Chapter 32

"I'm stuffed," Emma groaned, plopping onto the old, brown, leather couch situated in the center of the living room. The cabin Ed rented was beautiful, upgraded with all amenities one would want, but the decor was definitely rustic. Dark wood framed furniture, a true brick fireplace with a deer head over the mantel, and the living room had high, vaulted ceilings that featured log beams. The hardwood floors were bright, shiny, and in places had been covered with plush, furry rugs that resembled animal fur.

Upon arrival, Noah had been enamored with the decor. He would point to the various animal heads and prints, before he eventually found that the plush rug was perfect to curl up on but difficult to roll his cars. So as Emma plopped on the couch and put her feet on the coffee table, Noah curled up on the edge of the rug, allowing himself the comfort of the fabric while still rolling his cars and trains on the hardwood.

The four of them had just finished up a semi-traditional Thanksgiving meal. Ed used the smoker on the side of the cabin to make a brisket, while Olivia and Emma put together a few side dishes of roasted potatoes, brussels sprouts tossed with bacon, and cranberry sauce. Noah had gobbled up two helpings of the potatoes and picked through the brussels sprouts to find pieces of bacon. Olivia typically would fuss over making sure he had enough fruits and vegetables, but had been surprisingly relaxed about it over their short trip away.

After dinner, they all pitched in cleaning up the kitchen and Olivia took a frozen cherry pie out of the freezer to thaw. The box said it would take a few hours but no one seemed hungry at all, so she shrugged, left it on the counter, and moved over to the island that separated the kitchen from the large, open dining and living room area. She felt her body relax even more as she watched Noah happily and peacefully play with his toys. After a few minutes, Ed came up behind her, kissed her cheek, and slid a steaming hot beverage in front of her.

"Gotcha another cider," he said, sliding the mug in front of her before kissing her cheek once again and settling in next to her. "When do ya think you'll head out tomorrow?"

Olivia blew on the drink; it was a little too hot to drink just yet. "Probably a little after seven. Lucy'll meet me at home then I can just head right in. Hopefully by ten."

Ed just nodded. "Hear about any cases?"

"No," she responded. "A good sign. If something big was up, Dodds..or Fin…would have at least looped me in."

The conversation paused for a bit, as both adults watched Noah run his cars along the floor and make sounds as the turned and crashed.

"He likes it here," Ed observed. "Was loving the hike."

"Found all possible sticks out in the yard earlier," Olivia quipped. "He's having a good time. Emma seems okay, too?"

Eyeing his daughter, Ed's lips pressed into a thin line. "First holiday since Suzanne's murder," he sad softly. "Very little emotion from her."

Olivia followed Ed's line of sight and observed as Emma slowly flipped through the television channels.

"Can't tell if she's even watching the screen," Ed continued, before rubbing the back of his neck. "But she clearly doesn't want to talk to me about it."

"She may not," Olivia said simply. "She may not want to talk to either of us. But you have her in therapy, Ed. This…it'll never not be hard. We just have to ride it out with her."

Peeling his eyes away from his daughter, Ed turned to look at Olivia. He scanned her face before reaching up to trace her jaw with his fingertips. "We," he repeated in a raspy whisper.

"Yes. We." Olivia confirmed, kissing the pad of his index finger.

"Hey," Ed said, keeping her attention on him. "I was thinkin'…why don't ya let Noah stay here with us."

Olivia tensed slightly at the idea, but tried to follow Ed's line of thinking.

"He likes it here," Ed reasoned. "It's only one day. We'll be back Saturday."

"I dunno…"

Seeing her hesitation, Ed went back in with the ringer. "Plus, he's good to have around right now. Good distraction for Emma. For me."

Ed could see the wheels turning in Olivia's head as she bit her lip and watched her little boy.

"Okay," she said softly. "You're right. No need to drag him back to the city, merely to stay cooped up in my apartment with Lucy."

"Good, then that's settled," Ed said grinning, nodding towards the mug he had placed in front of Olivia. "Ya gonna drink that before it's cold?"

"Mmmm," she said, finally taking a sip. "It is good." She smirked and took another one. "You add the spiced bourbon?"

"I did," Ed said matter-of-factly, taking his own sip and nudged Olivia's side. "I know ya like it."

Olivia ducked her head, a pinkish hue spreading across her cheeks. Ed continued to smile. "What?"

She chuckled and bit her lip, struggling to reveal her thoughts.

"Say it, Benson."

Looking up, Olivia gave Ed a half embarrassed half mischievous look. "You know just how I like it…"

This time, it was Ed blushing as he took in the tone of her comment. Eventually they both burst into laughter, breaking the sexual tension that had formed between them, and Ed allowed his forehead to rest against Olivia's as they calmed down.

