Kid was ducked under playground equipment," Cole said, shaking his head. "Just…wrong place, wrong time."
"Yeah, there's not much justice here…for anyone involved." Ed tossed Cole the keys. "I don't wanna drive," he mumbled, searching for his phone as he wanted to check in with his own kids before repeating his earlier sentiment. "I hate cases like these…"
Cole started the car and eyed his partner. To the outside observer, Ed was poised and together. His face was tense and his eyes were piercing, the typical Ed Tucker IAB persona. He had asked tough questions, taken both guns and shields, and didn't give away any kind of emotion he felt about the case. But Cole knew better and he heard the hints of compassion in Ed's voice as he spoke with the officers as well as a few witnesses.
"Ya mind if I call Liv? Looks like Emma's over there…wanna let 'em know I'll be a while…"
"Of course," Cole said, starting the car and slowly weaving into traffic. "Tell her hi for me."
Ed spoke softly to Olivia for a few minutes and chuckled as she listed off her pathetic ideas for Noah's costume. "Good thing ya have Emma," he said. "Save Noah from the embarrassment." He listened and made a few noises as Olivia spoke to him. Cole could see his smile out of the corner of his eyes, before his face fell slightly. "I dunno how long I'll be," he finally admitted. "I'll check in later? Okay. Yeah. Good idea, she'll like that. Love you, Liv. Bye."
Ed dropped his phone in his lap and stared out the front windshield, jaw tightened until Cole tried to break the ice.
"So, what's Benson tryin' to dress Noah up as?"
Ed smiled. "All she had was a pumpkin or Mr Potato Head," he said through his chuckling. "Emma to the rescue."
"They seem to be getting along?"
"Yeah," Ed said. "Was bumpy for a bit, but we're settling in. Trying not to get my hopes up here…"
"Ah, let yourself hope," Cole said, shrugging as he parallel parked outside of their office. "Gotta be helping Emma to have her around."
"Oh yeah," Ed said, tightening his jacket as they made their way up the stairs, steps in stride. "Liv said she's staying over tonight."
"Probably a good thing," Cole said as he opened the door and saw a herd of reporters. "This'll be a long night…"
Ed grunted and tried to push thoughts of his family down so he could do his job, but he couldn't help but occasionally think back to bullets flying towards his daughter as he started interviewing the officers. His job had never been easy, but it was beginning to feel near impossible.
Olivia and Emma were sprawled on the couch, half empty Chinese food containers on the coffee table while Noah worked to put a wooden puzzle together on the floor.
"The only decent idea you've had is police officer," Emma said, lovingly ribbing Olivia.
She just groaned. "I know," she moaned. "I'm not meant for this. Poor Noah. There's no hope for him…"
"Aw, come on," Emma said, elbowing Olivia and causing her to sit up straighter. "Here. 'The 50 Best Costumes For Toddlers.' Has to have something, right?"
"Right," Olivia said nodding, leaning over and watching as Emma slowly scrolled down. She grabbed the phone and zoomed in. "Ohmigosh," she gasped. "Edamame. How cute."
Emma chuckled and eyed Noah. "Think he'd forgive us in ten years if we dressed him as a soy bean?"
Olivia let out a hearty laugh, one Emma heard very rarely, and it made the young girl smile. "Perhaps not," Olivia admitted. "But just…it's so cute." They continued to scroll through, nothing jumping out, until Olivia finally stopped her. "Look," she exclaimed, pointing to a picture of a little kid dressed as a train engineer, in a wagon that was made to look like a train engine. "Noah loves trains!"
Emma zoomed in at different angles and nodded. "That's doable. We just need cardboard to make up his little wagon." She paused and looked around. "Do you even have a wagon?"
Olivia laughed. "Well, no…"
Emma just shrugged. "Fixable," she said simply. "Let's order the costume!"
Smiling, Olivia got up to grab her wallet. "If you dad asks, we came up with this all on our own."
"Deal," Emma said, happy to conspire with Olivia. It felt good. "Noah," she called, moving to the floor with her phone. "Want to be a train engineer for Halloween?"
"Tain!" Noah exclaimed, pointing at the phone. "I be tain!"
"Well, close," Emma said, giggling. "You'll drive the train."
"I be tain!"
Giving up, Emma pulled Noah into her lap and cuddled him, before helping him finish the puzzle. "Sure, fine, you 'be tain.'"
Olivia looked on lovingly as she plopped onto the couch, pulled out her laptop, and typed in the web address to make the purchase. As she clicked around, glasses perched on her nose, she eyed Noah. "Almost bath time, sweet boy," she said. "Let Mommy finish this and we'll get in the tub."
"Ba! Em! Em, ba!"
"I can do his bath, Olivia," Emma offered graciously. "You can just relax."
Olivia, not wanting to squash Emma's offer, but also wanting to be with her son, offered a compromise. "How about we both do it," she said. "Then we can get him in bed, check in with your dad, and pick a movie?"
"Sounds perfect."
It was after midnight when Ed quietly unlocked Olivia's apartment and crept in. He hung his coat on the hook by the door, toed off his shoes, and tip-toed into the living room, expecting to see Emma asleep on the couch and the lights dimmed.