Noah had startled at the commotion from the kitchen and sprinted towards his mother and Ed. Olivia hoisted him into her lap and cuddled him.

"You wanna be in on the fun?" She asked, nuzzling his cheek. "You're a little too young for this joke, sweet boy."

Ed continued to smirk as he sipped his drink and caught Emma's brief eye roll, before she turned her attention back to the television.

"Anything good on?" Ed called at her.

She shrugged. "Eh," she said. "Gonna find a Christmas movie."

"It's still Thanksgiving," Ed said, his face scrunched up.

"And?"

Not having a response, Ed just shrugged. "I have no argument," he grumbled.

Olivia laughed and stood up, Noah still cradled like an infant in her arms, and she patted Ed's butt as she walked by him and into the living room. "Emma, see if you can find The Grinch."


Ed sniffed and rolled over, wrapping his arms tightly around Olivia, her back nestled in his chest. Burying his face in her hair, he took a deep breath and slowly came into consciousness. It was still night, and he could hear the faint sound of leaves rustling in the wind outside of their cabin. Knowing Olivia was leaving early that morning, instead of going back to sleep Ed began to trace little circles on her stomach, his lips making a soft trail around the back of her neck.

Olivia moaned and shifted, allowing her body to nestle even closer to Ed. Taking that as a sign, he snaked one hand up her torso and gently massaged her breast.

"Ed…" she moaned, eyes still not open. "Mmmmm, don't stop."

Keeping one hand on her breast and his lips on her neck, Ed allowed his other hand to trace a crooked path down her stomach and along her thighs before lightly tickling between her legs.

"Like that?" He whispered directly into her ear.

Olivia's body jerked slightly. "Just like that," she squeaked.

Right as Olivia had moved her hand behind her, and into Ed's boxers, her phone rang loudly into their room. Groaning, she buried her face in her pillow, trying to breathe and will it to stop.

Knowing she had to answer, Ed removed his hands and rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling, ready to be mad about whatever was done to call her away from that cabin a few hours earlier than planned.

"What?" She barked into the phone, clearly just as annoyed, but then allowed her voice to soften. "It's okay. Yeah. Ugh, okay. Sure. About two hours. Yeah. Right. See you soon."

Olivia tossed the phone back on the nightstand and turned so she was facing Ed. Though his face was tense with frustration, his eyes gazed softly into hers.

"I'm sorry, Ed," she whispered.

"No," Ed said quickly, shaking his head as he tucked strands of hair behind her ear. "Don't be sorry. It's okay."

"It's not," she said. Olivia's voice was shaky but Ed wasn't sure if it was emotion, or merely her trying to wake up. "But I have to go…"

"Glad you're letting Noah stay."

Olivia just bit her lip and nodded as she slowly rolled over and slung her legs off of the bed. "God," she said. "It's not even four in the morning…"

Ed mirrored her actions on his side of the bed. "I'll make ya some coffee."

Olivia stood, stretched, and headed towards the bathroom. "How about you put that on then come join me in this shower?"

Her eyebrow was raised as she leaned against the doorframe, waiting for Ed's response.

"Yes ma'am."


The door slammed shut, rattling the window shades as Olivia stormed out of the interrogation room. She threw her hand up at Dodds as she made her way back to her office.

"Don't," she said. "Don't say it."

Mike and Fin eyed each other and gave Olivia a few minutes before they both followed her into her office. She was standing behind her desk, fingers rubbing her bottom lip as she stared out over the clear Manhattan sky.

"He wasn't gonna talk, Liv," Fin said simply, helping himself to a seat in one of the chairs in front of Olivia's desk.

Dodds, a little more timid but also more closely observing his Lieutenant, stayed on his feet. "You gave it a good run," he said simply.

Olivia just shook her head. "Bastard," she muttered. "He knows…he knows where that girl is. I could see it on his disgustingly smug face. He knows where she is."

"He's not gonna tell us," Fin said, once again.

"Well, he's definitely not going to now, is he?" Olivia snapped, her head spinning around and glaring at Fin, daring him to keep pushing her. "Don't you have some paperwork to do?"

Fin narrowed his eyes. "Look, you're pissy I had to call you in a bit earlier, I get it. But it ain't my fault that mother fucker isn't gonna talk."

Olivia's face hardened and was near stone cold as she stared at her detectives, and one of her long-time friends. "Well, now it's up to us," she seethed. "Get out of my office and find her."

Fin threw his hands up in the air and made his way to the exit, throwing Olivia one more look before he finally walked out of the office. Dodds hung back for a bit, unsure if he should attempt to comfort or calm down their disgruntled lieutenant, but he got his answer quickly.

"I need to make a call," Olivia said, though her voice had softened slightly. "I'll just be a minute. Come get me if you find anything."

"You got it," Mike said, nodding and swiftly leaving, closing the door behind him.

Olivia collapsed into her chair, rested her elbows on the desk, and allowed her face to fall into her hands. She took a few deep breaths, trying to slow her heart rate, before reaching for her cell phone to call Ed.

He answered after barely one ring.

"Liv," he said, almost sounded panicked. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," she said soothingly. "Why?"

"Just…wasn't expecting ya to call," he reasoned, his voice much calmer. "Got worried."

"Oh," she said. "No, I just…wanted to say hi. See how everything was going."

Ed smiled. Correctly assuming the case was rattling her, he decided not to push and give her a report of their current activities.

"Well, we spent about an hour hunting for sticks this morning," he said. "Emma and Noah tried for a little while to rub them together for a fire, but that failed. So we came in and built one in the fire place. Noah fell asleep on the rug about half an hour ago, so it's just me and Emma."

"Ah," Olivia said, smiling at the thought of her little boy asleep on the rug after a morning in the dirt. "He's okay?"

"He's fine," Ed assured her. "Looked for ya a bit when he woke up, but settled into the day. We're okay, baby."

"Okay," Olivia said softly. "I…I better go. I bit Fin's head off earlier, but hearing your voice calmed me down a bit."

"Hey," Ed said, pausing a bit to make sure she was listening. "I love you. We're just fine. Call whenever you want."

"Okay…love you too."

Hanging up the phone, Olivia set it down and stared at her screen saver. It was a picture of her, Noah, and Ed at Halloween. She smiled at it for a bit, before taking a deep breath and calling Fin back into her office.

"You gonna yell at me again?" Fin asked, clearly not letting up on his boss. "Because if that's the case, I'd rather go back to my paperwork."

"Well, I wasn't until you just came in with that smart ass comment," Olivia retorted, her fuse getting shorter and shorter. "Wanna try again? Or do you need to take a beat?"

Fin plopped back down, rubbed his face, and finally took a good look at Olivia as she sat back in her chair and glared at him.

"I was gonna apologize," she said. "But you pissed me off again."

"Seriously, Olivia, where's your head?"

Instead of snapping at Fin yet again, Olivia closed her eyes and focused on her breathing.

"Liv?"

"I'm fine," she said. "Guess I'm just a little bitter that I'm here, dealing with this asshole who will never tell us where Jamie is, instead of being with my fa-…., my son."

Fin's eyebrows lifted when Olivia caught herself about to say "family."

"You can call Tucker family, Olivia," he finally said, treading carefully.

"Well, either way, I'm not with them," she retorted. "And I don't usually get this upset after a failed interrogation, but that…man…he just infuriated me."

"Clearly," Fin said. "Ya know, we all have those cases that make us snap."

"This shouldn't be one of them," Olivia reasoned, but then she let out a deep sigh. "But I can't get that girl out of my head. I want to find her."

"We will," Fin said. "We will."

After sitting for a few minutes in silence, Olivia finally offered Fin a smile. "Sorry about earlier," she said. "Leaving them this morning was…harder than usual."

"It's aight, Liv," Fin said shrugging. "You know I can take it. You know you can also talk to me."

Olivia nodded.

"I know that, for you, it's even harder to leave your family," he finally said, offering a rare moment of pure compassion. "You've waited a long time to have that family."

"I have," she finally admitted, but then smiled. "But ya know what I realized, despite my crankiness?"

"What's that?"

"For the first time, with Noah, I have help," she said slowly, as if the realization was just sinking in for her as she spoke the words. "I didn't have to leave him with a sitter, or at daycare while other kids got to spend the holiday weekend with their parents. I always want to be the one with him…but now, I have Ed. Noah has Ed. We have…support."

Fin smiled, grateful to see the light back in Olivia's eyes.

"I'm still shocked that it comes from Ed Tucker…"

Olivia laughed at Fin's statement.

"You and me both."


"How is he still awake?" Emma asked, watching as Noah ran around the coffee table pretending to fly a bright yellow paper airplane they made over an hour ago.

Ed popped a pecan in his mouth and leaned back on the couch. "Prolly the second hot chocolate we gave him earlier."

Emma laughed and tucked her feet under her body.

"Hey," Ed said, his voice soft as he reached out to squeeze Emma's shoulder. "Ya doin' okay?"

"Yeah," she responded simply, giving Ed a small, somewhat forced smile. "Nice to do something different for the holiday. Doesn't feel as…empty, I guess."

Noah made a few whirring sounds, followed by a crashing noise. "Uh oh," he said softly, bending over to look at his plane. "Boken," he observed, picking it up and scampering over to Ed. Noah climbed up in his lap and shoved the now bent airplane in Ed's face. "Ed, you fix?"

Tucker pulled Noah more securely onto his lap and wrapped his arms around the little boy, working to refold the plane so he could see how it was done. "Hm," Ed said, fidgeting with it some.