He was correct. He smiled, adjusted Emma's blanket, and continued his quiet walk back to Olivia's bedroom. She was perched on the bed with the bedside lamp dimmed as she read. Ed smiled, knelt on the bed, took her glasses off and kissed her nose, then her cheeks, and finally her lips.
"Hi," she whispered, tossing her book to the side and grabbing at his ears, pulling her lips back to hers. "Welcome home," she said. "Or, well, welcome to my bed…"
Ed groaned and playfully fell on top of her. "Mmmmm, your bed can be home…"
Olivia giggled as Ed nipped at her neck, allowing his nose and lips to tickle her skin. "Emma asleep?"
Ed continued to suck and kiss at her neck while his hands crept up her t-shirt and lightly caressed her ribcage. "Like a light," he reported. He brushed his thumbs over her nipples before pulling up slightly. "Shower? I missed you."
Grinning, Olivia allowed Ed to pull her up and lead her into the bathroom, tossing their clothes to the floor along the way.
Half an hour later, Ed and Olivia were cuddled together in the middle of her bed. Ed was running his fingers along her lower back while she tickled his sides lightly, head resting on his peck.
"Get Halloween figured out?" Ed's voice was almost a mumble as he found himself totally relaxed by Olivia's touch.
"Yeah," she whispered. "I need to buy a wagon…"
Ed scrunched his face up in confusion, but just shrugged, kissed Olivia's head, and said they'd run out the next day. Despite his relaxed state, Olivia detected that not all was well in his tone.
"What's going on, Ed,?"
He chuckled and kissed her head. "Can't get much by you, huh."
"No," she said. "Talk to me."
"Ah, just a tough case," he said, knowing he couldn't disclose much, but Olivia had heard enough chatter to have an idea of what he spoke about. "Havin' a tough time keepin' my head. Usually better at separating my personal shit."
"Ed, it's been a really tough year," Olivia said, sitting up and stroking his face. "You are human. You're allowed to have feelings."
"The more I heard the statements, the story, the more I pictured bullets flying at my kid," he admitted, surprising both himself and Olivia at his raw honesty. But Olivia didn't miss a beat.
"I'd be surprised if you didn't, honey," she said gently. "But your kid is safe and out there on my couch asleep. She had a good night tonight. We laughed a lot. Cut yourself some slack."
Ed was quiet as he stared into Olivia's eyes while she hovered over him. Her hair was pulled back in a clip with a few loose, wet strands clinging to her neck. His eyes traced a line across her freckled face as he worked to memorize every single detail of Olivia Benson. Without thinking, he blurted out, "I don't know if I can live without you."
As soon as the words left his mouth Ed tensed, afraid he went to far and that it would scare Olivia, but she didn't flinch. A small smile spread across her face and she kissed his lips before settling back into his chest.
"Sorry," Ed whispered. "I don't wanna freak ya out."
"You didn't," she said before chuckling. "I know, I'm surprised too. But, with you…" Her voice trailed off as she tried desperately to get closer to Ed. He patiently scratched her head and waited for her to collect thoughts. "I trust you," she said simply. "I trust you…more than I've ever trusted anyone. Maybe all this shit…everything we've dealt with…the darkness we see at work…I don't know what it is, but I trust you. And that trust…takes away some of the fear."
Ed worked to blink back tears as he listened to her words. He'd never felt prouder, and more important, than in that exact moment. Not sure what else to say and feeling exhaustion begin to take over his body, Ed held Olivia as tightly as he could and repeatedly kissed her head.
"I love you," he said. "I love you so much."
"I love you too, Ed," Olivia said, patting his chest and pulling the blanket up and over their bodies. "Get some sleep."
Emma startled awake and had to take a few minutes to remember where she was. She groggily sat up on the couch, rubbed her eyes, and shakily stood up. Not feeling steady on her feet, she held onto the back of the couch and reached out to lean onto the wall as she made her way to the bathroom. She noticed the light was off in Olivia's room as she made her way into the bathroom and quietly closed the door. The clock over the toilet read three-oh-seven and the young girl shook her head, immediately regretting it as she felt the room spin. She used the bathroom, washed her hands, then splashed cold water on her face. Emma reached up and opened the medicine cabinet, grabbing her prescription from the top shelf where Olivia had put it to keep it out of Noah's reach. She shook a few extra pills into her hand, popped them in her mouth, and washed them down with water from one of the paper cups Olivia kept by the sink for Noah to use. Tossing the cup into the trash, Emma braced herself against the counter top with both hands and stared at herself in the mirror.
"Pull it together," she whispered as she took in her appearance. Dark, puffy circles appeared under reddened eyes, and her skin was paler than normal. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, willing the drugs to kick in sooner rather than later. Finally feeling like she had a little more control of herself, she stumbled back down the hall and collapsed on the couch, staring blankly at the ceiling. As she felt the effects of the drugs take over her body, she flipped the television on to a home renovation show that she could mindlessly watch. Emma kept her eyes open until her mind and body began to numb and force them to close, a deep, drug induced sleep taking over her body.
Sorry for the delay...its not coming easy right now.