"Hm." Noah imitated Ed's noise, causing Emma to smile.

"We may need to start over, bud," Ed finally said, tossing the now-floppy plane onto the coffee table.

"Boken," Noah murmured, sliding off Ed's lap and inspecting the plane. "Hm," he said once again.

Emma burst out laughing. "Ohmigosh, he's a mini you, Dad."

Ed smiled and Noah looked up with his own smile, trying to be part of the fun.

"He's my pal, aren't ya?" Ed growled, messing Noah's hair a bit. "You wanna make another plane? Or watch a movie?"

Noah's face scrunched up as he thought about his options. Suddenly, he scampered off towards his room. Emma was about to get up to follow him, when he returned with his bear and his blanket and crawled up onto the couch between the other two.

"Mickey?"

Noah looked up at Emma, eyes wide and hopeful. "Who can say no to that face?" She quickly flipped to Netflix, found the holiday Mickey Mouse movie, and hit play. It wasn't long before Noah was fast asleep, his head on Emma's lap and his bear right up against his face. Ed gently covered him with his train blanket and leaned over to kiss his cheek.

"Ya okay?" He asked Emma, signaling he could move Noah if she needed him to. But she smiled and nodded.

"Just fine," she said. "But I could go for a different show…"

Ed chuckled, took the remote, and began to flip. They finally settled on one of the holiday episodes of The West Wing, and sat in silence before Ed shifted around in his seat.

"I just…I want ya to know, you can talk to me," Ed said awkwardly. He'd been a parent for twenty years, yet he still found the more intimate moments difficult to navigate. "If ya need to."

"I know."

"Or Olivia," Ed offered. "She's…probably better than me with this kinda stuff. And she loves you…"

"Olivia's great," Emma allowed. "But I'm really fine."

Ed found himself unsure if this was the time to push his daughter or not. He finally conceded that perhaps it wasn't and let it go, making a mental note to talk with Olivia about a strategy to get Emma to open up once they returned to the city.


It was almost midnight before Olivia slogged into her apartment. She quickly shed her jacket and boots, dropped her bag on the floor by the couch, and went directly into the bathroom. After a quick but hot shower, she clipped her hair back, slipped into leggings and one of Ed's t-shirts, and crawled into bed. Body riddled with exhaustion, Olivia sank into the pillows and breathed out a relieved sigh.

It had been a grueling day that led nowhere, and she couldn't figure out why this case was haunting her as much as it was, and why she couldn't get the young girl's face out of her head. All cases would haunt the seasoned lieutenant, and occasionally one would hit too close to home, but Olivia couldn't find the connection between this particular case and her reaction to it.

She shrugged it off, assuming it was because she had been called away from her son, and sent Ed a text asking if he was awake. It wasn't even a minute before her phone was ringing.

"Hey," Olivia sighed, smiling as Ed's face came into view. They were both laying on their sides, under the covers, as they spoke to each other via FaceTime.

"Long day?"

"Too long."

Ed's face contorted into a frown and Olivia could see his eyes scanning her face, even through the phone screen. "Ya gonna be able to sleep tonight?"

"God, I hope so," Olivia said. As if on cue, a yawn overtook her body and she exhaled with a deep sigh.

"Liv…"

"I'm fine," she said. "Just…unsettled, that's all. How was the rest of the day?"

"Well, Noah overdosed on hot chocolate and we crashed a few paper airplanes before he fell asleep on Emma's lap. He didn't even stir when she moved him into his bed."

"Sweet boy…" Olivia said, a soft smile forming on her face. "Emma?"

"Quiet," Ed said. "Once Noah was in bed, we did talk a little bit. She wondered if Nate would come for Christmas. I assured her that he'd be here. Think that's bothering her too."

Ed paused, but Olivia could tell he wanted to say something else. "What is it?"

Ed licked his lips and let out a breath. "I think she was…disappointed…that you had to go before she woke up," he said cautiously. He didn't want Olivia to feel any worse than she already did, but they had promised each other to be open, even if it stung. Ed could tell this definitely stung as she sucked in a breath and briefly closed her eyes.

"But she understands."

"I know she does," Olivia said. "But…doesn't make it easier."

"No, it does not," Ed replied, smiling softly as Olivia yawned again. "Close your eyes, baby."

"When will you be home tomorrow?" Olivia's voice was slurring, but she didn't want to hang up. She was desperate to not feel alone in that moment.

"Leaving first thing. Hopefully by ten. Have to go in?"

"I don't know," she murmured. "But I wanna see Noah, you, Emma…"

"We'll make it happen, Liv. Get some rest."

Olivia's breathing began to even out as her eyes fluttered closed. Ed remained on the phone, his eyes on his girlfriend, until he was sure she was fast asleep before he ended the call.